tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72262454975611272942024-03-14T00:57:32.975+00:00Bitch, You Think You Can Dance?The long-awaited UK version of <i>So You Think You Can Dance</i> gets recapped in excruciating detail by two people who love the US version possibly a bit too much.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-29111305728529884162011-06-12T16:54:00.009+01:002011-06-12T20:32:09.068+01:00So You Think You Can Get Cancelled?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Results: 11th June 2011</span><br /><br />You know, or not. But probably.<div><br /></div><div>Previously : The whole series. </div><div><br /></div><div>One last time everybody.</div><div><br /></div><div>SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE! [<span style="font-style: italic;">*sniff* - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Speaking of the whole series, we're being joined by our whole Top 20 for one last group routine. Choreographed by Mandy Moore, naturally. I think Mandy Moore has choreographed pretty much everything these last two weeks hasn't she? (Her and people on Strictly who will shortly be having their new contracts for the new series of that decided on.) Mandy Moore is now choreographing everything. Mandy Moore is choreographing this blog. (Chris sautes, not like the potato) Mandy Moore is choreographing your mum. Mandy Moore is choreographing choreography itself. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, it's a Mandy Moore group routine, and we've run through a yacht, the Riviera, a society wedding and now, a day at the races. Hang on, Mandy Moore appears to be choreographing the Tory Party (POLITICAL SATIREZ ON YOUR DANCE SHOW RECAPS!). Anyway the Top Twenty are all here, in outlandish neon high-fashion outfits. Cheekbones Ryan, Tumbledown Paige (who somehow remains upright throughout her portion, unlike Arlene), Italian Gian Luca (with really unfortunate hair), Evil Professional Stephanie, Cabbage Alice, Charlie Wheee!, Fierce Rithy, Fierce Shane, Katrina Ballerina, Tapper Tom, Danielle Of The Lack Of Nickname Potential, Lee-Boy, Scally, Israel's Mum's Son, Bethany-Rose Lee, and of course, front and centre, they know what the people paid to see, AndrogyLee. They all dance around to Party Rock Anthem, I object to the last live dancing we see all series being to flipping Party Rock Anthem, then the Top Four appear in really ugly ill-fitting silver suits, so it looks a bit like a shitty M & S advert just broke out.</div><div><br /></div><div>Luke vamps, Katie Love looks disinterested, Matt pooches his face up and dances with his hand on his tummy like a dad at a wedding, Kirsty gives it more energy than I think the routine (or indeed any routine) warrants, I notice that the fashion girls hats that floated off their heads at the beginning on wires are dangling still in mid-air like grisly trophies, the lights come up, the end.</div><div><br /></div><div>Right, now, time for half an hour of VTs.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat comes back in and fakes interest in these people for the last time. She tells us all it was great to see our Top Twenty again, and also that she didn't know if we noticed, but Scally managed to spin her weave off in the middle of the dance. I try not to pay attention to Scally to be honest. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I noticed, but it was hardly in the same league as Erin Boag's Dance-Off Of Hair Despair, so I couldn't muster much interest. - Steve</span>] We're also requested to thank Mandy Moore, without whom the entire second half of this series literally WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Mandy waves like the jolly Postman Pat character she is.</div><div><br /></div><div>The judges are then re-introduced, with Nigel waving a miniature Union Jack, having officially reached his last refuge, the scoundrel. Cat asks him if he thinks it's going to be a close call tonight. He lies that he does. He's then asked what the public should be looking for, and he shrugs that the lines have now closed, so nothing. They've got the votes, so he doesn't have to direct traffic any more. Although if you can try to squeeze another vote in for the three people up there who aren't Kirsty, he'd appreciate it. You never know, the voting tech might be broken. Lord knows everything else about this show is.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT NOW! Let's find out what happened earlier. Well first of all Matt grabbed a camera backstage and blow-job faced "IT'S THE FINAL!" down it. Katie got her hair done to look more like Hordress The Confuser than ever before, and talked about how nervous she was. Then everyone had a big hug. Some producers are shown, just to reassure us that there are some. There is some intelligence guiding this show. Swurr. </div><div><br /></div><div>Firstly there was that group routine I've already forgotten. Mandy Moore choreographed though I'll bet. Then Mandy Moore choreographed a jazz routine for Matt & Katie to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and it was a bit Bleh Bleh Bleh because Matt, for all they call him a chameleon, cannot give edge or attitude to save his life. We're then treated to a most unflattering show of Fat Deaf Old Kirsty Squatting down on the floor backstage like she's about to do a dump on the floor. I think she might be in Arlene's dressing room. Then Mandy Moore, using her Spanish name of Javier De Fruots, choreographed another Contemporary routine where people dressed in white and rolled around the floor to the sounds of a woman being overwrought (in this case, Sinead O Connor).</div><div><br /></div><div>Then everyone ran around screaming before doing their solos, all choreographed by Mandy Moore, except Kirsty's which was, as usual, choreographed by Sparkle Motion director Kitty Farmer. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Nobody doubts Kirsty's commitment to Sparkle Motion. - Steve</span>] Then both Katie/Luke and Matt/Kirsty did some indifferent ballroom, with Katie Love dressed as Kara Tointon (nice that Artem still has the dress). Finally Mandy Moore wore Bill Deamer as a skin-suit and choreographed two Broadway routines - one with Matt and Luke involving tap, and one for Kirsty and Katie which involved hoisting them up on on a giant hydraulic lift. Briefly my dream of Kirsty suffering a semi-serious injury, suing this show into the ground and living like a QUEEN was reignited. And then it died. All the judges say that everyone was amazing. Woo-hoo! Only seventy more VTs to go!</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, quick, another one! This time a recap of the whole series. Marc Almond the mime, that guy with the towels, Tom The Tapper being complimented (this is the auditions, natch), jazz vampires, group dance vampires, lots of vampires, hip-hop to the Archers, lots of rolling around in white shirts, Battle Of The Tappers, that routine to Crazy we don't talk about, H & Claire 2.0 (WITH LASERS!), Kate Prince occasionally being almost bearable, Kirsty and AndrogyLee making Adele almost bearable, Arlene smearing herself up and down Charlie Whee, Shane & Rithy (*sigh*), Katrina Ballerina doing one endearingly sloppy hip-hop routine and coasting on it forever and ever and ever and ever amen, seventy two routines we'd already seen on the US version, authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood, Lee C getting slagged six ways from Sunday every week, Israel's Mum, all the many feelings of ANGRY LUKE, hip-hop boot camp, hip hop skateboards, hip-hop Charlie Chaplin, Scally acting like a moron every week and everyone clapping along happily, Sisco having to be yanked into about five standing ovations, Tom having the personality of a pumpkin, Paige falling on her arse and spending the rest of the routine actively trying to make GianLuca do the same, Sisco throwing off his Loboutins, us getting to see Kate Prince's diary, that week they all threw spitwads at Katrina and called her a virgin because she couldn't salsa, AndrogyLee going to war, the dawning of the Age Of Hilarious, ANGRY LUKE in detention, Kirsty being Matt's Librarian Girl, Total Eclipse Of The Heart, homoerotic paso dobles, homoerotic gangsters, homoerotic homoeroticism,...it goes on.</div><div><br /></div><div>You know who never features? Not even for a second? BARROWMAN. Quite right too.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back to the judges now, and they're all asked for their highlights of the series. Louise says the boys paso from last week (involved Matt Flint), and Matt & Charlotte's jazz routine (involved Matt Flint). Arlene says the boys group jazz gangsters routine from the quarter finals (involved Matt Flint), and the Total Eclipse Of The Heart contemporary (involved Matt Flint). Sisco says the contestants growth, because he can remember most of the routines from this series about as well as I can. Nigel finishes by saying the boys group jazz gangster routine as well (involved Matt Flint), and also singles out that one time they gave Bethany-Rose Lee choreography that wasn't ball-achingly dreadful with the Spider-Woman routine, and it turned out she was a really good dancer, and probably the best woman on the show who wasn't hampered by being a specialist in hip-hop and being a foreign. Who knew? He then whitters on about growth as well, closing by saying that the TRUE WINNER HAS BEEN DAHNCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Sod off Nigel. </div><div><br /></div><div>Here come the results! The finalists troop out, and eliminated first (although they never specifiy what position any of these people actually finish in. I mean, I can believe she did finish fourth, but they're awfully circumspect with their wording) is...Kirsty. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I call bullshit. I don't think she did finish fourth at all. I found it quite annoying, actually - why bother to claim that the public have all the power if you're going to mealymouth the actual finishing positions of everybody who wasn't Matt and therefore guaranteed to win? - Steve</span>] She does a neat little curtsey, and Nigel does god-awful fake "I AM SHOCKED!" face. Oh Nigel, give it up. We get a VT (*drink*) of her Best Bits, which fails to live up to its name immediately when it features her in the glittery used space condom. That was NOBODY'S best bit. Back in the studio she melodramas and breaks down crying about how everyone at home has helped her achieve her dream and she hopes she can inspire other people to fulfil their dreams as well. Oh Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Darlene-Loving Compo-Queen Raggy-Doll Kirsty. You ham. </div><div><br /></div><div>Finishing in being the second person to leave us tonight place is...Katie Love. Thankfully Nigel does not mime shock at this turn of events. At this point Matt and Luke are dispatched, pinching their noses like Frank Butcher the whole way. Katie's Best Bits follow, and they don't airbrush out Lee-Boy Stalin-style like I was expecting. Back in the studio she thanks everyone, including Cat, which is nice, because Cat is pretty much the one constant of good in this whole show, and I'm glad more people are recognising this than they did last year. Katie Love just about holds it together until she gets off stage. Top Girl eh? Whoever said that hoovering up to Arlene never paid off?</div><div><br /></div><div>What now then? PERFORMING VIA VT, IT'S J-LO! Whoever that is. It sounds like it might be Jennifer Lopez, but like she's appearing on this show. Whoever it is, they're clearly one Pokemon evolution behind K-Lo, and therefore shouldn't be performing after her elimination. Get L-Lo out here instead. Maybe she can crash a car into the judges table and snort cocaine off Louise's face and get Samantha Ronson to do a club remix of the theme tune or something. It'd be more exciting than J-Lo here, descending to the floor in a giant heart made out of question marks (kind of a metaphor for this entire show really), the bouncing around in a bukkake splattered catsuit that makes her look like a particularly sprightly 50 year old in a spinning class, doing her single from three months ago. Sadly Ryan Cheekbones and Evil Professional Stephanie don't join her with their SEXY LASERS. Boo. Could have boosted the star power a little. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Also, the quintessential J-Lo SYTYCD performance always has been and always will be <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4nbq2Hrh90">this</a>. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Another VT now : Matt and Luke both have feelings about winning. Luke moreso obviously. </div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage again, all our VTs done with, one can only hope. To announce the winner. Who is...</div><div><br /></div><div>MATTFLINTMANIA!</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm so glad that this series is over, and now the most predictable thing in my life is once again the sun rising in the morning. Pyros go off, Kirsty runs onto the stage SCREAMING like a fire-engine, and Katie Love saunters gingerly after her. Then everyone else charges on, and envelops Matt in a giant group hug. Cat acts like we're about to see Matt's Best Bits, but then the VT doesn't cue up. I think maybe because Angry Luke has already run backstage and is smashing everything up with a golf club and screaming "WHYYYYYYYY? WHY AM I ALWAYS SECOND FUCKING BEST? WHYYYYYYYYY?". Let's just say there's a reason there was no second place interview this year.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat fills frantically, asking him how he feels. He says that he feels great that he had this stage to show off his passion, and that everyone supported him and voted for him. Nigel is then asked if he thinks Matt is a worthy winner, as the backstage crew attempt to hold Angry Luke down and tie him up with electrical cord. Nigel says yes, of course, and he'll be so glad to take Matt to Hollywood where he'll fit right in. Angry Luke detaches a sink from the dressing room walls and bashes an Executive Producer over the head with it as water gushes everywhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Sidebar : Series 1 champion Charlie Bruce is launching a girlband soon. This is a well known route to continuing success for ex-reality tv contestants. I hear that Chanelle, Joanna The Cleaner From Leicester, and Imogen Thomas are the other four members)</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat asks Matt if he wants to give a message to the people at home who voted for him. Angry Luke shoves Sisco into a corner, holds a comb-handle to his eyeball, and asks him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Matt brags a bit about never having been in the bottom two, but he's talking to people who voted for him, so not me, so I'm not really listening. Angry Luke downs a pint of Carling and deep-throat snogs Jamie Redknapp in a cupboard. The rest of the Top Twenty runs up to hug Matt. Angry Luke just stands there, in the car-park outside Television Centre crying, hugging himself. The Top Twenty hoist Matt up on their shoulders, their hero, and carry him off into the sunset. Angry Luke lifts an abandoned shopping-trolley over his head, throws it at the moon reflected in a lake, howls at the moon, and runs off into the night. Again.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is the end.</div><div><br /></div><div>So Many Feelings.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Thank you for reading. Well done Matt - my 7th favourite of the finalists is still better than Charlie Bruce was. If this show is not cancelled, we may be back.)<span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-79185272805364314012011-06-12T10:39:00.009+01:002011-06-12T20:31:57.919+01:00Luke Jackson, Katie Love and Kirsty Swain in: "So You Think You Can Be The Runner-Up?"<span style="font-weight:bold;">Final Four: 11th June 2011</span><br /><br />It's the final! You know what that means <i>(VTs? - Chris) </i>: we start with a montage that takes us back to last autumn, a time of innocence and dreams, back before it became apparent that this show just really doesn't have much of an audience in the UK, and that the only decent routines we were going to get would be lifted from the American version. I remember those times; I was so happy then. Sigh. Anyway, Cat tries gamely to remain enthusiastic as she reminds us that dancers from all over the country came to audition, but only the very best (and Paige) made the Top 20. The dancers fought to stay in the competition, but now, only four remain: Katie Love (*blows kiss*), Fat Deaf Old Kirsty (*vamping grin*), Angry Luke (*raises eyebrow*), and MattFlintMania (*obnoxious finger guns*). Cat tells us that the dancers' future is in our hands, as if anything we could do tonight is going to derail the inevitable MattFlintMania victory. Really, it's a fight for second place (and thanks to the stupid vague way they'll be announcing the results, we can't even be 100% sure who gets that, so THANKS NIGEL). There can only be one winner, and it's going to be Matt, but we're still going to take over 90 minutes to get there!<br /><br />SHANNYNSOSSAMONDANCE!<br /><br />In a slight deviation from usual practice, there's no immediate link into an opening number or intro to the dancers this week; instead, Cat's straight out onto the stage, bearing wavy hair and a tight red dress not a million miles away from the catsuit Britney Spears wore in the 'Oops! I Did It Again' video. She tells us that we've seen over 100 routines over the series (bet you can't name five of them), as well as plenty of arguments from the panel and a few injuries, chiefly to Kirsty's forehead, but somehow they made it all the way to the final, and this year no one got maimed in final rehearsals! (Poor Robbie. I feel bad for him that the various "what last year's finalists are doing" features ignore him entirely - he did qualify for the final, after all, he just had <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2010/02/four-to-floor-oh-wait-three-to-floor.html">that bad breakup with the doctor he was dating</a>.) Tonight, our votes will decide whether Matt, Matt, Matt or Matt will be announced as Britain's Favourite Dancer 2011, but to kill some time before we get to that point, each contestant will perform three partner routines, a solo, and a group number. Also, in the live results show later, there's a performance from Jennifer Lopez, because she owed Nigel a few favours after he basically singlehandedly revived her career with the <i>American Idol</i> gig.<br /><br />Because the finale is somehow not fillerific enough, the judges each get a special intro: Cat suggests that Sisco can pull off shoulderpads and a corset (he really can't, Cat); the ridiculously loud "backing" music drowns out the entirety of Louise's intro, so we'll never know what Cat said, but frankly I'm taking this as an inside gag about how no one's bothered to listen to Louise all series anyway. Arlene is "the original West End Girl", and Nigel is "the God of dance", and breaks out a few moves including some jazz hands upon his arrival, which leaves Cat giggling.<br /><br />The next in a series of about 20,000 VTs tonight reminds us that the winner will win £50,000, the chance to dance in Hollywood (including genuine footage of Charlie Bruce on the final of <i>So You Think You Can Dance</i> season 7 to assure us that this is indeed a genuine prize), and of course, the title of Britain's Favourite Dancer. Because that's really the clincher that you leave to the end. Back in the studio, Cat assures us that this is totally a fantastic prize, and turns to the judges for some initial thoughts. Nigel compliments her on her dress, and Cat says that she "pawed"/"poured" herself into it (I can't really tell what she said, but frankly the dress is a feat of engineering so whatever way she got in there is bound to challenge the laws of physics in some way). Cat asks what's in store tonight after the wonders of vampires, geishas and birds of paradise that we've had this series, and Nigel says that everyone has to do their best tonight and stand out from the crowd in order to win votes. Cat adds that it's all about personality too, and Nigel screams "NO IT FUCKING ISN'T, CAT, IT'S ABOUT <i>DAHNCE</i>, AND IF ANYONE EVEN THINKS ABOUT VOTING FOR KIRSTY I'LL FUCKING KILL THEM." Oh hang on, that's actually at the end of the show. I'm getting ahead of myself.<br /><br />Cat turns to Arlene and asks her how it feels to have lost control, because that is of course a state of affairs that Arlene is deeply familiar with. Oh, my mistake: to have lost control of <i>the outcome of this show</i>. Silly me. Arlene declares it "scary" and says that the viewers must use this power seriously, because with great power comes great responsibility, or something. Also, she says we should vote for who we love, because she at least understands the basic set-up of this show.<br /><br />Time for a performance, at bloody last: the group number is a pop-jazz routine to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now'. It starts with Angry Luke and K-Lo being lowered from the ceiling on wires, with FDOFPFPNC Kirsty and MattFlintMania following suit. Kirsty is sporting a truly joyous shit-eating grin, while Matt has his arms out in a Messianic manner, not that we should perhaps read too much into this. It's not really the best example of the group numbers from this series: for one thing, Kirsty's out of time with the others at several points <i>(in this sense it is probably the best example of a group routine from this series -Chris)</i>, and there's a bit of a freestyle section in the middle eight that would be a total mess if it weren't for Luke pulling his leg up right next to his head (I'm really going to miss that). There are good bits, though - a brief can-can section, some nice leaps and partner work, and LUKE PLAYING HIS LEG LIKE A GUITAR. On <i>Strictly</i> that would be an awful gimmick, but on Luke, it works. I doubt they're ever going to plunder this cast for future <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i> pros, but if they do, I hope Luke's at the top of the list. And Kirsty. Can you imagine Kirsty as a <i>Strictly</i> pro? <i>(No - Chris) </i>I can, and it's DELICIOUS. It ends, with pyrotechnics, because we're pushing the boat out tonight.<br /><br />Cat reads out the voting numbers, even though the lines aren't opening for ages yet. From there, we go straight into our first couple dance of the night: Katie and Matt in a jazz routine to 'Heads Will Roll' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's got a sort of bizarro Alice In Wonderland theme to it - with Katie as the Queen of Hearts and Matt as...I dunno, some flunky. Matt is wearing a jacket with massive shoulderpads that was probably borrowed from Sisco's wardrobe, tight silver jeans, and mid-calf boots that accentuate the fact that he's quite wee. Katie is wearing a black and red dress with the closest you can get to shoulderpads on thin straps, and red tartan ankle boots. God only knows, quite frankly. I think K-Lo is slightly better than Matt in this routine - her moves are sharper and have more definition, and he seems to be slightly behind the beat at points. It's quite a good routine, hampered slightly by occasional uncertainty in movement from both parties, but features some nice flips and tricks.<br /><br />Cat summons them over and asks Matt if he's been borrowing Lee B's leggings. Nigel crows that they'll find out who'll be sitting in that throne later on tonight. Matt turns around to look at it, and shrugs "'S gone." Oh, all right: heh. He says that he always thought a boy would win the competition, though obviously it could be ANY BOY, it could still be GIAN LUCA. However, he credits K-Lo for keeping up throughout the routine, and applauds Mandy Moore's choreography. He loved Mandy Moore's choreography, and thinks this was a really good start, but he still wants more from them later. Arlene says that they're the king and queen of dance, and that the routine was a retro-pleasure. She liked seeing Matt as a New Romantic (okay then), and liked that Katie offered up a performance as opposed to just being technically very good. Louise has enjoyed seeing them do what they do best, and liked seeing Matt being quirky and Katie being tougher. Sisco thinks Matt's had a great run throughout the competition, while Katie has had things tougher, "with the partners you've had". OOF. However, he adds, she's always been amazing, and calls her "a blimming star". Cat's all, "eh, fuck the judges, public vote innit."<br /><br />With our second routine of the night, we now have Kirsty and Luke, doing some contemporary dance to 'Nothing Compares 2U'. Much as with last week's 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' number, this is exactly how you'd expect it to be - billowing outfits (Luke's chest is on display, of course) and lots of overwrought emotion. I'm actually disappointed that Luke and Kirsty weren't partnered sooner, because with her faces and his FEELINGS, there's so much potential there. The routine is notable primarily for Kirsty looking a bit dizzy after being spun around by Luke, for Luke planting a big smacker on Kirsty's lips TWICE, and for a bit where, much to my distress, Kirsty's lying on the floor trying to kick Luke away and then he climbs on top of her and they both start rolling up and down, and...was that <i>meant</i> to look as rapacious as it did? Anyway, beyond that there's a lot of leaping (which Kirsty does very well, I might add) and it ends with the two of them staring into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, with so many unspoken FEELINGS.<br /><br />Cat: "I liked that - more kissing, less fighting." Louise tells Kirsty that she wears her heart on her sleeve when she dances, and THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE HER. <i>(I like her because she does things like point to her face and bellow "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!". Sod off telling me why I like people Louise - Chris)</i> She adds that Kirsty's got better and better, but needs to remember to be light on their feet. Luke's flexibility is amazing, and she's going to miss his leg extensions next week. Cat suggests that Luke takes a picture for Louise to keep on her phone (I'd say she could get fired for that, but it's not like anyone on this show has a job after tonight anyway<i>(or gives a shit about what Louise does. Remember the week she came out with worm-shit all over her face and nobody said a thing? - Chris)</i>) and Louise responds that she was hoping Luke would teach that move to Jamie. I concur, and suggest this is commissioned as a six-part spin-off series. I don't care, as long as I get to see it. Sisco thinks Luke is a true survivor who always demonstrates great technique, and always shows his technical brilliance as well as an emotional connection. He loves Kirsty's vulnerability, and while she may not be the most technical dancer here, she's still brilliant because she works with what she has. There's a distinct note of "we like Kirsty really, please don't give her a sympathy vote win" to these critiques tonight, isn't there? Nigel says that despite the song title, they must of course compare this to something that Matt did and find it wanting: specifically, his contemporary routine with Katie from last week, which I personally didn't think was all that, but there you go. He thinks Kirsty is a sensational performer who sells the dance with her face. He asks if they've done their best, because that's all anyone can ask, "and if you've done that, I'm happy for you." Oh, OUCH. <i>(Quite. Why not pat her fucking head whilst you're at it Nigel? - Chris) </i>Cat asks them if they indeed feel they've done their best, still having not entirely twigged that she needs to be looking at Kirsty when she talks to her, because there's a little pause while Kirsty tries to figure out what question she's responding to, eventually plumping for a fairly neutral "I gave it my all". Luke agrees that he's happy with their performance. Arlene thinks "nothing compares to you two, so far", telling Kirsty that Javier (De Frutos, I'm guessing, though quite a few of the choreographers tonight aren't really getting their credits) has done a fantastic job on her, and Luke that he touches and feels the air.<br /><br />It's solo time at this point, but to give everyone a bit more time to get changed, we have of course <i>(OF COURSE - Chris)</i> got some VTs. Katie's up first, and confesses that when she did her first audition, she was worried that the judges would hate it. While the judges loved her initial routine, she eventually got a rather more disgusted reaction when she was part of the team behind the infamous <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/04/so-you-think-you-can-point-at-bits-of.html#walkofshame">Walk Of Shame</a> dance at Choreography Camp, along with Luke, Bethany Rose and somebody called Daniel whom I've pretty much forgotten, but probably still got more screentime during the auditions than Alice, Danielle, Katrina or AndrogyLee. Nigel called this the worst choreography to a piece of music that he'd ever seen, because he hadn't yet seen that awful mess that Ryan, Alice and Kirsty were given for the Meet The Top 20 show. K-Lo didn't think she'd make the Top 20, but then Louise called and told her that SHE HAD, HOORAY! One of Katie's favourite routines was her lyrical hip hop piece with Lee-Boy in the first competitive week, because that was the first couple routine that she did on the show. She recalls getting some amazing feedback from the judges (oddly, this is illustrated with Arlene hollering that Katie was "right out of <i>Gossip Girl</i>", so okay), and she also loved her contemporary piece with Matt last week. Overall, she's just chuffed to be in the final, and grateful to everyone who put her here. At this, she brings it on home: "It's a dream come true. That sounds a bit corny, doesn't it? But it's the highlight of my life. I turned up to one audition one day, and off the back of that I'm here, and I don't really know what I've done to deserve it." Suddenly I feel like Katie Love was actually this awesome person we never got to know properly because the show wanted her to have the "brilliant technician, needs to develop personality" edit.<br /><br />After I've finished wiping my eyes, Katie performs her solo to Leona Lewis's cover of 'Run' (Katie Love's music choices for her solos are disappointingly MOR, even by this show's standards), and it's good - very light, very floaty, lots of spinning and turning and very deft technical manoeuvres, and a real emotional hit behind it all. Probably the best solo of the night, I think.<br /><br />She walks over for a cuddle with Cat, who asks her about her most memorable moment, and Katie says that her highlight was last week, doing Mandy Moore's contemporary choreography on this show with Matt. Good choice. She thanks Mandy for the experience, and Cat reminds us that Katie RAN ACROSS THE STAGE AND THREW HERSELF AT MATT, JUST LIKE WE THE AUDIENCE SHOULD DO WHEN THE VOTING OPENS LATER! Or something. Cat tells us that if we think Katie should become Britain's favourite dancer, we should call the number shown on screen. Katie responds to this with an "oh, don't be daft" handwave. Seriously: I wish I'd appreciated her more earlier in the series.<br /><br />Next up for VT Exposure is Matt. He turned up to his audition in an Olly Murs-style Twat Hat, which I think was the moment that the seeds of my dislike for him were sown. Matt says that his ambition was always to make the final, and we see him tap his way to a golden ticket. He goes on to say that he was really lucky to be partnered with Charlotte, though he's too polite to add that this is because she made him look both better and smarter, instead saying that they were well-matched and she was a good friend. He recalls the standing ovation (minus Sisco) they got for the Broadway routine, and that they were being seen as a happy-go-lucky type couple, so he was glad when they got to show another side with a contemporary routine. He blathers on about seeing his parents every week in the audience, and that they've given him so much, and he hopes this can be a way of repaying them. Somehow I doubt he means the £50,000. He concludes that being in the show was awesome, and he's going to miss it very much. Though he'll get to be on it again when the Season 8 US finale rolls around, so I'm not crying so much here.<br /><br />Matt solos for us to 'Ain't Got No, I Got Life' by Nina Simone. Tappa tappa tappa. Tappa tappa tappa. Mostly throughout this routine I am mesmerised by the solid immovability of his quiff, which bounces up and down with him without a single strand falling out of place. I could seriously use a hairspray like that. It ends with a somersault, which he slides out of across the front of the stage, basically hurling his crotch into the camera. I didn't really need that. Another standing ovation from three judges, another standing no-vation from Sisco. Interesting.<br /><br />Cat's all "eh, it was okay. Couldn't you have done something MORE FUCKING SPECTACULAR at the end?", all jokey-jokey, and Matt suggest she give it a go, then. Cat scoffs at the very idea: "In this dress? You must be mad! We'd be taken off the air!" I think you're getting taken off the air after tonight anyway, Cat, so I say go for it. She asks for his favourite moment, and he says again that it was being paired with Charlotte, because the competition is not just about dance, it's also about coming over well in your VT (ha!), and she made that easy for him. He's got a point: I challenge anyone not to look good in comparison after spending five weeks coupled with someone who's all "WHAT AM A FOXTROT? LOOK A DONKEY!" Cat reads out Matt's voting number, Matt threatens to pick her up, Cat threatens to end him if he so much as tries it.<br /><br />Kirsty's VT next, and she opens it by saying that when she was a little girl, she expected to be on TV, which is such a Lauren Samuels level of ill-advised comment, I can't even begin to describe it. Girls should never expect anything, Kirsty! Girls must be grateful at all times that we even remember they're there! <i>(She probably meant Crimewatch as part of an all-girl cat-burgling team - Chris) </i>She says that as she got older, she realised those were just dreams, and says that she wanted it so bad when she did the audition, and it was a real kick to make the Top 20. Once there, she surprised us all by actually being quite good, and she says that she's danced "every genre possible" (perhaps not all of them, but she's certainly had to adapt to a wider range of styles than pretty much everyone else left standing at this point) and while the Bollywood and Argentine Tango routines were highlights, she can't pick an overall favourite because she loved it all. She adds that it hasn't always been easy for her (shot of Kirsty faceplanting on the <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/05/so-you-think-you-can-make-artem.html">Unsecured Table O' Doom</a>) and she has struggled in rehearsals because she can't always hear the music as well as everybody else, but she's wanted to dance ever since she was a little girl, and it makes her very emotional. She's very grateful to be in the Top 4, and thinks she's the luckiest girl in the world to have had the public voting for her.<br /><br />She solos to Britney Spears' 'I'm A Slave For You', and it's definitely better than both of her previous solos, if still not in the same league as everyone else. That's kind of all there is to say really. And she does the splits at the end.<br /><br />Cat tells Kirsty that enough of that "no favourites" nonsense, she needs to pick her most-cherished routine NOW, dammit. Kirsty opts for the Bollywood routine, because of the costume and because of Lee, saying that it made her feel like a superstar when he stuck her on his shoulder and paraded her around the stage.<br /><br />Finally in the solo branch, it's Angry Luke. We see his audition, back when he had normal-person hair (I know Chris will disagree with me on this, but I prefer his mad white-blonde hair, personally) <i>(eh - Chris)</i> and he explains that he was nervous and unsure if he wanted to do this when he turned up. He too relives the horror of Choreography Camp where he unwisely took on Nigel with the "walking is as good as dancing" argument, and thought that he might have cost him his place in the competition, which is why he spoke up for himself. Still, it didn't hurt him in the end, because he made it here to show us his chest and his FEELINGS and his leg extensions, and I for one am very glad indeed. Luke thinks his real turnaround week was beating the Latin curse with his paso doble, and he thinks the whole experience has been phenomenal because it's built up his confidence in himself. He gets a bit weepy and relates that his mum has been there for him throughout this experience, as she has been for his entire life, and he hopes that he's shown her he has done something with his life. He adds that the finale has crept up on him, and perhaps now he can finally take a step back and admit to himself that he's done well in something. Everybody wanting to give Angry Luke a big hug at this point, please form an orderly queue behind me.<br /><br />Luke's solo is to 'Love Don't Let Me Go' by David Guetta, and opens with the obligatory leg extension, before moving into a routine that's a little funkier and less emo than the solos I've come to expect from Luke, with a bit of body-popping and armography and crotch-thrusting and cheeky winks. I kind of prefer him when he's going batshit to Take That, but this is good too. Especially since he's wearing jeans that show off every muscle in his legs, and a vest that allows proper examination of his arms.<br /><br />Cat asks Luke for his personal highlight, and he thinks the vampire routine from week one, where he was hanging from the ceiling and realised he was part of something special. After the voting number is read out, Luke gives Cat one last wink and scarpers.<br /><br />More pairs now, and Kirsty and Matt are up first - but before that, of course, there's a VT - this time featuring contributions from their loved ones. Kirsty's parents say that they never expected she would be on this show because her hearing made things difficult for her, but that made her more determined. Kirsty's best friend Jennifer says that she's always been proud of Kirsty, but even more so now. Kirsty's friend Joanne says that it would be fantastic if Kirsty won, and Joanne's daughter (I assume) Ava says that Kirsty is "really good at dancing". Matt's aunt Jan says that she feels "absolutely choked" when she sees Matt dancing, but adds "with pride" before I can contribute my agreement to this sentiment. Dammit. Also, 'Hometown Glory', aka the worst song in the entire world, plays underneath this segment, so I'm almost inclined to skip the whole godforsaken thing, but I'm a professional <i>(LOL - Chris)</i>, so I shall continue. His father Edward says that he's so proud of "Matthew" that he wants to cry. So he does. Sharon, Matt's mum, calls her husband "a daft bat". Matt's highly attractive girlfriend Dominique says she would be ecstatic if he won, and says that she never quite realised how incredible he is until she saw him on the show.<br /><br />They're dancing an American Smooth foxtrot to the Candlelight Mix of 'Heaven' by DJ Sammy. The dancing's a little jerky in places, but for the most part they're graceful and smooth, with some lovely lines, and really selling the emotion of the dance, not that I'd expect anything less from these two. There's another stuttery part in the middle during a spin (for some reason, the spins seem to be the point where most contestants go wrong) but they get things back on track for the end, where Kirsty throws herself around Matt's neck and Matt holds his arms out all Jesus-like. Again.<br /><br />They have a hug and a little kiss afterwards, which Cat notes was not part of the official choreography <i>(ZOMG WATCHOUTDOMINIQUE! - Chris)</i>. There's a shot of Katya and Klaus in the audience, so I'm assuming this was their handiwork. Arlene tells Matt that he mastered the foxtrot with such grace and style, that he had the swing and the sway (shot of Matt gurning unattractively into the audience, like, pay a-fucking-ttention, Flint) and that she thinks lots of women must be wishing he was leading them right now. Kirsty allowed herself to be led, which Arlene thinks she doesn't do often, and she's the first girl Arlene has seen do the very difficult heel-turn, so she offers up her congratulations. Louise thinks there was a lot of romance on the stage, and that Matt was so smooth he could dance in a puddle without making a splash, while Kirsty is a star. Sisco loved the commitment they both contributed, and he thinks they were both stunning. Nigel thought when it was a foxtrot to a song called 'Heaven', that it would be the one that goes "Heaven, I'm in heaven..." - apparently nobody told Nigel that that song is in fact called 'Cheek To Cheek'. So he was surprised that it was a slow lyrical piece rather than a big personality number, but it doesn't matter because this was the first time tonight he's seen partners truly connect. Katya's throwing her arms out in the audience, all "FUCKING YES!"<br /><br />More VT, anyone? <i>(NO, FUCKING NO, NO, FUCK OFF VTS - Everyone)</i> Katie's brother Chris talks about what a joy it is to see his little sister on TV, and he thinks she's done brilliantly. Katie's smoking hot boyfriend Huw says that she's been dancing all her life and it's everything to her, and while he misses her, he loves seeing her do what she loves. Katie's aunt Jo can't even talk about her without crying. Katie's parents John and Sue are incredibly proud of her. Luke's best friend Abigail thinks he's got what it takes to go all the way. His stepdad David says that Luke's in the competition to prove to himself that he's got what it takes, and that they completely believe in him. Abigail reappears to say that he's an amazing dancer and an amazing person, and his mum Julie ends it awesomely: "to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer would be the icing on the cake, but then I've always known he's the best dancer." Excuse me, I have something in my eye. <i>(Use a tissue next time. Or a sock. It can sting - Chris)</i><br /><br />They have a tango to Grace Jones's 'I've Seen That Face Before (Libertango)', with Katie wearing a dress looking very similar to one sported by Kara Tointon on <i>Strictly</i>, the lilac one with the black trim and the cut-outs. It's set in a masquerade ball, though only Katie is wearing a mask. Despite the need for intricate footwork in a tango, the producers have in their infinite wisdom, decided to flood the stage with dry ice so we can't see a bloody thing. The ganchos are a little sluggish, and a few of the movements are a bit too studied, but there's some lovely intent in there, and these two smoulder like two very blonde smouldery things.<br /><br />Artem is in the audience, so we'll assume this was his work. Kristina is also sat next to him, but for some reasons this show steadfastly refuses to credit her for anything, so who knows if she was involved or not? Arlene says that the tango is the dance of seduction, and tonight they seduced each other, her eyes, and her heart. Nigel disagrees - he thought it started out well, but the technique wasn't good because the ganchos weren't sharp and dangerous enough. Sisco sneers at Nigel and throws technicality out of the window, because he thought they were sexy and charming. Louise thought it was dark and passionate, and she loved Katie bringing her sense of style, and Luke really fighting for the title.<br /><br />At this point, the phone lines open. Vote for whoever you like! I mean, if you vote for anyone other than Matt, you're throwing your money away, but still: democracy in action. And this is in no way bitterness from someone who voted several times for Luke and Kirsty.<br /><br />To round things off, it's time for the homoerotic routines. First up are the boys, and I'm sure it will SHOCK YOU TO YOUR VERY CORE to discover that they're doing a Broadway tap routine. Apparently Luke let slip a few weeks back that he had a bit of tap training, at which point currency symbols appeared in Nigel's eyes as he realised this was yet further fuel for MATTFLINTMANIA. <i>(But, but, but they draw the dance on this show ENTIRELY RANDOMLY, so etc etc etc... - Chris) </i>Bill Deamer is choreographing, and says that it's a genre all of its own, and there are no half measures. Nigel drops in on rehearsals to see how things are going, just as they're getting to grips with the routine. Luke mutters that he's messing up now that Nigel's here to watch. SO MANY FEELINGS. Nigel interviews that they have to be completely together, because it'll be very obvious if one of them makes a mistake. He demonstrates to Luke the difference between UK and American tap, the latter of which is apparently much lower on the ground, telling Luke he's "too high". Luke interviews in turn that this is a really big challenge for him because he's not a tapper (don't take it to heart, Luke, Tom was a tapper and it never did him any favours) but he's going to give it a go. Poor Luke. He deserves more than to just be a prop leading to Matt's inevitable victory. Nigel tells them to just do their best.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Puttin' On The Ritz' by Fred Astaire. First and foremost, I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms that there is nothing remotely homoerotic about this routine. Why have the boys perform together if they're not going to gay it up? I mean, I know we were spoilt with last week's paso doble, but this is still entirely unacceptable. The good news is that Luke is absolutely up to the task of a tap routine and gives Matt a damn good run for his money, just like I was hoping he would. Matt is obviously great because this is his JAHNRE, but my eyes are on Luke throughout. It ends, and they're both beaming; Luke in particular is all "I can't believe that worked!" Full standing ovation from the judges, Bill Deamer gives them a thumbs-up from the audience. Cat steals one of their discarded top hats and wanders around looking like a less embarrassed version of Amanda Holden in <i>Big Top</i>.<br /><br />Nigel thinks that Luke held his own in Matt's back yard. Should we really be bringing up what these people get up to in their private lives, Nigel? He thinks that some of Luke's taps were better than Matt's, while some of Matt's leaps were longer than Luke's, so he's amused that they've swapped skills. He wishes them both luck and announces that he believes one of them will win tonight. "But which one, Nigel?" asks absolutely no one. Arlene thinks Luke razzle-dazzled with elegance <i>(I'd let him razzle-dazzle my excellence etc etc- Chris)</i>, while Arlene thinks Matt might have two feet leaping all the way to Hollywood. Louise thinks it doesn't get better than that, and congratulates Matt for his spot-on tapping, and Luke for his versatility <i>(I'll thank Luke for his versatility etc etc - Chris)</i>. Sisco loves seeing Matt in his element (has he really ever been out of it? It's not like he ever drew hip hop or anything), while Luke might be sailing ahead. They tap offstage.<br /><br />Time for the girls to take over. Giant Lady is choreographing them a routine to 'Defying Gravity' from <i>Wicked</i>. She tells them to channel their inner Thelma & Louise. Which one's which? I'd put good money on Kirsty being Thelma, with Katie as Louise. Katie's happy for it to be just the girls in the studio, while Kirsty observes that it's a duet with a lot of contact, and if things don't work, then it could be dangerous (shot of Kirsty falling off Katie in rehearsals). Arlene pops in for a surprise visit, which leads them both to panic. She advises them both to ensure that moves that mirror each other her really do mirror each other. Arlene interviews that she's excited about the top two girls, but they're very different dancers. She loves Katie, but Katie is a technical dancer who isn't always the best performer. Kirsty does not have the technique (Arlene tells her off for "cutesy hands"), but she has great performance skills and is lovable. Giant Lady says that we need big, theatrical spectacle, and that they're putting the girls on a platform that any dancer would kill to be on.<br /><br />The track has been absolutely butchered to hell in the edit (I don't mind if they have to cut it all up to suit the natural beats of the routine, but at least try to edit it smoothly so it's not crashing and honking one second and deathly quiet the next) and the routine is very flowing, almost contemporary in its feel. As much as I love Kirsty, Katie's clearly better here - she just has the nuances down and is a little bit more fleet of foot, though Kirsty's giving it her all. The mirroring's pretty good, albeit not perfect, and there's a nice lift of Katie by Kirsty. At the end, they take hands (and Katie gives a brilliant "you ready?" look at Kirsty at this point that's more of a statement than a question) and then they rush to the front of the stage...where they have to frantically clamber onto a teeny platform over huge swathes of fabric and cling on for dear life as the teeny platform is borne aloft and the fabric fans over the stage. Now, I love a good West End spectacle as much as the next person, but there is almost no dancing in the last 15 seconds or so of this routine. This is not <i>So You Think You Can Grab Onto A Pole</i> (although obviously I would watch that and recap it in excruciating detail) <i>(If Angry Luke was on it etc etc - Chris)</i>, so I feel they've been slightly shortchanged in terms of having an opportunity to really show themselves off when the dramatic climax to their routine is barely even about them.<br /><br />Cat gives them a second to untangle themselves and beckons them over. Sisco is jealous that he didn't have that for his entrance - he thinks it was a great ending, and Kirsty was believable and in her element, while Katie was a star. Louise thinks Kirsty lives and breathes dance, and her face comes alive on stage, while Katie performed out to the room for a change. Arlene thinks there's a softness and appeal in Katie's dancing, and there's no question that Arlene loves her. She thinks Kirsty is the archetypal little girl who wants to dance, and while she wishes that Kirsty had more technique, she dances from the heart. Nigel thinks everything has been said - it's down to the public now, and a man's winning anyway, so this routine is totally irrelevant anyway. <i>(MattFlintMania's winning - everything is totally irrelevant - Chris)</i><br /><br />So that's it for the competitive dance portion of the competition. There's a lengthy recap of all of the evening's performances, because Lord knows we're not even close to our full allocation of VTs tonight. The final four dancers rejoin Cat on the stage and Cat turns to the room all "are you NOT entertained?" Oh, and here's where we get the ugly bit: Nigel speaks up to protect his own integrity, apparently, saying that "dancing is 50% performance, 50% technique, and I think we've all got to remember tonight that it isn't just performance we're voting on, it is <i>So You Think You Can Dance</i>, and dance needs technique as well." Which is basically a long-winded way of saying "DON'T VOTE FOR KIRSTY" in a way that is intended not to sound like that. Also, I'd object to this a lot less if Nigel hadn't spent half the season justifying controversial decisions with "it's Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's best dancer!", so this last-minute moving of the goalposts is unseemly. If he didn't want to take Kirsty over to dance on the US show's season finale, then he should've thought of that sooner. Although frankly this whole conversation takes place in a universe where there's any doubt of Matt winning the whole thing, and that is not the universe I know, so it feels like an entirely wasted gesture anyway.<br /><br />Arlene is asked who stood out, and she thinks the boys did with their tap routine, which made her "heart beat in the rhythm of their feet". I'm going to miss Arlene. Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber can give her a job when one of his shows is occupying this timeslot next year. Louise thinks it's tough to call a frontrunner at this point ("Matt!" shouts someone from the audience, who clearly is not finding this particular call anywhere near as difficult as Louise apparently is), and refers back to the "it's the public's decision of who wins, so I'm not going to say anything." God, just answer the fucking question, Louise. No one listens to you anyway, so it's not like anyone's going to hold you to it. Sisco also sits on the fence, saying that everyone has done well and they all deserve to win. Cat thanks the judges for their services over the evening, and reminds us of the phone numbers one last time.<br /><br />Coming up in the results show: the return of the Top 20 dancers, and international megastar Jennifer Lopez. Also: Matt wins. Oops, spoiler! <i>(YOU'VE RUINED THE IMPACT OF MY ENTIRE RECAP NOW THANKS A LOT *quits* - Chris)</i>Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-32966737667100549522011-06-05T17:21:00.009+01:002011-06-05T19:33:22.000+01:00A Schue-in<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 6 Results: 4th June 2011</span><br /><br />Previously: AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose rifled through Sisco's wardrobe and then showed us their murky cha cha, MattFlintMania and Katie Love did something that is exactly what you'd expect a contemporary dance interpretation of 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' to look like, and Angry Luke and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty went to prom together as friends, but THEY TOTALLY GOT INVITES FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND CHOSE NOT TO ACCEPT THEM OKAY. Having thus established that we were in for a gay old time, the show then climaxed with an all-male paso doble that left me feeling like I needed a cigarette afterwards (and I say this as someone who has never smoked in his life), and an all-female contemporary routine covered in glitter confetti with a Bette Midler soundtrack. Seriously: so much gay.<br /><br />STEPHENSONDHEIMCANDANCE!<br /><br />We start with another group number, to the Glee version of 'Proud Mary'. Everyone's dressed as 1960s fashion victims on Carnaby Street, by which I mean the ladies have all got black bobcut wigs on, with pink minidresses and thigh-high boots, and then men are all in tight black tops and trousers, and accessorised with white belts and a white target painted on their chests. With those wigs on, it is quite difficult to tell the women apart. I hadn't realised how reliant I was on things like Katie Love's pink hair to identify people. Anyway, they proceed with a fun Broadway number with lots of cute sixties touches, and Luke is vamping away like a good'un. Cat arrives and declares peace, and most of them give V-signs (the nice kind) back to her, apart from Matt who ignores her entirely. Cat thanks Bill Deamer for choreographing that routine, and I wonder why Bill couldn't have been around more often this series, as I've really enjoyed both of his routines tonight. Also, Cat's hair needs a good brushing. You're a Pantene spokeswoman, Cat. I'm sure there is something in your contract that forbids you from going on television looking like this.<br /><br />Highlights from earlier: with Lee's hair slicked back, Bethany Rose vowed to "flick for the both of us". DIRTY! She tells us that she loved dancing with Lee and couldn't ask for anything more. Matt was "technically flawless", per Sisco, and says backstage that he felt that they were both just really in the moment. Kirsty got a rave review from Sisco <i>[and hence from nobody - Chris]</i> and hurled under the bus <a href="http://overtherainbitch.blogspot.com/2010/05/dont-bother-you-wont-be-here.html">Jenny-style</a> by everyone else. Her acting is half-baked! Dogs hate Kirsty! Kirsty is not small and truthy like Danielle is! Kirsty responds to this by fleeing the stage in tears, and crying to the make-up team that she couldn't see anything because of all the hair in her face. Oof. Lee was ecstatic to have some of his best feedback of the season (I hope he's not including Nigel's "the public hate you, you're going home tonight" in that, because if so he has really low self-esteem). Louise thought Katie was perfect, and Katie thinks that she needed to raise her game, and hopes that she did that tonight. Luke looked better in a lilac suit than anyone has any right to, and was pretty awesome on the dancefloor as well (though I'm disappointed not to get a chance to revisit his madbonkers solo here), and he's really happy with the judges' comments.<br /><br />Cat assures everyone that they've all been phenomenal tonight, but they do need to put two more guys and two more girls in the danger zone. She's going to start with the girls: Katie's contemporary routine earned a standing ovation, and Arlene thought she delivered tonight; Bethany got some good feedback but almost none of it is repeated here; Kirsty was thrown under the bus entirely. The first girl through to the final is...Kirsty! Kirsty gapes, Bethany Rose smiles affectionately, Katie Love looks impassive. So Katie and Bethany Rose are dancing for their lives, to no one's surprise. Cat urges them to give it everything they've got.<br /><br />Same deal for the guys: Luke's Broadway routine got rave reviews all round; Matt's contemporary routine took Nigel by surprise; Lee delivered as always. The guy who is safe and through to the final is...Matt. Again, absolutely no surprise there, and I think I include everyone on stage when I say it, though Matt at least makes a decent fist of being humble about it all. On the bright side: this means we get solos from Luke and Lee B, both of which should be AMAZING.<br /><br />Katie's up first, performing to 'Then You Look At Me' by Celine Dion. It's actually a very passionate performance from her, using the whole of the stage, never stopping for a second, really hurling herself into every movement. It's basically the same level of engagement she had in her earlier number, except without having Matt there to catch her when she lobs herself forward.<br /><br />Luke's next, dancing to 'I'm Not Alone' by Calvin Harris. I regret to inform you that it is comparitively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier <i>[Liza Minnelli is comparatively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier - Chris]</i>, but if you like looking at the muscles in his arms <i>[YOU RANG? - Chris]</i>, this will be right up your street because there is some serious flexing going on here.<br /><br />Bethany Rose returns to dance to 'Man In The Mirror' by Michael Jackson, having returned to a red cut-out leotard rather than the demure flowy dresses she's been sporting for solos quite a lot recently. I'm actually a bit disappointed with this solo, which seems like a lot of nothing - a few impressive moments, but in terms of commitment and energy, it's rather lacking compared to Katie's solo, or indeed Bethany Rose's own solo from earlier.<br /><br />And finally, there is Lee B, sporting a new yet equally horrific pair of leggings. LEAVE THE LEGGINGS ALONE, LEE B. His routine is to 'Army Of Me' by Björk. Fortunately, after the disappointment of Luke's restraint, Lee unleashes enough crazy for everyone in his routine, which is a proper kitchen sinker. Lots of leaps, lots of kicks, some crawling on the floor, and mine and Chris's personal favourite, a moment where he twitches his head back while kicking his foot around, almost kicking himself in the head. Oh, and his hair is completely obscuring his face, Kirsty-style, for a good half of the routine.<br /><br />While the judges deliberate, here is Mr Schuester from <i>Glee</i> to sing for us. At this point, I wish I were one of the judges up there deliberating, just so I wouldn't have to listen to this. The song is 'Still Got Tonight' from his new eponymous album, and it's pretty bland, although it's nice to know that Kris Allen's still using his time productively (he co-wrote it, you see). Anyway, I'm sure Matthew Morrison is a perfectly nice bloke, but the problem with him as a solo artist is that, because of <i>Glee</i>, it is essentially like watching one of your teachers getting up and singing in assembly. <i>[That and the hair - Chris]</i> Also, I found out yesterday that Naya Rivera had signed a record deal, which kind of makes this entire performance irrelevant. SANTANA LOPEZ 4EVA.<br /><br />Once that's over, Cat welcomes back the four dancers who are in danger, GURL. Starting with the girls, Nigel says that Katie and Bethany Rose are the two that he would've liked to see in the finals, but Britain has voted, and the show is meant to be about Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's <i>best</i> dancer, although frankly that still doesn't explain Charlie Bruce <i>[Nothing explains Charlie Bruce - Chris]</i>. Nigel loves Bethany and thinks she's fabulous, but tonight Katie won him over, so Bethany's outta here. Bethany's all "yup, kinda saw that coming." Cat offers to show us Bethany's best bits, although thanks to some of her outfit choices, most of us are probably intimately familiar with them. Anyway: golden ticket, hanging up on Nigel, spiderweb of doom, being raised by alpacas, somehow surviving two hip hop routines. Cat tells Bethany we'll all remember that spider routine forever, <i>[WE WILL ALL REMEMBER BETHANY-ROSE'S SPIDER FOREVER - Chris] </i>and Bethany says that she felt so strongly about this competition, and thanks everyone for making her dreams come true. She also thanks her supportive family of adorable barnyard animals.<br /><br />Time to sort out the boys. The judges are unanimous, though Nigel stresses that it's not about letting somebody go that is bad, just about having to let <i>someone</i> go. They're both unique dancers, but AndrogyLee is the one who's going home. Lee looks a little sad, but gets a hug from Luke which I think would go some way to making up for it. (What? Luke looks like he hugs well.) While Luke goes off to hug Matt as well, Lee gets another hug from Cat, and we review his finest leggings of the series: lots of "breaking the mould", lots of "you're a nerd who's in love with Kirsty", lots of hair, lots of leggings, lots of general Team Raggy Dolls amazingness. Aw. I'm going to miss AndrogyLee, but I guess at least he'll be back next week for the finale anyway, so this isn't such a terrible week to go out, especially when it's basically all just a fight to see who gets to finish second behind MATTFLINTMANIA anyway. <i>[Is it Kirsty? Is it Luke? THE TENSION - Chris] </i>Lee's VT finishes by saying that he loves that the show has allowed him to be unique, and he hopes that if people stare at him now, it's because he was on the telly. Cat asks what she's going to do without him every week, and Lee replies that he's not sure, because "Britain needs more leggings." Hee! He adds that he came on the show to prove that you can't judge a book by its cover, and hopes that's what he's done. Kirsty is crying and yelling and jumping up and down for him like a mad thing in the pit. Awww. I hope they stay friends, they look like they had a great time dancing together.<br /><br />Cat teases next week's grand finale featuring Jennifer Lopez <i>[I cannot believe J-Lo is turning up for this - Chris]</i> as Kirsty runs onstage and hurls herself at Lee, and Bethany sort of stands there a bit awkwardly until Matt walks up and gives her a big hug. As always, eventually it just devolves into a big group cuddle party and then we're done. So, your finalists are: MattFlintMania, Angry Luke, Katie Love and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty. Who will win? Well, Matt, obviously, but who will come second? <i>[F'nar - Chris] </i>That, I'm sure you'll agree, is a question that no one can answer, at least not until next Saturday's results show. See you then!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-81426476466273525422011-06-05T14:29:00.005+01:002011-06-05T19:33:11.995+01:00So You Think You Can Be A Pasosexual?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 6: 4th June 2011</span><br /><br />Previously : We finally crowbarred apart our original couples, and in doing so discovered who'd been pulled this far on the back of a more popular partner (Hi Scally! Hi AndrogyLee!) and who was just unpopular in their own right (Hi Bethany-Rose!). After Chicago, Librarian Girls, AndrogyLee getting drafted off to fight the Nazis, and Angry Luke inviting us all into his Supermassive Black Hole OF FEELINGS, it was Israel and Scally who got the flick, leaving us with, unless Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty's vote collapses, the most predictable semi-finals OF ALL TIME.<div><br /></div><div>SOGGYPANTIESCANDANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>We open with a group number, which appears to be somewhat Riviera themed. All the women are sunning themselves on loungers in their swimming costumes, reading SYTYCD! Magazine (cover star Louise, who is promising to reveal her Top 10 Dance Moves inside. I bet one of them's The Worm. And Emma Bunton's patented titiruba). [<span style="font-style: italic;">I completely did not notice this the first time I watched. Then again, I might have been distracted by the men in tight shorts. - Steve</span>] The boys meanwhile are their waiters/pool boys/gigolos, serving them cocktails and frotting up against them, despite the presence of a giant "No Petting" sign. How rude. I guess if Paige was still here there'd be a "No Bombing" sign as well. Maybe in reference to Angry Luke, Katie Love and Bethany Rose-Lee's past CRIMES AGAINST CHOREOGRAPHY there should be a "No Walking" sign.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, they're all sexing it up and flouncing around to some song that is familiar to me, but which I couldn't say I really recognised or liked, which automatically means that it's from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. This makes me a bad gay I know. Speaking of which, the whole show this week is basically the infamous Homo Camp that Simon Cowell definitely did not put Ronan Parke through now he did not, don't come after me Syco Lawyers. But we'll get to that. The routine ends with the boys MIND-TRICKING the girls into serving them cocktails and waiting on them instead. THE CLASS SYSTEM IS SUBVERTED, LIVE, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! I note none of them are so gay yet that they're reading about Nurding's Dream Dresses. That'll change.</div><div><br /></div><div>Enter Deeley : dressed as a sparkly sea-cucumber. She shoos the dancers, showing that no matter how much the class system of Earth is disrupted, Cat is still God. She tells us that we're only ONE WEEK AWAY from crowning MattFlintMania! as Britain's Favourite Dancer! But who does the audience think MattFlintMania! is going to be? Some poor soul yells "Bethany-Rose". As that MUST be a member of her family to be so happily deluded, they really should have panned to the audience so we could see a goose talk. You know, outside of the Babe movies. But before that, tonight each contestant must perform a group routine, a couples routine, and a solo, to test their bodies and their brains. Then they enter the Fun House itself, for a MAD TWO MINUTE DASH FOR EXCITING PRI...no? Oh, wrong show.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Sidebar : Cat is pretty much the perfect human being, but I've just noticed she is constantly Lady Macbeth'ing her free hand when she talks. It's distracting Cat. It's pulling me away from appreciating your topical comedy about FIFA.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Judges are introduced now : Sisco, who has apparently "just beamed down from Planet Fabulous", Louise who is apparently "the most glamorous judge who will never budge" (Arlene demonstrably stops clapping at this point), Arlene Phillips who "before Heat Magazine, gave us REAL Hot Gossip" (so she'll no doubt be attacking FDOFPFP Kirsty's thighs with her RING OF SHA...no, actually if anyone's getting attacked by Arlene's Ring Of Shame it'll be one of the boys), and finally "the man, the maestro, the miracle of movement, Mr" Nigel Lythgowe. Who then dons shades and vaudeville's around about how he's blinded by Cat's dress. Consequently I have donned shades to counter the hangover I'm enduring because of the amount of alcohol I had to consume and get through this and Britain's Got Singers Who Are Too Niche/Unstable For The X Factor in the same evening.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat and Sisco have a gay-off as to who is dressed in the most homosexual fashion, before Nigel is asked about the emotional, physical and mental struggle of having to get through three group numbers, a paired routine, and potentially two solos all in one week. Nigel's response "tough!". Hopefully we'll have broken someone in the time for the final again, just like last year! Imagine if it was MattFlintMania! IMAGINE the panic from the production team at the thought of who might actually have a chance of winning then. Kirsty would randomly probably randomly draw "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and out of the totally random draw and be made to dance it in a burkini whilst "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" plays as her music. [<span style="font-style: italic;">She'd still get my vote. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene is asked to empathetically minge on about how hard dancers work and how underpaid they are, as she is sat there being paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to alliterate, call people fat, and sleaze on men who are less than a third her age. LET THEM EAT CAKE! Arlene declares that just this week she was contacted by someone asking if one of the eliminated girl contestants could come and audition for a top West End Musical. Scally IS Grizabella! Possibly. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Perhaps they want Paige for a production of A Bore-Us Line. No? I'll get my coat. - Steve</span>] Cat gushes that you NEVER KNOW who's watching. Or, frankly, if anyone is. (*pokes ratings machine* *smoke emerges*)</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, a very Strictly moment, as all the judges sit around backstage and discuss what they think of each contestant, like that isn't entirely obvious at this point. We do get nice little video-screens beforehand telling us key-details like :</div><div><br /></div><div>MattFlintMania! - 29 - 5ft 8 - CAN DO ANYTHING</div><div>Angry Luke - 30 - 7ft 5 - SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS</div><div>AndrogyLee - 21 - Special Move : Head Thrash - WEIRRRRRRRRRD</div><div>Kirsty - 29- Jazz - FAAAAAAAT</div><div>Bethany Rose Lee - 20 - Jazz - DON'T HATE HER BECAUSE YOU AIN'T HER!</div><div>Katie Love - 24 - Special Move : Jumps & Drops - THE ONLY CONTEMPORARY DANCER WE HAVE LEFT SO PLEASE VOTE FOR HER BECAUSE WITHOUT CONTEMPORARY TO REGULARLY OVER-PRAISE THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ITSELF!</div><div><br /></div><div>Judges start with Kirsty, with Arlene calling her "adorable" and pondering on her Argentine Tango. "Where did those things come from?" she wonders. Genetics? Sisco calls her a "dark horse", like she hasn't clearly been annihilating all the other women in the vote from second 1. They then move on to Matt, who Nigel (after last week saying that he hadn't really seen Matt expand outside of his JAHNRUH) says has really done well expanding outside of his JAHNRUH. Arlene says that Matt is a "cute little package", and everything about him is small, apart from his personality and his technique. Meow. [<span style="font-style: italic;">But is it truthy? Where's Sheila Hancock when you need her? - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco says that Katie Love is great to watch in contemporary, but she hasn't unleashed her beast yet. Arlene wants to see her really let herself go and be thrilling. Arlene also wants to kick her in the face. Well that relationship turned abusive fast. Luke is next, and Arlene says he's one of the most exciting dancers in the competition, with Louise saying that he's improved every week to the extent that he's now a front runner. Bethany-Rose Lee is next, with Sisco calling her a vixen, and Louise saying that she's so hungry and driven that she's lost the softer side of herself. That DRIVEN MONSTER! Maybe it's because you've not given her one single routine which wasn't either hip-hop or her having to act like a dutty ho, or wasn't that Charleston where Israel stole the show by flopping around everywhere like a dying mackerel. Nigel says that she has the best technique of all the girls by far. Yeah, that'll win her votes.</div><div><br /></div><div>We close with AndrogyLee, who Sisco describes as weird and wonderful and eccentric, with Louise chiming in "JUST LIKE YOU!". No Louise, not like Sisco. Profoundly not like Sisco. We close with Nigel being terrified of AndrogyLee's leggings, and how they make him feel as a man. Calm down Nigel, he'll be gone soon.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back in the studio after that waste of time, it's time for our first couple. Cat explains to us all that this evening, they've mixed the couples up so that each dancer will be partnered with someone they've never danced with before. Despite the fact that this means that there are only two possible combinations, we still go ahead with the totally random drawing anyway because...who's paying attention really? First up, and doomed are AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose Lee. IT'S TEAM LEELEE! Cat tells us all that this week for them has been all about hair-whips, shoulder-dips and bruised lips. And, judging from the PVC outfits they're wearing, probably chafed nips as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>In VT, both AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose Lee talk about how gutting it was for them to be in the bottom two last week. Well, for AndorgyLee anyway. Bethany-Rose seems kind of over it at this point. We're shown them totally randomly drawing one-another, and whipping their manes at one-another in delight. Bethany-Rose was of course taught to whip her mane as a greeting by her mother the Palomino Pony. They also totally randomly draw cha cha, which neither of them look particularly happy about. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, we're shown AndrogyLee's morning routine. Waking up, showering, applying his eye-liner, eating his toast, and leaving the house at 8am. He does some good-natured moaning about having to leave the house so early. A nation's heart bleeds. Once at training we learn that the choreographers for this routine are Artem and Kristina. Kristina as per usual does not get to speak. I hope she and Mute Jaci choreograph a routine for the final and convey it to the contestants entirely via the art of mime. Artem and Bethany-Rose go for a tricky lift, and he punches Bethany-Rose in the face, and then pulls "erp!" face right down the camera. He explains that the routine he's choreographed is hard, because it's a semi-final, but not that hard, because it's a semi-final. THANKS ARTEM.</div><div><br /></div><div>Both Bethany-Rose and AndrogyLee interview to the effect that they don't have a bloody clue what's going on, and that this is their most difficult routine yet. Artem bellows "WE ARE FAKING IT UNTIL WE ARE MAKING IT!" right at the camera, which...bodes well. He says that he's glad it is at least going better today than it was yesterday, because following yesterday's rehearsal, Artem felt on the verge of running home and crying. Yeah, that's difficult to imagine...</div><div><br /></div><div>So out to the stage we go, and each of them is dominatrixed up (well...AndrogyLee's kind of wearing a dominatrix Bowling Shirt) because this is an Artem Chigvintsev cha cha. Remember how he dressed Kara up as his fantasy cha-cha girl? Yeah. That. They're dancing to Judas by Lady Gaga, which really excited me during the week because I want nothing for the best for AndrogyLee on the show this week, like you gather all an elderly great-aunt's favourite things around her so she's extra comfortable before she dies, but I didn't really think how it would work as a cha cha. And neither did Artem by the looks of it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany-Rose is totally on auto-slag for the entire routine. I think this is her equivalent Slutwalk after Nigel told her to stop being so sexy last week because she was putting women off. She looks AMAZING, but the music's so gloopy and slowed down that there's no real sense of fun or bounce to the routine. I don't know why you'd try to choreograph a tortured cha cha, but there we are. AndrogyLee's trying, but his moves are a bit clicky, and really it's all eyes on Bethany-Rose for me in this dance. They do an amazing lift at the end where she cartwheels into a drop and gives sex eyes to the camera, but I'm basically left wishing they'd done a Commercial or Jazz routine to the same song, because it doesn't really suit this JAHNRUH.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the audience, Artem and Kristina look non-plussed. Well, you choreographed it. Behind them, Klaus turns to Katya and says something that looks a bit like "well that wasn't bad". Cat coos generically at AndrogyLee as he comes over about how "everything is hanging off those cheekbones". Including the hopes of a nation yes?</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel starts by saying that he thinks that if someone tuned on in the middle, they'd be surprised to learn that that was a cha-cha. That's the politest version of "what the fuck was that?" I've ever heard. He doesn't even know how they did that last lift (Artem : "IT WAS TRICKY!"). Apparently if we go by the votes then these are the two who will be leaving this evening. And the show does, so they're eliminated there and then. The End.</div><div><br /></div><div>No? OK. We've got to string this out for another three hours. Nigel says that he hopes that the other four dancers will be even more amazing than that tonight, so these two going home won't be too much of a wrench. AndrogyLee was so strong, and Bethany-Rose was sensational, and Nigel doesn't understand why the public haven't warmed to her. IT'S CAUSE OF DAT ASS NIGEL, THAT MUST BE WHY!</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene is asked if she's ever seen a PVC-clad cha-cha before, and she lies that she hasn't. Whatever Arlene, I would be surprised if your cha-cha wasn't encased in man-made plastics right now. She agrees with Nigel that she didn't see a lot of cha cha going on, but she did see a lot of charm going on. It was fizzing like champagne in a cocktail shaker, and it had WOW FACTOR. Oh sod off with your Wow Factor Arlene. Worst reality tv cliche outside of X Factor. Bethany-Rose could have moved her hips more, and AndrogyLee could have worked the floor more, but other than that? SENSATIONAL.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise says that AndrogyLee danced with great "mashcoolinity" for a man wearing so much eye-liner and he really deserves to be there, and that Bethany-Rose really took on their criticism and worked on it in that routine, by improving her arms and gaining the Latin flavour. Sisco does nothing all evening apart from crawl every single dancer's bum and stays there. I ain't recapping that. PRIZES FOR EVERYONE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up : some solos. First up is Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Can't Solo Kirsty. She does her solo to "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone and...it's better than last week. There. I was nice. I have loved everything that Kirsty has done in her pairs, even when she was SheWolf Of The Apprentice, but in the final battle for my heart between her and Angry Luke for the Win, these solos are really what tipped the balance. She's asked by Cat what it would mean to her reach the final, and she says it'll be the culmination of her life-long dream of dance. Bless. She's then asked what she's enjoyed about the show, and she says everything. Even the bits that hurt. And which she didn't sue over. Remember? </div><div><br /></div><div>Standing alone next Cat officially makes Kirsty look like a dwarf. If she turned to the right she could motorboat her, BURLESQUE STYLE. Just saying. [<span style="font-style: italic;">If only they'd moved the show to a post-watershed graveyard slot instead of an early evening slot o' doom. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Speaking of Angry Luke's Angry Solos, we're about to experience one, and Jesus Wept this is pretty much Furious Luke. I haven't seen this amount of emoting to The Flood since Take That performed it for the fiftieth time in the X Factor final and I put my fist through my coffee table. Jumping and punching and growling and rolling about and gravity defying leaps and carthweels and FURIOUS FURIOUS SPINNING. It gets so loud and so angry that when she shoves his pecs at the camera with a flourish half-way through, Take That actually sing a little bit quieter because he's scaring the bejesus out of them. And they're on a pre-recorded backing track. It ends with Luke sprawled on the floor like From Here To Eternity, tummy heaving up and down with spent emotion. Cat asks him about his perspective on this experience. He replies that it is the BEST THING HE'S EVER DONE. ALL THESE NEW EXPERIENCES AND FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. Cat makes him wink like Anne Robinson down the camera-lens just to take the edge off a bit.</div><div><br /></div><div>Those over, Cat asks us what we were doing at 6:30am on Monday. I was sleeping Cat. Apparently if we were dancing to The Boomtown Rats, we were Matt Flint and Katie Love. This whole "Boomtown Rats" thing is never explained. They're not shown dancing to it - it's just layered on the soundtrack to Matt hitting his alarm clock. It did get my hopes up we were due a school-shooting themed pop-jazz to "I Don't Like Mondays." We Need To Talk About Katie Love.</div><div><br /></div><div>In VT , we're reminded that last week was officially a good week for Katie Love and Matt Flint, as Katie Love got to vamp around like Roxie Hart, and Matt Flint drew the dance outside of his wheelhouse that just involves standing there and occasionally grabbing a boob. Out of the CatBox, Katie Love draws Matt, and then Matt draws out Contemporary. Both look very pleased indeed. Matt in interview says that, as he's partnered with a contemporary dancer, he's really going to have to up his game to keep up. Yes Matt, because otherwise you might go home. Definitely.</div><div><br /></div><div>6:30am Monday now, as Matt very diligently prepared breakfast, sniffs his milk, gets dressed, does his hair, climbs in his taxi, and sets off to work. Meanwhile, Katie Love stumbles out her door at 9 or so, clutching her toast and wearing sunglasses. Hands up who thinks Katie Love got trashed last night? Yeah, me too. In rehearsals, there stands Mandy Moore, again, because she's obviously not busy, carrying the weight of this show's choreography entirely on her back for the forseeable. She says that, as it's the semi-finals, and Matt and Katie are a "power couple" they're going to need a routine that really pushes them.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cue the next 30 seconds or so being Matt struggling manfully through really difficult Contemporary choreography, Katie Love being dumped repeatedly on her spine, and her seeming like she'd quite like to dance this with someone who knows what they're doing so she doesn't end up a vegetable. It's like Lee-Boy never went away isn't it? I'm sure this will end exactly the same way with the judges as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and they're both dressed in pale-piss yellow and dancing to "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". It's your standard "dress in whites and pale colours and roll around the floor to a woman being overwrought with mostly awkward lifts occasionally shoe-horned in". I love Mandy Moore, but much more as a jazz choreographer than a contemporary one, because her music choices are always a bit...naff. Which works for jazz, but for contemporary routines it takes the edge off the routine a little if I was doing a routine with the same intent around my outdoor chair-swing at my 19th birthday whilst out of my mind on cheap champagne. </div><div><br /></div><div>Is that enough insight into my life yet? [<span style="font-style: italic;">Never. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Matt is pretty good, except when he has to do lifts, when it all gets a bit fumbly. Katie Love is also good, although she radiates about as much connection with her partner as a windsock does to a hippopotamus. They do get killer air off a leap at the end though, which makes the whole thing just about worthwhile. For a lyrical routine though, there's not nearly enough turning around on the "TURN AROUND!" bits.</div><div><br /></div><div>Everyone in the room gives it a standing O, including the judges, and this time Louise doesn't even have to drag Sisco up by the elbow. Cat gushes about how she was standing there ready to catch Katie Love if Matt missed her. Like Katie Love would let that happen. She'd totally twist mid-air and take him down with her. </div><div><br /></div><div>Louise starts for the judges saying that she felt really emotional throughout, because she knows these two have been on such a JOURNEY (*drink*). Matt has mutant ninja dance style powers that can't be taught, only bred via a complex chain of genetic accidents through the years, and Katie Love occasionally lacks oomph, but did not then. It was full of oomph. Mostly the noises she was making as Matt dug his fingers into her ribs trying to keep hold of her. Nigel follows, thanking Mandy Moore for that routine, and her routines through the series in general. In the audience (sitting next to what I originally took to be a "yellowed-up" Kate Prince, like she could possibly get more offensive) does the little "prayer hands dip" of thanks that Dr Hamela did all last series on Strictly. It's kind of charming on her though.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel carries on praising Katie Love's leap favourably to Rithy's poor effort from earlier in the series (LEAVE RITHY ALOOOOOOONE!) and also by praising MattFlintMania! for being what this show is all about, because he's a tapper who is now OUTSIDE OF HIS JAHNRUH! Arlene follows by bigging up Matt for showing he could do contemporary dance, and also Katie Love for giving herself entirely to the dance. When she heard Bonnie Tyler yell "I REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT!", Arlene replied "oh alright Bonnie, do you want me to pick up a copy of More magazine, a Mars Ice Cream Bar and a bottle of Absolut as per usual? We can watch the Britain's Got Talent final and whip bits of nougat at Amanda Holden's head. I've just got to over-praise some contemporary dance first".</div><div><br /></div><div>More solos now : First up is Bethany-Rose Lee being all floaty and balletic and lyrical to a Kelly Clarkson album track. NB : you can still see her boobs. She's still Bethany-Rose Lee. Of all the solos of the evening it's actually probably the best. I love that Bethany-Rose Lee is bringing it when there's absolutely no need to. At least she's going out on a high. She wanders over to Cat, and tells her that this competition has been a dream come true for her. Cat tries to make her say she really hopes she's in the final. As that kind of relies on that Bonnie Tyler routine having propelled Katie Love above Kirsty in the vote, which is not entirely likely and also nothing to do with her, she kind of shrugs it off all "yeah, that'd be nice".</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up in the Solos Of The Damned is AndrogyLee, bringing some Beastie Boys ("Whatcha Want?") to So You Think You Can Dance? His leggings are Union Jack themed, his jacket looks like a third-tier Tekken character, and he is giving it edgy style and lots of leg, as per usual. There's a tiny little bit of a hip-hop feel and swagger to the whole number, which is nice given that we put a bullet in the last of our four hip-hop dancers last week. Cat pulls him over, and asks him to explain his leggings. AndrogyLee says that they represent him hopefully being Britain's Favourite Dancer, which he follows up with a little salute. Cat asks him what he'll take out of the experience, and he says that he's learnt so much, and also now got great big muscular arms. Cat tries to get him to play a game of "Which Way To The Beach?" with her. He has no clue what she's on about.</div><div><br /></div><div>Final couple now, and if I thought Kirsty looked like a midget next to Cat...she's now stood next to Angry Luke. Yeah. Cat says this couple were really happy with the genre they pulled this week, until they got to rehearsals. Was it there that Kirsty discovered that the make-up for this routine was going to be so bad that it would make her look like a cross-eyed badger?</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT we are reminded that last week was also a Good Week for these two (apart from when Arlene decided to call out Kirsty's solo after every single routine, like, even the boys group number - "that was really sharp and masculine, MUCH BETTER THAN KIRSTY'S STOOPID SOLO!"). Afterwards both of them apparently retired to the show's Star Bar [<span style="font-style: italic;">otherwise known as the BBC Club Bar on the fifth floor of Television Centre - Steve, the former BBC employee</span>], where Kirsty doled out lots more hugs, and Luke got drunk on pints. We don't see him outside afterwards throwing his shoes at the moon howling "WHY WAS I BORN SO POWERFUL I CAN'T HANDLE IT?!"</div><div><br /></div><div>We're shown the formality of Kirsty "drawing" Luke out of the CatBox, even though both could only conceivably be paired with the other this week, and also drawing Broadway, which is really probably the best for both of them. Could you imagine them doing that Contemporary? Yeah, me either. </div><div><br /></div><div>In training, they encounter Bill Deamer, of "Matt & Scally go to the seaside" fame, who says that their routine this week will be 1950s Prom themed, and have to bounce with a Charleston rhythm. Oh good. More Charleston. He says that the routine will be of the standard of that which he would give two professional theatre dancers. Which...is what Luke is, so...good? Everyone huffs and puffs and gets out of breath, and I'm mostly distracted by how stacked Kirsty is now. She is officially Muscly Old Deaf Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty now. WHAT A JOURNEY! [<span style="font-style: italic;">Seriously, the final numbers show that absolutely everyone in the top six ended up with a six-pack, so now I wish I'd entered this show. Because, erm, I'd totally have made the top six. - Steve</span>] Kirsty tries to start a football fan-esque "WE'RE GOING TO THE FINAL!" chant. Angry Luke looks a bit sick. It's like him and Danielle Week One all over again, and we all know how that ended right? With SO MANY FEELINGS!</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage and they're dancing to Varsity Drag from the god-awful 20's musical "Good News". I dare you to sit through the film version. It's a MARATHON. Awful. It's infamous for being set in the 20s and using 1940s styles. So obviously this version sees both Kirsty and Angry Luke dressed up like the 50s. The whole routine is very very very very very fast to begin with, then gets slower and less manic as it goes on. Either that or they just run out of puff. Luke is demonstrably more on top of things than Kirsty is, and she occasionally seems a bit disorientated but it's not as though she's particularly shaming herself, and by very design she's better at the whole "Joan Leslie On Uppers" vibe of the routine. I am a bit disappointed it doesn't end like Angry Luke's actual prom though - ie him getting a bucket of pig's blood dumped on his head and killing everyone via telekinesis. As they finish, Kirsty honks "I COULDN'T SEE!" at Angry Luke, and then Cat pulls her over and gets her to explain that she was having trouble because of all the masses of hair that were in her face throughout. It's not quite "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!", but it'll do. Kirsty half cracks up, and half breaks down over this. It's quite a combo of FEELINGS. Obviously Luke is rubbing off on her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene starts for the judges (well, actually it's Sisco, but, you know, I'm never going to have to recap him again after next week, so why not start now?) by saying that Kirsty was soft and blunted and let Luke down in that routine. From somewhere off in irrelevance Sisco starts screaming until Nigel gets him to shut up. Louise follows by saying that that wasn't her favourite routine she's seen the pair of them do (I hope she means individually, rather than as a couple. Louise does seem a bit out of it this evening), but she hopes the people at home realise how difficult it is for TALL PEOPLE TO DANCE. Yes dear, I think Len Goodman has covered that more than accurately for the last few millennia of Strictly. She says that Kirsty was, as always, great at the characterisation, but she's not sure that was good enough to be in the final.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel finishes by saying that he thought that was the weakest of the routines this evening, but also that Kirsty should probably feel glad she got this routine, because it was all about personality and she can't dance. Or words to that effect. I don't think "under the bus" adequately covers how quickly this thing has driven over Kirsty this week. It's more "under the Space Shuttle". Angry Luke is then praised for being tall, like Tommy Tune, and still being able to dance. I love that Nigel looks at Angry Luke and sees <a href="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/16320177/Tommy+Tune+Tommy_Tune.gif">this.</a></div><div><br /></div><div>More solos now : first up, Katie Love, dancing to Mary J Blige's version of "Stairway To Heaven", which sounds a bit like someone trying to play Eye Of The Tiger by memory alone after having only heard 5 seconds of it. It's very much a typical Katie Love solo in that I don't really care, and neither does she by the looks of it. Everything's very loose and thrown away and unfinished and limp, and it's all a bit meh. Katie Love is asked by Cat if the show has been harder than she anticipated. After a lot of huffing and puffing and talk of new lives and dreams coming true, and her body doing things she never thought it would do before (*eyebrow*), she says yes. </div><div><br /></div><div>Final solo of the evening now (until Dance For Your Danger Bottom Zone Life), and Matt is tapping it out to Jason Mraz going "skibbity bibbity bop". [<span style="font-style: italic;">I really like this song, but I freely admit that the bit they use for his solo is probably the worst bit of it. - Steve</span>] It's very moderny tap ie it involves a lot of falling down and jumping about and being jazzy. It's quite enjoyable, whatever, Nigel's enjoying himself. He also has apparently choreographed in a move from the god-awful movie Happy Feet as part of it. Happily not the hour long chase scene bit, or the bit where Robin Williams breaks out his best James Brown impersonation and diverts the plot up his backside. He's asked what his favourite moment was, and he says it was working with Mandy Moore. Amen.</div><div><br /></div><div>Solos over, and Arlene is asked her opinion on the solos. Guess who she hates? It is Kirsty. Guess who she likes? It's both men what are masculine. She also gives props to Bethany-Rose for skimming across the floor. She deems Katie Love to be not a choreographer (ouch), and then says that AndrogyLee is weird and quirky and eccentric, and avoids talking about his dancing, as the show has done since the beginning. But hey, he's BIZARRE.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now it's time for the group routines. So, you know how this evening has basically been an escalation of homosexuality, building up from Dirty Dancing and the French Riviera, through Bonnie Tyler and Lady Gaga, cresting on 1920s musicals and Rock Hudson and Doris Day comedies? Well the boys routine is the coitus and the girls routine is the cigarette afterwards. Get ready kids, this is about to get SUPER-GAY.</div><div><br /></div><div>First up are the boys, and who better to choreograph this orgy of sexual tension than Katya Virshilas, the woman who got male-snogging on prime-time Strictly Come Dancing? [<i>♥ Katya - Steve</i>] She's thrown together a paso doble, with the help of Klaus. In training all three men talk about how much they want to be in the final, and how much they want to out-do and out-shine one another with their manly male masculinity. Katya affects to be terrified of all the testosterone flying around the room, although this is then nicely undercut with a shot of Luke falling on his bum and Matt gazing balefully up at him from nipple-height. MACHO!</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, where everyone's topless (well topless in trousers that come up to their nipples, and bathed in a bright orange glow. The Pirates Of The Caribbean Music strikes up, and BATTLE(/SEX) commences. Katya's actually choreographed this very well, as AndrogyLee takes a lot of the more sinuous creeping insinuating movements, Matt handles the impetuous, boyish, darting stuff, and Angry Luke, with the most muscular frame, handles the power and strength and drive. Also they all have their nips out and are grunting at one another. It's...quite a spectacle. There's memorial Strictly capework on show (which I think Luke wins, just via muscular structure, although Matt Flint gives it a good go) and then fire start shooting everywhere on the backdrop video screens, and it all goes backflip bonkers and yes, this routine is certainly FLAMING. </div><div><br /></div><div>Standing Os everywhere, and Sisco starts barking like a dog on heat. Oh very dear. Arlene is asked her opinion, and she crows about their delicious Spanish lines. She loved their passion, she loved their grit, she loved their grace. AndrogyLee was fearless, Matt was feisty, but Angry Luke was Arlene's PRINCE OF PASSION! At this point Arlene stands up, and she's shot only from the ribs upwards. Whether this is because she wearing nothing from the waist down at this point I cannot confirm.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel starts whiffling on about masculinity and strength and toughness and Billy Elliott and homophobic dads and yadda yadda yadda. I'm mostly taken up with the fact that, now MattFlint is no longer bathed in orange, how he still REALLY needs to have words with whoever did that horrific wax job on his chest last week, because the hair's growing back so sporadically it looks a bit...scrotumy. Cat asks us all to put our hands together for THE LADS. PHWOARRRRRRR!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are the girls who, as per Cat, should apparently be used to wearing a skirt. As if that wasn't gender-stereotypical enough, after the men's routine all about competition and tesosterone and violence and thrusting passion, we're now getting a routine about friendship and beauty to "The Rose" set in the snow. Bless. Maybe they can all braid one another daisy-chains in their hair as a finale. </div><div><br /></div><div>In rehearsal, we learn that the routine requires the girls to wear great big peasant dresses, which are apparently causing problems for Kirsty in particular, because she keeps treading on hers. Bored out of her skull, Mandy asks her why she auditioned for the show, and Kirsty replies that she really wanted to do the best dancing she could. Mandy Moore sighs in response that it'd be great if she could try and remember that during this routine. Worrabitch. Kirsty continues to struggle, and everyone tries their best to keep their laughter at her antics good-natured. Mandy Moore politics that all of the top three girls are quite...different from one another. Outside TV Centre, the three of them huddle together, and Katie Love explains to camera like they're like a garden - you have all these different flowers next to one another, like a tulip, and a rose and a...what's another one?</div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany-Rose says "dandelion", and Kirsty says "daffodil". Katie Love looks baffled and goes "DANDELION?! Yeah, ok, daffodil" and everyone laughs and I've never liked Katie Love more. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Me neither - that was hilarious. - Steve</span>] Anyway, these three flowers apparently will go together to make a beautiful and varied garden. For the purposes of this metaphor. Both Kirsty and Bethany-Rose coo that this makes a really good metaphor, although Bethany-Rose looks a bit put out that her dandelion suggestion didn't get picked, and Katie Love mugs all "yeah, yeah, that's it" like she knows how forced that metaphor she made is, but she doesn't care. I swear Katie Love and Bethany-Rose Lee just got more character development in those 10 seconds than they did in the entirety of the rest of the series.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, in the middle of a BLIZZARD of fake snow, dancing to Bette Midler. It's contemporary, and Mandy Moore, so yeah, it's a lot of rolling around in white whilst overwrought ovaries hum in the background, but at least they're keeping off the floor for most of it. I actually think it's a really well-choreographed number, but Bethany-Rose I'd say is the only one completely hitting it. Kirsty I think is just emotionally exhausted from having Arlene on her back all evening, and Katie Love seems to be placed really oddly compared to other two a lot of the time. It's nice for Bethany-Rose that she's scudded the other two so thoroughly in this performance show, because it's always nice when people go out on a high. The routine ends with them plonked on the floor, in the middle of the snow, growing LIKE THE FLOWERS THAT THEY ARE.</div><div><br /></div><div>It gets another standing Ovation, although we cut to Mandy giving an almighty "WTF?" face in the audience. Why, I cannot say. Nigel starts for the judges saying that was a really beautiful routine, danced by some really beautiful girls. At the start of the series he says he would have expected to see both Danielle and Scally in the final, because of Danielle's beauty and grace, and Scally's...personality (*cut to Scally in the audience trying to fit her entire fist in her mouth, later series Ralph Wiggumming it up til the bitter end*), but...well this is what we're left with, so so be it. Whoever the public pick, we'll have a truly beautiful finale next week. Kirsty showed that she COULD dance well technically, Katie Love was very beautiful and musical, and Bethany-Rose was just beyond. Arlene breaks in to say that Bethany-Rose has been truly phenomenal this evening. She never knew Bethany-Rose had it in her, but SHE DOES, JUST LIKE NIGEL TOLD ARLENE SHE DOES.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel closes by saying that normally the aim of the judges is to get rid of the rubbish dancers, but that's not the case tonight, because whoever leaves is AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND DID YOU HEAR THAT KIRSTY VOTERS PLEASE DON'T ANTI-JUDGE HER INTO THE FINAL WE DO LIKE HER HONEST.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise is asked if she enjoyed tonight, and she says that she did. She's going to have THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB EVER, MORE THAN BOMB DISPOSAL choosing who goes home tonight. She says it's really unpredictable what's going to happen next, as though a blind pug up a tree couldn't see that AndrogyLee is doomed, and Bethany-Rose Lee is relying on nobody noticing Arlene going Mean Girl on Kirsty again for the second week running. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco says something about wanting to have sex with all the boy dancers in the middle of that paso doble. So over him.</div><div><br /></div><div>Speaking of which, we're now getting a brief fillerific "let's visit each contestant's home town and prod yokels into saying they want them to win!". Bethany-Rose is, as usual, mostly supported by the animal kingdom of Devon and as they don't have opposable thumbs for dialling, she is mostly still screwed. People in Scarborough love Matt Flint, although I notice that none of them are foxtrotting yet. Not a single person in Worcester knows who Katie Love is, but some kid does drop a chicken. Luke is promised fish and chips in Melton Mowbray, and also some old woman trying to frot him. In the mythical kingdom of Banstead...people familiar with Kirsty exist, and finally, in Plymouth, two kids on a barge full of trash sail off screaming "WE LOVE YOU LEE B!".</div><div><br /></div><div>Even by this show's standards that was an almighty waste of time wasn't it?</div><div><br /></div><div>Lines are open, dances are recapped, and that is it. Join Steve up the page a little for the tragic dissolution of Team Raggy Dolls. *sniff*</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-82050647354788336352011-05-29T14:08:00.004+01:002011-05-29T18:00:55.883+01:00So You Think You Can Leave Matt Flint And Survive?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 8 Results: 28th May 2011</span><br /><br />Earlier tonight : the Top Eight FINALLY split from their initial partnerships, and all did one new paired routine, a solo, and a group number. Although we're going to more or less completely forget that the latter two of those three things happened. Also earlier this week, the new US series of So You Think You Can Dance started, and Jakob Karr was revealed as a choreographer, so my patience for this show by comparison dropped down yet another notch. FUN!<div><br /></div><div>SALMONELLACANDANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>We open on yet another group routine, with everyone dressed up in their best humbug black and white stripes/check and sat at a big table. To welcome Nigel back, the thing begins with a good 20 seconds or so of armography. TAKE THAT NIGEL, IT'S NEVER GOING AWAY. The song they're dancing to is "Rolling In The Deep", because I officially went the last 5 minutes without hearing Adele somewhere, and that situation needed to be urgently rectified. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Also, because Adele needs more money to complain about paying tax on later. - Steve</span>] I swear, all you people going OH MY GOD AMY WAS A SPACE YOGHURT ALL ALONG! are going to be so disappointed next week when it turns out she's going to give birth to Adele. River Song's secret identity? Also Adele. The little girl in the space-suit? Adele. Then at the end, the Doctor regenerates into Adele. And Adele sings the theme tune. So heartbreaking.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, I'd heard the theme for this routine was a "freaks dinner party" but...name a group routine this series that hasn't been about freaks to some degree. Not including the slags vs gangstas group routines from the main show this week obviously. And the "freak styling" here seems to stretch to giving Scally Bet Lynche's wig, so it doesn't really stand out as being particularly freakish. Anyway, MattFlintMania and Katie Love exist a lot, and everyone else shuffles their lunch-tables around in the background. At the end, Angry Luke gets MAJOR Matrix-time air off his table, and it's my favourite thing of the whole series I think except when everyone threw Rithy up in the air with blood all over her mouth.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat comes out and thanks someone called Katrin Hall for choreographing. In the audience, Katrin Hall claps herself. That business out the way, Cat reminds us that one boy and one girl will be expelled from the competition later, and speaking of expulsion of human waste, the Black Eyed Peas will also be performing. Yay. Which 80s classic will they have violated next? I hope it's "What A Feeling". The judges are then re-introduced. I feel happy that Nigel's back. I think if Arlene had had to try to be the voice of professionalism one more week her vagina would have exploded.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat jokes that Nigel might have begged off last week's show on the excuse that he was really busy in LA and couldn't find the time NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED. Well Cat has found out that was a lie (*face of shock*). He was instead getting goosed by Lady Gaga. Him and the rest of America. Sisco is asked to use the following words and phrases in a sentence ; "pressure", "dancing for your life", "there's only X places left", "tense". He just about manages it. I still say that should be Arlene's job again next week. All the random pauses and squints and flaps she inserts into what is essentially the same sentence is what keeps it fresh.</div><div><br /></div><div>First up on Elimination Row are the girls, and we're reminded what they wrought earlier. Charlotte remained sucked in her weird time-warp where she has to perform at least one routine dressed like she's Dervla Kirwan's slightly backwards friend in Goodnight Sweetheart every week. She overacted insanely, and everyone dropped her like a plate of cold sick. Backstage she hopes that everyone still believes in her, and that she wasn't just leeching off MattFlintMania's fanbase all this time. Oops. Katie Love did Drag-Queen Roxie Hart and then got called a star. Backstage she Gloria Swanson's about how it's all she's wanted ever since she was a little girl was for someone to call her a star. Bless. Tell it to a therapist.</div><div><br /></div><div>Kirsty was MattFlintMania's Librarian Girl and Nigel made a whole bunch of gross noises and started touching himself and humping the desk and howling and Kirsty thanked the Lord for the first time that she was born a bit deaf, because frankly the visual was bad enough. Backstage she hoots that it was amazing, and Arlene agrees. Bethany-Rose returned to the scene of her hip-hop crimes, except this time without even a skateboard to blame for the fact she was slopping around everywhere like Widdy after a few pints of the Black Stuff. Backstage she worries, and Sisco worries also. I am mostly non-plussed because after nigh on two months of Bethany-Rose Lee all I know is that she's a stripper who was raised by alpacas.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage now, and Cat runs through a quick summary with all the girls of what we just saw, but with added reminders about the solos and group routines (Bethany-Rose was great in the group routine. Katie Love was not great in the Group Routine. Fat Deaf Old Foot Phobic Face Planting Kirsty's solo was the worst thing I've ever seen.). Not that they mattered. What do you remember about the girls group routine? You are not allowed to use the phrase "not as good as the boys one". Anywho, Bethany-Rose and Scally are the ones who are the bottom two. Both of them do their best "I was expecting this to happen" faces, and Katie Love and FDOFPFP Kirsty do their their best "I am not going to be triumphant about this I am not" faces, Kirsty gives Scally a big old hug (who would not love a hug from Fat Deaf Old Kirsty? I bet they're amazing), and everyone departs.</div><div><br /></div><div>Boys reminder now : If Katie Love was Renee Zellweger, Israel was playing the role of Taye Diggs' baby brother somewhere towards the back. Arlene slagged him off as lazy, and Israel's dad booed heartily. Israel's mum kept her gob shut, lest everyone call her a disgusting Jeremy Kyle chav again, like that one time Cat asked her a question and she dared to answer it. Backstage Israel says that he had fun out there and a really good time and thank you for having him and can he please have his party bag Mrs Phillips? AndrogyLee tried to keep his head as Scally went Blanche DuBois mental around him, and then Arlene told him the "B stands for Better And Better". I thought it stood for "Butch". I thought we'd established this every week for the past season or so? [<span style="font-style: italic;">I thought it stood for BYOB. - Steve</span>] Backstage AndrogyLee gushes "Good Old Arlene!" and seems to be enjoying it as only someone who made it this far despite being ear-marked as fodder can.</div><div><br /></div><div>Matt got a really bad wax job that left him looking a bit like a plucked 12 year old with the head of Matthew Perry on painkillers. SAY NO TO WAXING PEOPLE, IT IS WRONG. Oh and he done a rumba with Kirsty in her knickers. Backstage he says he really enjoyed it, whilst awkwardly fiddling with his shirt because he knows that WAXING IS WRONG. Angry Luke threw down whilst Bethany-Rose threw up, and Sisco told him he couldn't praise him any more and then...did. Arlene called him an Olympic. Nobody knew why. Backstage he says that he really, really wants to advance further, and Sisco says "lived/living/livage" Again. One of them. Or more. I've immunised myself against them, you'll have to check for yourself.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and the boys who are in the bottom are Israel (looks miserable, but then recovers) and AndrogyLee (looks gutted). Angry Luke pats AndrogyLee on the shoulder for luck, and then he and Matt wander off whispering sweet nothings into one another's neck that I can't hear no matter how high I turn my sound up. I bet it was filthy whatever it was. </div><div><br /></div><div>Solos time now. Bethany-Rose Lee goes first, to "Layla" (the rocky version) and it's a more subdued solo than usual from Bethany-Rose, in that you can only see the very top of her cleavage. There's lot of jumping around and twirling and sexy arms movements, but mostly I'm distracted by the fact that someone's been at her leotard with a whole set of Waitrose cookie-cutters. Or some very neat and artistic moths got into wardrobe. Israel follows, and he's stuck wearing those low-crotch trousers that probably seemed like a good idea at the beginning, but once you've freaked out the squares with your ability to somehow still be able to dance whilst wearing them one, there's nowhere really else left to go. He dances indifferent hip-hop, fairly indifferently.</div><div><br /></div><div>Scally follows, to "Listen" by Beyonce, and more specifically the bit where Beyonce tries to give it some mental for the one time in the entire film she's required to act anything other than "blandly superior". Scally of course has done "mental levels of over-wrought emotion" for her last two paired routines in a row, so it's a bit done at this point. She throws herself the stage, pulls at her hair, gurns crazy faces and spins around on her tip-toes, and throws herself to the floor like a Bedlamite. [<span style="font-style: italic;">And making herself so disorientated in the process that Cat practically has to lead her offstage in the right direction so Lee can do his solo. - Steve</span>] Finally there's AndrogyLee in his "Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison" The Doors stripper vest, too tight leopardprint pants, whipping his hair back and forth and jamming his crotch in Nigel's face as Robert Plant squeals about how he's going to give you every inch of his love. It's an image I'll be taking from this series with me for the rest of my life I can tell you. AndrogyLee's solos have been everything I dreamt of and more. So 70s, so glam.</div><div><br /></div><div>For the next 10 minutes the show turns into The X Factor. William, Sarah Ferguson Duchess Of York, amp-i-app and Taboo all take to the stage after an insanely overwrought intro ("30 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE! 6 GRAMMYS! ZERO SENSE OF MUSICALITY AND DIGNITY!") and there's lasers and vocorders and dancers and robots and the death of music and a stretch where the Duchess Of York looks a LOT like Kirstie Alley and old style decks being used to produce a noise like a wasp farting and a chorus that basically goes "STOP IT STOP IT!" making it really really easy for me to sing along. Come back Jessie J - all is forgiven. At least you didn't give off an air of "oh boy am I SLUMMING it tonight or WHAT?" the whole way through. At least you tried to do good. In this, you could never be a Black Eyed Pea.</div><div><br /></div><div>DIRTY BIT.</div><div><br /></div><div>(I still quite like "I Got A Feeling" though) [<span style="font-style: italic;">DRANK! - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Cat thanks the Black Eyed Peas, through time, back to when they filmed that bit three years ago. But forget all that fun, it's now Decision Time in the Danger Dance For Your Bottom Zone. Girls first, and Bethany-Rose steps forward. Nigel decides to start by REALLY not caring any more, and saying that Bethany-Rose Lee is obviously not connecting with the audience, specifically women, because she's too beautiful and too sexy. For a start Nigel, she made it past half the female cast without ever being the bottom - it's not as thought she's Rithy (sadly). Secondly, I love that he's saying this when she's stood next to Scally who has never been sexy ONCE, because it'd presumably spoil the show's presentation of her as a 7 year old, and whilst Kirsty (who spent the entirety of the first episode in her pants, twitching her bum around to Candyman and having MattFlintMania paw at her bosom whilst Nigel beat himself round the head with a shoe and made wolf-whistles) and Katie Love (who made a joke about how she's shagged every man on the show) remain safe. Yes Nigel, that's why she's here. WIMMINZ IS JUSS JELUS OF HER WEW LUSH BOOBZ. </div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany-Rose is stepped back, and Scally is stepped forward, and told that there was a split decision 2-2 on her and Bethany-Rose, so the decision is up to him. Last time it was up to the tea lady Nigel. I swear, if anyone cared about this show there'd be a million conspiracy theories about why this changed this week, but nobody does, not really, so there aren't. Anyway, unfortunately for Scally, Nigel has decided she's going home, because whilst they love her personality she really needs to show more technique. Hey, remember last week when the line was that Charlotte was the only girl in the competition who was always technically flawless? THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Eh, Nigel wasn't here then, and I can't imagine he bothered to catch up on his missed homework. - Steve</span>] Anywho, Bethany-Rose and Scally have a hug, Scally says "well done babe" five times in a row, and Bethany-Rose wanders off in a daze right into a bone-crushing hug from Angry Luke. I guess they bonded quickly. We see Scally's best bits. Thankfully they consist mostly of brief clips of her dancing interspersed with her being calm and articulate and thanking everyone for being so nice, rather than say, her screaming "WHAT AM DONKEY?" and running headlong into plate-glass windows.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back in the studio, Cat asks her what she enjoyed. She says everything. Cat asks her what she'll remember. She says everything. She then thanks the judges for the opportunity, and MattFlintMania for being an amazing partner. Matt looks on nobly and solemnly from the audience. Kirsty cries her eyes out at his side.</div><div><br /></div><div>Boys Judgment Day falls next, and Israel is asked to step forward. Nigel tells him that all the panel agree that he's had the most growth of all the contestants this series, and they all really admire how far he's come, and his commitment to excelling in all genres of dance, no matter how far outside of his comfort zone they are. That said, piss off, you're eliminated, and it's unanimous. BYEEE! Israel looks sad for a picosecond, then smiles and makes a little prayer gesture. AndrogyLee walks off to the side, where he immediately gets grabbed by Kirsty, lowing "WELL DONE BAY-BEEE!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Team Raggy Dolls 4 Life!</div><div><br /></div><div>Israel's Best Bits (ie, his mum) follows. Cat asks him to sum up his feelings, and he says that he really feels like he's grown as a performer as well as a dancer. This isn't the end! This is only the beginning! You have not heard the last of Israel Donowa! Israel, I know you might have been confused by the Black Eyes Peas bit, but this really isn't X Factor. Cat asks him what he'll remember. He also says "everything". He doesn't remember Bethany-Rose specifically though. Ah well. I thought they got on.</div><div><br /></div><div>To end, Matt and Katie Love hoist up Scally on their shoulders, Angry Luke and AndrogyLee hoist up Israel, Kirsty pokes at Scally's bum like she thinks she can find a way to help, but instead just settles with dishing out another hug, this time to Bethany-Rose. Let the music play!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next week, this is your Top Six :</div><div><br /></div><div>AndrogyLee</div><div>Angry Luke</div><div>MattFlintMania</div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany Rose-Lee</div><div>Fat Deaf Old Foot Phobic Face Planting Darlene Loving Awesome Hugging Kirsty</div><div>Katie Love</div><div><br /></div><div>All told, it could have been MUCH worse. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Speaking of how much worse things could be, next week I have to recap Mr Schuester from Glee performing his new single. THANKS. - Steve</span>]<br /></div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-9955525183421483942011-05-29T12:21:00.005+01:002011-05-29T18:00:46.118+01:00Couples retreat<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 8: 28th May 2011</span><br /><br />Previously: the promised uncoupling of the pairs didn't materialise, Nigel's interest in the show waned, leading to guest judge BARROWMAN who turned out to not have a single shred of the charm he showed on <a href="http://idbitchanything.blogspot.com/"><i>I'd Do Anything</i></a>, and poor Tapper Tom was finally put out of his misery, along with Katrina Ballerina.<br /><br />Tonight, it's the quarter-finals, which doesn't really mean anything apart from "the final's on in two weeks so we're trying to build momentum, even though we're now on at 3.35pm and only watched by a small group of die-hard fans and Sisco's mum" <i>[I think if Sisco's mum paid any attention to his life then he might not be quite so...Sisco, so I doubt it - Chris]</i>. The good news is that the partners have <i>finally</i> changed, so we're going to see some different dynamics amongst the pairings that have never troubled the bottom two (so, MattScallyMania and Team Raggy Dolls, in other words) and we'll get to vote for our favourite individual dancers, which could be interesting. The stakes are moderately high, the tension is vaguely perceptible, so who will be the favourite dancer of 4.3% of Britain?<br /><br />SUSANSARANDONDANCE!<br /><br />We welcome the Top 8 to the stage, as individuals this time rather than pairs, and the order for anyone who's interested is as follows: Bethany Rose, Luke, Fat Deaf Old Foot=Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty, Matt, Katie Love, Israel, Charlotte and AndrogyLee. Those are the girls, here are some boys, let's get this mother on the road, eh Cat?<br /><br />Speak of the devil, Cat enters and has a little shimmy-off with Matt, who somehow even manages to leave the stage obnoxiously. That's quite a talent. She explains how the dancers will be challenged this week: by dancing with someone they've NEVER DANCED WITH BEFORE, doing a solo as well as the usual pair dance, and because the public will be voting for individuals rather than pairs, so we finally get to see how popular Charlotte really is when she's not shackled to Matt The Obvious Winner every week. Cat adds that everyone now has an individual voting number, and proceeds to read them all out even though the lines aren't scheduled to open for another 45 minutes. Are we supposed to start programming them into our handsets or something? Also, Cat's a little weird tonight, she keeps missing words out of her sentences and tripping over her tongue. I wonder if she's ill? She is looking a bit peaky. <i>[She's so bored - Chris]</i><br /><br />Oh, and we also have judges, and thankfully Nigel is back and BARROWMAN has been given his marching (like a man, not like a sissy BRUCE) orders. Sisco is dressed like a matador again, Louise's eye make-up is still unenviable, and Arlene is wearing a necklace of popcorn dunked in metallic paint. Cat asks Nigel what he makes of the Top 8, and he says that they're pretty much the people he expected, though he's sad Katrina's not around. Katrina, incidentally, is in the audience, sitting alongside Cabbage Alice and someone who may well be Stephanie. There's no sign of Tom that I can see, but in fairness he's still probably off tapping away somewhere where nobody's going to compare him unfavourably to Katrina/Matt Flint/chalk dust, and loving every minute. Sisco blathers on about nothing very much that Cat hasn't already told us. Cat reminds us that two couples will be in the bottom two and one boy and one girl will be going home. Shall we get on with some dancing now?<br /><br />Katie and Israel are our first reconstituted pairing of the evening, and Cat says that in an attempt to shore his support, Israel's been talking to the Big Guy - "not Nigel, bigger." Simon Fuller? Danny Cohen? I dunno, but if the answer to this is supposed to be "God", then frankly I think in terms of getting the message of support across, I think God comes a distant second behind Israel's Mum. They've drawn Broadway this week, and Israel recalls last week's show, where he thinks he gave one of his best performances, and was thus surprised to see the public had let him fall into The Danger Zone Or Whatever We're Calling It This Week. Katie, on the other hand, thinks last week went well, but "just as I was hitting a high point with Luke" (after one whole week together - I think Katie Love might be the intense sort who turns up on your doorstep with her cat and her Ikea houseplants after the second date) she's had to switch partners. Again. Israel's pleased to have Katie, and Katie's pleased to have Israel, adding "I'm working my way around the group, aren't I?" Oh Katie Love. You don't want to start spreading rumours like that, especially with a surname like yours that positively encourages childish nicknames. Like Katie FreeLove. Tee hee hee. As promised, Israel heads off to his local church in St Mary's Platt, to meet his supporters. There are indeed a lot of them, but frankly Israel's Mum is the only person we're even remotely interested in. The rest is just window dressing. Israel does some dancing and thanks everyone. They've got Tasty Oreo as their choreographer this week, who appears to be breaking the habit of a lifetime and actually devising an original piece for this show, to 'Roxie' from <i>Chicago</i>. <i>[Original in the sense that he lifted a bunch of Fosse bits and threw them in a hat - Chris] </i>Katie thanks everyone for keeping her in this far. Israel thinks he would've struggled with a routine like this at the start, but he's growing as a dancer and can totally do this. They're assigned a homework task to watch some old-Hollywood musicals and get into the spirit of <i>Chicago</i> (the inner world, obviously, since the film itself was only released nine years ago). Aside from the obligatory "Israel fake-yawns so he can put his arm around Katie Love" trope, this particular narrative track leads us nowhere and appears to have been inserted just to take up another 15 seconds or so of VT time. <i>[Welcome to every VT on this show. Remember when Katie made Lee C breakfast/Salsa Man/when Angry Luke told Danielle her face smelled? - Chris]</i><br /><br />Sidebar: I went to see <i>Chicago</i> in London when Ashlee Simpson was playing Roxie, and she was really good. No, seriously: legitimately good. Also, she totally played up the "my nose" lyric in this song since it was not long after she'd been in the papers for having lots of surgery, and I admired her for that. The choreography in this section isn't really blowing me away: I guess because Fosse's style in this show is so distinctive, and really Tasty Oreo's efforts here fall a bit flat in comparison. I know you can't just rip off someone else's work, but when a show is so irrevocably connected with a particular style of dance, it seems odd not to at least acknowledge it in the routine. Katie and Israel are doing an okay job of it - he's pretty good, and selling a role that clearly isn't the showcase, while she's vamping away heartily in the lead role and occasionally chomping at the scenery. It goes a little bit off for Israel towards the end, as he's just sort of throwing his arms around with no real purpose, and I think he's never going to be 100% comfortable in Broadway, but it's still a decent effort from him.<br /><br />Cat giggles that Israel sashayed over to the judges, and Nigel disagrees with me by saying that he liked the choreography and Tasty's recreation of the Fosse style. Eh, you win some, you lose some. He's very proud of Israel's growth (FNAR) across the season, but he needs to relax his shoulders a little bit. Katie, on the other hand, is every inch a star, and this style suits her brilliantly. Cat admires Katie's fans with the pink hair. Arlene says that this style demands accuracy, technique, timing and a little finger that can do the talking. Presumably like <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/2011/05/bullring-of-fired.html">Leon's</a>. Katie, it seems, was talking tonight, while Israel's timing was lazy. Arlene then shoots forth with another of those strange analogies that make sense only to her: "I think you need to play Monopoly and you need a get out of jail free card." I love Arlene. I'm going to miss her when this show gets cancelled. Nigel thinks she's being tough, and Arlene responds that it's the quarter finals, and Israel was out of time. Sisco chimes in that this is absolute nonsense, prompting Cat to zing "I'm getting nonsense from Sisco", like that isn't true every fucking week. Sisco thinks Israel looked like a jazz dancer, and his accuracy and extensions were great. He thinks Israel is what the competition is all about. He thinks Katie is always consistent despite having been held back by her partners, and she's a star. Louise thinks this was a perfect routine for Katie, and it really suited her. She then proceeds to call Israel "Sisco" (ZOMG RACISM, although I like the idea of Louise critiquing Sisco, just in general) and telling him that this is not his sweet spot dance-wise, but he's really had to work to get this far. He wasn't perfect, but she enjoyed it and thought he looked like a jazz dancer.<br /><br />Katie and Israel scamper off as Bethany Rose scoots onto the stage behind them, which means it's time for the first of tonight's solos, which Cat explains have been choreographed by the contestants themselves. Remember that, it'll be important later. For once, Bethany has come appropriately-bedecked for the occasion in a flowing ocean-blue dress that really enhances her movement and entirely conceals her ladyparts <i>[for once - Chris]</i>. Her solo is to the loud bit of 'Fix You' by Coldplay, and is actually pretty good - it's very dynamic to watch and features deft, flowing movements. She take slightly longer than her allotted 30 seconds, but at least the crowd don't do that obnoxious yelling countdown. Cat asks her if she's feeling the pressure of doing the night's solo, and she says that she is, although it's nice to be able to enjoy it rather than doing it under the pressure of the near-elimination scenario.<br /><br />And if anyone's wondering what happened to the strippertastic outfits Bethany Rose often wears, here's your answer: Luke is wearing a pair of slashed black trousers (and nothing else) <i>[maybe some knickers - Chris] </i>for his solo, to Muse's 'Supermassive Black Hole', <i>[I'd do a solo to Angry Luke's Supermassive etc etc - Chris] </i>which is a bit flaily and messy for my personal taste, although the writhing is always fun. I just don't think, choreography-wise, it's that great an indicator of what he's capable of. Cat calls him "fancypants" (I sincerely hope those trousers really aren't anyone's idea of the word "fancy", except for maybe that one in the country song about the prostitute), and Luke says that while challenging yourself is good, it's nice to be able to dance in your own style. Apropos of nothing, Cat says that Luke makes her feel like a girl (NOT IN THAT WAY), <i>[I'd let Angry Luke make me feel like etc etc - Chris] </i>because he's one of the few men in the world who's taller than she is.<br /><br />Time for our second new team, that of Scally and AndrogyLee. Scally got a rave review from BARROWMAN for her contemporary piece, while Lee hit a stumbling block because BARROWMAN didn't think his and Kirsty's version of <i>Hair</i> was appropriately polyamorous. Lee says, however, that knowing that his family were at home supporting him made all the difference, and we are treated to a hilarious reconstruction of this moment, with last week's show crudely superimposed on Lee's living room while his mum (making a late attempt to yoink the Mum Of The Series crown out of Israel's Mum's hands) tuts and rolls her eyes. I swear someone yells "get off!", and if they do, they are my new favourite person. We see Lee calling his family after he gets through, and them cheering loudly as families do. He pulls Charlotte out of the box, as it were, and she's excited to be partnered with him, as she thinks they get along well and there could be a great connection between the two of them. They draw contemporary out of the box and cheer, and then there's an odd bit where Charlotte does an "impression" of Lee that makes little sense, and Lee murmurs that he'll need to get tanning if he doesn't want to look like Caspar the Friendly Ghost next to Scally. Choreographer Mandy Moore explains that their routine is about the last moments before a man is summoned to war, and Charlotte declares that the routine makes her "go tingly". Mandy Moore notes drily that she's asking Charlotte to do something more mature this week (frankly, "getting dressed without assistance" is probably something more mature than Charlotte's used to) and hopes that she can can it with the damn giggling. I may have been paraphrasing slightly. Montage of Charlotte giggling, and Lee explaining patiently that laughter is a Sometime Trait. Charlotte says that she's struggling not to laugh, but she is working hard to get into characters because they want to make the semi-finals.<br /><br />The entirely too on-the-nose routine is to 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers, and Scally's dressed like an extra from <i>Goodnight Sweetheart</i> while Lee is, as previously mentioned, a man what is going off to war. <i>[Well if we don't ask, they'll never tell - Chris]</i> Charlotte's attempts at intense angst are unsuccessful: she looks like she's got a fishhook dangling off her lower lip. Lee's doing a pretty good job of intensity and showing the burden on his shoulders (and I don't just mean Scally), although the pair lack the chemistry that he used to have with FDOFPFP Kirsty. Again, it all goes wrong for Scally about halfway through and she just seems to be chucking her limbs around with no great sense of where or why, and then they lose time with each other. There's a nice tabletop lift where Charlotte manages to position her balance very well in order to look practically weightless, but then it descends again into awkwardness and a final fishhook face to end on.<br /><br />Louise thought Lee was amazing with the storytelling, and that he's danced his way through a lot of very diverse characters, <i>[Week 1 - you are butch and in love with Kirsty, Week 2 - You are butch and in love with Kirsty, Week 3 - You are in love with Kirsty, Week 4 - you are butch - Chris]</i> but advises him to ensure he finishes all his movements properly. She's less keen on Charlotte, though, and thinks this partnership has exposed her a bit. Arlene thinks the B in Lee B stands for "better and better", and she was so moved by him in the routine - she disagrees with Louise and thinks that not finishing the moves actually worked in this piece to create a sense of abandonment. She didn't like Charlotte's faces and felt she was overdancing it, and she didn't get the depth of the potential loss of a husband <i>[*snort* - Chris]</i> out of the routine either. Nigel didn't love the routine, because he didn't believe in it. He thought that they both danced parts of it well, but he doesn't get how Lee can be a soldier with drainpipe trousers and no shoes. Because obviously, the costuming was something Lee had full creative control over. Also, it's CONTEMPORARY DANCE, Nigel, of course he didn't have any bloody shoes on. Be grateful he wasn't just attired in a billowing white sheet. He also thinks that when Charlotte isn't showing her big personality, her flaws come across - she needs to point her toes when she leaves the floor, and she has to straighten her legs in the jumps. Lee's technique was terrific, but Nigel didn't believe in it. Louise thinks Lee could be a trendy soldier. Sisco is not invited to comment. Hooray! Also: anyone even remotely surprised that the Charlotte Scally lovefest came to an abrupt halt the second she was uncoupled from MattFlintMania? No, me neither.<br /><br />Time for more solos, starting with Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty, and...oh dear. Remember what Cat said at the beginning about the contestants choreographing the solos themselves? Well, this routine makes it very clear that Kirsty is not not much of a choreographer. And that's putting it politely. It's to 'Candyman' by Christina Aguilera, and it's basically a fairly poor pirouette followed by a lot of twitching. It's the sort of thing that most of us could've choreographed on the dancefloor at the local discotheque if we had a few vodkas inside us and enough room to execute it. It's only through sheer force of Kirsty's goofy personality that the routine makes it through the full 30 seconds at all, but it's safe to say her big weakness has now been exposed, and she's very fortunate that she's never been forced to dance for her life, because that shit would've seen her go home without so much as a by-your-leave. <i>[Because it really matters how they dance in the Dance For Your Bottom Zone - Chris]</i> Because anything is preferable to talking about that hot mess, Cat tells Kirsty she's looking great, and Not-So-Fat Deaf Old Kirsty tells Cat that she's lost one and a half stone over the course of the competition.<br /><br />Matt's next, wearing that godawful half-denim half-plaid shirt that he's forced to wear every week, delivering a pretty impressive tap routine to Stevie Wonder's 'I Wish'. Cat tries to pretend this is a rare opportunity to see Matt in his area of expertise, like the show hasn't tried to shoehorn it in at every available opportunity. Matt explains that he chose the music because it's from his favourite film, <i>Happy Feet</i> (REALLY?!?!?!?!), and "that little penguin inspires [him]". Okay, that's quite enough pandering there, thank you Matt. I had hoped that being separated from Scally might have made him more tolerable, but apparently not. <i>[He's a dancer! It's a film about dancing and being yourself and that! I bet if you asked EVERY SINGLE GIRL it'd be Dirty Dancing, which is barely less infantile. LEAVE MATTFLINTMANIA ALOOOOOOOOONE! - Chris]</i><br /><br />Bethany Rose and Angry Luke are next, and their VT follows the same format as everyone else's, with Luke reminding us that last week was good for him, while Bethany points out that last week was not good for her. We see her getting a hug from BARROWMAN after she's saved, and GO AWAY BARROWMAN, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU WERE HERE LAST WEEK WITHOUT YOU LIVING ON IN FLASHBACK FORM. Bethany says that she's thrilled to be paired with Luke, because she loves him to death and "would marry him like that" *snaps fingers* (the "if he weren't, y'know" left unspoken). <i>[Someone needs to explain to Bethany-Rose that's not how marriage works - Chris] </i>They draw hip hop, and Bethany Rose's entire universe collapses. Choroegrapher Simeon Qysea explains that the routine is about a broken down relationship, which is familiar territory for both of them in this show. Bethany is struggling with the routine and can't quite get all the moves, while Luke worries about having to rely on this routine to get them through the quarter-finals because it is very hard.<br /><br />The routine is to 'Let You Go' by Chase and Status, and opens with Luke reading a letter and having SO MANY FEELINGS about it while Bethany Rose packs a bag in the background. The whole concept of the routine (that she wants to leave but he PHYSICALLY RESTRAINS HER) is kind of terrifying to start with <i>[DOMESTIC ABOOOOOOOOOS - Chris]</i>, and they're both playing it very angrily. Bethany Rose's issues with hip hop are on show here, as once the routine moves into the part where she and Luke need to be synchronised in their solo movements, she's completely behind and struggling to keep up, making the whole thing look very sloppy. She does claw it back eventually, but it's a struggle, and despite her best efforts Luke's just completely outdancing here.<br /><br />Cat implores Bethany to give Luke his bag back, adding "don't make him get angry, because he will", which is totally a shout-out to this blog, right? Right? Oh, never mind. Sisco thinks Luke is phenomenal, and a great example of what a professional dancer is, because while it wasn't flawless, he was performing with conviction, and made it look like this was a genre that suited him. Deciding to entirely buy into the narrative of the VT, Sisco bitches out Bethany Rose for complaining and says that if she'd spent less time whinging in rehearsals she'd have got a better grasp on the routine. Whatever, Sisco: it's not even like she was complaining that much, just acknowledging that hip hop is not her strong suit and that she was struggling with it. He thinks she should've taken "that" energy, presumably the energy gained from nervousness about an unfamiliar genre, and used it in the routine instead of "doing complaints". Remember earlier how I said I was going to miss Arlene when this show gets cancelled? Well, apply the exact opposite of that to Sisco. Louise loved the energy and the storytelling, and thought that Luke was spot-on, but Bethany struggled to keep up with him, and mistakes this for being a height issue. Arlene to Luke: "why use ten words when you can use one: OLYMPIC!" I guess she finally got those notes from the <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i> producers, a few years too late. <i>[And yet not the one about the words having to make sense - Chris] </i>Bethany Rose, sadly, was all over the place like popcorn in a microwave. And Arlene admitted to me that she's a terrible cook when I interviewed her a few months ago, <i>[NAME DROPPER - Melody Hossaini]</i> so I suspect she is familiar with microwave popcorn disasters.<br /><br />Katie Love steps up for her solo to 'Seduces Me' by Celine Dion, dressed as Harley Quinn from <i>Batman</i>, and pleases Brian Friedman fans with her literal choreography (dropping to the floor in time with the line "I'll go down with a smile on my face" <i>[F'NAR! - Chris]</i>, later dropping to her knees on the line "I'll go down on my knees" <i>[F'NAR! -Chris]</i>). It's pleasingly wiry and spindly, hampered very slightly by the fact that she slips over on her end pose and pulls a giant WHOOPS face as she gets up. <i>[Oh it was more than one, not that she was hamming for all she was worth or anything - Chris] </i>She heads over to Cat and informs us that she TOTALLY PLANNED the bit where it looked like she slipped. Heh. Someone in the audience screams "I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE!", and I think it's too late to make catchphrases happen, and it's about six years too late for THAT catchphrase to happen.<br /><br />Solo Israel next, dancing to 'Move (If You Wanna)' <i>[I don't - Chris]</i> by Mims, and danced almost entirely by his crotch in isolation. I mean, it's no Drew and his cock-phone, but I think it's the closest we're going to get this series. <i>[More's the pity - Chris] </i>Cat gets Israel to turn around, and informs us that they've taken the coolest guy on the show (not that much of an accolade when your competition is AndrogyLee, Matt Flint and Luke and all his FEELINGS) and covered his back pocket in sequins.<br /><br />Cat introduces our final brand new couple "like David Cameron and Barack Obama" - MattFlintMania and Not So Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty, whose acronym is going to go off the end of a line if this carries on. Also, if they really are like Cameron and Obama, then I'm going to assume that before Kirsty was selected for the show, Matt went public with his support for her chief rival, and now is pretending he never did any such thing. NSFDOFPFPNC <i>[Gesundheir - Chris] </i>Kirsty says that she enjoyed last week, while Matt grouses that last week he got negative feedback for the first time in the competition. Excuse me while I hire the world's tiniest string section to play something suitably mournful here. The fact that the negative criticism he got was from BARROWMAN wittering on about how he wanted an Italian spicy meat feast just makes the whole thing more ridiculous. Matt taps for Kirsty when he draws her out of Cat's box. Kirsty: "Matt's an absolutely stunning dancer, how can I complain? Well, that's what everyone keeps telling me, HAHAHAHAHA!" It's funny how manic cackling is so much more endearing when Kirsty does it than when Charlotte does. They draw rumba for this week's dance, and bust out some "sexy" "moves" to celebrate. They have Chris and Jaci as their choreographers, and talk for about six years about how steamy the rumba is. Matt admits that his biggest challenge has been mastering the "rumba walk", and when asked by Chris to strut like he's on the catwalks of Milan, ends up lumbering forward like he's on a 10-mile hike with a backpack full of sand. I'm surprised they don't bring Barrowman back for this, actually - perhaps he's only useful for teaching people how to walk in a more masculine fash--no, I'm sorry, I can't finish that sentence without laughing. Matt "learns" to strut like he loves himself, which I'm sure can't have taken <i>that</i> long, while Kirsty basically has trouble starting the routine on the right foot. Literally. Jaci points out that they've had to be very hard on Kirsty because it's always the woman who gets the attention in a rumba, unless of course you're a male celebrity on <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i> and you've got Len Goodman in the corner wittering on about how THIS DANCE IS HARD FOR MALES. Eventually Kirsty seems to get it, and Matt winds things up by saying that he hopes their rumba makes Arlene so moist that she becomes overcome with lust for Nigel. Again, I paraphrase, but probably not quite as much as you're hoping.<br /><br />Arlene, bless her heart, decides not to bother waiting for the rumba and plants one on Nigel anyway. ARLENE ♥. Cat expresses disappointment that it was only "on the cheek" and asks for another one later, "Kate and Wills-style". Ew. Anyway, dancing anyone? Their rumba is to 'Librarian Girl' by Michael Jackson (I don't care what you tell me, as far as my eight-year-old self is concerned, THAT IS THE PROPER TITLE) <i>[It makes more sense than the idea that Kirsty dressed up as Princess Jasmine = "Liberian" - Chris] </i>and they actually work very nicely together. Kirsty has lovely rumba arms, and she and Matt seem properly in sync with each other in a way the other couples this evening haven't managed. Also, it probably doesn't hurt that they're both giant hams, because it means they're not remotely concerned about getting properly up in each other's faces for the steamy parts of the routine, and that makes it all the more coherent as a dance of sexual intent. It ends with Matt running his hand down the length of Kirsty's body and Kirsty writhing in pleasure. And no, the watershed is not for another two hours and 35 minutes. FILTH.<br /><br />Cat, clearly sharing my mind, suggests that it's "a funny outfit for a librarian" and asks Nigel for his feedback. Nigel thought it was very sensual and all about the hips, and then claims that Kirsty was NEVER FAT, even though they <i>[/Arlene, just Arlene - Chris]</i> pretty much said as much during her audition, adding that she's "totally reshaped [her] body" and it's shown off very well in that outfit. Turning to Matt, Nigel says that's the first time he's seen him dance outside of his style ("it's normally Broadway or tap or jazz or something", which, if I can borrow a comment from Chris, is still more recognisable as a genre than "commercial" is) and he's a wonderful partner with terrific shaping. Arlene loves the rumba, and wastes no time in telling Kirsty it was a good job she got this, because she redeemed herself from "that appalling solo", though she would've liked her to hug and caress the floor a bit more. Sisco needs feeding at this point and smarms that if there'd been any more caressing, it would've basically been porn, and while he's not wrong on that score, Arlene is also right to point out that she meant THE FLOOR and not Matt, and Sisco shushes her with <i>Peanuts</i>-teacher noises. Arlene: "You know what? I'm going to call you TESCO: cheap!" That doesn't make an awful lot of sense, but it's Arlene trashing Sisco, so I don't care, I love it. Anyway, Sisco thought it was very sexual and incredibly believable, with Matt oozing sex and Kirsty giving her usual consistent level of performance.<br /><br />Final solos: up first is Charlotte, doing a routine to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now' which looks awfully familiar, though I can't say if it was her audition piece because that feels like it was about three years ago at this point. Anyway, it's all foofy and springy and when it's all over, Cat shames Charlotte some more by telling everyone watching that when Charlotte did the spins in rehearsals, she blew snot everywhere. Charming.<br /><br />Finally we have AndrogyLee, in those ghastly humbug-striped stretchy pants that are joining Matt's shirt on the bonfire the second this series is over, dancing to 'Fashion' by David Bowie. His routine is a lot of jumping and the splits, whether vertical or horizontal, and decent enough amongst the fairly sub-standard solos we've seen tonight. Lee tells Cat that he loves fashion and dance, so it was nice to put them both together.<br /><br />Cat turns to Arlene for feedback on the solos as a whole, and unsurprisingly Arlene starts with Kirsty, saying that people have access to the best choreographers to teach them on this show, but some of those solos went right back to the level people were at when they auditioned, and that's not good enough. Kirsty was "like a kid of six" <i>[From Arlene's Paedo Dance-Studios presumably - Chris]</i>, while Charlotte wasn't pointing her toes, and wasn't supporting herself properly. On the other hand, some of them have grown, like Luke, who's dancing in a way that Arlene never expected, and Matt never lets anyone down. Despite all of that, though, Arlene reminds us that they have a further solo, if they're in the bottom two, and a group dance still to show, so we shouldn't just take her word for it. I don't think that was ever much of a concern, Arlene.<br /><br />Cat declares the phone lines open, and a Katie Love fan screams "IBELIEVEINATHINGCALLLEDLOVE!", to which Cat replies "ILLGIVEYOUTHENUMBERINAMINUTE!" It's little things like this that remind me how great Cat is, and so much better with a live crowd than Dermot O'Leary over on <i>The X Factor</i>. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. <i>[I think we were 5 seconds away from a "FUCKING SHUT UP!" - Chris] </i>After that, we get a quick reminder of the night's performances and the numbers to vote for everyone.<br /><br />So that's everyone taken care of, but we still have 10 minutes of showtime to fill. What next? Why, group dances, of course. Boys vs girls, like it's <i>The Apprentice</i>. The girls are up first, with a jazz number choreographed by Sean Cheesman. He explains to them all that although it is a group number, they'll be judged individually so they can't afford to screw up. NSFDOFPFPNC Kirsty interviews that they're being scored against each other, so it's important to look better than the girl next to you; this is underscored by rehearsal footage of Kirsty totally messing up and looking lost. Sean says that even though they've picked up the routine quickly, things are still not where they should be (Katie Love falls off a chair) and Bethany Rose interviews that when they get on stage, they have to bring it all together and show their inner diva. Katie points out that when you're one of four, you don't want to be identified as the luggage.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Dr Feelgood' by Aretha Franklin, and the routine is indeed a bit sloppy in places, with some timing issues - Bethany Rose is the only person I spot not falling victim to this, though she does have an entirely separate problem in that when the routine calls for them to kick their chairs away, she ends up kicking hers right into Kirsty's path <i>[/face - Chris]</i> and Kirsty has to plot an evasion course around it while still hitting her mark at the right moment. Sabotage will not be tolerated, Bethany Rose. As the routine progresses, Charlotte's looking a little blank in the face (more so than usual) and Katie's off-time again.<br /><br />Louise thinks it was great to see them dancing again and, finally having spotted a situation for which she has relevant experience, points out that she knows what it's like dancing in a four-piece act. She thinks that some dancers were more noticeable than others - Kirsty and Bethany Rose stood out as having the feel of the routine and the easiness, while Katie and Charlotte were left behind in comparison.<br /><br />Time for the boys: they also have a jazz routine, but theirs is choreographed by Mandy Moore using a heist theme. She claims that there's tension in the room as the guys are competing against each other, though to be honest the VT that they use to illustrate this makes it look more like sexual tension than anything. They were all just kind of leering at each other. Israel says that they're all friends, but they can't forget it's a competition. Angry Luke wants to be sure to stand out. Lee thinks it's been a very different atmosphere. Israel is fighting to stay in the competition. Matt thinks everyone wants to win. Lee wonders if this routine could be the difference between staying and leaving. And so on.<br /><br />They're dancing to Queen's 'Another One Bites The Dust', all dressed in sharp suits and trilby hats. They're a lot slicker than the girls, in that it's harder to tell if any of them are messing up at any given point, although to be honest I spent most of my time watching this routine thinking how I could totally get on board with these four being the new cast of <i>Hustle</i>, especially if they brought in Kirsty as the honeytrap. I think Luke's the best of the group, with Matt somewhere in the middle, and Israel and Lee lagging behind a little bit, but as I said, the differences between them aren't nearly as pronounced as they are with the girls. Also, I'm disappointed that there was a shot in the rehearsal footage of Luke doing a one-handed cartwheel, and this doesn't seem to have made a final edit. Boo.<br /><br />The judges are on their feet applauding, and Nigel thinks that unlike the girls, none of the guys stood out in that routine. A few idiots in the audience boo, because they're far too stupid to realise where this is going, and sure enough, Nigel concludes that no one stood out because EVERYONE WAS AMAZING. He thinks they're the proof that British dancers can be just as good as American dancers, and this is his favourite routine in the whole of SYTYCDUK. Somewhere in a distant corner, Drew and Hayley's Bed Dance weeps silently.<br /><br />And that's it! Coming up in the results show: the fucking Black Eyed Peas. I'll leave that particular agony to Chris.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-65059860091675621192011-05-22T14:28:00.004+01:002011-05-22T19:44:46.232+01:00Tapped out<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 10 Results: 21st May 2011</span><br /><br />Earlier tonight: BARROWMAN. And what a terrible idea that was. Also, the Top 10 dancers performed twice (twice!) for your votes, and now the lines have closed. There's about to be a gender-balanced elimination, and with Rithy & Shane out of the competition, the danger zone is wide open.<br /><br />SUSANSONTAGCANDANCE!<br /><br />We open with a group number set to Presumed Future <span style="font-style:italic;">X Factor</span> Judge Kelly Rowland's single 'Work', set backstage at a fashion show, featuring Katie Love, Bethany Rose Lee and Katrina Ballerina as fierce diva movel bitches ready to cut each other, with FDOFP Kirsty and Scally as what I assume are meant to be sassy stylists. Scally's carrying a can of hairspray anyway, although to be honest that might just be for spraying in the eyes of whoever she thinks is going to be partnered with Matt next week, assuming the whole partner swap thing EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Kirsty gets a bit lesbionic with Bethany Rose and Katie, while Scally focuses her attentions on Katrina (and sadly this routine does kind of back up Louise's assertion from earlier that Katrina's a bit uncomfortable with doing "sexy"). We pan out to Lee and Israel as the Noted Fashion Photographers of the world, both rocking an androgynous look which obviously Lee has no trouble with, but I'm pleasantly surprised by how good it looks on Israel. The three Fierce Diva Bitches climb onto a clothes rail as Kirsty and Scally wheel them around (I'd feel sorry for Kirsty here being relegated to this role, but given what happened to her in rehearsals, I'm guessing she's absolutely fine with not being asked to perch on flimsy-looking props right now), and if you're wondering what happened to the others, Luke, Matt and Tom now emerge from behind the mirrors as Big-Haired (not so much in Tom's case, obviously) Model Stormtroopers. This is so fucking hot I can't even tell you. Then the whole thing becomes a giant dance fashion show, and Bethany is vamping it up for all she's worth. There's some general whirling around of ladies, and a hilarious piece of blocking where the MaleModelBots stand behind the Fierce Diva Bitches who are all bending forward. Ooh, matron! This whole routine was amazing. I genuinely don't understand why the big group numbers on this show are routinely brilliant when the individual routines that we're actually judging these people on are so frequently underwhelming.<br /><br />Cat enters, barking "work!" at everyone as they stride off, cackling to herself manically. Cat to host <i>Britain's Next Top Model</i>! She thanks Beth Honan for choreographing that awesome group piece (thanks Beth!), before reminding us that we're about to discover who's missing out on a spot in the quarter-finals, and Saturdays are here again as Britain's favourite Girls Aloud substitutes will be in the studio. Or more likely have already been in the studio about four hours ago.<br /><br />After a quick recap of the rules of reality TV voting, Cat welcomes back the judging panel, including Not Remotely Special Guest Judge BARROWMAN, who didn't take the hint during the performance show. If he'd cut his losses and scarpered, he probably could've caught tonight's performance of <i>Legally Blonde</i> in the West End, and then everyone would've been much better off. Cat asks Arlene how the contestants must be feeling at this point, like we haven't already established that every other week, and Arlene says that there's a reason why they refer to it as "dance for your life"<i>[/Dance For Your Bottom Zone Danger - Chris]</i>, and the contestants have to basically act like it's a life-or-death situation.<br /><br />Highlights from earlier, anyone? Katrina and Tom's salsa got a mixed review from the judges, proving that the Latin curse is alive and well for anyone not called Danielle or Luke, while their jazz performance was rather staccato and did not receive Arlene's approval. Backstage, Tom thinks that they really went for it, while Katrina sighs that they've done it so much better previously. Bethany Rose & Israel got good notes for their lyrical hip hop routine, with Louise thinking that they're getting better and better every week. Their charleston, on the other hand, was sloppy as hell, but the judges decided they didn't mind because it was entertaining, because that's apparently where we are now on this show. Bethany observes backstage that it's nice of the judges to recognise the hard work that they're putting in. Scally and Matt's so-so disco routine brought Barrowman's ire for randomly not being Italian enough (SHUT UP BARROWMAN - God, I can't believe he's actually got me siding with these two, of all people), so backstage Charlotte vows to take his comments on board and become more Italian in the second routine. I hope they've got Fergie on standby. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foqgaD6-ERI">BEEF MEDALLION!</a> Then Matt had really sweaty armpits again in their contemporary routine, and Arlene fell in love with them all over again. Backstage, Scally and Matt act like anyone gives a shit what Barrowman thinks. Kirsty and Lee didn't win over Barrowman either with their <span style="font-style:italic;">Hair</span>-themed Broadway routine, and caused Arlene and Barrowman to argue forever about what free love looks like and whether we can show that on BBC1 at teatime on Saturday. Backstage, they rather sensibly choose to laugh off the feedback since they weren't really given much to work with. They came back strong (as did the table leg, much to the relief of Kirsty's face) in their hip hop routine, and Arlene was wowed by Lee's swagger and Sisco admired their commitment to the task at hand. Katie and Luke enrolled at Dalton Academy for their commercial routine and got rave reviews. Backstage, they celebrate, with Katie calling it "best detention ever!" Louise loved their seamless and fluid Viennese waltz, and Artem comes backstage to hug them, except Luke gets a bit overenthusiastic and refuses to let go. Not that I can blame him. <i>[I'll say - Chris]</i><br /><br />The couples are lined up onstage in their elimination outfits, and Cat bemoans the fact that they have to lose anyone from this line-up. We start with Katrina and Tom, and Tom got his first compliment of the entire series tonight while Katrina got her first criticism. Strange times, indeed. We then move over to Kirsty and Lee, whose Broadway routine started such a dispute that it almost caused the Rapture, while their hip-hop number was generally better received. One of these couples is in the bottom two, and it is...Katrina and Tom. Tom takes this news with a "well, that's me boned, then" head-nod. Kirsty and Lee embrace them, and then scarper quickly offstage. Cat beckons Katrina and Tom over, pointing out that she saw them nodding and asking if, then, this was not a surprise for them. Katrina says, somewhat carefully, that she'd prepared herself for this, while Tom is just nodding chirpily behind her, presumably quite looking forward to not having anyone tell him he's rubbish next Saturday night. Cat asks Louise for some advice, and she tautologises "guys, this is never going to get any easier, each week it gets tougher and tougher", and that since the judges have been telling them where they've been going wrong, they need to come out and show that they've taken it on board. I wonder how Tom is going to incorporate "who are you? I could only see Katrina" into his solo. Maybe he'll just not turn up for it. <i>[I hoped he was going to come out wearing but a Hallowe'en pumpkin on his head and done the Monica Gellar Thanksgiving Turkey On The Head dance - Chris]</i><br /><br />So who's joining them in the bottom two? Clearly not MATTFLINTMANIA and Charlotte, but we'll humour them all the same. Barrowman did not care for their disco number, but he ranks about six positions below Louise in the ranks of people whose opinions actually matter (in between them are Israel's Mum, Bethany Rose's alpaca, Matt's tap shoes, Drew's Cock-Phone From Last Year, and of course me and Chris. Not necessarily in that order), so that's not really an issue, and their contemporary routine left Arlene speechless. Bethany Rose and Israel's lyrical hip hop had perfect storytelling and Louise noted their ongoing improvement, while their charleston was entertaining, if not actually much cop. Finally, newly-formed couple Katie and Luke, whose routines went down well, even if they weren't technically perfect. Two couples are safe, and one couple is in danger <i>[gurl- Chris]</i>. That couple is...Bethany Rose and Israel, so Scally and Matt and Katie and Luke are safe, with Katie and Luke becoming the first couple all series to bounce back out of the bottom two. Cat asks Sisco why the public might not be connecting with these two, and Sisco says that he's surprised that they're in the bottom two, but Scally and Matt are popular and Katie and Luke have an exciting new dynamic. I think Sisco's taking the format of the results show to mean more than it actually does - they were up against everyone in the vote, Sisco, not just the people they were just stood next to. He tells them not to worry, and to "kill it" in their solos. Is killage the opposite of liveage? I'm so confused. Israel's not looking overly concerned, perhaps because even Charlotte's hair knows that there is no chance of Israel being sent home over Tom.<br /><br />Cat asks Barrowman if he has any advice for them? NO HE DOESN'T, GOOD, LET'S MOVE ON. Katrina opens with her ballet solo (I'll be bluntly honest and admit that I have no idea what the music is) and it's good - energetic, dynamic and elegant. But will it be enough? Poor Unfortunate Tom does his solo to 'Rockin' Robin', and it is of course a tap number. It's fun, but it's clearly all for naught. Bethany arrives to do her solo, a jazz routine to N.E.R.D.'s 'She Likes To Move' - it's very sexual, lots of leaping around and doing the splits and general feline crawling across the stage. Israel rounds up the event, with a hip hop routine to Steve Angello and Laidback Luke's remix of Robin S's 'Show Me Love', which seems to largely consist of skipping from side to side. Again, I'm probably showing my age here, but I think he'd have a much freer range of movement if the crotch of his trousers weren't hanging below his knees. <i>[Yes dad - Chris]</i><br /><br />While the judges deliberate, the Saturdays are here with their new single 'Notorious', which is sadly not a Duran Duran cover. Their dancing involves a lot of thrusting their breasts around (I think that might be lost on the audience of this show, to be perfectly honest) and the staging is themed around a lift, for some reason. The song is about being a gangster on the dancefloor, apparently, so that at least seems fitting for this show, although the back-up dancers in this routine do, for the most part, put the contestants on the show to shame.<br /><br />As always, Cat applauds like they're just off-camera and not several miles away by now, and summons the dancers in danger back to the stage. As tonight's Head Judge, it's down to Arlene to announce the results, somewhat nervously. She calls Katrina forward first and tells her that the judges have been delighted at how she's risen to the many challenges they've set for her, even though she's a ballet dancer. Tonight, however, was not her best night. Bethany is called forward next, and her feedback is almost the opposite - she had a slow start in the competition but somehow managed to turn it around and become a contender. However, the viewers are obviously not feeling quite so passionate as the judges are. Arlene tells the girls that the result is not unanimous, but they've decided to send Katrina home. Katrina takes the news well enough, but Bethany - who's been rather emotionally intense all evening - sobs right into Katrina's microphone as she hugs her, which clearly makes it that bit harder for Katrina to keep it together. Cat tells Katrina she's been brilliant, and we see her best bits: primarily wowing the judges as a hip hop geisha mannequin, and her revealing that the show has changed her life. When we cut back to Katrina, she's welling up, and she tells Cat that she's loved every minute, and thanks everyone for everything. In the pit, Angry Luke is clearly having LOTS OF FEELINGS about Katrina's elimination, bless him. Katrina says that she's loved performing here every Saturday, and Cat promises not to forget her, and to follow her on Twitter and friend her on Facebook and all that sort of stuff. Katrina hugs Cat tightly and doesn't want to let go.<br /><br />Tom and Israel move across for the Foregone Conclusion Of The Evening. Arlene tells them that she's going to "cut straight to the chase" because this time it is a unanimous decision (well, duh). Tom nods his head, because he's not stupid and knows this is a Tomlimination. Indeed, Tom's far more concerned about Katrina, and heads straight over to Cat and asks if she's okay, because he's really upset for her. D'awww. I SHIP IT. Cat promises to grab Katrina over in a second, after his best bits: obviously someone who wasn't on the judging panel compiled these, because they do actually show him dancing. I'd forgotten that he had longer hair in his audition - it's cute, but he probably does look better with the buzz cut. <i>[He does not - Chris]</i> He remembers being scared during the first live show and having SO MANY FEELINGS (calm down, Tom, you're not Luke), but despite everything, he's had the best time on this show. Hooray! Back in the studio, he very politely thanks the choreographers and the judges, before clapping the people in the Top 8. Katrina comes back on, having composed herself a bit, and while Cat trails next week's show, Tom leans over and gives Katrina a "buck up, little camper" smile and holds her hand. Next week: The Black Eyed Peas! (Ugh.) The rest of the contestants swarm the stage and Bethany Rose collapses into sobs on Katrina again, and she's got a whole huddle around her, while Tom's just being hugged by Kirsty and Lee. I don't think this is anything personal against him, I just think everyone's realised she's clearly the one more in need of reassurance at this exact moment. Then Matt comes over and hugs Tom, but Not In That Way, while Lee moves over to Katrina and makes efforts to co-ordinate the whole thing into one giant group hug. And we're done! See you next week for the quarter final.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-77435329096300732112011-05-22T12:32:00.007+01:002011-05-22T19:44:34.590+01:00So You Think You Can Make Artem Chigvintsev Cry?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 10: 21st May 2011</span><br /><br />Previously on So You Think You Can Dance? : A mercy killing. No, not of the whole show - just Rithy & Shane. And, as that barely counted as an elimination, we also said goodbye to Lee-Boy and Danielle. Bye Lee-Boy and Danielle! This means we are at our Top Ten, and they must stand in a line and do dramatic head-turn to camera, yes they must. (AndrogyLee kills this bit in particular. I vote for him on that alone. IT'S A RECOGNISED DANCE STYLE!) Five girls! Five boys! Ten dances! A BARROWMANDEMSUGA! This is :<div><br /></div><div>SARAHPALINCANDANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>As with last week, we get the "here are the girls, here are your guys" entrance with our remaining ten, rather than a group routine. Which is a shame, because the group routines have generally been good fun this series. I'd take them over most of the partner routines to be honest. Anyway, in makeover news, Katie Love has styled her hair upwards, in a tribute to her new partner Angry Luke, and Charlotte's hair is frankly a ratty mess, although still preferable to what they've done to poor Katrina, which I believe is called a "Croydon Facelift" by the less class-sensitive amongst us. For the boys, it's mostly the same old, cept Matt has his hair done up like an anime hero.</div><div><br /></div><div>Just whilst we're in a content-light bit of the show, I thought I'd bring you <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Vo64mFSGnY">this</a>. Yes, all the best routines on this show really HAVE been done before. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Oh, BOO to this show for that. I should know not to get excited, shouldn't I? - Steve</span>] Glad that Tyce Diorio is here this week to rebalance things, and make sure some of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOZdCpw7K90">lame</a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBX-se1dV0U">ones</a> are too. (Admittedly that second one is more thematic, but STILL!)</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat troops out dress as mid-90s Whitney Houston without the massive ear-rings. She thanks us all (/both) for tuning in, and says that as the amount of people in the show DECREASES, the amount of pressure INCREASES. That's reality-show physics that is. Like "Every body remains in a constant state of velocity, unless acted on by getting the pimp spot." Or "The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies in a showmance are equal, opposite, and SEXTACULAR". She reminds that the prize for the winner is still £50,000, and the "chance to dance in Hollywood", like Lizzie didn't just hop in a microlite and go there anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next, it's time to introduce the judges. Cat tells us that she's got some good news and she's got some bad news. No, Cat, this is just bad news. Yes, Nigel's got bored of this and told the producers that he has prior commitments/his gran's just died/he swears he didn't get the e-mail saying he had to turn up this week, and in his place, it's BARROWMAN. Cat tries to milk a disappointed reaction from the audience for Nigel's departure, and when she doesn't get one, she admonishes them "if we're going to do panto, let's do it well". Don't just stick to the audience Cat, go tell the producers. Two months ago, via time-machine.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anywho, with Nigel gone, Arlene's driving the bus this week, as Head Judge (oh Christ. Seatbelts on everyone. And crash helmets. And better get that "write your own will" kit out your bag ready). Louise's face is decently painted for once, and Sisco has come as Willow Smith circa "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth" but with braids set to "maim". [<span style="font-style: italic;">*thumbs up* - Steve</span>] BARROWMAN says that he's seen the contestants before, and called them all homos, at Choreography Butch, so he will be monitoring their growth, but above that he's going to be focusing on</div><div><br /></div><div>a) storytelling</div><div>b) entertainment</div><div><br /></div><div>He does not at all drive those themes into the ground over the next hour. He warns the other judges that he is a fresh set of eyes on the panel, so he may see things differently to them. Except for you Tom, you're still shit. He closes by saying that he's expecting some boos. Odd, when he gets them, he certainly doesn't act like it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene is asked how hard it was for the couples to learn two dances this week. Arlene says "really difficult". But Arlene is BORED of the nursery slopes, let's DOWN THE BLACK RUN AND SET THIS ON FIRE! If you mean "black rum" Arlene, and I think you did, I am with you 100%</div><div><br /></div><div>Each couple will be dancing two routines this evening, vote for your favourite couple, partner swap, what partner swap, we never promised that, pay no attention to the vegetable behind the curtain, let's begin.</div><div><br /></div><div>With Tom & Katrina. Cat reminds us that the judges are wankers to Tom every second of every week, but this week, he's come up with a solution! He's going to be a Superhero! Oh God, he's actually cracked hasn't he? Instead of coming out and dancing salsa, he's going to run round the stage in nothing but a pair of y-fronts, cape, and mask made out of banana skin, making trumpet noises with his mouth isn't he? Or at least I certainly hope so.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT time now, and we open with Tom sighing that the judges comments last really upset him, and he felt nit-picked upon. LAST week? Try every week since birth. I bet when he came out the womb Arlene was there to give him an extra hard slap. And another one just to make sure. Katrina positively BEAMS into the camera that she feels really bad for Tom, because he works so hard, and she loves dancing with him. Also backlash voting for him is the only thing keeping her from joining all the other fodder contestants who got no screen-time before the live shows started.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out of the CatBox they draw Jazz and Salsa. So poor performance slot AND Latin Curse then? Marvellous. Katrina looks a bit nervous, but Tom reassures her that they'll just try their best, as they always do. Baw. </div><div><br /></div><div>In training, they've drawn Tyce Diorio (/Tasty Oreo) for jazz, and he tells us all that this routine is going to be classic, sexy jazz. Nice. Katrina, like the best possible friend, tells Tyce that Tom is feeling low this week after the judges savaged him, so they stage a mini-intervention to get him back up on his feet. I'm not really sure what form this intervention takes, as I'm too distracted by the fact that Tyce has a tattoo of a Celtic cross on the <i>back of his neck. </i>Now that IS jazz. Anyway, whatever it is it works, because Tom says he's feeling much better by the time it comes to be shouted at By Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jaci for Salsa training.</div><div><br /></div><div>So much better that he strips his shirt off, rubs in liberal amounts of fake tan, waxes his...elbows, puts on a fake moustache and a hideous red-shirt and proclaims himself to be Salsa Man. I think this intervention went badly, badly wrong. I guess this is what happens when you go to Tasty Oreo rather than a proper professional therapist. Katrina grins down the camera-lens, afraid for her life, and chirps "bring it on". </div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, for their salsa routine, with a bar-themed set. Tom is the trumpeter, Katrina is the sexy dancer who is flirtatiously teasing him, and neither one of them is really moving their hips an awful lot. The camera seems far interested than him than her at all points, possibly because they're thinking he might have a Salsa Man psychotic break on live tv, and it's a bit of a shame because she's doing better than he is, albeit not to a blow-out extent. She climbs on a table for a bit, then there's a fake-out kiss at the end with all the explosive sexual chemistry of BARROWMAN and Arlene...it's not great, to be honest. I know the Latin Curse has dissipated somewhat in its powers to get people voted off, but it's clearly not dissipated in terms of producing watchable dances. Also he's wearing artfully unhooked braces, which is right up there with undone bow-ties in terms of things I can't stand. Also it seems impractical, given that the straps are flailing around and may LITERALLY HAVE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT. Where's the Health & Safety on this show this week? [<span style="font-style: italic;">Ask Kirsty. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Once they're doing, Shouty Salsa Chris...shouts from the audience, and someone waves a "Team Tom" banner that looks like it's sourced from a picture from before when Tom went mental. Ah, happier times. Arlene starts for the judges, saying that the salsa needs sauce, sex, sizzle, and speaking from the hips. And that had none. She examined Tom's lower half with her imaginary magnifying glass and saw NOTHING. How emasculating. BARROWMAN declares that there was so sex appeal in that routine at all, and it was not at all a spicy dipping sauce. BECAUSE THAT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR SALSA! Thanks BARROWMAN!</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows up by saying that she agrees with the other two - it had no sex appeal whatsoever. She thinks Katrina in particular obviously has a problem letting go and showing her sexy side. BARROWMAN demand that Louise do a sexy face for him, Louise basically tells him to sod off. Cat then reassures the nation that she knows that Louise can do a sexy face (as soon as Rithy's gone she's all over other women. I'm guessing she took that break-up hard) whilst Arlene blathers on about hips some more. Sisco finishes us off by saying that he disagrees with the others - Tom's faces certainly did it for him. Katrina wasn't doing her best dancing of the series, but he'll take it. And besides, who says a salsa has to be sexy? I'm guessing a routine that ended with table dancing, a fake-out kiss and a lift at the end where Katrina pointed her vagina at Tom's face was supposed to be at least a little flirtatious Sisco. Anyway, Sisco starts bellowing about how he's a LATINO SO HE KNOWS and he and Arlene yell at one another til close.</div><div><br /></div><div>As Cat reads out the numbers, she rubs the back of Tom's head (I swear, Rithy done broke her heart) as Tom looks vaguely concerned and bewildered that one of the judges gave him praise. Don't worry Tapper Tom, it won't last.</div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany-Rose and Israel now, and Cat informs us that Bethany-Rose set Israel up on a date this week, with someone with long hair, long legs, and great muscle tone. Was it AndrogyLee? NO, IT WAS A HORSE. I am so shocked that Bethany-Rose is a horsey girl I cannot even tell you.</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, Bethany-Rose and Israel both gush about how great it was to get a standing ovation from "all four" (take that Matt & Scally) judges last week, for their "Kiss Of The Spider Woman" routine. Hooray! Out of the CatBox they draw Lyrical Hip Hop (Israel beams "good times" and Bethany-Rose twitters merrily) and Charleston (Bethany-Rose bounces up and down with glee, Israel looks like he's trying to work out a giant fart without making a noise). Israel's obvious disappointment with Charleston does not AT ALL show up doing the routine later or anything.</div><div><br /></div><div>In additional VT news, it's the turn of these two for a "meet the family" segment this week, except, as Bethany-Rose very solemnly informs us, her family are all animals. That's right, she was raised by donkeys and chickens and horses after they found her abandoned on their doorstep in a basket marked "please look after this dancer". She learned all her best stripper moves from a llama. Israel looks terrified by this insanity, but just passes it off as being a "city boy", rather than at finding out your new best friend thinks she was potty-trained by a Shetland Pony. They go horse-riding for a bit, and Israel comically struggles. Well as would any of us if we were asked to meet a new partner's parent and the first thing you do is ride them around their house on all fours.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, except with one boyfriend's father... (F'NAR F'NAR!)</div><div><br /></div><div>Eventually they get round to actually training, with the Charleston/Lindy choreographer couple from Strictly. Bethany-Rose worries she might not have the stamina for the routine, as the choreographer man takes us through a whole bunch of moves we already saw Chris & Ola do on Strictly a while back. The things you can actually do in Charleston seem kind of...limited. Meanwhile, for Lyrical Hip-Hop, Kate Prince is telling us that her routine what she wrote is about the end of a marriage, so it's very RAW AND EMOTIONAL. Bethany-Rose informs us all that in rehearsals she found herself crying all the time for reasons she couldn't identify. If I had to work with Kate Prince I imagine I'd end up the same way. We close with her saying that there's no way they're leaving this week "straight dizzle". THAT'S WHAT YOU BLACK PEOPLE SAY ISN'T IT ISRAEL? Israel agrees that is indeed what black people say.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and a giant circle of red rose petals on the floor. I'm so excited. I feel like I've somehow gained access to My Nemesis' Kate Prince's diary, and am reading about all her secret 15 year old girl feelings. I kind of want to photocopy it and staple it to the school noticeboard. Israel and Bethany-Rose are dancing to that version of "Love The Way You Lie" where it's just Rihanna singing rather than the version with Eminem rapping in it as well, which is probably why it feels possibly closer to a straight-up contemporary routine than lyrical hip-hop. Either way, I enjoy it quite lot, mostly because Israel is really selling the emotion and keeping his dancing strong. Bethany-Rose is a bit of an after-thought in terms of what she's being asked to do, but she carries herself well as well. There's a lot of silly petal throwing as a metaphor for emotion, which all feels a bit University Devised Piece, but it's probably my favourite Kate Prince routine ever (*DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE KLAXON*).</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over to the judges once they're done, smiling that they don't have to solve their problems by shouting at and over one another. Why not talk things through like grown-ups? Sadly, she's referring to Israel and Bethany-Rose, not the judges. Sisco starts by praising Kate Prince for really laying out her true emotions in that routine. It's so rare on this show to have a choreographer produce a great big incontinent and scary fountain of feelings like that. Kate Prince, in her Big Top at Mothercare dress, stares at her feet and mumbles a thanks. Oh and Israel and Bethany-Rose did her justice, whilst being by no means technically perfect. Well done them. From the audience, Israel's mum watches on, waiting. </div><div><br /></div><div>Louise praises them both for taking the competition in both hands and really pushing hard with that routine, particularly Bethany-Rose. At this, for no reason, Cat brings up the skateboarding routine of two weeks ago again. Why Cat why? The show's already going to have to spend most of its after-care budget on deprogramming Tom, don't traumatise the rest of the cast. And me. As if that's not enough, Arlene leaps to her feet and starts threatening to rush the stage and hug Israel. THAT ROUTINE HAD ALL THE DRAMA AND REALISM OF THE KATIE PRICE AND PETER ANDRE BREAK-UP. NB : she's saying this as a compliment. BARROWMAN closes by saying that he got goosebumps and was in tears (SO MACHO) [<span style="font-style: italic;">SUGASUGASUGA - Steve</span>] over that, so it was perfect storytelling. WELL DONE!</div><div><br /></div><div>As Cat reads out their number, Israel's mum is on her feet and yelling again. So that's 20 minutes in, if you're in a sweepstake.</div><div><br /></div><div>Charlotte and Matt are next, as Cat tells us that this week they swapped jazz hands for Scarborough sands. Good lord Cat, the janitors are already going to be busy enough getting all those rose petals off the stage, let alone METAPHORICAL EMOTIONAL SAND.</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, Matt and Scally talk about how intense last week was, and how she wants to make Sisco's job hard every week by making it impossible to criticise them. Oh Charlotte, Sisco's job is hard enough as it is, what with having to remember to both breathe and blink. Don't overload the poor lamb. Out of the CatBox they draw contemporary and disco (THAT'S A TYPE OF CRISP ISN'T IT? HOW DO I DANCE A CRISP?) and Matt proclaims that this is all so exhausting that he feels like he needs a holiday.</div><div><br /></div><div>TO SCARBOROUGH! Wow, that was in no way a clunky piece of editing. Yes, Matt has brought Scally to Scarborough to teach her what the North is like, as she has never been further North than Watford. Contrary to Arlene's claims earlier in the series, there are minimal shots of teenagers doing foxtrots in the club to Chase & Status, and instead Matt & Scally just tit around on the beach, with her demanding "PONY RIDES!" (*face palm*) and constantly shoving food into Matt's face. Ice-cream, candy floss, possibly a hot dog and a packet of Fun-Yums. They then play on the dodgems and build a sand-castle. I have no idea what it says about the mentality of this show that it's presenting its strongest female dancer (it says here) as having the mentality of a 4 year old who's eaten too many Tangfastics. Matt actually has to tell her that it's time to go home now for the love of...</div><div><br /></div><div>In training, Charlotte very earnestly says that she really wants to show her true inner emotions in their contemporary routine, rather than hiding behind a smile as she has done in recent weeks. At this Matt mildly takes the piss, saying "inner emotions" in a OTT earnest voice. I'm growing fond of MattFlintMania. Hopefully next week he'll be put in a partnership where he isn't cornered by the edit into acting like a CBBC presenter meeting a fan. For disco, they both again emphasise how very DIFFERENT disco is from everything they've done so far, probably because they've realised that, jazz aside, all their routines thus far could have come from the same slightly dreary 1950s movie. We finish on this in-no way scripted bit :</div><div><br /></div><div>Scally : I WANNA SHOW WE'RE NOT ONE TRICK DONKEYS!</div><div>Matt : IT'S ONE TRICK PONIES! (*YOU MORON!*)</div><div>Scally : YEAH, BUT YOU SAID IT WAS DONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</div><div>Matt : HA HA HA!!!!</div><div>(*goes to happy place*)</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and both Matt and Scally are suitably 70s'd up, and are standing on light-boxes, pulsing out bright primary colours. They're dancing to "You Should Be Dancing", although not the Bee Gees version, so what's the point really. They trick their way across the light-boxes to the end, and then take to the floor for a whole lot of lifts (oh hai Giant Lady Disco routine!) and also maybe some dancing in there somewhere as well. It's all a bit gluey and slow for disco for me, and some of the arm cross-overs and lifts are a bit awkward. Still, there's a lot of energy going into it, more-so from him than her, although when your part of the routine is 80% being thrown in the air and 10% having Matt spank your bum, you do what you can I guess.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over to the judges they strut, and Cat basically commands the audience to stare at MattFlintMania's crotch, as she goes on and on about his tight trousers. Now she knows why John Travolta walked like that in Saturday Night Fever. I can think of a few reasons I've heard rumoured that might explain why John Travolta walks funny occasionally, and they don't involve ti(*Redacted by Bitch Blogs Extensive Team Of Lawyers*). [<span style="font-style: italic;">Don't go naming any footballers with superinjunctions either. - Steve</span>] Matt stretches the crotch out with a squat, to preserve his modesty.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise starts for the judges, saying that they were amazing and perfect as always, but she felt that MattFlintMania was more modern and cool with it, and she wanted to see Scally got down and "Saturday Night" a bit more. She can tell that Arlene's about to start yelling like a moron at her though. Arlene yelps "YOU BET!" (Louise looks at her all "well done on not defying my low expectations of you Arlene") and proclaims, jabbing her finger about wildly, that Scally stole the routine, because Matt was overworking it and he hauled her around like a JCB. BARROWMAN says that he agrees with both Arlene and Louise. They were both rubbish. HE WAS HOPING FOR A HOT ITALIAN COUPLE DOING THE DISCO (?!) BUT INSTEAD HE GOT A BLAND ITALIAN MEAL WITH SOME TRICKS IN IT! The audience boo lustily, and BARROWMAN boos them back.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco finishes by saying that BARROWMAN is juss jelus that Matt got the outfit he wanted for the evening, and that that was camptastic fun. Well done. It's nice that the arrival of BARROWMAN has heralded also the arrival of "juss jelus" as a judging critique. Really elevating the show isn't he?</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat reads out the numbers, and by "reads out the numbers" I mean "asks MattFlintMania if he has a big cock" (/"do you fill those tight trousers out nicely?"). I bet Rithy didn't even leave a goodbye note.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty and AndrogyLee, who are dressed up as hippies. Cat tells us all that in rehearsal, Kirsty and Lee B fell victim to an accident that nearly saw her off the show for good. OH GOD. HE'S ONLY GONE AND KNOCKED HER UP. You know, free love has its consequences.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT now, which is being soundtracked by Lipstick by Jedward (amazing). AndrogyLee boasts about how well their Argentine Tango went last week and also about how they're now in the Top Ten. WHOO! Actually, now that Katrina and Tom are gone (spoilers!), he's officially the LAST FODDER STANDING. Who needs audition footage? Backstage, Nigel creeps up behind them and tells them that their Argentine Tango was amazing. AndrogyLee bugs his eyes out in excitement, and Kirsty thanks him profusely. Bless. Out of the CatBox, they draw Broadway and Hip Hop and look like they're trying to hold back feelings of disappointment. At least in Broadway there's SOME chance you might not be subject to endless "BUTCH UP NANCY BOY!" comments though AndrogyLee.</div><div><br /></div><div>They're with Tasty Oreo for their Broadway, who tells them that their routine is all about free love and flower power, so should be PERFECT for AndrogyLee. AndrogyLee gives the lie to this by slumping up against a mirror looking like one of the living dead. All this free love is hard work it turns out. Fortunately for them, they've got...oh. They've got Kenrick for the hip-hop. Remember? The one who ground Alice and Charlie down into dirt before they went home. Him. He's choreographed a routine based around two business partners deciding to just THROW AWAY THEIR PAPERS and have fun via the medium of hip hop. WHY CAN PEOPLE NEVER JUST DANCE HIP-HOP ON THIS SHOW? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BUSINESS PARTNERS AND LYRICAL ROBOTS AND BOOT-CAMPS AND MANNEQUINS COMING TO LIFE? And...breathe.</div><div><br /></div><div>We cut to Friday rehearsals, where Kirsty and AndrogyLee are dancing on a table. One of the legs gives way, catapulting Kirsty into the ground face first. (She is now officially Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty). Kirsty then sues the show, and wins a pay-out of £50,000, making her officially the winner of So You Think You Can Dance Series 2. She takes AndrogyLee to Hollywood with the money, where they blow it all on cocktails and jewellery, and both find rich old Latino millionaires to marry. THE BEST POSSIBLE ENDING IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD. LET'S JUST PRETEND THIS HAPPENED. [<span style="font-style: italic;">It's canon as far as I'm concerned. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>OK, out to the stage, and I'm not afraid to tell you that the start of this routine coincided with the time the Rapture was supposed to start, and sod the coincidental volcanos and earthquakes, THIS is what scared me the most that it was about to happen. Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Compo-Queen Kirsty and AndrogyLee both loon around the stage like they're on a LOT OF CHEMICAL UPPERS for 90 seconds to the sounds of The Age Of Aquarius. It's amazing. I'm not sure it's a dance. But it's amazing. She's kind of heavy-footed in it, at points he spazzes around like he's in the middle of a werewolf-transformation for much of it, but in terms of capturing the feeling of a performance of Hair, this is right on it.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Fun Fact : at my primary school we used to sing the songs of Hair instead of hymns in morning assembly. Oh yes, it was one of THOSE schools. I still now all the words to Good Morning Starshine)</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over, laughing that she'll have what they're having. by which she means DRUGS. BARROWMAN is called upon to start, and he tells us all that he was in the 25th anniversary revival of Hair. Any excuse to get your nob out, eh BARROWMAN? He says that they were very brave, and they danced it well, but it was like no style of Broadway he's ever seen, it had no story (dear John : the story is that they were on a lot of drugs) and it just didn't work. Someone very mildly boos him from the audience, and he snaps back "OH, GO BOO YOURSELF!" Great. Cat asks him to clarify that he's just got a bug up his bum about the choreography, and he clarifies that yes, he hated it because there was no story, and also he hates Hair for some reason. Someone (I think it might have been me), yells "BRING BACK NIGEL!" and BARROWMAN throws a huff saying that NIGEL'S NOT HERE, HE'S HERE, AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB COME UP HERE. Would that the random booer had been allowed. I'd take him. [<span style="font-style: italic;">There should've been an interactive audience poll at this point. Random booer would've won in a landslide. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene then breaks in to say that she saw storytelling, and it was about free love (WHERE?!) as far as she saw it (YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! like, four times he says this, right in her face, jabbing the table) or at least as much as you could do at 5:30 (THEN DON'T DO IT AT 5:30!). It was just like the film Hair (WE'RE NOT DOING A FILM! THEY'RE DANCING ON A STAGE) by Twyla Tharp which portrayed the feeling of the stage show Hair. It was an experimental film, and that was experimental Broadway (I DON'T WANT EXPERIMENTAL BROADWAY, I WANT BLAND ANODYNE TITS AND TEETH SATURDAY NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT SHIT! THIS IS A COMPETITION! YOU NEED TO DO ROUTINES THAT...oh I'm not even going to finish, worst judge ever.)</div><div><br /></div><div>If BARROWMAN is allowed to snap and cat-call at the audience over one mild boo, then Arlene is allowed to, proportionately, kick him in the nuts repeatedly with Rosa Klebb shoes after that. She finishes by saying that Kirsty and AndrogyLee are great and she hopes they come back next week. This has gone on so long now that Sisco and Louise don't even get to offer their opinions up. And I'm saying this as a COMPLAINT, that's how awful that just was.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, it's Angry Luke and Katie Love, or as Cat refers to them, "Blondie and P!nk". This is actually probably a more accurate idea than "Beiber and Rihanna" was. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Although "Jedward" would've been more accurate still. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Their VT reminds us that this is our Frankenstein couple made up out of the survivors of last week's Double Elimination massacre. Both of them say they've just got to plough on and try their hardest, and avoid the fate of every single other person who has ever escaped the Bottom this series - ie going straight back into it. Out of the CatBox they draw Commercial (Katie Love eagerly does up her eyes and hopes for a better genre for their second pick) and Viennese Waltz (the light dies).</div><div><br /></div><div>Cut now to...Angry Luke and Katie Love frolicking merrily in a meadow as "Just The Two Of Us" plays, and then getting tattooed across their knuckles with the other's name. I think some of the marijuana haze that sat over that last routine might just have leaked out of my television set. I hope those weren't actual tattoos they were getting (NB : I know full well that they were not and there in fact has not been a moment of truth in any VT aired this entire series). [<span style="font-style: italic;">Apart from the "Luke and Danielle hate each other" one, obviously. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>In rehearsals now, and we learn that their Viennese Waltz is being choreographed by Artem Chigvintsev. Frankly I can't wait for the FEELINGS of Angry Luke to collide with the FEELINGS of Artem Chigvintsev in a glorious explosion of crying. Lots and lots of crying. Artem mumbles something adorable in a thick Russian accent into the camera about how hard the Viennese Waltz is, because of all the lines and the rhythms and the *melts*</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up is Mandy Moore to teach them about their Commercial routine, and she chides them mildly for their lack of chemistry in a routine about two naughty school kids causing a ruckus in detention. Presumably Angry Luke is there because he hauled off and popped a teacher in the jaw when the teacher rejected his submission of an essay about 16th century Sheep Tax via the medium of interpretive dance. Katie Love's probably there for uniform violation. Of a uniform that wasn't even hers. Luke and Katie finish by worrying slightly about how the newness of their partnership might affect their chemistry. I worry slightly about the effect it's had on her brain, as she has shaved her hair into a semi-mohawk to match his. Oh dear. She looks a bit like a midget Brigitte Nielsen impersonator.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and they're dancing their commercial to "Who's That Chick?" by Rihanna and that David Guetta person who lurks around in the back of music videos these days looking like a perv. Both Luke and Katie are in their school uniforms, and trying to look suitably juvenile, in a very prop heavy routine. There's lots of playing around with tables and chairs, rolling them over and doing tricks by propping yourself up on the up-turned legs. Sadly in a school context such as this one, this sort of thing reminds me of Hockey-Stick Kirsty, so I'm on the edge of my seat throughout hoping that Katie Love doesn't suffer an injury to her intimates. I would imagine she'll need that vagina for later. She stumbles once or twice, but other than that it's an enjoyable routine, if ultimately pretty forgettable. Mandy Moore obviously doesn't know Angry Luke that well, because if she did (you know, like I do), the routine would have ended not with a kiss, but with the pair of them setting fire to the school.</div><div><br /></div><div>SO MANY FEELINGS!</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over, and asks Luke how it feels to be in a new partnership. He replies that it's always difficult when you lose a dance partner (whether it's through different life opportunities, age, or screaming rows where you stick a dustbin over their head and beat it repeatedly with a tennis racquet screaming "I MADE YOU, AND I CAN DESTROY YOU TOO DANIELLE CATO!". Or however it might happen) but he's very glad to still be on the show and he's going to move on to where he needs to be. </div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene starts by gushing that they look like they both just came straight out of Gossip Girl (I don't think they're old enough to play teenagers on Gossip Girl are they?) and it was super hot. Louise follows by saying that, now that stinky old Lee-Boy's gone, Katie has no excuses for not being at her best every single week. Poor Lee-Boy. Can you imagine how badly they're going to slag Tom once he's out of "the room" next week? The group dance will probably be funeral themed, with all the remaining dancers dance-miming violating his corpse. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco follows, and praises Angry Luke effusively for really LIVING this week after being in the Danger Dancing For Your Life Bottom Zone last week, then smirks to Katie Love about how ironic it is that up to now she's been in a position where her partner's constantly had to come up to her standard, whereas now she's the one lagging behind. Worrabitch. BARROWMAN closes by saying that this was clearly a partnership that was destined to be together BY FATE. Yeah, remember the last time they were together? In Choreography Camp? With the walkography? DESTINY. (Also, how exciting/interesting/depressing/not depressing that 3 out of that Group Of Walkography Doom are now part of the Top Eight, the other one being Bethany.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat reads out the numbers, Katie Love pulls excited gurny faces, and we are at the half-way mark of the show, in terms of routines. Fortunately, we're not getting VTs for the second batch, as the Producers couldn't come up with any feasible way of making them more contrived and intelligence-insulting. Huzzah!</div><div><br /></div><div>Katrina Ballerina and Tom are up first, doing Tasty Orio's jazz routine to Summertime (the Sylvester version) (not the Sue Sylvester version) (sadly). There's lots of sexy jazztime rolling around on the floor and thrusts and struts and boob-touching and neither of them really look into one another at all. I guess this is one of those things where people who have chemistry off-stage don't have it on the floor, but there's absolutely no heat going on whatsoever, although the fact that they're dressed like a Liberty X Video isn't really helping either. After over a month working together though, you'd expect them at least to be comfortable touching one another's bodies (I know I am with all my work colleagues *thumbs up*), and they're just...not. Also the routine is genericpants, but it's Tasty Oreo, what do you expect?</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over, calling them a "sparkly pair", and asks Arlene what she thinks. Arlene thinks that they looked sexy in the very beginning, but from then on it was all a bit smiley and nice. The music was wailing sex, and their routine was whaling sex. IE, got to do it quick before the harpooner notices. As if this wasn't awkward enough, BARROWMAN then decides, for some reason to do with chemistry that we all might think BUT NOT SAY BECAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSING AND IS NEVER GOING TO GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER, to ask Katrina if she has a ladyboner for Tom. Nobody says anything for the next <i>millennium</i> and Cat looks like she wants to die, and Katrina looks like she wants to die, and Tom looks BAFFLED, and we move on. Stay classy BARROWMAN.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, by saying that Katrina is a very sexy lady and needs to go home and practice being a very sexy lady, possibly with a hand-mirror and a copy of Playgirl. Tom on the other hand, she's just going to apologise for the last month and a half of flaming dog-poo in a bag criticism he's got, because she feels bad, and it's a handy-dandy way to talk about that routine, about which there is nothing to say. Sisco closes by saying that Tom was in fact very sexy during the routine, but Katrina, whilst she was very sexual with her body, needs to learn how to do "Fire-eyes". Do we all know what "fire-eyes" (burning like fire?) are children? It's when you pooch your mouth up and squint like a Baldwin Brother. Tyra Banks calls it "smizing". Katrina Ballerina apparently does "Fire-eyes", but the camera's too busy with Sisco being Sisco to catch it on film.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat reads out their voting number one more time, Tom rubs Cat's arse a bit and winks at her. I'm saying nothing. Poor Rithy. Poor Katrina Ballerina. It was never meant to end this way.</div><div><br /></div><div>At this interstitial, Cat promises us later AndrogyLee and Kirsty going "bonkers in the Boardroom" and Luke and Katie "taking us back to the 1750s" (when they dance to Billy Joel), but first, it's time for Israel and Bethany-Rose to do the Charleston!</div><div><br /></div><div>She's dressed as a flapper, he's dressed as a 1920s airman, and they have a jolly good time. Well, Bethany-Rose Lee does anyway. Just like in disco, Israel kind of looks like he'd rather be having his teeth pulled. I don't think he's really got the hang of faking upbeat beyond just plastering on a smile not quite big enough to stop the cracks of confusion and concentration coming through. There's a lot going on, quite a bit of it going wrong, but they plough on regardless and it's not a complete waste of time. I do think they might have done a bit better votes-wise if their performance order had been reversed, although between their first routine and Matt/Scally's second we would have been drowning in emo come AndrogyLee/Kirsty.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over with Cat winking at Israel that she likes how he adjusts his goggles once the performance is over. GOOD LORD CAT, WILL YOU CALM YOUR VAGINA DOWN? She'll be back for the final! Sisco starts for the judges, saying that there were technical mistakes (blah blah blah) left, right and centre, but this is apparently what Saturday Night TV is about. Tragically, he's right. At this point in time. BARROWMAN agrees that it was great SATURDAY NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT (*drink*), although it started to lose energy by the end.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene follows up by telling Israel that he looks like an idiot, but he really portrayed the character well. She would have appreciated a few more technical elements in there, but apart from that, this couple are RACING ahead. Cat giggles also at Israel's outlandish uniform, saying it's like the last day of term at school, when you can pick whatever you want to wear. Yes Cat, the amount of people who came in for non-uniform at my school dressed as Amelia Earhart and/or Charles Lindburgh was LEGION. Louise finishes by saying that this routine shows why the show is so great - Israel was just a hip hop boy at the beginning, and here he is DOING THE CHARLESTON! This alone is enough to justify his staying in. </div><div><br /></div><div>As the numbers are read out, Israel is asked if he ever thought he'd be stood here on SATURDAYNIGHTENTERTAINMENT TV, dressed like this. He says no. Good enough for me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Matt & Scally, doing their Contemporary routine to some cover (sadly not SuBo's) of "Wild Horses". It's very, very, very overwrought and histrionic. Lots of thrashing of hair and sad faces and STRONG EMOTIONS, and not at all my cup of tea. It reminds me very much of Cancer Dance, which Tasty Oreo also choreographed, in that it's all a little too much to the extent that Charlotte's little frozen face of being a terrified Wild Horse being broken by arrogant stable boy Matt (or whatever the storyline is. It could easily be "America's Next Top Model contestant breaks down over her shitty new weave, but Jay Manuel forces her to do the photoshoot anyway") becomes mildly comedic. They're both dancing their guns off, and I think it's the first routine where she really outshines him (although he is still good, and she is admittedly the focus of the routine) but all in all I find it a bit baffling.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat pulls them over, and says that that was the COMPLETE antithesis of disco. Wasn't it? Wasn't it ARLENE? Sadly (?), Arlene proclaims herself to be speechless at the poetic rendering of dance she just saw, particularly from Charlotte, who is a WILD HORSE DANCE GODDESS. This sets Charlotte off crying, as she's clearly been on the edge of doing since the end of the routine. Arlene expresses her sorrow that this couple will be be split up next week, until the producers decide that they won't be.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat asks Charlotte why she's crying IS IT CAUSE SHE LEFT THE OVEN ON? Charlotte replies that it isn't, and then Cat makes fun of her funny accent. Being Brummy, I feel that was something of payback for her. Cat ascertains that Scally is crying for mysterious reasons she will not divulge, and we move on. BARROWMAN, with tears in his eyes, says he could have watched that routine all evening, and after their crappy disco, they just set the bar for the evening. There's only two routines to go BARROWMAN, it's a bit let to be setting the bar. Although not too early to be hitting the bar, from my perspective.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise calls them both truly beautiful and says that both of them finished every last motion they did all the way through with both their arms and their feet. Well done them. Charlotte at this point breaks down further and starts muttering to herself to GET IT TOGETHER SCALLY! Cat, not missing an opportunity to make fun, of course broadcasts this to the entire room. Sisco finishes by saying that, he's probably going to get in trouble for saying this, but he thinks that...maybe...just maybe they might be two of the finalists. Keep up Sisco. Nigel declared them the actual Top Two at least a month ago. Anyway, they are both technically flawless in everything they do, well done them.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat reads out the numbers, Scally continues to weep.</div><div><br /></div><div>OK, next up at the end of this accelerated portion of the show are Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Compo-Queen Kirsty and AndrogyLee, bravely facing up to the table that nearly killed Kirsty's face. And...I feel bad at pointing out the accidental comedy I saw in the Wild Horses routine, because this is unintentional laffos from beginning to end. I think it's the combination of the fact that it's a comedic idea in the first place, being played out by the two people least redolent of actual hip-hop dancers, and they're giving it MAJOR butch lesbian energy. Like, EVERYWHERE. On the table, on the chairs, sprinting around the floor. Kirsty in particular is serving up 100% Ruth Badger Realness. It's high-energy hand-flapping, armography-free madness the whole way through. It's not hip-hop as we know it. It may be an evolution. It's to "Pass Out" by Tinie Tempah. And at the end, they do indeed pass out. Then Kirsty rips open her business shirt to reveal "YOU'RE FIRED" written across her boobs.</div><div><br /></div><div>One for the ages.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat pulls them over, and congratulates Kirsty on her bravery on getting back up on the table after the thing that happened (PLEASE DON'T SUE PLEASE DON'T SUE PLEASE DON'T SUE!). Kirsty said that she was really nervous, because falling onto her face was really awful, but she just had to face up to her demons. Which now include a table.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco starts and, as hip-hop is his speciality, he says he's going to get technical. They were no swagger, it was a bit stiff, the grooves weren't easy to digest because they were getting all the different elements of style in the routine (which apparently included something called the "Willy bounce") [<span style="font-style: italic;">I think that was a key part of Danielle and Luke's commercial routine. You know, the one where he was just wearing a pair of shorts. Er, not that I was looking. - Steve</span>] were all mushed up, but he really loved how they gave it 110% (TM The Apprentice). He really hopes they both stay in. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cat asks Louise if an A for effort would be right, and Louise says NO, THAT WAS AMAZING AND SHE KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT HIP-HOP LET HER TELL YOU. She thinks that these two come out every week, take in everything the judges say, and learn and grow from it. Hooray. Arlene next, and she says that that was the BEST DANCING SHE'S EVER SEEN HIM DO. Kirsty was rushing the beat, but AndrogyLee is OFFICIALLY IN THIS TO STILL BE IN THIS! Of course she didn't say "to win it". Even this show isn't that factually inaccurate.</div><div><br /></div><div>BARROWMAN closes by praising their STORYTELLING (*drink*) and tells Kirsty that she is so cute and cute as pie. Well that's not at all patronising. Do you know what, I'm just going to pretend that Giant Lady was the Special Guest Judge this week for the final routine. Any objections? Yes? Good.</div><div><br /></div><div>Last to the floor are Angry Luke and Katie Love, doing their Viennese Waltz to "She's Always A Woman" (original version), which is about a woman who's a huge pain in the tail, but gets away with it because she's charming. I'm saying nothing, except that I reiterate my love for Katie Love, despite all her...foibles. Anyway, this is really romantic and charming, although so little like a Viennese Waltz that I expect Len Goodman to storm across the stage waving a 6 paddle and for Artem to burst into tears. Angry Luke utilises his height in Ian Waite ways (albeit slightly less bulky and gaymazing) (slightly), and Katie Love is very delicate and soft. Good job.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise starts for the judges calling the routine seamless and fluid. She's sure that there's technical things that all these other judges who know things are going to pull apart, but it looked effortless to her, and they make a gorgeous pair. Arlene follows up on this technical point by saying that their frame was great and Artem must have taught them really well. Cut to Artem in the audience looking on the verge of tears and really disappointed and pissy all in the one facial expression. Kristina Rihanoff is also sat there, and HER face is reading "I GET NO BLOODY CREDIT ALL BLOODY EPISODE, THANKS A BLOODY LOT ARLENE, I'M GLAD YOU GOT FIRED". Arlene thinks that Katie Love in particular was great, although Luke could have been better with his arms and flowed more. Sisco huffs that Arlene is being technical (having just talked at length about the lack of locked in swagger groove thrustbase alpha in the last routine) and Arlene huffs back that she was just picking up on technicalities as asked.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco takes his shoes off (which he claims are Louboutins but which more like Converse but with tinsel left over from Jessie J applied with a Pritt Stick by one of Bethany-Rose's sister-horses) and bangs them together and starts yelling about how ghetto he is. Giant Lady yells at him to "GET OVER IT!". Cat reads out the numbers, and sends Angry Luke and Katie on their merry way.</div><div><br /></div><div>Judges Questions Time : Louise is asked if the pressure is really on now? Louise says this it is. Giant Lady is asked if she enjoyed herself. She says that she's had a fabulous time Cat, and thank you for having her, and she's really enjoying her party bag complete with noise-maker and slice of cake. Arlene is asked who stood out for her as being amazing, and she replies that Bethany-Rose and Israel are the stand-outs for her. Israel embodies everything the competition is all about and has now changed her mind about him. Who wants to bet that next week with Tom gone, she's right back on him with a VENGEANCE?</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco closes and is asked who thinks is in trouble and who gave the stand-out performance. He says that we're going to call him rubbish (YOU'RE RUBBISH SISCO), but he loves them all like they're his children, so he can't choose who's leaving. But Katie & Luke were the best at the end there with the Viennese Waltz.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lines open and we get our obligatory recap portion of the evening : Tom and Katrina apparently ending sex everywhere for everyone forever ; Bethany-Rose and Israel acting out Kate Prince's teenage journal then flapping around at random to a 20s beat ; Matt and Charlotte making me wish Giant Lady HAD been a Guest Judge this week rather than a choreographer then crying blood over how awful Scally's hair has got ; Kirsty and Lee B being on drugs then making us all feel like we were ; Danielle and Angry Luke finding one another in detention, then always being a woman TO ME.</div><div><br /></div><div>Everyone lines up in their exciting costumes, and that is the end. Steven has your results recap...right now.</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-33637791674629136202011-05-15T12:39:00.007+01:002011-05-15T17:53:06.685+01:00So You Think You Can Go Out Looking Like That Young Lady?<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 14 Results: 14th May 2011</span><br /><br />Earlier tonight, 14 fantastic performers (really? that many?) danced for our votes, sayeth Cat, and now they're all sat hoping that their dreams of becoming Britain's Favourite Dancer aren't about to be ended. Eh, judging from Rithy's demeanour the whole evening, I think she's kind of over it. And I think Tom's just waiting until he gets all the pieces of that Doomsday Device he's ordered via mail to take the judges faces off with. Anyway, two girls and two boys are about to LEAVE the competition for good. Oh no! Not on<div><br /></div><div>ZARATHUSTRA CAN DANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>We open on a group routine, based around the idea of exhibits in an art gallery coming to life after the place is closed for the night, because Tyce Diorio is a highly original choreographer with many new and fresh ideas about how to frame a dance. And it's to Born This Way! By Lady Gaga! Breaking out the box again Tyce! [<span style="font-style: italic;">Matt and Tom would just like to make it very clear at this point that they were definitely not Born That Way, and here's a VT of them smoking, drinking and playing pool to prove it. - Steve</span>] Anyway, it begins with Danielle in leopard-print doing an awesome job of opening - tippy-toeing out of the painting and hoofing her leg in the air in a very exciting way and then...your guess is as good as mine for the rest of it. The cameramen have had a tough enough job following 2 people at a time this evening, let alone 14. At a guess, Katrina, Lee-Boy, Shane and AndrogyLee look like they're having a whale of a time - Matt looks kind of lost for once. </div><div><br /></div><div>On Gay Agenda!!! watch, they edit out "Don't Be A Drag Just Be A Queen", which is a shame, because the obnoxious parts of this song are the best, but they leave in "No Matter Gay, Straight, Or Bi, Lesbian, Transgender Life" which is the best bit, because I know the basic sentiment of being justified by being "Born This Way" really meshes well with most transgender people I've known. HOORAY FOR GAGA! Anyway, the painting frame they all burst out from at the beginning is pulled back, and they all forward roll through it like they're S Club 7. Oh and Danielle's leaping right at the camera for "BEIGE!", which is kind of appropriate I guess.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat comes out, looking very Children Of The Corn, Future-Peasant chic, and tells us all that we are to put our hands together for Tyce Diorio, as that was a thing what he done. Oh and Jessie J will be coming up later with her new single "Amp-i-App". But before all that noise, the phone lines have now closed, and our votes have been counted and verified, and we all know what that means. Yes, it's time to ask the judges to obliquely slag Tom off some more! This is my favourite part of the show, unless you count the bits that are all of the rest of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>We go to Arlene first, with Cat answering her own question to Arlene before it's asked "There's a double elimination tonight, why is there so much pressure on these solos?". Either that or she's actually Yoda. Arlene fronts that the solos that they see could definitely change their minds about who goes home. For sure. If they do a truly life-changing solo, and dance like their living livage lives depend on it, then the judges may save them even if they've danced like Trashcan Barbie the last month or so. I am so sure that Tom could DEFINITELY do that. DEFINITELY. Cat tries to make out like solos are what this show is ALL ABOUT. Frankly Cat, unless there's a cock-phone involved, I'm not interested.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, these PUNGENT LIES over with, let's remind ourselves of what happened earlier in the evening : Rithy and Shane rolled around in a smoke machine Titanic nightmare, like some sort of reverse parody of the Widdyrumba, whilst Shane's mum sat there looking like murder and the judges slated it. Backstage, Shane apparently insists that he felt something in the routine, he did, honest - Rithy looks like all she felt was an urgent desire to go home and watch Doctors. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel did a great routine themed around an evil rampaging Spiderbitch, and by "great routine" I mean "by the standards this show has set itself", by which I mean "some impressive things happened in it". Backstage Bethany-Rose and Israel debate whether the judges comments were the icing on top of the cake or the cherry on top of the cake. I'm always a fan of fudge-nuggets myself. Sisco in particular strikes me as a fudge-nugget.</div><div><br /></div><div>Charlotte & Matt did half an amazing Lindy Hop and then either they ran out of puff or my interest in Lindy Hop sputtered out again. Backstage they jump around squealing and Charlotte begs for votes whilst tugging at the ugly, UGLY mustard yellow jumper she's wearing. Maybe that's why my interest waned. Katie & Lee-Boy danced an awful routine tediously, and then Arlene slagged off Supermarket Sweep. How dare you Arlene, none of us would be here today if it weren't for the sterling work in light entertainment laid down by Dale Winton. Know your history Arlene - he's a fucking pioneer. Backstage Lee-Boy huffs that the judges don't seem to care if he's there or not, and Katie Love begs the public to get behind "Team LoveLee" for one more week. JUST ONE MORE WEEK! THAT'S ALL SHE ASKS! Then there will be no more Team LoveLee! Unless she's with AndrogyLee that is. "Team LoveMatt" [<span style="font-style: italic;">Isn't that the hairy bit just above your bum that most people get waxed off? - Steve</span>] and "Team LoveLuke" are also possibilities, although "Team LoveIsrael" is off-limits due to BBC Impartiality Guidelines. Scally and Tom would probably have to form "Team LovePalestine" as a bulwark. Also obviously "Team TomLove" isn't allowed, because if that much positivity towards Tom is allowed to happen for even one second, Arlene will straight up explode.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage now, these four couples are lined up. As soon as Cat says "two couples are safe, and two are in Danger", Rithy and Katie Love look at one another and Rithy nods. SUCH SUSPENSE! Anyway, after the pre-amble, and it is indeed Fierce Rithy, Shane, Katie Love and Lee-Boy who will be dancing for THEIR VERY LIVES in the solos. As Matt leaves the stage he turns to Rithy and Shane and very sternly commands them to "bring it", like the judges are definitely going to pull someone through three bottom 2s in a row. I don't think even Lisa Snowdon would have got tha...what am I saying, she totally would have.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Louise is asked if she is surprised by this turn of events (I really wish that someone had to pull that ridiculous door-pull plait she's got this week every time she has to speak, just so the thing had some utility.) and she says no, because neither couple danced their best this week. Who did? Bethany-Rose and Israel I guess. S'pretty much it. Cat reiterates Matt's command to "BRING IT!" by wagging her finger violently in Katie Love's face. Katie Love could not give two teabags for this at this point in time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now it's time for another set of reminders for the hard of thinking : Luke & Danielle danced lyrical hiphop and both overacted quite unpleasantly, but the judges loved it and told Luke that he was now IN IT TO WIN IT. Backstage Luke and Danielle huff sniffily that they are in fact BOTH in it to win it, as much as anyone who isn't MATTFLINTMANIA! is in this to actually WIN it. Katrina and Tom did a pretty wretched hip-hop and neither was much better than the other, so obviously Tom got yet another curb-stomping. Backstage Louise is all "mummy only does this because she loves you" about it, whilst Tom and Katrina just hug and Tom ponders which of the girls he will be told is much better than him next week.</div><div><br /></div><div>Finally, the running joke it is this show's repeated forcing of "butchness" onto AndrogyLee reached its apotheosis in the Argnetine Tango, where he didn't really do anything except as a support system for Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty, who reached her burlesque peak in the routine. Hopefully next week AndrogyLee will be allowed to act as Born This Way as he wants to quite frankly. Backstage Kirsty and AndrogyLee make Tribble noises at one another, and Sisco says that are just so consistently fun. *sniff* I'll miss them as a couple. I doubt any other random pairing of their soul with another could be as exciting. AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose anyone?</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, and all three couples judges are run through. ie Danielle and Luke you are really fun and dramatic, Kirsty and AndrogyLee you are really fun and cartoony-entertaining, Katrina you are Jesus, DIE TOM DIE! So in the bottom three are...Danielle & Luke. There is a solitary "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" from the audience, and Danielle & Luke look genuinely gutted. Kirsty turns and gives Danielle a very sincere look and squeezes Luke's hand. AndrogyLee kind of disinterestedly prods at Luke and looks bored. AndrogyLee <3</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco is asked why this happened, Sisco's all "for purposes of gender equality I am required to start throwing women under the bus instead of just every single man who is not MattFlintMania! so erm...Danielle sucks. All of a sudden. Or something". Cat asks them both if they have something special planned for their solos. Luke mumbles "well I hope so", like he's really going home against Permanent Bottom Shane and Lee-Boy.</div><div><br /></div><div>As everyone gets changed for their solos (ie the boys take their tops off) Nigel is asked what the dancers need to do to survive. Nigel's all "duh, dance for their lives, we say this pretty much every 10 seconds every results show". He then decided to lie his butt off and say that he thinks the public voted correctly tonight, and that everyone who got through danced amazingly tonight. I love that he thinks he's being subtle in trying to pre-empt the Tapper Tom backlash. WAY too late for that Nigel. WAY too late.</div><div><br /></div><div>SOLOS TIME! Rithy is first out, and suddenly she's turned up, throwing herself into a routine to "Telephone" by Gaga & Beyonce, and for some reason deciding to leave it all out on stage just when it matters the least. I guess she wanted to go out on a high, and good for her. This is in contrast to Shane, who kind of...gives up but not quite. He does his usual Shane thing to "Are You The One?" by The Presets and it's... less powerful and Shaney than last time he did it, which was in itself less powerful and Shane-y than the first time he did it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Katie next, to...*snorts glue*... Adele [<span style="font-style: italic;">JESUS FUCKING CHRIST - Steve</span>], and she does her usual very light and insubstantial solo work. Or at least it feels a lot like her audition piece, which I didn't like much either. I don't think I'm really one for Katie Love in the solo department to be honest. Lee-Boy follows, and just like Rithy it looks like he's decided to go out on a high, with lots of tricks and energy and the obligatory crotch-grabbing. It's not blow-away stuff, but he seems really into it, as opposed to every time he's had to play Tapper Tom for Katie Love, so it's fun. He also removes his shirt in mid-air which is a new one for me. You know, in terms of dancing anyway.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Danielle and Luke round us off, with Danielle deciding to reprise her Sex Ninja act from the paso doble of last week, to the good part of the Mickey Bubbles version of Cry Me A River (ie the opening bit) and Luke doing his usual very posied, very anguished, very Vogue video without the actual vogueing, leaping around to "Written In The Stars" by Tinie Tempah. I dub him Lankie Tempah. As soon as these are over, they wander back over to the side and the other soloists and Katie Love... strokes Angry Luke from above his nipple right down to his crotch. It's quite a stroke. I think you might be barking up the wrong tree-sized human being there Katie Love. Lee-Boy settles for just grabbing his arm.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat tells them all how the show works, as we cut to ex-contestants in the audience. Gian Luca is screaming because he is a PASSIONATE ITALIAN like that, Paige looks a bit bovine, Charlie looks mildly amused, and Alice is waving her phone number at Rithy probably. I can't see Stephanie. Maybe she's got a job. Oh yeah, and Cheekbones Ryan! Remember him? Sigh. Judges are now to deliberate, and Sisco's already getting animated about it. Until they've made up their minds however, we have to sit through the UK's "most exciting new talent".</div><div><br /></div><div>That being Jessie-J. Apparently. [<span style="font-style: italic;">JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SOME MORE - Steve</span>] She looks like Flavor Flav vomitted all over top half, and her legs look like the exterior of an Elizabethan Theatre and she's making a lot of very special noises. Apparently this song is about how she is in fact not perfect, as though...everything else she's done hadn't already clued us in to that fact. I would KILL for this to be her doing "DO IT LIKE A DIRTY DIRTY SUGAR BARROWMAN DEM CROTCH LOW SUGAR SUGAR MAN DEM!" with Sisco and BARROWMAN! and Big Gay Bruce doing back-up, but it isn't so I'm going to pass. </div><div><br /></div><div>Back in the now, Cat pretends that that didn't all happen 8 hours ago on a pre-record, and the legion of doomed march out. Girls are to start, and Rithy is praised for the energy she brought to her routine but...She's then asked how many times in a row this is that she's been in the bottom, which is super-classy, and then she says "three" and Nigel makes her repeat herself and this is gross and awful and tacky and Nigel says this means he's going to put her out of her misery, and he does. But by extension obviously leaves Shane swimming around in it for the next 5 minutes. Kirsty's already crying.</div><div><br /></div><div>This leaves Danielle and Katie Love. Danielle is called an ice-cold bitch with flawless technique, and Katie Love is basically told not to worry, they'll be cutting that awful Lee-Boy in about 2 minutes and she won't have to be held back by him ANY MORE. She's safe, and Danielle's going home. She twitches her head about angrily and violently and gamely tries to look like she's resigned to this turn of events. Angry Luke meanwhile has a burst of VERY REAL FEELINGS all over the stage. I don't know when these two stopped hating one another. Maybe it was when his family totally ignored her that he felt a sudden kinship because he KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS (*slams bedroom door*)</div><div><br /></div><div>Katie wanders off, looking drained, and Rithy is asked to say that she loved the experience. She says that she did, or at least the part of it before it became utterly pointless. It was beautiful Cat, truly beautiful. Cat turns towards Danielle, resting her hand louchely on Rithy's shoulder, like a 1920s Dorothy L Sayers lesbian, and asks her what she'll miss most. She says that she'll miss Angry Luke the most, and she's just said (*sniffle choke*) that they never got to do what they did best. In his case, the genre of walkography, in her case...who knows. Cat assures her that she did great, as she continues to twitch around like a cold chihuahua.</div><div><br /></div><div>They're sent off, and it's the turn of the boys now. Nigel highlights again that is is the most obvious decision in the history of all decisions, by telling them all that this decision was unanimous, as was the last one. Shane gets the obligatory "No Country For Old Men" cattle-taser and goes down first. Lee is told that that was a very interesting solo, but that he has impeded Katie Love for too long now, and then Luke is told that his solo was the only good one, much like Shane was all those weeks ago. And look what lasting benefit it had for HIM. Shane nods along with this all "yeah, I know I certainly didn't give a shit". Anyway, yes, Luke is safe, and Lee-Boy takes a very deep bow towards the audience on his way out.</div><div><br /></div><div>*cut to Katie Love looking furious*</div><div><br /></div><div>Luke wanders off and immediately does a full body collapse onto Katie Love, moaning like a sperm whale. "BWURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR". Thankfully someone turns his mic off at this point, so that other people's VERY REAL FEELINGS can be heard. Shane daddies up, saying that he's been here so many times before that he knows how Luke is feeling (NOBODY KNOWS HOW LUKE IS FEELING *bedroom door slam*) and he thinks he did a really good solo. Lee-Boy then decides to take this last opportunity to paw Shane thoroughly (and let's face it, who wouldn't?) and says that he's loved the whole experience, particularly working with such great choreographers as Giant Lady, Kate Prince, and the Cheesman. </div><div><br /></div><div>Rithy and Danielle come back out to join them, and Cat demands that everyone give them a Standing O. Meanwhile, at the side, Bethany-Rose sees that managing Angry Luke's Feelings at this point are too much for one woman alone, so she joins in. Lord help whoever has to dance with him this week. I think it might kill Scally. [<span style="font-style: italic;">*thumbs up* - Steve</span>] Anyway, at Cat's signal, everyone runs to the stage for a group-hug, and that is all! This means, halfway through, our Top Ten is :</div><div><br /></div><div>The Girls </div><div><br /></div><div>Bethany-Rose Lee</div><div>Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty</div><div>Katie Love</div><div>Katrina Ballerina</div><div>Scally</div><div><br /></div><div>Your Boys :</div><div><br /></div><div>AndrogyLee</div><div>Angry Luke</div><div>Israel</div><div>MattFlintMania!</div><div>Tapper Tom</div><div><br /></div><div>They'll be dancing, in pairings yet to be determined, next week. See you all then!</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-12289311314013482011-05-15T12:34:00.007+01:002011-05-15T17:57:18.342+01:00Along came a spider<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 14: 14th May 2011</span><br /><br />Last week: the idea of a "tween vote" on this show was destroyed beyond all chance of recovery when adorable Charlie Whee! and Cabbage Alice were sent home after landing in the bottom two with Rithy and Shane, who are spending so much time there these days that they're both considering registering it as an official second home. You know, for the financial benefits. (BITING POLITICAL SATIRE THAT IS IN NO WAY OUTDATED!) Equally, whatever fond memories the contestants may have had of the week one non-elimination special were destroyed by the announcement that we're going to have to have a double elimination to make up for it. Angry Luke in particular had So Many Feelings about this, but it's getting to the point where I feel like there is no situation in life that is not the case for. I imagine he has So Many Feelings about, like, cornflakes. <i>[WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GET SO SOGGY? WHY? THEY'RE SO NICE BUT THEY NEED MILK AND THEN THE MILK DESTROYS THEM! WHYYYYYYY?! - Angry Luke]</i><br /><br />Tonight: everyone's panicking, Scally kicks MATTFLINTMANIA! in the tits, Lee-Boy and Katie Love's attempt at a <i><a href="http://bitchingonice.blogspot.com/">Dancing On Ice</a></i>-style float spin from a chair ends in disaster (and happens right in front of Emma Bunton, so they're bound to be docked points for that), people get mobbed by hometown supporters, Danielle cries, Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty gets a second job as a lightning conductor, and lots of other stuff.<br /><br />Titles. SARAHSILVERMANDANCE!<br /><br />There's no opening routine this week, so instead we get the standard dancer introduction thing that usually goes in the results show: Scally & Matt, making the most of their last week as an untouchable power couple before they get uncoupled and we see how popular she is without him <i>[probably depressingly popular - Chris]</i>; Danielle & Luke kicking out at the audience to avoid venting those emotions on each other, Bethany Rose Lee and Israel vamping like their lives depend on it; Rithy & Shane for one more night only; Katie & Lee-Boy still managing surprisingly well in the face of entirely conflicting approaches to everything in life; Katrina & Tom, where Cat says Tom's name in the manner that you'd expect the judges to say it, with a manner of "oh, <i>that</i> one is still here"; FDOFP Kirsty and AndrogyLee, fierce as always. Girls, boys, it's our Top 14.<br /><br />Cat enters with a full-on "'Allow!", because for some reason tonight she's the Brummiest she's been in <i>years</i>. Midlands represent! She reminds us that the pressure is on because while everyone's only had one week to learn the dances as per usual, they're also contending with a double elimination and the fact that it's the Eurovision Song Contest tonight so the show's on far earlier than usual and is probably going to have a total audience of about six people. And that's factoring in me watching it twice because I'm recapping it. Time to introduce the judges: tonight Sisco has come as <a href="http://ninaflowers.bravehost.com/">Nina Flowers</a>, for reasons known only to him and and his stylists <i>[WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT FOR COMPARING NINA FLOWERS TO THIS ABOMINATION - Chris]</i>, Louise has only remembered to wash half of her face again <i>[and sporting a plait which she has apparently used to clean out a drain - Chris]</i>, Arlene is wearing a lot of stripes, and Nigel actively rolls his eyes at his own intro. Oh, Nigel. Cat asks Nigel why we're having a double elimination, and he makes it very clear that it was always planned this way to give everyone a kick up the arse, because you just know that a good half of the audience thinks this has been hastily thrown in to speed up the run because no one's watching. Nigel adds that some dancers have been letting their partners down, so it's all going to get mixed up after tonight. Cat clarifies that it will be down to individuals tonight, and then Nigel worries that no one is going to understand the system, so he reminds us that people will still be performing in couples, but we'll be voting for individuals. Cat knows this, Nigel, she's been on this franchise almost as long as you have.<br /><br />With the operations of the competition from next week onwards now firmly established, Cat turns to Sisco and asks what the dancers can do to proceed in the competition. Sisco says that they need to treat it like their last dance, and the judges want to see that desperation from them. Sure, because nothing goes down better with voters than <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbbkTrzzBwA">utter desperation</a>. I for one am hoping that Rithy and Shane stop in the middle of their routine and shrug <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.com/2010/11/now-you-treyc-her-now-you-dont.html">"you know what? Sod it."</a> Oh, and he also babbles on about *WORD REDACTED NOW TRANSFORMED FROM A VERB INTO A NOUN*, at which point Cat points out that this is a total nonsense and gets him to explain what on earth he's on about every time he utters that wretched phrase, which is apparently operating at a level of 150% or more. Good, glad we've established that scientifically. Cat asks the audience if it makes sense to them, and they reply in the affirmative. They're totally lying.<br /><br />Cat explains how this week's eliminations work - basically all three couples with the fewest votes will be sent into the Danger Zone, and the judges will decide which four contestants of the six to send home. So no automatic elimination, although I think everyone knows Rithy & Shane's elimination is kind of inevitable at this point, sadly.<br /><br />Up first tonight are Charlotte & Matt, who've been on either first or second every week apart from last week - something which I would normally think a tad suspicious, but to be honest I think it's because they're the only couple with a sufficiently resilient fanbase for this not to matter in terms of their safety, so the running order keeps bumping them to the front to give everyone else a chance. <i>[Katie Love and Lee-Boy have seriously had the worst draw out of everyone. Always second to fourth - Chris]</i> Last week they got great feedback for their Broadway routine, and this week they've drawn Lindy Hop. Matt cheers and Charlotte looks doubtful, but he assures her that this is "a good one". It's never established for definite, but considering Charlotte didn't even know what a foxtrot was <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/04/so-you-think-you-can-eat-scabs-off.html">three weeks ago</a>, I'm guessing this is an entirely unfamiliar concept to her as well. In rehearsals, she admits that she's never done Lindy Hop before, and fears for her chances of another standing ovation. Choreographer Ryan Francois tells us that we want to look out for a snatch, presumably in case Charlotte forgets her underwear. Oh, my mistake - apparently it involves snatching your partner out of the air and catching her on your shoulder. Matt and Charlotte rehearse this move, and the positioning of the camera right behind Charlotte does seem to give us a chance of seeing the other kind of snatch after all. <i>[STOP TALKING ABOUT SCALLY'S SNATCH FFS!- Chris] </i>Montage of the lifts going horribly wrong and Matt getting battered from all directions. Ryan suggests that they do some judo training to help them out, and as they go off to give that a go, Matt draws the parallel between judo and Lindy Hop, explaining that they both require moving large objects with minimal effort. Pages are ripped off a calendar, three general elections are held, Kate Bush releases two more albums, and finally at some point after that Charlotte gets that he's calling her a heifer, and reacts with the appropriate level of offence. Christ on a bike - I know Charlotte's not in this competition for her mental acuity, but if she can't spot a fat joke when it's delivered that bluntly, I really do worry about her. Judo montage: Matt gets battered again, and possibly regrets making that fat joke, as well as the six subsequent unscreened jokes about how long it took Charlotte to get it. Charlotte says that they just don't want to be KNOCKED OUT OF THE COMPETITION, GET IT? Yes, Charlotte, we get it. We are not all you.<br /><br />They're doing a subway-train themed routine that starts with them holding on to imaginary ceiling-mounted grips, and this particular piece of choreography reveals that MATTFLINTMANIA! has quite sweaty underarms. They're dancing to 'Shout And Feel It' by Count Basie, so Wikipedia tells me anyway, and I think my dislike of this particular pair has been well-documented up to now, but I'm going to put that aside and admit that I thought they were rather good this week. This style of dance is about bounce and energy which they deliver in spades, for the first half of the routine at least (they do struggle to maintain the momentum a bit towards the end), but they're nicely in time with each other and with the accents of the music, and they even manage not to mug at the camera any more than the routine requires. Let me put it this way: on the basis of this routine, I didn't want them to go home tonight, so that should give you a pretty good idea of how impressed I was by it. I WANTED CHARLOTTE SCALLY TO STAY IN THE COMPETITION. It ends with Matt flipping Charlotte over his head and her grabbing onto his waist while upside down. As end positions go, that's a fairly impressive one.<br /><br />Cat laughs at their not-entirely-graceful attempt at a dismount, and Nigel says that he's exhausted just watching them. He says that the dance needed the energy that they gave it, and they've set the bar for the evening, so everyone else's performance tonight will be measured against this one. Backstage, Tom's all "hmm, being compared to Matt Flint, that'll be a new experience for me." <i>[Rulers out lads - Chris] </i>Arlene agrees - she loved the throws and the air-steps, and she thinks they're dancing their way into everyone's hearts. Louise thinks they're definites for the Top 10 and they just come alive on stage, making a hard dance look easy. Sisco does the "I'm so disappointed...THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME NOTHING TO CRITICISE!" fake-out. He thinks they ace every genre and are always extremely entertaining, and that's why they're the frontrunners. Nigel adds that no one's guaranteed a place in the Top 10, so we mustn't assume they're safe. Charlotte literally begs for votes. For once, I don't mind. Seriously: good routine.<br /><br />Up next are Danielle & Luke, who will apparently be revealing what they really think of each other. I hope it involves them basically reciting the lyrics to Daphne & Celeste's 'Ooh Stick You!' Last week they survived the Latin Curse for the second time in the competition with a well-received Paso Doble. This week they've drawn Lyrical Hip Hop, at which point Danielle has a bit of a meltdown, because this week's a double elimination and she was counting on picking a dance that was in her genre. She snits to Luke that "everyone's had their style so far!" Oh yeah, remember that jazz routine FDOFP Kirsty did? Or that week Katrina drew ballet? No, because IT NEVER HAPPENED. Shut up, Danielle. Kenrick is choreographing for them, and explains that the routine is about a couple who've gone out for a meal, had an argument, and are now coming home to continue it. Luke admits that he's worried about having to "lock and pop and be all funky-funky" (BLESS), but has realised that this routine is more about "dancing and feeling", which is what they can do. This is true: a routine about having So Many Feelings is definitely in Luke's wheelhouse. Kenrick tells them to think about the dance and not the technique, which will totally backfire on them when it comes to judging, I bet. Danielle opines that they need more anger in this (yay! Moar anger for Angry Luke!) because it feels so real and raw, so Kenrick suggests they reveal what annoys them about each other. Oh, Kenrick: what hast thou wrought? Their list of grievances includes "nice bleached hair, Luke!" and "your pigtails are rubbish!" in response. <i>[YOUR FACE SMELLS! is srsly the best insult ever - Chris]</i> This is like the gayest fight ever. Although I am quite intrigued by Luke's accusation that Danielle never brushes her teeth, because: ew. Also, it ends with Danielle going "I'm angry!" and Luke growingly "I'M ANGRY!", which is a total shoutout to this blog.<br /><br />Their routine is to 'Impossible' by Shontelle, and is one of those pieces of choreography that starts out looking a bit like sign language. Their limbs are a little bit loose and flimsy for hip hop - even lyrical hip hop - for my liking, but the emotional intensity is definitely there. I'd say Luke is fractionally better than Danielle in this routine, though they're both doing a pretty good job of it. Then again, Luke has the natural advantage of All Those Feelings.<br /><br />Cat frets about the dirty trainers treading all over those nice white sofas, but to be honest, anyone who thinks a white sofa is a practical suggestion in any situation deserves whatever stains are coming to them. Sisco loved the commitment of the characters, and felt that this was what the show needed - it was dramatic and sincere. He had a problem with their posture, in that it was too good - they needed to slouch more. Louise thought they did the lyrical part well, and they showed the expression and got into character, though the hip hop stuff needs more work. She thinks they need to listen to the choreographers - which would be sound advice, except this choreographer told them to ignore technique and focus on the emotion, which is what they did. So maybe <i>Louise</i> needs to listen to the choreographers. Arlene talks about solar plexuses and letting the music tell you where to go, and then randomly comes out as a no-longer-closeted Luke stan, declaring that to be the best dancing she's seen from him. Nigel agrees with Arlene, he felt Luke's emotions, though Danielle's not quite so much. He thinks it's hard to get the emotions over with all that armography, so it needed to flow a bit more for him. Cat asks how it compared to the first one, and Nigel declares it not quite as good, though Arlene and Sisco think Luke was up there with Team Scallyflint.<br /><br />On third are Israel and Bethany Rose. Bethany was very pleased with last week's performance, though not nearly as pleased as Israel's mum was. Backstage, Israel's like "yeah, my mum loves me." They draw the ever-undefinable Commercial genre out of Cat's box, and Cat teases that she wishes Israel's mum was here to read out the result. They're pleased with Commercial as their draw. Choreographer Sean Cheesman explains that this dance is about a woman who's like a black widow spider. There is some confusion here - quite how far this particular clip is into the rehearsal process is unclear, but someone explains to Bethany that a black widow is a spider, and in a late bid to wrest the Dumbest Person In The Competition award from Charlotte's hand, she's like "oh, is it a spider? I thought my husband was dead!" Israel finds this <i>hilarious</i>, as well he might. Now that the penny has dropped, Bethany finds the performance easier to comprehend, and they get to work. Bethany hurts her shoulder during a flip but soldiers valiantly on as Sean explains that a good Commercial performance should be like watching a music video. Bethany thinks this is the hardest piece of choreography they've had so far, and Sean tells them that in this routine, it will be very obvious if they're out of sync, and that the judges ("especially Arlene", heh) will not fail to point this out. Bethany says that they're giving it their all to remain in the competition, and Israel adds "straight dizzle, I'm not leaving", at which Bethany cracks up.<br /><br />They've got 'Hide U' by Kosheen as their music, which is a song I've not heard in about a decade, so that's a nice blast from the past. They start the routine skulking around the side of the set, and Israel demonstrates how flimsy he is when he rests a little bit too much weight on it. Bethany Rose is brilliant in this routine - she's the very essence of spideriness, all limbs and bending. Israel's not bad either - you can really see in this one how much he's improved, how much more fluid he's become. There's a genuinely breathtaking move where Bethany holds Israel's hands, and then basically inverts herself into a headstand where she places her legs around his neck before pulling a full 360° and ending up back on her feet again. I would dislocate so many things if I even attempted that. There's some complex armography that they do perfectly in time with each other, and Bethany totally makes the routine for me at this point by just kind of opening her mouth and leering, which is a perfect little character note. Then there's more synchronisation and another brilliant move where Israel grabs Bethany from behind, drops down to the floor and kicks her up over him and she basically somersaults out of it. My description sucks, let's be honest, so you'll just have to take my word for it that it looks BRILLIANT. It ends with Bethany basically devouring Israel and pushing him to the floor. Awesome, awesome routine, and a good job from both of them - it's a showcase piece for Bethany, obviously, but if Israel hadn't been delivering as well the whole thing would've fallen apart.<br /><br />Full standing ovation from the judges, and richly deserved. Israel's mum is going nuts in the audience. Arlene thinks Israel found his technique and expression, and now we have Israel. Louise says that she was shocked a few weeks ago that he stayed in, but tonight she was glad he was still here, and adds that they chose the right week to raise their game. Sisco calls it "commercial perfection" and says he would book both of them as a choreographer. He adds that Israel obviously listened to Arlene's words earlier about using your spine and your chest. Nigel says that he has changed his mind about spiders now, and he thinks it's the best Bethany Rose and Israel have ever been, and it was definitely on a par with Matt & Charlotte. Cat asks them how they felt about it and they don't really have a lot to say beyond "we loved it and we worked hard", but in fairness to them the dancing spoke for itself.<br /><br />Next up: poor, lovely, totally doomed <i>[DOOMED! - Chris]</i> Rithy & Shane. Their comments about last week are obviously a little reserved, since they feel that they're doing their best, but they're obviously not pulling in the votes. They don't want to be in the Danger Zone again, and are thrilled when they draw Contemporary out of Cat's box. Shane is convinced this will be their best week ever. Their choreographer for the week is Tasty Oreo (/Tyce Diorio), who blathers on that this piece does not need to be danced like a dancer, but "felt like a human being". Shane giggles that they've been through a lot and therefore have a lot of emotion bottled up inside, though obviously not as much as Angry Luke. Shane's mum Alison comes to rehearsals to offer some "motherly love". She turns up with cake, and tells them that she's going to start them a fan club. Unfortunately, this seems to consist of riding around in a rickshaw cab with a tiny "vote Shane and Rithy" card stuck on the back, so I'm not entirely sure it's going to make that much difference. Some people at Piccadilly Circus cheer for them, but these people are probably all tourists, so for all we know they'll have left the country before that even becomes a possibility. They go past Downing Street and Rithy implores "dear Mr Prime Minister" to vote for them, but somehow I doubt a Conservative government is going to be that keen on encouraging immigrants to remain in the country.<br /><br />Oh dear: their routine is to an instrumental <i>[on the pan-pipes FFS - Chris]</i> of the theme from <i>Titanic</i>, and someone has made the daft decision to cover the stage in dry ice even though there's quite a bit of floor work in the routine, so big chunks of it are basically invisible to us. They're doing their best with the material - there are some nice positions, and I think the emotions are there, but this routine is a bit of a lemon, and clearly these two can't do anything to save it. I feel bad for them that after a few weeks of well-performed but indifferently-received routines, they're going to go out on this suckfest.<br /><br />Nigel says it was nicely danced, but he didn't feel the passion in it, and there was a lot of running in it - he counsels Rithy to jump earlier if she's going to do so, so that we can actually see her do it. He says that Shane's straight back is too solid and makes him look stiff. He wasn't sure about this one. Arlene agrees - she didn't feel the danger, or the connection or the passion. Sisco tries to interject here and disagree, but Arlene cuts him off and says that she felt that they were "drowning, not sinking" and that she wanted them to yearn for each other and grab each other. She feels they didn't use their extremities. Sisco thinks it was a stripped performance and "cleverlyly" showed what they can do, particularly Rithy, who's not at home in this genre. He outright begs the public to vote for them, because he thinks they show us a different dimension each week. <i>[The only thing I won't miss about Shane & Rithy is having to align myself with the increasingly desperate stanning</i> <i>of Sisco - Chris] </i>Cat asks if they're feeling the pressure this week, and they agree. Louise finishes for the judges, and says that they're performing as individuals and doing everything right, but it's not coming together - they're just doing the steps. Then she comes over all schoolmarm: "You're shaking your head at me, Shane, but I'm telling you that's what I'm feeling up here." She adds that Rithy's feet "go in a little bit rather than out", which is not exactly technical, but I guess it's helpful feedback all the same. I think Rithy & Shane know they're toast at this point, the poor things. We get one final shot of Shane's mum, who is amazing but in a more low-key way than Israel's mum <i>[Su Pollard is amazing but in a more low-key way than Israel's mum - Chris]</i>, and then we're out.<br /><br />Next: Lee-Boy is going to be taking Katie up the aisle. <i>[F'NAR F'NAR! - Chris] </i>Katie reminds us that the feedback was positive for her last week, but less so for Lee. Lee says that they're trying to get him up to her level in a short amount of time, and he's going to keep pushing and trying. They draw Broadway this week, which Katie's fairly happy with. They go to Lee's home town of Cwmbran to see the support that exists for them at his local Sainsbury's (this will make more sense in a minute) and Katie declares that "Katie Love is speechless", having not realised that talking about yourself in the third person is never, ever a good thing. Lee's impressed at the turnout, which includes a lot of b-boys that he trained with, as well as some adorable breakdancing little moppets. Katie sits on a checkout and asks for a price check on a b-boy: "I think they're reduced." Snerk. Karen Bruce aka Giant Lady is the choreographer, and explains that the routine is about having fun in a supermarket. She thinks it's tough for Lee because Katie's more comfortable in this genre. She offers them some feedback: "That wasn't sexy, that was like a lump of lard." GIANT LADY ♥. She continues to deliver the Real Truth Flavor (™ Ron from <span style="font-style:italic;">The Amazing Race</span>) by saying "Lee's been complaining about the lifts a lot. Yes, it hurts, but he either wants to win or not." This would be amazing in itself, but it's even better because it's accompanied by a shot of Lee dropping Katie Love on her face. Seriously, he is not being made to look good here AT ALL. Katie gives a slightly embittered confessional about how when Lee struggles it affects her too, and it sounds meaner than I think she's actually being here, because she does go on to say that they'll pull together and work hard. <i>[I can't believe she got shit for basically saying "when Lee drops me on my face, it kind of affects my performance level" - Chris]</i><br /><br />Unfortunately, they go on to deliver what's feels like a fairly "will this do?" <i>[No- Chris] </i>performance to the <i>Glee</i> version of 'The Lady Is A Tramp'. Katie's phoning it in, and Lee's struggling, and as much as I love Giant Lady, the routine itself is a bit nothing-y. They each get a solo spot that neither one of them really sells, and it ends with Lee spinning Katie around on a chair with her not looking entirely confident that it's going to stay upright. I think these two are in trouble tonight.<br /><br />Arlene is unimpressed, and says she would've rather watched <i>Supermarket Sweep</i>. She thinks Katie's Love has gone, as that's the worst she's seen her dance. She actually asks Katie if she's lost her spirit, and Katie's all "this has been the hardest week so far" and cites mental fatigue. Arlene agrees that the attack has gone and the spirit has been lost, saying that Katie has worked hard to support Lee, but now they're too far apart to be brought back together. Lee says that it felt pretty good on stage and that they were together well. Nigel didn't get the supermarket idea of the dance and found it a bit meaningless, and thinks that Lee is holding Katie back now. Bizarrely, someone in the audience whoops and claps at this - I can only assume they're either a mean-spirited Katie Love stan, or a Lee supporter who didn't hear Nigel properly. Sisco loves both of them, but thinks that despite Lee's hard work, he's ready to see them separate because he wants to see Katie reaching her potential. Louise says that this level of tiredness is a dancer's life, and she wonders if Lee is holding Katie back, but Katie needs to put enough energy in for both of them and she can't let things break down.<br /><br />Up next are Katrina Ballerina & Tapper Tom. Their Quickstep went well last week, and as usual Katrina got a tongue bath while Tom was taken out the back and shot, but he's totally over the judges at this point anyway, so it's all fine. This week they've drawn hip hop, again, which they both do their best to be excited about. INJURY PORN TIME: Tom went to A&E this week about a sore foot blister, and got the go-ahead to dance, but it turned out to still be a problem for him. Cue unnecessary close-up of nasty, weeping foot blister, as Tom says that he's in a lot of pain. Katrina says that he's struggling to put weight on it, much less dance, so it is a bit of an issue. His doctor tells him to spend time in bed resting (and reading <i>USA Today</i>, oddly), so choreographer Supple explains that Katrina's having to learn the routine without him. On Wednesday Tom finally gets the all-clear (again) to dance, and turns up for rehearsals on Thursday. He says that he doesn't want to sit out this week, and hopes his foot won't let him down.<br /><br />They're performing to 'Yeah 3x' by Chris Brown, and...yeah. The lack of rehearsal in this routine really shows. Neither one of them is on, despite their best efforts. I do admire Supple for placing Tom directly in front of Katrina for a good 15-20 seconds as if trying to deliberately bait the judges into actually paying attention to him. There's not a lot else I can say about it, though - it's a hot mess on both parts. They're not in time, neither one of them is doing the moves especially well, and I just need it to be over because I like these two and it's painful to watch them like this.<br /><br />Sisco has good and bad news: he thinks the choreography they were given was tough, and it was brave of the choreographer to give that to them. He tells Tom that they give him a hard time because they want him to do well, and also because he's with Katrina who is JUST SO AMAZING (I like Katrina well enough, but I really do not know why the judges think she's so faultless, because she reads to me as a ballerina giving another type of dance a damn good go rather than this master-of-all-styles they keep painting her as). Sure enough, Sisco tells Katrina that her energy and intention made her look like a hip hop dancer in that number and she "made Primark look like Armani". Louise thinks they've had a tough ride because they've had hip hop twice, but that's how the show works. She says that Tom needs to step up to Katrina if he doesn't want them to keep harping on about it. "HE DID!" screams someone from the audience. "ONE WEEK FOR THAT ROUTINE! ONE WEEK!" Hee. Tom says that he's sorry they feel like that, because he tries his hardest. Louise says that she's not saying he doesn't try, but they're just frustrated that he doesn't advance as much as everyone. Arlene calls Katrina "Superwoman, smash, splat, pow" (that's Batman, Arlene) and says that she was at the Royal Ballet last night, and no one there could do what Katrina did tonight. <i>[Nor would they want to - Chris]</i> Tom, on the other hand, "Tom who? I just watched Katrina." OUCH. Nigel agrees - Katrina's a star and a dark horse, but it's not happening for Tom. Also, he wants no more armography next week because it's getting on his nerves now.<br /><br />Final performance time: Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty & AndrogyLee. Kirsty says that she wasn't well last week and was feeling low and heavy (no jokes please, Nigel) and wobbly on her feet. This week they've drawn the Argentine Tango, and to get some moral support, they head back to FDOFP Kirsty's Dance School. She walks through the door and is instantly mobbed by a mass of screaming children; Kirsty and Lee joke that they could use the kids to be chanting outside their dressing room to spur them on. Lee explains that this dance is all about the chemistry, and that they can't look at the audience, they must just look at each other. Choreographer Leonardo Barrionuevo (I believe that's Argentinian for BARROWMAN) says that Lee needs to be masculine and strong and solid for this routine, and Lee says that it's completely not him. He confirms that he is masculine and A Man, and he keeps getting people needing him to establish this every week. Kirsty jokes that this is because she's more butch than he is.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Libertango' and the routine's a good one. As always, these two sell the hell out of it, and there's lots of intensity and smouldering going on. There are some lovely kicks and crosswork and extensions, though there are some parts where I think things don't quite come off as intended - a bit where Kirsty hangs from Lee's neck and kicks her legs out, for example, which is a bit sluggish, and another lift, which looks like it doesn't fully work. The camerawork on this routine <i>[/entire show - Chris] </i>is shockingly bad, by the way, which in some ways works in their favour - you can't always tell if they got something right or not because you couldn't bloody see properly. However, in terms of character and effort, they're doing a grand job, and it's arguably one of the better routines of the night. Also, credit to both of them for the lifts, because Lee lifts Kirsty like she's nothing at all, which speaks highly of both of them for having strong technique.<br /><br />Louise loved it because they did so much in one week - she thinks Kirsty danced with passion and intensity, and Lee didn't take his eyes off her, which is what this dance requires. Arlene declares it "epic, edge of the seat action" and likens Lee to Antonio Banderas. She loved the interlacing of the legs and the embrace, and the caressing. She just wishes they could've caressed the floor a little more, but commends them for having so many genres that were out of their comfort zone and always rising to the challenge. Nigel loved it too - the music, the choreography, and the dancers. He thinks they were acting, and cites this as an example of what he's talking about when he says he needs to feel the emotion. Sisco is impressed that Lee was so masculine and forceful, and that Kirsty was a great complement to him. Woo! Team Raggy Dolls FTW!<br /><br />With everyone having danced, Cat goes back to the judges for final, Jerry Springer-style, thoughts. Nigel doesn't want to name anyone specific because he thinks that focuses people's attention and galvanises the votes <i>[certainly I have no idea who Nigel wants rid of, none at all. Because he didn't mention any names now, the entire last month of live shows is STRICKEN FROM MEMORY - Chris]</i>, so he simply wants us to vote for the people we thought were the best tonight. Arlene thinks the public have a tough job tonight. Louise thinks some people have been overlooked before now, like Bethany Rose and Israel, who blew the judges away tonight. Sisco is asked who was the strongest, and he thinks that Israel and Bethany nailed it. He loved Scally and Matt, and wants to defend Rithy and Shane too for their consistency.<br /><br />The phone lines are opened, and it's time for us to vote. Quick reminder, anyone? Scally & MATTFLINTMANIA being surprisingly enjoyable for once; Danielle & Luke both having SO, SO MANY FEELINGS; Bethany & Israel baiting the arachnophobes in the audience with their awesomeness; Rithy & Shane being so doomed that they got a <i>Titanic</i>-themed routine; Katie & Lee C ending up in the "reduced to clear" aisle; Katrina & Tom both being the worst they've ever been; Kirsty & Lee B delivering one heck of an Argentine Tango.<br /><br />Four dancers are going home, but who will they be? Just as a point of interest, my unspoiled pick for the bottom three at this point was Rithy & Shane, Katie & Lee C, and Danielle & Luke. Now go and read Chris's recap and see if I was right. <i>[Show off - Chris]</i>Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-62801288777751194342011-05-08T16:45:00.004+01:002011-05-08T19:13:51.772+01:00Alice? Who the bleep is Alice?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 16 Results: 7th May 2011</span><br /><br />We're straight into the cold open, and Cat's looking quite jolly considering two more contestants are about to have their dreams UTTERLY CRUSHED or something. She reminds us that there are 15 incredible performers and Charlotte Scally all hoping to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer, or at least The Dancer That The Relatively Small Percentage Of Britons Who Watch This Show Could Be Bothered To Pick Up The Phone And Vote For. <i>[I am willing to bet that this entire competition is being decided by Israel's Mum - Chris] </i>I can see why they say it the way they do, it's definitely catchier. The phone lines are now closed, and there's about to be an equal opportunities booting.<br /><br />SARAHSUGARCANDANCE!<br /><br />Our Top 16 rush the stage in case we've forgotten who they are already: Danielle and Luke wear the huge grins of people who are slowly growing to tolerate each other but are still massively overcompensating all the same; Bethany-Rose Lee attempts to completely obscure Israel with the use of her leg; Alice is wearing a red bra under a black mesh top and daring you to challenge her about it while Charlie uses her as a prop for a flip; Katie Love attempts to look supa dupa fly and Lee-Boy enables it; Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom remain adorable; Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty and AndrogyLee do some unfortunately out-of-sync high kicks; Rithy and Shane are still doomed forever; Scally and MATTFLINTMANIA can't even manage to hit their marks at the same time, though on this occasion the problem seems to be Shane not getting out of the way in time. All the same, I'm going to blame Charlotte anyway, because it's more fun. I note that when they all hit their end pose and the SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE plays, Tapper Tom and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty (who are paired together for this bit) are both pulsing their arms in time with the echo. God bless Kirsty, she's always on, isn't she?<br /><br />Cat enters and informs the contestants that it was a great show tonight (and indeed it probably was one of the better ones, but there's still something slightly disingenuous about the way she says it). She goes on to bring up the elections again, though to be perfectly honest I think there might actually have been a higher turnout to vote on this show than there was for the AV referendum. Apparently The Wanted will be here later performing "a medley of their hits" (I guess <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.com/">Wagner</a> really made medleys popular), which will no doubt cause their fans to find brand new and freshly obnoxious ways to shoehorn them into Twitter's trending topics. Joy. <i>[Judging from Charlie's elimination, I doubt anyone under 25 is watching, so we should be safe - Chris]</i><br /><br />After a brief reminder of how this all works, Cat turns to the judges to find out what the dickens they made of tonight's show. Nigel says that everyone's probably shattered because they've been shuttled off around the country visiting their families and learning two routines (whose fault is that then, eh Nigel?) And that's pretty much it. Your judges, ladies and gentlemen!<br /><br />Time for some highlights from the first group, starting with Katie and Lee C: Louise thought Katie was slick and professional but Lee was, in a very literal sense, not carrying his own weight in the partnership. As Katie glares at him backstage and briefly considers changing their cutesy sobriquet to Team HateLee, Lee says that he's not trained and is just going to have to keep pushing himself. Or hoping that Katie will push him, one of the two. Katie reasserts her devotion to Team LoveLee, but her heart doesn't seem to be in it. Danielle and Luke impressed Nigel with their chemistry, and they're still a bit reticent around each other backstage, but manage to correctly synchronise a celebratory "olé!" Rithy and Shane got good feedback from Nigel, and backstage Rithy admits that they hope they're not in the danger zone, but they decided to sass it out that they've "done it before" and know what to do. Heh. Unnecessary Extra Sisco Footage tells us that they didn't deserve to be in the bottom two last week, and he hopes they survive this week because their performance was flawless. Bethany Rose and Israel subjected us to FUCKING ADELE again, and frankly anything that the judges had to say paled into insignificance next to the contributions of Israel's mum from the audience. Seriously: do not cross Mama Israel. She'll take you down. Backstage, Israel's all "cheers, Mum."<br /><br />We return to the studio with Cat saying simply "Israel: your mother." Sadly, Israel does not respond "no, YOUR mother." I think a decent bout of "yo' mama" would do wonders for the ratings, personally. Cat wishes everyone luck, and starts with Danielle and Luke and Luke's Chest Which Might Require Its Own Billing Soon At This Rate, who are safe. Bethany and Israel escaped last week despite the worst routine in the history of everything, so naturally they're safe again this week. Cat informs the remaining two couples that one of them is definitely in the bottom two. She reminds us that Arlene called Lee "an old banger", and the audience boos again for good measure. Arlene just grins coyly, which is another reason to love her. Shane and Rithy got good if slightly nonsensical feedback, and are in danger again, so Katie and Lee are safe for another week.<br /><br />Cat asks Arlene why the public didn't listen to her <i>[because we've learnt? - Chris]</i>, and Arlene finds it hard to explain because she thinks they've improved a lot. Cat points out that the good side of all of this is that we get to see their brilliant solos again, because they went down so well last week (even though Nigel said that Shane was the only person in last week's bottom four who was actually doing what they wanted in his solo) and Rithy and Shane are all "yes, that is indeed the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. Thank you, Cat Deeley."<br /><br />Group two, anyone? Kirsty and Lee had a lyrical hip-hop routine that didn't really set the world alight, though wasn't actively poor either. Poor old Kirsty had to dress up like Space Hooker Barbie, and Nigel pointed out that Kirsty struggled to get up off the floor, which may be attributable to her Oldness and Fatness, though this was never specified. <i>[Given how much he over-reacted to the one boo he got, I'm guessing fatness. - Chris] </i>Kirsty admits backstage that she wasn't feeling it onstage tonight, gesturing to Lee as she does so, as though she's testifying that no matter where he's pointing to on the doll, she didn't touch him there. Lee says nothing, but just gives her a kiss, and I get a little bit sadder at the prospect of them eventually being split up if they're in the competition much longer. I think they should just blow the competition off and go on tour as a double act. I'd book front-row seats, and you would too. Don't deny it. The Amazing Karen Hardy gave Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom a quickstep routine that showed off their individual talents, but it still wasn't enough for Arlene to give Tom any props. We see Katrina wandering into the wings mumbling "oh dear". Tom is so blatantly over the "you're not as good as Katrina" meme by this point and is now just dancing for us, and definitely not for Them. Hip hop caused Charlie and Alice to come unstuck as they were both off the beat in different directions. Louise pointed out that hip hop needs a coolness behind it (or possibly "a cornice", though frankly that's the one bit of architecture Kate Prince has managed to restrain herself from planting on the stage so far <i>[DON'T MENTION IT BY NAME, IT MIGHT COME BACK - Chris]</i>) which wasn't there tonight. Backstage, Charlie and Alice run the chalk and cheese metaphor into the ground. The judges found it impossible to fault Charlotte and Matt even though Charlotte sucks, and backstage, they're obnoxious some more.<br /><br />Cat starts with Alice and Charlie, reminding them of what little positive feedback they had, and they are told straightaway that they're in the danger zone, which means everyone else is safe. Crikey, talk about getting right to the point. This has the unfortunate effect of leaving everyone else a bit too wracked with survivor's guilt to be able to celebrate their safety properly. Cat asks Louise if perhaps the audience picked up on her comments about hip hop needing a laid-back vibe, as if anyone watching ever listens to anything any of the judges are saying, let alone Louise. Louise thinks the public saw there were stronger routines tonight, but now Charlie and Alice have another chance to prove themselves.<br /><br />Rithy's up first to do her solo, to 'Cosmic Love' by Florence + The Machine. It starts well as she bounds on with an aerial cartwheel, but it does end up looking a bit sloppy and a bit too small for the stage. I'm just not sure that solos are really where Rithy's skills lie. I mean, it's better than last week's showing, there's no doubt of that, but it still doesn't really move me in the way that I expect these "dance for your life" routines to. <i>[I preferred last week's - Chris]</i> There is also no evidence of her grabbing her crotch at the judges this week. <i>[This is why - Chris] </i>Shane's solo is to 'Red' by Daniel Merriweather, and is much of the same athletic, backflipping, pirouetting shirtlessness we saw last week. The audience resume those annoying countdowns of the final seconds, despite having done so well so far this series. SIGH. Alice is next, dancing to 'Hurt' by Xtina, doing some impressive contemporary moves. Maybe I just have slightly more of a point of reference for contemporary than I do for hip-hop, but I thought Alice's solo was better than Rithy's, and I say that as someone who would choose Rithy over Alice in a heartbeat in pretty much any other situation. Alice gets a bit confused at the end and goes over to Cat, who ushers her off the other side of the stage. Finally we have Charlie, who starts in some kind of ungodly position on the floor, causing Cat to bend over and check if he's ready. (Oh, get your minds out of the gutter.) He's dancing (well, contorting) to 'Kickstarts' by Example, and the moves that he's pulling off are indeed impressive, but they do seem to be the same few moves repeated quite frequently. Oh, and he appears to have ripped the seam of his trousers at the crotch in the process. So yeah, if it were down to me, based on the above I'd save Alice and Shane, but we'll see what the judges decide shortly. <i>[If you thought Rithy and Shane was a height mis-match, just IMAGINE Alice and Shane! Wacky fun! - Chris]</i><br /><br />Cat reminds us that the judges will be deliberating over who to send home for the next few minutes, and while Nigel is busy looking very Serious Business and writing notes, Louise is looking benign and Sisco is looking anxious, Arlene is totally laughing behind her hand at Charlie's ripped trousers. I love Arlene so much.<br /><br />To fill time while the judges deliberate, it's The Wanted. This is blatantly a pre-record, because there's a live band behind them that wasn't there about 10 seconds ago. I know pretty much nothing about The Wanted, so I'm totally going to flamebait myself by saying that one of them is about six and they don't appear to have one personality to share between the five of them. Fortunately, I know enough to recognise that the songs that they're medlifying are 'Heart Vacancy', 'Gold Forever, and 'All Time Low' (with some very squeaky harmonies), in that order. Presumably they received a Cease And Desist from Kings of Leon to stop them from doing 'Lose <strike>Somebody</strike> My Mind'.<br /><br />Cat pretends that they're still here and applauds them before welcoming in the four dancers awaiting to learn their fate. We're starting with Alice and Rithy, and Nigel says that it's a tough decision tonight, because he doesn't think that they should all necessarily be in the bottom two. Alice is called forward and told that she doesn't seem to be making a mark, because none of the judges could remember anything she's done prior to this point. <i>[Which obviously is entirely her fault - Chris] </i>Poor Invisible Alice. The judges don't understand why Rithy is not pulling in the votes, leading Nigel into an odd little tangent about whether she has any relations in this country (she doesn't, so Nigel suggests she get someone to adopt her). Alice is called forward again, and told she'll be going home tonight. Alice, to her credit, clearly saw that one coming given that the summary of her contribution to the show thus far was "who are you? How did you get in?" and takes it like a trouper. Cat asks Alice how she feels, and Alice replies that she believes Rithy will win <i>[*FALLS OVER LAUGHING LIKE SCALLY JUST GOT ELIMINATED* - Chris]</i>, and Rithy's going to take her to LA, so it's all fine. Yep, nothing says "sure-fire winner" like being bottom two with the public in the second and third weeks consecutively. Or, indeed, being from Brazil. Alice cries a little bit and says she feels stupid for doing so, at which point Cat rather overcompensates by being all "you're not stupid, you're INCREDIBLY TALENTED." Alice goes on to thank Kenrick the choreographer, because she knew that even if she went home this week, she was going to have a blast with his routine. Then there's a bit of mistiming fun where Cat goes in to give her a hug and a kiss and Alice sticks her hands up at the same time and almost punches Cat in the face. Hee. Poor Cat, she always seems to be narrowly missing the end of someone's limbs.<br /><br />Charlie and Shane are called over, and Nigel calls Shane forward first, saying that despite his obvious talent, he's not connecting with the audience and wonders what's missing. A UK passport? No, apparently it's personality, which Charlie has in spades, as he is called forward to hear his feedback. Nigel calls him "a charming little scamp" and wishes they could somehow create some kind of Frankenstein's dancer out of the two of them with personality and technique. Nigel doesn't think Charlie is growing fast enough, and while he's unique, he doesn't have the skills that a lot of the others have, and it's a big ask for him to do what the others do, even though that's the entire point of the show and they knew that when they picked him for the Top 20. Charlie is sent home "with our best wishes" to protect the integrity of the programme or some shit, and Shane looks almost as upset about this as Charlie does. Cat tells Charlie he did really well to get this far, and a lost-for-words Charlie says that he's learned so much from everyone and he very classily thanks the judges for the opportunity to "do my stupid stuff on TV." Bless. Cat, in much the same way as she was with Alice, is all "DEFINITELY SPECIAL AND NOT STUPID."<br /><br />Cat calls Alice back over to join Charlie, and beckons the Top 14 to join her on stage as well. She tells us that this is usually the end of the show, but tonight we have a shock announcement, courtesy of Nigel. Nigel says that it's always a sad night when two dancers go home, and that will not happen next week...because next week FOUR dancers are going home, bitches. Two boys, and two girls. Katie looks glum, while Scally looks like she just barfed in her hand. Cat asks Sisco what the remaining contestants can do to ensure they're not in danger next week, and Sisco very helpfully tells them not to sleep, but to do That Thing That We're Refusing To Quote several times. Nigel, on the other hand, tells them to get lots of rest and eat the right food. We're on earlier next week because of the Eurovision Song Contest which will probably send the ratings even further into the toilet, but nonetheless, Chris and I will be here to bring you every little detail. See you then!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-50650839840520819452011-05-08T12:28:00.005+01:002011-05-08T19:13:38.031+01:00So You Think You Can Take Israel's Mum? I doubt it.<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 16: 7th May 2011</span><br /><br />Last week : Katrina Ballerina married MattFlintMania and hence became the Yoko of the show ; Katya Virshilas turned up and choreographed a couple of ballroom routines like she was still working with Gavin Henson ; the judges treated Tom, Israel and Lee-Boy like they weren't fit to breathe the same air as their partners (get used to it boys...) ; Team Raggy Doll/Rocket did some authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood ; Danielle and Luke came to blows ; someone called Supple turned up and ruined things for everyone by choreographing an INTENSELY HOMOEROTIC hip-hop routine between Shane and RuPaul's Drag Rithy, which freaked the public out so much that they almost ended up going home.<div><br /></div><div>Oh and Gian Luca was Italian. DID THEY MENTION THIS?</div><div><br /></div><div>This week : Lee-Boy knees a random in the face, AndrogyLee kicks Kirstie in the head, and MattFlintMania finally snaps and punches Scally in the face. It's Domestic Violence Week on...</div><div><br /></div><div>SONIA BRAGA CAN DANCE! (all credit to Joel of Bitch Factor for that one. If you have any alternative lyrics you sing during the credits, please let us know. God, I feel like I'm <span style="font-style: italic;">Going Live! </span>now).</div><div><br /></div><div>We start with a group routine, to "You Can't Stop The Beat" from Hairspray, aka Austin's Jive song. It's like they're inviting comparisons they can't live up to isn't it? All the girls are Doris Day, and all the men are in pink (Angry Luke, AndrogyLee, Lee-Boy, Shane) (I wonder how Lee-Boy feels being on Team Gay there?) or yellow (Charlie Whee!, Tapper Tom, Tapper Matt, Israel) shirts, white belts and ball-crushing jeans, with their hair done up to Max Headroom. Well except Israel, and Tapper Tom, who is of course sporting his usual cropped look. Frankly I'm surprised at this point he's not sporting a dunce-cap and a sandwich board saying "I Am Shit" as determined by wardrobe.</div><div><br /></div><div>OK, so if I'm ranking quiffs (and I am) :</div><div><br /></div><div>1. Charlie Whee! (lush, soft, architecturally magnificent)</div><div>2. AndrogyLee (the most redolent of Elvis Presley, whilst also being impressively like a poodle.)</div><div>3. Angry Luke (rocking the blonde quiff, which is not an easy look, because it can so easily go Mr Whippy) [<span style="font-style: italic;">Or make him look like he's the new host of Scratchy & Co - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div>4. MattFlintMania (A bit Mr Gay UK circa 1998)</div><div>5. Lee-Boy (Pretty much the same as always, but trying a bit harder)</div><div>6. Shane (plastic-fantastic greasy looking nightmare)</div><div>DNF : Tapper Tom/Israel</div><div><br /></div><div>Everyone swings around incredibly sloppily, and at the end they all get in formation and jive out, with Cabbage Alice leading the way. I think this is Cabbage Alice's one moment of glory in this entire show actually. I hope she looks back on it with pride. Tells her grandkids and that. [<span style="font-style: italic;">She really was very good in this whole number. Well done Alice. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Once they're done (with Tapper Tom throwing an amazing and appropriate "Word Life" pose at the end) Cat stomps out in lens-flare red, yelling "QUIFFTASTIC!" and talking about their being no ozone layer left over Shepherd's Bush tonight. Because of all the hairspray. And not at all through all the pollutants that the judges produce every time they open their mouths. She tells us all that Giant Lady was the mind behind that performance, as we cut to the woman herself in the audience. Flanked by Karen Hardy. [<span style="font-style: italic;">OTP <3 - Steve</span>] Can't hardly wait.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat then tells us that tonight is a night much like any other night on So You Think You Can Dance UK? The eight couples will dance, there will be a bottom 2, two of the four in the bottom two will go home. Also, couples will be portraying a bunch of WACKY characters. Can you remember some of the WACKY characters we've had this series? Mostly vampires admittedly, but also a Bollywood Prince (ZANY!) and a hip-hop robot (who was that?). AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET MORE MENTAL! Also there will be some dancing. But mostly KERRAZY CHARACTERS! Next week Angry Luke's coming as a Gay Spanish Robot Pterodactyl With An Ear Fetish And A Complicated Relationship With His Father. Called Juan. BEST BROADWAY EVER. [<span style="font-style: italic;">That, incidentally, is also the plot to every single episode of Lost. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Judges time now - Sisco is described as "the best dressed man in that seat", and it's still incorrect (he's come as a bondage Papa Lazarou), Louise is described as "gorgeous" which is more true this week than it has been, Arlene is bigged up as having both seen it and done it (I'll say), and Nigel is described as a man, a myth, and a legend. Sadly not as the "holder of the idiot stick" this week (Pre-emptive : "ANN WIDDECOMBE?!"), which might have been a help.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel is asked if tonight is a clean slate for the couples, or if past performances will be taken into account. Nigel replies "it doesn't matter, we're just going to give EXACTLY the same comments as last week, except maybe we're going to pretend that Angry Luke and Danielle are in love, because we're bored". Oh alright, he says that it's never a clean slate, because they always have to be monitoring the growth of these people. Monitoring their growth? Sounds...cancer-y Nigel, nice choice of words. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe he meant stubble growth? I bet Nigel's keeping a very close eye on the girls' underarms. - Steve</span>] Arlene is asked what makes the perfect dance partnership - Arlene replies that we have to believe that these people really care about and support each other (because that way it's easier to make out like they're having a potentially ratings-grabbing showmance). They also need a thirst for mastery of genres apparently. Cat witters on about the answer being "indefinable chemistry" like she didn't just ask Arlene to define it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise and Sisco don't get asked anything, which is a shame, because I can certainly think of a few questions. Mostly "why?"</div><div><br /></div><div>First up this week are Angry Luke and Danielle, who are dancing paso doble. Cat tells us all that after only three weeks together, it's apparently time for Danielle to meet Luke's family. Angry Luke looks in pain. I HEAR WEDDING BELLS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU! </div><div><br /></div><div>We're reminded at VT open that last week Angry Luke and Danielle did a well-received boxing routine, which apparently Danielle loved. She says this whilst stood in the Docklands dressed in furs. This is never explained. I was hoping that we would be getting an actual hooker-prostitute themed paso doble (it is Karen Hardy, don't tell me that she wouldn't). We're also reminded that Nigel didn't particularly like them last week, but expressed this mostly by talking about wrestling/boxing/ultimate fighting championship like my nan. ("Is this a real one or is this a fake one?" - as someone hits someone in the head with a chair). So nobody really cared.</div><div><br /></div><div>We're shown their Totally Random Dance Pick, with Angry Luke pulling out Paso Doble and then making bull horns at Cat and a madly skirt swishing Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty, but not at Danielle, because he might go too far and actually prong her with a pinkie in a sudden FIT OF ANGRY LUKE RAGE. He interviews that they had Latin in week 1 and it didn't go down well then, so hopefully this will go better. I cannot believe these two are about to beat the Latin Curse again. And they also beat the rapidly mounting Commercial Curse. What gives? Are they magic?</div><div><br /></div><div>Not magic enough to avoid a "Meet The Parents" segment, as they travel up to Leicester so Angry Luke (looking smoking hot in glasses it has to be said) can parade Danielle around like livestock to his family and she can maybe get some understanding as to why he is how he is. I hope they go up to his teenage bedroom and read through all the plays he wrote. Anyway, he kind of disinterestedly points her at people whilst his entire adorable family talk about how amazing he is and ignore her existence. A whole army of brothers snorfle at how Luke is clearly the best even though he hasn't used any of their dance moves yet (Angry Luke : WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR THINGS? *flounce* *flounce* *flounce* *SLAM*) and Danielle lies that she definitely feels at home and Luke looks at her indulgently and mildly patronisingly. A cute child then eats camera.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the studio Karen Hardy tells us all that she's very excited to be choreographing a paso doble, as it is about PASSION and HATE and FIGHTING, which are all very much things Karen Hardy is about (as Arlene will discover in the car-park later as a warning just in case she thinks she can fill Alesha's soon to be vacant chair on Strictly again). Karen makes a lot of grunting noises, and then, in the most terrifying moment of TV history, plonks Danielle on the floor, stares into her eyes and says with a hint of menace "we need to talk about making you into more of a woman". BRING OUT THE STRAP-ON! NO VIRGINS IN KAREN HARDY'S DANCE CLASS! We don't see the deflowering, but Karen says they were too fluffy and nice to start with (Angry Luke? Really?) and now they're not, so I'm guessing it was SPECTACULAR.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and it's very clear very quickly that by "more of a woman", Karen Hardy meant "Karen Hardy", as Danielle is a full-on Mini Me for her. The black hair, the eye make-up, the heels, everything. Totally Karen Hardy. They're both doing their paso thing to Tetsujin, which is from the soundtrack to one of the shit Matrix films (ie all of them, but in this case one of the last two). Certainly from the looks of it, Angry Luke's home-visit has topped up his anger levels, as he is now FURIOUS, leaping around like a demon and staring at Danielle like he wants to hate-shag her to death. Danielle for her part gives it a go, and whilst she's not quite as convincingly ragey as Luke, who is? </div><div><br /></div><div>Overall I think it's my favourite routine of the night, just for the sheer Karen Hardy overblown angryness of it all, although they do both perform it well. I, in my ignorance of TRUE PASO DOBLE, miss a little bit of the caping that's been sacrificed so that we can see right up Danielle's minge, but if it gets them votes, so be it. In the end, Danielle is sacrificed on the alter of Furious Luke's Furious Boner in a very Karen Hardy sexy way, and the nation waits on their tender hooks to see if he's actually murdered her or not. Not this time nation, not this time.</div><div><br /></div><div>As they totter over to the judges, and Luke stops seeing shapes, Cat sarkies that she thinks there could have been a more dramatic way to open the show possibly. We're quarter of an hour in Cat - the show opened with Shane's quiff. It turns out in interview that somewhere in that sex-crime, Danielle has lost a bracelet. And a stocking. And probably about a pound of hair from Luke ripping it out her scalp maybe. Whatever Danielle, fame costs, and this is where you start paying in bangles. Arlene is first for the judges, and has successfully identified that there was sexual content in that routine, so she's happy. She praises their Spanish Lines and then z-snaps them and says "bang on, kids!". Bless.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, and says the routine was like watching an epic movie, with all the drama and the passion. That was a great way to open the show and set the bar. Sisco bugs his eyes out in disbelief that suddenly, out of nowhere, this couple have chemistry. And all it took was a routine where it looked like Luke wanted to murder her with his penis. Who knew? Nigel closes by saying he loved it, but then praises entirely Karen Hardy and Danielle & Luke barely at all. Karen was on Strictly for 5 seasons ("series" Nigel, and it was 4), she's even won it once (oh God, don't set her off), and he would like to shag her. Thanks Nigel. </div><div><br /></div><div>Danielle and Angry Luke talk about how great it was, how this was their favourite routine, and it was really great to finally find their connection. I still say they hate one another.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel, and ANOTHER "Meet The Parents" segment. Joy. Oh and Israel is wearing the wide-open billowing white shirt of Boring Contemporary, so I'm setting my phasers to "coma" already. </div><div><br /></div><div>The VT opens by reminding us that their terrible hip-hop last week got the terrible reviews it deserved. Israel complains that the judges are as tough as they said they were going to be, and Bethany-Rose shrugs that she thinks they did the best they could ([silent] - given the choreography[/silent]). We're then reminded that the judges said that they were in danger until it was guaranteed they'd be safe, and then they were. Bethany-Rose says that this was a real wake-up call and now they're going to show the judges just how good they can be. Woo.</div><div><br /></div><div>We're shown them drawing Contemporary, and then being quite happy about this to say the least. In the dance studio Bethany-Rose talks about how this is a routine full of anger and emotions, and she's really glad that both she and Israel will be able to show their sensitive sides this week, as it's just been upbeat and fun til now, and how boring that is. I will say that of all the couples I think this one is right up there in terms of them actually liking one another and it being obvious, if you're looking for reasons why they're continuing to get votes despite dancing...like they're about to.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh yeah, another "Meet The Parents" bit. This time it's Bethany-Rose being inducted into Israel's clan in some restaurant somewhere. He mugs to camera that he thought this was just going to be a quiet occasion, as they walk through the door and about 10,000 people all scream at him from beneath the tables of a fish and chip shop. Israel calls them all "peoples" as he introduces Bethany-Rose to them, and his dad is super-cute with her, and already this feels warmer than Luke's house. She gets many hugs, and then Israel's mum sits them down in a corner for a council of war over a battered saveloy. She gives them a big Churchillian war-speech about believing in themselves and knowing they can do it - increasingly jabbing the air and getting animated before she rouses the entire restaurant to scream to the heavens for Bethany-Rose and Israel. Bethany-Rose nods throughout like everyone does when they meet their partner's parents for the first time. Israel's face reads "Oh, Mum..." throughout.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, and they're dancing to that Adele song that's been everywhere now that's basically "You Oughtta Know" for librarians. The musical equivalent of drunk-dialling but not even bothering to do anything interesting with it. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Or as I like to call it 'No Really, I'm Fine, Your Happiness In No Way Makes Me Miserable And I'm Definitely Not Being a Rancid Passive-Aggressive Arsehole About It, I'll Just Be Sobbing Quietly Over Here But It's Not Your Fault Or Anything'. God, I loathe Adele. She makes Taylor Swift look emotionally mature. - Steve</span>] So already I'm a bit iffy. Bethany-Rose is really good - not quite Katie Love levels of contemporary dance, but certainly up there considering she's a jazz dancer. Israel on the other hand feels a bit lost. He's pretty wobbly throughout, and his physical and facial expressions don't really go beyond "kicked puppy". I get that that's appropriate for the song, and the routine is pretty confused, with who's leaving who changing about every 5 seconds, but he seems pretty weak out there. It's a shame, because she deserved far more criticism last week than he did and didn't get any, but he deserves quite a lot of what's about to come to him.</div><div><br /></div><div>When they're finished, Cat shuffles over to Bethany-Rose saying that she's not to worry, Israel isn't REALLY walking out on her. Well he wasn't for half the routine either, but there we are. Nigel starts by asking who it was at the end of their VT, giving them the best advice they'll ever hear. Cat replies that it was Israel's mum. Israel's mum then rises from her seat in the audience to give them the second best advice they'll ever hear in their lives : "COME ON BLERRGH MURRRRRRRR GWARRRRRRRRN!". Nigel then goes on to praise them both for their confidence and faith in one another, particularly given that Israel has had much less training than Bethany-Rose. (Hilariously, Nigel blatantly tries to get Israel to say that he only started getting proper training like, a week ago, and Israel ignores the bait). He was credible, that's for sure. Nigel closes by saying that they were both as brave as the actual Dambusters tonight. O...k.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco next, who praises Bethany-Rose to the hilt, before saying that Israel is making progress, but his torso still doesn't contract, and he still isn't really (*word redacted*). This kicks off a lot of hissing and booing from the audience, and Louise to interject flapping her arms all over the place. Sisco tells her to shut up before he slaps her (...), and then carries on talking about how rude everyone is for interrupting him. Nigel mugs to the audience and tries to get them to boo more, before he gets into a fight with Sisco WRT how fast Israel is improving and whether that's enough. So panto. Louise follows saying that Israel lifted like a pro, and she takes back any and all criticism she's made of him ever, signed Louise. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cat closes by asking Israel's mum to scream at the judges. She does so. Cat grins that this is all very much like the elections that we just had. It certainly feels about as dignified and pointful as the AV election. THE MONEY YOU SPEND ON VOTING FOR ISRAEL COULD BUY A NEW ANTE-NATAL CARE UNIT. CUT IT OUT, YOU'RE KILLING OUR BRAVE BOYS WITH THIS NONSENSE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Alice and Charlie Whee!, both dressed up vaguely military style. Cat says that this week they've joined the SAS, which is short for "Sweating and Struggling". For the all-girl dance-troupe at my Uni it stood for "Sexy and Single". In the real world it means "Special Air Service. I kind of wish that it stood in this context for "Sisco and Silence".</div><div><br /></div><div>We're reminded of last week's performance in their VT, specifically Charlie showing the judges that "contortion breakdancers can do other things". Personally I never had many thoughts either way about the versatility of contortion breakdancers, but I guess that's why I'm not a judge. That and being TOO REAL FOR THEM OH YEAH I SAID IT. Alice has a bit of a whinny in her VT segment about how she feels like she's in Charlie's shadow a little bit, and wants to break out. Ah, the fodder kraken awakes. In context of this "wanting to outshine her partner" set-up she does awfully well not to burst into tears when she pulls hip-hop, which is nominally Charlie's genre, out of the CatBox. Instead she gamely grins and says that she hopes that this means she gets to show off her fiery personality which no-one has seen because she's only done elegant routines up to now (/because she's the most under-the-radar contestant on this show apart from the Sooper-Sekrit 11th couple : Invisible Betty and AnonyBob.)</div><div><br /></div><div>In training they do a lot of what look like "It Ain't 'Alf Hot Mum" gang-show arms, as their choreographer, named Kenrick, tells us all that their characters are going to be running an MI5 secret agent assault course. James Bond and Spooks have a lot to answer for in terms of people thinking this is what spies actually do. You wouldn't get Anna Chapman running up and down an assault course unless it was for a sooper-sexy FHM Russia shoot in her bra and panties. Kenrick gives us advance notice that he is going make Alice and Charlie both cry and sweat, so they know how the audience feel watching this show every week.</div><div><br /></div><div>There then follows "Fix Up, Look Sharp" on the soundtrack so I'm happy. Dizzee Rascal always makes everything better. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Everything apart from Band Aid 20, although that was pretty much unsalvageable from the get-go, so I'll let him off. - Steve</span>] Kenrick says that he's not here to make friends (hint Kenrick : you're a choreographer, not a contestant) and Charlie and Alice both bond over what an unbearable pushy nightmare he is. Kenrick closes by saying that he's more impressed with Alice than he is with Charlie, as he forces Alice to do 10 push-ups for the fifteenth time today, for no reason. Let's see what benefit all this has had shall we?</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, and the whole thing is covered in great scads of camouflage netting. After the relatively prop-free first couple of routines, we are back on familiar territory here with a VENGEANCE. Charlie and Alice BUST through the netting and perform the least aggressive aggressive hip-hop routine I've ever seen. Basically the theme is a couple of recruits scrapping playfully with one another on an assault course to Kanye, constantly jostling and leaping on top of one another and trying to out-do the other. The problem is that they're both, Charlie especially, really really soft. I'm not saying they have to hit as hard as Rithy, because they might dislocate something, but it's so soft it's pretty much butter. Charlie throws a few tricks in there here and there, which all get a mild woo but nothing too overwhelming. They're also out of time with one-another, a lot.</div><div><br /></div><div>Towards the end, just as I'm about to declare Alice better, they both climb on boxes and do some seated stuff, closing with Alice...just spinning around on her hands for a good 5 seconds like a 4 year old trying to get up for a handstand and failing. It's so sad I have to watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvVN16t7cIY">Legacy</a> about five times to calm down again. Oh well.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over to the judges, as Cat declares herself scared by Alice still being in character. It is pretty terrifying. Sisco starts for the judges by saying that he was sceptical when Crazy Ol'Man Kenrick said in the VT that Alice was out-doing Charlie, but after seeing that he agrees. If Charlie hadn't done a front-sommersault mid-way through, he wouldn't even have noticed him. Alice is BACK IN THE GAME! Was Alice ever in the game? Really? Ever? Come on now.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene then SLAMS her hands down on the desk, and says that he is Mr Chalk and she is Mrs Cheese, because he was behind the music and she was ahead of the music, so not only were they not in time, they were not in time by the Gulf of Mexico. She then proclaims Charlie to be her weak (/moist) spot, because she always loves him no matter how he dances, because he really feels the music. Alice on the other hand rushed it and wasn't authentically hip-hop. Sisco then disagrees noisily and does a swagger dance and says that as the arbiter of hip-hop, he proclaims Arlene wrong. Arlene claps her hands and points everywhere and is incoherent. These judges tonight are just...blah.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat then says that it's time for Louise's opinion (is it? is it ever?), and Louise says that she is both staying out of it and agreeing with Arlene. Alice came across like a try-hard and hip-hop needs the more laid back cool vibe that Charlie brought to the routine. Sisco starts blathering about how THE NAME OF THE TRACK WAS POWER AND SHE GAVE IT POWER. I didn't notice him critiquing Katie Love last week when she singularly failed to actually try sleeping with a broken heart mid-routine. Nigel finishes, as the Cat-designated "man on the street" (don't worry Cat, even with this show being a bust, American Idol's doing alright for itself. The mansion's safe yet), saying that neither of them had enough swagger, or as he used to call it "cockiness". Charlie in particular was too floppy, and they were out of time.</div><div><br /></div><div>As Cat reads out their number, Alice kind of pushes herself completely in front of Charlie and winks at the camera. I hope this is just a minor combination of awkward coincidences and she's not actually getting pushy, because I like Cabbage Alice in all her fodder-ness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Lee-Boy and Katie Love, dressed like an advert for a 1920s murder-mystery hotel weekend and three course meal, as Cat informs us that this week they've found themselves on the Most Wanted list. Is it for trying to force that "Team LoveLees" name on us all?</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, both of them gush about how much they loved the Contemporary routine, and Katie Love says that she's so proud of Lee and that he looked like a real contemporary dancer out there. Also when they hug and dance and congratulate themselves on being amazing backstage, Katie Love's hand is RIGHT on Lee's arse with a quickness. If they hadn't so assiduously pressed on us during the Kate Prince Breakfast Show routine that they didn't have any feelings for one another, I'd say they were shagging. Actually, scratch that, they're dancers, what do feelings have to do with any of this? They're definitely shagging.</div><div><br /></div><div>At the CatBox reveal, they pull out Jazz, and Lee-Boy looks not terribly impressed to be honest. Katie Love demands that he give her jazz-hands, more jazz-hands, BETTER JAZZ HANDS LEE-BOY COME ON. I really enjoy Katie Love now - she's so exhausting. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Me too - she's a lot more entertaining than I thought she'd be. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>In the training room, Sean Cheesman shows his face again, saying that Katie Love and Lee-Boy's routine this week will be based on Bonnie & Clyde, who were apparently a pair of gangsters in the 1930s. Thank you, Sean Cheesman. Maybe he can come back every week with a new history lesson for us. I guess this makes MattFlintMania John Dillinger and Charlie Whee! Pretty Boy Floyd. </div><div><br /></div><div>Training seems to going badly for the pair this week, particularly in the lifts, as there doesn't seem to be one attempt shown that doesn't end with someone being near-crippled. One poor lift in particular leaves Katie Love with a lot of back-pain, as Lee-Boy nail-chews to camera about having done the one thing he really didn't want to do - hurt Katie Love, and this has really knocked his confidence. Given that it appears to have knocked her vertebrae, he should probably consider himself lucky. They then give a really odd interview where Lee-Boy swears this was an accident, and Katie Love very solemnly says that yes, it was definitely an accident. Not jokily or being playfully sarcastic, but straight up serious. Does she think we might think he did it on purpose? I'm not that cynical. Well, not seriously anyway. Cheesman praises them both for continuing to try through all the stresses and strains, and Katie and Lee-Boy close very earnestly saying they are definitely going to do it this week. The routine that is.</div><div><br /></div><div>I swear, with all the family visits and "boot camps" and so on this week, it's weird to see a VT that feels not at all scripted. I'm not sure I like it. MORE FAKE RUBBISH PLEASE, SYTYCD.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and oddly enough the routine doesn't at all focus on the part of the Bonnie & Clyde story where he's repeatedly prison-raped until he switches off from society entirely, or where she gave up a promising life as a straight A-student because life in provincial Texas was too stifling and dead-end and small in order to run round shooting people in the face because it made her feel like a movie-star. Instead they focus on the part where they're all sexy and stuff and she waggles her tits and vagina about like they're really itchy. Sean Cheesman's history lessons are kind of basic like that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Katie Love is pure filth, and Lee-Boy acts like the wolf from the Droopy Dog cartoon, and that's about it. Some of the lifts go a tiny bit awry, with Lee-Boy munching on Katie Love thigh occasionally, but it's fine. The police come at the end and Bonnie & Clyde jump off-stage to their sexy deaths. Israel's dad gives them a standing ovation. God bless Israel's dad. Katie Love's posters read "I<3KT<3" which saves on printing costs if nothing else. How economical.</div><div><br /></div><div>Risen from the dead, they stomp over to Cat, and the camera works overtime to make both Katie and Lee's asses look as distracting as possible, if you are capable of being so distracted. Not saying I am. Louise starts for the judges, and that make-up bruise on her left cheek makes me increasingly worry that Sisco has in fact pimp-slapped her at some point off-camera. Get help Louise, even you deserve better than this. She says that Katie Love is amazing, and Lee really struggled with this genre sadly. Katie Love pulls an amazing "bitch please" face in response. Cat asks Lee-Boy how this makes him feel, like Louise's words could ever sting anyone any more than .3 of a paper-cut's amount, and he says that he was outside of his comfort zone, and he knew jazz would be a problem from the start. Still, he tried his best so... *woobie face*.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco follows, saying that he can't believe he's about to agree with Louise, but...he agrees with Louise. Lee needs to pick his own gravity up and be a bit more trust. Let's ask Louise if that's what she was saying shall we? Somehow I doubt it. Katie on the other hand makes him (*word redacted*) every week, and every week she serves. I would imagine that'll be true every week after the show as well, in a Harvester. (OH BURN). Arlene follows, saying that she is still in the middle of her love-affair with Katie Love and she blesses Katie Love for her faith in Lee, but Lee needs to start driving his body like he's a luxury car. Like an Austin Healey Arlene? (*Arlene's vagina essplodes*). She closes by saying that currently Lee is a bit more like an old banger.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel calls out Arlene on calling anyone else an old banger from her vantage point, and then says it's not Lee-Boy's fault he's paired with Girl-Jesus here. He'd probably look alright next to any of the other girls, but there's no comparison. He likes that Cheesman challenged Lee this week, but Lee really needed to step up more than he did. As Cat reads out the numbers, Katie Love offers her Lee's gangster hat to wear. Cat's demures, as any pressure on her forehead will probably leave a dent that she'll have to iron out with an actual clothes-iron later.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Katrina and Tom, who have apparently been skipping through rehearsal. Hooray! The genre of Skipping Games is here a week early! I hope they do Mary Mack or Bubblegum Bubbleg...oh wait, no, it's Quickstep.</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, Tom adorably doe-eyes about how hard he tried last week, to no avail. Arlene in particular was super-harsh on him (*kicked puppy, sad panda, mournful koala*). We're also reminded that last week also marked Katrina Ballerina touching Tapper Tom all over his face, which is really how all romances start isn't it? Only one week left after this one to consummate before you are TORN ASUNDER you two. Get on it. </div><div><br /></div><div>They draw a card from Cat's CatBox, with Tapper Tom pulling an anxious face the whole time. Cat asks why he's so on edge, it might be fine, and then draws out Quickstep. Everyone does that thing where they act like ballroom isn't the safest genre in the entire show, particularly Shane, and we cut immediately to Karen Hardy [<span style="font-style: italic;">yay! MOAR KAREN HARDY - Steve</span>], sunglasses on her forehead, also saying that Quickstep is SUPER-HARD. I at least find this more convincing than when they tried to pull it for the pigging foxtrot. She says that Tom and Katrina have got to be both light and fluffy, as they gallumph across the floor, landing more heavily than when Cat tries to make a joke. As a result, Karen sets them the training assignment of learning how to skip, and if they could do it in hold, that'd be great.</div><div><br /></div><div>Unfortunately for them, Karen Hardy's not holding no jump-ropes, they are despatched, dressed in 80s t-shirts, tiny shorts, and headbands to the local children's adventure playground, as Gold Dust by DJ Fresh plays on the soundtrack. It feels like whoever's soundtracking these VTs this week is trying to pass heavy hints with very sharp elbows to the people who pick the music-selections for the actual routines. They bounce up and down, simultaneously being in quickstep hold and double-dutching, and I'd almost watch this over the actual routine at this point. And not just for Tom bouncing up and down in tiny shorts. But mostly.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the floor, Cat proclaims that Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom will be performing a "quintessential quickstep" and is immediately proved a liar when the first few bars of "Let Me Entertain You" play through the speakers, before for some reason the whole thing goes mute and Tom and Katrina both quickstep in silence. Or at least that's how it worked on my TV. She's also proved a liar by the fact that, beyond a couple of (literally in a couple of cases) runs across the stage in hold, it's mostly solo stuff, in a Broadway sort of style, and some alright but a bit heavy lifts. Judging from the camerawork, I think the cameraman might actually be doing more quickstep than the dancers here. </div><div><br /></div><div>Katrina is lovely and imperfect as ever, and Tom is to be honest trying a little bit too hard to show personality. DON'T LISTEN TO THE JUDGES TOM, YOU'RE AMAZING JUST AS YOU ARE! Sigh. </div><div><br /></div><div>They go over to the judges, and Cat makes sure to check Katrina's shoes to ensure they're still properly on her feet. Cat's such a mum sometimes. Nigel starts for the judges, getting the most ridiculous he's ever been, saying that the point of this show is to removing people from the genres that they're experienced in and making them show their skills in other JAHN-RUHS (except MattFlintMania), and he didn't see enough Quickstep in there tonight. Which is fair enough, but then he starts implying that Tom did that worse than Ann Widdecombe on Strictly Come Dancing and then a red mist descends over my eyes and when I come too again there's a broken table and a dead pigeon and a lot of blood in my living room. As it does Karen's as she starts bellowing at Nigel from the audience. Cat looks livid quite frankly, and decides to bring Arlene in.</div><div><br /></div><div>And you know when we're bringing in Arlene Phillips FOR A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE AND CALM, that you're in trouble. ANN WIDDECOMBE?!</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene of course does what she's programmed to do, which is to say that Katrina was amazing and rose to the challenge given to her, just like she always does, and Tom was rubbish and out-matched by her. Someone in the audience bellows "SAME OLD STORY!" and "BORING!" which...pantomime booing is one thing but when the audience is actually shouting out "BORING!" I think you're on a level of actual trouble here in terms of saying exactly the same thing and praising exactly the same people week after week. Tom looks like he wants to cut a bitch. Louise closes with a pleasant lemon-sorbet cleansing burst of vapidity by saying that the routine made her smile and she would have enjoyed it if she was sat at home. For once Louise, thanks. Actual thanks. Cat makes a joke about Tom's VT headband, Tom is clearly too full of rage and too covered in sweat to reply gracefully, and they wander off, with Katrina giving Tom an awkward sideways glance as they go.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, Kirstie and AndrogyLee with her dressed as as glittery used condom and him as a nerd. Apparently they're dancing "Hollywood Hip-hop". Possibly about some lonely geek having a posh wank.</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, they both gush about how much they loved the Bollywood routine, and how much the audience loved it. We're also reminded that it rendered Sisco incoherent, which was frankly a blessing. Out of the CatBox they draw hip-hop, specifically "lyrical hip-hop" ie "contemporary to R & B music". AndrogyLee thinks that people will think "how is this one going to do hip hop?". I must admit, of all the pairings I would expect to do hip-hop well...this is not one of them. Then again, it'll probably be hip-hop where the entire routine is them hitting a hula-hoop with a stick whilst dressed as coot penguins, so why worry?</div><div><br /></div><div>Simeon Qsyea pops up now to tell us all that the story of the dance involving AndrogyLee and Kirstie is that of a geek who falls in love with a hot girl, but she's too good for him and at the end she disappears. This is the story of their routine EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK. It's not only the judges comments that have been getting repetitious. Kirsty's cute, but I don't need to see him lusting pathetically after her every time I turn this show on. Anyway, as AndrogyLee is playing a geek, obviously he is being made to wear glasses, and Kirstie giggles that AndrogyLee looks really hot in them. She is now officially Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty Who Has A Crush On Darlene From Roseanne. </div><div><br /></div><div>In training, AndrogyLee kicks Kirsty in the head repeatedly, and they're both very sweet about it. These two are so cute together. Simeon then explains to us all that Lyrical Hip-Hop involves a deep understanding of the lyrics of the track, and we then cut to Kirsty pointing at her face and honking "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!" as AndrogyLee falls about laughing in the background. I know she's going to get a lot of shit every time she brings up her deafness because she's "ZOMG MILKING TEH SYMPATHY VOTEZ!" but who could hate on her for that? That's just funny. She then very earnestly explains that she's partially deaf and relies on hearing the beat not listening to the words and wears hearing aids and yadda yadda but come on... "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS! HONK HONK!". Gold. AndrogyLee is really supportive and tells her she understands rhythm better than he does, and honestly, this is the one couple I'm not tired of as a couple yet (I think my OTP Katrina and Tom needs some time apart to really appreciate one another). I could watch them forever.</div><div><br /></div><div>So anyway, out on stage, and AndrogyLee is indeed a big old geek, sat at his laptop, disinterestedly tapping away on the verge of falling asleep (I can so identify at this point) when suddenly A GIANT GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM BEAMS IN FROM MARS AND BEGINS DANCING! AndrogyLee fumbles around for his glasses and does double-takes to a hip-hop beat whilst a giant laser Chewbacca head is projected onto the screen behind him and the GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM FROM MARS starts rolling round on the floor and miming and acting like it's a team captain on Give Us A Clue with Michael Parkinson. Then they run around making airplane arms, before the geek sits back down again, the GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM FROM MARS gives him a hug, then disappears below the desk. Then some sparks fly out of the geek's crotch and he starts tapping away mentally at his computer and staring in disbelief at thin air.</div><div><br /></div><div>When it's over, Simeon Qsyea gives a really half-hearted round of applause from the audience. Whatever Simeon, YOU WROTE THIS SHIT.</div><div><br /></div><div>(He was I think as good as he was ever going to be at this, and she had a nice attitude, but was out of time, and couldn't really get herself off the floor in anything like an elegant fashion. Still, GIANT GLITTERY CONDOM FROM MARS. Come on...)</div><div><br /></div><div>As they wander over, Cat burbles about how AnrogyLee has gone from glam-rock to "geek-chic". Which is a bit much, but given that the other option is to talk about what they've decked Kirsty out in, I can see why. Sisco starts for the judges, and says that that routine was clearly a load of old horse-feathers, but what he likes about these two is that they take whatever's given to them and turn it into gold (en glittery space condoms). Nigel follows, and says that the floor work was poor and someone was off the beat, and when Kirsty tried to get herself off the floor it was really heavy and awkward. One person boos and Nigels throws a shit-fit, yelling "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT'S BEING SAID! BOO BOO!". </div><div><br /></div><div>I hope whatever crawled up Nigel's ass and died this week has been passed out of his system by next Friday, because I can't deal with a Double Elimination AND him in this state at the same time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene closes by saying that the routine was "dull, dull, triple dull", which adding up makes it quintuple dull. She doesn't understand how anyone can dance to Bruno Mars and not express passion and excitement through every inch of their bodies. Erm...this is the Bruno Mars who's just released a track about scratching his balls, Arlene, yes? Anyway Arlene starts stroking herself and moaning about the "Nth Degree", and let's just move on shall we? Cat gives out the numbers, Kirsty is still a glittery gold space condom.</div><div><br /></div><div>Rithy and Shane are next, dressed as the Renaissance, and Cat tells us that, after their Bottom 2 appearance last week with their silent movie routine, they're coming back with a bang. Does this means they have actual guns? Cool. </div><div><br /></div><div>In VT, Shane and Rithy recall the nightmare that was last week, when they both struggled to get into character, their routine was criticised for lack of character, and that they then wound up "in the Danger Zone". I believe the show-approved term is now "Dancing For Your Life", for whatever reason Shane. Get on it. Rithy then says that she really hopes that this week they can make the public love them again. Oh Rithy, the public never loved you and never will. I don't understand it, but there we go. I'm already transferring my loyalties elsewhere because I can't stand the pain. Oh and then they draw the black spot (unless you have Angry Luke's Magic Curse-Defying Powers) of Commercial. Whoopie. This is like the last half-hour of Requiem For A Dream with how depressing it is. Can we cut to him having a limb amputated and her getting eaten by her fridge?</div><div><br /></div><div>Cheesman's back anyway, telling us that this week's Commercial routine is based around the idea of "Emperor's New Clothes" and it's more about the style and the story. Does this mean Shane's going to be naked? Have I in fact done enough perving this week? (Readership In Unison : YES). Anyway, whatever happens, Rithy is going to have to be girly and sexy and defy her tomboy leanings in order to tit around in a frock making dirty faces. This doesn't really seem to bother Rithy much and she does it without a struggle. I can't help feeling it might have been better for her votes (/vote) if she'd pretended it had been.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next Rithy and Shane make doe-eyes at one another and say that they've been through so much together that they've really bonded, and their partnership now feels like a marriage. Can you imagine the children? The gorgeous, gorgeous children? Sigh. Obviously a turkey baster would be involved at some point because...you know...but it's a beautiful dream. Anyway, yadda yadda, we're so in sync, blah blah, some bickering but we love one another really, ying yang, not getting divorced yet, tum-ti-tum fodder VT interviews 4eva, let's get to the dancing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Which is apparently to "Slow" by Kylie. Hmm. Rithy starts looking very "Emperor's New Drag Queen", powdered and wigged and made up to the eye-balls, pulling sexy lines with very muscular shoulders behind an elaborate dress, then dismounts and she and Shane do a whole lot of nothing in elaborate corsetry. This is pretty much the opposite of the last routine, in that they're both looking gorgeous (him especially) (Readership In Unison : WE SAID ENOUGH WITH THE PERVING ALREADY!), but the routine is a whiter shade of beige. Lots of rolling around on the floor, lots of geometric and gynaecological lifts. Lots of sex-face, but ultimately pretty cold. Maybe Cheesman was taking the brief of "Emperor's New Clothes" to its logical narrative conclusion, but there's nothing here I was remembering even whilst I was looking at it. I think it broke my short-term memory briefly. It ends with Rithy climbing back inside her Renaissance shell, and I kind of wonder if it even happened.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over to the judges, and Cat burbles to Rithy about how it's amazing that she went from being a proper hip-hop girl last week (you know, when she was Charlie Chaplin) to being a sex-kitten this week. Shane also still exists.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene starts for the judges saying that she's trying to get the image of the thigh-to-thigh head spin out of her head. It was amazing. I can't say as I disagree, because I would have to remember it happening. The editors even show us a clip and I'm coming up with nothing. Arlene tells Rithy that she could dance the phone directory and she'd still drool over it (...you don't say) and Shane was doing the best work he's ever done outside of his solo last week, but she doesn't think he can do a contraction. DO A CONTRACTION SHANE! Shane does a contraction. Arlene pops a £5 note into his g-string.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel follows up by saying that he's so glad that Rithy is dressed as a girl again after last week (ciscentric bastard) and that he doesn't understand why this pair were in the bottom two last week, and this week was even better, so he CERTAINLY hopes it doesn't happen again. Maybe try not comparing other dancers to Ann Widdecombe then Nigel? Maybe? We close with Louise being asked if she has any constructive criticism to offer. She tells Rithy that she is amazing and sexy and perfect and beautiful and stunning and so versatile, but she might want to practice moving around in heels a bit more. Shane continues to also exist.</div><div><br /></div><div>(I'm going to stop with the "how to get votes for Rithy and Shane" stuff at some point soon, maybe in time for the London Olympics, but as people are voting for pairs, it might be helpful to acknowledge that they are one).</div><div><br /></div><div>Last up are Scally and MattFlintMania, dressed like Mirror-Universe Hindley & Brady where they were super-nice and ran a sweet shop. They're doing Broadway, although apparently not with Giant Lady, despite her being in the audience, so I'm going to deem it "Lyrical Broadway".</div><div><br /></div><div>Their VT cuts in, with Scally saying that during rehearsals on Friday Matt dropped her on her head, and she went dizzy and couldn't see much. Which was not the best preparation for the routine. Still, on the night they danced it the best they've ever danced it, so in the end, it was all for the best, even if she drops dead of a brain-bleed in nine months time. SACRIFICING HERSELF FOR HER DANCE. IF SCALLY WERE EVER A SWEET GIRL IT'S GONE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Out of the CatBox they draw Broadway, after Matt Flint mock-threatens Scally to pick a decent genre this time. Otherwise she'll be DROPPED ON HER HEAD AGAIN and probably pick up the ability to speak Spanish and needle-point. Let's keep banging Scally on the head like a detuned radio until the result is tolerable. Come Sunday she toddles off to hospital to learn from the doctors if she's allowed to dance. She is. Hooray.</div><div><br /></div><div>In training, their choreographer, the fairly scary looking Bill Deamer tells us all that this is a very traditional Broadway routine, redolent of the 1930s and 1940s. I can't wait for Rithy to very conveniently draw out the hip-hop routine next week, followed by Simeon Qsyea coming in saying that he's suddenly decided to do a routine centred around a Brazillian tom-boy and her friend who stands around her with his shirt off. There's a designated prop (a case) that Scally claims got Matt more and more excited until he had to elbow her in the face. We see the offending incident, after which Charlotte cooks a perfect souffle, solves Fermat's Last Theorem, and asks that someone put flowers on Algernon's grave. She then punches Matt in the face and giggles like a 2 year old. Matt then gurgles like a toddler and announces "of course Matt and Charlotte can do it", in a CBeebies voice like he's talking about potty training. So tiring. So very very tiring.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, and the theme of the routine is "newlyweds on honeymoon, probably in Bridlington or something" and they're dancing to "Sing Sing Sing" aka "Denise Lewis' Quickstep song" which is a memory I will treasure forever. The routine is very very fast paced and cheery and bouncy and very enjoyable indeed. I've always thought Matt was one of the better male dancers even if this pairing does give me the squits, and tonight is the first time I think he's really excelled. He's just so in sync with the music and the feel of the piece. Her I'm still less keen on, to put it mildly, but it's definitely enough to be the second best routine of the night.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over to the judges, with Nigel and Arlene giving a standing ovation, Louise bobbing up and down like a buoy, and Sisco resolutely sat down. To be fair, if Sisco stood up all those bondage straps he's wearing would probably tear his clothes to shreds and we don't want that do we no we don't. Cat squawks and giggles at them that they've certainly packed light - those suitcases wouldn't even hold her make-up. You don't say Cat?</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel starts for the judges by staying that they got a standing O from them, by which he means himself. He then lists everyone who was ever in a film between 1930 and 1943. It's quite a list. He tells MattFlintMania that he is without question the best man in the competition, and what Scally lacks for in technique she makes up for in personality. Arlene says it was stupid-fast and she felt all the razzle-dazzle of Broadway in the studio. Louise follows up by saying that she's been struggling to say anything critical all night, but even with that in mind these two are the front-runners for the competition by far. Sisco closes by saying that there's nothing they can't do, and that they're the front-runners of the competition by far. They both gush and grin and toddle off happily. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cat informs us that that's it, and that all the couples have danced, but Matt & Scally didn't get enough of a bum-licking there, so before the recap, we're going to ask the judges their opinions on the night. Arlene's first and continues to gush more sacrificial blood all over the altar of MattFlintMania, then says she can think of a few couples who might be in danger, but it's not necessarily because of the couple, more one person within that couple. In some cases. Tom. Not naming names or anything.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, and is asked if there were any surprises. She opens that obviously Matt and Charlotte being perfect wasn't a surprise, because they're always perfect, but it was really great that Danielle & Angry Luke finally managed to make their mutual loathing work for them. Except she calls them "Matt & Danielle" because...I'm sure you can fill in the gaps. Nigel is told that he's already said that he loves Matt & Charlotte, can you please say another couple just to make this whole segment a bit less tragic. He points out Bethany-Rose and Danielle, who aren't a couple per se, but also aren't men who aren't Matt, so why not? Speaking of men who aren't Matt, Sisco singles out Lee-Boy and Israel as being potentially in trouble, although he does throw one last noble roll of the dice after Shane & Rithy as being stand-outs, like that's going to make any difference.</div><div><br /></div><div>Recap now : Angry Luke evolving to his new Pokemon form of Furious Luke ; the programme getting its RDA (Recommended Dreary Adele) out of the way for another week ; Alice and Charlie being more MI : High than MI5 ; Kate Love & Lee-Boy going down in a hail of bullets ; something apparently worse than Ann Widdecombe ; the GIANT GLITTERY GOLDEN SPACE CONDOM FROM (BRUNO) MARS ; the Emperor's New Clothes ; a giant sign saying "MattFlintMania Just Won and there's still over a month of this crap left!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Results will follow. Apparently they featured The Wanted. Joy effulgent.</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-68513199126129148522011-05-01T12:25:00.008+01:002011-05-01T17:18:28.091+01:00So You Think You Can Blue? (Yes It Did)<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 18 Results: 30th April 2011</span><br /><br />Cat opens by telling us that 18 dancers are all waiting, hoping to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer, except probably Stephanie, who at this point's probably just hoping to last long enough to get a background role in the new production of Top Hat with Tom Chambers that's COMING SOON. GianLuca would be downhearted too but he's JUST SO FIERY AND ITALIAN that there's still hope burning in his FIERY AND ITALIAN bosom. Earlier they danced for our votes, but now, phone-lines are closed, and there is nothing more they can do. THIS IS SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!<div><br /></div><div>SUGAR FINGERS CAN DANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Once the anonymous opening credits dancers have done their thing, making me long that half of them were contestants rather than Scally, we're back in the room, and being re-introduced to our Top 18. Scally leaps on Matt from behind as he carries her around the stage (WHAT A VISUAL METAPHOR AMIRITE?) ; Lee-Boy grabs his crotch at Katie Love ; Kirsty and AndrogyLee whirl around whipping their hair back and forth like the 21st Century Team Rocket they totally are ; Bethany-Rose Lee kicks Israel in the face ; GianLuca stands stock still and pulls stupid faces as Stephanie does Hott Latin Action (what, again?) ; Tom tries his damnedest not to ask Katrina Ballerina SERIOUS QUESTIONS about what she was doing getting married to his arch-nemesis Matt Flint earlier; Charlie sticks his head in Alice's crotch and circuses about a bit; Shane & Rithy half-arse it because they just KNOW; Danielle and Angry Luke give one another the most violent and hateful hi-ten I've ever seen. SO MANY FEELINGS. I hope he turns her into Angry Danielle and they get the joint win and go to the US version and give everyone the finger for 90 seconds instead of dancing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Truly then the US viewers would get a REAL taste of So You Think You Can Dance UK.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat enters from backstage, wiggling her fingers and trying to do a spooky voice about it being the dreaded results show. Whooo! I'm more freaked out by her belt personally. It looks like it's about to actually slice her in half, leaving So You Think You Can Dance UK to be the very first UK reality show to be presented by a torso slab (if you don't count Davina obviously). She explains how the results format works, and re-introduces our judges. Sisco is still dressed as Treguard from Knightmare. Louise still looks like she's made her dress out of a bin-bag and spray-on snow. I'm really worried for Louise guys. I think we should stage an intervention. I think she's let her guard slip fatally with regards to not hating Sisco, and it's starting to damage her in her fashion place.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel and Cat bat back and forth about how it's now, at the arbitrary point of Top 18, that the competition gets REALLY tough. There's a bit of a dip coming soon, as Top 14 is Skipping Games Week, but then we pick up again by Top 10. Nigel tells us that whichever couples find themselves in the Bottom Two tonight will have to Dance For Their Lives in the solos, as that is what it's called. That place. It's called "DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE". Is it? First I've heard of it. Cat then chooses to get philosophical with Arlene, saying that they often talk about magical, indefinable, intangible qualities that get performers votes on shows like this, like smiling, getting a decent edit, being British, and having a penis. Where does Arlene think this comes from? Arlene replies that she gets hers from smoking the contents of a hoover bag. Well actually she says that it comes from "catching someone's eye", but I think my answer for her makes as much, if not more, sense. She then waffles on about standing out in group routines, like that's not down to choreographical choices like, say, being cast as the BRIDE AND GROOM in a wedding-themed routine. For example. Just saying. </div><div><br /></div><div>(Oh alright, for balance's sake also like being propelled through the air as a sexy vampire wiping away sexy blood/semen from your mouth, Rithy is probably equally as pimped as MATTFLINTMANIA but la la la I can't hear you)</div><div><br /></div><div>She says that for her, Matt and Katie stand out the most for her, because they bare their souls to her. Is Katie Love at that stage of Fatal Arlene Attraction already? Ok. I wouldn't mind a few of the male dancers baring their souls to m....<i>[That's quite enough of that - OFCOM]</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Time now to run through the performances from last night of our first group of merry result-getters via the magical medium of VT. Tom & Katrina are first, running up and down a load of crates, Katrina spending less time on the floor than a granny in a nightclub, and Louise tells Tom that tonight he "really pulled off a cowboy". Not likely Louise, Tom is STRAIGHT, GRR NO HOMO, HE PLAYS POOL AND EVERYTHING. Arlene calls Tom a pumpkin - Katrina Ballerina and Tom tell one another that he's not a pumpkin, and then they start touching one another's faces and possibly making out. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Rule 34 in action, ladies and gentlemen. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Charlotte & Matt do their STOLEN routine, with him doing 0.76 of a Tom Chambers face the whole way through and her channelling the spirit of Pepsi & Shirley. Arlene tells us all that we are to fancy MATTFLINTMANIA for the fifth week running - I remain stoically resistant. Backstage the pair of them oink and grunt and make incoherent noises all over one another. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel do the worst routine ever in the history of this show ever - Arlene tells them she had more fun huffing petrol round the back of a BP garage last week than she did watching that routine and Sisco tells them that was move on.org honest to blog on a hamburger phone from 2004. Backstage Israel tells everyone to vote, whilst Bethany-Rose goes into Bethany-Rose crisis management mode and stares at her feet. </div><div><br /></div><div>Katie Love and Lee-Boy jump around on a bed/giant bar of soap and get universal praise. Backstage she swigs from a giant bottle of clear liquid that I'm sure is definitely water and tells us that she's sure that they'll get another household object as a prop next week. She thinks a bath. I'm hoping for a hoover, a hostess trolley, and a full set of kitchen knives.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT over, this group are then cut to standing centre stage, waiting. Lee-Boy is reminded that Arlene said that he would probably be a crap shag, before he and Katie Love are told that they're safe. She bends backwards over his arm in a drama-drape ; he refuses to acknowledge her existence. MATTFLINTMANIA and Scally are also safe, duh. This leaves my OTP and Israel and Bethany-Rose as the presumptive Bottom Two from this set. Cat messes around with them a bit, particularly Tom, because that's what he's there for (HOLD STRONG MY WOOBIE) before Tom & Katrina Ballerina are announced safe and he pulls an INTENSE orgasm face which I may or may not be rewinding and playing for my own purposes later. (I WANT TO MAKE A FAN COLLAGE, GET YOUR MINDS OUT THE GUTTER). [<span style="font-style: italic;">I don't believe you for a second. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Ordinarily this would mean that Israel and Bethany-Rose would be in the Bottom Two, as they should be, but guess what, Nigel said "YOU IN DANGER GURL!" one too many times and they are in fact safe. Woo. Their eyes bug out and they totter off in shock as Cat yells "THEY'RE ALL SAFE LOU, THEY'RE ALL SAFE! JUST THIS ONCE, EVERYBODY LIVES!" like it's the end of that episode of Doctor Who back from when it was good, and she's about to do a waltz with BARROWMAN on top of a Zeppelin in World War Two. She then asks "Lou" if she is shocked that Bethany-Rose and Israel are safe. She says that yes, yes she is.</div><div><br /></div><div>So now that we've done all that and found no victims, it's time to run through the night's other performances via the magic of VT. Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty and AndrogyLee make vaguely offensive "Indian voices" and faces before stepping out onto stage and bopping out to noted Bollywood goddess Nicole Kidman. Sisco made hooting noises at them, and then backstage they both honk about how much they love Sisco. You <i>can</i> go off a pair you know.</div><div><br /></div><div>Charlie & Alice talk more about the royal wedding, as we as a nation purge the last remaining drops of that nonsense out of our system. Nigel calls us all stupid and shakes his head about how we won't all appreciate Charlie Whee's true genius in that routine. Charlie Whee and Cabbage Alice talk about how truly as one they felt during that number. Danielle & Luke roll around smacking one another to the least annoying Jessie J song (which is still pretty darned annoying by anybody's else standards - COCONUT MAN! DO IT LIKE A BARROWMANDEM! *makes noise like a tribble on speed for about half a minute*) - Louise says that what she means when she says "bring it" (ie "get your top off"), but Nigel hates it and proclaimed it as fake as wrestling. I wish it had ended with Angry Luke clobbering Danielle in the head with a steel chair and then setting a table on fire with a torch made out of a barb-wire baseball bat. SO MANY FEELINGS. [<span style="font-style: italic;">The amount of violent fantasies you have about those two are making me think you have quite a lot of feelings as well. I'm quite concerned. - Steve</span>] Backstage, Danielle and Angry Luke continue to hate one-another.</div><div><br /></div><div>Stephanie and GianLuca pull dumb faces then go out and dance cha-cha and continue to pull dumb faces. Everyone says they're amazing and they whitter on about how that was the BEST THEY'VE EVER DONE IT. Ah well. Finally Rithy and Shane perform the worst idea in the show's history, as the lack of beat in the backing and silence of the crowd make their Charlie Chaplin routine feel like it's being performed in an entirely different dimension to the rest of the show. Arlene says that Rithy is the greatest human being ever to have lived, but Shane needed to "butch up" for his role of comedy silent movie policeman. Well obviously, given as how that role was always played by a Pitt/Stallone/Van Damme type. </div><div><br /></div><div>Back to the stage now for the results. Luke and Danielle are first, and are safe, and she gives him a bone-crunching hug as he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney-stone. This leaves two presumptive Bottom Twos for Cat to mess around with, the first of which is Team Raggy Dolls vs Team Mature Adult European Sexuality. She messes around with a pantomime metaphor for Team Raggy Doll before moving on to increase the tension, causing AndrogyLee to give an amazing humongous eye-roll at the fake-drama of it all. I wish the lines were still open : I would have given him an extra vote just for that. Team Mature Adult European Sexuality are reminded that Stephanie is PROFESSIONAL and GianLuca is ITALIAN before they're told that they will be Bottoming for the judges' pleasure in a minute. Stephanie gives Cat a professional-level DEATH GLARE, as AndrogyLee and FDOFP Kirsty pull goldfish faces of shock and retreat to safety.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat asks Arlene to do some fake-outrage about Stephanie and Gian Luca two being in the Bottom Two - she does so. It's LATIN Arlene. I have no idea how Danielle and Luke escaped its clutches last week, but the Universe had to right itself eventually.</div><div><br /></div><div>This leaves the battle of Team Crappy Lookalikes Agency vs Team Blog Favourites, so the result is obvious really isn't it? Rithy & Shane are in the bottom 2, and Cabbage Alice and Charlie Whee! skate on. Alice mumbles some words under her breath that are possibly "fudge", "sugar", "bollards" or any other mum-swear favourites you choose to mention. [<span style="font-style: italic;">My money's on "nutty fudgekins". - Steve</span>] Sisco is asked to drum up some fake-horror at these two being in the bottom. He does so, and tells the public to vote only 50% on what they see, and the other 50% on what the judges say. Yeah that'll work Sisco. Especially as the judges are always so internally consistent.</div><div><br /></div><div>Solos now then - Stephanie's up first and merrily stomping around doing a jive to "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. At no point does she do the Proud Mary arms, which makes this a complete waste of time, especially as she's a bit cart-horseish of leg and desperate of face. Next up comes ITALIAN Gian Luca doing some very ITALIAN leaping around and spinning to Des'ree at her most ITALIAN sounding. Odd then that the whole routine should feel quite so much like a very FRENCH shrug of the shoulders. I guess these EUROPEANS are even more interchangeable than we thought. Rithy follows, trying her level best to redeem a song from current-era Britney Spears and almost managing it. Almost. Whatever, it ends with her repeatedly grabbing her crotch at the judges, which is enough for me to say she should be safe. We close with Shane "bringing it" in the manner of Louise's choosing - ie he's got his top off. He's doing his thing (which is mostly excellent aerial control and wiggling his torso like he's trying to a birth a Martian out of his belly-button) to "Seven Nation Army" and doing it really rather well.</div><div><br /></div><div>To be honest, if either Shane or Rithy go home after that then my ENTIRE FAITH IN THIS PROGRAMME IS...oh no, wait, that went a while ago.</div><div><br /></div><div>As if to finish this thought, guess who's on guest-performance duties this week? That's right, it's BLUE! Aieeeeeee! They go through their Eurovision song with all the enthusiasm of the guest act for the opening of the Annual Conference of the Guild of British Cheesemakers, which in a way they are. Lee asks us to ponder how important it is REALLY that Shane and Rithy are in the bottom 2 when the elephants are STILL DYING ; Duncan tells us all the disableds love him, especially the cerebrally paulsied ; Simon lectures everyone about how we're not supporting Blue's selfless decision to win Eurovision for the nation enough ; Anthony pisses up against the judges table, and they all do spirit fingers. No really. SPIRIT FINGERS. Hardly LIVING is it?</div><div><br /></div><div>Results now, as Nigel opens by telling them that three out of the four of them blatantly weren't even trying in their solos. They can all TOTALLY STILL WIN, SO CHEER UP. This is apparently particularly so in the case of the girls. The judges were split 2-2, and couldn't be arsed to discuss things further, so Nigel just asked someone from production to decide. I'm guessing a cameramen flipped a coin or something. It came down tails, so Stephanie's going home. Something clearly goes very unrehearsed at this point as Stephanie tries to leave and Rithy tries to stay and Cat corralls them around like a mother at a birthday party having to step in in the middle of a particularly vicious game of Duck Duck Goose. She asks Stephanie how she feels at this moment - Stephanie says "I'm not sure I can explain(/without jabbing my fingers in your eyes and screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) Cat". She then leaves.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next it's time for the boys, who are informed that the decision in this case was unanimous, and they didn't have to ask the tea-lady to pick based on who she fancies most or anything. Nigel doesn't think either of them deserve to be in the Bottom Two, but hey, that's the British Public for you. He then tells GianLuca that he hasn't connected with the public for two weeks running, and Shane is the only dancer who really tried in the Bottom Two, so the latter is safe, and the former is off. GianLuca does a very deep bow, and Shane runs off to get a spine-bending hug from Rithy. Cat asks GianLuca if he has any regrets. He says not. Stephanie stomps back on and is asked if she has any regrets either. She says no also. It's slightly less convincing in her case.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel closes by telling them both to keep on trying, and try to become more charismatic, and he's sure they'll both have successful dance careers ahead of them. They're like 35 Nigel, IT'S OVER.</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-57489939512156279772011-05-01T12:18:00.006+01:002011-05-01T17:18:15.942+01:00Better the genre you know<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 18: 30th April 2011</span><br /><br />Previously on <span style="font-style:italic;">So You Think You Can Dance</span>: the Top 20 faced the public vote for the first time, and ultimately became the Top 18 as Cheekbones Ryan and Clumsy Paige were forsaken by the public. Previously on <span style="font-style:italic;">Bitch, You Think You Can Dance</span>: our distaste for MATTFLINTMANIA gathered momentum and Chris fell hopelessly in love with the epic romance of Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom. What fresh joys will tonight's show bring us? Well, Steph and Gian Luca think they will not be in the bottom two, Charlotte doesn't know what a bottom two is HERP DERP DERP *eats own hair* and the producers apparently cotton on to Luke and Danielle's complete loathing of each other and get them to sort it all out in a boxing ring. About time too.<br /><br />Titles! SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE.<br /><br />Because the most important thing that happened this weekend/week/year was two obscenely rich people getting married with a large cash injection from taxpayers while every single television channel in the country emptied its schedule of regular programming in order to shove anything with the word "wedding" in its place, it's only right that this show jumps on the bandwagon with a wedding dance. Now, Chris is violently opposed to the royal wedding at the best of times, so you can probably imagine what sort of reaction he had to a dance that split up his Tom/Katrina OTP and had her marrying MATTFLINTMANIA instead. Let's just say he spewed forward a burst of profanity that Gordon Ramsay got in touch to say "I say, old chap, you should really wash your mouth out". Poor Tapper Tom has been relegated to the role of photographer, and while I hope there'll be a twist in the narrative where the bride runs off with the guy behind the camera, sadly it's not to be. This is such blatant tappism, as well, putting MATTFLINTMANIA front and centre and leaving poor Tom to be <span style="font-style:italic;">the hired help</span>. (Also, Luke and Shane are standing to one side, looking adorable in matching suits, and I know they're probably supposed to be groomsmen, but in my head they were the other half of a double wedding, and no one can tell me otherwise.) Anyway, once That Kiss is out of the way, 'River Deep, Mountain High' kicks in and everyone starts shimmying down the aisle like mad. Other observations: the lilac bridesmaid's dress makes Katie Love look rather matronly, Danielle looks like she could not give a rat's ass about any of this, Stephanie catches the bouquet <i>[Later, she will be marrying irrelevance - Chris]</i>, and there appears to be a slight blocking issue at the very end when everyone's trying to line up for their final positions and there's not enough room stage right. Tsk.<br /><br />Cat arrives in her best outfit of the series so far (a hollow compliment, admittedly, but all the same) and thanks Mandy Moore for the choreography. For reasons that are not made clear at any part of the evening, Cat is wearing a WWE championship belt around her left wrist. <i>[I thought she'd fisted a giant chocolate Christmas tree coin - Chris] [Failing that, I was very disappointed she didn't shoot a fireball out of it once - Chris] </i>She introduces "the royal family of ruthlessness", ie the judges: Sisco appears to be wearing another set of high-fashion armour, while Louise has sensibly avoided walking into any doors before setting foot on the set this week. Nigel hopes that this week we'll see more chemistry between the couples (SCREW YOU, NIGEL, KATRINA BALLERINA AND TAPPER TOM HAVE CHEMISTRY4DAYZ) and connect with the audience. Arlene points out that this week we've got a butch b-boy trying to be soft and lyrical, a contortionist who can't count trying to waltz (Charlotte: "What's a counting? HERP DERP DERP.") and a ballerina trying a fast Broadway routine.<br /><br />After a quick recap of the rules, it's time for our first competitive routine of the night, from Matt The Designated Tapper Of Choice and Charlotte The Idiot. The VT lies that Charlotte's performance last week wasn't a huge sloppy mess, because she's being dragged through to Top 10 at least thanks to being partnered with the unstoppable might of MATTFLINTMANIA! and they need to justify it somehow. This week they've got jazz, which will be the first of many instances tonight of people rather handily drawing their specialist genre. They have a cane to perform with, which as we all know from <span style="font-style:italic;">Dancing On Ice</span> is THE HARDEST PROP IN THE WORLD, especially when combined with a hat. Mandy Moore, who's choreographing this one as well, explains that it's about a power struggle and the two of them both wanting control of the cane. It's a Cane Mutiny, if you will. Mandy insists that they must not drop the cane, at which point we see a montage of Excessive Cane Droppage (soundtracked to 'Hold It Don't Drop It' by Jennifer Lopez - lovely work from the editors there). Charlotte says that she's missing home a little bit, at which point we segue into a VT of Charlotte's parents, who are apparently both Keith Lemon. The most amusing part of this entire segment is the poster being waved by her parents that says "CHARLOTTE SCALLY" in about 50pt font, and has "+ MATT FLINT" written in much smaller letters underneath. I guess MATTFLINTMANIA! hasn't quite hit Watford yet.<br /><br />Their routine is to 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood, and Chris instantly recognises this as a theft from season six of SYTYCD in the US, where it was performed by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaVFypDhhxs">Jakob Karr and Ashleigh DiLello</a>. I've included the YouTube link there for you to have a gander at, but the original is clearly superior for the following reasons:<br /><br />1. The quality of dancing on SYTYCD US season six was infinitely superior to the quality of dancing on SYTYCD UK series two.<br />2. Ashleigh DiLello >>>> Charlotte Scally.<br />3. Jakob Karr >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MATTFLINTMANIA.<br />4. Unlike Matt, Jakob is not wearing WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK SHOES, for fuck's sake.<br /><br />Taken objectively, Matt and Charlotte's performance is decent enough: they're sharp and dynamic, and there are some impressive tricks in there, but there's a degree of hamming to the camera that I'm not overly fond of. They don't drop the cane, though, so I think Mandy's prime concern with this routine has been addressed.<br /><br />Nigel does not cop to the recycling of the routine, but applauds Mandy's work all the same. He says that he's putting his money down on Matt being "one of the best boys in this competition" as though that's some kind of daring statement, and not something that the show's been trying to convince us of since the opening minutes of episode one. Charlotte missed the dress run because she smashed her head yesterday on the backbend and has been dizzy all day (how would anyone know the difference? WHAT AM A FOXTROT BLEEP BLOOP), and Nigel hammers on that she was being advised by the show's medical staff to sit it out, but Charlotte insists there was no chance of that happening. "I signed myself out from the hospital!" she giggles. What a brave little toaster. Arlene thinks they've set the bar high for tonight, and that Matt sends pulses racing when he dances. She adds that they will be joining Frankie in the Going To Hollywood stakes. Louise reminds us that CANES ARE DIFFICULT, saying that Charlotte looks hot while Matt is actually a good dancer. It sounds nicer when she says it. Sisco calls it simply "perfection".<br /><br />Katie and Lee C are next, having been given one of Kate Prince's more bearable efforts last week (spoiler: no Kate Prince routines in tonight's show! *dance party*). Lee agrees with Sisco that he needs to pull his socks up. In the pick, Cat asks what style they'd like, and Lee opts for contemporary. Cat's all "BUT YOU'RE A B-BOY!!!!!1111" Contemporary it is, which means the girls are two for two tonight in picking their home styles for this week's routines. Their routine is being choreographed by Katrin Hall, who explains that it's about a couple breaking up, "and the love and the passion". Hmm, a contemporary dance routine about relationship problems: how very novel. We saw in the opening that Katie's in her nightwear for it as well, which is just breaking further uncharted ground. Katie likens the routine to the real arguments that they've had, Lee asks her if she ever stops talking, and she gives him SUCH A LOOK. Ugh, then there's this awful try-hard bit where they try to coin themselves a team name of "Team LoveLee", vomit vomit vomit. It's bad enough when the fans do it, but please don't try to actually make it happen for yourselves. <i>[Team CrowLove - They bummed a raven! - Chris]</i><br /><br />They have a bed for their routine, which can only invite comparisons to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-5qKOQyFwM">Drew's Hair and Hayley</a> (where has Rafael Bonachela been so far this year? COME BACK RAFAEL THIS SHOW NEEDS YOU). They're performing to the only good Alicia Keys song ('Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart') and despite my grousing, this is a genuinely great routine: Lee is pretty good, but Katie is absolutely phenomenal, leaping around and making herself look completely weightless as Lee chucks her all over the place. Even in the lift that they were shown having serious problems with in rehearsals, where Lee supports Katie as she's lifted into the air and then drops to the ground, landing on her side, she's just incredibly smooth and gentle, and I'm literally astounded that the human body can actually do all of this.<br /><br />Cat says to Lee "you're a fast worker! Last week the kitchen, this week the bedroom..." And somehow in between he found time to officiate at a wedding, don't forget. The crowd is chanting "LoveLee! LoveLee!" (ugh) and Louise thinks they sizzled, and at times Lee looked at Katie so tenderly that she really felt it, and she thinks they looked like a perfect partnership. Arlene disagrees: <span style="font-style:italic;">at times</span> he looked at her like he should, but he looked "like an apprentice in the bedroom". Cat's all "err, guys, that's something VERY different" and Louise begs to clarify her critique: she thinks that Lee looked tenderly at Katie when the choreography asked for it. Arlene thinks Lee never lifts his chest and his head (Sisco: "WHAAAAT?!") and since the chest is a mirror to the soul (sheesh, what ISN'T a mirror to the soul in dance?) he needs to use that. Katie, on the other hand, was flawless, but Lee needs to give more. Sisco disputes this, and thinks Lee did That Thing We Won't Recap Because It's Not Going To Happen, and that this week he really pulled up and was very inspirational, and Katie gave a beautiful, organic performance. Nigel is proud of Katrin, as this is the first time he's worked with her, and there's pause while Nigel's all "you're Icelandic, is this what you do on those long dark nights, ho ho ho" and then says that his bedroom hasn't seen that sort of action for a while, at which point Arlene puts her arms around him and OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THAT. To get back on point, Nigel thinks Lee was really strong tonight and was there for Katie, and when they danced together it was good, but he needs to think about straightening his legs and pointing his toes. Nigel thinks Katie stands out in a crowd, like in tonight's opening routine. Cat wonders what they'll do next week. Full frontal, I shouldn't wonder.<br /><br />Kirsty and Lee C are next. They were thrilled with their feedback last week, and are actually quite adorable in their backstage celebrations. They draw Bollywood from the box, and have got Ash Mukherjee as their choreographer. And if you're expecting 'Jai Ho' to be on the soundtrack right now, then you're absolutely right. Ash explains that it's a melting pot of different dance styles from all over India and all over the world. We see Lee and Kirsty looking pretty fabulous in rehearsals as Ash explains that it's about a young couple on their wedding night, where the man is an alpha male looking to get the lady into bed, and the woman's all "no chance" *z-snaps*. Lee explains that it's a high-tempo routine, and because it's Lee, he has to justify to the cameras that he can totally be convincing as an alpha male. Sigh. That "somewhat girly" narrative isn't going away any time soon, no matter how much Lee debunks it on the dancefloor. Ash explains that the three E's of Bollywood are excitement, entertainment and elegance. I was hoping that one of them would be "eeeeee!", but apparently not. Lee clobbers Kirsty in rehearsals, but she swears she feels safe with him. Kirsty: "I like a rocker. We're like Katy Perry and Russell Brand." Seriously, I cannot express how much I love Kirsty. She's amazing.<br /><br />As Cat's doing her intro, we can see the two of them in the background, with Kirsty elegantly leaping into Lee's arms for their opening position. They're so adorbs. Their routine is to 'Hindi Sad Diamonds' from <span style="font-style:italic;">Moulin Rouge!</span> and it's another wonderfully infectious, exciting routine. Tonight's definitely a step up from last week in the choreography stakes. If I'm honest, I don't think the performance is quite as clean as it looked in rehearsals, and Kirsty's outdancing Lee tonight because she's really selling it, while he has a few moments of wavering uncertainty. They're both doing a great job with an incredible complex routine, though, and I think they've pretty much cemented their place as my favourite couple right now. I'm actually amazed how much I enjoy Kirsty as a dancer, considering the edit she got in the audition shows.<br /><br />Sisco thinks it was hot, amazing, spicy and rich, and he loves their organic connection. He particularly loves Lee for breaking the mould, and he thinks Kirsty looks beautiful and gave a beautiful performance. Nigel asserts his role as All-Knowing Dance Guy by verifying with Ash that this is specifically Bharata Natyam rather than just "Bollywood" (although he pronounced it slightly wrong), and that there are 300 hand gestures in it, and he doesn't think Lee quite got the hands right. <i>[That bit was just gruesome. NIGEL KNOW ABOUT BOLLYWOOD DANCING! - Chris] </i>There's some booing at this, and Nigel shouts back that this isn't a pantomime "just because Cinderella and the two ugly sisters are up here." Is it wrong that for a second I totally thought he meant Sisco was Cinderella? I think Arlene might have thought that as well, judging from the look she gives Louise. Getting back on track, Nigel tells them to get as close to the style as they can, since the footwork isn't too tricky, but he thinks they both gave a great effort. Arlene thinks Kirsty was "the temptress from the temple" and was really sticking to the rhythm, while Lee was not so much. "Sometimes I want to yell 'stop slumping and start pumping!'" she adds. Insert obligatory "that's not the first time Arlene has wanted to shout that" joke here.<br /><br />Up next: Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel. As Cat puts it, "he was a Sk8er Boi, she said 'see you l8er, boi'." I really hope there's a point in this routine where the rest of the girls appear as the friends who stick up their (one collective) nose because they have a problem with his baggy clothes. <i>[I hope Bethany-Rose gets PREGNANT and the routine ends with a baby skateboard shooting out her vag and Israel runs off to MTV and Bethany-Rose regrets her choices- Chris] </i>Last week's performance went well, and Cat asks them what they'd like from their pick. Israel would like hip hop, and Bethany is on board with that. Surprise: they get hip hop! There appears to be an uncanny level of wish fulfilment going on with those cards. <i>[Keeping count - after Nigel said TWO WEEKS AGO we'd never see the hip-hoppers doing hip-hop again, we have now seen three of the four hip-hoppers doing it again - Chris] </i>I'm really hoping that Danielle and Luke are both clutching theirs in the middle of an argument when they scream "I wish I could trade places with you!" because that is COMEDY GOLD WAITING TO HAPPEN. Run DMC inform us that it's tricky to rock a rhyme that's right on time as Bethany demonstrates this conundrum in rehearsals. Choreographer Simeon Qsyea reminds us that it's a skater-themed routine so they've got skateboards as props: Israel is coping with it well, Bethany not so much. She's kind of handling it like she expects it to bite her. Bethany admits in rehearsals that she loves the routine, but needs to develop some swagger. I'd love it if they brought Katrina Ballerina in to teach her. Time for a hilarious skating skit, where they go to a skate park together and Bethany turns up in, like, neon pink skate equipment covered in Hello Kitty and ribbons and vaginas because she's a gurl, and Israel is horrifed. Bethany gives this little set-piece exactly the level of GCSE Drama acting it deserves, and Israel teaches her how to skate. But with how much success?<br /><br />They've got 'OMG' by Usher featuring William as their music, and I'm probably alone in quite liking the actual choreography, but the dancing itself is a much harder sell. Bethany's clearly trying hard, but isn't quite up to the demands - she's a little bit too soft in her movements and isn't locking properly, and while she can grab her crotch with the best of them, any parts of the routine that involve interacting with the skateboard are really not pretty.<br /><br />Nigel is clearly unimpressed, and says that sometimes the idea takes over from the dancing - he felt there was "a lack of swag", especially from Israel, and the skateboards were underused - they had no strength together as a couple and weren't together rhythmically. He thinks they're both in trouble tonight. Arlene agrees: "I had more fun queuing for petrol this week than watching you dance tonight." Heh. She thinks Bethany was working it and keeping in time with the music, while Israel was off the rhythm and that was unforgivable. And to finish, she paraphrases the lyrics in a moment that only strengthens my Arlene-love: "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-yes-oh-oh-oh-oh." LOVE. Louise tells them that they keep losing her halfway through the routine: Israel has no energy in his body, while Bethany's being left behind by the other girls. Sisco closes by telling Israel that it was "dryness.com, .org and .co.uk" - he thinks Israel's swag and personality is only from the neck up, and he didn't deliver in his own genre. Bethany wasn't technically on, but at least gave a performance, and he agrees with Nigel that they're in trouble. Cat mocks Nigel for attempting to be down with the kids.<br /><br />Time for the rejects dance: Stephanie and Gian Luca. Stephanie was overshadowed by her lights last week, while Gian Luca had the burden of Paige falling over and forgetting literally everything. They're both happy to be around, and even happier to have drawn Cha Cha in this week's routines. They've got Katya Virshilas and Klaus Kongsdal <i>[Who has let himself go a bit, sad to say - Chris]</i> as their choreographers, and Katya assures them that this routine will definitely not put them in the bottom two. Steph points out that they've got a harder job of things than the other couples because they're a new partnership, so they've not had so long to develop their chemistry. Gian Luca loves Latin dance - "maybe I just feel it inside" <i>[BECAUSE HE IS A LATIN - Chris]</i>- but they're both feeling the pressure after their B2 visit last week.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'When I Grow Up' by the Pussycat Dolls. They actually make a pretty good pair - it's obvious that Steph's more used to this style of dance than Gian Luca is, but he's holding his own in this routine, and there's definitely an energy here that was lacking from both of their routines last week. There's a banner being waved in the audience that says "VOTE STEPH" but due to a couple of unfortunately placed folds in the material obscuring the V and part of the T, it looks a bit like it says "DIE STEPH". Poor Steph: even her own banners are conspiring against her.<br /><br />Arlene tells Gian Luca that he's not got a clue about the cha cha, but he was working the Latin fire. So "congratulations on being Italian", in other words. Arlene tells Steph that she owns her technique, but she needs to throw it away and be like "those naughty girls" on <span style="font-style:italic;">Strictly Come Dancing</span>. I don't really understand. Cat: "Nigel, have you seen those naughty girls?" Heh. Nigel advises Gian Luca to use his hips more and isolate his rib cage, and calls Katya "one of the sexiest women in the world". Down, Nigel. He adds that Steph "brought everything you needed to that". Louise thinks they look great together, but wants Steph to give it a bit more and help the audience what she's feeling, and also applauds Gian Luca for his ethnicity. Sisco disagrees with the women and thinks Steph was fantastic, and says that he understood and felt everything. He thinks Steph was better than Gian Luca, but Gian Luca still brought a lot to the routine. Cat wipes lipstick off Gian Luca's face like the team mum that she is, and sends them on their way.<br /><br />Next up: Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom! Squee! Katrina was thrilled to have great feedback from "Sisco, King Of Hip Hop" last week, and this week they've drawn Broadway. You know what this means: Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom working together with Giant Lady. I'm going to need to peel Chris off the ceiling. Giant Lady explains that she wants "a cowboy and a sassy girl", and Tapper Tom says that he's surprised the routine isn't more "showbiz", and instead it's more character-driven. Giant Lady gets Tapper Tom to work on butching up his cowboy act (I hope this involved her telling him to "get over it" at least once) by asking him to think of the butchest cowboy he can. I'm quite surprised that being told to "think about butch cowboys" does not prompt another round of gay panic, but perhaps he's getting over that too. They stage a shootout, and Giant Lady tells Tom that was "almost butch". Ooh, BURN. I heart Giant Lady. In an early entry for Weakest Segue Of The Year, Tom says that he's not a cowboy, he's a CROFT boy and we cut to shots of Tom's supporters in his home town of Croft in Leicestershire. Tom's mum marshals support amongst some cute kids ("Who are we voting for?" "Tom and Katrina!" I assume there was a second part of this call and response that went "When are we voting for them?" "From approximately 7.55pm on Saturday night until the lines close at 8.15pm!") I note with interest that the flyers Tom's supporters deliver give Katrina equal billing - I hope CHARLOTTESCALLYMANIA! was paying attention to that.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Footloose' from the musical of the same name, and their performance isn't quite as sharp as last week's - they seem to be struggling a little bit to keep up with its frenetic pace, but they're still doing a pretty decent job. Tom's little moments of solo showcasing are very good, and Katrina's got charm to space, though I did think her sequence of high kicks was a bit sluggish. The routine ends well, too, with them climbing onto the crates that are being used as their set, and Katrina slipping behind them while Tom does a splits jump back off them that clears her head by what looks like millimetres.<br /><br />Louise thinks Tom "pulled off the cowboy!" Oh, Louise, that's just a scurrilous internet rumour with no basis in fact. She's been asking for him to give more for weeks, and tonight he gave it to her. Fnar. Arlene disagrees, she thinks Tom has "the personality of a pumpkin" (I wish she'd gone for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoU8qFXKsSQ">"the personality of an angry fucking flying fish or summat"</a>) - he doesn't perform out and is not that cowboy from Texas, apparently. <i>[Alice is a cabbage, Tom is a pumpkin...Arlene needs to work some spring vegetables into her critique. You're not on an autumnal reality show now Arlene - Chris]</i> "You need to go shopping in Croft and find yourself a personality!" Could he not just go in London? I mean, sure, it'd probably cost a bit more, but it's closer and there's bound to be a better selection. Sisco thinks Tom's improved from last week, but still needs to bring more to the stage like Katrina does. He thinks they handled a difficult routine very well. Nigel thinks it was mean of Giant Lady to give them so many lifts to do, so he thinks it's an improvement from last week, but he does still need to give more personality. He loves Katrina's energy on the other hand, and can't believe she's a ballerina. Cat: "Can you breathe now?" Tom, breathless: "No."<br /><br />Alice and Charlie are next. They're happy with how last week went, and Alice just wants to do it again. No such luck, though, as they're moving onward to an American Smooth Waltz, and they're only couple so far not to be entirely thrilled about what they've chosen. Alice lampshades the fact that most couples this week have picked a genre that suits at least one of them, but neither she nor Charlie have ballroom skills. Matt Flint tapdances obnoxiously in the background while they're doing this. Do you not get enough camera time of your own, Matt Flint? Because I think you do. Katya and Klaus have choreographed this one as well, and Katya calls it "basically a dreamlike sequence" and Charlie reminds us that they're both starting from "stage zero", with Alice adding that "it would be easier if at least one of us knew what we were doing." Charlie is also worried about the number of lifts, though he rather unfortunately chooses to express this to the cameras as "lifting old Alice up" in an interview where Alice is also present, causing her to (justifiably, in my book) smack him for implying that she's some sort of heifer. Their concern is that ballroom is meant to look easy, but they're making it look hard. Katya says that she wants them to look like "William and Kate". As much as I do not want to hear about the bloody royal wedding any more, I'll take anything over the constant "Justin Bieber and Rihanna" comparisons.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Three Times A Lady', and I love the opening where Charlie is behind the backdrop, creating shapes with his silhouette that Alice (who's in front of it) is dancing with. After about ten seconds of this, Alice moves stage right with Charlie coming out onto the stage in synchronisation to grab her for a lift, and they take hold for the ballroom proper part of their routine. It's much better than the VT led us to expect - they've got nice chemistry together, and there's great rise and fall in the routine, and despite what they feared, they are making it all look very easy. I'm not sure if one of the lifts has been quite executed correctly as it looks a bit awkward (Alice drapes herself over Charlie's shoulders and he has one hand between her legs - why?), and there are moments when I think Charlie's a little bit off the beat, but overall this is another impressive performance.<br /><br />Nigel hopes that William and Kate's first waltz is that beautiful - he was stunned by it because he expects Alice to have a lyrical quality to her work, which she provided, but Charlie is performing with wonderful confidence in areas that are unfamiliar to him. Nigel asks Katya how long it took to get this together, and Katya's all "eight hours?" God, Katya is amazing. Nigel thinks that people at home will not realise how good Charlie was in that. Apparently Nigel thinks that the entire viewing audience is Charlotte. "WHAT'S A RISE AND FALL? BURBLE BLEEP BOOP BOOP." Arlene says that Charlie is "all shades of wrong, but oh so right" - she's impressed that he attempted the heel leads and the rise and fall, but criticises Alice for having her feet flexed in the lifts and not using her hands properly, with the implication that if Charlie can do it, then she really shouldn't be having these problems. Louise loved it, and she thinks Charlie's an underdog who is brilliant to watch despite his lack of perfect technique. Sisco calls it "exquisite". I love that they're always running out of time when Sisco's the last one to speak.<br /><br />Rithy and Shane are our penultimate performers for the night. They got great comments last week, and Shane thinks Rithy is the best partner he could ask for, which she appears genuinely moved by. These two give Tom and Katrina a run for their money in the cuteness stakes, I don't mind telling you. They've drawn hip hop, which Rithy is obviously pleased about. Their choreographer's name is Supple, and he explains that the routine is about Charlie Chaplin, and it's slapstick and humorous. My alarm bells are already ringing a little bit at this. Rithy admits that learning the routine is nerve-wracking for her because she's struggling with the character - she knows who Charlie Chaplin is, but is finding it hard to get the movements right. Shane, meanwhile, has his own problems because it is HARD FOR TALL PEOPLE to do hip hop. Rithy apologises to Shane for not being as supportive to him as she probably should be because she's got her own issues this week. In a cute interview back at their flat, Shane is eating a Mars bar that Rithy yoinks away from him so they can practice their slapstickness. There are sepia tones and a custard pie involved, I'll leave it at that.<br /><br />Perhaps a touch incongruously, their hip hop routine is being performed to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11. I know I whinge about this show being too predictable at times, but I'm finding it quite hard to make the mental leap from Mozart to hip hop while watching this routine. They've actually mastered their characters of Charlie Chaplin and Lanky Policeman No. 1 pretty well, and the routine is fun to watch, but there are some issues - Rithy stumbles on her landing from an assisted jump, although Shane grabs the back of her jacket and pulls her up in a way that's so lightning-fast it may well have been a deliberately choreographed movement. I'm still not sure, though. I feel like I'm saying this a lot tonight, but they're both doing well with a really fast and complicated routine. Having said that, I did feel slightly baffled by the whole performance, and I'm not sure if that's their fault, the choreographer's, or mine.<br /><br />Cat refuses to miss the opportunity for a "let's be 'avin' you" gag, while Nigel marvels at the Mozart/hip-hop combination, though he thinks it came off. There was just enough dancing in there for it all to work, and he thought the characters were great. Sisco thinks it lacked hip hop content, and there wasn't enough funk in the locking, but he thought they were great entertainment and the most consistent couple in the competition. Cat at this point asks about the stumble-and-grab moment, and Rithy's all "um, what?", which may be from Cat's rather fumbled attempt to explain what she means, and Nigel screams "don't admit anything!" to them as Rithy's just about to cop to it (no pun intended). Cat attempts to salvage the moment by saying that she meant to say what a great example of teamwork it was, and I admire her immensely for demonstrating that she does watch and pay attention and care and all that, but I think she might have done better on this particular occasion to leave it be. Nigel calls it "an arresting performance", and everyone groans. Louise thinks it was spot on, character-wise, and she thinks Shane got away with his locking and popping because he was doing it in the manner of a lanky policeman. Arlene thinks Rithy is a star-storyteller. Cat thinks Rithy looks hot with a moustache. Which, in fairness, she does. <i>[I guess Cat is the femme in this relationship - Chris]</i><br /><br />To close the evening, we've got Danielle and Luke. They survived the Latin curse last week, despite a lukewarm (ha!) review of their salsambcha from Nigel and Louise. Danielle points out that they've never done this style of dance before, as though that's supposed to be a good excuse and not in fact the entire point of the show. They draw Commercial in the pick, and I still have yet to meet anyone who actually understands what that is. Dance that people will pay for? Dance that advertises stuff? Not a fucking clue. Even Luke and Danielle don't seem to really know what it is, judging by their non-committal response to seeing the card. It's choreographed by Sean Cheesman, who describes it as "a gutsy, all-out brawl". They giggle about how they wanted to come back fighting, and now they ACTUALLY ARE FIGHTING. Sean is concerned that they're dancing "too soft" and he feels that their lack of chemistry puts them in serious trouble. I can only assume that "lack of chemistry" is a euphemism for "openly despising each other". They head out for some actual literal boxing (to the soundtrack of 'Mama Said Knock You Out' by LL Cool J, naturally <i>[I wish that had been the actual music instead of Jessie J - Chris]</i>) where they manage to go relatively easy on each other despite the aforementioned hatred, and Danielle wins the staged scrap, with Luke slurring "she's feisty!" into the camera from the mat. Much like Bethany Rose-Lee, he delivers his scripted dialogue with a healthy sense of derision.<br /><br />They're in a boxing ring dancing to 'Mamma Knows Best' by <a href="http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2011/04/jessie-j-annoying-ranked.html">universal annoyance Jessie J</a>, and I feel it would be remiss of me not to point out that shirtless and in boxing shorts is quite a good look for Luke. I mean, there probably won't be much call for it in the rest of his life, but it never hurts to know these things. It was handy of Sean to choreograph such an aggressive routine for them because they actually seem to be quite enjoying pretending to beat seven bells out of each other. There are some impressive moves in it too, particularly the ones that involve Danielle wrapping her legs around Luke's neck - I especially liked the one where they use the momentum from this for Luke to roll down on to the floor with her still around his neck. It looks like one of the lifts lands awkwardly again, but it's a good, energetic note to end the show on.<br /><br />Arlene is thrilled that they provided the sexy show she wanted, and she thinks Danielle stole the routine. She wants Luke to react more to Danielle's mock punches, something that I'm sure Luke is well practised at. Louise thinks they saved the best for last, and Sisco loved it, he thinks they matched each other for sexiness, and it was believable and fearless. Cat asks them if they felt the pressure to deliver this week, and Luke says that they had to come back and hit it hard, and Danielle adds that they wanted to prove themselves. Nigel, sadly, did not feel that they proved themselves - he thought it was "a little fake, like wrestling" and "less UFC than KFC". He liked the choreography, but he didn't get the connection - he thought they both stood out in the opening, so he knows that they've got it, but they don't work together. Then we get to the most surreal part of the show, where Sisco tells Nigel that "of course it's acting, they're in a boxing ring" and Nigel thinks that it must be wrestling because they don't have boxing gloves on. Oh, Nigel. You're becoming so literal, it must be all that time spent around Kate Prince. Somehow you can get past the fact that a man is fighting a woman, and that they're clearly in very different weight classes, and yet the fact that neither of them is wearing boxing gloves is where the illusion of convincing boxing is destroyed for you? How would they have done the lifts with boxing gloves on? How would anyone have been able to judge their hand placements? I just...there isn't enough room on the internet for me to fully state how much I do not get Nigel's problem here.<br /><br />ANYway, let's move on. Danielle and Luke exit, and Cat asks the judges for some final feedback overall. Nigel thinks the standard is stronger tonight, because last week he felt at least one partner tended to let the other down, while tonight things were generally better, though a few couples are in serious trouble: specifically Danielle and Luke, and also Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel. Arlene thinks that the contestants need to remember that two of them are going home before they set foot on the dancefloor. She thinks Katie got lucky this week and was flying high in her own genre, while Charlie did a brilliant job outside of his comfort zone, so there's no excuses for anyone. Nigel chips in that maybe next week he and Arlene should do that bedroom routine and show them all how it's done, and right on cue Arlene drapes herself over him, and Cat joins me in declaring this a mental image entirely unsuited to a pre-watershed broadcast slot. Louise's favourites are Charlotte and Matt and Danielle and Luke, and she wants to single Kirsty out for praise, but does it thusly: "I think Kirsty is playing a really good--good--having a great time up there, I think she's flying." Heh. Louise is clearly getting genre-savvy to this reality TV malarkey, and knows that suggesting any female contestant might be "playing a game" is a huge red rag to the internet haterz. Sisco just has one thing to say: he loves Katie Love.<br /><br />The lines are opened, and we get a quick recap: Thick Charlotte With The Loud Fans and MATTFLINTMANIA not being as good as Jakob and Ashleigh, Katie Love being awesome and Lee C doing a good job of keeping up, Kirsty and Lee B delivering Bollywood spice, Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel sullying the good name of hip hop, poor doomed Stephanie and Gian Luca, the concentrated adorableness of Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom, Alice and Charlie confounding the critics with some great ballroom, Rithy and Shane's bizarre slapstick hip hop routine, and Danielle and Luke showing us what they really think of each other while pretending that someone choreographed it.<br /><br />We close with Cat giving us a reminder of all those voting numbers, and...notice anything missing from this?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09QBZ_a4z8_cH-0-2TBd0pzVWkSsCzDtRPAQTyCP9Vji6Fxrd57sLQ1fTvmOGHihyTU9bcw6teyyk-QOQtIjFJgx1tGzbQfWKgeWirnimjaqZeI5jO1eT9ybg3IyJy02nZGG5DXdeudY/s1600/voting.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 222px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09QBZ_a4z8_cH-0-2TBd0pzVWkSsCzDtRPAQTyCP9Vji6Fxrd57sLQ1fTvmOGHihyTU9bcw6teyyk-QOQtIjFJgx1tGzbQfWKgeWirnimjaqZeI5jO1eT9ybg3IyJy02nZGG5DXdeudY/s400/voting.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5601772236090979650" border="0" /></a><br /><br />CHARLOTTESCALLYMANIA!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-27663618322383457832011-04-24T16:16:00.000+01:002011-04-24T20:07:09.826+01:00Turning the Paige<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 20 Results: 23rd April 2011</span><br /><br />Cat's there with her mic at hand, possibly wondering whether she can just nip off back to LA without anyone noticing if the viewing figures dip any further, maybe catch up on her Netflix rentals and get some sushi with Ryan Seacrest. She reminds us that earlier this evening, "20 fantastic performers" staked their initial bid to become Britain's favourite dancer, after which some of us may have done some voting, and the lines are now closed. We're about to get our first boot of the Top 20, but who will it be?<br /><br />SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE.<br /><br />After the titles, we begin with arguably one of the best set pieces of the series so far: the entire Top 20 positioned around a large banquet table, the guys all in ruffled shirts, the ladies all in black and red can-can dresses. (My apologies; fashion history is not one of my areas of expertise, so I cannot give you the technical name for what they're wearing, but if I said "sailors and whores in a bawdy period farce", you should hopefully get something fairly close to what they're wearing.) We open with Yael Naim's slow, mournful cover of 'Toxic' by Britney Spears. Shane is sitting at the head of the table, and summons Steph from the other end, apparently having her in some kind of thrall, as she spins to his will and he moves her to the front of the stage, while behind them, several other pairs couple up. Shane starts to nibble on her neck, and suddenly we're back in the Britney version, and it's sexy vampire time again! Well, they may not technically be vampires, but there's definitely some undead stuff going on. Suddenly it becomes more of a group formation, as everyone does 'Thriller'-style zombie movements, with Danielle and Kirsty in particular making excellent faces, and Rithy gets borne aloft again from the back of the pack <i>[wiping pretend blood off her mouth <3 - Chris]</i> - just lifted into the air this time, though, not thrown. It's a great routine because it's fun, colourful, incredibly exciting to watch, and danced with precision by just about everyone - I was watching closely looking to pinpoint a weak link, and I couldn't find one. Now, that may have just been because 20 people on one stage can get a bit crowded and the crap ones might have been hiding at the back, but either way, it's a bit of a triumph of stagecraft.<br /><br />Cat enters, telling Shane as she passes him that she wants to suck his blood, and then cackling. Careful, Cat, we're not quite post-watershed yet. She asks us all to applaud the dancers, and the choreographer Beth Honan. And I don't usually do whatever the people in the little box tell me to do, but on this occasion, it was pretty good, so: <i>*applauds Beth Honan and the Top 20. Yes, even Paige*</i><br /><br />Cat continues that we'll be sending two contestants home tonight, and Jennifer Hudson will be here with a fantastic performance, presumably thanks to Nigel pulling a few transatlantic strings. Hey, maybe we'll get Pia Toscano next week. <i>[I bloody hope not - Chris]</i> Cat reminds us that the lines are closed and the votes have been counted and verified. For those of you who weren't around last year, here's how it works: the two couples with the fewest votes will be separated, and each dancer will perform a 30 second solo. The judges will then decide which two dancers to send home, and if those two dancers were partnered together, then the remaining couple continues unaffected, but if it's a "one of each" scenario, then the survivors will be dancing with each other next week. Got that? Good. We're invited to welcome the judges back, but I might hold off the applause on this occasion.<br /><br />Since we've only got half an hour for the results, we're going to get right on with things. I'd almost forgotten what it was like when results shows were just 30 minutes long; it really does make the whole process seem a lot more time-efficient. We begin with a quick recap of the first group of contestants: Danielle and Luke gave us a samba of sorts, and Nigel criticised the lack of connection between the two of them, as well as the lack of sexiness. Luke hopes that the audience at home will see the connection that Nigel couldn't. Katie and Lee C gave us a lyrical hip hop routine that was one of the better examples of Kate Prince's hackwork (hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, unless it's a digital clock, where in most cases it just flashes angrily at you and is always about five hours and 23 minutes out), and Sisco was loving Katie's work, but thinks Lee needs to "pull up". If anyone gave me advice like that, my first response would be to check my trousers and make sure they weren't slipping down. Lee doesn't give a shit what Sisco said (♥) because he enjoyed it. Charlotte and Matt performed a foxtrot ("FOXTROT?" screamed Charlotte. "WHAT IS AN FOXTROT? HOW DO I IT?") and Arlene thought Matt was about to make it "the hottest dance in Scarborough", which I'm sure was meant to be a compliment, but doesn't really sound like one (no offence, Scarborough). Nigel thought Charlotte was a ginger scally. Sorry: "Ginger Scally", as in <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.com/">FRED AND GIIIIIIIINGE</a>. Matt and Charlotte are both utterly intolerable afterwards, as is to be expected. Stephanie and Ryan were upstaged by their own lasers, and are clearly in huge trouble because no one had seen Stephanie until last week, and everyone seems to hate Ryan, including the judges. Backstage, Ryan wonders what it will take to impress Nigel, saying that he gave it everything but it wasn't enough. Steph says that opening the show is really tough, and she just hopes that people pick up the phone. Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom (most perfectly suited pair ever, am I right?) gave us an utterly ridonkulous hip hop routine that went right out the other side of incomprehensible and became incredibly awesome. It rendered Sisco incoherent (like that's anything new), and Tom sounds like the whitest person alive when he tells the cameras backstage that he and Katrina have "secret swagger". <i>[Tom and Katrina's Secret Swagger Club <3 - Chris]</i><br /><br />These five couples are on stage with Cat, dressed for their solos if they should have to perform them. She starts with Charlotte and Matt, whose level of public support is not even remotely in question, so it makes sense to get them out of the way first. Despite Nigel's grousing about the lack of "actual foxtrot", they're through, of course, and jump about and scream and make their way into the pit of sanctity. Katie and Lee C are next to learn their fate, and they're safe too. Lee's overcome and hugs Katie, but it's a bit awkward because she's clapping and he basically traps her arm between their chests in his overenthusiasm. Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom are next, and they're safe too. Hooray! He carries her off the stage. So it's between Danielle and Luke and Stephanie and Ryan: one couple is under the Latin curse and the other has no fans. Both unenviable situations to be in, but which one's worse? On this occasion, the Latin curse has finally been gazumped, as Danielle and Luke are safe, while Stephanie and Ryan are in the bottom two. Well, bottom four. Oh, you know what I mean. Cat asks Arlene if she's surprised by the outcome, and Arlene says not really, because it wasn't a phenomenal routine, and since choreographers are blameless on this show, Ryan and Steph are criticised for not selling what they were given well enough. Cat tells us that Steph and Ryan are going to wow us with their solos, and then we hit the second recap montage.<br /><br />Rithy and Shane were amazing sexy cat burglars, and Arlene was thrilled that "the lazy beach bum guy" was gone. Backstage, Shane bites Rithy's neck. He's really taking this method acting lark very seriously. Paige & Gian Luca performed the worst piece of choreography ever to come from a mind that isn't Kate Prince's. <i>[Everything Paige did came from Paige's brain alone. I'm not blaming Mandy Moore for that - Chris] </i>Sisco criticised Paige's posture, and she fell on her arse. Paige is absent from the backstage interview, leaving Gian Luca to apologise on her behalf, and say that he feels bad for her, because he just saw her fall (as do we, again) and there was nothing he could do. Alice and Charlie's contemporary routine was held up almost entirely by Alice, though Arlene's feedback for Charlie was surprisingly positive. Alice begs to be allowed to come back next week. Kirsty and Lee B defied all expectation by giving us the best routine of the night, and were singled out as the week's strongest dancers by Sisco. They scamper backstage, squealing with delight. And finally, Bethany Rose and Israel gave us a disco routine, and Sisco thought they both delivered a "camptastic" performance. Israel confesses that they were shaky in rehearsals, but it went well on the night.<br /><br />Time for these five to discover who's safe. Kirsty and Lee B are first, and Cat's summary of their feedback is that Arlene said this wasn't Kirsty's style. Weirdly, this is delivered like it's a criticism, even though in context, Arlene was making the point that the show keeps insisting Kirsty is a contemporary dancer when that's not her genre of comfort, and therefore it was impressive for her to do well in it tonight. They're safe, thankfully, because I would have been seriously angry if they weren't. Rithy and Shane's Broadway number was Nigel's favourite routine of the night, and they're safe too. Woo! Israel and Bethany Rose are also safe, which leaves Alice and Charlie and Paige and Gian Luca fighting it out for that last safe spot. I have to admit, when I watched this first time around, I really did think it could go either way. It's hard to know if the usual "teenage girl vote" applies on this show, since they're probably all watching <i>Sing If You Can</i> anyway, and that's where I'd expect the majority of Charlie's fanbase to be. Paige and Gian Luca gave a performance that fizzled out, per Louise, while Nigel wanted Charlie to grow in the competition. The couple in danger is...Paige and Gian Luca. Alice kisses Paige on the cheek and says "you're a firework!", which will make sense in a minute, and is sweet in a dorky sort of way. I get the impression that if we'd actually seen Alice at all before the live shows, I'd have quite liked her. Cat asks Louise if she's shocked by the result, and Louise replies "shocked: no, sad: yes", and points out that if you can't be consistent from start to finish in a routine, it's going to let you down. Cat, bless her, tells them that she can't wait to see their solos and attempts to paint this as a positive outcome, because this means they get to dance for us again. Nice try, Cat, but the look on Paige's face says she ain't buying what you're selling.<br /><br />Cat asks Sisco why the solos are important, and he says that it's the last chance they have, and they have to burn the floor and *FUTILE ATTEMPT AT CATCHPHRASE REDACTED* and prove to the judges why they deserve to stay in the competition. First to dance is Stephanie, who gives us some serious salsambcha action to 'Conga' while pulling all kinds of sexy faces and looking a bit like Sophia Bush. Also, it is my great delight to report to you all that the crowd this year are not yelling out the numbers in the countdown. [<i>THANK FUCK - Chris] </i>Ryan performs to a disco track that I don't recognise, and his solo is fine, but I don't think it's likely to change the judges' mind on him at this point. Sadly for him I think he'd have been toast whatever happened. Paige is dancing to Katy Perry's 'Firework' (see?) and performs an acrobatic routine with a lot of backflips in it, which I thought was a bit sloppy and not as good as Steph's solo. Finally, Gian Luca gives us a ballet-inspired contemporary solo which didn't really do it for me, but given the judges' aforementioned lack of interest in Ryan, he's probably fine.<br /><br />To keep us entertained while the judges deliberate, we have Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson here to perform for us. She's singing 'Feelin' Good', a song that I used to love before I heard too many overegged cover versions of it. Unfortunately, this is another one: she drags out the opening to a ridiculous degree. Having taken about three weeks to sing the first five lines, she then proceeds to rush through the rest of the song, not bothering to enunciate, as a result of which we have a "possum on the tree" and the "shit of a pine". Not your finest work, J-Hud, I'm sorry to say. <i>[I enjoyed the part where she opened her mouth so wide that she swallowed all of humanity - Chris] </i>Also, this is blatantly a pre-record, despite the best efforts of the show to pretend otherwise, because they could never have set up the band in the little time that they had between the solos and this number, and J-Hud and Cat are never seen in the same shot.<br /><br />Judgement time! Stephanie, Ryan, Paige and Gian Luca return to the stage, and Nigel's ready to give us the results. Nigel says that it's sad to see people go home on the first night without having time to grow. We've already had one non-elimination week, Nigel, I'm not sure how many shows you expect these people to take to warm up. Gian Luca is called forward, and told that it's hard to judge him this evening because he was let down by his partner, but they know he has great technique and they'll be judging him on past performance. Ryan is called forward, and Nigel brings up the "what do I have to do to impress Nigel?" quote from the backstage video, pointing out that it's the voters Ryan needs to impress, and he's obviously not done it. He says that Sisco said the routine had no substance, and he thinks that was an unfair comment, because a good dancer will always make a routine great. Sisco chimes in that he agrees with Nigel on this point, but his mic is down so it's barely audible. I prefer un-miced Sisco. Paige steps forward before she's called, and Nigel calls her "a fun, fireball of talent" and tonight it all went away, and says that they'll have to judge her on past performance too. <i>[I loved that - "we'll have to judge you on your past performances...which were also obviously not very good, because you're going home - Chris] </i>Stephanie is called forward and is told that she served it up tonight, showing how a sexy Latin routine should look, but her first routine was not memorable. Nigel says that the judges' decision was unanimous, and asks Paige and Ryan to step forward again, because they're going home.<br /><br />Ryan takes it on his magnificent cheekbones, while Paige is absolutely distraught, sobbing audibly. Steph puts a reassuring arm on both their shoulders, while Gian Luca gives them both a kiss on the cheek. Steph and Gian Luca make their way sombrely to the pit of sanctity, and will be paired up next week - I'll be interested to see how they work together, actually. Cat's aware that Paige is hating this, and tries to console her by pointing out how much support she has in the audience. As the audience applaud for them one last time, Ryan gives a half-hearted smile and wave, while Paige just looks utterly defeated, and they both have to stand there with their disappointment in full view while Cat reminds us to come back next week. Please. Don't leave us. Before Cat can finish her sign-off, Charlotte and Alice run on to hurl themselves at Paige, and Ryan gets a big hug from Steph, who seems genuinely fond of him. The rest of the Top 20 - now the Top 18 - are soon on the stage, shrouding the evictees in hugs, sympathy and a bit of leftover sweat. There's no dance party, just a sense of sad solidarity, and we end on them all linking arms for a giant group hug. D'aww. See you next week.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-73840338260305025182011-04-24T13:01:00.000+01:002011-04-24T20:05:27.748+01:00So You Think You Can Eat The Scabs Off Kirsty's Feet?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 20: 23rd April 2011</span><br /><br />Welcome to "So You Think You Can Dance?". This recap has been written so that you can enjoy it later, at a time that suits you. Unfortunately Cat on the other hand, is trapped inside that leopard-print hoodie monstrosity from last week for all eternity.<div><br /></div><div>Last Week : Kate Prince got her Archers on, Luke & Shane were upside-down vampires, lots of people ran around in white nighties with the same hair-do like the video for Wuthering Heights but shit, Matt tapped and everyone else in his group felt the cool breeze of a bus going over their foreheads, and Cabbage Alice, Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and Cheekbones Ryan all threw glitter at one-another and grinned, but in the end it was for naught, and the current Blue Peter presenter line-up remained intact. </div><div><br /></div><div>All that however, is now irrelevant, as the COMPETITION STARTS HERE. Everyone's been paired up at random (*cough*) via the means of Cat's Hat, they'll perform once each, and one boy and one girl will GO HOME. Meaning they will no longer be in the running to win the grand prize of a holiday to Disneyland, whatever we can get from the judges handbags in a whipround, the title of Britain's Nicest Dancer, and the So You Think You Can Dance chequebook and pen. [<span style="font-style: italic;">And a cuddly toy! - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>SOYA THICKENER CAN DANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Once the credits are over, and the last bits of that hip-hop dancer who flies into the camera at the end have been scraped off the lens, it's time to meet our Top Twenty. Again. All of them. In case you'd forgotten, or you don't trust wikipedia (and who can blame you given that it currently lists Bethany-Rose's genre as being "ballet") they are :</div><div><br /></div><div>Cabbage Alice : who has an unfortunate red dye-job and thinks she looks like Rihanna</div><div>Charlie Whee! : who this show is trying to make into Beiber 2.0 - the Poshening and who does Contortion Hip-Hop</div><div>Bethany-Rose Lee : Who didn't quite make Top 14 last year, and possibly won't this year either</div><div>Gian Luca Loda : Who is Italian and nothing more</div><div>Charlotte The Barmaid : Who I actually remember not hating at one point in my past history (imagine that could be a thing that was!)</div><div>Israel Donowa : Who murdered Gay Bruce lest we forget.</div><div>Danielle Cato : Who suddenly became Not-Fodder last week, like a moth emerging from a chrysalis BUT WITH SOME GLITTER ON ITS WINGS</div><div>AndrogyLee : If he doesn't do a solo to "Dude Looks Like A Lady" at some point I will be very disappointed</div><div>Katie Love : Follows Arlene around all day going "Are You My Mummy?" in a creepy child's voice</div><div>Lee-Boy : Welsh and likes rolling around on the floor, which is always a good combination from my perspective</div><div>Katrina Ballerina : *Pre-emptive fit of the giggles*</div><div>Angry Luke : Can get his leg up over his head, believes walking has a place in dancing, SO MANY FEELINGS</div><div>Fat Deaf Old Kirsty : Like Pineapple Dance Studios, BUT REAL</div><div>MATTFLINTMANIA : Winning, and not in a Charlie Sheen way</div><div>Generic Paige : Shy, like Lizzie, and the comparisons end there</div><div>Cheekbones Ryan : Can we please try to get him eliminated ON HIS BIRTHDAY?</div><div>Fierce Rithy : Just finalising the wording on the retraining order against Cat as she dances.</div><div>Australian Shane : *sigh*</div><div>Professional Stephanie : Sadly bereft of Zombie Slave Boys this week</div><div>Tom : The Other Tapper</div><div><br /></div><div>And that's all we've got time for on So You Think You Can...oh ok, not really, but it does go on rather. I'm glad they were in alphabetical order so I could prepare myself for it ending and the re-entry into the programme proper. Once they're done doing bad flirting with each other across a cavernous space, Cat srruts out and shows them all how bad flirting is REALLY done, as they all skitter back to their holding pen as she wobbles her boobs at them and honks "OIM DOING A SHIMMAY!". I am a Midlander too. I feel her pain. It's not the best accent to try to hook up with. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Hey, it worked on me. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>She welcomes us all to the show and sadly informs us that tonight we're going to have to brace ourselves and find it in our hearts to cut two of the 428 dancers we're starting the competition with. I CAN'T CAT, THEY'RE ALL SO AMAZING! She cracks a joke that Doctor Who has it easy compared to the terror the contestants will face tonight (although much like Doctor Who, I'm going to forget everything that I've seen the second I take my eyes off it), PARTICULARLY THE JUDGES OH MY GOD THE TERROR.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco Gomez : dressed like a cross between a sea-urchin and a lychee</div><div>Louise Redknapp : Looking like she's mistaken a waffle-iron for a sun-bed</div><div>Arlene Phillips : Wearing a chunky bike-chain round her neck and more bizarre tonight than I've ever seen her and that's saying something</div><div>Nigel Lythgoe : Reliably the same from show to show.</div><div><br /></div><div>As they're introduced they get the standard array of whoops and whistles, and then Nigel wishes everyone a very happy Easter. I wish I could appreciate it, but my bum-hole is already puckering at all the horrific shoe-horned in Royal Wedding references we're going to get next week. I'm already envisioning a group number with Lee-Boy gingered up as a body-popping Prince Harry, Katie Love as Momma Middleton, and Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee as the happy couple. Which way round, only you can determine.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel then spends a good minute and a half explaining to the audience that if you vote for someone, it makes them less likely to go home. THANKS NIGEL! Cat mops up the rest, by explaining that we're voting for couples this evening. The two couples with the fewest viewer-votes will be split up to dance four solos. The judges will then send home one boy and one girl, the survivors then fused together to make a new couple, which will advance onwards, still probably doomed.</div><div><br /></div><div>First couple? Cheekbones Ryan and Professional Stephanie looking very Top Shop indeed. They will be dancing..."Commercial". Which I think is a new genre for this show. Let's see how they explain what this one is then... Stephanie starts their combined VT saying that last week was a wonderful feeling for her, because everyone loved the Contemporary Piece she was a thoroughly anonymous part of. Meanwhile we cut to Ryan saying that conversely he HATED last week, as we cut to a clip of him pointing to his bum and shaking it up and down. This was part of the dance incidentally, not Ryan's commentary on it. It was kind of mine. He says that this means he's got a lot to prove this week. Oops.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hat pick now, and all the girls are still in costume from their Birds Of Vague Empowerment routine last week. The boys sadly are not still in costume from THEIR group-number. Bloody BBC. Stephanie stomps out awkwardly, and stands there waiting to hear who Cat has match-maked her with, as we cut to Ryan gazing wistfully at her like a community-theatre Mr Knightly, like we're supposed to think this is FATE. When his name is finally called, they both leap up and down screaming and he gushes about what an AMAZING partner he has. AMAZING. It's quite sweet, given how obviously doomed they are in hindsight.</div><div><br /></div><div>Commercial is being choreographed by Paul Domaine, who did the Jazz Vampires routine last week, so it's blatantly what was deemed "Pop-Jazz" last year eg Dancing To Do Behind Pop Stars. Paul Domaine explains this himself in not so many words : it's a fusion between jazz dancing and street dancing apparently. Jazzing in the street. In rehearsal Ryan clearly struggles and whines that it's really haaaaaaaaard. He's having to relearn a whole new style of lifting, and forget all of his technique. And grammatic structure by the sounds of it. Cue lots of shots of him dumping Stephanie on her arse and her laughing about it. Backstage she laughs that she feels like she's partnered with a furry/fairy (?) elephant given all the grunting and noises he's making, as Ryan simpers slightly that's she actually really EASY to lift. Stephanie demands that he write this down, so she can get it laminated and STAPLE IT TO HIS FOREHEAD.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ryan became one of Stephanie's subservient Male Slave Zombies so easily didn't he? I think it's best for him that got out here, otherwise he'd be stuck following her for the rest of her life, manning a wind-machine to help her make grand-entrances to glamorous clubs/Netto. YOU'RE NEXT GIAN LUCA.</div><div><br /></div><div>We cut now to an empty studio before the performance, as Ryan and Stephanie hug one another in delight and grin dementedly about how the lighting for the routine is spectacular, and exciting, and outrageous, and contagious, and amazing, and it's fierce, and it's going to come out into the audience and make Stephanie and Ryan feel like popstars. Ryan semi-ironically quips that they'll be J-Lo and Justin. Stephanie guffaws, with her face fully clearly reading that she knows that they're H & Claire at best. Ryan closes by saying that he really wants to get it right, and doesn't want to go home tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>OOPS.</div><div><br /></div><div>They're dancing to "On The Floor" by American Idol Judge Jennifer Lopez and...I really hate when shows go down this route with critique, so excuse my massive hypocrisy, but I can't help but feel that the biggest problem with the routine is that Ryan is serving up the least convincing portrayal of heterosexual desire I think I've seen outside of a Carry On film. The routine is clearly supposed to be carried mostly by the chemistry, and Ryan's face is reading entirely "yes mamma, shake it! Capital knockers! Loving your vagina! Can't wait to get me a slice of those labia!". There's one section in particular where he creeps up behind her, rips open her top and smooshes her boobies, which would get at least fifteen complaints by worried Christians to OFCOM if it was done by ANYBODY else, but such is the lack of heat that it passes on unremarkably. I think Ryan and Stephanie could have (awkward, abortive, him looking at Australian Shane in the wings the whole time) actual penetrative sex on the stage and the most they'd get is a raised eyebrow.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, yes, the lack of chemistry shows the choreography up as being quite flimsy, the lasers play, it's all a bit awkward.</div><div><br /></div><div>They finish by throwing themselves flat out on the floor, if only to make me feel a bit bad because...they did try. Cat pulls them and calls them over, whittering about how she remembers "big fish, little fish, cardboard box" from "back in the day". Whenever Cat's day was. I think it was a Thursday. Cat asks Nigel to begin the critique. He begins with an "erm...". Well, quite.</div><div><br /></div><div>He goes on to say that they were over-shadowed by the lighting, and in fact that was the best part of the routine. He says that Ryan clearly has no love or feel for the music, and whilst Nigel isn't really sure what Commercial is, he knows it wasn't that. Sisco explains to the old man nicely that it's "pop culture", so Ryan's clearly WELL out, unless by Pop culture you mean enthusing about Joss Whedon on internet messageboards. Stephanie then gets slagged for not dancing in heels, and also having a sloppy leg in her pirouette.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene starts her crit by yelling "I WANT DYNAMITE WITH A LASERBEAM!" to no reaction whatsoever. Oh Arlene. [<span style="font-style: italic;">♥ - Steve</span>] She tells Stephanie that she had a lot of attitude when strutting around, but when it came to the lifts her nerve deserted her. She advises her - "when your feet fail you: use your face". Arlene's First Law Of Pub-Fights there. She also slags Stephanie for not wearing heels, and also for not bedding down into the music, because "anyone can bed in with J-Lo". Looking at Marc Anthony, that is kind of the conclusion I'd reached as well. Louise follows by saying that she loved the atmosphere they created, but she thinks nobody's going to remember this routine in an hour's time. Mostly because they'll still be talking about the "chimney sweep's fart" effect employed by whoever was doing your make-up Louise.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco closes by saying that he's a gonna keep it real, and it'll get him into trouble, but he thought Ryan & Stephanie did great given the shitty choreography they were given. Ryan whoops and yells "YEAH! SISCO!" meaning he's just put himself on Paul Domaine's shit-list. No sexy vampires for you Ryan. Sisco says that he wishes them luck, particularly Stephanie, cause she's amazing. Nigel starts blithering and shouting, clearly trying to keep his jazz-choreographer in the room and not storming out in a huff, but Cat ignores him to give out Ryan and Stephanie's number. Oh, we'll be hearing about this later.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next couple are Matt Flint and Charlotte Scally, as the audience scream their lungs out for MATTFLINTMANIA! Cat says that she feels like there's a slight touch of confusion in the air. Did someone show Charlotte a globe and she started panicking that all the Australians are going to fall off? POOR SHANE! They will be performing something called a...foxtrot?</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT we're both reminded that last week both Matt and Charlotte BLEW THE JUDGES AWAY (well...Charlotte didn't, but that's how it's edited so erm...POWER COUPLE! FLINTSCALLYMANIA!) and now they're lucky enough to be paired together in form a super-team of judge-pleasing eleganza. Charlotte gushes about how happy she was to be paired with Matt (who wouldn't be, eh ladies?) but then we're shown them getting their dance choice. Which is foxtrot. </div><div><br /></div><div>THE HORROR!</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat : FOXTROT IS THE KISS OF DEATH!</div><div><br /></div><div>Matt : Foxtrot? FOXTROT?! Sounds poofy to me. We dunt have foxtrot in t'North. Ah'm from Scarborough - we don't do ballroom, and we dunt have Google neithers so I can't be proved wrong in 5 seconds.</div><div><br /></div><div>Scally : WHAT'S A FOXTROT? IS IT A MAKE OF CAR? HERP DERP BERP *walks into window*</div><div><br /></div><div>I am clearly missing something about foxtrot, because it's the easiest dance on Strictly (it is, sorry, they give you 20 points for turning up), and it's never eliminated someone on this show. Why are they making such a big deal of it? It's so easy it's being taught to the couples by Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jaci from Strictly of old, who aren't even specialist ballroom teachers so far as I'm aware. Anyway, Shouty Salsa Chris marches in yelling his head off about how hard foxtrot is, and how Matt and Charlotte are really going to have to push to portray elegance, and the story of the routine is a girl who is just a figment of the guy's imagination, just like Mute Jaci.</div><div><br /></div><div>Matt mumbles on that they don't have elegance in the North and Charlotte does an awful fake posh accent and this is giving me a headache, can we move on please?</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage, and clearly she was right to worry/mug for days about her elegance, because she really isn't showing an awful lot in the routine (to "The Way You Look Tonight"). It might be the candy-floss pink dress, or the fact that her hair has been done by the same person who has apparently done all the girls hair tonight, but she seems a bit juvenile and her movements are a bit clumsy. He's really good when he's on his own (there's a nice shoe-shuffling solo at the beginning that has very little to do with the foxtrot, but which is nice anyway), but he does get pulled into her leadenness when they're together, and the stuff in hold is a bit clumpy. S'alright I guess, but I don't think this sort of stuff is her ballpark, and it pulled him down a bit. They close with a lift that starts well, but dissolves into her clumping off him with her dress all over his face, then she disappears off into the ether. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over, with Charlotte still giggling and snorfling about how she loves her dress and she doesn't even know what a foxtrot IS, IS THAT BAD? Yes Charlotte. Yes it is. Arlene starts for the judges, saying that Matt just made foxtrot the hottest dance in Scarborough. Matt...it looks like he waggles his crotch in response. I guess he knows how to work Arlene. She carries on that technically it was crap, but they made up for it by making the dance "movie star possible". Indeed. Louise next, and Cat informs her that her face was like *this* throughout (*this* being "a seven year old's beatific devotion to Donny Osmond"). I feel we should circumvent Louise actually speaking for all her critique in future, and just have Cat interpret her faces like Marlee Matlin's signer.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise's actual critique? Foxtrot is REALLY HARD but they made it look great. Also Matt is like, really pretty and thing. MATTFLINTMANIA! Sisco follows by saying that he loves Matt's lines and extensions, and that he never knew that Scally could be so elegant. Who knew that chalk and cheese went together so well? I do! Try them in a sandwich Sisco. In large quantities. You'll be BLOWN AWAY. Maybe even add some potato! And grit! Nigel closes by saying that foxtrot is a piece of piss and that QUICKSTEP is the true kiss of death. Oh and foxtrot and tap are really close together, and Fred Astaire did both, so this should have been no trouble for Matt. Nigel is OFF-PISTE tonight I tell you. Oh and he's no going to call Charlotte "Ginger Scally". I don't know Nigel - even in that video where she got molested by a silver midget alien spaceman, Geri was never quite THIS annoying. He closes by saying that he thought there were good technical parts - the rise and fall, the chassis, but this only prompts Arlene to start pointing out that the hold was god-awful, so we move swiftly on.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next couple are Lee-Boy and Katie Love, Lee-Boy looking as awkward as humanly possible, which is about average for someone stood next to Katie Love, who is currently impersonating a cheery manga. They will be dancing Lyrical Hip-hop, which can only mean one thing...</div><div><br /></div><div>Yes it's my own personal nemesis, Kate Prince. Yay. But first, Lee-Boy says that his favourite part of last week's show was performing topless, which combined with the accent give me happy Gavin Henson flashbacks. Katie Love says, much like a cannibal's first taste of human flesh, she never knew she'd love performing on live tv as much as she did. I can see this being...a pairing. Lee says he's very happy with his partnership this week, and also with the fact that, one week after Nigel said that we'd possibly never see any of the hip-hoppers ever hip-hopping again...one of them is hip-hopping.</div><div><br /></div><div>My Nemesis Kate Prince explains to us that this routine is about two flatmates who have always harboured secret sex-feelings for one another, and one day over breakfast, their feelings COME ALIVE. Has anyone ever revealed their secret long-held feelings for one another over cornflakes? I have never had secret sex-feelings for a flatmate, but surely it's more of a "taking the piss out of Judge Judy" sort of route to reveal? Now THERE would be a routine. Arlene could be Judge Judy. Sisco could be the perp. Lee-Boy and Katie Love could make out for the first time as Judge Judy yells "WRONG! YOUR CASE IS DISMISSED! GOODBYE!"</div><div><br /></div><div>The two of them struggle a bit with their characters, so Kate Prince asks them what they think their motivations are. Lee-Boy says he's chasing after Katie Love. Katie Love says that she thinks she's teasing Lee-Boy (SURPRISE!). She illustrates this by wiggling her bum at him and yelling "COME ON! LOOK AT THAT!". I could grow to not mind Katie Love. Kate Prince chews Lee-Boy out mildly for not expressing enough emotion (again, Henson flashbacks), and Lee interviews that it's very difficult for him to portray love when he doesn't feel it as a true emotion towards Katie Love? How could you NOT be feeling love for Katie Love? It's her NAME and her entire existence and everything. She's lying back and imagining Arlene Lee-Boy, clue yourself in and do likewise. (Incidentally, there is a packet of Kelloggs cornflakes in this rehearsal room, (OH YES, THERE ARE PROPS!) and the BBCs blurring out of it is hysterically bad.)</div><div><br /></div><div>In order to improve their chemistry, Lee-Boy makes Katie Love breakfast in bed and does goo-goo eyes at her ineptly. And by "makes", I mean he pours orange juice into a glass, bran flakes into a bowl, and yoinks a fruit-bowl off a hotel lobby reception desk. He brings her the breakfast, and they both pretend to not hate one another as "Love Is In The Air" plays on the sound-track, reminding me we haven't had any hilariously appropriate "Love" related song-choices for Katie Love yet. Maybe "(Katie) Love In An Elevator"? "(Katie) Love Hangover"? "(Katie) Love Will Tear Us Apart, And Then Feast On Our Flesh"?</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, and as usual for a Kate Prince routine, if you squint, you can just about see the dancers around the props. There's a fridge, a table, two stools, four bowls, and a packet of cornflakes. All of these are used in various ridiculous ways throughout. The routine is to "Starry Eyed" by Ellie Goulding, which is actually a decent choice, and gives the storyline of the routine more shape than the choreography does. [<span style="font-style: italic;">As much as I liked the music for this, when they walked out in pyjamas rubbing their eyes, I was kind of hoping for 'Tik Tok' by Ke$ha. - Steve</span>] For a start, they start under the table which makes me think they've shagged already. Although maybe that's how the kids do things these days. Anyway, Katie Love and Lee-Boy munch on their cornflakes, then get a pure LSD hit from the drugs their other flatmate hid in there, and then they starts running round the kitchen trashing the place and shagging up against the fridge, possibly, I don't know. If I had flatmates who revealed their secret sex-feelings all over their cornflakes I'd probably be grateful if they cleaned up after themselves.</div><div><br /></div><div>In terms of the performance, she's out-performing him, but I think he might have her technically, at least on the hip-hop elements. They're both pretty good though, even if she does possibly shatter her coccyx failing to hop herself up on one of the dumb props, I forget which one, at the end. Oh and when they kiss it's the most obvious case of stage "my lips are TIGHT together and smashing into your philtrum" from him I've seen in a while. Pretty good, would be better without all the bits I attribute to Kate Prince.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over, and asks Katie Love if that's how she wakes up every morning (/calls Katie Love a massive slag). Katie Love agrees. Sisco starts for the judges by saying that Katie Love was a star out there on the stage, and she was in character from the first second of the routine. Lee on the other hand, needs to "pull up", because he just got schooled in his own genre by a contemporary dancer. I would have thought, looking at their collective pants, pulling up was anathema to hip-hoppers (/Old Man). Katie Love looks vaguely outraged on Lee-Boy's behalf. Lee-Boy on the other just promises to do better.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene follows by screaming that she "LOVES A GOOD KITCHEN-SINK DRAMA" (I don't think there was actually a kitchen sink in there, but I wouldn't put it past My Nemesis Kate Prince) but Lee really needed to do better, because he was out of time and didn't isolate his chest. Katie Love is going cross-genre, so he needs to do the same. Nigel says that he agrees, but Lee isn't really a dancer, he's more of a breaker, and just does tricks without music, so he's pretty much always going to be outside of his genre. Erm...it'll come with time though...erm...probably...KATIE LOVE IS A STAR.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise finishes by saying she likes both, as quickly as possible, so she can put out the small blaze that has just ignited in the back of her hair, like a bush-fire. Already she can smell bacon. As their numbers are read out, Katie Love tilts her head onto Lee-Boy's shoulder in support. He completely ignores her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next couple? Fierce Rithy and Australian Shane! Huzzah! I feel a spark of actual legitimate excitement! Hooray! They will be dancing Broadway, which of course means Giant Lady. Huzzah again!</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT we're given a brief reminder that last week was a Good Week for Rithy, as she managed to look sexy in hip-hop (cue Rithy saying she doesn't know what Louise was on about, cause she was dressed as a granny), and a Bad Week for Shane, as the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason (cue Shane saying that the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason), before their glorious union is revealed. Rithy notably looks a bit awkward, which she reveals is because of the Ian Waite meets Jeanette Krankie height difference, but Shane looks pleased enough. They're told they have Broadway, and Rithy looks doubly put out, but, you know, she doesn't start squawking "WHAT'S BROADWAY?! WE DON'T HAVE THAT IN BRAZIL? IS IT GIN?!" like she so easily could have.</div><div><br /></div><div>Giant Lady explains that this routine is going to be based around Mr & Mrs Smith, which is one of my favourite films that I have never seen. Both Rithy and Shane are going to be sexy spies, on the same mission, and then they're going to beat the crap out of one another. SHANE-RITHY MEGAPAIRING! GIANT LADY! ASSAULT! What could go wrong?</div><div><br /></div><div>There then follows a scene where Shane extra-double makes sure with Giant Lady that he knows what his character is supposed to be, so the judges can't pull any of that "we feel you weren't sufficiently vampirey" nonsense they did last week, but mostly I'm distracted by his lower portions (not for the first time). He's wearing really weird bottoms where one leg is a trouser leg and one leg is a short leg. This lead to me hoping that part of the routine features them literally tearing bits of clothing off one another but no...that's just fashion these days. I think at some point Giant Lady tells him to channel Daniel Craig as Bond which...yeah, REALLY expressive there. </div><div><br /></div><div>Fierce Rithy's all "my storyline is my awesomeness, fit that into a VT!" and then she and Shane have a play-fight up against a wall. Erotic.</div><div><br /></div><div>To the stage now, and they're dancing their Broadways to "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" - the Nicole Kidman remix, as their super secret sexy spy mission is to steal a diamond. It's actually a really cute routine - more silly and cutesy-sexy than the violence promised. I mean, they throw one another round a bit, but it's not really actually violent. Also they both look a million dollars, with Shane working a Milk Tray Man ensemble like the tall cool drink of water that he is, and Rithy filling every corner of her cat-suit. It's a lot of Get Smart-ish 50s antics, tumbling, and wacky sexy spy faces. More Boris & Natasha than Mr & Mrs Smith, but it's good clean fun, and they look great doing it. At one point Rithy seems to have a bit of trouble with her flaps (ON THE BAG SHE HAS TO PUT THE DIAMOND IN, YOU FREAKS) but other than that? Seamless.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls over the Brazillian and the Australian and tries to get a laugh out of the fact that their names form "Shane Ritchie". They both look a bit bemused. Nigel starts for the judges, gushing at both, saying it was the best routine of the night so far, Rithy showed what hip-hoppers could do, and Shane was so strong out there. Nigel is proud that his nonsense critique of last week had some positive effect. I'm so sure that's what it was Nigel. Arlene follows, telling Shane that he was bang-on 50s Broadway and the whole "lazy Bondi Beach surfer thing" that Arlene apparently saw through the prism of her stereotyping is now GONE. Oh and Rithy is Little Miss Broadway and who knew?</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, taking a break from fighting off Geri Halliwell who's come to get her hair from the Mi Chico Latino video back, to tell Shane that he's really getting there, and Rithy is just getting hotter and hotter. Given that she's basically wearing plastic Louise, I would imagine she is yes. Sisco closes by saying that Rithy is a great representative of New School dancers, like what Sisco is (DO IT LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM SUGA SUGA) and also Shane proved the judges wrong after their mean comments from last week, which he disassociates himself from entirely (*raspberry*)</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up Charlie Whee! and Cabbage Alice, who are apparently going to be learning a whole new language. I hope it's Urdu. </div><div><br /></div><div>We're reminded of last week when Charlie Whee! flew through the air, as the show continues its bizarre attempt to make him Justin Bieber, by playing that "Baby Ooh Noo" song over the top. I really don't think it's going to happen show, but you keep on trying anyway. We're reminded Arlene called him out for his lack of tricks, and Charlie assures us that he many more, which will be shoe-horned into every routine possible. Oh and also Alice existed.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is revealed that they were the last couple to be paired up, which means that Alice is even more of an after-thought than I thought possible. To make the whole Bieber thing worse, he insists that not only does he look like Justin Bieber (he doesn't), she DEFINITELY looks like Rihanna (she doesn't). She chooses to reiterate this comparison in the corridor. WHY? They're told they have Contemporary, and both seem more or less fine with it.</div><div><br /></div><div>My hopes are picked up a little by the fact that Mandy Moore is the choreographer. I guess her flight back to America got delayed and she thought she might as well stick around. She explains that the routine that Charlie and Alice will be performing is a celebration of young love. But not the Gary Glitter kind. Charlie says that he's done some contemporary before, but it's not really his thing. His genre is "contortion breakdancing". Yeah, I don't think that's coming out of Cat's Random Hat any time soon. I think some of the dancer who actually have spines might struggle with it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, it turns out that Mandy Moore uses lots of words that Charlie doesn't understand, like "chassis", "saute" and "sesquipedalian". Charlie expresses this to Mandy Moore, and Mandy Moore finds this adorable and charming. After much learning and sharing and growing and Mandy Moore doing a weird Saturday Morning Kids Cartoon voice, Charlie Whee! learns that to saute means to jump. As ever, Alice is also present. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Interesting that an entire VT is devoted to Charlie not knowing what saute means, but Charlotte never having heard the word "foxtrot" was brushed under the carpet. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, and what song has Mandy Moore chosen to represent the spirit of young love? That's right, it's Amazed by Lonestar, a song so middle-aged that the list of notable covers on wikipedia runs "Bonnie Tyler, Duncan from Blue, Boyz II Men, Ben Mills and a German X Factor runner-up". The video-wall is showing a sunset on the beach, they're both dressed up like they're in an M&S advert, and the whole thing is so bloody Nicholas Sparks I'm afraid she's about to die any second from lurgy/virginity/being hit by a bicycle. They jump around a lot - she looks like she knows what she's doing and is a bit scary about it, and he really doesn't but pulls woobie-face a lot, which is really a better representation of teen love than the routine danced well would probably be. S'alright. When they finish, Mandy Moore looks 50% proud 50% disappointed from the sidelines.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat pulls them over by calling it the Justin Bieber/Rihanna (Evil Bisexual Steven Beale/Kara Louise from Big Brother 8) duet the nation has been waiting for. I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of a real Justin Bieber + Rihanna duet, just because she would actually eat him. Arlene starts for the judges by acknowledging that Alice exists, but she finds it really hard to critique Charlie, because he has enough emotions for all ten male dancers (really? Even Angry Luke?) but his technique is poor. But he speaks the language of dance. But he needs to own it with his body. But that was beautiful. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco says that he agrees with Arlene (which bit?). Alice exists, but Charlie needs to use the hydraulics of his feet some more. Charlie uses his word that he learnt this week in response, and Sisco replies that he needs to be a better support system for that girl whatsername there, but it was beautiful anyway. Arlene then breaks back in to thank Mandy Moore for really pushing the dancers to do things they've never done before, and by "dancers" she of course means "Charlie".</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel follows up by saying that Charlie's saute sucks...............BUT HIS SPIRIT DOESN'T. Can the BBC not flash up a brief "barf warning" for sentences like that, like they do with spiders in the Metro? Nigel hopes that Charlie is long around to learn to be good at dancing, and also Alice exists, and was quite good. Louise doesn't speak, as she's applying a jet-hose to her face to try to get the worst of it off. Meanwhile, Cat notices that Charlie flicks his hair a lot, so decides to bully him for it mercilessly, cackling as he sprints away. Bless Cat.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up are Generic Paige and Gian Luca, dancing Jazz. As they're introduced he properly mugs to camera in character a lot, and she gazes off into the middle-distance. Sounds about right.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT reminds us that last week Paige was "our shy one" (/unable to string a sentence together) and Gian Luca got praise for his contemporary work. Oh and Nigel also compared him to Michael Corleone from the Godfather, which was a bit because he kind of resembles a young Al Pacino, a bit, if you've had whatever happened to Louise's eyes this week happen to yours as well, but mostly because he's Italian. </div><div><br /></div><div>As such, we now get a montage of Gian Luca "doing his Godfather look", Paige being scared of Gian Luca doing his Godfather look, Gian Luca talking about how he's been scaring Paige with his Godfather look. Who needs a personality when you've got a nationality? Mandy Moore pops up to let us know that this was her fault and we can direct all complaints to her, and I possibly will. She tells us that the theme of the routine is that Paige thinks that Gian Luca has cheated on her, and boy is she pissed! Paige lows that this week she is playing a crazy jealous Italian lady, as we watch her slap Gian Luca around like she's a Boots advert, whipping him in the face with a towel and smacking him round the face hard. HERE COMES THE GIRLS! Gian Luca closes by saying that Paige has to keep the feistiness up in the routine, because they don't want to go home.</div><div><br /></div><div>OOPS.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage they're dancing to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green, as Cat informs us very quickly that Gian Luca will be playing an Italian gangster (in every routine from here on out, because he is ITALIAN). He starts by jumping around heavily on the stage doing flirty eyes whilst she...stands on a balcony throwing shoes about and ripping clothes, screaming and thrashing about like Ursula The Sea Witch when she gets harpooned to death. Eventually she gets to the floor and they do some pretty decent tumbling and drama faces before she...falls on her arse and never really recovers, and they both improv into and around one another, with absolutely no connection whatsoever. This goes on for quite a while. They just about recover to get her up the balcony again at the end. It's as bad a performance as I can remember on this show. Even the UK version. In the audience Mandy Moore's face reads "great. I had Charlie Whee! slopping around and now this. Burn the tapes. And Paige."</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat pulls Paige & GianLuca over by telling Paige that she still looks really angry. Can't think why. The Human Remains of Louise Redknapp begin the judging, saying that she really liked that they saw a different side of Paige tonight, but the routine's power fizzled out towards the end. Still, at points it was the best that she's seen Paige dance in this competition. Jesus, how bad is she normally? Sisco follows up by saying that he loved Paige's character but she's far too clumsy. Someone in the audience actually shouts "HATER! BOOOOOO!" and Sisco gives this the drama-face in response that it deserves. It was good, but she needs to work on not falling over quite so much. This isn't "So You Think You Can Fall Down?".</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene next, saying that she loved Paige's character, and if her man didn't return home for the night, she'd be doing what Paige did (toppling around as though drunk and falling on your arse? Yes, probably). But she needs to work on her posture. Nigel finishes by getting to the point that someone else should have perhaps mentioned by now - her falling on her bum. Paige admits that she did, but Nigel praises her for carrying on regardless. And they performed well up until that point. Gian Luca's role/existence in this routine (/show beyond being a big Italian stereotype) gets mentioned for the first time, as Nigel sympathises with him for having to deal with Paige after the slip when she clearly didn't know what she was doing. Gian Luca grabs the mic from Cat and gives the standard "the show must go on" speech, but we're in a post-Strictly world now where you have to pretend every mistake is your fault, even when it clearly isn't, so I'm sure he lost points with the audience for not going "PAIGE SLOPPING AROUND LIKE BRUNO TONIOLI ON ICE IS CLEARLY SOMEHOW MY RESPONSIBILITY".</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, it's Luke and Danielle, performing Samba *LATIN CURSE ALARM*</div><div><br /></div><div>The VT kicks off by reminding us that last week was a Good Week for Luke and Danielle both, with the former getting mad props for her Jazz Vampire routine in comparison with dull ol' Shane, and the latter being officially upgraded from "Fodder" to "Dark Horse". How grand for her. We're shown that Cat's Hat Of Random paired them up second-to-last, and I would imagine they were quite relieved to find one another together, given the alternatives of technique-free Charlie Whee and...that other girl. This will change. Luke interviews that he is indeed glad that they're together, because they're both Judges Favourites, but it also means a lot of pressure on them to live up to that billing. I would imagine the audience's impression of you is still mostly choreographing a walk then throwing a strop Angry Luke, so don't worry too much.</div><div><br /></div><div>Choreographing the samba are, of course, Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jackie. He bellows like Brian Blessed in a wind-tunnel that Luke and Danielle are both really good technically, but they're struggling to really capture the emotion of the dance and express it to one another (/hate each other). Luke snorts derisively that it's difficult to get that instant chemistry going because they don't know one another, but she's a very pretty girl, so he guesses it should be easy. I've got a feeling that Angry Luke's Angry Feelings have found another target, because they really don't seem to be getting on at all, one little bit. </div><div><br /></div><div>Shouty Salsa Chris yells some more, whilst Danielle says that she's just a quiet timid, shy girl, so this whole raunchy thing isn't really her thing. Shouty Salsa Chris tries to bring her out of herself by molesting Mute Jaci and ramming his tongue down her facial holes. This doesn't really work, although Mute Jaci seems quite pleased, in a bemused sort of way. We close with Danielle saying that if they want their samba to work they really need their chemistry to work out, prompting Angry to deliver a very scripted Butlins "what(campers)? Like this?" before nibbling at her ear like disinterested bunny.</div><div><br /></div><div>CONFIDENT IN THEIR SEXUALITY! [<span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcsfHPMtTVU">Just like Mariska Hargitay!</a> - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>They're dancing to "Livin La Vida Loca" whilst the sun goes down on the video-wall, but I would imagine this is a sunset of Mature Adult Sexuality , rather than one of The Beauty Of Young Love To A Hickety-Yick MOR Soundtrack". Except it's "Livin La Vida Loca", so there's nothing very mature about it at all. He's throwing himself into it, all arms and legs and "HA!" faces, and she's doing her best to keep up, but for once the VT wasn't misleading. There's pretty much no discernible chemistry here at all. They're barely making eye-contact and they're a bit flaily around one-another, particularly in the lifts. It ends with him dumping her and walking off towards Sisco. Can't say as I didn't see it coming.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat pulls them over, saying that she thought she saw a bit of Fonzie towards the end there. Given the skirt that Danielle's sort of wearing, I think I might have as well. Nigel starts for the judges by telling Danielle that if Dr Frankenstein had the opportunity to build the perfect human body, he'd take all the parts from Danielle. Nigel then proposes to Danielle, they get married, it doesn't work out, she puts him through the wringer in divorce court, and she opens her own dance studio with the alimony. This happens in five seconds flat, whilst Angry Luke pulls "what a fucking perv" faces at the side. Oh erm, anyway, there was no sex or spice, but call me Danielle? </div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, picking clumps of her skin off the desk and applying them back to her skull like plasticine as she talks, as she responds to a question from Cat asking if Louise thinks that Angry Luke and Danielle will ever not hate one another. Louise says "no". And she KNOWS. As do the Bennett Sisters. Sisco follows, saying that he agrees that there was no Latin flavour to the dance. It bounced, but it did not marinate. DAMNING HURTFUL words from Sisco there. Cat reads out their numbers. They continue hating one another.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up? Katrina Ballerina and The Other Tapper, which is such a fodder pairing that I'm glad they came out and then this happened. They will be dancing hip-hop. She is dressed as a geisha, he is dressed as Indiana Jones' secret boyfriend.</div><div><br /></div><div>In VT Tom says that his favourite part of last week was when he got to briefly breathe the same air as MATTFLINTMANIA! Katrina Ballerina's favourite part of last week, or indeed her least favourite part of last week, or her opinions on anything beyond blinking her little Sarah Teather face is neglected entirely. Such a fodder pair, I swear. It's like watching two "comedy sidekick to the romantic lad" characters get it together in a rom-com - so heart-warming. We're shown them getting paired up, they seem satisfied with that. They're told that they have hip-hop, they seem fine with that, and don't say, start claiming that hip-hop doesn't exist in Hampshire or anything like that.</div><div><br /></div><div>They're being choreographed by Simeon Qsyea aka the Hip Hop choreographer from last series who I actually didn't dislike. He tells us that the routine will be on a Pinocchio theme, with Tom as an archaeologist cum window-dresser (QUICK! SHOW HIM PLAYING POOL AGAIN JUST IN CASE WE THINK HE'S GAY!) and Katrina Ballerina as a model that he brings to life with a kiss. So not so much "Pinocchio" as "Mannequin" then. I don't remember Gepetto bringing Pinocchio to life by means of frenching him. Thankfully.</div><div><br /></div><div>Simeon says that Tom is picking up the moves well (*cue clip of Tom dropping Katrina Ballerina on her back*), but Katrina is suffering a bit of a culture clash moving from ballet to hip-hop. One day we will actually SEE Katrina doing ballet, although hopefully it won't be for a while given that it's almost certainly only going to come as part of a solo-off. Anyway, Katrina starts to wig out and stressing over the newness of the discipline, and Tom very sweetly takes her aside and tells her that she doesn't need to push herself as hard as she does. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL BRIDGET JONES, JUST AS YOU ARE. etc etc. Simeon's advice is to tell them both to go out and do some hip-hop karaoke. Katrina giggles, with Tom's arm around her, that she just knows she's going to hate it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jump-cut to Katrina and Tom bellowing along to "Golddigger" by Kanye West, both as cute as buttons, and then talking about their "swagger" I may become a gross awful shipper over these two, I warn you now. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I understand, but I reserve the right to point and laugh as soon as you start writing slushy fanfic. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now, where Katrina's still in that ridiculous problematic costume, as the band strikes up with that awful Black Eyed Peas song. No, not that one. The other one. Not the OTHER other one. The REALLY bad one. Tom fusses over his model, pecks her on the cheek, wanders off, and then Katrina SPRINGS TO LIFE and starts throwing shapes all over the place, hurling energy about like nobody's business. It's just so nice to see someone throw themselves into the routine with such abandon after mostly awkward efforts at working across styles so far. She's not GREAT (a lot of her moves seem unfinished, she fair slops around the floor in a grounded section), but there's something so infectious about her performance, as evidenced by the ROAR the routine gets at the end that really kind of makes it an unfodderising moment, probably admittedly for all of about two weeks. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Exactly. This is why Nigel had a point about a good dancer being able to make something of a poor routine - not that this was a bad routine at all, but at least 50% of the reason it was amazing was because of the performance. - Steve</span>] Tom is also there, looks hot. At the end he kisses her again, causing her to turn back into a mannequin. *sniff*. So sad. So star cross'd.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over to the judges, citing the name of Scarlett O Hara to reference Katrina. As if there weren't enough awkward cultural mish-mashes in that whole routine that she can't bring the Civil War American South into it. Sisco starts for the judges, leaping to his head screaming "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAP BRAAAAAP". Tom laughs his head off and Katrina looks at him, uncertain as to whether this is a good or bad thing. Oh Katrina, it's Sisco, it's ALWAYS a bad thing on some level. Sisco apologises for "going hood", and continues to speak ghetto-drag-queen in praise of Katrina until Cat forces him to unambiguate himself and say that she was good, just to deconfuse her. Of course Sisco then ruins this by telling Tom that he needs to "pull up", just as Lee-Boy does. Boo! LEAVE MY SHIP ALONE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, wondering why she can suddenly only see out of one eye, saying that she loves Katrina's willingness to throw herself into a new genre, but Tom really needs to improve, because this is two weeks she's felt he paled in comparison to his partner now. Cat says that Louise is tough. Judging from how she looks, she certainly looks like she's been cooking long enough to be. Arlene follows on, saying that Katrina is what this competition is all about (all of a sudden) but Tom's Tutting was out of time. My tutting at the judges being mean to POOR TOM though, is entirely in time. </div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel finishes by saying that he thinks Simeon did a great job by the two of them, because the routine was certainly memorable enough to get votes at the end of the programme, as opposed to, say, Ryan & Stephanie having a gay old time in Laser Quest. Tom and Katrina Ballerina continue to be adorable, and then run off.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next pairing is Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee, which I'm feeling is the genesis for a "Raggy Dolls - The Next Generation" series in waiting. Cat informs us that their week was full of foot phobias and flesh-eating fish. And possibly also dancing.</div><div><br /></div><div>VT shows Lee saying that last week was great, because the crowd was insane (I was there - it wasn't) and Kirsty says that she loved every moment she was up there on stage (I was there - she did). They're then paired up, and they have a great laugh about their complete and utter incompatibility, what with Lee's Androgynous Emo Stylings, and Kirsty's Bubbly Blonde Awkward Enthusiasm. Lee grins, somewhat ironically, that maybe Kirsty can teach him how to smile. SHE ALREADY DID LEE, SHE ALREADY DID. (/Nigel's Barfomatic Quote Generator). </div><div><br /></div><div>Cat then informs us that Lee and Kirsty picked Contemporary out of Cat's Hat, and will be working with Sarah Boulter, who did the Boys Routine last week, and who therefore AndrogyLee presumably has a deep and abiding fear of. Sarah tells them that their routine this week will be about a man who loves a woman, but feels he is unworthy of her love in return. Deep. Power up the Barfomatic Nigel. Anyway AndrogyLee interviews that both he and Kirsty were uncomfortable at the start of training, because they're both jazz dancers and this isn't their style. But wait! Kirsty's not just uncomfortable because of that! She...has some sort of foot phobia! And she'll be dancing in bare feet! So that's why!</div><div><br /></div><div>I have to admit as "I might not able to perform to my full potential this week" reality-tv excuses go "I am afraid of my own feet" is at least a new one. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I'm with Kirsty on this one; feet are disgusting. When I watched Black Swan, I was fine with all the jump-cuts, but the close-ups of feet freaked me the fuck out. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>To remedy this phobia, AndrogyLee, dressed in the T4 off-ramp collection takes Kirsty to get her feet chewed at by carnivorous fish. No, me either. Kirsty screams her head off, we see lots of tiny little fish nibbling at her...let's say be kind and say "dancers feet" and it all feels a bit pointless, but they seem to be bonding, so that's nice.</div><div><br /></div><div>On stage now, and Kirsty in a GIANT DRESS, which is hiding some sort of podium, as AndrogyLee sits watching her from behind on the floor in spotlight. Then "Turning Tables" by Adele starts up and they start dancing and...it's actually legitimately really very good. They're both acting the hell out of it, and their movements are very quick and aggressive when they need to be, but also soft and delicate when the choreography calls for it. He gives good anguished, which is no surprise, and she gives good imperious, which kind of...is. There are hidden depth to Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty, and I'm glad we're seeing them, although it'd be nice if we could peel her off Contemporary some time soon. High drama, high glamour, well staged. Very good job, and the best of the night.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over by talking about the fish, and asking what they did to Kirsty and AndrogyLee's feet. AndrogyLee says very matter-of-factly that they bit the scabs off. Everyone recoils in horror and disgust, and Kirsty lets rip a massive belly-laugh. Nigel starts for the judges, saying it was intense and wonderful and beautifully danced, but then implies that they got lucky by getting good choreography and landing near their home-genres. Which...that's the structure of the show Nigel, well done. </div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene follows up, saying that Kirsty and AndrogyLee are probably two of the most enigmatic dancers in the competition. Really? Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty? Enigmatic? OK... She then says that she disagrees with Nigel, and that Kirsty wasn't at all in her genre (FINALLY! THANK YOU!) and she danced beautifully. She does think that both of them need to work on their feet, and use wooden rollers to gain an in-step. I have a massive in-step Arlene, how do I get rid of it? HELP ME FOOT-DOCTOR HELP ME!</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise, still rapidly disintegrating, follows up by saying that she really liked that routine, because it showed a different side of Kirsty. Normally she's an unbearable ham, but tonight she really gave a very intimate performance. Oh and Lee was as "intriguing" (/femmy) as usual. Sisco closes by calling it an emotional trip, and the best routine of the week, with them the best dancers of the week. I hate agreeing with Sisco quite as often as I have done this week. Feels WRONG.</div><div><br /></div><div>Last up then, are Israel and Bethany-Rose Lee. Cat introduces them by saying that this week she doesn't know if Israel & Bethany-Rose were practising their dancing or auditioning for Casualty. Can't say as I'd blame them if it were the latter. Can't hurt to get a head-start.</div><div><br /></div><div>In their VT, both Israel and Bethany-Rose remind us that last week was a Good Week for them. Well really, it was more of a "Upper End Of Average Week", but they'll take what they can get. They too seem perfectly fine with being paired together (BOO! MORE HATE-FILLED MISMATCHES PLEASE!), although when they're told they've got Disco, Israel's eyebrow does a .9 of a Roger Moore. Maybe he doesn't know that Disco means the return of...</div><div><br /></div><div>GIANT LADY. Huzzah. She says that disco is a fusion of many different cultures (most of them gay and/or black) and also involves many, many dangerous lifts. Huzzah again! Let's close the show on a crippling injury! I know you can do it guys! This of course means a montage of Israel dropping Bethany-Rose on her face and poking her in the eye, and worrying about it to camera. Bethany-Rose's opinion on Israel's repeated attempts to destroy her are not recorded, except to say that she's more tender than the feelings that Charlie Whee! gives Nigel in his Barfomatic place.</div><div><br /></div><div>Somewhere backstage Bethany-Rose has a word though, as Irsael is carted off to the gym, where he pumps iron whilst she watches, nomming at a pink cupcake, gleefully calling him "Izzy" and try to push him on to develop some muscles somewhere. We close with him attempting to bench-press her, and her collapsing down onto his face and upper-chest laughing awkwardly. Hopefully this is part of the routine.</div><div><br /></div><div>We join things in medias twirl, as Israel and Bethany-Rose are beginning their disco routine (to the Beyonce bit of "One Night Only" from the hit movie "Beyoncegirls", starring Beyonce), in the middle of a rotating lift. This is probably fortunate for him, as he demonstrates for a lot of the rest of the routine that getting into and out of lifts isn't really his thing. So it's a bit of a pisser that he's got Disco then. He is at least smiling throughout, often slightly manically, but it's still smiling. Bethany-Rose is alright, albeit a bit anonymous and not really selling it very hard. Up-tempo, enjoyable, a bit sloppy, but it'll do. I can't help thinking they were really helped by performance position in terms of this "BUT DO YOU REMEMBER IT AT THE END OF THE EVENING?!" thing they're pushing tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat calls them over and says that they were very shaky in rehearsal, but that went much better. Israel looks unconvinced, although I'm not sure as to whether it regards the first or the second half of that sentence. Arlene starts by bellowing "I LOVE A GOOD HUSTLE!"(who doesn't?) but she then follows by saying that Israel was too afraid of Bethany-Rose in the lifts, and Bethany-Rose's feet weren't quite sharp enough. Louise, hanging onto existence by her very last thread, says that Israel made her feel nervous throughout the performance, and she didn't like it. She gets that he's a hip-hop dancer, and so not used to working in a pair, but he didn't look comfortable handling Bethany-Rose up there.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco follows by saying that Israel may not be the most stable partner, but he really loved that he tried his level best with GIANT LADY'S DEADLY LIFTS. Giant Lady smiles gleefully at the idea of her own DEADLY LIFTS in the audience. Nigel finishes by saying that he remembers seeing Arlene's movie (*look of panic sweeps over Arlene's face*) "Can't Stop The Music" (*look of relief passes over Arlene's face*). That's pretty much it for that point. Then he praises Israel for his energy and exuberance and we fall into an awkward bit about how Israel's probably never lifted a girl into the air and spun her around before EH, EH? Israel looks terrified and garbles out a non-sentence before Nigel quits being gross and moves onto Bethany-Rose. Who was also exuberant. Oh and he also hates those flat-shoes that she's wearing. Sisco tells him derisively to blame wardrobe and styling (OH THE IRONY) and we are done for the dancing portion of this evening.</div><div><br /></div><div>Still time for some more Judging Madness though. Cat asks Nigel what he thought of the overall standard this evening. He says that he felt there was a real theme of one partner in a routine letting the other one down. I'm guessing he means... Ryan, Lee, Charlie, Paige, Tom and maybe Israel? Wow, that's a lot of boys. He really should mean Scally as well, but he probably doesn't. He does know that many of them were working outside their jahhhhhhhhhhhnres, but he thinks there are quite a few who are at danger of leaving this evening.</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene is asked if anything surprised her tonight, as if anything could any more, and she replies that Katrina Ballerina Goes Hip-Hop did, because she never thought she'd see her doing anything other than looking blandly elegant. Personally I never thought I'd see her do ANYTHING, so it's even more of a surprise to me. Louise's Corpse is asked who she thinks stood out as being good this evening. She says Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty & AndrogyLee, obviously, because they really threw themselves into it. Sisco is next, and picks out Tom (*snort*) and Paige (*duh*) as the most likely to be leaving this evening. WHAT IS THIS HATE-BONER FROM THE JUDGES TOWARDS POOR TOM?! (*power votes*)</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel is then asked by Cat how the voting works, and he says that people will vote on who they remember, based on the VTs and their back-stories, and also a bit the dancing. He then gets all weird, yelling "POP QUIZ CAT, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST DANCE YOU SAW THIS EVENING?!" like if she gets it wrong he's going to have her mother killed or something. Cat replies that she knows there were lasers and Nigel barks at her all "WHY ARE YOU REMEMBERING THE LASERS AND NOT THE DANCING?!". Cat pretty much stares at him until he shuts up.</div><div><br /></div><div>PHONE LINES ARE OPEN! WOOO! So here's a quick reminder of the evening's routines :</div><div><br /></div><div>H & Claire get the laser treatment ; WHAT'S FOXTROT HERP DERP HERP DERP ; The Kate Prince Sexual Breakfast Club ; Rithy & Shane are sexy spies ; Nicholas Fizzles ; The Worst Routine In The History Of This Fair Show ; Luke & Danielle hate one another to a Latin beat ; Katrina & Tom become my OTP ; the most bearable use of Adele on tv all year ; Karen Bruce's DEADLY LIFTS claim another victim</div><div><br /></div><div>Steve will have your results recap in a separate entry. Not to give away who leaves, but I am 50% delighted, 50% devastated. I loved my Ryan Cheekbones. </div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-8783388068527592742011-04-17T10:44:00.000+01:002011-04-17T15:37:20.615+01:00Live and schticking<span style="font-weight: bold;">Top 20 Showcase: 16th April 2010</span><br /><br />So after three weeks of auditions, more auditions, choreography camp, and BARROWMAN and Sisco's school of heterosexuality, we're finally getting to the important stuff: the live shows! We might even be able to offer you a bit of insight above and beyond what appears on your telly screen this week (assuming that anything on this blog passes for "insight" in the first place), since Chris and I actually managed to be in the studio audience for tonight's show. That's how dedicated we are. And how much we want to befriend Nigel. <i>[Woo! Nigel! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU! - Chris]<br /></i><br />Cat reminds us that during the auditions, they searched the nation and found some incredible dancers, but even that wasn't enough to satisfy those mean ol' judges, who found some contestants fat, old, boring or all three. However, 20 dancers were thin, young and exciting enough to qualify for the live shows, and now they're get to showcase their dazzling talents in front of the viewing nation. The winner gets the chance to dance in Hollywood and £50,000 (a prize fund that, Chris pointed out to me earlier this week, is only slightly less than the money given to the winner of <span style="font-style:italic;">RuPaul's Drag Race</span>, which airs on cable to an audience of about half a million viewers. Whether the winner of this show also gets a shitload of free vodka remains unconfirmed.)Nonetheless, everyone's out to win, and this! Is Shoogaboogacandance!<br /><br />We open with a group number featuring the entire top 20, performed to Rihanna's 'Don't Stop The Music', in which the boys are all sexy sailors and the girls are all the secretarial staff at naval college, or something. One thing that's quite promising from the outset is that there seems to have been a noticeable rise in quality from the audition stages - Fat Deaf Old Kirsty in particular is a lot sharper in this than I've ever seen her before. Danielle gets a featured spot and wastes no time making love to the camera. As they're all paired up, I wonder if this will be who they'll dance with when the competition starts properly next week. I'm inclined to think not, because Matt's dancing with Kirsty, which seems like a very odd partnership, but then stranger things have happened on this show. <i>[Like Sisco - Chris]</i> Ryan also makes the most of an opportunity to get some camera time, and Lee C gets a featured spot doing a backflip and some impressive breakdancing. Tom and Matt are also given their own bit to do, which is as tappy as you can actually be when you're not wearing tap shoes, and invisible Alice seems to be struggling a bit at the end.<br /><br />Cat arrives and welcomes us to the show, bringing us the good news that no one's getting eliminated this week. Hooray! I actually think this is a really good idea, and it's a shame they didn't have time to do it last year - considering the dancers are all about to be thrust out of their comfort zones, it's helpful for us to see how good they are at what they claim is their area of expertise (for most of them, anyway). Of course, they will still be subjected to the judges, who get their own VT, but it's made up almost entirely of bits we've already seen, so I'm just going to skip that if it's okay with everyone. Arlene and Sisco enter from stage left - Arlene is looking lovely in a white dress and a snazzy pair of red shoes, and Sisco is looking...very Sisco-esque. He's scraped all his hair back à la Beyoncé in the 'Single Ladies' video, and appears to be going for some sort of bonda matador look. Maybe he'll be doing a paso doble later? Louise and Nigel enter from stage right, with Louise in a shimmery, glittering dress and Nigel in a silver suit. On-set Insight #1: Louise's dress doesn't seem to have gone down terribly well with viewers, but I can only assume this is a "failure to translate to TV" issue because in person she looked absolutely stunning.<br /><br />Cat returns to the stage and looks at the wrong camera for a good ten seconds (ahh, live TV) and reminds us that the dancers will be showcasing their strengths tonight, but we'll be chatting to the judges first. Nigel tells us that the dancers can relax tonight because there's no danger of elimination, and this is a chance to show us who they are. He tells us that in that first routine (courtesy of Mandy Moore), we saw how clean the dancing is this year, and he adds that while we had some great individuals last year, this year the group as a whole is strong. Cat asks Louise what the dancers will be feeling, and Louise thinks they'll be anxious, nervous and excited, but they just need to come out and give it their all. Cat then turns to Sisco and does an Elvis impression that at first I mistook for a growly sex face. I have to say, I was quite relieved when I worked that out. Nigel's clearly reading my mind, because he likens Sisco's hair to "Elvis and Beyoncé" and Cat points out that that's "two divas in one". Three, surely? Sisco reminds us once again that THIS IS NOT BRITAIN'S BEST DANCER THIS IS BRITAIN'S FAVOURITE DANCER, THAT'S HOW THAT CLUMSY OX CHARLOTTE AND FAT DEAF OLD KIRSTY GOT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, and that they have to - wait for it - "live". This gets absolutely no reaction from the studio audience, and I have never been prouder of a group of total strangers with whom I'd been thrown together in my entire life. After that, Arlene explains that next week everyone will be dancing with partners, and they'll have to have chemistry and they'll need to remember what they had in that first routine, which "looks like it was mixed by Brian Cox in a science lab, they need all the chemistry they can get". Except Brian Cox is a physicist, so he probably doesn't do all that much mixing in the lab. <i>[Maybe she's talking about the Brian Cox Pantene advert that is no doubt imminent - Chris]</i> Still, Arlene without those slightly clumsy turns of phrase wouldn't be Arlene, and I for one wouldn't want her any other way. Cat also draws our attention to Arlene's subtle but snazzy diamond accessories, and the audience whoops rather mutedly. On-Set Insight #2: I don't think many of us could actually see them from where we were, hence the slightly quiet response. I whooped loudly anyway, because I'm easily led.<br /><br />Time for our first group number, from Shane, Bethany Rose, Luke and Katie. VT, anyone? Oh, I think so: we start with Katie, who tells us that she's crazy and scatty, because she likes food and music. Whoa, steady on there, YOU LOON. Primetime BBC1 is just not ready for your madcap stylings. She continues that she's not too precious about image and is quite happy to do whatever's asked of her in that respect: "if you can't have pink hair when you're 24 and on the telly, when can you?" Next up is Shane, who is from Australia, and illustrates this by posing outside a Walkabout. Presumably his choice was either that or just walking around Acton. He's been here for about 10 months, and doesn't consider himself a typical Australian because he can take or leave things on the BBQ front, although he does like Vegemite. I feel like I am learning a lot here. His mum hasn't seen him dance in five years, but has come over to watch him on the show. Bethany Rose is from Devon, and loves animals because they don't answer back. Although they do bite. She didn't make it onto the show last year, you may remember, and says that she's spent the year working hard. Luke is 30 (gasp!) and from Leicester - he's been working on shows like <span style="font-style:italic;">Cats</span>, <span style="font-style:italic;">Grease</span>, and <span style="font-style:italic;">Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert</span> recently, but he's ready to be in the spotlight and do something bigger and better. They are the Jazz group, and illustrate this by doing jazz hands, naturally.<br /><br />They're performing a vampire-themed routine to Evanescence's 'Bring Me To Life', which begins with Luke and Shane suspended from the ceiling upside down, and frankly they've both got my vote for being able to do that without vomiting all over the studio. Bethany and Katie are presumably vampire fangirls, and start macking on the guys as they're lowered from the ceiling <i>[either that or they love Spiderman and got CONFOOSED - Chris]</i>, and then get their own little featured spot over the side of the stage so that we don't have to watch Luke and Shane releasing themselves from the harnesses, and then there's a bit of snarling from the guys before an acrobatic display - Luke and Shane's aerial cartwheels are particularly impressive. Luke is going above and beyond in his commitment to the roll, going as far as to lick Katie's ear in the middle of a lift. It ends with the girls throwing themselves into the boys' arms and being carried off to the crypt or whatever.<br /><br />Cat calls it "<span style="font-style:italic;">Twilight</span> meets Liza Minelli meets jazz hands meets 'I wanna suck your blood'." Indeed. Nigel namedrops choreographer Paul Domaine just to help things along, and credits him for tapping into the general vampire lust that exists in popular culture right now. He thinks they were very sexy vampires, but he thought that Shane was a little toothless "and for a vampire, that's no good, son." He thinks Shane needs to get into character a lot more. Luke, on the other hand, was bang on and the girls' technique was fabulous. Cat asks Shane to give us an evil look, and I assume Shane probably didn't have to look far to summon feelings of murderous rage right now. Arlene thinks they set the standard flying high, and she really got her teeth into the routine. She thinks that Bethany and Shane had dead arms and she wants to see them "LIVING!" Again, no reaction to this. Keep it up, audience! Also, Arlene: please don't assume that just because Sisco keeps saying "living!" that it's ever going to catch on. He said it frequently last year, when this show had about two million viewers more than it's getting at the moment, and it didn't work then, so I really don't think it's going to happen. Louise agrees with the dead arms in places, but says that they all brought the power and made the routine work. She agrees with Nigel that Shane needs to lose his inhibitions. Cat asks Sisco if first-week nerves are to blame for Shane's issues, and Sisco non-answers that he doesn't know what show the others were watching, because that was hot. He thinks they were all believable, and he was jealous of the kisses. He thinks they all did well. And if I may throw in my $0.02 here, obviously I know shit-all about dancing, but I didn't see anything wrong with Shane in this routine at all. He was just "on" less than Luke was, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.<br /><br />The jazz dancers trot off, and it's the hip hoppers: Lee C, Rithy, Charlie and Israel. Lee tells us that he had encephalitis when he was seven, which scrambled his co-ordination, and the doctors suggested trampolining as part of his recuperation to help him restore it. He went on to be a champion trampolinerist, and was inspired by a breakdancer in a club to move into dance. Rithy is Brazilian and crazy and loves people. She appears to be one of those people who couldn't sit still even if her life depended on it. She says it doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it with passion. Israel is the youngest dancer on the show, and has only been dancing for four years - he thinks he's good, but he wants to be better. He has supportive parents, which is nice. Charlie is currently studying a degree in circus, and even Charlie's like "yeah, who knew that was a real thing?" I imagine that David Cameron is tabling motions to cut all funding for things like that as we speak. He says that he's got a few tricks ready for the live shows.<br /><br />They're all dressed as old people, so you know right away that Kate Fucking Prince must be behind this routine. The theme from <span style="font-style:italic;">The Archers</span> plays and everyone mugs their very best old-people behaviour (incidentally, with Charlie in a tweed jacket and his hair parted on one side, he kind of looks like Matt Smith as The Doctor). Lee fiddles with the wireless and retunes it to Run DMC's 'It's Like That'. Charlie and Lee show off their best breakdancing moves first of all, before Rithy and Israel do some interesting work with their canes that involves contorting themselves around each other. Charlie and Rithy do backrolls over Lee and Israel respectively, and Charlie's hat flies off in the process, meaning that it's right in the way of the next bit, where they're all lined up on the floor, jumping over each other, although full marks to Lee for thinking quickly, and grabbing it when he gets near and lobbing it offstage somewhere. Charlie does some of his contortions at the front, while Lee and Israel chuck Rithy into the air cheerleader-style. It ends with Charlie retuning the radio to 'Barwick Green' again and everyone remembering that they are old and stuff. Ugh. Still, at least there weren't any tramps involved. Kate Prince applauds in a fairly surly fashion.<br /><br />Cat summons them all over, and they all stagger over, old-person like. You can't knock their commitment, I guess. Sisco says that that piece is exactly how he imagines Nigel's house. Nigel chips in that that was Arlene's last birthday party. <i>[33 again! - Chris]</i> Sisco loved their commitment and they left him wanting more. He can't wait for them all to get hip hop again, which could conceivably never happen. Louise loved that we had hip hop and theatre, and she loved the synchronisation, and she thought Rithy made hip hop sexy <i>[Hip hop of course generally being a genre known for it slack of overt sexuality - Chris</i>]. Cat interjects unnecessarily that Rithy "held her own, and there's three guys up there." Should we be surprised by this? I don't like this general idea of humouring the girl by pointing out that she did well by not sucking in comparison to the guys, especially when Rithy genuinely was great in that number on her own terms. Arlene loves their acting and personality, and calls Charlie "Bieber baby", telling him that she loves his tricks but he needs to start learning some new ones. Charlie assures us that he has more tricks up his sleeve. Nigel agrees that they've taken a risk with Charlie and they're expecting him to grow. He turns to Rithy (pronouncing it as it's spelt, rather than "Richie" like everyone else has been saying), pointing out that she's not even a b-girl and did so well in this, despite being out of her element. He's looking for Lee and Israel to provide some exciting moves, and he knows they're going to be really exciting.<br /><br />Up next are Danielle, Katrina Ballerina, Gian Luca and Stephanie with a contemporary piece. Danielle cops to being a total Britney Spears fangirl, and we see a photo of her as a teenager with a bad blonde dye job. She's very excited about the first live show. Stephanie lives in Kent (hooray!) and her specialty is Latin dancing. So quite why they've lumbered her with a contemporary routine, I'm unsure. Mind you, she's not the only one with this problem tonight. Just wait until you see what Fat Deaf Old Kirsty gets stuck with. Danielle's been working as a professional dancer (as Cha Cha in <span style="font-style:italic;">Grease</span>, by the looks of things), but she wants to learn all the skills on this show. Katrina works at her mum's dance school, and was taught ballet by her mum when she was five. Anyone else hoping we're going to get some kind of <span style="font-style:italic;">Black Swan</span> moment from the two of them at some point, or is that just me? <i>[WHERE'S MY SWEET GIRL? Still here mum... - Chris]</i> She's hoping that being the only ballet dancer will help her stand out. Gian Luca is Italian, and is also ballet-trained, and is a part-time model. He's the oldest dancer here, but thinks that's an advantage because he has the experience.<br /><br />I'm sure you will all be shocked to learn that this contemporary number features everyone in billowing monochrome outfits soundtracked by serious MOR music - in this case, Andrea Bocelli's version of 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. Not that I'm suggesting this show is a bit overly-narrow in its display of contemporary dance, or anything. (And yes, I'm going to eat those words after the next routine, but I feel my point stands all the same.) Danielle stands out as the best in this routine - there's just something incredibly watchable about her, although Stephanie and Katrina don't exactly embarrass themselves either. Gian Luca is a bit harder to pin down - he seems to have more of an enabling role in this routine than anything that's specifically his own, but he's not wowing me.<br /><br />Louise loved the change of pace and sound, and says that contemporary is about digging deep and immersing yourself in, and she thinks Danielle conveyed every emotion in that routine. Danielle says that she's so emotional, because she loves that song and loves dancing with these amazing dancers. Sisco thought they complemented each other brilliantly, and he felt like he was watching a company. He thinks the bar has been set very high for all four of them. Cat asks Arlene if it's impressive for them to have developed chemistry so soon, and Arlene says that they have technique for days and own their bodies. She credits Gian Luca with "the passion of a Bruno Tonioli or a Vincent Simone" (HA!) and Nigel adds that as he's got older he can't believe how much he enjoys watching the marriage of music and movement, and he found this very uplifting and moving. He tells Gian Luca that he reminds him of a young Michael Corleone from <span style="font-style:italic;">The Godfather</span> and asks him if he has mob connections. Hmm. It's no <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.com/2010/11/we-speak-no-americano.html">"you're like a little Lenny Henry!"</a>, but it still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.<br /><br />Up next are "our Broadway brat pack" - Lee B, Charlotte, Paige, Matt and Tom. Tapper Tom says he's not a typical dancer, he's a lad's lad (shots of him drinking beer and playing pool and DEFINITELY NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT LOOKS GAY OR ANYTHING). He wants to bring tap to a wider audience and make people realise how difficult it is. Paige is a disco dancer, and looks as bored by her own VT as I am. She likes dressing up, although she needs to work on her "I ENJOY THIS!" face if she plans on doing this sort of thing on a regular basis. She's shy and nervous, but she comes alive when she dances, she assures us. Lee is from Plymouth and is a jazz dancer, but was apparently not allowed to be in the actual jazz routine, so I guess he's another person not exactly giving us his specialty tonight. He says that he doesn't try to be different on purpose, but he just stands out anyway, and this segues into a rather cruel montage of people walking past him and pointing and staring. I mean, he's not THAT weird, guys. <i>[I thought it was supposed to be people having their heads turned by his androgynous sexuality rather than his weirdness. Which would probably be a bit kind NO OFFENCE ANDGROYLEE - Chris]</i> [<span style="font-style:italic;">Well, I assumed the same thing, but even in that context, I'm struggling to see his appearance to be as noteworthy as the show seems to think it is. I mean, he's a lean dude with long hair, we had tons of those where I grew up. - Steve</span>] Oh, and it's soundtracked by The Killers' 'Somebody Told Me', as in "somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend." Seriously, show, lay it on thicker why don't you. He thinks he can bring something individual to the competition. Charlotte is also a jazz dancer, and is BUBBLY AND OUTGOING. On-Set Insight #3: her friends were sat in front of us and were super-loud, and kind of rude to the other dancers. Not that this should have any reflection on Charlotte herself, who I'm sure is perfectly lovely, but I feel it merits saying all the same. She says that some people say she looks like Christina Aguilera. If this is true, they're wrong: she looks like Sheridan Smith in <span style="font-style:italic;">Two Pints Of Lager And A Pint Of This Show Should Have Been Cancelled Years Ago</span>. Matt's VT is soundtracked by 'Thinking Of Me' by Olly Murs, which I'm hoping is the show's way of suggesting that Matt too is a bit of a bellend, but we'll see. He's an adrenaline junkie, and he likes FOOTBALL AND MANLY NOT-GAY THINGS! He wanted to be a dancer because he thought it would improve his chances with the girls, AND IT DOES LOL NOTGAY!<br /><br />They've got a bit of an overall Broadway montage, which starts with something that I believe is from <span style="font-style:italic;">A Chorus Line</span> and showcases everyone, before Lee, Charlotte and Paige are sent offstage to allow Matt and Tom to do a tap duet. And it's not that it's not enjoyable or impressive, but it does go on for quite a while, and none of the others get anything like the same amount of exposure in the routine, so it does feel a tad unfair. Lee at least gets a little bit of a solo spot immediately afterwards, although the camera disappears in the middle of it, and Charlotte and Paige eventually get to go at the front for 'Anything Goes' - briefly. Seriously, if I were them, I'd be feeling short-changed right now.<br /><br />Cat calls Matt "heartbreaker" (I'm so pleased we've got an entire series of *that* to look forward to), and Arlene says it was the campest thing she's seen all year. I wonder if Tom and Matt are annoyed that all that energy they spent on being MANLY AND NOT GAY in their VTs was for naught. She loved the tapping, but she thinks Tom needs to keep his arms strong, and she thinks Lee was great in the lift, and the girls have great personalities, but they need style for Broadway, to think "neat and clean". Nigel thought it was entertaining, but felt it was both a mash-up and a mess-up. He's quick to exonerate Giant Lady, the choreographer, from blame in all of this because she just did what was asked of her given the mixed bag of talent, but Nigel would've liked to see the tap as its own routine and Lee and the girls as their own routine, but putting them together felt a bit disparate. He thinks they'll all do well in the competition, and he hopes for a proper tap duet from Matt and Tom at some point. Louise says that Broadway is entertainment, and the tap really worked for her and brought the room to life. She tells Matt that he made it look easy and Tom needs to make sure he can keep up. I have a feeling that I'm going to be an enraged Tom stan by the end of the series if people keep insisting he's playing catch-up with Matt. Sisco disagrees, because he loved it, but he thinks Paige needs to hold her centre of gravity, because she's sloppy on her landings and her posture on her pirouettes is extremely ugly, but as a whole it was great. Cat reminds us that Paige is the shy one, and Paige backs this up by being fundamentally incapable of stringing a sentence together. Good job she's not on So You Think You Can Articulate Yourself Effectively, I guess.<br /><br />Finally we have Fat Deaf Old Kirsty, Ryan and Invisible Alice, who seem to be "the leftovers" and have been classified as "contemporary". Fine for Ryan, who we saw audition with a contemporary piece, but Kirsty? Need we remind you what happened when Kirsty attempted contemporary <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/04/so-you-think-you-can-point-at-bits-of.html#kirsty">last time</a>? This doesn't bode well. Ryan is from the Isle of Wight and has cheekbones, and reminds us of his ill-advised sob story. Remember: my brother died of cancer makes you sound sympathetic. My brother died of cancer on my birthday makes you sound like you have a really odd set of priorities. <i>[Given as how the Internet loves to show off its ZOMG EDGINESS AND CYNICISM by whinging loudly about "sob stories"</i> <i>at every possible opportunity I personally doubt it'd make much difference - Chris] </i>Anyway, dancing helps him through his emotions, and he's much happier now. He does endear himself to me a little bit by saying that he's been training in all the different genres like a madman, because it's not like he's going to get this chance again. I like that attitude a lot. Invisible Alice is from Leicester and has never been seen before. Her family is very showbiz - her great grandfather was a jazz singer, and her grandmother is 85 and still tap dances. She hope people see her for who she is. But who is that? Buggered if I know. Kirsty used to do burlesque dancing with a girl group, and got to dance with Dita Von Teese. Dita Von Teese does seem quite happy to turn up for just about anything, though, so I'm not sure how much of an endorsement this is. Kirsty says that they found she was deaf when she was 12, adding that people had been assuming she was a daydreamer ("I probably was daydreaming as well, but it was because I couldn't hear anything anybody was saying" ♥). She adds that she doesn't consider it as a disability and doesn't want to be known as "Poor Kirsty". I'm guessing she's not going to be crazy about being called Fat Deaf Old Kirsty, in that case.<br /><br />Now, in this routine's favour, it is a contemporary routine where no one is wearing white, and where the music actually has a tempo to speak of (Gnarls Barkley's 'Crazy'). Unfortunately, that's about the only good thing I can say about it. They appear to be on the set of <span style="font-style:italic;">Not Going Out</span>, and while all three of them are doing their best to sell what they've been landed with (Kirsty in particular is all eyes, tits and teeth throughout, though Ryan and Invisible Alice aren't far behind), but the routine as a whole is just a mess and doesn't really make sense as a narrative or as a showcase of technique - at one point Kirsty grabs a bowl full of glitter and starts chucking it around everywhere, making it all just look like they're all high. <i>[LOL MENTALLY ILL!!!!!! - Chris] </i>It ends with them all leaping off the stage. I don't blame them.<br /><br />Louise thinks they gave it 100%, but there's a fine line between dancing and acting, and she thinks the overegged acting detracted from the dancing. Sisco surprises himself by agreeing with Louise, saying that he doesn't know if this is what the requirement was, and if so they did what they were told, but it was too cheesy for such a gloomy song. Arlene says that we all know she was not a fan of Kirsty, but she's eating her words now because she couldn't stop watching her in that routine. She hopes they were all required to look crazy. Cat asks Kirsty if the craziness was a requirement of the routine, but Kirsty isn't looking at her and so can't really hear her properly, but eventually all three of them confirm that it was deliberate.<br /><br />So everyone's performed, but we still have two more group numbers. First up are the boys, who will be working on a contemporary routine taught by Australian choreographer Sarah Boulter, who explains that the routine is about the strength and power of a man, to show off the boys' physicality. <i>[As excuses for stripping goes, that one's up there - Chris]</i> Israel says that there's a lot to think about. Sarah insists that the boys take their shirts off, and this is not a happy development for everyone. She also suggests they need some fake tan, so the girls come in to paint them all orange. Seriously. I hope none of these girls are beauticians in their downtime, because this point does not speak highly of their skills. Charlotte tans Lee, who says it's fine, "as long as I don't turn out like Scally". Hee! Charlie thinks he looks like an Oompa Loompa. Sarah has complete trust in the boys and thinks they'll be terrific.<br /><br />This, for my money, is the best routine of the night, and not just because of the shirtlessness. It's visually arresting, with each of the solo spots being single out in spotlights, and being lit directly from above giving it all an otherworldly quality. It features some genuinely breathtaking choreography, and the guys deliver what's asked of them and more. I can't help noticing that in comparison to the rehearsal footage, some of these guys have had some serious waxing done <i>[BOO! - Chris]</i> - Matt and Ryan most noticeably. Shane has an incredibly muscular back, and to that end is probably the only one of the ten with the physique to really sell this piece.<br /><br />Nigel wonders if the absence of shirts is part of the BBC cutbacks. He thinks that the shirtlessness and tanning helped us to see the bodylines, and it's clear to see how hard it is to be a strong, masculine male dancer. Arlene calls it a "chest fest", and some were showing off their best bodies and their best tricks, while others weren't, but it was "hot". Louise thanks Sarah for making the shirtless decision, and she thinks Shane and Luke brought the masculinity and power required. Sisco fans himself, and says that he was worried about whether they could pull it off, and they did - but some of them only *just* managed it. He doesn't specify who, which isn't terribly helpful for the audience or the contestants.<br /><br />Time for the girls to see if they can better that. They've got a routine from Kevan Allen, which is about "ten birds that come to life at night and become sexy, vibrant women" - it's very lyrical and jazz-focused. Alice says that everyone's having to concentrate very hard. Kevan's impressed with how well they all gel together. Kirsty thinks that if it works it's going to be amazing, and is reminding me more and more of The Prenj with every second of screentime she gets. We see them rehearsing their apartment, and Danielle says how nice it's been getting to know everyone, with Stephanie adding that being temporarily in a position of non-competing helps. Danielle says that they're dancing to one of her favourite songs (again? Is there anything she doesn't like?) and she hopes they can outdo the boys.<br /><br />They're dancing to 'Fighter' by Christina Aguilera which is indeed an awesome song. Their challenge is different from the guys', because here it's more about whether they can capture the drama while remaining in synch with each other. For the most part, they do a fine job - Danielle, Bethany, Kirsty and Rithy are the standouts to my eyes, but Charlotte and Katie aren't far behind.<br /><br />Nigel has a feather in his hair, which he claims came from Arlene, and cracks a terrible joke about how many people will be "tweeting" about this. Oh, NIGEL. Sisco thought it was better than the guys, and that they killed it. Louise thinks the competition is on and can't wait for next week. Arlene says it's about the legs and how they use them - "girls, you used them, and next week you'll be using them to kick each other out the door!" Indeed. Rithy's all "oh, snap!"<br /><br />Cat decides to put the judges on the spot - even though no one's going this week, she wants to know who'd be in trouble if they were, and who's got off to a great start. Sisco squeals and refuses to say, but he does have one boy and one girl in mind. Cat declares him "rubbish". Word, Cat. Nigel says that he was uncomfortable with Ryan, Alice and Kirsty working together, but it's going to depend on what they pull out of the hat next week and who they're partnered with. He thinks the first contemporary routine was the best. Arlene thinks Ryan, Shane and Tom need to "get it up" *titter* and get stronger to keep up with someone like Matt (sigh), and the girls like Paige and Charlotte who lack technique but have personality (I seriously can't believe that Paige of all people is being painted as having got through on the strength of her personality) need to take some notes from Danielle, and Louise agrees that Ryan needs to try harder, and her favourite was Danielle, who makes everything look easy. Sisco adds that it's only week one, and everything could change.<br /><br />So that's it! Next week we have actual eliminations, so shit is gon' get real. We finish with the obligatory DANCE PARTY, slowly panning around the Top 20, with everyone being fairly subtle apart from Ryan, who full on leaps at the camera, presumably in direct response to Louise's request for him to own the stage from now on. Chris will be here next week with the lowdown on the first elimination show - don't miss it!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-67174078071551144682011-04-10T13:11:00.001+01:002011-06-12T17:22:18.863+01:00So You Think You Can Point At Bits Of Paper For Half An Hour?<div><b>Choreography Camp: 9th April 2011</b></div><div><br /></div>Previously : the hunt for Britain's Favourite (Not Best, Definitely Not Best, Did You Hear That Charlie Bruce?) Dancer was on! The cream of the UK's dancing talent (and some time-wasting Michael Jackson assholes) took the stage by storm! Nigel told a lot of people they were fabulous, Arlene mostly spoke from the groin region as per usual, and Sisco and Louise fought like only two people who know they're the ones under consideration for being the next ones tossed out of the balloon can. People tumbled, people jazz-handed, women were basically treated like Sisco's Dress-Up Contemporary Dance Barbies, something called Cordell hauled itself out of its pit like one of the Old Ones and terrified Britain.<div><br /></div><div>But now as Celine Dion once belted, things are getting serious (OH THIS IS SEEEEEEEERIOUS!). No more comedy auditions, no more faffing about, no more second chances, if you mess up, you are GOING HOME (unless you are Katie Love. Or Fat Deaf Old Kirsty. Or Charlotte The Hipster Barmaid. Or...well you get the idea)! IT'S CHOREOGRAPHY CAMP BITCHEZ!<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><div><br /></div><div>THIS...IS SHUMA GORATH CAN DANCE!</div></div><div><br /></div><div>We join things in medias res from last week, as Cat Deeley breathlessly informs us, like the David Attenborough of So You Think You Can Dance, that 70 dancers are currently being put through their paces and pushed to their limits in Choreography Camp. Alexandra Burke has just been, insulted their swagger, and gone, leaving only 58 still standing, to face the trials of Broadway, Group Choreography, Contemporary and Solo, until only 20 remain. Some of whom we will hopefully have seen before (and I don't mean in the brief pre-credits montage of people being put into the Top Twenty WELL DONE SHOW! I know you are constitutionally incapable of going 5 minutes without showing Matt Flint in some capacity, but you already had shots of him flying across the stage and looking anxious in there. Such overkill.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Guess who they've got to impress to get through those rounds? Yes, it's the same bunch of people it is every week - "Hollywood Impresario" Nigel Lythgoe ("Choreography Camp is just exhausting, darling! Now where's that kid with my latte?"), "Award-Winning Choreographer" Arlene Phillips ("I want the contestants to be dangerous!"), "World-Reknowned (so no awards then?) Choreographer" Sisco Gomes ("I don't wanna see no tired faces! Nothing but fire!") (I had a dream where Sisco saw nothing but fire. Felt good), and "Pop (itchy, burning) Sensation" Louise Redknapp ("Charlie Brown teacher noises"). Oh and some special guest judges as well, but trust me, we'll get to them.</div><div><br /></div><div>Day 2 now, and Ryan (Steve spent some time last week talking about his tragic family history. I'm mostly going to be focusing on his terrifying cheekbones. He looks like if H from steps realised his full potential and had major facial surgery) breezes in in seventeen layers and five scarves twinkling "here we go!". Everyone else troops in after him, and starts warming up. (Lee Crowley, 20, Cwmbran, Jamie From As If), limbers up looking slightly awkward, whilst Katie Love immediately finds the nearest semi-naked man, straddles him, and applies lotion, giggling all the while that she's going to have a regretful drunken one-night stand with him later. [<i>It's <a href="http://bitchingonice.blogspot.com/2011/01/rivas-weep-mclachlan-bye.html">Jennifer Metcalfe</a> all over again. - Steve</i>] She then starts rolling around on the floor making kitten faces to camera about how this is the life of a dancer! Day 2 and she's already knackered! Oh Katie Love. Some boys wander around semi-naked (already this is the best auditions show of the series by a mile) and some girls apply their make-up in the toilets. Ryan lies there fully-dressed verbally begging someone to give him a morning stretch and a massage. Nobody complies. JJ & James tool around some more. Mercifully JJ will be disappearing soon, never to be mentioned again. [<i>THERE IS A GOD. - Steve</i>]</div><div><br /></div><div>Once everyone's milling around in the studio, Bethany-Rose Lee tells us that the dancers have no idea what's coming next! The guys have been told to look really cool, while the girls have been told to look really sexy, but apart from that...nothing. Surprise Bethany-Rose Lee! It's an impromptu audition to be the new Countryfile presenter. Personally I'm hoping for Rithy. </div><div><br /></div><div>NOT REALLY! As Cat told us in the opening, it's Broadway Round, with Special Guest Chroeographer, Giant Lady(/Karen Bruce)! Hooray! Not that her choreography was always great last year, but she both told Lizzie to get over herself (as therapy, natch) and also she is not Tyce Diorio. Which will do for me in a pinch. Giant Lady tells us all that Broadway is about taking on a character and telling a story (/mugging your face off), even if the routine is very simple. Behind her, the boys fly around like West Side Story whilst the girls are stuck being sexual with a hat, which as Dancing On Ice has taught us, is the HARDEST PROP OF THEM ALL. She briefly stops them all to tell them that they're all being a bit "MER!" where "MER!" looks a bit like Lionel Blair playing Catweasel when he should be playing Rum-Tum-Tugger. Bethany-Rose Lee says that she's just barely holding on for dear life (to her hat no doubt. Here's someone who has learnt from the mistakes of Jeff Brazier. Now if only Jeff Brazier would), some other girl says she hates Broadyway, Generic Paige says that it's really tough to do this in heels. GENERIC.</div><div><br /></div><div>Meanwhile, the boys are having a whale of a time. Matt Flint says this is his FAVOURITE style, Australian Shane says that this is a really great routine for a guy to do, because it is fast and aggressive, and the suddenly appearing (Lee Bridgman, 21, Plymouth, Most Androgynous Human Being In The History Of The World) says that it's an opportunity to act really BUTCH, which he just LOVES. I have no idea if he's being sarcastic or straight-up with that, and I am intrigued either way. What these boys don't know is that they're going to be auditioning (possibly in more ways than one) in front of special Broadway Guest Judge (John Barrowman, 44, Glasgow, lesbianswholookliketomcruise.tumblr.com). Oh good.</div><div><br /></div><div>BARROWMAN struts into an empty aircraft hanger to the sounds of Ini Kamoze, saying that he wants to see the guys' personality (and the rest) and to be entertained, because this is showbiz and showbiz is ALL about entertainment. Anyone who saw more than 5 seconds of "Tonight's The Night" might take issue with you there BARROWMAN. Anywho, he takes up his seat between Arlene & Nigel, leaving Arlene with even more of no-one to talk to. </div><div><br /></div><div>First up to perform are Ryan (jokily/not jokily asking the cameraman if he looks good, cheekbones fully turned up to Sycorax levels), (Luke Jackson, 30, Leicester, Simon Farnaby off the Horrible Histories programme) and (Tom Shilcock, 23, Also Leicester, Really Pissy That Matt Flint Is The Designated Tapper Boy This Year). Cat tells us via voiceover that both Luke and Tom are kind of boring and shit, but have somehow got this far anyway. Good for them. Ryan gushingly gushes to camera about how they're a really tight unit who've really worked hard to bring out the best in one another, and Luke mumbles something assenting that may or may not end in "i hate you so much i can barely breathe". [<i>Luke <3 - Steve</i>]</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage they go, dancing to "Luck Be A Lady", and they pretty much nail it. If I'm going in order of personal routine preference it'd be Luke > Ryan > Tom but they're all obviously made for this stuff, and Nigel and BARROWMAN mutter conspiratorially about how it's like watching the Jets from West Side Story (/the Jet from Gladiators). They close with Ryan looking frankly terrifyingly sexual, and BARROWMAN giving them all a Standing O. Everyone else follows, with Sisco last to stand up, which obviously officially means that Sisco is a rotten egg/smelly sally. The guys on stage all hug, and Luke still looks like he hates them both. But particularly Ryan. BARROWMAN enthuses about how they all worked as a team and kept an eye on one-another throughout (which other less trained people might not have spotted, but he is BARROWMAN AND HE SEES ALL!). It's three yeses from him, and Ryan's face reads "5 year old about to get a shiny red fire engine". [<i>Insert joke about BARROWMAN's shiny red fire engine here. - Steve</i>] Louise says that it made her feel like she was in the West End, Sisco says "LIVING!" about fifteen times (is this pre-publicity for where Series 3 is going to air? Because he needs to add a "Loves" at the end if it is), Nigel proclaims it to be veritably West Side Story, and all three are (duh) through to the next round.</div><div><br /></div><div>Backstage, the show suddenly realises it might be an idea to get some footage of Tom down, so he sits and chats gamely with Cat about how very wow it was to get a Standing Ovation from the judges, and how great it was working with Luke and Ryan. Poor Tom. He's like the one guy who feels obliged to stay besties with both parties in a divorce.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also quite good at the Broadway round are (because apparently we can only see two full routines per discipline MAX) are James of JJ & James, Welsh B-Boy Lee, Matt Flint (again), AndrogyLee, and Charlie Wheeller, with a little chyron confirming that no, really, it is spelled like that. For the girls we have Cat's Hip-Hop Girlfriend Rithy, Bethany-Rose Lee, Tiny-Faced Megan, (Katrina Lyndon, 20, Plymouth, Katerina Ballerina), and Katie Love (again). We also see Charlotte The Barmaid and Fat Deaf Old Kirsty put through, but obviously they weren't quite as transcendent. Also we see Katie Love blow some more kisses at Arlene, but I already can't deal with that, so we'll move on.</div><div><br /></div><div>To the next group, featuring Horse-Mane Bruce from Week One, some guy who isn't important right now and never will be, and (Israel Donowa, 18, Hackney, E:20). Who very definitely is important right now and will continue to be. We visit with Israel at home in Hackney, where he pumps weights, is good to his mother, and tells us all that he's a hip-hopper and always will be. He trains really hard to be the best he can be. He very earnestly tells us that he was always a shy kid, and his parents weren't too sure about him taking up dancing. Before we can assume any "because it's not a solid profession/is a bit gay" stuff, like we normally would with this show, Israel's dad comes bounding in beaming to say that the reason he wasn't sure about Israel taking up dancing is that Israel used to dance like a jacked-up porpoise on water-skis. Or indeed "a twonk". But Israel tried hard, and proved his dad WRONG. Yeah! </div><div><br /></div><div>We flash back to Israel's audition, where Louise and Arlene tag-teamed him and told him he was static and boring. But then Nigel and Sisco stuck up for him, and Louise and Sisco got into another tedious fight about it. Yay. Rest assured, they both still have opinions, and those opinions are not necessarily the same opinions.</div><div><br /></div><div>Bruce gets a little promo package too, where he is set up as "born to perform". He jump-splits all over the place and demi-brags about how his mother is a dancer, and his father owns a circus in Mexico. Where he is a lion-tamer. Best backstory ever. Because either that's true, or Bruce Aguilar-Rohan is going to start claiming he's descended from Spanish royalty and once had sex in a cupboard with tv historian Dan Snow and it's all going to unravel and be amazing. We flash back to HIS audition, where Nigel smiles benignly, but Sisco tells him he dances like a girl and needs to "give it more RARGH!". Where "RARGH!" is basically "Cowardly Lion". Anyway, back in the now, Bruce gives Fate a filthy come-hither look by grinning that he's a "musical theatre student" so he's probably about to get his first good comments from Choreography Camp. Oops.</div><div><br /></div><div>This Titanic struggle between bashful masculine hip-hopper and self-confident effeminate Broadway Child Of Privilege so established, they both go out to dance and do a passable, if slightly sloppy job. Louise mumbles to Arlene about how Israel is the only one who really gets the routine, but Nigel and BARROWMAN fight Bruce's corner, although BARROWMAN thinks Bruce needs to butch up.</div><div><br /></div><div>They go to the judges, where Sisco calls out Israel first and tells him that he's a "Beautiful Disaster". Israel pulls epic Woobie Face, so Sisco points out to him that this is a good thing. His technique was a mess, but he had GREAT personality, and that's all that matters on this show. He's safe. BARROWMAN calls Bruce up next, and asks him what his frame of mind was in that performance. Bruce pants out "dealer, I was being a dealer" and BARROWMAN responds all "DEALER? MORE LIKE DIVA! LOLGAY!" and tells him to butch it up a little. He back-pedals a little, saying this isn't derogatory, because people have said it to him.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Note : It is impossible to be derogatory to BARROWMAN.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Note 2 : I wonder if he'd let me test that theory.</div><div><br /></div><div>[<i>Mental Note 3: I wonder precisely where this fits in with his infamous "not gay enough to play Will in Will And Grace" story. - Steve</i>]</div><div><br /></div><div>Arlene follows this up by telling Bruce that he is weak, soft, and inorganic, and this is the straw that breaks Bruce Aguilar-Rohan, and he bursts into super-butch tears. BARROWMAN repeats that he didn't mean to upset Bruce, and Bruce chokes out that it's not THEM that's upset him. Arlene at this point leaps to her feet, and mother hens her way out onto the stage, whispering to Bruce that he's such a talent, as Bruce weeps on about how he's been told this "be less gay" stuff before (occasionally face down in the boys toilets/with a steel dustbin over his head/in bed) and it's a real issue for him. Arlene starts yelling about how Bruce HAS THE POWER INSIDE HIM, whilst The Irrelevant One stares at the floor looking more awkward than Arlene as a judge during a hip-hop round. I think I feel for him most of all. Anyway, Bruce and Israel at the very least are both through.</div><div><br /></div><div>Montage Of Suck now : Lauren Head-Trauma is called out on her stupid faces, some girl is told she barely made it out of that routine alive, some other girls being told that BARROWMAN could dance in heels better than they could, Sisco calls some other girl a "Dancing Apocalypse" (but...not in a good way?), Nigel tries to claw his own face off and chews some girls out for not knowing the routine, Sisco yells at someone called Andrew with amazing hair, BARROWMAN tells some girls they aren't being tits and teeth enough, Edgar Tummy-Ache screws up rotten and Arlene groans that she never wants to see him ever again. Woo!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up : BARROWMAN and Sisco throw gang signs at Bruce whilst Jessie J brays that she can DO IT LIKE A BRUDAH DEM MAN DEM SUGAR SUGAR on the soundtrack. This apparently is a "Man Up Workshop". Because if you ever wanted to learn how to get a man up, you'd ask BARROWMAN. To be fair, BARROWMAN's role mostly seems to be leaning lasciviously against a mirror and making sex-eyes at Bruce, so basically he's acting as some sort of bizarre "act like a MAN DEM MAN DEM SUGAR and you'll get lots of cock" carrot to Sisco's pushy Little Lord Fauntleroy FROM THE WEST SIDE stick. This is just poor isn't it? Bruce acts grateful for this nonsense, well aware that at least in this room he's not the punchline any more.</div><div><br /></div><div>Whilst this was happening, 18 dancers have apparently been cut, as only 40 remain. Including Hip Hop Rithy, AndrogyLee, Generic Paige and Matt Flint. What a shock in all cases. Some baby-faced blonde piece who we will never see again says that today has been a good day. Another newbie - (Gian Luca Loddo, 32, The Town Of Italy, Aaron Johnson & Sylvester Stallone's love child) - says that all this is very new to him, so every time he gets through, it's something beautiful. In terms of overly enthusiastic Euros go, he is better looking than Smiley Fernando, which I guess is why Smiley Fernando has mysteriously disappeared into the same hole that Mullet Girl and JJ have. Everyone's packing up to go back to the hotel for the night when...</div><div><br /></div><div>A WILD POKEMON APPEARS! And by "Pokemon" I mean, new round to be judged upon. Nigel calls everyone back on stage, tells them all to get into group, pick out a cd from Cat's Magic Bag, and then go and choreograph a routine to it in their groups, which will be performed tomorrow. Gian Luca looks baffled, James (of JJ & James) looks despondent, Katie Love looks pissed off, Angry Luke looks FURIOUS, Bruce looks sarcy, somewhere in the crowd Fat Deaf Old Kirsty looks PUMPED.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, everyone does as Nigel bids, and you'd think this would make for some fantastic American Idol Groups Round style carnage and autistic drama but...you'd be wrong. We just get lots of shots of people looking tired and some random girl and (Not JJ but) James whining about how tired they are. What a bust. BE LESS PROFESSIONAL, PEOPLE!</div><div><br /></div><div>Day Three now, and AndrogyLee cuts himself a nice thick slice of bread, as Generic Paige and some other girl bond over tea. James manges his way through a full English, as Bethany-Rose Lee bleary-eyes that she didn't get to bed until 3am. Whatever Bethany-Rose, Katie Love had to abandon that hot massage hook-up she set up earlier for this, you don't know how good you got it. That slow-release Poison Ivy she put in the lotion is going to kick in any second now, and that guy will NEVER sleep with her after that. Matt Flint says that he's shattered, because he's not been on camera in the last 2 minutes, and some other girl says that this is the HARDEST THING SHE'S EVER HAD TO DO AS A DANCER. </div><div><br /></div><div>Eating over, everyone returns to the studios to perform their masterworks. As Australian Shane dreamily gets another semi-naked massage, looking like the cover of a Bel Ami DVD (definitely the best auditions episode yet) and we see Matt Flint yet again, Nigel and Arlene basically cop to the fact that this is more a psychological test to see who's going to crack like Louise's foundation, rather than anything to do with dancing. Good job really.</div><div><br /></div><div><a name="walkofshame"></a>First (/only, because we're still zipping through these rounds to accrue valuable "pointing at bits of paper" time for later) group consists of Angry Luke, Katie Love, Bethany-Rose Lee, and Daniel Oval the Contemporary Skinhead. We're told that these are some of the judges favourites from earlier rounds, despite the fact that all we've seen of Daniel is two tumbles and a pirouette. They're dancing to "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" from Sweet Charity. And by "dancing" I mean "not really dancing, just walking around a bit, and occasionally sitting down". Oh yes, they've brought chairs. Possibly as training for the Kate Prince Adventure Playground Hip-Hop routine that one of them will end up doing in the finals. Oh and Bethany-Rose has a really distracting beauty spot attached. The girls seem to be trying harder than the boys, although I think Daniel Oval is probably definitively the actual worst.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh and Nigel brays really loudly throughout about how bad it is, which can't be helping anybody. Indeed, when they've finished he tells them that was the worst choreographed routine he's ever seen in the years he's done this show. And he's sat through...well, Kate Prince. And it wasn't even danced well. This develops into a supreme hissy about how they were supposed to be DANCING for their place in the competition, and that was just WALKING. Angry Luke hilariously takes the bait and actually says "there's something to be said about walking in a piece that means so much mo..." before Nigel hops in to scream "THIS IS NOT SO YOU THINK YOU CAN WALK!". [<i>Coming to Channel 5 this summer! - Steve</i>] Angry Luke decides to keep on sticking his hand in the boiling water by snotting that this was a choreographical project, not necessarily a DANCE. Dancing would have been predictable. They wanted to do something DIFFERENT.</div><div><br /></div><div>Status update : Daniel Oval - looking at Angry Luke with hands on hips, 50% admiration, 50% horror ; Bethany-Rose Lee - looking shame faced at the floor, hands clenched in the manner of a very solemn nun; Katie Love - adjusting her tits.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh Katie Love.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise says that she's very disappointed, because she knows they can all dance, and Arlene very accurately says that it just looked like they'd cobbled together some moves with the music as an afterthought. This causes Katie Love to cry real tears, possibly because she thought all that hoovering up to Arlene she did would pay off better than this. Then Nigel starts yelling at them all to tell him what the BIGGEST WORD IN SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE CHOREOGRAPHY CAMP IS, reading from the screen behind them. Brilliantly, Daniel Oval actually turns round to check, like it's going to be "camp" or something. (Not now that BARROWMAN is gone it's not...). Angry Luke actually can't help himself and replies "yeah, but..." and Nigel full on flips his Rock-A-Doodle wig at Angry Luke until he finally breaks down and says "Dance". Nigel huffs that this is even worse because these four are amongst his favourites...or at least... THEY WERE!</div><div><br /></div><div>DUN DUN DURRRRRRRN!</div><div><br /></div><div>I think this is my favourite auditions segment so far. Well that didn't involve male nudity. Nigel snots "LEAVE THE STAGE!", going full on West End Wendy.</div><div><br /></div><div>This team of losers stomp outside, and Katie Love whisper-screams "I CAN'T TALK!" down the camera. It's left to Bethany-Rose to try to pull things together and talk about moving forwards, as Katie dramas, Angry Luke seethes, and Daniel wonders if maybe the biggest word wasn't "think". He's just going to go and check.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now a Montage of Not Sucking, starring the following : Israel Donowa and his amazing contemporary choreography skillz ; Bruce Aguilar-Rohan, no longer too gay to function ; Tiny-Faced Megan ; Cat's Girlfriend Rithy ; Cheekbones Ryan ; Welsh B-Boy Lee ; Fat Deaf Old Kirsty ; Australian Shane ; New European Gian Luca ; (Danielle Cato, 24, Hampshire, giving it ears) ; Generic Paige.</div><div><br /></div><div>Imagine them all waving cheerily at you, like the end-credits of Miranda/Hi-De-Hi. Fat Deaf Old Kirsty was BORN TO BE A YELLOWCOAT. This over, the WORST CHOREOGRAPHERS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW are called back to the stage, Katie Love blowing snot and tears the whole way, because Nigel forgot to tell them that they're through. Because they are. But, you know, *shakes fist*.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh good another montage. This time of Arlene being a bitch. Well at least it's on a topic I can get interested in. She tells a group including Charlie Wheelllllllllller that their routine was about as interesting as pushing a trolley around the supermarket at 6am when you don't want to be there. Concise as ever Arlene. Some other people are told they looked like they were being wheeled into a mortuary, and a group including AndrogyLee and eventual but hitherto invisible Finallist (Alice Woodhouse, 23, Lancaster, Boots Advert for Jessica Robinson) that their routine was a monster sized mess. She calls Alice a potato and a cabbage. *shrug* Not JJ But James is told that his routine was like Baby's First Hip-Hop, and then Arlene bugs her eyes out to Jesus and starts snapping at everyone to USE THEIR PEE.</div><div><br /></div><div>Golden Showers Week on So You Think You Can Dance? I'm looking forward to it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anywho, Group Choreography Round is now so over, although Katie Love is still looking emotionally traumatised, sat on some packing crates backstage rubbing her forehead talking about what a strange day it's been. Gian Luca randomly wanders about crying and smiling and being European, as (Kristin Kelly Abbott, 29, Newcastle, Too irrelevant at this point for me to drum up a lookalike) vaguely disinterestedly talks about all the tension and "vibes" going on. Katrina Ballerina says that she's really going to have to fight for it now, and mild hottie (Ashley Lloyd, 19, Blackpool, Him from One Direction. No HIM. That one) says that it's so close now and there's only one day left until the big decision. Don't get your hopes up Ashley Lloyd.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up Day 3? It's Contemporary! As taught by (*be still my aching heart*) US Series 1 Winner Nick Lazzarini, and US Series 2 Runner-Up Travis Wall. Both of whom are amazing by the way. Particularly Travis. Particularly for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaypz2WtxuU">this.</a> Man THAT up, BARROWMAN. (Also, he choreographed <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KadaTH0uvQ">this</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkVnoOYUA-I">this</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gzAbCn6-rk">this</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxSuWjkdrE0">this</a> and MY GOD <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YbEtfJryXA">THIS</a> AND *FANGIRL FLAP*). Cat totally bitch-slaps Nick by calling him a "finalist" in his series by the way. Oh Cat. (Travis is better though). Travis adorable gay-hobbits about how the dancers have to connect with themselves and with the audience and *doodles hearts on his notebook frantically*. That Travis never got to choreograph Drew is I think the biggest sin of all.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise mumbles something about Contemporary being the perfect vehicle for getting "you" over. Whatever Louise.</div><div><br /></div><div><a name="kirsty"></a>First group up is Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and Others (Tapper Tom, Edgar Stomach-Ache and Some Girl), and we're reminded that Arlene hated Fat Deaf Old Kirsty at first for being both fat and old (but not deaf, obviously), but since then Kirsty has won her over, and been amazing, presumably somewhere off-camera for most of it. Which she'll have to lean back on some more, as she messes up Travis' choreography horribly, just standing there for most of it, leaving Tapper Tom to just stand there waving his arms about where she presumably should be. To be fair to her, Edgar and Other Girl are messing up horribly as well. OBVIOUSLY not everyone can handle Travis' amazingness.</div><div><br /></div><div>And Nick's. A bit.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel snots "LEAVE THE STAGE" at everyone, as Cat informs us that Nigel's only going to make a decision as to who to cut from this round after everyone has danced. This sadly means no talking for this whole bit, except obviously for Nigel to pimp Israel some more, because that, generally, is the theme of this episode. Israel's great, kids! Oh and Alice is as well. You know? She was in that rubbish group with AndrogyLee? Arlene called her a cabbage? That's the one. Lee The Welsh B Boy is also proficient and Katie Love. Which, as it's her style, you'd hope. Head-Wound Lauren messes up a bit, and Arlene pulls a face. Poor Head-Wound Lauren.</div><div><br /></div><div>Contemporary Round is now over, as watch a brief montage of Generic Paige, Matt Flint, Gian Luca, Angry Luke, Israel, and Big Ol Nelly Bruce looking tired and nervous backstage. They needn't worry, as they're all through. In fact all the boys are through, and the only girls who are cut look to be ones we've never seen, and Head-Wound Lauren who, let's face it, was never a major player. I am incredulous that this show has conspired to make the segment involving my BB Travis as irrelevant as possible. *TURBO POUT*</div><div><br /></div><div>Day Four : Solos! And more male nudity, as a bunch of men limber up with their shirts off and their bums in the air. This isn't (just) me being a perve, that's pretty much all that happens. Cat goes David Attenborough again telling us that this is the last chance these fascinating creatures will have to show off their talents before the judges make the final decision. We then see tiny snippets of the solos, overlaid with music that...isn't the music that's being used. I appreciate this is a BBC show, and getting clearance rights is expensive, but still.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, to make this segment even more tragic and pointless, begging is to be incorporated after each routine. Danielle says that if she gets through to the live-shows it'd be a challenge, and she LOVES Challenge. Hey, maybe THAT'S where Series 3 is going to air. Israel says he can deliver so much more (Dominos, your local Chinese, the weather on GMTV). Some girl says something generic. Charlie Wheeeeeeeeller says that he wants the opportunity to get more dance into his stuff. Fat Deaf Old Kirsty says that dance is the only thing she's ever been able to do, and she really wants to achieve something amazing. Like win this show. Apparently. Ryan mumbles and cries about never feeling free anywhere other than on stage, as Angry Luke pokes pins in a doll somewhere off-camera. Rithy cries about how she wishes her mum could see her and how hard she's pushing to succeed. Lee-Boy says that he wants to prove that breakers can diversify. Stephanie Powell the Evil Professional decides to aid Sisco in his quest to make "LIVING!" happen and therefore is lucky that we're not voting to eliminate. Matt Flint Darren Gough's on about how he wants to show that dancing isn't just for girls, it's for MEN like what he is. Generic Paige is Generic.</div><div><br /></div><div>After that? We're not cutting anybody. Of course. The dancers are sent home, all begged out, so the judges can push around bits of paper for hours, then be filmed doing it, then have people act like this is in any way good television. Australian Shane, Charlotte The Barmaid, Israel, Matt Flint, Pointless Kristin, Danielle, and Not JJ But James obligingly give quotes as they leave about how hard it's all been these last four days. So hard. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, so yes, the judges push around bits of paper (actually it sounds like sort of velcro padding which...nice use of the budget there) with the boys and girls names on, without us being able to see who they're talking about, forever, "picking their top twenty". This bit always sucks. I'd say I'm not recapping it, but...I kind of just did. This done, the judges set out off after the contestants to their home towns, in order to deliver the news to them, where they're most vulnerable, afraid and ashamed. That's right, it's with their family. Or friends and well-wishers. Or cafeteria workers. These people have busy lives. Those Clarks shoes won't shift themselves.</div><div><br /></div><div>After we watch Sisco, Louise, and Arlene stomp around provincial towns trying to look fierce in order to fill time we're informed that Nigel, on the other hand, is in his LA mansion, literally phoning this segment in. Hooray Nigel! Charlotte The Barmaid is first up, and she says that she learnt so much at Chroegraphy Camp and had so much fun, that she'll be happy regardless of whether she moves forward or not. As she sits and vibrates on the floor of her parents house, in a corner, her skirt halfway up her thighs like a 7 year old at a wedding reception, her mum valiantly Disney good-cheers "whatever 'appens, we'll always be prahd of yah and I just want you to follah your dream". Charlotte The Hipster Barmaid wipes away a possibly imaginary tear. Her dad meanwhile grumps about having to wait for Nigel to get off her arse and ring. Match Of The Day 2 is on in a minute.</div><div><br /></div><div>Fortunately for Charlotte's dad, Nigel rings that very minute. He tells Charlotte that he's not going to mess her about...and then messes her about, telling her that her hip-hop and classical sucked but...she's a nice girl, and this is "So You Think You Can Get People To Like You?" so SHE'S THROUGH. Charlotte The Barmaid's entire family bounce up and down screaming and Nigel makes comedy with his phone. I love that she's so happy she got through basically with a huge red rubber stamp saying "DEFECTIVE GOODS!" on her face.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco is bothering Matt Flint next, as he teaches tap to a veritable army of attractive adoring females (and two guys, pushed right to the edge and back out of shot). Cat tells us via voice-over that Matt has been consistently amazing, and indeed, he is through. OH MY GOD, BIGGEST SHOCK EVER. All the girls in the room scream and gush and break down and rush his stands like screaming Usher fans. MATTFLINTMANIA! Even Sisco bothers to look vaguely excited, as Matt celebrates down the camera and talks about how overwhelmed he is. I guess it's more of a surprise when you don't know just how much screen-time you're getting.</div><div><br /></div><div>Less important people now : Evil Professional Stephanie Powell is through! Tapper Tom is through! Generic Paige (now apparently a "Disco Freestyler" which...ok) is through! Alice The Cabbage is through! Australian Shane is through (and lives in a very nice flat by the looks of it)! AndrogyLee is through!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next to find out their fates are Katie Love (basic sort of flat, sat with her very attractive male flatmate/boyfriend and her female friend, who either is Single White Female'ing Katie Love, or whom Katie Love is Single White Female'ing. You make up your own mind) and Angry Luke (backstage, in a dressing room, alone, possibly drunk). Cat reminds us that both these suckers screwed up the Choreography Round, but advanced anyway. Arlene arrives to see Angry Luke, and suddenly there are a whole bunch of people in the room with him. I bet Arlene brought them. Meanwhile, Louise rings Katie Love, her SWF friend goes bonkers and starts pulling faces, and Katie Love gives her the death-stare for pulling her focus. Amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, they're both through by the way. Poor Daniel Oval. I guess for some people it really DID matter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, the most heart-breaking segment of the whole show. Firstly, it's the decision being made about "Contemporary Dancer Chris". Who we have not seen or heard of before now. Hilariously and ironically Cat voice-overs that Chris "stood out" in his audition and in Choreography Camp. I mean...obviously he didn't. Secondly, "With Or Without You" is playing on the backing track, so you KNOW how this is ending before it even starts. Thirdly, he has clearly done his lighting in his living room specially to make this moment as special and memorable as possible. Fourthly, when the phone rings, he spazzes out all adorable. Fifthly, his friends and family also seem SUPER into this. Sixthly, he's not through. Seventhly, he auditioned last year and didn't make it. Eightly, he says that he'll just try out for next series. Ninethly, yeah, there's DEFINITELY going to be another series. Tenthly, he's being told he's eliminated by SISCO. Eleventhly, Sisco doesn't give less than one shit about this. Twelfthly , "it'll be good next year. Next time's my year" (*sniff*). Thirteenthly, he breaks down so hard they have to stop filming. Fourteenthly, a small dog licks his tears off his face as he cries.</div><div><br /></div><div>Fifteenthly, he looked really good with his top off.</div><div><br /></div><div>WHAT?</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up getting rejected is James (not JJ) who is at work when Sisco drops by to drop the bomb on him. Clearly he is not expecting it, as he is barely holding his rage issues in. To be fair, this is the only person I'm surprised didn't make it, but hey ho. [<i>As an aside, I love that this show sends the judges out to people to eliminate them in person. So deliciously cruel. - Steve</i>] Sisco tells him to get more training and maybe try out for the show again next year, if his tv remote carries numbers high enough to find out where it's airing. James, clearly gutted, interviews that he'll just have to pick himself up and try again next year. As Sisco hugs him before he leaves, it kind of looks like he takes a big old sniff. Oh Sisco.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up Big Fat Deaf Old Kirsty, who is being visited by Louise. Cat reminds us in voiceover that Kirsty is deaf. Well, partially deaf. But that nickname is long and kind of ugly enough as it is. (I'M CALLING HER FAT AND OLD BECAUSE ARLENE SAID IT. WELL, ARLENE PARAPHRASED IT. ANYWAY, BLAME HER, NOT ME). As she welcomes Louise into her lovely provincial semi in the snow, Kirsty says that So You Think You Can Dance? has already changed her life. And she hasn't even started getting the death-threats yet! If you don't count Katie Love's.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, Louise messes with her by saying how tough it's been to create a Top Twenty, and how high the standard's been. But they needed a good all-rounder, so Kirsty's in! If the "roundness" has a chunk taken out of the side where the Contemporary (aka, the only really important genre on this show) should be. Everyone hugs Kirsty as she says this is a dream come true and beams like a pageant girl.</div><div><br /></div><div>Time for some more unimportant people now. B-Boy Lee-Boy gets a call from Sisco, lurking in his garden, telling him that Sisco is RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS FRONT DOOR RIGHT NOW to give him the news. I'm kind of hoping that the next reveal is Arlene sat in Bethany-Rose's attic heavy breathing "the call is coming from inside the house!" at her. Anyway, B-Boy Lee is through, and all his family are really excited that Sisco has deigned to come to Wales. AN OUTSIDER! Maybe he has brought useful goods, such as spices and silks from the Orient!</div><div><br /></div><div> Next, Louise tells Danielle Cato she is through, and it kind of looks like she's doing it in my grandma's living room. Nigel phones Gian Luca WHILST DRIVING to tell him that he's in the Top Twenty to be all charming and European, and Arlene pops around to a cafe to tell Charllllie Wheeeeller the good news. He too, is in the Live Finals. Sisco rings up Rithy to tell her she's in, and her best friend Gay Gasps appreciably. Katrina Ballerina is also rung by Sisco, is also through, and also has an adorably gay gaspy friend! Who would have thought women working in the performing arts knew so many homos/straight men who are unafraid to embrace their femininity whilst gasping?</div><div><br /></div><div>The bandwagon rolls on with Cheekbones Ryan, giving some sort of Nativity themed theatre workship, being told by Louise that he is worthy. The Virgin Mary looks non-plussed. Bethany-Rose Lee is rung up in some sort of pub by the looks of it, is through, and is so excited she cuts Nigel off. Mercifully this is not an eliminating offence, although I wouldn't have been surprised if it had been.</div><div><br /></div><div>This, my friends, leaves us with the final conflict that's been hinted at throughout. Israel vs Bruce. Israel has poor technique, but a big heart, and whilst he didn't impress the ladies of the panel with his audition, the avalanche of praise he's been buried under in this episode would have killed Tenzing Norgay. Bruce on the other hand has a pretend dad who owns the Bangkok Hilton, and generally comes from a life of privilege, but has great technique and auditioned superbly, and after his breakdown now dances LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM MAN DEM SUGAR SUGAR MAN DEM BRUDDA LIKE A DUDE. Who will make it through?</div><div><br /></div><div>Bruce is waiting with his friends at dance college. Israel is at home with his family. Bruce is excited. Israel is nervous. Arlene arrives at the college. Sisco arrives at Israel's house. THE TENSION! *cough*. Israel is through, and excited, and his dad hugs him and sweetly and proudly proclaims "my boy! my boy!". Bruce is not, and left hanging on the dream of there being a next series, where he can audition dressed as a leather DADDY MAN DEM BRUDDA BARROWMAN DEM SUGAR.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Let's be honest, Bruce was probably rejected directly in favour of AndrogyLee rather than Israel, but both Bruce and AndrogyLee are kind of femmey, so it makes less good copy.)</div><div><br /></div><div>So...your top 20 then? Are as follows :</div><div><br /></div><div>Cabbage Alice Woodhouse, who just appeared this second</div><div>Bethany-Rose Lee(/Harrison), who was a swing last year and who auditioned like a stripper</div><div>Generic Paige Smith, who apparently is a disco diva now?</div><div>Cat's Girlfriend Rithy Perreria, who is my favourite girl yes she is</div><div>Contemporary Danielle Cato, who also just appeared right this second</div><div>Katrina Ballerina (/Lyndon), who also just appeared right this second</div><div>Charlotte Scally The Barmaid, who was going to be a Comedy Audition BUT THEN WASN'T, but is still kind of crap apparently</div><div>Stephanie Powell, the EVIL PROFESSIONAL who auditioned with a Zombie Slave Boy</div><div>Katie Love, who has decided to make things even EASIER on herself by dying her hair candy-floss pink</div><div>Fat Old Deaf Kirsty Swain, who is not fat, or old, but is kind of deaf.</div><div><br /></div><div>AndrogyLee Bridgman, who also just appeared this episode, but did so looking a bit like pre-facewreck Pete Burns, so is inherently more memorable than all these Fodder Girls<br /></div><div>Israel Donnowa , who beat out poor Bruce Aguilar-Rohan personally</div><div>Tapper Tom Shilcock - like Matt Flint, but less so</div><div>Charlie Whee, who saw a guy on the Internet put his legs behind his head and thought "why not me?"</div><div>Matt Flint, the Woobie/Winner</div><div>Angry Luke Jackson, who has REAL FEELINGS which you know NOTHING ABOUT</div><div>Excitable Italian, Gian Luca Loddo, who is both excitable and Italian</div><div>Ryan Cheekbones(/Jenkins), whose brother died ON HIS BIRTHDAY</div><div>Lee-Boy Crowley, who is the only Welshman in the competition (HINT HINT WELSH VOTE. THAT'S RIGHT, BOTH OF YOU)</div><div>Australian Shane Collard, who will hopefully be removing some items of clothing again at some point</div><div><br /></div><div>They all dance around, having had the worst make-over EVER (I bet Sisco did it), apart from Rithy, for whom Playbus Neons oddly work. Cat tells us all twenty of them will be dancing next week, and we'll actually get to see more than 5 seconds of it, and see them all dance to the music the choreography was devised for as well. Steve will be dealing with all that for you (*jealous*).</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-66940146941017017892011-04-03T15:37:00.000+01:002011-04-04T14:34:58.209+01:00Saturday night's all right for sniping<span style="font-weight: bold;">Auditions 2: 2nd April 2011</span><br /><br /><a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/03/so-you-think-you-can-audition.htmlhttp://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2011/03/so-you-think-you-can-audition.html">Previously</a>: callbacks, golden tickets, people who are mostly deaf, mother-daughter teams of your nightmares, people who love Arlene, and competitive salsa couples getting split up for about thirty seconds' worth of drama.<br /><br />Tonight: Cat informs us that this series is reaching the last two days of auditions. Possibly ever, judging by the ratings for last week's show. The pressure is starting to show, which means that we will have a Nigel/Sisco showdown later on (<span style="font-style: italic;">*rubs hands together in glee*</span>), a Louise/Sisco showdown later on (<span style="font-style: italic;">*rubs hands together a little less gleefully*</span>) and we'll see about five minutes' worth of choroegraphy camp in a manner that suggests they still haven't quite worked out the best way to televise the audition process. Oh, and someone's going to headbutt the floor quite viciously. [<span style="font-style: italic;">What? Sisco's annoying. Better that than the actual screen... - Chris</span>]<br /><br />SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!<br /><br />For those who weren't watching last week, Cat introduces the judges (Nigel is in LA, Arlene is in the West End, Louise is in the 1990s, and Sisco is intolerable) runs through the rules of the auditions again. My personal favourite part of this is the bit where the show clarifies us that if the judges say "no" (and a huge "NO" is displayed on the screen at this point, just so we're all clear), then the contestant will not proceed further in the competition. It's a shame that a series that doesn't feel the need to patronise its audience by overindulging in comedy bad auditions like <span style="font-style: italic;">The X Factor</span> does instead feel the need to infantilise us by explaining what "no" means. (Perhaps that lesson would've been better spent on the people serving as jurors in last week's <i>Hollyoaks</i> Choose Your Own Rape Adventure.)<br /><br />Our first dancer to audition tonight is Cat's "flexible friend" (that's quite enough of that, thank you Cat), Charlie Wheeller. The on-screen caption spells his surname with two ls - I have no idea if that's correct or if there was a typo in post-production, but since that's all I have to go on, that's how I'm going to spell it. Charlie tells us that he is 18 years old and from Southampton. Already I quite want him to win, since in the seemingly likely event that this show will not be back for a third series, at least it'd be nice and neat if both winners had the same name. Charlie is a contortion breakdancer. He tells us that he saw this guy on the internet putting his legs behind his head (haven't we all?) and decided that he wanted to do that. He has an awkward exchange with Cat before doing a handstand where he tucks his legs into each other and walks around, almost kicking Cat in the head as he dismounts. Cat tells him she's quite tempted to tickle him. I know what she means; I'm tempted to tickle everyone most of the time. It's because I've got long arms. Cat asks him how he'd fare if he had to do some salsa dancing, and Charlie tells her that he's "contemporary and ballet trained", so he could probably wing it. That's Cat told.<br /><br />In the studio, Charlie dances for the judges, and displays some frankly astonishing contortion that makes me wonder if he actually has any bones at all. Midway through the routine, there's a shot of the judges as Nigel, Louise and Arlene all look enthralled, while Sisco's looking bored and flicking through the papers in front of him. You might wish to remember this a bit later when Sisco becomes Captain Polite Audition Etiquette out of nowhere. On the stage, Charlie continues to be ridiculously flexible and the crowd go nuts. Louise looks like she's about to throw up with excitement. Nigel tells him that he's "so unique" and "exciting to watch". Arlene thinks that what he does is special, "and seeing somebody that just looks like the little bouncing bright bubbly kid do it, it adds the cherry and the cream on the top of the cake." That's how Arlene would talk if she were Bill Cosby. Louise says that there were times when she couldn't watch, and other times when she couldn't tear herself away. Sisco thinks Charlie needs to go back to classes because his forte is the contortion and the tricks, but he thinks that's why Charlie's here, and he could be a legend in something like Cirque du Soleil. Nigel offers Charlie a golden ticket.<br /><br />Next we go to someone "desperate for a second chance": it's Bethany Rose Harrison (20, from Devon), who apparently got "very close" last year and just missed out in a place on the live shows. I have no recollection of her, so I went back to check last year's audition recap, and she's mentioned in it once, in the context of "this person is given a name but I don't know where she came from." I suspect this narrative might've been slightly more affecting if they hadn't had to squeeze all the auditions and choreography camp into one episode last year. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I'm shocked we didn't get a round of Alexandra Burke pointing out later that Louis Walsh did exactly the same thing to her, AND NOW SHE IS THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IN THE GALAXY - Chris</span>] Bethany says that the rejection gave her the strength [<span style="font-style: italic;">/bitterness - Chris</span>] to work all year to come back again, and she's realised how much she wanted it.<br /><br />She takes to the stage and Nigel "remembers" her, and Bethany tells Nigel that regardless of not getting on the show, the experience changed her life and showed her that she can be a better dancer. Bethany starts out with a contemporary routine to Keane's 'Somewhere Only We Know' and the first time I saw it my reaction was that it was very impressive, very precise and very expressive, but perhaps a teeny bit on the dull side. Bethany, however, has obviously anticipated this reaction and halfway through the song switches to Warrant's 'Cherry Pie', as Bethany demonstrates the sort of routine she might do for Poledance Week [<span style="font-style: italic;">oh sure, we didn't get a Poledance Week in HOTT Alistair's year but we'll get one now... - Chris</span>] and delivers a routine that's more dynamic, energetic, and filled with hair-flipping sass. Smart thinking.<br /><br />Nigel tells Bethany that worked for him (no kidding), and Arlene says that "the kitten turned into a panther", Louise tells her that it's good to have her back, and Sisco says that she's got her talent and her look down, and it was fantastic. Nigel has a golden ticket for Bethany, and the Department Of Ill-Advised Musical Cues lines up Katy Perry's 'Thinking Of You'. Why? Bethany says that she feels all her hard work over the past year has paid off.<br /><br />This, of course, segues into a montage of auditionees who were not above flirting with the panel in the hopes of advancing in the competition. A handsome man bats his eyelids winningly at Arlene. Louise tells another chap she wants to see his smile again. A female Latin dancer in the sort of outfit that Aliona Vilani might consider "a tad skimpy" gets a wow from Nigel. Louise tells her that she'd just like to borrow that body for a day, prompting Nigel to cackle "me too!" A man comes on without a shirt, and Louise tells him not to bother covering up. A woman whirls her tits at Nigel. Another girl reminds Nigel of Katy Perry, so he asks her if she's ever kissed a girl. (She hasn't. Boring!) And then my lunch makes an unexpected trip back up my oesophagus as a male dancer waggles his arse at Sisco and Sisco basically falls off his chair leering at him. Arlene calls the guy out on flirting with Sisco, and he replies "do you blame me?" Blame, no. Judge, yes. The chap tries to rescue the situation by saying he was aiming to flirt with everyone, especially Nigel, because Nigel's his favourite. Sisco squeaks in affront at this, and the guy tries to cover with "after you, obviously!" And then they all went off and had an orgy, the end [<span style="font-style: italic;">of humanity as we know it - Chris</span>].<br /><br />Oh boy. Our next auditionee is Mary Swift (54, from London), who is surprised to hear that she's the oldest dancer in the competition. She seems very sweet, but hopelessly delusional. Nigel asks her for her age, and the audience give her a round of applause when they hear. Nigel: "My God, if you get a round of applause for being 54, I'll get a standing ovation." He asks her if she thinks she "stand[s] an opportunity of moving on in this competition." Wow, that was quite a mangled sentence. Mary thinks that she does. Nigel continues to express some reservation about Mary's suitability for the competition in light of her age, and Sisco sneers "you told me age wasn't nothing but a number." Actually, Sisco, I think you'll find it was Aaliyah who told you that. Also, since Sisco told someone last week that he was over the hill at 33, I'm thinking that Sisco can shut up. But then I'm always thinking that.<br /><br />The music kicks in ('Billie Jean') and Mary touches her toes a few times, then for reasons best known to Mary and only Mary, turns to face stage left and just wiggles her bum up and down. Sisco's all smiles and bopping to the track, while Nigel snips "okay, you judge" to the others and leaves the room. Mary continues in her own little world as Louise looks on sympathetically, and Arlene smiles in a "my instincts as an older woman in the media want me to be on your side but GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS" sort of way. Louise tells Mary that she can probably see from Nigel's exit that it wasn't working - she thinks it's great that Mary enjoys dancing, but that she basically wasted everyone's time by turning up. I like that Louise, despite clearly being cast as "the nice judge", really isn't one for sugarcoating. Sisco apologises on Nigel's behalf just as Nigel re-enters, and Nigel tells Sisco not to apologise on his behalf because he can speak for himself. Nigel continues by saying that allowing Mary on the show makes a mockery of the whole programme, and loses the integrity of the people (<span style="font-style: italic;">*gestures to audience*</span>) who work so hard to make it as dancers. [<span style="font-style: italic;">And whose fault is that Nigel? It's not as though she snuck her way in hiding under Sisco's Power-Cloak - Chris</span>] The audience claps, and Arlene voices her agreement. Sisco says that Mary came here and enjoyed herself, and that with respect to Nigel, he didn't think that reaction was necessary, and he hopes it didn't dishearten Mary. Oh Sisco. Mary wasn't even looking at the panel, I don't think she even noticed Nigel was gone. Mary exits, and vows to come back next year. Suddenly I'm glad that series three is a remote possibility at best.<br /><br />Montage of "eccentric" auditions. Some of them are obviously shit, although most of them don't actually seem that bad out of context.<br /><br />Cat intones that the judges were feeling pretty low at this point, but here's one dancer who knows how to soldier on and has come to lift their spirits. Ryan Jenkins (27, from the Isle of Wight originally, now lives in London) has worked in musical theatre with Arlene Phillips (that's not his sob story, just to clarify) and will be dancing contemporary today. He tells us that he's been through a lot, because he lost his brother to cancer on Ryan's birthday. How selfish of his brother not to hang on a day or two more. I mean, I don't mean to be flippant, but "HE DIED OF CANCER ON MY BIRTHDAY!" is a prime example of how not to do a sob story, because it kind of makes it sound like you're more annoyed that it happened on your birthday than you are about your brother dying of cancer. Had Ryan just left those three words out, I'd probably be feeling significantly more sympathetic than I am currently. Ryan adds that he also lost his mum a few years ago. No unnecessary details are added here, so perhaps he's learning already. Obviously as a result of all of this, Ryan's dad means a lot to him, and so Ryan's very honoured that his dad is here to watch him audition today, especially as he's getting older and can't travel to see him perform as much as he used to.<br /><br />Ryan dances a contemporary piece for the judges to 'Colorblind' by Counting Crows. Despite there being one or two instances of overly-literal choreography within the piece, it's pretty good. Nigel tells Ryan that he has magnificent lines and he brings everything to the table, with emotions and great technique. Ryan reminds everyone that his dad's in the audience, and his dad gets a round of applause. Nigel tells Ryan that he's looking forward to seeing him do a happy dance. I suggest <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUQX2B67KL4">this one</a>. Arlene hands Ryan his golden ticket, and tells him it's been a long time coming.<br /><br />Montage of other talent: Regan Shepherd (20, from Basildon), who Arlene thinks Can Indeed Dance, Danielle Cato (24, from Farnborough), and Louise tells her that some dancers could train for many years and still not be as good as Danielle is. There's also Megan Preston (20, from Chester), who gets through, and Shane Collard (24, from Perth, Australia), who gets Sisco's approval. Daniel Ovel (22, from Hereford), wears a tie that gets in the way of his routine a bit, but his talent shines through and Nigel tells him he linked it together brilliantly, and Arlene thinks he's different in a very good way. Then we see Regan again for some reason.<br /><br />Next up is Ben Woods (19, from Morecambe), which he thinks is a very boring place to live. You see he works in a factory (he needs the money), he doesn't want to be late (though he hates this place). Again, as sob stories go, "I live by the seaside and work in a factory" isn't really cutting the mustard. Ben says that his dream to be a bodypopper came from watching videos on YouTube. He taught himself how to dance, and says that he practices "in the shadows, where no one can see me." I don't really understand <span style="font-style: italic;">why</span> he feels this is necessary. Is Morecambe currently the setting for a remake of <span style="font-style: italic;">Footloose</span>? Is John Lithgow going to kick his ass if anyone finds out that he's a secret bodypopper? Ben goes on to say that if he's going home at night and there's a streetlight, he'll dance under it and use his shadow to watch his movement. Seriously, dude: get a mirror. He says that he just wants to be a dancer, and Cat tells us that with no formal training, Ben has "risked everything" for his audition. He explains to Cat that he got laid off from his job in order to do the audition for the show. Cat's all "that's a lot of pressure on our show, dude."<br /><br />Ben bodypops to 'Pass That Dutch' by Missy Elliott. His bodypopping's good, but I don't feel big things are in store for him on this show because he's not...moving very much. And doesn't really look as though he can. Arlene thinks she's watching a "male version of <i>Flashdance</i>" having heard his story, and thinks every young teenager will fall in love with him. Louise thinks she just wants to see him do well and tells him to imagine himself dancing on a big stage in front of thousands. Nigel tells him that the next stage could prove difficult for him, because he's not experienced choreography before - he hopes that Ben will surprise them by picking it up, but wants Ben to be aware of the challenge that awaits him.<br /><br />Callbacks! The dancers are paired up as couples (I spot the dude who was macking on Sisco, so he obviously got at least this far), and if they impress the judges, they'll get a golden ticket and proceed to choreography camp, but if not, they'll be CUT FOREVER. Unfortunately, Ben goes to pieces in the choreographed number and is clearly not up to the same standard as his peers. Arlene says that she wishes she could give him everything he wants, because he's worked so hard and created his own special way of dancing, but it's not enough to take him forward. She hopes he can find a scholarship to keep on dancing and perhaps come back next year, and urges him to keep practising in the meantime. Sisco tells Ben that every time he's in London doing a masterclass, Ben can come for free. That's very helpful, Sisco, considering Ben lives IN MORECAMBE. Ben vows to return next year.<br /><br />In his absence, the callbacks continue, and lots of dancers get through, including Regan and Daniel who we saw briefly earlier.<br /><br />It's the last day of auditions now, and we're back at Television Centre with another crowd of hopefuls obstructing the pavement outside. On the way to the stage, Nigel says he hopes there will be no arguments today. Fat chance. We're "treated" to a flashback of his fight with Sisco, even though it happened less than half an hour ago.<br /><br />Oh God. Starting the day off are obnoxious hipsters JJ and James (didn't they win series three of <i>The Restaurant</i>?) James is apparently into popping and locking (is that even legal?), and JJ says that they're funk stylists first and foremost [<span style="font-style: italic;">I couldn't begin to tell you what I think they are first and foremost - Chris</span>], but mumblemumblemumble. Seriously, these two speak like they're having one of those dodgy speech therapy treatments that Colin Firth was undergoing in <i>The King's Speech</i> before Helena Bonham Carter found Geoffrey Rush in the phonebook. James is all "I even like morris dancing, ho ho ho IRONIC AND SHIT."<br /><br />They dance for the judges, at which point we discover their full names are James Pullum (24) and Jon-Jo Inkpen (23, both from Colchester). James begins with a slightly sloppy but still impressive series of backflips, while JJ does some acrobatics and ends with a split that would look a lot better if he weren't wearing douchenozzly hipster trousers with the crotch dangling around his knees. They're not that great - the routine, once the opening acrobatics have subsided, is a bit generic and James is clearly behind the beat at times. They end with some solos, including James doing a pirouette that lands awkwardly and seems to involve some hasty freestyling to make it look deliberate.<br /><br />Sisco tells JJ that he left James behind, and he wishes he could've just cut James out of the equation and just watched JJ. Not that Sisco is ever rude or dismissive to anyone, of course. Louise thinks that's harsh. Sisco tells James that his pirouettes were hunchbacked, at which point Arlene objects and asks him to do them again, which he does: better this time, obviously. Sisco's all "can I finish now?" Arlene: "No, you've said enough." HA! Nice one, Arlene. Louise votes yes to both, as does Arlene. Nigel and Sisco both vote yes to JJ and no to James, but it doesn't matter, because they're both through to callbacks.<br /><br />Up next is Sophie Cook (23, from Bath, currently living in Kent), who is very nervous and has stolen Toyah Willcox's hair from the '80s. Sophie tells us that she will be performing "a lyrical commercial kind of contemporary fusion", and she hopes the judges won't be too mean because she's "bricking it". Nigel asks her if she's styled herself today, and she has, unsurprisingly.<br /><br />Sophie dances very well, but the focus very much seems to be on her hair, which Nigel likens to "a blonde Davy Crockett hat", and since she too is sporting the obnoxious dangling crotch in her trousers, Nigel's concerned that it makes her legs look even shorter. Sisco says he's "going to be real". As <i>RuPaul's Drag Race</i> has taught us, this is a euphemism for "I am going to shit-talk you until the cows come home." He tells Sophie that she needs a new look, because that mullet isn't doing it. Louise asks to interject, but Sisco shuts her down, and tells Sophie that she's got technique and performance, but the look is a big distraction, and he's saying this because the way you present yourself is very important - she looks dated and it doesn't do her any favours. This, just in case you've lost track, is all coming from Sisco, who has turned up to every audition so far looking like Planet Hollywood threw up on him in 1993. Louise, finally permitted to speak, points out that Sophie might not like how Sisco looks, and it's a personal thing. Which is kind of a dumb response, because (a) clearly no one likes how Sisco looks and (b) Sisco's point, gratingly-made as it was, was that as a jobbing dancer, you can be dismissed for the most trivial of reasons and it's in your best interests to present yourself in such a way that doesn't detract from your performance. Anyway, they bicker for a bit, pointlessly, and eventually Louise tells Sophie that she "enjoyed your dancing, anyway". All four judges put her through to callbacks. Sophie exits and is all "...wow." As well she might be. Sisco, still looking like Ronald McDonald in drag, embarks on another rant about the importance of image in this business of dance. Sometimes I suspect he can't actually hear himself, because if he can: why? Louise smirks that Sisco's probably forgotten that he used to dance behind her back in the day. Sisco: "She knew about the commercial field, I <i>know about</i> the commercial field." Oh for fuck's sake, get over it, both of you.<br /><br />Cat introduces a montage of "remaining" dancers telling us how long they've been at it (one of whom I'd swear is Regan, who has already auditioned and got through to choreography camp, but whatever), which segues into the audition of Scott Rayson (48, from Bath), who is old. He thinks electricity emanates from his body when he dances. Cat asks him if he has the stamina, and he tells her that when he goes to the gym, he works out for 3-4 hours. Crikey. He performs for the judges in a fairly amateurish fashion, with a routine that involves a lot of stretching with a towel. Arlene cackles at the ridiculousness of it all. Nigel asks if the towel is supposed to represent nunchucks. Scott explains that he flaps his open shirt as a cooling system. Sisco calls it "bizarre". Arlene says it was "a little unusual". Nigel says that by all means, Scott can enjoy himself in a social setting [<span style="font-style: italic;">thanks Nigel - Social Settings The World Over</span>], but he has no place in a competitive dance show. [<span style="font-style: italic;">And yet here he is. - Chris</span>]<br /><br />Montage of also-rans, which segues into the judges listing their pet hates. Sisco hates naff hairstyles (HA!), Louise hates people who dance too much with their faces, Nigel hates people who blow kisses or wink at him, and Sisco hates contestants who don't understand hip hop. Arlene is not featured in this VT, so we'll just assume that her pet hate involves Alesha Dixon somehow.<br /><br />Up next is Fernando Rivero (18, from Spain), who used to do a lot of acrobatics, and has been a hip hop choreographer in Spain and is now starting out here doing the same thing. He is tiny and adorable. Nigel asks him how long he's been in the country, and the answer is "one month". Heh. Fernando tells Nigel that he represented Spain in the gymnastics world championships. He dances to 'Halo' by Beyoncé and it's a bit...insular, for want of a better word. He does some awesome tumbles (including one that turns into the splits, HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE) but the dancing itself is not so great.<br /><br />Louise tells him that he's adorable, but there wasn't much dancing in his performance. Nigel agrees with Louise, and says that he wanted to see much more dancing. He doesn't think Fernando is ready for this show yet. Arlene thinks Fernando has rhythm and feeling and charm, which Nigel disagrees with. Sisco says that he agreed with Nigel until Nigel said that Fernando wasn't ready for this season (which: what? He agreed that there was almost no dancing in there, but still thinks Fernando is ready for this competition? Whatever, Sisco) and thinks Fernando is a breath of fresh air and raw talent. He wants Fernando to stay and prove Nigel wrong. It's a no from Louise and Nigel, but a yes from Sisco and Arlene, so Fernando is through to callbacks, with a warning from Arlene that he's not to let her down. The Department of Obvious Musical Cues lines up Abba's 'Fernando'. Fernando vows to dance and learn the choreography. "I will be in the show so okay, bye!" Heh.<br /><br />Cat tells us that it's been a tough day with no golden tickets, but 21 dancers have made it through to callbacks for one last chance. Fernando and Sophie are partnered together, and we get a flashback of Louise and Sisco's argument about Sophie's look, as Sophie ties her hair up in an attempt at a quick fix. Sisco approves of the new look and thinks she looks "like a little button". How patronising. They dance, and Fernando gets a golden ticket. Sophie left the judges unsure, so she's paired up again with someone else to repeat the routine, and gets through this time.<br /><br />JJ and James are in the final group. Arlene tells James that he was behind the time in his first hip hop routine, but because he danced so well now, he's got a golden ticket - but he must NEVER GET OUT OF TIME AGAIN. Of course, JJ gets a golden ticket as well. They're joined by a lot more people who we've never seen before. Hooray! I guess.<br /><br />We now move to Choreography Camp at the Excel Centre, where the dancers will have to learn jazz, hip hop, broadway and contemporary routines and perform them for the judges, and if they don't deliver, they'll be cut. Nigel (sporting some lovely knitwear) talks excitedly about the level of pressure at this point.<br /><br />While everyone's waiting to get started, someone is not feeling well: 24-year-old contemporary dancer Edgar Flores, who apparently charmed the judges on Day 2, but not enough for them to actually show us his audition before now. Edgar blames his ill feeling on a below-par breakfast, but hopes to be able to perform regardless.<br /><br />Nigel calls everyone to the stage and tells them that they are the "class of 2011", who should look upon choreography camp as a "university of dance". There are about 70 dancers there, who will need to be cut down to a Top 20. Nigel advises them all not to waste a single second of their performance time for their solos. Things seem to start well, but by the contestants' own admission, the standard seems to drop in the latter half of the proceedings. One of the last to perform solo is contemporary dancer Lauren Okadigbo (26, from Finland), whose performance goes disastrously wrong when she fails to land a jump properly and whacks her head on the stage. Even Nigel visibly recoils when it happens. She goes off to get checked for a concussion, but seems to be okay and jokes that her pride was injured more than her face was. Also in the wars is Edgar, whose body is cramping up. He too is checked over by the medic and given the go-ahead to continue, but advised to have some food and rest.<br /><br />Nigel calls everyone back to the stage, and informs the assembled hopefuls that some people who they had at the top of their lists are tumbling down, and Sisco adds that the judges don't understand how people can turn up and only give 50%, because they're supposed to be the best. Nigel says that a few of them will be cut right now, and lists three names: Devon Smith, Yasmin Croche and Donny Fiero (I think), who are told to come to the front, and sent home there and then. Ooh, harsh.<br /><br />Everyone else stays for a hip hop choreography session, which choreographer Simeon Qysea thinks will sort the able from the less able. Sisco points out that there's floor work in the routine, which is difficult for some dancers who aren't aware of their own body weight. Chris and I swear at this point that we can see last year's runner-up Tommy assisting Simeon in the choreography, but he's not namechecked by the show at any point, so maybe we're just seeing things. [<span style="font-style: italic;">IT WAS HIM! STILL LOVE YOU TOMMY x x x - Chris</span>] Lee Payne, who auditioned with a tap routine last week, says it's hard for him as he's not a natural hip hop dancer, and Charlie agrees that it's tough. Also feeling the pressure is 20-year-old b-boy Lee Crowley, who apparently we saw last week, who hit his head while performing on stage two days before Choreography Camp started, and also came down with food poisoning (another one? Sheesh, it's like <i>Drop Dead Gorgeous</i> on this show all of a sudden). He admits that partner work and choreography is a new experience for him, but he vows to give it "150%".<br /><br />Nigel raises the stakes by bringing in a special guest judge, "currently the UK's hottest female soloist" - Alexandra BURKE. Ryan is very excited to see her, but also very nervous. Alexandra says that she's looking for a connection between herself and the dancers, and a trier will always win for her. Some of the contestants fret that they're not hip hop dancers.<br /><br />In group 1, Lee Payne is paired with Katie Love. Louise tells Lee that he clearly struggled to be choreographed, while even though it wasn't Katie's comfort zone, she attacked it and injected it with a bit of swag, so Lee's leaving us and Katie's sticking around. Lee says that he came here to find out if he's a good enoughh tap dancer for the world to see, and feels like his first audition has shown that.<br /><br />More people struggle with hip hop, and special guest judge Alexandra BURKE breaks the bad news to those who are being cut loose. One girl very politely thanks the judges for everything. By 5pm, 11 dancers have been cut, but 59 very grateful contestants are still in the game. Lauren is one of them, and she's very happy about it. Lee is also still there, and says that he needs to work on connecting with his partner, and plans to practise that tonight. Stephanie Powell (27, from London) wants a bath, and tap dancer Matt wants a hug. Alexandra BURKE says that she'd invite about 40% of the dancers to dance with her, and there was magic in the room even for those who aren't hip hop specialists.<br /><br />Lee and Edgar are sharing a hotel room, and remark on their good fortune. Lee tells us that the stitches in his head are a lot better (I assume he means the wound itself; I can't imagine the stitches have changed much) and Edgar says that he has to deliver and give everything.<br /><br />Next week! Moar choreography camp, an all-night challenge, and the Top 20 will be revealed. SHOOGABOOGACANDANCEStevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-57432303468201245492011-03-27T12:50:00.000+01:002011-03-28T11:24:23.054+01:00So You Think You Can Audition?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Auditions 1: 26th March 2011</span><br /><br />Previously on So You Think You Can Dance : Fabia Cerra (remember her?), Professor Deckchair, Sisco forever ruining the word "phenomenal" for me, the Latin Curse only being broken by sheer Yanet-fierceness, everybody who ever watched Strictly spending the first few weeks scratching their heads going "hang on, this isn't ballroom as I have been led to believe it exists", Giant Lady telling Lizzie to get over herself, Bed Dance, Frank Gatson being a bitch, Kate Prince being an abomination, Queen Mandy's awesome solos, HOTT Alistair dripping sweat everywhere and being grumpy and gross and still HOTT, Nigel making the amazing executive decision to bring over the worst choreographer of the American version (THANKS NIGEL!) over to do a routine, Hayley declaring the music of Chris Brown stupid and retarded and the public thinking this is a BAD thing, Cancer Dance, Drew yelling "JUDY JUDY JUDY!", Drew's gold cock-phone, Drew being amazing and yet not winning somehow (*looks at British public with the side-eye*), Swan Lake, the worst Paso Doble ever in the history of the world ever, Robbie crippling himself and Nigel thinking it made awesome tv, Lizzie being high off her ass in the finale screaming about conquering America, Charlie somehow winning let's move on...<div><br /></div><div>Oh and these recaps. Hello.</div><div><br /></div><div>We open this year's round of fun, splits, and the most obvious "under the bus"ing in the whole of reality tv, with a ticking clock and Cat solemnly intoning that the wait is over! Britain's biggest dance show is BACK! What, we're on another series of Strictly already? Shit, I haven't even done a preview entry about it ye...oh, no, wait, apparently <i>this </i>is Britain's biggest dance show. Don't stop believin', Cat. There then follow lots of clips of people throwing themselves around, notionally dancing, and crying like they're Artem Chigvintsev or something. Also it looks like Nigel tells Sisco to fuck off at some point (*rubs hands together*). Cat tells us that this year the talent is HOTTer than ever. I can't believe any of them are going to be as hot as HOTT Alistair was, but we shall see.</div><div><br /></div><div>SHOOGA-BOOGA CAN DANCE! LA LA LA LA! SHUGGY YUGGY CAN DANCE!</div><div><br /></div><div>I've missed singing (/garbling) that so much it almost makes the rest of this auditions show worthwhile.</div><div><br /></div><div>We open, as is customary with Audition Shows, with lots of people screaming down the camera lens outside BBC Television Centre at the behest of a producer. Woo! Auditioning! It's amazing! I'm so happy I made it this far! Cat, having scrunched up some old wrapping paper and called it a scarf, welcomes us and tells us that they're looking for Britain's Favourite Dancer. And I'm sure BBC Television Centre is a good place to start, as Robert Webb is no doubt in the middle of filming something in there. The doors are opened and everyone runs through them, screaming their anonymous asses off again some more! Woo! I made it through the front door! I've been on such a journey.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I auditioned for Only Connect there was none of this screaming shit I can tell you that now. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Speak for yourself. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Cat runs through the prizes for us - £50,000 and the chance to dance on the US Final (apparently Charlie went down rather well. I always said Americans had no taste) - and tells us that the cream of UK dance talent has journeyed from all over the UK for this, the average prize-fund for an episode of Ant n Dec's Push The Button. If you randomly burst into salsa there, it'd probably have the same net effect as winning this show, and it'd be a whole lot less effort. Although if you did that you'd not get to meet POP LEGEND Louise, so *makes scales gesture*</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh yeah, the judges : Hollywood mogul Nigel Lythgoe (driving through LA with his top down and his system up naturally, wagging his finger about what a meanie he's going to be), Award-Winning choreographer and self-proclaimed "tough old bird" Arlene Phillips (lurking around an abandoned theatre groaning about how she wants the contestants to make her scream and shout and moan and bang her head against the...oh wait she's talking about the dancing. For once), attention-seeking malcontent Sisco (inside the studio talking about what a bad-ass bitch he is whilst wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy clip-on bow tie cum ascot), and "pop phenomenon Louise" (a ha ha ha, yeah, ok). Nigel closes this cavalcade of eccentrically-dressed tittery by saying that the dancers this year are going to have to be MUCH better than last series, because the show needs to find the very best dancers(/capture the public imagination in any way whatsoever, at all, even a little bit) to get a third series. </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, and if we can pick a boy winner so the show doesn't have to blow half its budget on hiring security to protect them from Arlene thinking they're going to usurp her spot on the judging panel, he'd be most grateful.</div><div><br /></div><div>In a step up from last year, Cat then actually explains how the auditions work! Yay! Knowledge is power! So...contestants will dance and then be herded into one of three different groups :</div><div><br /></div><div>No - this means you are going home, and if you weren't super-gay or foreign, or both, you're not even going to be on tv</div><div><br /></div><div>Callbacks - this means the judges want to continue to dick around with you in order to make some sort of point about something. You'll come back at the end of the day and dance again</div><div><br /></div><div>Golden Ticket - RELEASE THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!</div><div><br /></div><div>(NB : The Golden Ticket montage shows at least one person reacting to getting a Golden Ticket, when in fact they were put in the Callbacks group. Just saying.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Golden Tickets and Callbacks who they're creating a storyline for will advance to Choreography Camp and the chance to have James Jordan yell at them. Fun! </div><div><br /></div><div>It's business time!</div><div><br /></div><div>First up is (Matt Flint, 29, Scarborough, Halifax Radio Hottie) who is a tapper. And he's already in with a great chance of winning, as tap dancing just broke the heretofor unbreakable stranglehold of D-List comedy acts winning "Let's Drag Up For Comic Relief". Also, he's not exactly hideous. He tells us that he started dancing when he was 13 and has been at it for 15 years, so in the dance-world he's a geriatric. We're shown him soulfully walking on the beach, bashfully smiling about how dance really gives him a chance to express his innermost secret feelings, like the show wants us to fancy him or something.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the room, he does a nice-enough tap routine with a little bit of jumping around to "In The Basement" by Etta James whilst Sisco gazes at him like a total sex-pervert. [<span style="font-style: italic;">I have to say, I cooled on Matt a little bit purely for wearing a hat that made him look like Olly Murs. - Steve</span>] Who knew that Sisco had a thing for milquetoast tappers? Maybe it's the fact that he's wearing a stupid hat and an ill-fitting shirt that draws his eye so? Louise boogies in her seat a little, and when he's finished Arlene leaps to her feet screaming and twitching her nethers around a bit. Nigel says he loved it because it was down into the floor, which is Nigel's favourite type of tap-dancing, Arlene calls him exciting, Louise says "yeah, what Nigel said" but with added panting and blushing, and then Sisco flings his phone-number at him on a screwed up bit of paper and faints. Matt's getting a Golden Ticket and a couple of STDs tonight!</div><div><br /></div><div>MATTFLINTMANIA!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up is (Stephanie Powell, 27, London, sexy Emily Mortimer) and is a professional (boo hiss!) dancer working in London. She tells us she's going to be giving us samba, and really wants the opportunity to work with lots of world-reknowned choreographers in lots of different styles, and this competition is the only place where she can do that. Nigel beams at her all "thanks for regurgitating the press pack and hence feeding my ego darling". Little suck-up. He tells her that he's keeping her fingers crossed in the hope that she's good. At what, he doesn't say.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anywho, Stephanie has brought a slave-boy zombie to partner her in the dance, which mostly involves a veritable panoply of butt-shaking, pin-working and arm-waggling. Sisco and Nigel scream back and forth across the lady judges about how good she is, whilst Arlene has the frozen face of an Octogenarian post-mistress stuck in a lift with Tinie Tempah. She's in awe, and slightly terrified, and maybe a little aroused by Stephanie's hot backing Slave-Zombie. It's a potent mix to be sure. Once Stephanie's done, and her Slave-Zombie is returned to the crypt, everyone gushes like a burst fire-hydrant over her, telling her she's a shoo-in for the Top Ten, so wonderful for deigning to give up her paid work to come do this little show, and just an all round amazing human being and humanitarian. Stephanie and her Army Of The Undead advance then, no doubt to tell us all how she really enjoys changing partners every week, as it really allows her to show off her versatility, and that's what makes So You Think You Can Dance so am...blah blah blah.</div><div><br /></div><div>Cat says that these two amazing dancers and personalities are the day "getting off to a great start" and that the magic then continues for a bit. Cue montage of (Bruce Aguilar-Rohan, 20, Northampton, Hair Like A Horse's Mane), (Daniel Thompson, 22, Gloucester, Another Victim Of Ill-Fitting Shirts), (Lee Payne, 34, West Sussex, Bad-Ass Ancient Tapper) all advancing via the magic of Golden Tickets. Everyone's so amazing! What could possibly stop the magic?</div><div><br /></div><div>Why, it's mother and daughter super-team (Shanelle, 21, London, Minor Skins Character) and (Cordell, 45, The Black Lagoon, the Black Bet Lynch). Shanelle is currently bumping and grinding in the carpark, whilst her mother, oozing crazy out of every pore, tells Cat that they arrived at the studios at 7:36am. If only Cordell would show this degree of accuracy and diligence in...anything else in her life. She brazens to Cat that her daughter will get through to Choreography Camp because she's got the swagger, the wiggle, the woggle and indeed, "everyting". Cat's all "what a woggle? Is that a racist thing? Are we going to have to edit that out? Can I say woggle?" and Cordell's all "I just made it up, that's how exciting I am", Cat blathers on about Beyoncé because that is a black person she has heard of who is doing things recently, then she, Shanelle and Cordell grind around like idiots as Crazy In Love plays til the film on the cameras runs out.</div><div><br /></div><div>Inside it is revealed that both Shanelle and Cordell are auditioning, and at the same time as well, with Shanelle dressed up as Carnival-Time, and Cordell as the 80s drag-queen who actually ate shit Divine. Shanelle giggles about how she and her mum dance all the time in the clubs, and I kind of want to throw a blanket over Shanelle's head and bundle her into a car and away from this madness, to save her from this life of becoming Cordell, but it's probably too late anyway. Shanelle then makes matters worse by claiming that she shakes her hips like "Sha-Carer". I think she means "a carer". Which in a way, she kind of is. Cordell claims she's more like Beyoncé, and Shanelle can't even summon up the gumption to give a proper "my mother eh?" to camera. Shame, if you'd screamed "SEND FOR HELP!" with your eyes loud enough, the Social might have sent someone round.</div><div><br /></div><div>They audition, to that Alexandra Burke joint where she talks about her dripping vagina to a Floella Benjamin beat, and they're both dreadful, but Cordell is so dreadful the judges throw Shanelle a sympathy solid, and ask her to come back to Callbacks, so Louise can give her some leaflets and tell her it's alright, she owes no loyalty to this thing. Nigel flirts with Cordell (a decision which I will imagine he'll repent at leisure for), Arlene hoots that the Notting Hill Carnival has come to Shepherd's Bush (a MASSIVE journey there), and Louise tells Cordell to sort her life out and stop bothering her. </div><div><br /></div><div>Outside Cordell says that she's proud for her daughter (LIE!) and that she wishes her all the best in the next round, as Shanelle grins about how she wishes mummy could have moved on with her. Maybe so she wouldn't have to put the locks on her bedroom door again tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up is (Katie Love, 24, Worcester, The One From Spooks Who Ros Shot In The Face), and a contemporary dancer, who has decided that the way to go in this competition is to hoover up to Arlene and never let go. Having been around showbiz for more than long enough now, Arlene is 1% flattered, 99% suspicious. It doesn't help that Katy pursues this path of flattery by saying "old-school" a million times and getting a bit Single White Female about just how like Arlene she is. Maybe she can borrow one of Arlene's tops some time? (*hrnk hrnk hrnk*)</div><div><br /></div><div>For her audition she's throwing herself around the floor to (the hideous, presumptive, hinking, 3rd-form politickery of) "Dear Mr President" by Pink, quite limply. Arlene moans "nice", although this may just be because she's planning to harvest Katie Love's organs and use them to keep her ass alive if she thinks she's so much like Arlene. Once Katie's done flopping around, Arlene praises her for her delicacy and power, and says that was almost faultless. Sisco and Nigel both praise her for not trying to be interesting at any point (/being understated and not "battering through the music") and of course she's through. Arlene gives her her Golden Ticket, and Katie actually curtseys to her. Whatever, Katie Love.</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up? (Tomasz Wisniewski, 26, Poland, Astrid The Space Pirate's Younger Brother). Words alone cannot do justice to his ensemble. There's a blonde mohawk, some red carvings in the side of his scalp that look frankly scabby, a yellow vest, chunky yellow belt, pastel blue denim hot-pants and shiny blue tie. He does some hi-NRG twitching and gurning around the corridors of Television Centre, like the Polish Louie Spence, before Cat restrains his ass for just long enough for him to admit that he's here as a joke audition and wants to be a tv presenter, specifically on this show, like this is any place to start. And yet we're still going to waste time on him why? Cat laughs that he's come for her job, and she'll arm-wrestle him for it right here right now, because seriously, who couldn't take Tomasz in an arm-wrestle?</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage he goes, where Nigel asks him what style of dance Tomasz has studied. Tomasz basically replies "Attention-Seeking" and then whitters on about how he wants Cat's job again forever, until Nigel forces him to actually dance so we can all go home, and then Tomasz Wisniewski body-pops to "When Love Takes Over" and it's kind of...majestic. He rubs his nipples over and over again then just flings his arms and legs around any old how. This is probably how I dance, although if it is, don't tell me. [<span style="font-style: italic;">My lips are sealed. - Steve</span>] All the judges throw their arms around like they're in an imaginary rave, with Louise working Arlene's arms for her, because Arlene is old. Tomasz ends of course, on his bended knees with a hand covering his face, because OF COURSE HE DOES.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sisco starts by calling it "living to the max" (Sisco says "living" a lot this episode, because he's trying to make it happen. I'm only highlighting it this once, because I'm not) and says that he really would like Tomasz to keep on doing his thing, because it's fab and needs to be happening in the Universe, although preferably not where Sisco has to see it. Word, Sisco. Louise wants Tomasz to be her gay friend and maybe appear in a Wii advert with her, and Arlene suggests he try out for these young person's raves she's been hearing about, but obviously, Tomasz and So You Think You Can Dance must part ways here. Ah well.</div><div><br /></div><div>After what looks like my aunt rolls around the floor in a pink dress and tiara (I really hope it isn't - I'll ask her) the judges take a quick Nandos break, giving Cat the chance to show off her personality by bothering people in the queue to dance with her. It's like Len's Masterclass on It Takes Two, but somehow worse. Cat's likeable people! Like her! [<span style="font-style: italic;">At least Cat actually manages to sound sincere and enthusiastic. Dermot O'Leary could take a few pointers from her. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Next up is (Kirsty Swain, 29, Surrey, Glamorous Lady Of Wrestling) who is a dance-teacher and a total over-dancer. If Katie Love was restrained and powerful like a fine caviar, Kirsty Swain is overseasoned and crunchy like a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. And I know which I prefer. She's a dance teacher she tells us. I hope being a "dance teacher" on this show isn't the equivalent of being a "singing teacher" on X Factor. Anyway, she crunks around the boiler-room of Television Centre (almost bumping into the Strictly judges filming an insert for next series probably) giggling that she feels like Louie Spence. We then see her teaching kids "from 3 to 16" the ways of the over-dance as Professor Green pulses ridiculously in the background, before we</div><div><br /></div><div>*record needle slip* into Adele soundtracking her reality show sob-story, as Kirsty Swain is partially deaf. In both ears. She quarter-sobs that she was born this way (ADD A NEW VERSE GAGA!) and that nobody even noticed she was deaf until she was 12, because she's just that awesome. She says that she gets by by lip-reading and it's just part of who she is. Well that was a U-Turn for the even better. Half-deaf, born this way, over-dancer Kirsty Swain for the win please.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage now where Nigel ascertains that Kirsty is half-deaf, currently lip-reading, and also that she dances by hearing the vibrations in the sound, like Evelyn Glennie explained to us 50 times in the 90s. This prompts Nigel to call her an inspiration and demand that she GO FOR IT!</div><div><br /></div><div>Which she does, to "Make Me" by Janet Jackson, and by "GO FOR IT!", I mean over-dance terrifyingly, with little leg-pumps and mental grins and Hammer-dancer and slides and hair-tosses. Nigel screams at Sisco, like he is the one who is deaf, about how great her musicaility is, and Louise pops in unbidden to say that it's because of all the bass in the music. Yes dear. Meanwhile, Arlene looks at Kirsty like she's utter vomitous trash. Oh here we go...</div><div><br /></div><div>Nigel starts by calling Kirsty very old-fashioned and saying that she needs to control her face, before Arlene swings in like a wrecking ball to say that she offers nothing, has no technique, no strength and also is fat. The audience boo the heck out of Arlene, before Kirsty tells them all to calm down, because she is totally fat, but only because she's been teaching cute children how to dance, but she still does get work, honest. Arlene then just calls Kirsty fat and old again. We close with Sisco and Louise voting her through to Callbacks Round, whilst Arlene pouts. Nigel just shrugs at her as if to say "it's alright, we'll get her later".</div><div><br /></div><div>Next up, a montage of Sisco and Louise arguing, with Sisco sniding at Louise repeatedly that she's too nice, like he didn't just put through the fat deaf old lady doing the Hammer Dance (NOT REALLY KIRSTY, LOVE YOU). Everyone acts like this is interesting, Sisco calls Louise a simpering prinny, Louise says that Sisco is trying way too hard to be the mean judge, and then we confirm this with a clip of Sisco telling some 33 year old that his life is over and that he should just crawl into a gutter and die now. Woo. Let's move on. [<span style="font-style: italic;">Team Louise, obviously. - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>7:00pm now, and auditions are drawing to a close, but we've still got time to visit the house of (Paige Smith, 18, Wolverhampton, nothing getting between her and her afro) before the drama of callbacks. She is a disco dancer and wants to do nothing else with her life but DANCE. She's got trophies, which she has arranged artfully in the back of shot, just so we know that they exist, not that she's calling any attention to them. Her mum says, as we get mainlined with more Adele straight to our man veins, that her daughter becomes a completely different person when she takes to the stage to dance. She wants this so much, she can't sleep, her audition number is 6368 and she is GENERIC.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out on stage to audition now, and Nigel asks her what generic forms of dance she's currently studying as a generic dance student. Paige says "contemporary, ballet, and jazz" with a waver in her voice. How generic. Nigel sends her off to begin, as he stage-whispers, again, across both Arlene and Louise, again, to Sisco about how nervous she is. Hey, Nigel, if you want to spend the whole time Yackety-Sax'ing with Sisco, make sure you're sat next to him yeah? This is just rude. Anyway, Paige leaps about to "Impossible" by Shontelle. It's not awful, but she's either inventing moves or not doing them right, because it's all very off-kilter and awkward. Given how generic she's been thus far, probably the latter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise tells her that she's a very pretty girl, but Sisco says it was alright, but very childish, and she spent too long rolling around on the floor like a dead fish. Arlene hops in to say that she's never seen the belly roll before, and she's seen a LOT, including some sex stuff in China she'd rather not talk about, and therefore it must be amazing. Might I suggest you go watch some 12 year olds try to haul themselves out of the local swimming baths Arlene? Anyway, she and Sisco bicker about this non-stop until Nigel decides to tell Paige that she's very shy, because he lives for this nonsense. She is BROUGHT OUT OF HERSELF BY DANCE and therefore getting to come to Callbacks. Paige cries. How generic.</div><div><br /></div><div>So...time for those Callbacks then. If you've lost track, in this round we're looking to see which of Kirsty, Shanelle, and Paige get through to Choreography Camp. All three (as well as a bunch of other people, who may or may not matter) have 45 minutes to pick up a pairs routine and then dance it for the judges. If you're good, you advance, if you suck, you go home.</div><div><br /></div><div>The routine is to "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz, and our three intrepid heroines perform as follows :</div><div><br /></div><div>Paige : With a nice looking young man. Does alright. One or the other of them is insanely off the beat though. She thinks the routine was ballroom (it wasn't, not even on this show), but gets through anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>Shanelle : Paired with a total Nordic hottie (who subsequently gets through, hooray), doesn't have a fucking clue, gets sent home, then her mother acts awful and horrific some more until Nigel has to chase her off the set with a broom.</div><div><br /></div><div>Kirsty : Is paired with an extra from Black Swan, gets through, Arlene still clearly hates her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hooray!</div><div><br /></div><div>And then there's more...</div><div><br /></div><div>7:30am the next day now, and a whole new scad of auditionees. A girl with a... I don't know what it is - it's like a ponytail but actually on top of her head, sticking straight up like an exclamation mark...Anyway, she says she's nervous. Dancers eh?... A boy in a beanie says this is an audition on a whole different scale from that which he has experienced before, and a cherub faced, porcelain skinned posh boy says that he'd be gutted if he had to go home. All the judges arrive on time, apart from Sisco, who is, on his second day at work, horribly late. Well, it's still one step up on Lee McQueen.</div><div><br /></div><div>First up is (Paolo Debernardi, 37, York, your friend's dad) and... he's doing a comedy Michael Jackson audition. I'm not covering this. I'm just not. I reached my tipping point with comedy Michael Jackson auditions about 3 American Idols ago. There's also a poem for Arlene in there somewhere. If you want it, it's on iPlayer, I'm not touching this turgid nonsense with my recapping bargepole. It lasts FIVE MINUTES.</div><div><br /></div><div>Montage of Weirdness now : some guy dances around the BBC corridors, falls on his arse, probably breaks his coccyx, and sues the show ; some 8 year old dances around the BBC Logo pretending she's riding a horsie ; Caggy from Big Brother 1 does Tae Bo ; Sam Fox recreates the video for "No More I Love Yous" with a Bowie Flash on her face ; some man wears a hat ; someone has their hoodie over their face ; two old people...do stuff ; an anorexic stripper ; some tits ; that girl with a head ponytail drags herself around by it ; for no reason, a young Marc Almond dressed as a half-naked sad mime whinges that HE IS SO classically trained.</div><div><br /></div><div>This show cannot do comedy auditions, and it shouldn't even try. Although I would have taken Marc Almond over the Michael Jackson guy obviously.</div><div><br /></div><div>Midday now, and finally we're getting a good audition from Day Two. Maybe they put all the crap people on early, just to learn Sisco for not showing up on time. Yes, everything on this show definitely DOES happen according to the timeline set up and presented to us, yes it does. Said good auditionee is (Charlotte Scally,19, Watford, could conceivably be played in a biopic of her life by Sheridan Smith) who works in a pub as a barmaid/waitress/server. I would imagine this sets her apart from a good...5% of the rest of the cast of this show. Who work in Topshop. We see her pouring drinks for any number of repellent old buffers whilst dressed in a fleece and track-pants, which I'm sure definitely happens. She tells us all that she really loves her job, but her real dream is "to be in loads of West End shows every night". Well that sounds like a well-thought out career plan. We're then treated to her spontaneously making up dances behind the bar whilst she pours pints, as her hipster friends sit around and laugh at the locals. Hooray!</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage, dressed like a cross between 80s Madonna, 90s Madonna, and the Madonna of today, where Nigel grizzles at her about having put down on her application form that she works in an "old-man's pub". Charlotte bats back that it totally is an old-man's pub. In fact the other day one booze-soddled old lech asked for her number. AND HE WAS FORTY! She laughed in his face and told him to go stick his head in his oven. Under the desk, Nigel droops as a sad trombone noise plays from the wings. He sends her off to lie on the stage, and then snarkily asks if she's feeling ok, and also that she needs to wash her feet (to be fair, she totally does, they look disgusting) setting her up as a crap audition and then...</div><div><br /></div><div>...she isn't! Woo! She spins like a top, leaps about with gusto, and whilst it's a bit slag-dance and she loses her puff from about 10 seconds in, it's amongst the better efforts we've seen this evening. Or maybe that's just the me that just had to sit through a FIVE MINUTE COMEDY MICHAEL JACKSON AUDITION talking. All the judges look pleased, apart from Sisco, whose face is full of venom. Nigel starts for the judges, openly admitting he was thinking she was a comedy audition, BUT THEN SHE WASN'T. It was all a bit eyes, tits and teeth, but it was technically adept, so hooray. Charlotte responds that she only acts like a stripper-witch when she gets nervous and that ordinarily she's very professional. I'm sure.</div><div><br /></div><div>Louise follows, saying that she thinks Charlotte is really intelligent (?) but it did sometimes get a bit cheesy. Charlotte then yells "IT'S ONLY WHEN I'M NERVOUS!", showing all her intelligence right there. We then find out why Sisco hates her...it's the fashion darling! Her fishnet arm-bands, her flower...it's all got to GO! Other than that, she's perfect. In a fit of gay abandon, Charlotte hurls off her 80s Madonna armbands, although tragically not the flower, which is really the worst bit. Got to save something to strip off at Callbacks I guess.</div><div><br /></div><div>Brief montage now of Sisco "talking hip-hop" like young "urban" people are exotic and exciting zoo-animals who exist for us to poke with sticks. TALK BLACK FOR US SISCO! Some highlights:</div><div><br /></div><div>"the swag has been off the roof"</div><div><br /></div><div>"you're the truth"</div><div><br /></div><div>"I live for your potential, because I think you're ridiculous" [<span style="font-style: italic;">and if anyone knows ridiculous, it's Sisco - Steve</span>]<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>"I'mma give it props"</div><div><br /></div><div>Cultural tourism at its finest.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thankfully, this montage isn't ENTIRELY (just mostly) for nothing, as it heralds the arrival of hippity-hop dancer (Rithy Pereira, 19, Sao Paolo, Bringing Dappy Back) who is Brazillian and from Brazil. We're shown her leaping about a bunch, before she arrives on the Cat sofa, where Cat drools over her and tells her that she's, like, such a tomboy, but with a really cool vibe, and she's never met a girl who does hip hop really much before so Rithy probably really has to be brave and prove herself, and Rithy is her icon and can Cat be her friend? They can get matching Juicy Couture outfits with their names written on them in Beadazzler! Rithy looks bemused, but flattered. Aw, Cat's in love you guys! With a teenage female Brazillian hip-hop dancer. Who had that in the sweepstake?</div><div><br /></div><div>I am not so in love with Rithy, because she says that she really wants to impress Sisco, because he's such an amazing dancer and choreographer. Yeah, ok...</div><div><br /></div><div>Out she hops, and she proper THROWS DOWN to "I'm A Monster" by The Rangers. It's so odd seeing this style of hip-hop on the UK show, where we get Lizzie doing a sad ballerina clown toy and Tommy being all smiley to the South Bank Show theme tune. This is some hard, aggressive, stuff here. Can't wait til Kate Prince gets hold of her and makes her be a jolly frog on a lily-pad or some rubbish like that. Nigel says "hard-hitting" about a billion times, Arlene rides the edge of embarrassing herself without toppling in, then Sisco gobbles out a load of words and acts like a total sex-pervert again. Rithy is through to Choreography Camp. Where she'll probably share a dressing room with Cat. They can BRAID ONE ANOTHER'S HAIR!</div><div><br /></div><div>Last auditionees of the day are (Andres, 24, Colombia, Adorable) and (Hannah, 19, Bishop Stortsford, Adorable) who are a couple and dance Colombian-style salsa and are dressed like a 1950s ice-cream parlour. She grins that lots of people do salsa, but very few people do it like they do, then they both cross their fingers into the camera like they're hoping the show's going to send them to Disneyland. They are super-cute, and so doomed.</div><div><br /></div><div>Out to the stage they go, where Nigel asks them where they're from. He says "Colombia" and she says she's from England, but is of Colombian stock, so Sisco does some weird gang-hands like an idjit. Everyone ignores him. Nigel then asks what type of dance they're going to do, and the pair of them outline their own brand of salsa, where the legs are fast, the lifts are spectacular, and he occasionally drops her full on her face. Sounds good. Can we get that on Strictly instead of salsambcha please?</div><div><br /></div><div>The music starts, and indeed the salsa is very fast from the waist down, and there is indeed a super-scary lift where she basically forward rolls over his head. Whilst he's standing up. He's obviously better than she is, and she does look a little lost at times, but I'm quite happy watching it. Of course they are a <i>couple </i>and one of them is <i>better than the other</i> and this is a <i>reality show</i> so we all know what's happening next yes? That's right, he's going through to callbacks and she isn't. Andres hems and haws as to whether he wants to go on without his love, and she tells him it's fine and talks him into it, before having the obligatory nervous breakdown outside afterwards, but in the cutest possible way, where she just wants to be in a room by herself and poke voodoo pins in a little Arlene Phillips doll, as "End Of The Road" by Boys II Men tramples all over her VERY REAL FEELINGS on the soundtrack. And who can blame her? Effing Boys II Men.</div><div><br /></div><div>Callbacks Rd II now, as Rihanna wants us to love her like she's a hot pie. The routine is exactly the same as before, and our heroes perform as follows :</div><div><br /></div><div>Charlotte : Partnered with one of life's florid faced eternal younger brothers who slops around awfully, but she sails through obviously, as she was born to Taio. As does he somehow.</div><div><br /></div><div>Andres : Partnered with an angry little skeleton girl with beetroot hair, is alright for about 5 seconds, then collapses utterly without his Hanna. *sniff* He's going home. As is she.</div><div><br /></div><div>Finally some other people who we've never met get sent home, and the posh cherub-faced boy last shown somewhere around dawn (apparently called Matt) is through. He stage-dives off the...erm...stage, and gets his Boris Johnson handshakes all over everyone. Also some other people are through! Hooray!</div><div><br /></div><div>Next week : More auditions, one involving a hanky. Nigel tells Sisco to sod off. Some street dance. Choreography Camp! </div><div><br /></div><div>Steve will be covering all that for you, but for now, I'm off to LIVE IT somewhere else.</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-91589697121373470122010-02-14T19:40:00.000+00:002010-02-15T23:29:02.359+00:00So...You Think Charlie Can Dance. Apparently.<span style="font-weight:bold;">Final - Results: 13th February 2010</span><br /><br /><div>Wow! I never thought they'd do it. After years of trying, finally 2655929 IS the Dream Number. After we finish watching Scott Mills literally twiddling his thumbs for a minute over the credits to the National Lottery (seriously man, take some pride in your work), we're back in the studio, with Cat still in her astroturf, informing us that earlier this evening, the three finalists gave everything, but only one can get the £100,000 prize money, dance in Hollywood, and earn the title "Britain's Favourite Dancer". I think they could probably dance in Hollywood one day Cat regardless. It might be on a street corner until the police move them on, just after they hurl a bottle of Jaegermeister at Fox Studios as they record the finals of the US version, yelling "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! STUPID STAGE SCHOOL BRAT! I CAN GET MY LEG UP OVER MY HEAD! LOOK! S'EASY! STUPID LANGFORD!". But they might still get to dance there. If we believe Kate Prince, the tramps do it, why can't Lizzie?<br /><br />The show proper starts with this group number featuring the Entire Top Fourteen (Minus Robbie) we've heard so much about. It's to a "poppers o'clock" remix of Bad Romance with everyone dressed in white with gold accoutrements, possibly with a cane or seven in there somewhere. Chris is particularly noticeable, with gold frosted tips and his hair and his chest on display. Whose chest HAVEN'T we seen this series? Gavin's and Mark's and I think that's about it (ZOMG ETHNIC CONSPIRACY!) The girls who stand out most costume wise are probably Mandy, who has come as a rejected character from Dead Or Alive, and Anabel (remember her?), who is wearing hotpants wedged so far up her butt-crack they now how Nigel feels this evening in relation to Charlie. (Hi-oh!) It's very manic and clubby, and then at the end the three finalists walk out and... they just walk through the pack and finish. Makes all that whining about "WE HAVE TO LEARN 6 ROUTINES!" seem a bit much. I think even I could have done that. <br /><br />The sad thing is that Charlie is wearing the best costume of them all - a half white and half gold cat-suit. I might have liked to see that on somebody actually dancing you know?<br /><br />As they retreat, Cat compliments them on their strutting and warns us all that there will be a Robbie Williams performance coming up, and after that we'll find out who is Britain's Favourite Dancer. Unaccountably, this is going to take half an hour. Explaining why that might be, here's the section why we ask the judges their opinions. Nigel starts by saying that the person he would have voted for is Charlie, but he'll be happy to take any of the dancers to Hollywood and "expose their talents" to 20 million people.<br /><br />You know, I made fun of a Guardian article on twitter for claiming this show gets "regular audiences of 20 million in America" (the last summer version struggled to hit audiences above 7 million) but it suddenly became very clear who was selling them that particular line of horsecrap.<br /><br />Arlene is then asked who she would pick and she said based on tonight she would have gone for Charlie, but she thinks her dialling finger (*waggles her thumb*) would have been working for all three contestants, because apparently she's one of THOSE people. Who vote for everybody. Despite the fact it makes no difference. Everyone basically points and laughs at Arlene for her stupidity. As it should be. [<i>It's my favourite part of the show. - Steve</i>] Louise next, as Cat lays down the law and demands that she at least hoiks herself off the fence, and after a lot of mush-mouthing, she plumps for Lizzie, because of the table routine. (I'm So Glad To See The Back Of) Sisco finishes, by saying that before the question was asked, he would have said that for technical consistency he would have chosen Tommy and Lizzie, but because of tonight, he's going for Charlie. She blew everyone away apparently. I'm even more glad the judges had no power this week now, not that it would have made any difference.<br /><br />Cat then tells us that it was 5 months ago that the show first asked Britain "So... You Think You Can Dance?" and got the response "who are you? Go away. I've got an alarm." and then went and scoured Britain's stage schools and begged for assistance. As a reminder of this phenomenon that has swept the nation (and put all the chairs up, after everyone had left for the evening) we're getting a recap VT covering the ENTIRE SERIES!<br /><br />Somebody setting the bar very high! Hugo not having his visa! Lots of mentally ill people auditioning, who we didn't see then, so I don't know why we're being subjected to them now! Professor Deckchair! Fabia Cerra! Somebody whose feet were upset! Lots of golden tickets! Choreography Camp! Big Fat Inspiring Ros! Head Judge Tanatha! James Jordan... being James Jordan! Louise Redknapp being selected as a judge at the last possible minute! The creeping dread as we realised that yes (Shut Up) Sisco was going to be there every week! [<i>Don't joke about it. The pain is still fresh. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Mandy falling over in the opening routine! Alistair dressed like a pimped out golfer! Anabel flailing around like a broken Buckaroo and beating the shit out of Drew! "Colin Farrell" letting his partner down via not being loose enough! Yanet & Robbie's Crappy Stargate hip-hop! Bed Dance! Giant Lady! Gavin falling on his arse! Yanet teaching Tommy how to salsa! Cancer Dance! Hayley being a whingy little bint! Mark's baby! Yanet and Sisco being daggers drawn over her being the weakest girl! Drew's cock-phone! Tommy & Charlie's Hot Boxx! Goofy bell-hops! Mandy and Alistair doing the worst routine in the history of dance! Robbie breaking himself! Charlie growing as a woman! Lizzie becoming less shy! Tommy...being Swedish at all times!<br /><br />It's been a hell of series if you condense it down to 180 seconds hasn't it? [<i>Ironic, considering half the complaints about this series from the naysayers was that it was too short to work properly. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />As we return to the studio, Cat points at the eliminated dancers and calls them all reprobates and tells us that we've seen some incredible routines over the course of the series, but the judges have been asked to select their favourite to be performed again this evening, and (PHERRRRRRRR-NOMMM-IN-UWWWWWWWWW!) Sisco is asked what it was. The absence of a giant Stargate in the background tips me off slightly that I'm about to be disappointed. He runs through Lizzie & Mark's Viennese Waltz (eh?) and Cancer Dance, but the judges favourite is... well my favourite as well. It's time for a reprise of BED DANCE!<br /><br />Anyway this has already happened, so there's not a lot to say. I'm sure we've already explained enough why it's amazing. Especially after these past few weeks, I do have to prise Raphael Bonjella Cool for spare and appropriate use of the prop. It might be CALLED Bed Dance, but the actual use of the bed is more of a framing prop than anything else. Also I'm still slightly amazed that the best routine of the whole series features HAYLEY of all people. [<i>What? She was good! - Steve</i>] It's exactly the same as last time, only Drew's had a haircut since (it was overshadowing him slightly) and if anything Hayley shrugs him to the floor a little harder this time.<br /><br />Fun Fact : Lady Gaga wrote this song about her dad telling her had serious heart problems. So many of the best routines this year have been inspired to some degree terminal illness. I don't really know how to feel about that. Maybe make next year's series a bit happier? Maybe some routines about puppies and kittens?<br /><br />Cat calls them over and they thank Rafael for the amazing routine and giving them the chance to dance it on television in front of TWENTY MILLION PEOPLE (/Nigel) before Cat shoos them off and tells them she'll see them at the party afterwards. I GUARANTEE Drew did body-shots off her. Guarantee.<br /><br />HERE COME THE RESULTS (FIRST WAVE!) The three finalists troop out on stage, and Tommy has thankfully now put a vest on. Not that I object to Tommy nakeeness, but it's a bit undignified to get your results like that. Of course before anything happens we have to squeeze the judges dry of every last drop of opinion juice, with them being asked what the finalists major strengths are. (Oh Cock Off) Sisco says that Charlie's major strength is her "journey" (*roll eyes*) [<i>how supportive - your biggest asset is an entirely fabricated reality TV conceit that you have no control over! - Steve</i>], Louise says that Tommy's strength is that he's a pleasure to watch (always helps) and that he dances with conviction, and Arlene says that Lizzie's strength is "being Lizzie". Yeah... ok, get on with it now please.<br /><br />Get on with it they do, with the axe falling on Lizzie first with a swiftness. After tonight I can see why. Her good routine was on first, then she suffered the CURSE OF LATIN, then her solo was a bit pants. Ah well. After the results are announced, there's an embarrassing faff as Lizzie thinks Cat is shooing her, when in fact it's Charlie and Tommy being nudged off so Lizzie can get a decent send-off. This is sadly nothing compared to the last US final, where someone crippled themselves mid-show, and Cat was left stood on an empty stage for at least 2 whole minutes squawking "WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHAT'S GOING ON?". Good times. Arlene is asked to eulogise Lizzie off, and so she does, saying "sod the public and their stupid phones, choreographers and ting will be calling asking for you RIGHT NOW LIZZIE!". But the lines have closed, so their opinions don't count and they will still be charged.<br /><br />Lizzie is asked how she feels, and she says she feels very lucky to have got a different style every week (compare this with Charlie : two jazz, two contemporary, two hip-hop and Tommy : the same but minus contemporary) and she doesn't care what the show might say, she's going to go to America and kick arse anyway! Yay! Giant Lady therapy worked! She said "arse" on national tv! She can do anything now! Off she goes to the eliminee pit, where they all descend on her like zombies in Dawn Of The Dead as she is now ONE OF THEM and officially no better than Gavin.<br /><br />Next, MORE RESULTS! BUT BEFORE THAT! Oh Cat... I thought you might have forgotten then, for one brief sweet moment. Yes, it's the holder of 6 UK number 1s, an outstanding benchmark of 55 million album-sales worldwide, the FERR-NOM-IN-UW Robbie Williams, with the "somehow even worse than Footprints In The Sand" Sports Relief single.<br /><br />OK, I'm sorry I ever complained about Mika. For a start, for all its faults, I can actually remember his stupid "No Scrubs" rip off song now. I guarantee I'm never going to be able to remember this particular sufferance. Also, Robbie is noticeably incredibly out-of-tune throughout. Also, he does that itch-making "talking with the audience" thing throughout, which is quite likable when it's people who are actually enjoying themselves, or connecting with the song, or who want to sing along, but here's he's just picking on somebody who is waving their arms out of time (which I would blame on the song being completely lacking in rhythm or beat or anything at all tangible myself, but hey ho). Oh and half-way through he does some dad dancing, because, like, it's an ironic counterpart to the contestants who can dance, whilst he can't, or something I can't even be bothered to parse out (although that would certainly explain his performance of Angels with Olly on The X Factor Final). Anyway, it's stupid and boring and contains the word "troubador" and YUCK YUCK YUCK! I preferred him when he was on drugs. [<i>He's not still on drugs? God, that just makes that performance even worse in hindsight. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Cat and Robbie LA air-kiss and insincere themselves up forever, and it's his birthday and he's 36, and Cat jiggles around like a 16 year old and gets all ugly and none of this has not one thing to do with the results of this show, the most important of which is about to be announced in...ooh 3 minutes or so.<br /><br />Final VT of the series now (hopefully!). Dancing means the world to Charlie and, despite the fact that she repeatedly referrs to herself in the third person, I still remain one of her few detractors to not dislike her as a person. She seems really nice, I just don't think she's a particularly great dancer. [<i>Yeah, I'd agree with that - a bit overly-earnest, but that's not such a bad thing. And after tonight, I actually don't even dislike her dancing that much, though I still think Lizzie and Tommy were far stronger overall. - Steve</i>] Tommy by comparison is much more stoical. Basically he has a really healthy attitude to the competition, and he sees it as an amazing experience and a great challenge but you can tell from his tone of voice that he wouldn't see it as the worst possible thing in the world if he lost. Which is just as well. Cause (*spoiler*) he's totally about to.</div><br /><div><br />Back to the studio now, and Cat waves the results around obnoxiously whilst Charlie and Tommy hug in the centre of the stage. Once more she goes to the judges for another opinion, this time it being of Nigel saying "oh for God's sake get on with it" before making up some lies about how this is the first time in his extensive reality show history he hasn't known whose name was in Winners Envelope. I'd argue that's because it's impossible to discern who, if any, of these people the public actually like, but hey ho. The results come down and they are...<br /><br />CHARLIE! She bends in half just as the fireworks of victory go off, giving the unfortunate lingering effect that they literally shot out of her ass.( Hey, just like this result did.) Now if they worked THAT into a routine I wouldn't have minded her winning. I must admit I never even once thought of the possibility that anybody other than Tommy might win once Alastair was eliminated so good for her. I guess. I can't help feeling her dancing on the Final of the US version is going to be a bit like when Will Young sang on Idol and they were all "who's this LAMEWAD?"<br /><br />Her family go mental in the audience, and Tommy's very graceful and humble but... that's been his mode the entire series so who knows? Off he shuffles as Charlie is told that she is Britain's Favourite Dancer, and that people have been voting in their billions (/Nigel) for her and that she has won £100,000 dollars to spend on all the Cookie Monster t-shirts she wants. Charlie is at this point, like the best reality tv winners, utterly speechless, snotty, weepy, and incoherent and she fist pumps and mouth-farts through the entire moment. Nigel gets to eulogise her one more time, saying that she and Tommy both grew so much over the course of the series [<i>what, no mentioning of how Lizzie learned not to be shy via Giant Lady Therapy? - Steve</i>], but Charlie just edged it tonight, and he's going to be so glad to take her to America and show her off to everyone. He kind of makes her sound like King Kong.<br /><br />Cat asks Charlie what she's going to remember and her answer is "everything". That's more than I will. We cut to Drew doing a little girly clap for her in the audience and then Cat growls out "That's it, BRITAIN!" sounding really aggressive. And it really is. That's your lot BRITAIN!<br /><br />Thank you for reading, and commenting, and, against all the odds and possibly sanity (on both our parts and theirs) we'll be seeing you again next year hopefully. Along with (*fingers crossed*) Hugo.</div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-19092878540747387542010-02-14T18:28:00.000+00:002010-02-15T23:42:37.586+00:00Four to the floor. Oh, wait: three to the floor<span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Final: 13th February 2010</span><br /><br />Well, folks, here we are - the grand final of <i>So You Think You Can Dance</i>. I'd like to say it's something that the entire nation has been talking about, but to be honest, I don't think that's true. The entire nation may be talking about it, but perhaps in more of an "oh, is that still on?" kind of way. But! For the six of us who are totally invested and do actually care about the result, Chris and I will be bringing you a blow-by-blow account of the final, and I would just like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who've stuck with us throughout the whole process. In particular, I'd like to thank the person who arrived here after googling the phrase "who is that twat sisco". I'm sure we'd have been married in another life. <em>(Make it Mormon - Chris)</em><br /><br />Anyway! After some quickly-cut establishing shots that they filmed for that solitary audition show that we saw, involving people in various stereotypical forms of dress representing different areas of the country, there are the judges, and some shots of last week's eliminees, as Cat reminds us that tonight is the grand final. We see brief snippets of the journey here, most of which we saw in equally brief snippets during the aforementioned standalone audition programme, including the much-missed Tanatha. Come back for season two, Tanatha! You've totally got our support! (Which means you'll be in the bottom two repeatedly, but hey, it's still support, right?) Anyway, over shots of the TOP 14 STARS, Cat informs us that the country's best dancers (and Gavin) made it to the live shows. We see clips of Drew and Hayley's Bed Dance, which doesn't, as you might think, segue into assorted other highlights from the series, but instead into the faces of (deep breath) Chris, Anabel, Gavin, Chloe, Mark, Hayley, Yanet, Drew, Mandy and Alastair as they were eliminated. SHOOGANOOGABOOGADANCE! However, Cat tells us excitedly, the past seven days have still been very exciting for the remaining finalists - particularly for Robbie, who we all know by now has fucked his shoulder up and thus eliminated himself. I'm not sure that's "exciting" for him so much as it's probably "gut-wrenchingly frustrating", but hey, maybe that's why no one asks me to do voiceovers. Well, that and the fact that I still have a bit of a lisp when I'm nervous. "It's over," a tearful Robbie tells us, while standing outside a posh-looking medical centre with his arm in a sling, just so we're really clear on this one. <em>(He broke up with his unsupportive doctor boyfriend and it went BAD. That's what I got from that - Chris) </em>So now there are three finalists: "this is the final," Charlie tells us unnecessarily. "There's only going to be one winner," Tommy says, equally unnecessarily (although I daresay there are still a few people out there who thought perhaps we might be voting for one male winner and one female winner, so I guess I'll allow it). "Everything comes down to this," says Lizzie generally, and boy howdy, are we about to see just how true that is. So, who deserves to be crowned Britain's favourite dancer? That's what Cat's wondering. Tonight, we'll get to decide. Except I was out at a party, so my opinion was not taken into account. <em>(Didn't stop you with Jade on Strictly - Chris)</em> Still, that's what I get for having outside interests. This! Is <i>So You Think You Can Dance!</i><br /><br />Titles, for the last time this series, so that calls for one final, very heartfelt SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!<br /><br />Someone is so excited to be here for the final that she literally stands up from her seat and turns her back to the stage, just so she can wave to the introductory panning camera shot. Calm down, dear. This is the final of a minority interest show about dancing. You'd reach a much wider audience waiting a few months and doing that on <i>Britain's Got Talent</i>. Even better: just sit there and roll your eyes at someone with bad hair who's about to reveal a reasonably good singing voice - you'll get a close-up and everything. Anyway, there's no all-dancing intro tonight, perhaps because you can't do "these are the boys!" when you only have one boy left in the competition, and perhaps also because they've already got seventy billion costume changes ahead of them tonight, and the producers felt it wise not to muddy the waters any further. Cat strides out, looking tall and wonderfully Amazonian as usual in a sequinned green dress, though her hair's a bit flat, and her make-up artist has been a little over-enthusiastic with the rouge on her cheekbones, which makes her look a little bit like an eccentric auntie. Still, she'd be an awesome eccentric auntie, wouldn't she? <em>(I thought she looked she'd been rolled up in turf and blasted with the make-up gun set to "Aunt Sally". Worst she's EVER looked - Chris)</em><br /><br />Cat praises the audience as usual, and then gets straight down to business, by saying "we knew that anything could happen on this show - and it has." I'm not saying this is an untrue or unfair statement, but...try and find me a show that a statement that vague <i>couldn't</i> be applied to. Still, it's all leading into a VT telling us stuff that we basically already found out from the pre-titles VT, so quite what the need is for Cat to be so coy, I'm not entirely sure. In the VT, we see Robbie and Tommy rehearsing their hip-hop routine (which will be performed later in tonight's show by Tommy and Mark), and things are going fine until Robbie spins and lands on his shoulder, immediately grabbing hold of it and crying out in pain. FutureVTRobbie describes it as "instant, blinding pain". Tommy helps him up and summons a medic, telling us that a dislocated shoulder is a terrible thing, and the final is a really bad time to get it. I know this is BBC One light entertainment and everything, but I think we could've all quite happily reached that conclusion by ourselves. Standing in a hospital corridor somewhere, Robbie quietly talks to the cameras about how this is a pivotal moment in his dancing career, and earns my respect for remaining fairly level-headed and not getting all <a href="http://bitchingonice.blogspot.com/2008/01/under-and-out.html">Michael Underwood</a> about it. <em>(TYPICAL! TYPICAL! (ROFL!) - Chris)</em> There are shots of Robbie lying on a gurney with his arm in a sling and his eyes closed and looking...kind of dead. Eek. The VT ends with the shot we saw earlier of him standing outside the clinic, and saying sadly "it's over". And man, I wish I weren't quite so sleep-deprived today because I'm welling up already, and this is really not the start I need.<br /><br />So Robbie's in the studio with Cat now, still bandaged up. "Some people will do anything for votes," quips Cat, and I like that she's bringing a touch of gallows humour to the proceedings, because Lord knows on <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.com/">certain other shows</a> you'd never be allowed to pretend that a contestant self-eliminating due to injury was anything less than an event of national tragedy. Cat asks Robbie what's going on, and Robbie explains that that it's dislocated very badly, and while his shoulder is painful, it's not as painful as having to pull out of the competition. And while that is a little bit trite-sounding, it did disqualify him from <i>the final</i>, so I'm willing to let it pass. Cat says as much, that having made it this far, he can "touch it, taste it, feel it",<em>(they didn't mention THAT in the prize package - Chris)</em> make it, who do you think you are? Robbie says that he's devastated, but he won't forget how lucky he was to be there in the first place. He thanks everyone who supported him and allowed him to get that far <em>(and made sausages in the shape of his name - Chris)</em>, and says that he'll try to dance as much as he can for the rest of his life to make up for tonight. Awww.<br /><br />Nigel's hair is still BIZARRE, and he says Robbie's situation is terrible: "it's like being an Olympic athlete, and just before you get into the games, you've trained for four years, and you can't make it." It's not <i>quite</i> like that, Nigel. No one had even auditioned for this show this time last year. However, and this is why I love Nigel, he follows it by saying: "I have to say, it's wonderful drama for a reality show, though." Hee! I love how there's no artifice with him, he's quite happy to sit there and go "yep, this does well for ratings, so I'm happy." He consoles Robbie with the knowledge that he's a brilliant dancer with a fantastic future ahead, and Cat wishes him a speedy recovery on behalf of the show, and with a final round of whooping from the audience, Robbie is gone.<br /><br />Cat counts off the remaining finalists on her fingers and explains once more what they're all competing for tonight. She also reminds us that the judges have lost their power, and asks Arlene how that feels. Arlene: "We've relinquished everything that we thought we had." I'm assuming this includes dress sense, perspective, and bowel control. Anyway, it's now down to the public to decide who they want to "shower in stardust", as Arlene puts it. Cat says that there can only be one winner, and someone in the audience shouts a name - I can't make it out, and it doesn't sound like any of the finalists, but Cat giggles and shouts back that it was "more of a hiccup than a name". Again, I don't get why people have been knocking Cat on this show - I love how she's just so relaxed and assured with her role on it that little things like that don't bother her, whereas Dermot O'Leary still can't adequately fill the slot between the two sing-offs on <i>The X Factor</i> after three years in the job. Cat promises that while we've lost Robbie the dancer, we've got another Robbie to replace him: bloated borewhore Robbie Williams, who'll be here later in the part of the show that I don't have to recap, thankfully.<br /><br />Finally, it's time for some dancing: Charlie, Lizzie and Tommy are dancing a hip-hop routine to 'I Gotta Feeling' by the Black Eyed Peas, which seems to have been inspired by the film <em>Mannequin (/that awesome Sophie Elis Bextor video - Chris)</em> - Tommy is a poorly-dressed boy walking down a grimy street, while Charlie and Lizzie are hookerish dummies in a shop window. It starts slowly, with a bit of business as Tommy pantomimes the moves that Lizzie and Charlie make behind the glass, and then - awesomely - Lizzie and Charlie smash the glass and sass their way through it. Well, I say "awesomely" - it's pretty fantastic, and one of the two moments in tonight's show that genuinely gave me a giddy thrill, but I couldn't help noticing that Charlie's pane doesn't really shatter properly. Poor Charlie - even her glass-smashing lacks technical finesse. Anyway, it's not entirely unexpected, given that hip-hop is Tommy and Lizzie's discipline of speciality, but Charlie does struggle to keep up in this number - she's noticeably a few beats behind them at several points, and just doesn't have the dynamism that the other two have, but credit where it's due, she's a lot better than I thought she would be, and really does come surprisingly close to matching them. It's also nice to have a really strong hip hop routine on this show that's being well-danced to boot - apparently Frank Gatson was responsible to this, which definitely makes up for that mess he choreographed for Charlie and Tommy in week two. Oh, and there's no Kate Prince anywhere in sight tonight, I'm sure you'll be relieved to hear. Anyway, it's a good scene-setter for tonight, and suggests we've actually got some genuinely exciting stuff coming up. Whether the rest of the night delivers on that promise, I'll leave it to you to decide.<br /><br />A VT plays with the contestants' numbers on it, though the lines are not yet open: poor Lizzie begins her run of misfortune tonight when her VT involves an alarming close-up on her face that shows every pockmark on her skin (and I'm not even watching in HD) and genuinely makes her look slightly terrifying. Tommy looks cute in his, though his weird teeth are kind of prominent. And Charlie just has that eerie stage-school glare of intensity in hers, though I'd say she looks the most normal of the three of them. I'm marking relatively here, obviously. <em>(She looked like a Who from Whoville - Chris)</em><br /><br />Cat explains that each of the finalists will be dancing as couples tonight, and Lizzie and Tommy are the first two to pair up. We get a Tommy-intensive VT to lead into it, in which Tommy reminds us that he is an adrenaline junkie, and we see his first audition, back in the good old days when Sisco was just some gonk in a stupid hat and not the bane of my existence. We see him getting good feedback from Nigel and Arlene, and he confesses that week three was the first time he took on a style that he'd never done before (which was his salsa with Yanet, wherein the CURSE OF LATIN landed him in the bottom four). He says that he felt very lonely when the public didn't support him with that, which is unusual for him because he's on his own a lot. Because his <em>(awesome - Chris) </em>sister is in Sweden. Except when she is here! Doing surprise visits and being supportive, as she is now. Then there's a clip of his amazing Broadway performance with Mandy, and Sisco asking Tommy precisely what it is that he can't do. I'm assuming "slap Sisco" is one of the items on that list, sadly. Tommy says that he wants to win the show for everyone who's supported him, and that he can become Britain's favourite dancer.<br /><br />Big close-up on Tommy's sister, as Cat introduces their dance, a jazz number to 'Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)' in which they appear to be acting out a deleted scene from <i>Working Girl</i>, which requires Lizzie to wear a hideously unflattering jumpsuit. It's a pleasingly energetic routine, particularly on Tommy's side as he keeps vaulting over Lizzie and/or the table. There's one high lift which seems to go very slightly wrong, as Lizzie seems to overbalance at the apex, but they recover fairly quickly. There's also another awesome move in which Tommy leaps onto the table, supports himself on just his hands and raises his legs up at a 45-degree angle and just holds them there, which hurts me just to look at it. It's a well-danced routine by both of them, but I think he outshines her on the whole.<br /><br />Nigel quickly avoids any controversy by telling Cat that she'll remember this routine from season three of the show in America, where it debuted <em>(avoids controversy except via the fact that we're sudenly announcing this about a routine that didn't involve Charlie *strokes conspiracy beard* - Chris)</em> - it was choreographed by Mandy Moore (no, not <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandy_Moore">that one</a>) and got her an Emmy nomination. It was also <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcs3VcMV2p4">danced</a> by Sabra, who went on to win the competition, trivia fans. I know some people aren't thrilled at the number of recycled routines we've been getting, but frankly, anything that gets Mandy Moore on our version is fine with me. <em>(She has choreographed routines to both "Alone" by Heart and "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar. I can hear Steve's excitement from here - Chris) </em>I wonder if we'll be getting NappyTabs next year? (<em>Aw HAYULL no - Chris) </em>Anyway, Nigel says that she's extended it for this version, and that the routine is better for it. Also (and this is getting rather old meme now), that two contemporary dancers did it originally, whereas "you are hip-hop and a breakdancer - you haven't done this style, as such, before." That's because poor Lizzie ends up having to learn a new discipline every week, unlike some I could mention. Nigel commends them for their storytelling, and for Tommy's plange (fnar) where he suspended his legs in mid-air. He says that they've set a target for everybody else - i.e. Charlie. Arlene says they can both dance, that's a given, but the acting was feisty, fiery and fierce. She then turns to Lizzie and points her finger, and for a second I think that, given the number of business metaphors Arlene's been spewing in the last ten seconds, she's about to say "you're fired", but instead she calls Lizzie a dancer, a goddess, and a star. Louise is pleased to see them both in the final and compliments them both on their timing and precision, and she can see both of them capable of being crowned Britain's favourite dancer. And finally, Who Is That Twat Sisco says it was a fantastic opening to the show, and gives us our first "phenomenal" of the night. The first of many, I assure you.<br /><br />Tonight's running order is a bit off, because Lizzie's now got to do an extremely quick change before coming back to dance with Charlie, but not before we see that scary voting numbers VT again. Once we've defeated the end of level boss in Scary Closeup Land, Cat tells us that we're going to get to see our girls perform together, and rings the "Lizzie is very shy" bell again. In her VT, Lizzie admits to having been petrified at the auditions because so many people were there. However, she just put her nerves behind her, and got a golden ticket from Arlene for her troubles. She admits that because she was up against dancers from all across the country, that she knew she was in for a massive challenge. We see Tramp Dance briefly again, and Arlene overuses the word "unique" beyond all recognition. She feared having to wear heels and a dress for the Viennese waltz, but still managed to be awesome during it, and set off Nigel's "street dancers excelling at ballroom" lightbulb above his head. That gave her a boost of confidence, which was subsequently eroded by Giant Lady bellowing in Lizzie's face that she'd need to thrust her tits at Drew good and proper (and as much as I love Giant Lady, I really wish we could've relived their getting-to-know-you playdate here, because that was awesome). Disco gave her confidence again some more, then she went back to visit the adorable moppets in her class (and props to this show for portraying teaching as a valid career choice and something that can be hugely defining for the kids, unlike on <i>X Factor</i> where it's just something Bellowing Beverley does until she's vaguely famous enough to tell the kids to fuck off and educate themselves). Lizzie thought that this competition was about dancing, <a href="http://bitchingonice.blogspot.com/">ON ICE</a>. Oops, wrong show. But she now realises it's about growth and self-belief, and hating Sisco. <em>(much like life - Chris)</em><br /><br />Lizzie and Charlie take on their Broadway routine, to the movie version of 'All That Jazz' from <i>Chicago</i>, starring as bloodthirsty chorines - is it too easy a joke to suggest this part requires no acting from Charlie? It is? Tough, I'm going to say it anyway. It's great to see two girls dancing a number together, though for some reason Charlie and Lizzie don't quite gel as a duo for me. Too different, I suppose. It's a minor gripe, anyway. There's some lovely synchronisation between them in the early stages, though it gets a little sloppy midway as the music kicks up a notch and they start running on adrenaline. They're pretty evenly matched, which is nice, but Charlie's wider breadth of experience in this genre puts her ahead of Lizzie, just about - Lizzie still looks slightly nervous throughout, but Charlie's giving it some proper West End sass.<br /><br />Afterwards, Cat calls them "two completely different women" (well spotted, Cat), and leads them into the lions' den once more. Except the judges aren't really lions. Meerkats, perhaps. <em>(bobcats-Chris) </em>Arlene is briefly praising of Lizzie before exclaiming that if this was Oscar night, Charlie would've swept the board. Unless that was "swept the boards", and she would in fact have been removing Meryl Streep's footprints at 3am once the ceremony was over and the champagne had run out. Louise points out that they've chosen difficult careers and therefore have to love it to survive, and says that this was Charlie's moment, while Lizzie danced with an edge and was "personable". Sisco was looking forward to this one "because you have hip-hop and musical theatre/jazz merging together", and thinks that "cheeky Charlie" (ugh) gave a mature performance. I didn't really see "mature" in there, but okay. Lizzie on the other hand, was "LIVING! <b>LIVING!</b>" Well, of all the digital channels to be, that's a pretty good one. Better than Granada Men and Motors, anyway. Nigel wanted them in the parts of Roxie and Velma in <i>Chicago</i>, and thought they proved their worth as "Britain's favourite girl dancers", an accolade right up there with "Britain's favourite Labour MPs", I shouldn't wonder. Cat compliments the girls on their sparkles and promises more from them later.<br /><br />After a reminder that Robbie is ill and thus the three most recent male eliminees will return to substitute for him later, Cat leads into Charlie's VT, describing how Charlie is basically a dancing foetus and everyone thought she was too young for the competition. Dudes, she's 19, not 9. VT Charlie says that it feels like a different girl auditioned for the show, because (say it with me now) she never stood out at auditions and her confidence had gone. This is after, what? Maybe three years on the audition circuit, if that. Cry me a dripping river, princess. I spent that long trying to get <i>any</i> job where I couldn't be replaced at any given moment with a well-trained hamster. Luckily the judges saved Charlie from the horrors of looking for a "real job", though she was criticised in the early shows for being a bit stage school, in much the same way as Tommy was criticised for being "a bit Swedish". Charlie wants to come across as a woman, despite being the youngest, and then she got Cancer Dance. "It was my time," says Charlie, sagely. Well, in that case, it was brave of her to wear such revealing underwear. Oh, sorry: "it was my time...to turn around and go 'there's no way you can tell me I'm a little girl now.'" Instantly, she became a woman and Sisco became a quivering wreck. Well, more so. Now she's in the final, and she wants to win - "I'm going for this, big time."<br /><br />Her piece with Tommy is a tango (looks to me like it is specifically an Argentine tango) to 'El Tango De Roxanne' from <em>Moulin Rouge (as sung by Animal from The Muppets - Chris)</em>, and they're on chairs, which are being masterfully controlled by Tommy. It's actually very nicely controlled from both of them, and for all my griping in recent weeks about Charlie never finishing her moves properly, she's pretty sharp in this one. If I have one complaint with the routine, it suffers a bit from Gatsonitis: it shows off Charlie at the expense of Tommy, who doesn't get to do much other than be a very supportive partner.<br /><br />Cat talks excitedly about bordellos while Katya And Her Attractive Professional Partner Klaus, applaud in the audience. Nigel is alarmed by the disappearance of Cheeky Charlie and her replacement with some temptress in a red dress. He praises the choreography and the chemistry, before saying he would've liked Tommy to get a bit more angry with it. Well, we saw where that got him when he tried it with Frank, so I can understand why he'd opt for just gritting his teeth. I wonder if anyone's ever tried getting angry with Giant Lady? I'd pay double the licence fee if they can promise me that in series two. By contrast, Nigel thought Charlie's face showed she was really feeling it: "young lady, you shouldn't be going to places like that!" Nigel, she's 19. <em>(and it's a BAR - woooooooooooo - Chris)</em> She's allowed to <i>work</i> at Places Like That if she wants to. He says that they're being pushed in all different directions - first the Broadway routine with Giant Lady, and now this, and the diversity of the routines is showing how hard all the contestants are working. He thinks Charlie's "eased into the front" for him. <em>(I would speculate she let him "ease into her...*libel deleted* - Chris) </em>Arlene thought it was full of "love, lust and longing", and basically didn't pay any attention to Tommy at all. Poor Tommy. Louise thought they did well to make themselves bigger than the terrifying music, and tells Charlie she's getting sexier, "so I'm pleased it's the final because I don't know what's going to happen." Hee! She then gives Tommy some long overdue praise for being so strong and "holding it together". Cat, earning her wages in a way that Tess Daly can only dream of, reminds us that even in a dance that showcases the female, she needs a strong and reliable male there to stand any chance of making it work, <em>(normally I'd agree but Daly? Miss an opportunity to talk about how much harder it is for the men? No. - Chris)</em> and Louise says that it's testament to Tommy's ability that Charlie was obviously so comfortable with him. Sisco, surprisingly useful for once, offers Tommy more credit for being the most consistent dancer on the show, never offering a duff performance. "And your sister's here tonight too!" Cat non-sequiturs.<br /><br />With all three finalists having performed twice, Cat declares the phone lines open for 30 short minutes. (Yes, a minute can vary in length - you've obviously never travelled on the London Underground.) Time for the return of the prodigal sons to take the place of Injured Robbie - first up, Alastair's here to assist Lizzie. In her second VT of the night, Lizzie talks about being in danger for the very first time last week, and how scary that was. Backstage, Arlene counsels her to believe in her head that she is a winner. Lizzie storylines that she has six routines to learn this week: jazz with Tommy, Broadway with Charlie, samba with Alastair, the pop-jazz group number, and also a group number with the entire Top 14 (and I'll let Chris explain why that one is a bit of a red herring in his recap), and her solo, which involves a lot of spinning on her head. Lizzie is always rehearsing, either in her mind or in her body, she tells us. Her next routine is her samba with Alastair, which is both the CURSE OF LATIN, and the curse of...being partnered with Alastair who, while arguably lovely, is not the most versatile dancer to have graced this competition. He's excited to be back, anyway, and Lizzie hopes they'll have a good connection because he's pretty. I believe that's the exact same way the <i>Hollyoaks</i> casting people check their leads for chemistry. <em>(They do what now? - Chris)</em><br /><br />Their samba is to 'Magalehña' by Sergio Mendes <em>(BESTEST. SONG. EVER - Chris)</em>, and it opens with some lifts which are rather shakily supported by Alastair (backing up Cat and Louise's earlier point about the importance of strong, supportive male dancers even when a dance is designed as a female showcase), though once it gets going there's lots of shimmying and I think Lizzie is making an impressive fist of it despite it not being her discipline, once again. It's perhaps a little rough around the edges, but assuming we're just evaluating the actual competing dancer, it's one of the better Latin performances from this series. Louise loves Lizzie, but thought that performance lacked "dirt and passion". I swear, the first time I heard her comments, I could've sworn Louise said "it was good, but it was just a bit shite", though repeated rewatching has proven that she said "just a bit <i>shy</i> and a bit English." <em>(JOURNEY FAIL - Chris) </em>Damn you, random glottal stops! Louise wishes Lizzie good luck for the night, and then Sisco disagrees, and says that while Alastair did a great job, he wasn't giving her anything to generate chemistry with. He tells Lizzie that she was doing a one-woman show, and then barks out "LIVING! <b>LIVING!</b>" again, making me wonder if he's got some kind of product placement deal with Virgin Media Television. <em>(Or sofa manufcaturers. I appear to have just punched a hole in mine - Chris)</em> He can't believe it's the same shy girl, now in her two-piece. Nigel agrees with them both, somehow, saying that it was a one-woman show, but that's no bad thing, and thinks he's seen better chemistry between her and Alastair and basically that he always thought they were fucking - except the only other time they <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2010/01/weak-in-presence-of-snooty.html">danced together</a>, he said he didn't believe they were in love with each other. This seems like a very odd time to be trying to develop a showmance, especially such an internally inconsistent one. However, Nigel appreciates the difficulties they've had with the last-minute substitution, and he thinks that she's done a fantastic job considering what's been asked of her tonight, though this routine was not her best. Arlene says that while they may have been doing "some very special practising" (and I am SO calling it that from now on), but she doesn't care, because she's amazed at how Lizzie picked up the complicated samba footwork in such a short amount of time. "Phenomenal!" count: approximately one billion. Cat asks Lizzie what the kids she taught make of her being in the final, and Lizzie says that they've always seen her as a hip-hop teacher, so to see her doing different styles has been amazing for them. That is assuming they weren't just all going "SQUEEEEE! ALASTAIR!" like they did when she went back to see them.<br /><br />Cat accuses Nigel and Arlene of being "stirrers" and then Nigel and Arlene make sexyfaces at each other, and it's all very disturbing, so I'm not going to go into any more detail on that one.<br /><br />Next up are Tommy and Mark: in his VT, Tommy says that it's been a tough week and his body's more tired than one of Arlene's similes, while his mind is more frazzled than Sisco's hair. He's very excited that he now gets to do his hip hop routine with Mark, because they've wanted to work together in their shared discipline, and now they finally have the opportunity to do so. Wooo! Bromance! Tommy can't wait to get on stage and nail it. The routine. Obviously!<br /><br />It's to 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger' by Daft Punk and they spend a good quarter of it standing in front of screens on opposite sides of the stage from each other, miming the sliding of stuff. It's probably the most eye-catching routine of the night, though for my personal tastes, it's a little over-choreographed in places - they're trying to shoehorn so many moves in so quickly that you can't really see any of it individually, and that annoys me when I'm trying to evaluate if they're doing it well or not. Nonetheless, it's frenetic and engaging and ends with them clotheslining each other and knocking themselves out, so how can you not love that? It's definitely lucky for Tommy that Robbie was injured though, because no way could Robbie have kept up with him in that one as effortlessly as Mark did. <em>(I thought Mark out-danced him quite significantly. Might have been better to have someone he could out-shine. Although the possibility of Robbie decapitating him with one of his limbs probably balances it out - Chris)</em> Choreographer Simeon Qsyea applauds, and Cat says it must have been fun for Tommy: it was. Nigel love Tommy's warmth (ooer), but feels like he needs another persona, because he's been Tommy in every number: it might be enough because his dancing is superb, but presumably he needs to grow and simultaneously be both CHEEKY and also A WOMAN like Charlie has been tonight. Nigel also worries that at time his attention was drawn more to Mark than to Tommy, but he's thrilled to have seen popping done properly on the show. As opposed to when he saw Drew backstage, when he just saw poppers being done properly. Kidding! I love you really, Drew. Call me! Arlene thought it was "like the Winter Olympics and you were heading for the downhill slalom or something." Who in the what now? She calls him a master of "this old-school style" and literally bows to him. Louise was pleased to see two of the UK's best hip-hop dancers on the stage. Sisco was pleased to see it all being done properly, both old-school and new-school, and that the floor work was floorless. Er, flawless.<br /><br />Next up is Charlie and DREW! YAAAAAAY DREW! God, I've missed him and his general aura of awesomeness. In her VT, we revisit Charlie's confidence boost from making the final, and she's determined to make it a great show. Like Lizzie and Tommy before her, she cops to being basically knackered, and even talks us through her new collection of blisters. Heh. She's dancing a lyrical (ie. contemporary) piece with Drew, who arrives complete with fetching new haircut, and they're both excited to be working together again, even though the last time they worked together, he was eliminated and she had her only visit to the bottom four. Drew thinks their duet is going to show Charlie at her very best, and Charlie says very seriously that she hopes this lyrical routine is as good as her first. You might even say she's as serious as cancer (when she says rhythm is a dancer).<br /><br />They're dancing to 'I Surrender' by Celine Dion (with choreography courtesy of Mandy Moore), and honestly, I'm just floored by this routine - it's tricky stuff that they've been given, requiring a hell of a lot of confidence and control and trust, and they're just breathtaking together. There's a particular bit that Chris and I both loved where Drew scurries across the stage to ready himself for Charlie to jump into a lift, and you just see the tiniest nod of his head as he's coaxing her on (which made us both scream "BRING IT, BITCH!" in our position as instantaneous dance-to-English translators) and the resulting lift is epic indeed. Drew and his awesome new hair wave goodbye sunnily, and Cat is impressed that Charlie has been walking on air. Arlene thinks Charlie is an inspiration to any little girl who wants to dance, and she squeezed so much passion into that routine. She is, in fact, touched by what Charlie has done. Louise says that dancing is about connecting with your audience, and Charlie captivated her tonight - she's grown as a dancer AND AS A WOMAN, and is now the whole package. Then Sisco reverts to type after his brief flirtation with being useful, just sighing the name of the contestant he's judging repeatedly in an awestruck sort of way and taking ages to say anything beyond that. In fact, he doesn't really say anything other than thanking Mandy for her choreography, though he does call it the best routine of the night. Charlie says that their comments have made her night. Nigel says that Drew was brilliant in it (DARN TOOTIN'), but Charlie had to raise her standard to meet Mandy's choreography, which she did. He's also pleased to be able to go back to America when Mandy rehashes this routine for season 7 (presumably) and say that this one was originally done in the UK by two amazing dancers. Sisco screams "UK!" and pumps his arms obnoxiously. Nigel closes by saying he doesn't care if people think he's biased - Charlie's just the best, okay?!?!!?!<br /><br />After all those couple dances, it's solo time! Lizzie's up first: her solo to Rihanna's 'Don't Stop The Music' is a bit of a let-down, at least in terms of the awesome solos Lizzie has delivered before. It's fine, but unexceptional, I imagine because she's had so much other stuff to work on this week that this has probably had to take a back seat. Her head spin doesn't quite seem to get up the necessary spin, and lands rather awkwardly. Louise says that it's not a one-horse race, because Lizzie delivers exciting and unique solos every week, and she loves watching her. "Let's hear it for it's Lizzie!" says Cat, as Lizzie vanishes.<br /><br />Next, Tommy is shirtless and wearing oddly proportioned trousers, dancing to 'Cry Me A River', proving once more how scarily flexible he is, and doing a somersault that looks like Liu Kang's death blow in <i>Mortal Kombat</i>. Arlene busts out a couple more "phenomenals" for good measure and expresses her appreciation of Shirtless Tommy. Cat warns Nigel not to follow suit, and reads Tommy's phone number out for the viewing masses. Someone in the audience screams "I want your babies!" (maybe it was Natasha Bedingfield) and Cat's mock-appalled: "He's only taken his shirt off! Easy!" Heh.<br /><br />Charlie's solo to 'Livin' La Vida Loca' finishes things off, and is more of the gymnastic, stretch, splits stuff that all of her solos revolve around, but it's executed well enough. She finishes with the splits, and just in case we were in any doubt that she's a woman now, we've all seen her vagina and have all the evidence we need. Nigel has nothing more to say to Charlie, so he lines up Arlene instead. Arlene says it was "one of your best, it wasn't necessarily your best" -- what?? Seriously: what?? Are these really the refined expert opinions we were so afraid to lose from <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i>? Nonetheless, Arlene thinks what Charlie has done tonight is "mega", and possibly also "rad" and "wicked".<br /><br />And that's it! All that remains is the video recap, and as always, it feels somewhat redundant to recap the recap, so I'll skip over that. Cat urges us to vote, and Nigel says that the dancers have all been inspirational, particularly to the people who are debating taking part in series two, plug plug, for which auditions will apparently be happening soon. Arlene thinks it was like a "pick 'n' mix" tonight with all the choice, and it comes down to whether you like the pear drops or the lemon drops, but she thinks it's a battle of the girls, and Lizzie may have won it with her acting in 'Sweet Dreams'. Louise agrees with that, but also cites Charlie in the lyrical, and Sisco thinks the "hip hop was representin'". Time for a final VT as they beg for votes: Nigel claims they'll never get the opportunity to dance in America again (I find that claim somewhat dubious), Tommy thinks dancing in Hollywood is every dancer's dream <em>(I think Drew had some dreams that beg to differ. About Alastair - Chris) </em>, Lizzie would love to go over there and work with some of the best choreographers in the world <em>(yeah, they'll be LINING UP AROUND THE BLOCK - Chris)</em>, and Charlie thinks it would be "mind-blowing" <em>(we can but hope - Chris)</em>. Tommy thinks he can win because he's put everything he's got into the competition. Charlie came here to win, and therefore presumably not to make friends. Lizzie, meanwhile, has never won anything in her life, so winning would prove to her that it's all been worth it.<br /><br />Cat teases the delights coming up in the second half, and also Robbie Williams. Cat declares the phone lines closed, and the top three will discover their fates after Scott Mills reads out some numbers. Ooh!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-38640777217427831082010-02-07T17:55:00.000+00:002010-02-08T21:51:44.412+00:00Mañana Montanez<div><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Top 6 Results: 6th February 2010</span><br /><br />Cat's looking very serious (or at least what passes for looking very serious in the field of light entertainment) as she informs us that there are six dancers competing for four slots to have a shot at one prize. We've all had our say, the lines have been closed and the votes counted, and we're about to find out who we've left at the mercy of the judges. The dream is over for one girl and one guy, but who they? Titles!<br /><br />SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!<br /><br />We come in to a deleted scene from <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">Working Girl 2: Working Girls</span>, the little known straight-to-DVD 2004 sequel starring Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. Mandy, Charlie and Lizzie are in skirt suits and answering telephones (and I feel it necessary at this point to clarify that none of these phones are situated <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com/2010/01/weak-in-presence-of-snooty.html">in their pants</a>), while Tommy, Alastair and Robbie lurk behind them carrying briefcases. A remix of 'Big Spender' plays as the girls roll around in a pre-watershed version of "sexually aroused", while the boys apparently ply them with trinkets. A furiously-applauded solo spot in the middle involves Charlie sticking her leg right up in the air again, as though we're supposed to still be surprised that she can do this. It goes on for about eleventy billion years, and then the girls relieve the boys of their jackets, and then pull their trousers down so that we can see they're all wearing matching red boxer shorts. Regrettably, there is not then a brief breakdown in which Tommy chastises the other two for not following the plan they'd set out weeks ago about running their underwear choices past each other before the show started. <em>(Hey, several of pairs of Alistair's pants went missing after Yannet and Drew were eliminated. They're working with what they've got left - Chris)</em> Anyway, the boys end up on the floor while the girls pose over them holding briefcases and waving their new jewellery while money falls from the ceiling, and this is why female emancipation is a bad thing. I'm kidding! Maybe.<br /><br />Cat enters and invokes applause for the routine and Giant Lady, who choreographed it. She tells the dancers well done, and then advises them to go backstage and put some trousers on, since the lines are now closed and it's too late for their pant-displaying state to benefit them. She may not have said that last bit. Cat then tells us that the results are imminent, as is a performance from Leona Lewis. She also points out that this is the last time the judges can save people from danger because next week is the final. To be honest, the judges should have lost their save power weeks ago, but I guess I should be glad they're letting go of it at all, rather than sitting there on finale night and saying "fuck the public vote, we declare Charlie the winner", which would not really be the best way to reward the 300 people who are still watching. <em>(I'd LOL - Chris)</em><br /><br />The judges are reintroduced, and nobody has taken advantage of the hour the show was off the air to sort Nigel's hair out. What exactly do we pay our licence fee for, if not that? Time for a reminder of what happened earlier, viz: Arlene loved Lizzie and Robbie's vaudeville-style Broadway routine, and they were too busy getting changed for their next routine to celebrate. Mandy and Alastair ripped off Bed Dance, and she was good and he was not, and Sisco liked it a lot, and backstage Mandy said that it was the best they'd ever done it. Tommy danced with his shirt off and gave Louise the vapours, while Nigel thought they rose to the challenge. Lizzie and Robbie's hip hop routine got less enthusiastic reviews, but was still well-received in the broad sense. Alastair and Mandy's paso doble was considered a hot mess by just about everyone, and backstage Alastair felt like he'd let Mandy down, which he sort of had, because he wasn't very good <em>(And he sort of hadn't, because she sucked as hard as he did-Chris)</em>. Charlie and Tommy finished things off with a bonkers quickstep by Karen Hardy, which they got a great reception for and squealed about backstage. Louise doesn't know how they'll decide who to send home. Nigel thinks that they really need to impress the public. Sisco thinks that not all the routines were successful, but everyone "gave it 110%" (cock), <em>(If Alistair had given 110% cock he might still be there...-Chris)</em> and Arlene was apparently too busy sticking pins in an Alesha Dixon voodoo doll to comment.<br /><br />Time for another VT, this time telling us all how much the competition means to everyone. Lizzie says that it's helped her to grow both as a person and as a performer - she never thought she'd get here, but now she's here, she'd love to make it to the finals. Charlie also never thought she would be here "at 19 years of age" (fuck off) and really wants to prove herself to the public. Mandy's husband has been very supportive, and she thinks that being in the final would prove that all of the hard work she's done in her entire life was worth it. <em>(Calm down dear - Chris/the nation)</em><br /><br />Three beautiful girls stand before her, but Cat only has two photos in her hands. Oops, wrong show. Anyway, she congratulates them all for making it this far, but warns them that two people will be in danger tonight. Mandy got called a "true survivor" by Sisco, Lizzie got told by Nigel that her personality had come through, and Charlie was told by Arlene that she can't keep in rhythm. The first dancer definitely in danger is...Mandy. Cat hugs her, but Mandy's all "what the fuck ever, I've done this twice already, I knew it was coming." Cat asks Arlene for her opinion on this, and Arlene says that Mandy's solos are always strong, so she needs to dance her heart out later. She means that literally, Mandy: dance it out, and then Arlene will have it for dinner later with a dash of soy sauce and a red cabbage salad. That leaves Lizzie and Charlie awaiting their fate, and the contestant with a definite slot in the final is...Charlie. <em>(BOOOOOOO! - Chris)</em> Charlie covers her face and whimpers, while Lizzie hugs her, and Cat reminds us that Lizzie has never had to dance FOR HER LIFE before. Louise assures Lizzie that every dance she's ever done on this stage has been exceptional, and she's sure this one will be no different.<br /><br />Lizzie runs off, and Cat turns to Charlie and says: "and now I have to talk to you." HA! I mean, she said it cheerily enough, but in print, it just sounds so unwilling, doesn't it? A teary Charlie thanks the public for voting and keeping her in, and runs off into the pit, where there is no one to hug. Ah, the perils of being successful.<br /><br />Right, onto the boys, so it's VT time all over again: Robbie says he's been through so much, and to go out now would let down his friends and family and devastate him. Tommy agrees that going out in the semi-final is the worst thing in a way, because you're so close to the final. It probably doesn't suck as much as making the final only to come 4th though, surely? Alastair says that making the final would be the only way he can say thank you to everyone who's supported him this far. Spoiler alert: Alastair is an ingrate.<br /><br />So, the boys all stand in a line next to Cat, in solo-ready clothes, looking various degrees of nervous (Robbie is twitching, Alastair is solemn, Tommy couldn't really give a shit <em>(I love how the nation was all WE NEED MORE AUDITIONS TO GET TO KNOW THESE PEOPLE'S PERSONALITIES MORE and now they're about to vote someone without any "personality" (in reality show terms) whatsoever the winner - Chris</em>). Cat reminds Tommy that Arlene called him the most versatile contestant, and Robbie that Sisco said his hip-hop number took him from zero to hero (it did? Surely the other way around? Then again: why am I debating the inner logic of something Sisco said?) <em>(I think he meant in hip-hop terms when comparing it to his first attempt at it, with the lovely Yanet - Chris)</em>, and Alastair is told that Nigel loved his contemporary dance, though the scatching reviews for his paso doble are unsurprisingly omitted. Cat opens her envelope (ooer) and reveals that the first dancer in danger is Alastair. Robbie grabs Alastair's shoulders as he walks past, and Tommy taps him on the arm supportively.<br /><br />Cat asks Sisco, since he loved the contemporary routine, what did he see that the public didn't? I can't answer that, but one thing Sisco clearly did not see before leaving his dressing room this week: a mirror. Thank you, I'll be here all week! (Not really, this isn't <a href="http://bitchingonice.blogspot.com/"><i>Dancing on Ice</i></a>.) Anyway, Sisco wishes Alastair good luck, and Alastair takes the walk of shame stage left. Giant Robbie and Tiny Tommy put an arm on each other's shoulder, in a way that has to be kind of uncomfortable, and Cat reveals that the male dancer definitely through to the final is...Tommy. Awesome! He's my pick of the boys at this lamentable, Drew-less stage. Cat stands in between them, and very sweetly tells Robbie that this means he will have to do his solo, but it isn't necessarily the end of the road. Nigel's opinion is solicited, and he says that looking at it the other way, clearly Tommy did a great job tonight. Nigel doesn't think Robbie needs to do anything to improve, he's doing brilliantly, though obviously something is not connecting with the viewers. This disregards the possibility that Chris explained to me earlier, that due to the unique way <i>So You Think You Can Dance</i> is voted for by you, the viewer, Robbie could've been 8th out of 8 last week and 2nd out of 6 this week, and still have been B4 both times, so two consecutive danger-zone appearances at this stage doesn't automatically mean an absence of public support. Anyway, Nigel hopes that Robbie can remain next week and find that level of support. Somewhere offstage, Alastair's all "well, shit." <em>(I know - Alastair obviously pissed Nigel off this week for some reason - Chris)</em><br /><br />Cat congratulates Tommy, the "first finalist" (because nobody cares about Charlie) and Tommy thanks everyone who's voted him to the final, and he can't wait for the big challenges that await him next week. He runs off into the winner's pit to give Charlie someone to hug, at long last.<br /><br />Arlene is asked for some final words of advice, and she starts spouting about clouds and stars and last chances, and I honestly don't think there's been a single occasion in the past two weeks where I've watched Arlene in something and not wondered if she was wasted.<br /><br />It be solo tiem nao: Mandy shimmers out in her glittery dress to 'Feeling Good' and sasses her way through a solo that isn't quite as awesome as last week's was, but is still pretty great. She even does a little head pop at the end, and damn, that's a good note to go out on. Lizzie's next, doing her feats of bending to 'Bleeding Love', and I'd say that technically this is about on a level with Mandy's, but I'd keep her anyway thanks to her body of work on the show being stronger. Alastair returns and pirouettes and spins and prances his way through something dramatic sounding, that I don't really recognise, and it's all very nice, but nothing we haven't seen before, and he ends it by jumping to the floor in a fist-pumping "yesss!!!!" sort of pose which I find rather offputting. <em>(That was the only bit I liked :-( - Chris)</em> Robbie does more stretching to landfill indie, and I really don't enjoy his solos at all, because I just feel like there's nothing new in them. I enjoy Robbie as a dancer well enough, I just don't think his own choreography showcases him that brilliantly.<br /><br />Everyone runs off for consolatory hugs, and the judges put their heads together to make a decision. Nigel says that he's looking forward to next week where they don't have any say in anything and can just sit back and enjoy it. While they're debating, Leona Lewis is here performing her new single, 'I Got You', which is not as sinister as it sounds. She's miming, which is just as well when you take <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDxV-zdI5ag">this</a> into consideration. The performance is surrounded by the European dry ice mountain, and a lot of people dressed in black doing contemporary dance, or pretending to be horses, or something. I dunno, you'd think that after a month of blogging this show I'd know anything at all about dance, and I'm still utterly clueless. I do enjoy watching attractive young men dancing with their shirts off though, and really, isn't that why we're all here? Well, here, or watching <i>Chicago</i>.<br /><br />Once all that's over, Cat welcomes back the "four in danger", which is presumably one of the lesser-known Enid Blyton adventures. Mandy and Lizzie are called out to learn their fates first, and Nigel tells them that the judges are unanimous, both in their decision, and in seeing both of them in their top three dancers, and they should both be aware of their general levels of amazingness, yada yada yada. Lizzie is told that her personality has grown across the series, and Nigel's just sorry it's not happened sooner, though he notes she's not been B4 before, "and yet you find yourself at probably the most important week of the series. However, you're still here, step back." Heh. Mandy is assured that whether she makes the finale or not, all of her hard work has been worthwhile - which is just as well, because she is out. Lizzie receives the news soberly, hugs Mandy, and is ushered offstage by Cat. Mandy totally knew this was coming and is still upbeat: we see her JOURNEY over the series, and I'm sad that I didn't realise how awesome she was until last week. <em>(That's because she wasn't awesome until last week - Chris)</em> Then again, she was kind of inconsistent, so it's not entirely my fault. In fact, it is anybody's fault but mine, like most things. Back in the studio, Mandy's in tears and apologises for being "the blubbering American", thanks her family, and implores everyone who dances to keep doing so, because "it's worth it". This moment came to courtesy of the L'Oréal School of Performing Arts. Cat wishes Mandy good luck, kisses her, and sends her off to the Stool of Elimination.<br /><br />Alastair and Robbie come forward, and are also informed that the judges are unanimous, again in their decision, and in seeing the boys are inspiration to all the men out there who are worried that maybe dancing might make them look gay or something. Alastair is called forward, and Nigel wonders how he got into ballet from being a farmboy, and loves that he goes off drinking WITH THE LADS and still looks like that, and advises him to keep drinking beer. Then there's an odd bit of business where Nigel says that they overdramatise stuff on telly (I am SHOCKED by this revelation, I don't mind telling you) <em>(I ALMOST DIED - Chris)</em>) when they say that people were dancing for their lives, and things like that, but someone really was dancing for their life tonight - and at this point Alastair mouths a small "thank you", thinking, not unfairly, that Nigel is talking about him, only for Nigel to say that that person was Robbie. Oooh, <i>awkward</i>. Nigel goes on to say that Robbie overwhelmed Alastair in the solos, so Alastair will be leaving us tonight. Robbie gives him a man-hug and runs off stage, and Alastair heads for the soothing arms of Cat. Alastair's VT shows him dancing around a tractor, being shirtless a few times, wearing argyle, being inconsistent but still being kind of hot, and saying that he will walk away with fantastic memories. I'd rather he danced away with fantastic memories, but perhaps I'm just being greedy.<br /><br />Back in the studio, Alastair thanks all the people he's been working with - and the sound's a bit muffled here, but I think he singles out Drew, which is awesome - and the people at home who supported him this far. Mandy's there too, and beaming, and Cat reminds us that next week, we have all the power in deciding who gets the cash, and the chance to be mocked on the US version of the show. We're told that Robbie Williams will be here next week (o, the incomparable joy), and Cat signs off.<br /><br />Dance party! Robbie runs onto the stage at a considerable lick and full-on glomps Alastair, while Mandy shares a warm hug with Lizzie and Charlie sort of attaches herself to the end of it, and then both Charlie and Tommy are pulled into the embraces by the respective eliminees, and it's all very cute, and then they all start hugging each other. Dancers, eh?<br /><br />Well, that's it for another week. SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!</div>Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-89659794912266602992010-02-07T16:43:00.000+00:002010-02-08T22:04:14.032+00:00So You Think You Can Make Karen Hardy Cry?Yeah, s'not that difficult is it?<br /><br /><div><b>Top 6: 6th February 2009</b></div><div><br /></div>LAST WEEK : was the most dramatic yet! Robbie & Yanet exposed themselves to Sisco and... if there were any felony I'd be committing at Sisco, it would not be that one, I'll tell you that much. Drew and Yanet then went home, taking their Latin Passion and Love Of Judy with them, leaving a final 6 who are all VERY KEEN TO GIVE IT THEIR ALL AND COME OUT AND WORK HARD etc etc. Yes the reality tv semi-final clichés are out in full force, with everyone trying their hardest despite the fact that really, hasn't everyone at home got their favourites at this point? In my case: not Charlie.<br /><br />SHUGGA-BUGGA CAN MAKE KAREN HARDY CRY!<br /><br />Out onto the stage tumble our top six : Lizzie (Jan), Tommy (Bobby), Mandy (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia), Robbie (Peter), Charlie (Cindy), Alastair (Greg) and apologies if you have no concept of The Brady Bunch, but they so are. I've also just noticed that during the "these are the girls, here are your guys" bit, the girls actually dance (well...vamp) towards the front of the stage, whereas the boys just walk in time with the music. Where's the equality of labour? Suddenly the use of "This Woman's Work" a few weeks ago is even more appropriate. Yes, sometimes this show really is like childbirth. Especially when Arlene's speaking.<br /><br />Once they're done dancing/walking, Cat comes out, wearing a black dressy thing with what appears to be an angry grasshopper embossed onto the front with gold studs. It's *a* fashion choice I'll give her that. The audience, you'll be surprised to hear, are "amazing tonight". She gives us notice that this week will work much like any other, but instead of having rubbish awful group numbers, we'll be having two coupled routines per partnership. But we're still having the solos, and one at a time rather than two in one go, so you'll have to make that piss-break very quick indeed. She then introduces our judges - Nigel (looking very Rock-A-Doodle-Do), Arlene (looking very WI treasurer who nobody cares for, but she makes a mean cucumber chutney), Louise (looking very superfluous) and Sisco (looking very...punchable). Apparently it's Sisco's birthday tonight as well.<br /><br />Any long term viewer of reality tv will tell you that "eliminated on their birthday" is a very very common trope. Just saying. [<i>Or on the day of your high school gradation, which you missed to compete in said reality show. Tyra Banks is such a bitch. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Cat then asks Nigel what the dancers can do to leap that final hurdle into the final, and he says they need to become more brash and confident and American about the whole thing, and not be so humble and English about wanting to move forwards. Yes Mandy and Tommy, stop being so darned English. Be MORE AMERICAN MANDY! There then follows an extended riff where he apologises to Arlene for calling her a Wicked Witch because it was offensive to witches, and then tells her that Andrew Lloyd Webber is holding open the part of the Wicked Witch in "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" for her. Are they saving the role of Chief Munchkin open for Sisco? [<i>That, or the annoying little yappy dog. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Moving swiftly on, and Cat Deeley gives out the numbers, then imitates the Shugga-Bugga CAN DANCE robot voice. I've said it before and I'll say it again - don't get the hate.<br /><br />First up, Lizzie & Robbie, dancing together for the first time. Dressed as bell-hops and mugging frantically. Their VT informs us that this week they'll be dancing Broadway under the watchful eye of... hooray, Giant Lady returns! She's apparently choreographed a vaudeville number which is full of laughs and is a "real show-stopper". Which is of course why they're putting it on first. Lizzie's excited that she's going to get to show a full range of facial expressions (*eyes to Tommy*) and Robbie is loving the "banter" in the routine. Anything described as "banter" automatically makes my toes curl. It's basically code for "straight men being bitchy, but it's not bitchy, because they're straight men, it's just "banter""<br /><br />Although having said that, I can't actually see where it'd fit into the routine, unless they're planning to stop halfway through and have a natter. Actually that might have improved some of the other dances this week.<br /><br />The other half of their VT is Lizzie-centric and this week is apparently "family visits" week. In this one, we learn that Lizzie has seven adorable nieces and nephews, who she is training up into her own private dance army. By So You Think You Can Dance 10 (it so is going to recommissioned that many times) they're going to be the entire top 6. Minus the one who got bored of the constant hip-hop training and rebelled to become an accountant. We get lots of pictures of Lizzie growing up, on her journey to womanhood, and then it's time for the routine.<br /><br />So yes, they're dressed as bell-hops and they're dancing to that instrumental number from Chicago that gets played over the credits as you wonder how in the name of all that is holy Catherine Zeta Jones managed to get an Oscar (I mean, really). Basically the story is of two hotel porters messing around with the luggage trolley and attendant luggage, whilst pretending to be civil-war soldiers and explorers and all sorts of wacky zany antics like that. What's interesting is that I think Lizzie's facial expressions are marginally more appropriate than Robbie's. I mean don't get me wrong, Robbie's facial expressions are giant and adorable, but you can tell he's a theatre dancer, because there is not a single person in the theatre who can't tell exactly what he's thinking, and the people in the front row can probably tell what he's had for dinner. Then again, physically the routine is quite flaily and zany, so it suits the rest of him a tad more than her. At any rate, it's very fun and silly and they both perform it exceptionally well. Good job to open the show Giant Lady. It ends with him leapfrogging over her head (with her in a standing position no less) and landing in splits position - excellent.<br /><br />Over to Cat they trot, as she marvels at how Robbie managed to jump quite that high with all those limbs to get in the way. Nigel starts for the judges, telling us all that that was danced to the "Hot Honey Rag" which sounds like something used to clean the drains at Kraft World (formally Cadbury World) and then he totally games the audience by saying "I have to say Lizzie, that sometimes your facial expressions don't come through...erm...*wait for boo*" before camping up that what he was GOING TO SAY was that SOMETIMES she's like that but NOT TONIGHT. And he does this with none of the prissiness that a Simon Cowell might give it, and with the wink to the expensive seats that this is all showbiz nonsense, and this is why Nigel Lithgow is my favourite judge currently working in reality tv. [<i>I'm telling Mary Murphy you said that. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Anyway, he liked all the physical comedy gleaned from the height difference between the two and also gives Giant Lady the shout-out she deserves. Arlene next, and she says the routine needed a cartoony energy, like Tom & Jerry or Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney. I know Liza Minnelli is a cartoon, but I think her mother was in fact real. Although thinking about that's making me feel a bit "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?". Anyway she then utterly nonsenses that she "didn't think they'd deliver because they were picked out of tens of thousands of dancers because they were excellent in their styles but then they delivered on every level". That makes NO.EFFING.SENSE. She thought they'd be rubbish BECAUSE they're good at their style? Seriously, no effing sense whatsoever. Louise said she liked it, but worries that people at home might underestimate just how hard it is to get that sort of comic repartee down in dance, and then Sisco finishes by squeaking that if the public don't put Robbie & Lizzie through "I'm a gonna git you" and making animal noises.<br /><br />Does he know there's another routine coming? That might (*spoiler*) be a bit poo? Oh Sisco. Cat gives out the numbers, talks about the "Stockport Spider getting squished" and Robbie then makes more adorable giant "I was in We Will Rock You - Germany" faces.<br /><br />First solo now - it's "Cheeky Charlie" dancing to Gloria Estefan and her Miami Sound Machine. I'll let Stephanie Beacham cover this one :<br /><br />Stephanie Beacham: That Charlie creature can get her leg up over her head<br /><br />And that's all she ever does. That and shaking her tits around a bit. I bet she thinks that's "Latin Passion". Zzzz.<br /><br />We're apparently getting (mercifully brief) reviews of the solos this week and Nigel tells Charlie that this solo was a sign of how she's really grown as a performer, because four weeks ago it would have been full of silly winks to camera and stage-school affectations, but this showed that she's really grown as a woman. JOURNEY! DRINK!<br /><br />Alastair & Mandy next, because I'm sure both of them want to re-visit that partnership again, and as we go to VT I see that he's wearing a deliberately undone bow-tie. HATE! I swear the rest of this episode is just me shouting at the variety of costumes I find personally offensive. It's like Tess' wardrobe people did everybody this week. Mandy's dress just makes her look fat.<br /><br />The VT cuts straight (after a brief reminder of her "I'M SO HAPPY! PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME!" moment of safety from last week (yeah...turns out not so much)) to Mandy's story about how her entire family live so far away, and phones and the Internet and skype all haven't been invented yet, so she's a bit lonely. Never mind, her MOTHER-IN-LAW really likes her, and is putting up posters in the Post Office of St Asaph (population 3,500, which, if you proportion down, means about 292 people who watch this show. ALL POWER-VOTING FOR MANDY NO DOUBT) along with the "bar-help wanted" and "missing kitty" posters, and generally being proud. Apparently she and Mandy used to do girly things together and so she's apparently like the daughter she never had. Probably fortunately, because I'm guessing if Mandy's mother-in-law had popped out a baby looking like Mandy there'd be a few rumours spreading around the town.<br /><br />We finish with some footage of Mandy & Alastair rolling around on top of a sofa repeatedly injuring themselves and talking about how demanding and tiring and potentially crippling this routine is. So obviously, after we open with the show-stopping number, we put the potentially injurious and definitely tiring routine on second. Do we think someone got the running order upside-down this week? I bet the closing number is done to "Get The Party Started".<br /><br />The routine is in the "Fighting" proportion of the Contemporary sphere, and... Right, it's choreographed to Coldplay and they're rolling around on sofas and tables hurling plates and books and stuff at each other. Basically it's a DFS advert that's stopped being polite and started getting REAL. It's very passionate and DRAMATIC and it might just be my residual Mandy love that suddenly blossomed last week, but she's really very very good in it. Alastair on the other hand starts off fine, but looks a bit lost from about halfway through. His movements start to get a bit skiddy and confused and off and he looks like he's holding onto the performance at the expense of the technique of the routine. This turns out to be exactly the opposite of what the judges think so I'm probably wrong but... it's not his finest hour. She's still pretty epic though. It's odd, because they keep on putting these two together (entirely randomly obviously *strokes chin*) but I've never seen a performance where they both look good - I think they hamper each other to an extent.<br /><br />Anyway, as they emote over to Cat, we get a shot of her GIANT HEADED husband in the audience looking moved, and the choreographers (who are never identified) applauding. At least I think it's the choreographers. They certainly LOOK like contemporary dance choreographers. As the stage-hands clear up the carnage Arlene tells us for the zillionth time what contemporary dance is about - it's about PASSION and PERFORMANCE and NOT BEING AS HARD AS BALLROOM AND LATIN. This dance was apparently about "one of the classic break-ups" - Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton for her generation, and Katie & Peter for "the new generation". Is she saying that Katie Price is my equivalent of Elizabeth Taylor? I am boycotting the rest of her comments in outrage. Never mind that it was more "Elizabeth Burton and Richard Taylor" from the previous generation of Hollyoaks.<br /><br />Louise says that last week she was worried by Mandy's routine (really? The routine that was in Mandy's field of expertise, danced with the most versatile male left in the competition, aired at the end of the show, choreographed by Giant Lady? Competing against three pretty terrible routines? That routine? Whatever Louise) , but she's so glad she got the chance to come back and do that. She then tells Alastair that he's growing and becoming stronger, and they both "fixed it" for each other this evening. I kind of want her to operate a giant mechanical arm with a tacky medallion at this point a la "Jim'll Fix It". Sisco follows by saying that it was "like watching an episode of EastEnders". Hang on, Sisco, it wasn't THAT bad. Anyway, he then gushes about what a great support system Alastair was, and that Mandy was amazing, and their chemistry is amongst the best in the show. Of course at this point, as though to disprove his point, Mandy looks up Alastair in delight at the compliment, and he completely blanks her.<br /><br />Nigel then goes an extended, actually funny (bizarrely given the thin material) diversion about how the routine reminded him of him and his ex-wife, back-and-forth-ing with Cat, and then eventually gets round to his comments that he thought it was a good routine, danced well, but he didn't really see the connection. Of course you can then tell that Nigel's the judge whose comments really matter, as the others all react and blow raspberries (guess which one, go on, guess) at him. When Louise says something they disagree with, they all just stare off into space.<br /><br />Next up for the solos is Lizzie, wearing offensively tacky beading that Latoya Jackson would wrinkle her nose at. Heck, '80s Latoya Jackson would turn her nose up at it. She's popping and locking to 'Bleeding Love' and it's very nice - quite fluid and with a decent amount of content. Not terribly memorable, but enough to add to her body of work in a positive way. Please note for later, that the review for this solo from Arlene is that it's "breath-taking". So so far we've had "a real sign of growth" and "breath-taking". So if anyone in the Results Show says that the judges only really liked one solo this week, you can call their ass a liar from me.<br /><br />Oh and Arlene also calls her "wicked". Dear me.<br /><br /><br />Next up, Charlie & Tommy, whose segment Cat leads into by saying that they've never been in the Bottom Two when paired up, but when apart one of them's always been there. It's this sort of random stat that I love, and of course it's obliterated by the next shot of the pair of them pawing at each other in ugly shiny red PVC. And Tommy's got his shirt off, should you be so interested.<br /><br /><br />The Charlie-centric VT starts off with us being reminded that she was in the Bottom Two last week, but she reassures us that this has only made her more determined. We struck her down, but now she has come back more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Personally I always prefer it when being in the Bottom Two sends people IBBLE IBBLE MENTAL but that's just me. [<i>Ahhh, Zoe Lucker. - Steve</i>] Apparently she went to ask Arlene for her advice about how to connect with the public more. Sadly Arlene's one trick of "get replaced by a younger girl so everyone forgets what a rancid old hag you are in the frantic rush to be politically correct" won't work with Charlie, because she's 12 years old, so Arlene (staring at Charlie's tits the whole time incidentally) parps out some crap about really believing she's a woman.<br /><br />If Charlie had solo'd to "Man I Feel Like A Woman" complete with yelling "LET'S GO GIRLS!" at the beginning, I might have actually voted for her. Charlie's response incidentally is to do the Langford Nod (oy!) and go "yup". Get a personality girl, seriously.<br /><br />Anyway, to highlight the fact that Charlie is now a woman, her mum and gran are going to come in and help her out. I know that'd get me a lot more respect in my workplace. Turns out her mum and her gran are both experienced professional dancers (no really, try to look surprised I DARES YOU). They also both have "-eeeeeeeeeeee" names (Sally, Molly) which if anything surprises me even less. Three generations of stage school smiles all twirl around in unison. I would kill for a family group number this week - not gay Alastair and his not gay brother, Lizzie and her army of nieces, Charlie's Stage Family, Tommy and his awesome sister, Mandy and her mother-in-law doing "girly things". Wouldn't it be at least better than solos?<br /><br />This week, she and Tommy are doing "hot jazz" which presumably means "jazz in man-made plastics". It's being choreographed by Sean Cheesman who I am informed did some stuff for Britney or whatever. [<i>I'm glad to see that literally the only thing I know about pop choreographers came in handy at some point. - Steve</i>]<i> </i>His instructions to her are basically "SLAG IT UP!" and "BEHAVE LIKE A WOMAN!" and "SHAVE ALL YOUR HAIR OFF, SHOW EVERYONE YOUR VAGINA AND ATTACK A CAR WITH AN UMBRELLA!". Well alright, I was just wishing for that last one. Except for the vagina part obviously. Sigh. Didn't Charlie prove she was a woman when she had (fake) cancer? Why are we doing this again? (Giant Lady : She's got tits, she's a woman - move on)<br /><br />I am at least glad the Britney number they are dancing to is "Circus" and not "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman". Or "3" because that song sucks. I love that they gave that VT to Charlie before this routine because... is anyone really watching Charlie in this what with Tommy being all naked? She puts in a credible performance but there's just something about her movement that I don't really like. She's not as hard-hitting as I think she should be, and the end of her moves are kind of throwaway. He on the other hand is really nailing it, and is in fact the one having the performance breakthrough, because he doesn't once smile with his scary teeth (seriously, between Tommy and Robbie, our winner isn't going to disabuse the Yanks of any of their views on British dentistry are they?). They end up necking up against their giant prop to end (two big white boxes like the "Human Nature" video) and it is at least a more convincing expression of heterosexual desire than anything else we'll see this evening.<br /><br />Louise starts for the judges by hooting obnoxiously about Tommy's torso whilst Sisco fans her down. She praises Charlie for not getting upstaged by the beefcake on display next to her (seriously Alastair, this is how you play the topless card - make them wait and then pay it off when you need it. You sell it cheap, nobody wants to buy any more). She did however think the routine stayed too much on one level, and never exploded. Sisco's comments are then basically him perving over Tommy and quacking on about the sexual chemistry and how Charlie is now a WOMAN because she jigged around a bit in a burst red pepper. Transition clinics across the nation take note.<br /><br />Nigel jokes to start that he hadn't noticed Tommy's buffness until it was pointed out, and by God the man even manages to make "I AM HETEROSEXUAL I AM!" not seem that obnoxious. Anyway, it was terrific, and it was a great routine. He also mentions in passing that it was really a hip-hop jazz fusion, which is accurate and informative and... don't make me gush this much about Nigel Lythgoe please show, it's going to put the readers off and make them vote for Kym Marsh on <i>Popstar to Operastar</i> even more than they are already inexplicably doing. Arlene finishes by praising Charlie for maturing in that performance, and Tommy for being so versatile, but then returns to Charlie for putting her on blast for having no sense of rhythm and never being in time with the music. Erm... it's the semi-final, should someone not have mentioned that before now? It's quite important for a dancer to have rhythm isn't it?<br /><br />Next solo up to the plate is Alastair doing ballet to what sounds like fight music from Planet of The Apes. It's quite light and throwaway and not terribly memorable. Louise reviews and drones on about how she likes Alastair but she thinks he has more to offer. I agree, but I think the "more to offer" might well dwell in the "clothes to remove" part rather than the "dancing" part.<br /><br />At this halfway-stage Cat runs down the numbers for us, and tells us in the Results Show we'll be seeing a routine to Big Spender choreographed by Giant Lady, and also a performance by Leona Lewis (I'm so jealous Steve. So very jealous. I bet they make me recap Robbie Williams next week and all).<br /><br />Next up - Robbie & Lizzie, dressed like what would have happened if Sky One made "High School Musical" rather than Disney. We're informed in his VT that being in the Bottom Two did not in fact fill Robbie with the steely insane desire it did Charlie, it actually broke him like Alexandra Burke's Feminism Heels. He gives a to-camera interview, looking gaunt (well... more gaunt) talking about how he can't let up for a second, he has to keep going, otherwise he'll just collapse and genuinely, give the boy a sandwich and some perspective. Nigel makes it worse in his advice session by basically telling him he can't give him any advice and he's doing everything that can be asked of him. Poor duck.<br /><br />This week he's with Lizzie, and they've got hip-hop and this has caused Robbie to have horrible, waking-up-in-sweats-in-the-middle-of-the-night flashback to Sisco's hat the week he and Yanet murdered hip-hop forever. And the comments for that routine a little bit, but mostly Sisco's stupid bloody hat. He (and Lizzie to be honest) have come to the conclusion that TALL PEOPLE CAN'T HIP-HOP. And as he is a tall person, that makes him screwed. This hip-hop iteration is being choreographed by Simeon Qseya who has thus far been responsible for Heelies Dance and Bench Dance, which puts him just above Kate Prince, but only barely. So I can see why Robbie might be worried. He tells Robbie to forget all his preconceptions and just try it, and he'll totally BE FINE. Then there's a lot of talk about challenging pre-conceptions yadda yadda, and I would love to join in, but we all know that whatever this routine is, it won't be hip-hop, it'll be installment 57 in Propapalooza, so let's just get on with it shall we?<br /><br />Right on cue, we cut to Lizzie & Robbie lying (visually speaking - they're actually stood up, with the bed vertical behind them) on a bed and making heiroglyphics with their hands. Cause this is "lyrical hip hop" as it seems to be every bloody week. Lizzie and Tommy better get the chance to throw down next week, or I will be MIGHTY PEEVED. Robbie and Lizzie are lovers, in bed, who are FIGHTING for whatever reason (I can think of a few reasons why this relationship might not work out, and they're not just the height difference) and they dance about a bit, and then they're happy again, and rub each others faces like they're smearing scent in an episode of SVU so the hounds can come and track the other person down. Robbie's skills at hip-hop (what little there is) are noticably better this time, but his attempts at "attitude" are a bit silly. Lizzie's quite good, but not really standout, and the whole thing is basically an advert for FEWER PROPS AND MORE DANCING PLEASE.<br /><br />Nigel starts by pointing out said abundance of props this week (and indeed every week recently. Remember when it seemed new and interesting that they had a bed onstane? Yeah, not so much now eh?) and giggles about how they're going to need to get that bed back to Sisco's apartment. It does seem like the sort of ugly, outsized gewgaw he would favour. He then moves onto the performance, saying it was alright, not terribly memorable, and wouldn't make him pick up a telephone for either of them. I doubt you'd be allowed Nigel. [<i>Every time people talk about picking up telephones now, I just think of Drew's crotch. Thanks for that, Drew. - Steve</i>] Sisco follows by saying that he disagrees, and that Robbie went from zero to hero, and that Lizzie is now the clear front-runner for the girls. Of course he gabbles this and stumbles over his words on the way there but that's his basic thrust. So to speak.<br /><br />Arlene praises Lizzie for not just walking out and blowing everyone away as she so obviously could have given the material she was being given to work with, but instead really helping Robbie to grow as a (lyrical) hip-hop dancer. She's glad they ended up in bed because the pair of them "really made it happen" ("it" presumably being scoffs of disbelief at the idea of these two as a couple) and she WOULD pick up the phone to vote for them so THERE NIGEL! P'NURR! I'm sure Nigel is so burnt. Cat reels off the numbers and Lizzie looks appealingly at Robbie and the camera.<br /><br />Next solo is Tommy dancing to... The South Bank Show theme-tune. [<i>I'm guessing that that soundtrack choice allowed the BBC to count this week's show in their government-mandated percentage of arts programming. - Steve</i>] Excellent. It's very exciting and athletic breaking and, just like Mandy's solo was last week, clearly the stand-out performance of the evening solo wise. I still say him dancing with his awesome sister would have been better though. Sisco's critique is calling Tommy an alien and telling people to vote for them. For real - new judge next series please. Well, three really, but start with that end of the panel and work left. Cat gave better critique than that whilst Tommy was walking over.<br /><br />Next up for the pairs, it's Alastair, looking very Dragonball Z, and Mandy, looking very smiley for someone about to do a paso doble. Cat informs us that Alastair's supporters have been "giving it some serious welly". Oh good. More farm related stuff.<br /><br />Right on cue we cut to a frozen field with the Hovis music playing in the background and some woman walking dogs saying "Alastair couldn't have more support if he tried really" which... he could, and he IS trying, but the poor woman's wearing a promotional t-shirt and nothing else (on top I mean, she is in trousers) in the middle of February, so I'll let her off the logical blips. Anyway, as well as promotional t-shirts, Alastair's family have hit upon a great way to drum up support - clog up the streets with a massive tractor rally. Really going for the motorists vote there aren't they? We see lots of clips from people being really impressed by the sheer volume of tractor pounding through their village. Notably, all these people are ON FOOT.<br /><br />The whole sequence would frankly be improved by a shot of Drew driving a tractor complete with flat-cap and piece of straw between his teeth. But then that's true of every week isn't it?<br /><br />We cut to the studio, where Alastair and Mandy are being taught how to paso by Katia and her Fittie Professional Partner from Strictly (hopefully, in the case of the latter.) and there's a lot of talk of how it's a real man's dance and Mandy is both terrified and a bit vageen-tingly about Alastair throwing her around. Additionally there are some bits that may very well kill her if they go wrong. Mandy, you're doing LATIN. The only person to beat the Curse Of Latin this series was the professional salsa dancer and salsa teacher dancing salsa. You need all the tricks you can play, fractured leg or no fractured leg. Alastair closes by saying he can see the finish line, and he just hopes he gets there. Ah well. Never mind eh?<br /><br />Their paso doble is apparently set in a bar. A bar in which Mandy is dancing on the counter. Basically it's a geriatric (SHE'S 30!) version of Coyote Ugly. Alastair stomps up, still being very Dragonball Z and the music suggests BAD THINGS ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN but not in the way they quite do because... basically it has all the fire and passion and aggression of <a href="http://images.hollywoodgrind.com:9000/images/2007/6/jordin-blake.jpg">an American Idol Final Two photo-call</a>. Mandy's far too nice and happy for this routine - she looks constipated throughout and Alastair is like someone tried to write "funfair" and it came out "fair" so lacking is he in "UNF". [<i>*facepalm* - Steve</i>] It's all quite graceful but there's no passion or eroticism or anger or ANYTHING. It's just really really drab.<br /><br />Nigel starts for the judges, saying that the music sounded like something out of The Exorcist or The Omen, and the dance should have reflected that. I would have loved if it did, and Alastair rode in on a little red tricycle whilst Mandy's head turned 360 degrees. Apparently his walks were like "a farm hand in Magaluf going up to the bar for a pint" and it lacked any passion whatsoever. The audience boo, and then he warns them he's going to get worse, as he tells Mandy she had about as much passion as a cloak and that the whole thing was just too meek and mild. Worst routine he's ever seen them do. Worse than when Mandy fell over to open the whole series, worse than when Alastair's hips would not move in the cha cha - just bad. Arlene agrees, telling Mandy that her twist-turns were appalling, and Alastair that he looked like he couldn't kill a rabbit, let alone a bull, and Alastair gives a wry little eyebrow to someone in the audience which makes me feel ooky, because it suggests Alastair has killed things far bigger than a rabbit. LOOK OUT ARLENE!<br /><br />Louise next, saying that she thinks the problem is that they never really grasped the music, and Mandy was missing all the passion and aggression she gives in her solos. If they'd just let her wear a sparkly hoodie, I'm sure it'd all come flooding out. She closes on telling Alastair that she feels like he opted out on the show this evening. Cat looks a bit like she wishes she'd done the same, and just stayed in America where everyone loves her, and let Fearne Cotton do this instead. THEN you'd really see insincerity, viewing public. She gives out the numbers and we cut to Katya and her pro partner giving epic bitch-face in the audience but as anyone who watched Strictly last series (I know you're out there somewhere) will tell you... that's just Katya.<br /><br />Next solo - Robbie dancing around to Scouting For Girls in a t-shirt with the Confederate flag on it. Let's send him to America wearing that. It'll be like that time we nearly sent that blacked-up Lionel Ritchie impersator to Vegas as the winner of Schedule Filling Celeb Impersonator Fun-Time Hour or whatever it was called. The dance is... to Scouting For Girls. And so can bugger off whatever. Arlene's review calls it out as stuff she's seen a million times before from him. Ouch.<br /><br />Finally for the couples, it's Charlie & Tommy, looking like an 8 year old's idea of elegance. Incidentally there have been five performance shows now. Guess in how many of them Charlie has gone on last? Three. And in one of the others she was on second-to-last. And the week she wasn't in either of those positions she was in the bottom two. Just. Saying.<br /><br />Still, at least the final VT isn't Charlie-centric, as we instead focus on Tommy, talking about how much it would mean to him to make the final. Some amount, is how much. What? He's Scandinavian. Ask Bjork, she'll tell you what they're like. This week he's in training with Screaming Neurotic (and hence one of my favourite Strictly pros) [<i>mine too - Steve</i>] Karen Hardy, doing the quickstep with Charlie, which is apparently the "hardest ballroom dance". But one of the more popular with the public so shrug.<br /><br />At this point we move to the family section of Tommy's intro this week (what were Robbie's family doing? Poor lanky thing) with his sister, Elena, coming over from Sweden to visit him. She talks about what a tight bond they had growing up, and we see lots of pictures illustating the fact that apparently Tommy came out the womb looking exactly as he did now. As the strains of "Hometown Glory" play, much to Steve's delight [<i>AAAAAAAAAAARGH - Steve</i>], they reunite in his flat, with Tommy's look of surprise being enormous indeed. Happily this is "I'm so glad to see you" shock, not "I owe you SO MUCH MONEY" shock and they have a chinwag about how she hopes to inspire him to reach the final, so she can come and watch him there as well. And then they hug and it's sweet. Also her child is adorable. I love Tommy's family best of all I think.<br /><br />Their quickstep is being danced to "Do Your Thing" by Basement Jaxx, and I wish they'd either not dance these things in the Smooth style, or make it very apparent they're doing so, because this is not your Strictly Quickstep, and so shouldn't be judged by the same standards. The hold's far apart (and a bit awkward besides) and they're out of it most of the time but what the routine does have is a real vibrancy and sense of fun to it. It all gets a bit gummy and slow at the end, but on the whole it's alright, and certainly compared to some of the absolute <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6Lr9NdY-sU">horror shows</a> I've seen on the US version, it's positively brilliant. Apart from the bit where he plays her entire body like a guitar but, well, it's Karen Hardy. We have come to expect such things. Oh yeah, and when they finish, she's crying. Nothing less than I hoped for.<br /><br />Over to the judges, and Cat congratulates Charlie on succesfully negotiating her way out of getting her dress caught in her heel and turning it into a move. That's where Cat earns her money. Bruce wouldn't even have noticed they were doing a QUICKSTEP let alone that they'd made a mistake. Arlene starts for the judges by congratulating Charlie on actually being in time in that routine and then award Tommy the title "Maestro of Dance" which I think might be a little like "Artist Of The Millennium" in that she just made it up herself. She then waffles about something Karen said in the notes about the pair of them dancing all night, and saying they did (metaphorically speaking) and then Karen cries like a loon some more.<br /><br />Louise next, saying it was a very fun and entertaining and light-hearted routine and she particularly liked the bit where Tommy plucked Charlie's vagina like a guitar. Yeah, she's a woman NOW. Sisco next, saying he was really worried, because the quickstep is really hard but they both blew him away. Sadly not literally. Nigel finishes by talking some more about the American show, and how the Quickstep is the DEATH DANCE there. He then says that whilst it wouldn't win any prizes in Blackpool (Charlie: Langford, Langford, Langford) it was very entertaining, and that's what this show is all about. Except when Sisco speaks obviously. Or when Gavin danced. (Remember him?) Cat reads out their numbers again, whilst Karen carries on screaming in the audience until someone can get a tranquiliser dart lined up.<br /><br />Finally for the solos, it's Mandy, failing to recapture the magic of last week, via the mistake of dancing sans hoodie, and avec le musique de Mickey Bubbles. Feeling Good really is played out on these shows isn't it? Sisco reviews, saying it made him "feel good" and that that solo shows why Mandy deserves to be here. I guess?<br /><br />Judge Chat now, with Nigel being asked who impressed him most this evening, and he replies that they all did, because they all faced challenges. But now the public have to completely forget what they've seen tonight, and weigh up how the dancers have performed over the entire series when casting their votes as to who they want to see in the "finale". Not final. No sir. "Finale". Arlene's asked about the quality of the solos this evening, and she says they were alright, but only Tommy gave a really outstanding one (not what you were saying earlier Arlene. At. All.), packing as many intricacies into the dance as Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber packed into the piece of music. WOW! AS COMPLICATED AS AN ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER PIECE! PRAISE FROM CAESAR!<br /><br />Louise is then asked what her favourite couples routine of the evening is, and completely ignores the question in favour of saying that Robbie & Lizzie were the best couple on the night. Not even the question Lou, not even the question. Sisco is then asked the same question, in the vain hope that we might get an answer, and he says Alastair and Mandy's contemporary routine. Apparently he thinks it'll save them single-handedly despite their mess-up of a paso. A ha ha ha ha NO. Oh and the hip hop wasn't that bad either. Well that's a first.<br /><br />Cat gives out the numbers, and we get our recap : Lizzie & Robbie jumping around pulling faces at the behest of Giant Lady, then rolling around oon a stupid bed prop ; Alastair & Mandy having the wussiest domestic ever and then being about as passionate and Spanish as Judith Chalmers ; and then Charlie & Mandy being all nudey-naked up in each others boxes, and the making Karen cry for no real reason.<br /><br />And that's it. Cat asks Alastair how happy he is to be this far (very happy), Cat thanks the families, we cut to a shot of Anabel, Yanet, Drew and I think Chloe somewhere in there (remember her?) cheering their heads off, and we go to Dale Winton. The losers, the survivors, Leona Lewis and Steve will join you all on the other side of his glowing orange fizzgog.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7226245497561127294.post-35619482889027601172010-01-31T17:52:00.000+00:002010-01-31T22:40:05.590+00:00Drew The Short Straw<span style="font-weight:bold;">Top 8 Results: 30th January 2010</span><br /><br />We open on Cat telling us that an hour ago, 8 dancers danced to keep their place in the competition. Boo Cat Deeley, they were DANCING FOR THEIR LIVES and you know it. Anyway, unfortunately only 6 can stay, and due to the... unpleasant draw from the bastard RANDOM HAT that was distributed, the two going home will almost certainly be my two favourites so... yeah. Also Cat's hair looks like hot-buttered ass, so it's an unpleasant night all round. Time to stop letting the RANDOM HAT choose your styling Cat.<br /><br />WOOGE-WOGGA-CAN DANCE! I kind of wish the dancers in the credits were Nigel, Arlene, Louise and (Shut Up) Sisco. That'd make them 15 times more entertaining. It'd be like <i>Clarissa Explains It All</i>.<br /><br />We start with the group dance for the week, with Cat's eerie disembodied voice booming out over the loudspeakers telling us "the mueseum is now closed". There's a big box labelled "Ripped Off From Got T...", I mean "Fragile" on it, which then opens up, allowing the dancers to emerge. I'm guessing they're supposed to be museum exhibits but... Charlie's got Mickey Mouse ears on, Alistair is dressed up for the Masquerade, Drew's a dandy, Mandy's dressed as the totty character from a 90's Sega racing game, and Lizzie's wearing a fez on top of a trilby. And they're all dancing to "Relight My Fire" (the original). So God only knows what sort of museum this is. Tragically, Yanet is not dressed as a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex, and she does not stomp all over them causing carnage, a la "Night At The Museum". Much like "Night At The Museum" however, it is incoherent and dull. I want to say Mandy is the highlight, but that might just be because I suddenly 180 Love Her after the performance show.<br /><br />Once they're all back in their box, Cat stalks on from the side to tell us all that that routine was choreographed by Take That's choreographer. Makes sense. I would have preferred the Take That choreography of walking around on a shingle beach looking MATURE and WISER NOW and not really moving much to that nonsense, but hey ho. She also tells us that later we're going to be getting an exclusive performance from MIKA! You know how people complained about the quality of guest performers on Strictly? I would rather Andy Williams chainsaw-voice his way through his entire repertoire, whilst the Bee Gees sweated all over each-other on inaudiable backing vocals than sit through Mika. [<i>Mika AND Sisco. Whatever did we do to deserve this? - Steve</i>]<br /><br />She then welcomes our judges, and seriously, after the main show, who knew that (Shut Up) Sisco's hats were not in fact a symptom of his twattishness, they were in fact that last barrier holding it all in his stupid honking head. I apologise to you (Shut Up) Sisco's hats. Come back next week. Preferably over his face.<br /><br />Recap VT : the boys all hug and high-five and hype each other up, and then Cat Deeley comes in like some minor visiting royal and parades herself through them all, kissing them on the cheeks like they're brave little cancer patients. Maybe she got mixed up with last week. Mandy says she's really nervous and Drew mugs some more at the camera. We're then reminded of Robbie and Yanet's shitty awful Lindy Hop and then Sisco suddenly making me like it by being unnecessary all in Yanet's face to hide the fact that Robbie was just as bad. Backstage, Yanet says she's going to cut him open from gizzard to stern... oh no wait she just says she's going to prove she's not the weakest girl. In an actual fight? I'd pay.<br /><br />Then we're reminded of the fact that KATE PRINCE IS THE WORST CHOREOGRAPHER IN THE WORLD FACT before Drew gets all gay in the camera about how NIGEL SAID HE HEARTED IT. Oh Drew, I love you but I can see why you were occasionally on your own in the playground. That was intense even by stage-school standards. Lizzie and Alastair's not at all gay pubes were next doing contemporary, and whilst Louise and (Shut Up)Sisco loved it, Nigel didn't feel the romance. This is the Nigel who's such an expert in romance he was giving Drew advice how to score with women a few weeks back. Finally, Tommy and Mandy being nuclear strength amazing with some basic choreography - Louise thought it needed more pizazz (/pizznash/pazznish) but (Shut Up) Sisco thought it would be a TRAVESTY AGAINST HUMANITY if the pair of them didn't make the final. Yeah, steal your schtick from Len Goodman, (Shut Up) Sisco. That's the way to get more popular. Nigel and Louise both finish by admitting that quite a few of the dancers tonight were crap, and then Arlene says something, but I'm too busy laughing at Nigel mocking her behind her back (pulling faces and making sock-puppet talky hands) for me to listen. It's probably better that way.<br /><br />Straight into our pre girl-elimination VT, and instead of hearing from them all how much they want this and how devastated they would be to be eliminated, we instead get them all talking passive-aggressive smack about eachother. Yay! Mandy thinks that Lizzie is her main competition because she's a hip-hop dancer but also <em>quite</em> good in other styles (MEOW!). Lizzie thinks that Mandy is her main rival, because she's got the most experience (the haggard old bitch!). Yanet thinks that Mandy's solos are so good that they might even be as good as hers (OUCH!) Charlie thinks that Lizzie's her biggest rival, because she can do things that she could never do, like "popping and locking" and "spinning on her head". Hang on, that one comes up clean. From Charlie of all people. Who knew?<br /><br />Out onto the stage, and Mandy and Yanet are paried off first, in a "one of these people is in the bottom 2" style. Yanet is reminded that she screwed up the Lindy Hop, and Mandy is reminded that Louise thought she needed more pizznash-pow before... Mandy is told that she's safe, and she collapses in classic "I THOUGHT EVERYBODY HATED ME, BUT NOW I KNOW THEY DON'T!" tears, and everyone hugs her as she runs off safe whilst her husband with the giant head pumps his fist in the audience. Yanet tries to walk off, but Cat grabs her full-on yelling "WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-WOAH!", allowing her the time and space to hear Nigel telling her that he's not shocked and she totally deserved it. I'm sure she's glad of that.<br /><br />Lizzie and Charlie are left standing there, with Lizzie reminded that Nigel didn't rate her romantic performance, and Charlie reminded that Arlene thought she was too cutesy. Which I'm sure had nothing to do with THE OFFENSIVELY CUTESY CHOREOGRAPHY OR ANYTHING! I'm sure it was entirely possible that Charlie could have invested her role as heart-broken mime with balloons with some real FIRE AND EDGE. [<i>Wasn't that Robbie and Yanet's team name? Or was that Yanet and one of U2? - Steve</i>] Anyway, Lizzie and her terrifying abs are safe, and Charlie is in the bottom 2, looking profoundly unbothered in her Langford kind of way. Arlene tells her she's not surprised because this week's dance was as bad as last week's was good, and showed all sorts of holes in Charlie's abilities. Although none quite so large as the holes in her fishnet top last week.<br /><br />Next up, the boys "my biggest rival is" VT, spreading the love a little bit more evenly than the girls. Drew feels his biggest competition is Alastair, because he's such a good dancer and has an amazing personality, and he smells of apricots, and like, one time when they were changing Alistair just gave him this *look* you know, it's hard to describe but there totally coully could be something there, and also he has really good hair that would just be really... soft, you know? Something like that. Tommy views Robbie as his main rival, because he's just so TALL and flexible, and Tommy is SHORT and... rigid? Robbie likewise views Tommy as his main rival just because he's so different. Alistair finishes by calling Drew the man to beat because he's got great technique and is a real performer. At this point, Drew becomes so flustered and distracted, that his elimination is assured.<br /><br />Out on the stage, Cat starts with Drew, and the remarks she chooses to recall are complimentary, so you know he's in trouble. And indeed he is, dumped right into the bottom 2 straight off. Robbie gives him a little shoulder squeeze of support, before we have to hear (Shut Up) Sisco's opinion, which is that Drew is an amazing dancer but the lyrical hip-hop routine he did "exposed him" on the stage. [<i>Maybe things would've worked out better if he had been properly exposed and Drew's Nipple had popped out to talk to us again. - Steve</i>] Actually, given Kate Prince's choreography "skills" I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't work some sort of work with a Boogie Nights style prop dick at some point in the future. Cat asks Drew how many pirouettes he thinks he can do, and Drew basically doesn't give a crap at this point. Twelve or something, WHATEVER CAT. (*runs off crying*)<br /><br />Cat then runs her way through the remaining male dancers, and again, that they're using what positive remarks they can find about what Robbie did to the Lindy Hop suggests he's cruising for a bruising. We rehash Nigel's comments about the unromantic nature of Alastair's contemporary piece for, like, the zillionth time and the collective cheerleading the judges did for Tommy, before it is revealed that the latter two are safe, and it's Robbie who is in the danger zone. So much for Cancer Dance propelling its participants to victory. Then again, both performers in Bed Dance will soon be gone as well. Anyway, when Alastair is revealed to be safe he is STUNNED and wanders off doing what looks an awful lot like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9XXaU8xnV0">Brendan Fraser's offensive clapping</a><br /><br />Cat goes to Louise for a response, highlighting the fact that Robbie has never been in the bottom 2 before. Indeed, at this point, Lizzie is the only one of these people never to grace the bottom two. Not that that'll stop her finishing in third to two boys in the final but... Anyway Louise whitters that as a whole Robbie probably doesn't deserve to be bottom 2, but based on tonight he totally does. Finally, (Shut Up) Sisco is asked how the dancers need to perform in order to save themselves in his eyes and... I know people complain that Nigel talks too much but I'd rather him than (Shut Up) Sisco saying that all the dancers need to dance for their lives and show why they deserve a place in next week's show when he wouldn't vote for Yanet if he had a gun to his head. [<i>Which I totally was not holding. What? Don't look at me like that. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Solos time now, and Cat actually looks a bit nervous for a moment that Yanet might actually have stormed off à la Lady Sovereign on <i>This Week</i>, but phew, she is here. Vamping around in a Latin style to 'Let's Get Loud' and looking amazing. I just kind of wish she was even half as good at this as any other discipline and I don't know that she is. Charlie follows, doing more random jerking around to pop music and... even if you're a fan of Charlie's I'm guessing it's probably not for her solos. Oh and the audience chanting during the countdown is OFFENSIVELY loud at this point.<br /><br />Boys next, opening with Drew and his phone-cock doing pirouettes to 'Call Me' which is really energetic and fun but also kind of desperate as a concept and also... he's got a phone cord coming out of his crotch. Who wants to think about that? It's terrifying. Where would you put the coins? What if you had a special card? What sort of noise does he make when you're running out of minutes? [<i>I'm sure there's some kind of dictaphone/dick-to-phone joke to be made here, but I just can't pin it down. - Steve</i>] Robbie follows up, reminding us of the ways that his long limbs can be a boon, rather than crippling disadvantage they had been up this point of the evening. It's still to The Calling though, and I would be more than happy to completely forget that whole period of musical history.<br /><br />Cat foolishly goes immediately to Arlene afterwards and she starts gushing hysterically about how she doesn't want to let anyone go, and "those two boys" are amongst the most the phenomenal dancers in the country, and this is so harrrrrrrrrrd Cat, why are they making her choooooooooooose? If it's that hard Arlene, toss a coin or something. You know what you signed up for.<br /><br />Next : Mika. The last time I recapped Mika, I got death threats. I think I said I was quite glad he lost at the Brit Awards because I preferred the artist who won. Oh and also that he was gay. Lots of Mika fans seem to have a problem with that entirely obvious fact. So forgive me if I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to do it again. All I'll say is that the song has hand-clapping in it, and I still don't like it. Quite an achievement. It's a bit like 'No Scrubs' in the verses except not nearly as good. I'm so aggravated that I get this, and Steve gets pop-cultural robot phenomenon Leona next week. Lucky bastard. [<i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2prRLwqjq2s">Then again...</a> - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Once Mika's gone, and I've put my earphones back in, out troop the four people in danger, ready to receive judgment from Nigel, who starts with Yanet and Charlie, and tells them that the judges were unanimous. Yanet gives this comment the look of "...ugh." it deserves whilst Charlie continues to nod most Langford-like. Every time anybody says anything negative, she just nods eagerly. Probably because she's 19, and still thinks being gracious is going to get her anywhere.<br /><br />From here we move to that whole "take one step forward, take one step back, do the hokey cokey and you're ELIMINATED" business which advances nothing and nobody with Yanet being told she's not showing her animal sexual magnetism out of her face as much she should be, and the judges wants her to smile more. Anybody who has watched the US version for more than 5 minutes (and apologies for the diversion into racial politics) knows this is Nigel for "you're black and you're about to be eliminated". Nigel then tells Charlie that it's amazing that her routine put her at the top this week, and now another routine has put her at the bottom, and really how much does this show thinks it needs Kate Prince that it feels it can't call out that awful routine for what it was explicitly?<br /><br />Anyway, no duh, Yanet is eliminated, and Nigel at least acknowledges that she seems like she knew it already. Brilliantly, because Yanet is still in "take a step forward" mode Charlie comes at her from behind to hug her with her arms out-stretched, meaning that Yanet doesn't see her, meaning that she basically looks like a crazed zombie attacking her. CHARLIE WANT BRAINS! Yanet would be so amazing as the heroine in a zombie movie. Give this girl a shotgun and a cigar (Cuban, naturally) and we are MADE.<br /><br />Yanet's best bits are actually probably the first where it feels like the participant has a body of work large enough to be memorialised. Poor Anabel having her best bits basically be her bucking around like a mule in her Jive. We are reminded of her stunning foxtrot and salsa, and her god-awful hip-hop and Lindy routines, as well as the fact that whenever cut to her in a group dance she was always doing the same goshdarn thing. When we come back, Yanet gives a little speech about how she's disappointed and how she'll miss working with the great choreographers, but she'll take the positive comments from the judges (*points to Nigel, Arlene and Louise, and then all but flips the bird at (Shut Up) Sisco*) and use them in her career going forward.<br /><br />Can we have her on Strictly to at least choreograph some of the salsas? Or is Shouty Dwarf Man too well entrenched?<br /><br />To the boys now, and Nigel starts by saying that the judges were unanimous in their decision but also a decision that "we were unanimous in that we did not want to give". MANGLE that syntax Nigel. Anyway they didn't want to make the decision, because they were certain that both of these two would be in the final, and one of them would probably win. Well... Robbie still might, I guess. They're both told they've done amazing solos before, although Drew is mildly admonished for his cock-phone, because "his dancing is so good that he doesn't need props". Yeah, I can't see why he would have missed the "props=bad" message when for his partner routine about 5 sq ft of the floor wasn't covered in extraneous crap. Anyway, Robbie's "double turn into the side-split" was amazing, and probably sealed it for him because (*step forward for no earthly reason*) Drew is eliminated.<br /><br />I always kind of hope they're being made to step forward so something can drop on them.<br /><br />Robbie gives it proper Steps "Tragedy" face, before hugging Drew mumbling "no, no, no". We then move on to Drew's "Best Bits" - him zinging his heartstrings, his hair being a terrifying force of nature at all times, poor Anabel, the Bed Dance, the disco, the man, the myth, the Judy - Drew McOnie. I must admit, he was the one I wanted to win towards the end there. [<i>Me too. Sniff. - Steve</i>]<br /><br />Back in the studio, he says he can't articulate what he's feeling, but he really feels like he's been on a journey, and wants to take the lessons he's learnt from working with some great choreographers (and Kate EFFING Prince) and use them in his life to become a better dancer and person. Also he wants to inspire people to want to dance as much as he does. Oh Drew, I don't think anybody could.<br /><br />The stage is mobbed, Robbie and Alistair in particular look devastated, your recapper's two favourites (although with Yanet it was more for sentimental reasons towards the end there it had to be said) are gone [<i>same here - the only person left I feel remotely inspired to root for is Lizzie, so watch her go home next week - Steve</i>], Shugga-Bugga OUT.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17694862962806131000noreply@blogger.com0