Bitch, You Think You Can Dance?

So You Think You Can Get Cancelled?

2011-06-12T16:54:00.009+01:00

Final Results: 11th June 2011

You know, or not. But probably.

Previously : The whole series.

One last time everybody.

SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE! [*sniff* - Steve]

Speaking of the whole series, we're being joined by our whole Top 20 for one last group routine. Choreographed by Mandy Moore, naturally. I think Mandy Moore has choreographed pretty much everything these last two weeks hasn't she? (Her and people on Strictly who will shortly be having their new contracts for the new series of that decided on.) Mandy Moore is now choreographing everything. Mandy Moore is choreographing this blog. (Chris sautes, not like the potato) Mandy Moore is choreographing your mum. Mandy Moore is choreographing choreography itself.

Anyway, it's a Mandy Moore group routine, and we've run through a yacht, the Riviera, a society wedding and now, a day at the races. Hang on, Mandy Moore appears to be choreographing the Tory Party (POLITICAL SATIREZ ON YOUR DANCE SHOW RECAPS!). Anyway the Top Twenty are all here, in outlandish neon high-fashion outfits. Cheekbones Ryan, Tumbledown Paige (who somehow remains upright throughout her portion, unlike Arlene), Italian Gian Luca (with really unfortunate hair), Evil Professional Stephanie, Cabbage Alice, Charlie Wheee!, Fierce Rithy, Fierce Shane, Katrina Ballerina, Tapper Tom, Danielle Of The Lack Of Nickname Potential, Lee-Boy, Scally, Israel's Mum's Son, Bethany-Rose Lee, and of course, front and centre, they know what the people paid to see, AndrogyLee. They all dance around to Party Rock Anthem, I object to the last live dancing we see all series being to flipping Party Rock Anthem, then the Top Four appear in really ugly ill-fitting silver suits, so it looks a bit like a shitty M & S advert just broke out.

Luke vamps, Katie Love looks disinterested, Matt pooches his face up and dances with his hand on his tummy like a dad at a wedding, Kirsty gives it more energy than I think the routine (or indeed any routine) warrants, I notice that the fashion girls hats that floated off their heads at the beginning on wires are dangling still in mid-air like grisly trophies, the lights come up, the end.

Right, now, time for half an hour of VTs.

Cat comes back in and fakes interest in these people for the last time. She tells us all it was great to see our Top Twenty again, and also that she didn't know if we noticed, but Scally managed to spin her weave off in the middle of the dance. I try not to pay attention to Scally to be honest. [I noticed, but it was hardly in the same league as Erin Boag's Dance-Off Of Hair Despair, so I couldn't muster much interest. - Steve] We're also requested to thank Mandy Moore, without whom the entire second half of this series literally WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Mandy waves like the jolly Postman Pat character she is.

The judges are then re-introduced, with Nigel waving a miniature Union Jack, having officially reached his last refuge, the scoundrel. Cat asks him if he thinks it's going to be a close call tonight. He lies that he does. He's then asked what the public should be looking for, and he shrugs that the lines have now closed, so nothing. They've got the votes, so he doesn't have to direct traffic any more. Although if you can try to squeeze another vote in for the three people up there who aren't Kirsty, he'd appreciate it. You never know, the voting tech might be broken. Lord knows everything else about this show is.

VT NOW! Let's find out what happened earlier. Well first of all Matt grabbed a camera backstage and blow-job faced "IT'S THE FINAL!" down it. Katie got her hair done to look more like Hordress The Confuser than ever before, and talked about how nervous she was. Then everyone had a big hug. Some producers are shown, just to reassure us that there are some. There is some intelligence guiding this show. Swurr.

Firstly there was that group routine I've already forgotten. Mandy Moore choreographed though I'll bet. Then Mandy Moore choreographed a jazz routine for Matt & Katie to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and it was a bit Bleh Bleh Bleh because Matt, for all they call him a chameleon, cannot give edge or attitude to save his life. We're then treated to a most unflattering show of Fat Deaf Old Kirsty Squatting down on the floor backstage like she's about to do a dump on the floor. I think she might be in Arlene's dressing room. Then Mandy Moore, using her Spanish name of Javier De Fruots, choreographed another Contemporary routine where people dressed in white and rolled around the floor to the sounds of a woman being overwrought (in this case, Sinead O Connor).

Then everyone ran around screaming before doing their solos, all choreographed by Mandy Moore, except Kirsty's which was, as usual, choreographed by Sparkle Motion director Kitty Farmer. [Nobody doubts Kirsty's commitment to Sparkle Motion. - Steve] Then both Katie/Luke and Matt/Kirsty did some indifferent ballroom, with Katie Love dressed as Kara Tointon (nice that Artem still has the dress). Finally Mandy Moore wore Bill Deamer as a skin-suit and choreographed two Broadway routines - one with Matt and Luke involving tap, and one for Kirsty and Katie which involved hoisting them up on on a giant hydraulic lift. Briefly my dream of Kirsty suffering a semi-serious injury, suing this show into the ground and living like a QUEEN was reignited. And then it died. All the judges say that everyone was amazing. Woo-hoo! Only seventy more VTs to go!

Oh, quick, another one! This time a recap of the whole series. Marc Almond the mime, that guy with the towels, Tom The Tapper being complimented (this is the auditions, natch), jazz vampires, group dance vampires, lots of vampires, hip-hop to the Archers, lots of rolling around in white shirts, Battle Of The Tappers, that routine to Crazy we don't talk about, H & Claire 2.0 (WITH LASERS!), Kate Prince occasionally being almost bearable, Kirsty and AndrogyLee making Adele almost bearable, Arlene smearing herself up and down Charlie Whee, Shane & Rithy (*sigh*), Katrina Ballerina doing one endearingly sloppy hip-hop routine and coasting on it forever and ever and ever and ever amen, seventy two routines we'd already seen on the US version, authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood, Lee C getting slagged six ways from Sunday every week, Israel's Mum, all the many feelings of ANGRY LUKE, hip-hop boot camp, hip hop skateboards, hip-hop Charlie Chaplin, Scally acting like a moron every week and everyone clapping along happily, Sisco having to be yanked into about five standing ovations, Tom having the personality of a pumpkin, Paige falling on her arse and spending the rest of the routine actively trying to make GianLuca do the same, Sisco throwing off his Loboutins, us getting to see Kate Prince's diary, that week they all threw spitwads at Katrina and called her a virgin because she couldn't salsa, AndrogyLee going to war, the dawning of the Age Of Hilarious, ANGRY LUKE in detention, Kirsty being Matt's Librarian Girl, Total Eclipse Of The Heart, homoerotic paso dobles, homoerotic gangsters, homoerotic homoeroticism,...it goes on.

You know who never features? Not even for a second? BARROWMAN. Quite right too.

Back to the judges now, and they're all asked for their highlights of the series. Louise says the boys paso from last week (involved Matt Flint), and Matt & Charlotte's jazz routine (involved Matt Flint). Arlene says the boys group jazz gangsters routine from the quarter finals (involved Matt Flint), and the Total Eclipse Of The Heart contemporary (involved Matt Flint). Sisco says the contestants growth, because he can remember most of the routines from this series about as well as I can. Nigel finishes by saying the boys group jazz gangster routine as well (involved Matt Flint), and also singles out that one time they gave Bethany-Rose Lee choreography that wasn't ball-achingly dreadful with the Spider-Woman routine, and it turned out she was a really good dancer, and probably the best woman on the show who wasn't hampered by being a specialist in hip-hop and being a foreign. Who knew? He then whitters on about growth as well, closing by saying that the TRUE WINNER HAS BEEN DAHNCE!

Sod off Nigel.

Here come the results! The finalists troop out, and eliminated first (although they never specifiy what position any of these people actually finish in. I mean, I can believe she did finish fourth, but they're awfully circumspect with their wording) is...Kirsty. [I call bullshit. I don't think she did finish fourth at all. I found it quite annoying, actually - why bother to claim that the public have all the power if you're going to mealymouth the actual finishing positions of everybody who wasn't Matt and therefore guaranteed to win? - Steve] She does a neat little curtsey, and Nigel does god-awful fake "I AM SHOCKED!" face. Oh Nigel, give it up. We get a VT (*drink*) of her Best Bits, which fails to live up to its name immediately when it features her in the glittery used space condom. That was NOBODY'S best bit. Back in the studio she melodramas and breaks down crying about how everyone at home has helped her achieve her dream and she hopes she can inspire other people to fulfil their dreams as well. Oh Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Darlene-Loving Compo-Queen Raggy-Doll Kirsty. You ham.

Finishing in being the second person to leave us tonight place is...Katie Love. Thankfully Nigel does not mime shock at this turn of events. At this point Matt and Luke are dispatched, pinching their noses like Frank Butcher the whole way. Katie's Best Bits follow, and they don't airbrush out Lee-Boy Stalin-style like I was expecting. Back in the studio she thanks everyone, including Cat, which is nice, because Cat is pretty much the one constant of good in this whole show, and I'm glad more people are recognising this than they did last year. Katie Love just about holds it together until she gets off stage. Top Girl eh? Whoever said that hoovering up to Arlene never paid off?

What now then? PERFORMING VIA VT, IT'S J-LO! Whoever that is. It sounds like it might be Jennifer Lopez, but like she's appearing on this show. Whoever it is, they're clearly one Pokemon evolution behind K-Lo, and therefore shouldn't be performing after her elimination. Get L-Lo out here instead. Maybe she can crash a car into the judges table and snort cocaine off Louise's face and get Samantha Ronson to do a club remix of the theme tune or something. It'd be more exciting than J-Lo here, descending to the floor in a giant heart made out of question marks (kind of a metaphor for this entire show really), the bouncing around in a bukkake splattered catsuit that makes her look like a particularly sprightly 50 year old in a spinning class, doing her single from three months ago. Sadly Ryan Cheekbones and Evil Professional Stephanie don't join her with their SEXY LASERS. Boo. Could have boosted the star power a little. [Also, the quintessential J-Lo SYTYCD performance always has been and always will be this. - Steve]

Another VT now : Matt and Luke both have feelings about winning. Luke moreso obviously.

Out to the stage again, all our VTs done with, one can only hope. To announce the winner. Who is...

MATTFLINTMANIA!

I'm so glad that this series is over, and now the most predictable thing in my life is once again the sun rising in the morning. Pyros go off, Kirsty runs onto the stage SCREAMING like a fire-engine, and Katie Love saunters gingerly after her. Then everyone else charges on, and envelops Matt in a giant group hug. Cat acts like we're about to see Matt's Best Bits, but then the VT doesn't cue up. I think maybe because Angry Luke has already run backstage and is smashing everything up with a golf club and screaming "WHYYYYYYYY? WHY AM I ALWAYS SECOND FUCKING BEST? WHYYYYYYYYY?". Let's just say there's a reason there was no second place interview this year.

Cat fills frantically, asking him how he feels. He says that he feels great that he had this stage to show off his passion, and that everyone supported him and voted for him. Nigel is then asked if he thinks Matt is a worthy winner, as the backstage crew attempt to hold Angry Luke down and tie him up with electrical cord. Nigel says yes, of course, and he'll be so glad to take Matt to Hollywood where he'll fit right in. Angry Luke detaches a sink from the dressing room walls and bashes an Executive Producer over the head with it as water gushes everywhere.

(Sidebar : Series 1 champion Charlie Bruce is launching a girlband soon. This is a well known route to continuing success for ex-reality tv contestants. I hear that Chanelle, Joanna The Cleaner From Leicester, and Imogen Thomas are the other four members)

Cat asks Matt if he wants to give a message to the people at home who voted for him. Angry Luke shoves Sisco into a corner, holds a comb-handle to his eyeball, and asks him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Matt brags a bit about never having been in the bottom two, but he's talking to people who voted for him, so not me, so I'm not really listening. Angry Luke downs a pint of Carling and deep-throat snogs Jamie Redknapp in a cupboard. The rest of the Top Twenty runs up to hug Matt. Angry Luke just stands there, in the car-park outside Television Centre crying, hugging himself. The Top Twenty hoist Matt up on their shoulders, their hero, and carry him off into the sunset. Angry Luke lifts an abandoned shopping-trolley over his head, throws it at the moon reflected in a lake, howls at the moon, and runs off into the night. Again.

This is the end.

So Many Feelings.

(Thank you for reading. Well done Matt - my 7th favourite of the finalists is still better than Charlie Bruce was. If this show is not cancelled, we may be back.)

Luke Jackson, Katie Love and Kirsty Swain in: "So You Think You Can Be The Runner-Up?"

2011-06-12T10:39:00.009+01:00

Final Four: 11th June 2011

It's the final! You know what that means (VTs? - Chris) : we start with a montage that takes us back to last autumn, a time of innocence and dreams, back before it became apparent that this show just really doesn't have much of an audience in the UK, and that the only decent routines we were going to get would be lifted from the American version. I remember those times; I was so happy then. Sigh. Anyway, Cat tries gamely to remain enthusiastic as she reminds us that dancers from all over the country came to audition, but only the very best (and Paige) made the Top 20. The dancers fought to stay in the competition, but now, only four remain: Katie Love (*blows kiss*), Fat Deaf Old Kirsty (*vamping grin*), Angry Luke (*raises eyebrow*), and MattFlintMania (*obnoxious finger guns*). Cat tells us that the dancers' future is in our hands, as if anything we could do tonight is going to derail the inevitable MattFlintMania victory. Really, it's a fight for second place (and thanks to the stupid vague way they'll be announcing the results, we can't even be 100% sure who gets that, so THANKS NIGEL). There can only be one winner, and it's going to be Matt, but we're still going to take over 90 minutes to get there!

SHANNYNSOSSAMONDANCE!

In a slight deviation from usual practice, there's no immediate link into an opening number or intro to the dancers this week; instead, Cat's straight out onto the stage, bearing wavy hair and a tight red dress not a million miles away from the catsuit Britney Spears wore in the 'Oops! I Did It Again' video. She tells us that we've seen over 100 routines over the series (bet you can't name five of them), as well as plenty of arguments from the panel and a few injuries, chiefly to Kirsty's forehead, but somehow they made it all the way to the final, and this year no one got maimed in final rehearsals! (Poor Robbie. I feel bad for him that the various "what last year's finalists are doing" features ignore him entirely - he did qualify for the final, after all, he just had that bad breakup with the doctor he was dating.) Tonight, our votes will decide whether Matt, Matt, Matt or Matt will be announced as Britain's Favourite Dancer 2011, but to kill some time before we get to that point, each contestant will perform three partner routines, a solo, and a group number. Also, in the live results show later, there's a performance from Jennifer Lopez, because she owed Nigel a few favours after he basically singlehandedly revived her career with the American Idol gig.

Because the finale is somehow not fillerific enough, the judges each get a special intro: Cat suggests that Sisco can pull off shoulderpads and a corset (he really can't, Cat); the ridiculously loud "backing" music drowns out the entirety of Louise's intro, so we'll never know what Cat said, but frankly I'm taking this as an inside gag about how no one's bothered to listen to Louise all series anyway. Arlene is "the original West End Girl", and Nigel is "the God of dance", and breaks out a few moves including some jazz hands upon his arrival, which leaves Cat giggling.

The next in a series of about 20,000 VTs tonight reminds us that the winner will win £50,000, the chance to dance in Hollywood (including genuine footage of Charlie Bruce on the final of So You Think You Can Dance season 7 to assure us that this is indeed a genuine prize), and of course, the title of Britain's Favourite Dancer. Because that's really the clincher that you leave to the end. Back in the studio, Cat assures us that this is totally a fantastic prize, and turns to the judges for some initial thoughts. Nigel compliments her on her dress, and Cat says that she "pawed"/"poured" herself into it (I can't really tell what she said, but frankly the dress is a feat of engineering so whatever way she got in there is bound to challenge the laws of physics in some way). Cat asks what's in store tonight after the wonders of vampires, geishas and birds of paradise that we've had this series, and Nigel says that everyone has to do their best tonight and stand out from the crowd in order to win votes. Cat adds that it's all about personality too, and Nigel screams "NO IT FUCKING ISN'T, CAT, IT'S ABOUT DAHNCE, AND IF ANYONE EVEN THINKS ABOUT VOTING FOR KIRSTY I'LL FUCKING KILL THEM." Oh hang on, that's actually at the end of the show. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Cat turns to Arlene and asks her how it feels to have lost control, because that is of course a state of affairs that Arlene is deeply familiar with. Oh, my mistake: to have lost control of the outcome of this show. Silly me. Arlene declares it "scary" and says that the viewers must use this power seriously, because with great power comes great responsibility, or something. Also, she says we should vote for who we love, because she at least understands the basic set-up of this show.

Time for a performance, at bloody last: the group number is a pop-jazz routine to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now'. It starts with Angry Luke and K-Lo being lowered from the ceiling on wires, with FDOFPFPNC Kirsty and MattFlintMania following suit. Kirsty is sporting a truly joyous shit-eating grin, while Matt has his arms out in a Messianic manner, not that we should perhaps read too much into this. It's not really the best example of the group numbers from this series: for one thing, Kirsty's out of time with the others at several points (in this sense it is probably the best example of a group routine from this series -Chris), and there's a bit of a freestyle section in the middle eight that would be a total mess if it weren't for Luke pulling his leg up right next to his head (I'm really going to miss that). There are good bits, though - a brief can-can section, some nice leaps and partner work, and LUKE PLAYING HIS LEG LIKE A GUITAR. On Strictly that would be an awful gimmick, but on Luke, it works. I doubt they're ever going to plunder this cast for future Strictly Come Dancing pros, but if they do, I hope Luke's at the top of the list. And Kirsty. Can you imagine Kirsty as a Strictly pro? (No - Chris) I can, and it's DELICIOUS. It ends, with pyrotechnics, because we're pushing the boat out tonight.

Cat reads out the voting numbers, even though the lines aren't opening for ages yet. From there, we go straight into our first couple dance of the night: Katie and Matt in a jazz routine to 'Heads Will Roll' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's got a sort of bizarro Alice In Wonderland theme to it - with Katie as the Queen of Hearts and Matt as...I dunno, some flunky. Matt is wearing a jacket with massive shoulderpads that was probably borrowed from Sisco's wardrobe, tight silver jeans, and mid-calf boots that accentuate the fact that he's quite wee. Katie is wearing a black and red dress with the closest you can get to shoulderpads on thin straps, and red tartan ankle boots. God only knows, quite frankly. I think K-Lo is slightly better than Matt in this routine - her moves are sharper and have more definition, and he seems to be slightly behind the beat at points. It's quite a good routine, hampered slightly by occasional uncertainty in movement from both parties, but features some nice flips and tricks.

Cat summons them over and asks Matt if he's been borrowing Lee B's leggings. Nigel crows that they'll find out who'll be sitting in that throne later on tonight. Matt turns around to look at it, and shrugs "'S gone." Oh, all right: heh. He says that he always thought a boy would win the competition, though obviously it could be ANY BOY, it could still be GIAN LUCA. However, he credits K-Lo for keeping up throughout the routine, and applauds Mandy Moore's choreography. He loved Mandy Moore's choreography, and thinks this was a really good start, but he still wants more from them later. Arlene says that they're the king and queen of dance, and that the routine was a retro-pleasure. She liked seeing Matt as a New Romantic (okay then), and liked that Katie offered up a performance as opposed to just being technically very good. Louise has enjoyed seeing them do what they do best, and liked seeing Matt being quirky and Katie being tougher. Sisco thinks Matt's had a great run throughout the competition, while Katie has had things tougher, "with the partners you've had". OOF. However, he adds, she's always been amazing, and calls her "a blimming star". Cat's all, "eh, fuck the judges, public vote innit."

With our second routine of the night, we now have Kirsty and Luke, doing some contemporary dance to 'Nothing Compares 2U'. Much as with last week's 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' number, this is exactly how you'd expect it to be - billowing outfits (Luke's chest is on display, of course) and lots of overwrought emotion. I'm actually disappointed that Luke and Kirsty weren't partnered sooner, because with her faces and his FEELINGS, there's so much potential there. The routine is notable primarily for Kirsty looking a bit dizzy after being spun around by Luke, for Luke planting a big smacker on Kirsty's lips TWICE, and for a bit where, much to my distress, Kirsty's lying on the floor trying to kick Luke away and then he climbs on top of her and they both start rolling up and down, and...was that meant to look as rapacious as it did? Anyway, beyond that there's a lot of leaping (which Kirsty does very well, I might add) and it ends with the two of them staring into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, with so many unspoken FEELINGS.

Cat: "I liked that - more kissing, less fighting." Louise tells Kirsty that she wears her heart on her sleeve when she dances, and THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE HER. (I like her because she does things like point to her face and bellow "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!". Sod off telling me why I like people Louise - Chris) She adds that Kirsty's got better and better, but needs to remember to be light on their feet. Luke's flexibility is amazing, and she's going to miss his leg extensions next week. Cat suggests that Luke takes a picture for Louise to keep on her phone (I'd say she could get fired for that, but it's not like anyone on this show has a job after tonight anyway(or gives a shit about what Louise does. Remember the week she came out with worm-shit all over her face and nobody said a thing? - Chris)) and Louise responds that she was hoping Luke would teach that move to Jamie. I concur, and suggest this is commissioned as a six-part spin-off series. I don't care, as long as I get to see it. Sisco thinks Luke is a true survivor who always demonstrates great technique, and always shows his technical brilliance as well as an emotional connection. He loves Kirsty's vulnerability, and while she may not be the most technical dancer here, she's still brilliant because she works with what she has. There's a distinct note of "we like Kirsty really, please don't give her a sympathy vote win" to these critiques tonight, isn't there? Nigel says that despite the song title, they must of course compare this to something that Matt did and find it wanting: specifically, his contemporary routine with Katie from last week, which I personally didn't think was all that, but there you go. He thinks Kirsty is a sensational performer who sells the dance with her face. He asks if they've done their best, because that's all anyone can ask, "and if you've done that, I'm happy for you." Oh, OUCH. (Quite. Why not pat her fucking head whilst you're at it Nigel? - Chris) Cat asks them if they indeed feel they've done their best, still having not entirely twigged that she needs to be looking at Kirsty when she talks to her, because there's a little pause while Kirsty tries to figure out what question she's responding to, eventually plumping for a fairly neutral "I gave it my all". Luke agrees that he's happy with their performance. Arlene thinks "nothing compares to you two, so far", telling Kirsty that Javier (De Frutos, I'm guessing, though quite a few of the choreographers tonight aren't really getting their credits) has done a fantastic job on her, and Luke that he touches and feels the air.

It's solo time at this point, but to give everyone a bit more time to get changed, we have of course (OF COURSE - Chris) got some VTs. Katie's up first, and confesses that when she did her first audition, she was worried that the judges would hate it. While the judges loved her initial routine, she eventually got a rather more disgusted reaction when she was part of the team behind the infamous Walk Of Shame dance at Choreography Camp, along with Luke, Bethany Rose and somebody called Daniel whom I've pretty much forgotten, but probably still got more screentime during the auditions than Alice, Danielle, Katrina or AndrogyLee. Nigel called this the worst choreography to a piece of music that he'd ever seen, because he hadn't yet seen that awful mess that Ryan, Alice and Kirsty were given for the Meet The Top 20 show. K-Lo didn't think she'd make the Top 20, but then Louise called and told her that SHE HAD, HOORAY! One of Katie's favourite routines was her lyrical hip hop piece with Lee-Boy in the first competitive week, because that was the first couple routine that she did on the show. She recalls getting some amazing feedback from the judges (oddly, this is illustrated with Arlene hollering that Katie was "right out of Gossip Girl", so okay), and she also loved her contemporary piece with Matt last week. Overall, she's just chuffed to be in the final, and grateful to everyone who put her here. At this, she brings it on home: "It's a dream come true. That sounds a bit corny, doesn't it? But it's the highlight of my life. I turned up to one audition one day, and off the back of that I'm here, and I don't really know what I've done to deserve it." Suddenly I feel like Katie Love was actually this awesome person we never got to know properly because the show wanted her to have the "brilliant technician, needs to develop personality" edit.

After I've finished wiping my eyes, Katie performs her solo to Leona Lewis's cover of 'Run' (Katie Love's music choices for her solos are disappointingly MOR, even by this show's standards), and it's good - very light, very floaty, lots of spinning and turning and very deft technical manoeuvres, and a real emotional hit behind it all. Probably the best solo of the night, I think.

She walks over for a cuddle with Cat, who asks her about her most memorable moment, and Katie says that her highlight was last week, doing Mandy Moore's contemporary choreography on this show with Matt. Good choice. She thanks Mandy for the experience, and Cat reminds us that Katie RAN ACROSS THE STAGE AND THREW HERSELF AT MATT, JUST LIKE WE THE AUDIENCE SHOULD DO WHEN THE VOTING OPENS LATER! Or something. Cat tells us that if we think Katie should become Britain's favourite dancer, we should call the number shown on screen. Katie responds to this with an "oh, don't be daft" handwave. Seriously: I wish I'd appreciated her more earlier in the series.

Next up for VT Exposure is Matt. He turned up to his audition in an Olly Murs-style Twat Hat, which I think was the moment that the seeds of my dislike for him were sown. Matt says that his ambition was always to make the final, and we see him tap his way to a golden ticket. He goes on to say that he was really lucky to be partnered with Charlotte, though he's too polite to add that this is because she made him look both better and smarter, instead saying that they were well-matched and she was a good friend. He recalls the standing ovation (minus Sisco) they got for the Broadway routine, and that they were being seen as a happy-go-lucky type couple, so he was glad when they got to show another side with a contemporary routine. He blathers on about seeing his parents every week in the audience, and that they've given him so much, and he hopes this can be a way of repaying them. Somehow I doubt he means the £50,000. He concludes that being in the show was awesome, and he's going to miss it very much. Though he'll get to be on it again when the Season 8 US finale rolls around, so I'm not crying so much here.

Matt solos for us to 'Ain't Got No, I Got Life' by Nina Simone. Tappa tappa tappa. Tappa tappa tappa. Mostly throughout this routine I am mesmerised by the solid immovability of his quiff, which bounces up and down with him without a single strand falling out of place. I could seriously use a hairspray like that. It ends with a somersault, which he slides out of across the front of the stage, basically hurling his crotch into the camera. I didn't really need that. Another standing ovation from three judges, another standing no-vation from Sisco. Interesting.

Cat's all "eh, it was okay. Couldn't you have done something MORE FUCKING SPECTACULAR at the end?", all jokey-jokey, and Matt suggest she give it a go, then. Cat scoffs at the very idea: "In this dress? You must be mad! We'd be taken off the air!" I think you're getting taken off the air after tonight anyway, Cat, so I say go for it. She asks for his favourite moment, and he says again that it was being paired with Charlotte, because the competition is not just about dance, it's also about coming over well in your VT (ha!), and she made that easy for him. He's got a point: I challenge anyone not to look good in comparison after spending five weeks coupled with someone who's all "WHAT AM A FOXTROT? LOOK A DONKEY!" Cat reads out Matt's voting number, Matt threatens to pick her up, Cat threatens to end him if he so much as tries it.

Kirsty's VT next, and she opens it by saying that when she was a little girl, she expected to be on TV, which is such a Lauren Samuels level of ill-advised comment, I can't even begin to describe it. Girls should never expect anything, Kirsty! Girls must be grateful at all times that we even remember they're there! (She probably meant Crimewatch as part of an all-girl cat-burgling team - Chris) She says that as she got older, she realised those were just dreams, and says that she wanted it so bad when she did the audition, and it was a real kick to make the Top 20. Once there, she surprised us all by actually being quite good, and she says that she's danced "every genre possible" (perhaps not all of them, but she's certainly had to adapt to a wider range of styles than pretty much everyone else left standing at this point) and while the Bollywood and Argentine Tango routines were highlights, she can't pick an overall favourite because she loved it all. She adds that it hasn't always been easy for her (shot of Kirsty faceplanting on the Unsecured Table O' Doom) and she has struggled in rehearsals because she can't always hear the music as well as everybody else, but she's wanted to dance ever since she was a little girl, and it makes her very emotional. She's very grateful to be in the Top 4, and thinks she's the luckiest girl in the world to have had the public voting for her.

She solos to Britney Spears' 'I'm A Slave For You', and it's definitely better than both of her previous solos, if still not in the same league as everyone else. That's kind of all there is to say really. And she does the splits at the end.

Cat tells Kirsty that enough of that "no favourites" nonsense, she needs to pick her most-cherished routine NOW, dammit. Kirsty opts for the Bollywood routine, because of the costume and because of Lee, saying that it made her feel like a superstar when he stuck her on his shoulder and paraded her around the stage.

Finally in the solo branch, it's Angry Luke. We see his audition, back when he had normal-person hair (I know Chris will disagree with me on this, but I prefer his mad white-blonde hair, personally) (eh - Chris) and he explains that he was nervous and unsure if he wanted to do this when he turned up. He too relives the horror of Choreography Camp where he unwisely took on Nigel with the "walking is as good as dancing" argument, and thought that he might have cost him his place in the competition, which is why he spoke up for himself. Still, it didn't hurt him in the end, because he made it here to show us his chest and his FEELINGS and his leg extensions, and I for one am very glad indeed. Luke thinks his real turnaround week was beating the Latin curse with his paso doble, and he thinks the whole experience has been phenomenal because it's built up his confidence in himself. He gets a bit weepy and relates that his mum has been there for him throughout this experience, as she has been for his entire life, and he hopes that he's shown her he has done something with his life. He adds that the finale has crept up on him, and perhaps now he can finally take a step back and admit to himself that he's done well in something. Everybody wanting to give Angry Luke a big hug at this point, please form an orderly queue behind me.

Luke's solo is to 'Love Don't Let Me Go' by David Guetta, and opens with the obligatory leg extension, before moving into a routine that's a little funkier and less emo than the solos I've come to expect from Luke, with a bit of body-popping and armography and crotch-thrusting and cheeky winks. I kind of prefer him when he's going batshit to Take That, but this is good too. Especially since he's wearing jeans that show off every muscle in his legs, and a vest that allows proper examination of his arms.

Cat asks Luke for his personal highlight, and he thinks the vampire routine from week one, where he was hanging from the ceiling and realised he was part of something special. After the voting number is read out, Luke gives Cat one last wink and scarpers.

More pairs now, and Kirsty and Matt are up first - but before that, of course, there's a VT - this time featuring contributions from their loved ones. Kirsty's parents say that they never expected she would be on this show because her hearing made things difficult for her, but that made her more determined. Kirsty's best friend Jennifer says that she's always been proud of Kirsty, but even more so now. Kirsty's friend Joanne says that it would be fantastic if Kirsty won, and Joanne's daughter (I assume) Ava says that Kirsty is "really good at dancing". Matt's aunt Jan says that she feels "absolutely choked" when she sees Matt dancing, but adds "with pride" before I can contribute my agreement to this sentiment. Dammit. Also, 'Hometown Glory', aka the worst song in the entire world, plays underneath this segment, so I'm almost inclined to skip the whole godforsaken thing, but I'm a professional (LOL - Chris), so I shall continue. His father Edward says that he's so proud of "Matthew" that he wants to cry. So he does. Sharon, Matt's mum, calls her husband "a daft bat". Matt's highly attractive girlfriend Dominique says she would be ecstatic if he won, and says that she never quite realised how incredible he is until she saw him on the show.

They're dancing an American Smooth foxtrot to the Candlelight Mix of 'Heaven' by DJ Sammy. The dancing's a little jerky in places, but for the most part they're graceful and smooth, with some lovely lines, and really selling the emotion of the dance, not that I'd expect anything less from these two. There's another stuttery part in the middle during a spin (for some reason, the spins seem to be the point where most contestants go wrong) but they get things back on track for the end, where Kirsty throws herself around Matt's neck and Matt holds his arms out all Jesus-like. Again.

They have a hug and a little kiss afterwards, which Cat notes was not part of the official choreography (ZOMG WATCHOUTDOMINIQUE! - Chris). There's a shot of Katya and Klaus in the audience, so I'm assuming this was their handiwork. Arlene tells Matt that he mastered the foxtrot with such grace and style, that he had the swing and the sway (shot of Matt gurning unattractively into the audience, like, pay a-fucking-ttention, Flint) and that she thinks lots of women must be wishing he was leading them right now. Kirsty allowed herself to be led, which Arlene thinks she doesn't do often, and she's the first girl Arlene has seen do the very difficult heel-turn, so she offers up her congratulations. Louise thinks there was a lot of romance on the stage, and that Matt was so smooth he could dance in a puddle without making a splash, while Kirsty is a star. Sisco loved the commitment they both contributed, and he thinks they were both stunning. Nigel thought when it was a foxtrot to a song called 'Heaven', that it would be the one that goes "Heaven, I'm in heaven..." - apparently nobody told Nigel that that song is in fact called 'Cheek To Cheek'. So he was surprised that it was a slow lyrical piece rather than a big personality number, but it doesn't matter because this was the first time tonight he's seen partners truly connect. Katya's throwing her arms out in the audience, all "FUCKING YES!"

More VT, anyone? (NO, FUCKING NO, NO, FUCK OFF VTS - Everyone) Katie's brother Chris talks about what a joy it is to see his little sister on TV, and he thinks she's done brilliantly. Katie's smoking hot boyfriend Huw says that she's been dancing all her life and it's everything to her, and while he misses her, he loves seeing her do what she loves. Katie's aunt Jo can't even talk about her without crying. Katie's parents John and Sue are incredibly proud of her. Luke's best friend Abigail thinks he's got what it takes to go all the way. His stepdad David says that Luke's in the competition to prove to himself that he's got what it takes, and that they completely believe in him. Abigail reappears to say that he's an amazing dancer and an amazing person, and his mum Julie ends it awesomely: "to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer would be the icing on the cake, but then I've always known he's the best dancer." Excuse me, I have something in my eye. (Use a tissue next time. Or a sock. It can sting - Chris)

They have a tango to Grace Jones's 'I've Seen That Face Before (Libertango)', with Katie wearing a dress looking very similar to one sported by Kara Tointon on Strictly, the lilac one with the black trim and the cut-outs. It's set in a masquerade ball, though only Katie is wearing a mask. Despite the need for intricate footwork in a tango, the producers have in their infinite wisdom, decided to flood the stage with dry ice so we can't see a bloody thing. The ganchos are a little sluggish, and a few of the movements are a bit too studied, but there's some lovely intent in there, and these two smoulder like two very blonde smouldery things.

Artem is in the audience, so we'll assume this was his work. Kristina is also sat next to him, but for some reasons this show steadfastly refuses to credit her for anything, so who knows if she was involved or not? Arlene says that the tango is the dance of seduction, and tonight they seduced each other, her eyes, and her heart. Nigel disagrees - he thought it started out well, but the technique wasn't good because the ganchos weren't sharp and dangerous enough. Sisco sneers at Nigel and throws technicality out of the window, because he thought they were sexy and charming. Louise thought it was dark and passionate, and she loved Katie bringing her sense of style, and Luke really fighting for the title.

At this point, the phone lines open. Vote for whoever you like! I mean, if you vote for anyone other than Matt, you're throwing your money away, but still: democracy in action. And this is in no way bitterness from someone who voted several times for Luke and Kirsty.

To round things off, it's time for the homoerotic routines. First up are the boys, and I'm sure it will SHOCK YOU TO YOUR VERY CORE to discover that they're doing a Broadway tap routine. Apparently Luke let slip a few weeks back that he had a bit of tap training, at which point currency symbols appeared in Nigel's eyes as he realised this was yet further fuel for MATTFLINTMANIA. (But, but, but they draw the dance on this show ENTIRELY RANDOMLY, so etc etc etc... - Chris) Bill Deamer is choreographing, and says that it's a genre all of its own, and there are no half measures. Nigel drops in on rehearsals to see how things are going, just as they're getting to grips with the routine. Luke mutters that he's messing up now that Nigel's here to watch. SO MANY FEELINGS. Nigel interviews that they have to be completely together, because it'll be very obvious if one of them makes a mistake. He demonstrates to Luke the difference between UK and American tap, the latter of which is apparently much lower on the ground, telling Luke he's "too high". Luke interviews in turn that this is a really big challenge for him because he's not a tapper (don't take it to heart, Luke, Tom was a tapper and it never did him any favours) but he's going to give it a go. Poor Luke. He deserves more than to just be a prop leading to Matt's inevitable victory. Nigel tells them to just do their best.

They're dancing to 'Puttin' On The Ritz' by Fred Astaire. First and foremost, I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms that there is nothing remotely homoerotic about this routine. Why have the boys perform together if they're not going to gay it up? I mean, I know we were spoilt with last week's paso doble, but this is still entirely unacceptable. The good news is that Luke is absolutely up to the task of a tap routine and gives Matt a damn good run for his money, just like I was hoping he would. Matt is obviously great because this is his JAHNRE, but my eyes are on Luke throughout. It ends, and they're both beaming; Luke in particular is all "I can't believe that worked!" Full standing ovation from the judges, Bill Deamer gives them a thumbs-up from the audience. Cat steals one of their discarded top hats and wanders around looking like a less embarrassed version of Amanda Holden in Big Top.

Nigel thinks that Luke held his own in Matt's back yard. Should we really be bringing up what these people get up to in their private lives, Nigel? He thinks that some of Luke's taps were better than Matt's, while some of Matt's leaps were longer than Luke's, so he's amused that they've swapped skills. He wishes them both luck and announces that he believes one of them will win tonight. "But which one, Nigel?" asks absolutely no one. Arlene thinks Luke razzle-dazzled with elegance (I'd let him razzle-dazzle my excellence etc etc- Chris), while Arlene thinks Matt might have two feet leaping all the way to Hollywood. Louise thinks it doesn't get better than that, and congratulates Matt for his spot-on tapping, and Luke for his versatility (I'll thank Luke for his versatility etc etc - Chris). Sisco loves seeing Matt in his element (has he really ever been out of it? It's not like he ever drew hip hop or anything), while Luke might be sailing ahead. They tap offstage.

Time for the girls to take over. Giant Lady is choreographing them a routine to 'Defying Gravity' from Wicked. She tells them to channel their inner Thelma & Louise. Which one's which? I'd put good money on Kirsty being Thelma, with Katie as Louise. Katie's happy for it to be just the girls in the studio, while Kirsty observes that it's a duet with a lot of contact, and if things don't work, then it could be dangerous (shot of Kirsty falling off Katie in rehearsals). Arlene pops in for a surprise visit, which leads them both to panic. She advises them both to ensure that moves that mirror each other her really do mirror each other. Arlene interviews that she's excited about the top two girls, but they're very different dancers. She loves Katie, but Katie is a technical dancer who isn't always the best performer. Kirsty does not have the technique (Arlene tells her off for "cutesy hands"), but she has great performance skills and is lovable. Giant Lady says that we need big, theatrical spectacle, and that they're putting the girls on a platform that any dancer would kill to be on.

The track has been absolutely butchered to hell in the edit (I don't mind if they have to cut it all up to suit the natural beats of the routine, but at least try to edit it smoothly so it's not crashing and honking one second and deathly quiet the next) and the routine is very flowing, almost contemporary in its feel. As much as I love Kirsty, Katie's clearly better here - she just has the nuances down and is a little bit more fleet of foot, though Kirsty's giving it her all. The mirroring's pretty good, albeit not perfect, and there's a nice lift of Katie by Kirsty. At the end, they take hands (and Katie gives a brilliant "you ready?" look at Kirsty at this point that's more of a statement than a question) and then they rush to the front of the stage...where they have to frantically clamber onto a teeny platform over huge swathes of fabric and cling on for dear life as the teeny platform is borne aloft and the fabric fans over the stage. Now, I love a good West End spectacle as much as the next person, but there is almost no dancing in the last 15 seconds or so of this routine. This is not So You Think You Can Grab Onto A Pole (although obviously I would watch that and recap it in excruciating detail) (If Angry Luke was on it etc etc - Chris), so I feel they've been slightly shortchanged in terms of having an opportunity to really show themselves off when the dramatic climax to their routine is barely even about them.

Cat gives them a second to untangle themselves and beckons them over. Sisco is jealous that he didn't have that for his entrance - he thinks it was a great ending, and Kirsty was believable and in her element, while Katie was a star. Louise thinks Kirsty lives and breathes dance, and her face comes alive on stage, while Katie performed out to the room for a change. Arlene thinks there's a softness and appeal in Katie's dancing, and there's no question that Arlene loves her. She thinks Kirsty is the archetypal little girl who wants to dance, and while she wishes that Kirsty had more technique, she dances from the heart. Nigel thinks everything has been said - it's down to the public now, and a man's winning anyway, so this routine is totally irrelevant anyway. (MattFlintMania's winning - everything is totally irrelevant - Chris)

So that's it for the competitive dance portion of the competition. There's a lengthy recap of all of the evening's performances, because Lord knows we're not even close to our full allocation of VTs tonight. The final four dancers rejoin Cat on the stage and Cat turns to the room all "are you NOT entertained?" Oh, and here's where we get the ugly bit: Nigel speaks up to protect his own integrity, apparently, saying that "dancing is 50% performance, 50% technique, and I think we've all got to remember tonight that it isn't just performance we're voting on, it is So You Think You Can Dance, and dance needs technique as well." Which is basically a long-winded way of saying "DON'T VOTE FOR KIRSTY" in a way that is intended not to sound like that. Also, I'd object to this a lot less if Nigel hadn't spent half the season justifying controversial decisions with "it's Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's best dancer!", so this last-minute moving of the goalposts is unseemly. If he didn't want to take Kirsty over to dance on the US show's season finale, then he should've thought of that sooner. Although frankly this whole conversation takes place in a universe where there's any doubt of Matt winning the whole thing, and that is not the universe I know, so it feels like an entirely wasted gesture anyway.

Arlene is asked who stood out, and she thinks the boys did with their tap routine, which made her "heart beat in the rhythm of their feet". I'm going to miss Arlene. Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber can give her a job when one of his shows is occupying this timeslot next year. Louise thinks it's tough to call a frontrunner at this point ("Matt!" shouts someone from the audience, who clearly is not finding this particular call anywhere near as difficult as Louise apparently is), and refers back to the "it's the public's decision of who wins, so I'm not going to say anything." God, just answer the fucking question, Louise. No one listens to you anyway, so it's not like anyone's going to hold you to it. Sisco also sits on the fence, saying that everyone has done well and they all deserve to win. Cat thanks the judges for their services over the evening, and reminds us of the phone numbers one last time.

Coming up in the results show: the return of the Top 20 dancers, and international megastar Jennifer Lopez. Also: Matt wins. Oops, spoiler! (YOU'VE RUINED THE IMPACT OF MY ENTIRE RECAP NOW THANKS A LOT *quits* - Chris)

A Schue-in

2011-06-05T17:21:00.009+01:00

Top 6 Results: 4th June 2011

Previously: AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose rifled through Sisco's wardrobe and then showed us their murky cha cha, MattFlintMania and Katie Love did something that is exactly what you'd expect a contemporary dance interpretation of 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' to look like, and Angry Luke and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty went to prom together as friends, but THEY TOTALLY GOT INVITES FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND CHOSE NOT TO ACCEPT THEM OKAY. Having thus established that we were in for a gay old time, the show then climaxed with an all-male paso doble that left me feeling like I needed a cigarette afterwards (and I say this as someone who has never smoked in his life), and an all-female contemporary routine covered in glitter confetti with a Bette Midler soundtrack. Seriously: so much gay.

STEPHENSONDHEIMCANDANCE!

We start with another group number, to the Glee version of 'Proud Mary'. Everyone's dressed as 1960s fashion victims on Carnaby Street, by which I mean the ladies have all got black bobcut wigs on, with pink minidresses and thigh-high boots, and then men are all in tight black tops and trousers, and accessorised with white belts and a white target painted on their chests. With those wigs on, it is quite difficult to tell the women apart. I hadn't realised how reliant I was on things like Katie Love's pink hair to identify people. Anyway, they proceed with a fun Broadway number with lots of cute sixties touches, and Luke is vamping away like a good'un. Cat arrives and declares peace, and most of them give V-signs (the nice kind) back to her, apart from Matt who ignores her entirely. Cat thanks Bill Deamer for choreographing that routine, and I wonder why Bill couldn't have been around more often this series, as I've really enjoyed both of his routines tonight. Also, Cat's hair needs a good brushing. You're a Pantene spokeswoman, Cat. I'm sure there is something in your contract that forbids you from going on television looking like this.

Highlights from earlier: with Lee's hair slicked back, Bethany Rose vowed to "flick for the both of us". DIRTY! She tells us that she loved dancing with Lee and couldn't ask for anything more. Matt was "technically flawless", per Sisco, and says backstage that he felt that they were both just really in the moment. Kirsty got a rave review from Sisco [and hence from nobody - Chris] and hurled under the bus Jenny-style by everyone else. Her acting is half-baked! Dogs hate Kirsty! Kirsty is not small and truthy like Danielle is! Kirsty responds to this by fleeing the stage in tears, and crying to the make-up team that she couldn't see anything because of all the hair in her face. Oof. Lee was ecstatic to have some of his best feedback of the season (I hope he's not including Nigel's "the public hate you, you're going home tonight" in that, because if so he has really low self-esteem). Louise thought Katie was perfect, and Katie thinks that she needed to raise her game, and hopes that she did that tonight. Luke looked better in a lilac suit than anyone has any right to, and was pretty awesome on the dancefloor as well (though I'm disappointed not to get a chance to revisit his madbonkers solo here), and he's really happy with the judges' comments.

Cat assures everyone that they've all been phenomenal tonight, but they do need to put two more guys and two more girls in the danger zone. She's going to start with the girls: Katie's contemporary routine earned a standing ovation, and Arlene thought she delivered tonight; Bethany got some good feedback but almost none of it is repeated here; Kirsty was thrown under the bus entirely. The first girl through to the final is...Kirsty! Kirsty gapes, Bethany Rose smiles affectionately, Katie Love looks impassive. So Katie and Bethany Rose are dancing for their lives, to no one's surprise. Cat urges them to give it everything they've got.

Same deal for the guys: Luke's Broadway routine got rave reviews all round; Matt's contemporary routine took Nigel by surprise; Lee delivered as always. The guy who is safe and through to the final is...Matt. Again, absolutely no surprise there, and I think I include everyone on stage when I say it, though Matt at least makes a decent fist of being humble about it all. On the bright side: this means we get solos from Luke and Lee B, both of which should be AMAZING.

Katie's up first, performing to 'Then You Look At Me' by Celine Dion. It's actually a very passionate performance from her, using the whole of the stage, never stopping for a second, really hurling herself into every movement. It's basically the same level of engagement she had in her earlier number, except without having Matt there to catch her when she lobs herself forward.

Luke's next, dancing to 'I'm Not Alone' by Calvin Harris. I regret to inform you that it is comparitively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier [Liza Minnelli is comparatively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier - Chris], but if you like looking at the muscles in his arms [YOU RANG? - Chris], this will be right up your street because there is some serious flexing going on here.

Bethany Rose returns to dance to 'Man In The Mirror' by Michael Jackson, having returned to a red cut-out leotard rather than the demure flowy dresses she's been sporting for solos quite a lot recently. I'm actually a bit disappointed with this solo, which seems like a lot of nothing - a few impressive moments, but in terms of commitment and energy, it's rather lacking compared to Katie's solo, or indeed Bethany Rose's own solo from earlier.

And finally, there is Lee B, sporting a new yet equally horrific pair of leggings. LEAVE THE LEGGINGS ALONE, LEE B. His routine is to 'Army Of Me' by Björk. Fortunately, after the disappointment of Luke's restraint, Lee unleashes enough crazy for everyone in his routine, which is a proper kitchen sinker. Lots of leaps, lots of kicks, some crawling on the floor, and mine and Chris's personal favourite, a moment where he twitches his head back while kicking his foot around, almost kicking himself in the head. Oh, and his hair is completely obscuring his face, Kirsty-style, for a good half of the routine.

While the judges deliberate, here is Mr Schuester from Glee to sing for us. At this point, I wish I were one of the judges up there deliberating, just so I wouldn't have to listen to this. The song is 'Still Got Tonight' from his new eponymous album, and it's pretty bland, although it's nice to know that Kris Allen's still using his time productively (he co-wrote it, you see). Anyway, I'm sure Matthew Morrison is a perfectly nice bloke, but the problem with him as a solo artist is that, because of Glee, it is essentially like watching one of your teachers getting up and singing in assembly. [That and the hair - Chris] Also, I found out yesterday that Naya Rivera had signed a record deal, which kind of makes this entire performance irrelevant. SANTANA LOPEZ 4EVA.

Once that's over, Cat welcomes back the four dancers who are in danger, GURL. Starting with the girls, Nigel says that Katie and Bethany Rose are the two that he would've liked to see in the finals, but Britain has voted, and the show is meant to be about Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's best dancer, although frankly that still doesn't explain Charlie Bruce [Nothing explains Charlie Bruce - Chris]. Nigel loves Bethany and thinks she's fabulous, but tonight Katie won him over, so Bethany's outta here. Bethany's all "yup, kinda saw that coming." Cat offers to show us Bethany's best bits, although thanks to some of her outfit choices, most of us are probably intimately familiar with them. Anyway: golden ticket, hanging up on Nigel, spiderweb of doom, being raised by alpacas, somehow surviving two hip hop routines. Cat tells Bethany we'll all remember that spider routine forever, [WE WILL ALL REMEMBER BETHANY-ROSE'S SPIDER FOREVER - Chris] and Bethany says that she felt so strongly about this competition, and thanks everyone for making her dreams come true. She also thanks her supportive family of adorable barnyard animals.

Time to sort out the boys. The judges are unanimous, though Nigel stresses that it's not about letting somebody go that is bad, just about having to let someone go. They're both unique dancers, but AndrogyLee is the one who's going home. Lee looks a little sad, but gets a hug from Luke which I think would go some way to making up for it. (What? Luke looks like he hugs well.) While Luke goes off to hug Matt as well, Lee gets another hug from Cat, and we review his finest leggings of the series: lots of "breaking the mould", lots of "you're a nerd who's in love with Kirsty", lots of hair, lots of leggings, lots of general Team Raggy Dolls amazingness. Aw. I'm going to miss AndrogyLee, but I guess at least he'll be back next week for the finale anyway, so this isn't such a terrible week to go out, especially when it's basically all just a fight to see who gets to finish second behind MATTFLINTMANIA anyway. [Is it Kirsty? Is it Luke? THE TENSION - Chris] Lee's VT finishes by saying that he loves that the show has allowed him to be unique, and he hopes that if people stare at him now, it's because he was on the telly. Cat asks what she's going to do without him every week, and Lee replies that he's not sure, because "Britain needs more leggings." Hee! He adds that he came on the show to prove that you can't judge a book by its cover, and hopes that's what he's done. Kirsty is crying and yelling and jumping up and down for him like a mad thing in the pit. Awww. I hope they stay friends, they look like they had a great time dancing together.

Cat teases next week's grand finale featuring Jennifer Lopez [I cannot believe J-Lo is turning up for this - Chris] as Kirsty runs onstage and hurls herself at Lee, and Bethany sort of stands there a bit awkwardly until Matt walks up and gives her a big hug. As always, eventually it just devolves into a big group cuddle party and then we're done. So, your finalists are: MattFlintMania, Angry Luke, Katie Love and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty. Who will win? Well, Matt, obviously, but who will come second? [F'nar - Chris] That, I'm sure you'll agree, is a question that no one can answer, at least not until next Saturday's results show. See you then!

So You Think You Can Be A Pasosexual?

2011-06-05T14:29:00.005+01:00

Top 6: 4th June 2011

Previously : We finally crowbarred apart our original couples, and in doing so discovered who'd been pulled this far on the back of a more popular partner (Hi Scally! Hi AndrogyLee!) and who was just unpopular in their own right (Hi Bethany-Rose!). After Chicago, Librarian Girls, AndrogyLee getting drafted off to fight the Nazis, and Angry Luke inviting us all into his Supermassive Black Hole OF FEELINGS, it was Israel and Scally who got the flick, leaving us with, unless Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty's vote collapses, the most predictable semi-finals OF ALL TIME.

SOGGYPANTIESCANDANCE!

We open with a group number, which appears to be somewhat Riviera themed. All the women are sunning themselves on loungers in their swimming costumes, reading SYTYCD! Magazine (cover star Louise, who is promising to reveal her Top 10 Dance Moves inside. I bet one of them's The Worm. And Emma Bunton's patented titiruba). [I completely did not notice this the first time I watched. Then again, I might have been distracted by the men in tight shorts. - Steve] The boys meanwhile are their waiters/pool boys/gigolos, serving them cocktails and frotting up against them, despite the presence of a giant "No Petting" sign. How rude. I guess if Paige was still here there'd be a "No Bombing" sign as well. Maybe in reference to Angry Luke, Katie Love and Bethany Rose-Lee's past CRIMES AGAINST CHOREOGRAPHY there should be a "No Walking" sign.

Anyway, they're all sexing it up and flouncing around to some song that is familiar to me, but which I couldn't say I really recognised or liked, which automatically means that it's from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. This makes me a bad gay I know. Speaking of which, the whole show this week is basically the infamous Homo Camp that Simon Cowell definitely did not put Ronan Parke through now he did not, don't come after me Syco Lawyers. But we'll get to that. The routine ends with the boys MIND-TRICKING the girls into serving them cocktails and waiting on them instead. THE CLASS SYSTEM IS SUBVERTED, LIVE, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! I note none of them are so gay yet that they're reading about Nurding's Dream Dresses. That'll change.

Enter Deeley : dressed as a sparkly sea-cucumber. She shoos the dancers, showing that no matter how much the class system of Earth is disrupted, Cat is still God. She tells us that we're only ONE WEEK AWAY from crowning MattFlintMania! as Britain's Favourite Dancer! But who does the audience think MattFlintMania! is going to be? Some poor soul yells "Bethany-Rose". As that MUST be a member of her family to be so happily deluded, they really should have panned to the audience so we could see a goose talk. You know, outside of the Babe movies. But before that, tonight each contestant must perform a group routine, a couples routine, and a solo, to test their bodies and their brains. Then they enter the Fun House itself, for a MAD TWO MINUTE DASH FOR EXCITING PRI...no? Oh, wrong show.

(Sidebar : Cat is pretty much the perfect human being, but I've just noticed she is constantly Lady Macbeth'ing her free hand when she talks. It's distracting Cat. It's pulling me away from appreciating your topical comedy about FIFA.)

Judges are introduced now : Sisco, who has apparently "just beamed down from Planet Fabulous", Louise who is apparently "the most glamorous judge who will never budge" (Arlene demonstrably stops clapping at this point), Arlene Phillips who "before Heat Magazine, gave us REAL Hot Gossip" (so she'll no doubt be attacking FDOFPFP Kirsty's thighs with her RING OF SHA...no, actually if anyone's getting attacked by Arlene's Ring Of Shame it'll be one of the boys), and finally "the man, the maestro, the miracle of movement, Mr" Nigel Lythgowe. Who then dons shades and vaudeville's around about how he's blinded by Cat's dress. Consequently I have donned shades to counter the hangover I'm enduring because of the amount of alcohol I had to consume and get through this and Britain's Got Singers Who Are Too Niche/Unstable For The X Factor in the same evening.

Cat and Sisco have a gay-off as to who is dressed in the most homosexual fashion, before Nigel is asked about the emotional, physical and mental struggle of having to get through three group numbers, a paired routine, and potentially two solos all in one week. Nigel's response "tough!". Hopefully we'll have broken someone in the time for the final again, just like last year! Imagine if it was MattFlintMania! IMAGINE the panic from the production team at the thought of who might actually have a chance of winning then. Kirsty would randomly probably randomly draw "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and out of the totally random draw and be made to dance it in a burkini whilst "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" plays as her music. [She'd still get my vote. - Steve]

Arlene is asked to empathetically minge on about how hard dancers work and how underpaid they are, as she is sat there being paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to alliterate, call people fat, and sleaze on men who are less than a third her age. LET THEM EAT CAKE! Arlene declares that just this week she was contacted by someone asking if one of the eliminated girl contestants could come and audition for a top West End Musical. Scally IS Grizabella! Possibly. [Perhaps they want Paige for a production of A Bore-Us Line. No? I'll get my coat. - Steve] Cat gushes that you NEVER KNOW who's watching. Or, frankly, if anyone is. (*pokes ratings machine* *smoke emerges*)

Next up, a very Strictly moment, as all the judges sit around backstage and discuss what they think of each contestant, like that isn't entirely obvious at this point. We do get nice little video-screens beforehand telling us key-details like :

MattFlintMania! - 29 - 5ft 8 - CAN DO ANYTHING

Angry Luke - 30 - 7ft 5 - SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS

AndrogyLee - 21 - Special Move : Head Thrash - WEIRRRRRRRRRD

Kirsty - 29- Jazz - FAAAAAAAT

Bethany Rose Lee - 20 - Jazz - DON'T HATE HER BECAUSE YOU AIN'T HER!

Katie Love - 24 - Special Move : Jumps & Drops - THE ONLY CONTEMPORARY DANCER WE HAVE LEFT SO PLEASE VOTE FOR HER BECAUSE WITHOUT CONTEMPORARY TO REGULARLY OVER-PRAISE THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ITSELF!

Judges start with Kirsty, with Arlene calling her "adorable" and pondering on her Argentine Tango. "Where did those things come from?" she wonders. Genetics? Sisco calls her a "dark horse", like she hasn't clearly been annihilating all the other women in the vote from second 1. They then move on to Matt, who Nigel (after last week saying that he hadn't really seen Matt expand outside of his JAHNRUH) says has really done well expanding outside of his JAHNRUH. Arlene says that Matt is a "cute little package", and everything about him is small, apart from his personality and his technique. Meow. [But is it truthy? Where's Sheila Hancock when you need her? - Steve]

Sisco says that Katie Love is great to watch in contemporary, but she hasn't unleashed her beast yet. Arlene wants to see her really let herself go and be thrilling. Arlene also wants to kick her in the face. Well that relationship turned abusive fast. Luke is next, and Arlene says he's one of the most exciting dancers in the competition, with Louise saying that he's improved every week to the extent that he's now a front runner. Bethany-Rose Lee is next, with Sisco calling her a vixen, and Louise saying that she's so hungry and driven that she's lost the softer side of herself. That DRIVEN MONSTER! Maybe it's because you've not given her one single routine which wasn't either hip-hop or her having to act like a dutty ho, or wasn't that Charleston where Israel stole the show by flopping around everywhere like a dying mackerel. Nigel says that she has the best technique of all the girls by far. Yeah, that'll win her votes.

We close with AndrogyLee, who Sisco describes as weird and wonderful and eccentric, with Louise chiming in "JUST LIKE YOU!". No Louise, not like Sisco. Profoundly not like Sisco. We close with Nigel being terrified of AndrogyLee's leggings, and how they make him feel as a man. Calm down Nigel, he'll be gone soon.

Back in the studio after that waste of time, it's time for our first couple. Cat explains to us all that this evening, they've mixed the couples up so that each dancer will be partnered with someone they've never danced with before. Despite the fact that this means that there are only two possible combinations, we still go ahead with the totally random drawing anyway because...who's paying attention really? First up, and doomed are AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose Lee. IT'S TEAM LEELEE! Cat tells us all that this week for them has been all about hair-whips, shoulder-dips and bruised lips. And, judging from the PVC outfits they're wearing, probably chafed nips as well.

In VT, both AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose Lee talk about how gutting it was for them to be in the bottom two last week. Well, for AndorgyLee anyway. Bethany-Rose seems kind of over it at this point. We're shown them totally randomly drawing one-another, and whipping their manes at one-another in delight. Bethany-Rose was of course taught to whip her mane as a greeting by her mother the Palomino Pony. They also totally randomly draw cha cha, which neither of them look particularly happy about.

Next up, we're shown AndrogyLee's morning routine. Waking up, showering, applying his eye-liner, eating his toast, and leaving the house at 8am. He does some good-natured moaning about having to leave the house so early. A nation's heart bleeds. Once at training we learn that the choreographers for this routine are Artem and Kristina. Kristina as per usual does not get to speak. I hope she and Mute Jaci choreograph a routine for the final and convey it to the contestants entirely via the art of mime. Artem and Bethany-Rose go for a tricky lift, and he punches Bethany-Rose in the face, and then pulls "erp!" face right down the camera. He explains that the routine he's choreographed is hard, because it's a semi-final, but not that hard, because it's a semi-final. THANKS ARTEM.

Both Bethany-Rose and AndrogyLee interview to the effect that they don't have a bloody clue what's going on, and that this is their most difficult routine yet. Artem bellows "WE ARE FAKING IT UNTIL WE ARE MAKING IT!" right at the camera, which...bodes well. He says that he's glad it is at least going better today than it was yesterday, because following yesterday's rehearsal, Artem felt on the verge of running home and crying. Yeah, that's difficult to imagine...

So out to the stage we go, and each of them is dominatrixed up (well...AndrogyLee's kind of wearing a dominatrix Bowling Shirt) because this is an Artem Chigvintsev cha cha. Remember how he dressed Kara up as his fantasy cha-cha girl? Yeah. That. They're dancing to Judas by Lady Gaga, which really excited me during the week because I want nothing for the best for AndrogyLee on the show this week, like you gather all an elderly great-aunt's favourite things around her so she's extra comfortable before she dies, but I didn't really think how it would work as a cha cha. And neither did Artem by the looks of it.

Bethany-Rose is totally on auto-slag for the entire routine. I think this is her equivalent Slutwalk after Nigel told her to stop being so sexy last week because she was putting women off. She looks AMAZING, but the music's so gloopy and slowed down that there's no real sense of fun or bounce to the routine. I don't know why you'd try to choreograph a tortured cha cha, but there we are. AndrogyLee's trying, but his moves are a bit clicky, and really it's all eyes on Bethany-Rose for me in this dance. They do an amazing lift at the end where she cartwheels into a drop and gives sex eyes to the camera, but I'm basically left wishing they'd done a Commercial or Jazz routine to the same song, because it doesn't really suit this JAHNRUH.

In the audience, Artem and Kristina look non-plussed. Well, you choreographed it. Behind them, Klaus turns to Katya and says something that looks a bit like "well that wasn't bad". Cat coos generically at AndrogyLee as he comes over about how "everything is hanging off those cheekbones". Including the hopes of a nation yes?

Nigel starts by saying that he thinks that if someone tuned on in the middle, they'd be surprised to learn that that was a cha-cha. That's the politest version of "what the fuck was that?" I've ever heard. He doesn't even know how they did that last lift (Artem : "IT WAS TRICKY!"). Apparently if we go by the votes then these are the two who will be leaving this evening. And the show does, so they're eliminated there and then. The End.

No? OK. We've got to string this out for another three hours. Nigel says that he hopes that the other four dancers will be even more amazing than that tonight, so these two going home won't be too much of a wrench. AndrogyLee was so strong, and Bethany-Rose was sensational, and Nigel doesn't understand why the public haven't warmed to her. IT'S CAUSE OF DAT ASS NIGEL, THAT MUST BE WHY!

Arlene is asked if she's ever seen a PVC-clad cha-cha before, and she lies that she hasn't. Whatever Arlene, I would be surprised if your cha-cha wasn't encased in man-made plastics right now. She agrees with Nigel that she didn't see a lot of cha cha going on, but she did see a lot of charm going on. It was fizzing like champagne in a cocktail shaker, and it had WOW FACTOR. Oh sod off with your Wow Factor Arlene. Worst reality tv cliche outside of X Factor. Bethany-Rose could have moved her hips more, and AndrogyLee could have worked the floor more, but other than that? SENSATIONAL.

Louise says that AndrogyLee danced with great "mashcoolinity" for a man wearing so much eye-liner and he really deserves to be there, and that Bethany-Rose really took on their criticism and worked on it in that routine, by improving her arms and gaining the Latin flavour. Sisco does nothing all evening apart from crawl every single dancer's bum and stays there. I ain't recapping that. PRIZES FOR EVERYONE!

Next up : some solos. First up is Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Can't Solo Kirsty. She does her solo to "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone and...it's better than last week. There. I was nice. I have loved everything that Kirsty has done in her pairs, even when she was SheWolf Of The Apprentice, but in the final battle for my heart between her and Angry Luke for the Win, these solos are really what tipped the balance. She's asked by Cat what it would mean to her reach the final, and she says it'll be the culmination of her life-long dream of dance. Bless. She's then asked what she's enjoyed about the show, and she says everything. Even the bits that hurt. And which she didn't sue over. Remember?

Standing alone next Cat officially makes Kirsty look like a dwarf. If she turned to the right she could motorboat her, BURLESQUE STYLE. Just saying. [If only they'd moved the show to a post-watershed graveyard slot instead of an early evening slot o' doom. - Steve]

Speaking of Angry Luke's Angry Solos, we're about to experience one, and Jesus Wept this is pretty much Furious Luke. I haven't seen this amount of emoting to The Flood since Take That performed it for the fiftieth time in the X Factor final and I put my fist through my coffee table. Jumping and punching and growling and rolling about and gravity defying leaps and carthweels and FURIOUS FURIOUS SPINNING. It gets so loud and so angry that when she shoves his pecs at the camera with a flourish half-way through, Take That actually sing a little bit quieter because he's scaring the bejesus out of them. And they're on a pre-recorded backing track. It ends with Luke sprawled on the floor like From Here To Eternity, tummy heaving up and down with spent emotion. Cat asks him about his perspective on this experience. He replies that it is the BEST THING HE'S EVER DONE. ALL THESE NEW EXPERIENCES AND FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. Cat makes him wink like Anne Robinson down the camera-lens just to take the edge off a bit.

Those over, Cat asks us what we were doing at 6:30am on Monday. I was sleeping Cat. Apparently if we were dancing to The Boomtown Rats, we were Matt Flint and Katie Love. This whole "Boomtown Rats" thing is never explained. They're not shown dancing to it - it's just layered on the soundtrack to Matt hitting his alarm clock. It did get my hopes up we were due a school-shooting themed pop-jazz to "I Don't Like Mondays." We Need To Talk About Katie Love.

In VT , we're reminded that last week was officially a good week for Katie Love and Matt Flint, as Katie Love got to vamp around like Roxie Hart, and Matt Flint drew the dance outside of his wheelhouse that just involves standing there and occasionally grabbing a boob. Out of the CatBox, Katie Love draws Matt, and then Matt draws out Contemporary. Both look very pleased indeed. Matt in interview says that, as he's partnered with a contemporary dancer, he's really going to have to up his game to keep up. Yes Matt, because otherwise you might go home. Definitely.

6:30am Monday now, as Matt very diligently prepared breakfast, sniffs his milk, gets dressed, does his hair, climbs in his taxi, and sets off to work. Meanwhile, Katie Love stumbles out her door at 9 or so, clutching her toast and wearing sunglasses. Hands up who thinks Katie Love got trashed last night? Yeah, me too. In rehearsals, there stands Mandy Moore, again, because she's obviously not busy, carrying the weight of this show's choreography entirely on her back for the forseeable. She says that, as it's the semi-finals, and Matt and Katie are a "power couple" they're going to need a routine that really pushes them.

Cue the next 30 seconds or so being Matt struggling manfully through really difficult Contemporary choreography, Katie Love being dumped repeatedly on her spine, and her seeming like she'd quite like to dance this with someone who knows what they're doing so she doesn't end up a vegetable. It's like Lee-Boy never went away isn't it? I'm sure this will end exactly the same way with the judges as well.

Out to the stage now, and they're both dressed in pale-piss yellow and dancing to "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". It's your standard "dress in whites and pale colours and roll around the floor to a woman being overwrought with mostly awkward lifts occasionally shoe-horned in". I love Mandy Moore, but much more as a jazz choreographer than a contemporary one, because her music choices are always a bit...naff. Which works for jazz, but for contemporary routines it takes the edge off the routine a little if I was doing a routine with the same intent around my outdoor chair-swing at my 19th birthday whilst out of my mind on cheap champagne.

Is that enough insight into my life yet? [Never. - Steve]

Matt is pretty good, except when he has to do lifts, when it all gets a bit fumbly. Katie Love is also good, although she radiates about as much connection with her partner as a windsock does to a hippopotamus. They do get killer air off a leap at the end though, which makes the whole thing just about worthwhile. For a lyrical routine though, there's not nearly enough turning around on the "TURN AROUND!" bits.

Everyone in the room gives it a standing O, including the judges, and this time Louise doesn't even have to drag Sisco up by the elbow. Cat gushes about how she was standing there ready to catch Katie Love if Matt missed her. Like Katie Love would let that happen. She'd totally twist mid-air and take him down with her.

Louise starts for the judges saying that she felt really emotional throughout, because she knows these two have been on such a JOURNEY (*drink*). Matt has mutant ninja dance style powers that can't be taught, only bred via a complex chain of genetic accidents through the years, and Katie Love occasionally lacks oomph, but did not then. It was full of oomph. Mostly the noises she was making as Matt dug his fingers into her ribs trying to keep hold of her. Nigel follows, thanking Mandy Moore for that routine, and her routines through the series in general. In the audience (sitting next to what I originally took to be a "yellowed-up" Kate Prince, like she could possibly get more offensive) does the little "prayer hands dip" of thanks that Dr Hamela did all last series on Strictly. It's kind of charming on her though.

Nigel carries on praising Katie Love's leap favourably to Rithy's poor effort from earlier in the series (LEAVE RITHY ALOOOOOOONE!) and also by praising MattFlintMania! for being what this show is all about, because he's a tapper who is now OUTSIDE OF HIS JAHNRUH! Arlene follows by bigging up Matt for showing he could do contemporary dance, and also Katie Love for giving herself entirely to the dance. When she heard Bonnie Tyler yell "I REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT!", Arlene replied "oh alright Bonnie, do you want me to pick up a copy of More magazine, a Mars Ice Cream Bar and a bottle of Absolut as per usual? We can watch the Britain's Got Talent final and whip bits of nougat at Amanda Holden's head. I've just got to over-praise some contemporary dance first".

More solos now : First up is Bethany-Rose Lee being all floaty and balletic and lyrical to a Kelly Clarkson album track. NB : you can still see her boobs. She's still Bethany-Rose Lee. Of all the solos of the evening it's actually probably the best. I love that Bethany-Rose Lee is bringing it when there's absolutely no need to. At least she's going out on a high. She wanders over to Cat, and tells her that this competition has been a dream come true for her. Cat tries to make her say she really hopes she's in the final. As that kind of relies on that Bonnie Tyler routine having propelled Katie Love above Kirsty in the vote, which is not entirely likely and also nothing to do with her, she kind of shrugs it off all "yeah, that'd be nice".

Next up in the Solos Of The Damned is AndrogyLee, bringing some Beastie Boys ("Whatcha Want?") to So You Think You Can Dance? His leggings are Union Jack themed, his jacket looks like a third-tier Tekken character, and he is giving it edgy style and lots of leg, as per usual. There's a tiny little bit of a hip-hop feel and swagger to the whole number, which is nice given that we put a bullet in the last of our four hip-hop dancers last week. Cat pulls him over, and asks him to explain his leggings. AndrogyLee says that they represent him hopefully being Britain's Favourite Dancer, which he follows up with a little salute. Cat asks him what he'll take out of the experience, and he says that he's learnt so much, and also now got great big muscular arms. Cat tries to get him to play a game of "Which Way To The Beach?" with her. He has no clue what she's on about.

Final couple now, and if I thought Kirsty looked like a midget next to Cat...she's now stood next to Angry Luke. Yeah. Cat says this couple were really happy with the genre they pulled this week, until they got to rehearsals. Was it there that Kirsty discovered that the make-up for this routine was going to be so bad that it would make her look like a cross-eyed badger?

In their VT we are reminded that last week was also a Good Week for these two (apart from when Arlene decided to call out Kirsty's solo after every single routine, like, even the boys group number - "that was really sharp and masculine, MUCH BETTER THAN KIRSTY'S STOOPID SOLO!"). Afterwards both of them apparently retired to the show's Star Bar [otherwise known as the BBC Club Bar on the fifth floor of Television Centre - Steve, the former BBC employee], where Kirsty doled out lots more hugs, and Luke got drunk on pints. We don't see him outside afterwards throwing his shoes at the moon howling "WHY WAS I BORN SO POWERFUL I CAN'T HANDLE IT?!"

We're shown the formality of Kirsty "drawing" Luke out of the CatBox, even though both could only conceivably be paired with the other this week, and also drawing Broadway, which is really probably the best for both of them. Could you imagine them doing that Contemporary? Yeah, me either.

In training, they encounter Bill Deamer, of "Matt & Scally go to the seaside" fame, who says that their routine this week will be 1950s Prom themed, and have to bounce with a Charleston rhythm. Oh good. More Charleston. He says that the routine will be of the standard of that which he would give two professional theatre dancers. Which...is what Luke is, so...good? Everyone huffs and puffs and gets out of breath, and I'm mostly distracted by how stacked Kirsty is now. She is officially Muscly Old Deaf Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty now. WHAT A JOURNEY! [Seriously, the final numbers show that absolutely everyone in the top six ended up with a six-pack, so now I wish I'd entered this show. Because, erm, I'd totally have made the top six. - Steve] Kirsty tries to start a football fan-esque "WE'RE GOING TO THE FINAL!" chant. Angry Luke looks a bit sick. It's like him and Danielle Week One all over again, and we all know how that ended right? With SO MANY FEELINGS!

Out on stage and they're dancing to Varsity Drag from the god-awful 20's musical "Good News". I dare you to sit through the film version. It's a MARATHON. Awful. It's infamous for being set in the 20s and using 1940s styles. So obviously this version sees both Kirsty and Angry Luke dressed up like the 50s. The whole routine is very very very very very fast to begin with, then gets slower and less manic as it goes on. Either that or they just run out of puff. Luke is demonstrably more on top of things than Kirsty is, and she occasionally seems a bit disorientated but it's not as though she's particularly shaming herself, and by very design she's better at the whole "Joan Leslie On Uppers" vibe of the routine. I am a bit disappointed it doesn't end like Angry Luke's actual prom though - ie him getting a bucket of pig's blood dumped on his head and killing everyone via telekinesis. As they finish, Kirsty honks "I COULDN'T SEE!" at Angry Luke, and then Cat pulls her over and gets her to explain that she was having trouble because of all the masses of hair that were in her face throughout. It's not quite "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!", but it'll do. Kirsty half cracks up, and half breaks down over this. It's quite a combo of FEELINGS. Obviously Luke is rubbing off on her.

Arlene starts for the judges (well, actually it's Sisco, but, you know, I'm never going to have to recap him again after next week, so why not start now?) by saying that Kirsty was soft and blunted and let Luke down in that routine. From somewhere off in irrelevance Sisco starts screaming until Nigel gets him to shut up. Louise follows by saying that that wasn't her favourite routine she's seen the pair of them do (I hope she means individually, rather than as a couple. Louise does seem a bit out of it this evening), but she hopes the people at home realise how difficult it is for TALL PEOPLE TO DANCE. Yes dear, I think Len Goodman has covered that more than accurately for the last few millennia of Strictly. She says that Kirsty was, as always, great at the characterisation, but she's not sure that was good enough to be in the final.

Nigel finishes by saying that he thought that was the weakest of the routines this evening, but also that Kirsty should probably feel glad she got this routine, because it was all about personality and she can't dance. Or words to that effect. I don't think "under the bus" adequately covers how quickly this thing has driven over Kirsty this week. It's more "under the Space Shuttle". Angry Luke is then praised for being tall, like Tommy Tune, and still being able to dance. I love that Nigel looks at Angry Luke and sees this.

More solos now : first up, Katie Love, dancing to Mary J Blige's version of "Stairway To Heaven", which sounds a bit like someone trying to play Eye Of The Tiger by memory alone after having only heard 5 seconds of it. It's very much a typical Katie Love solo in that I don't really care, and neither does she by the looks of it. Everything's very loose and thrown away and unfinished and limp, and it's all a bit meh. Katie Love is asked by Cat if the show has been harder than she anticipated. After a lot of huffing and puffing and talk of new lives and dreams coming true, and her body doing things she never thought it would do before (*eyebrow*), she says yes.

Final solo of the evening now (until Dance For Your Danger Bottom Zone Life), and Matt is tapping it out to Jason Mraz going "skibbity bibbity bop". [I really like this song, but I freely admit that the bit they use for his solo is probably the worst bit of it. - Steve] It's very moderny tap ie it involves a lot of falling down and jumping about and being jazzy. It's quite enjoyable, whatever, Nigel's enjoying himself. He also has apparently choreographed in a move from the god-awful movie Happy Feet as part of it. Happily not the hour long chase scene bit, or the bit where Robin Williams breaks out his best James Brown impersonation and diverts the plot up his backside. He's asked what his favourite moment was, and he says it was working with Mandy Moore. Amen.

Solos over, and Arlene is asked her opinion on the solos. Guess who she hates? It is Kirsty. Guess who she likes? It's both men what are masculine. She also gives props to Bethany-Rose for skimming across the floor. She deems Katie Love to be not a choreographer (ouch), and then says that AndrogyLee is weird and quirky and eccentric, and avoids talking about his dancing, as the show has done since the beginning. But hey, he's BIZARRE.

Now it's time for the group routines. So, you know how this evening has basically been an escalation of homosexuality, building up from Dirty Dancing and the French Riviera, through Bonnie Tyler and Lady Gaga, cresting on 1920s musicals and Rock Hudson and Doris Day comedies? Well the boys routine is the coitus and the girls routine is the cigarette afterwards. Get ready kids, this is about to get SUPER-GAY.

First up are the boys, and who better to choreograph this orgy of sexual tension than Katya Virshilas, the woman who got male-snogging on prime-time Strictly Come Dancing? [♥ Katya - Steve] She's thrown together a paso doble, with the help of Klaus. In training all three men talk about how much they want to be in the final, and how much they want to out-do and out-shine one another with their manly male masculinity. Katya affects to be terrified of all the testosterone flying around the room, although this is then nicely undercut with a shot of Luke falling on his bum and Matt gazing balefully up at him from nipple-height. MACHO!

Out to the stage now, where everyone's topless (well topless in trousers that come up to their nipples, and bathed in a bright orange glow. The Pirates Of The Caribbean Music strikes up, and BATTLE(/SEX) commences. Katya's actually choreographed this very well, as AndrogyLee takes a lot of the more sinuous creeping insinuating movements, Matt handles the impetuous, boyish, darting stuff, and Angry Luke, with the most muscular frame, handles the power and strength and drive. Also they all have their nips out and are grunting at one another. It's...quite a spectacle. There's memorial Strictly capework on show (which I think Luke wins, just via muscular structure, although Matt Flint gives it a good go) and then fire start shooting everywhere on the backdrop video screens, and it all goes backflip bonkers and yes, this routine is certainly FLAMING.

Standing Os everywhere, and Sisco starts barking like a dog on heat. Oh very dear. Arlene is asked her opinion, and she crows about their delicious Spanish lines. She loved their passion, she loved their grit, she loved their grace. AndrogyLee was fearless, Matt was feisty, but Angry Luke was Arlene's PRINCE OF PASSION! At this point Arlene stands up, and she's shot only from the ribs upwards. Whether this is because she wearing nothing from the waist down at this point I cannot confirm.

Nigel starts whiffling on about masculinity and strength and toughness and Billy Elliott and homophobic dads and yadda yadda yadda. I'm mostly taken up with the fact that, now MattFlint is no longer bathed in orange, how he still REALLY needs to have words with whoever did that horrific wax job on his chest last week, because the hair's growing back so sporadically it looks a bit...scrotumy. Cat asks us all to put our hands together for THE LADS. PHWOARRRRRRR!

Next up are the girls who, as per Cat, should apparently be used to wearing a skirt. As if that wasn't gender-stereotypical enough, after the men's routine all about competition and tesosterone and violence and thrusting passion, we're now getting a routine about friendship and beauty to "The Rose" set in the snow. Bless. Maybe they can all braid one another daisy-chains in their hair as a finale.

In rehearsal, we learn that the routine requires the girls to wear great big peasant dresses, which are apparently causing problems for Kirsty in particular, because she keeps treading on hers. Bored out of her skull, Mandy asks her why she auditioned for the show, and Kirsty replies that she really wanted to do the best dancing she could. Mandy Moore sighs in response that it'd be great if she could try and remember that during this routine. Worrabitch. Kirsty continues to struggle, and everyone tries their best to keep their laughter at her antics good-natured. Mandy Moore politics that all of the top three girls are quite...different from one another. Outside TV Centre, the three of them huddle together, and Katie Love explains to camera like they're like a garden - you have all these different flowers next to one another, like a tulip, and a rose and a...what's another one?

Bethany-Rose says "dandelion", and Kirsty says "daffodil". Katie Love looks baffled and goes "DANDELION?! Yeah, ok, daffodil" and everyone laughs and I've never liked Katie Love more. [Me neither - that was hilarious. - Steve] Anyway, these three flowers apparently will go together to make a beautiful and varied garden. For the purposes of this metaphor. Both Kirsty and Bethany-Rose coo that this makes a really good metaphor, although Bethany-Rose looks a bit put out that her dandelion suggestion didn't get picked, and Katie Love mugs all "yeah, yeah, that's it" like she knows how forced that metaphor she made is, but she doesn't care. I swear Katie Love and Bethany-Rose Lee just got more character development in those 10 seconds than they did in the entirety of the rest of the series.

Out to the stage now, in the middle of a BLIZZARD of fake snow, dancing to Bette Midler. It's contemporary, and Mandy Moore, so yeah, it's a lot of rolling around in white whilst overwrought ovaries hum in the background, but at least they're keeping off the floor for most of it. I actually think it's a really well-choreographed number, but Bethany-Rose I'd say is the only one completely hitting it. Kirsty I think is just emotionally exhausted from having Arlene on her back all evening, and Katie Love seems to be placed really oddly compared to other two a lot of the time. It's nice for Bethany-Rose that she's scudded the other two so thoroughly in this performance show, because it's always nice when people go out on a high. The routine ends with them plonked on the floor, in the middle of the snow, growing LIKE THE FLOWERS THAT THEY ARE.

It gets another standing Ovation, although we cut to Mandy giving an almighty "WTF?" face in the audience. Why, I cannot say. Nigel starts for the judges saying that was a really beautiful routine, danced by some really beautiful girls. At the start of the series he says he would have expected to see both Danielle and Scally in the final, because of Danielle's beauty and grace, and Scally's...personality (*cut to Scally in the audience trying to fit her entire fist in her mouth, later series Ralph Wiggumming it up til the bitter end*), but...well this is what we're left with, so so be it. Whoever the public pick, we'll have a truly beautiful finale next week. Kirsty showed that she COULD dance well technically, Katie Love was very beautiful and musical, and Bethany-Rose was just beyond. Arlene breaks in to say that Bethany-Rose has been truly phenomenal this evening. She never knew Bethany-Rose had it in her, but SHE DOES, JUST LIKE NIGEL TOLD ARLENE SHE DOES.

Nigel closes by saying that normally the aim of the judges is to get rid of the rubbish dancers, but that's not the case tonight, because whoever leaves is AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND DID YOU HEAR THAT KIRSTY VOTERS PLEASE DON'T ANTI-JUDGE HER INTO THE FINAL WE DO LIKE HER HONEST.

Louise is asked if she enjoyed tonight, and she says that she did. She's going to have THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB EVER, MORE THAN BOMB DISPOSAL choosing who goes home tonight. She says it's really unpredictable what's going to happen next, as though a blind pug up a tree couldn't see that AndrogyLee is doomed, and Bethany-Rose Lee is relying on nobody noticing Arlene going Mean Girl on Kirsty again for the second week running.

Sisco says something about wanting to have sex with all the boy dancers in the middle of that paso doble. So over him.

Speaking of which, we're now getting a brief fillerific "let's visit each contestant's home town and prod yokels into saying they want them to win!". Bethany-Rose is, as usual, mostly supported by the animal kingdom of Devon and as they don't have opposable thumbs for dialling, she is mostly still screwed. People in Scarborough love Matt Flint, although I notice that none of them are foxtrotting yet. Not a single person in Worcester knows who Katie Love is, but some kid does drop a chicken. Luke is promised fish and chips in Melton Mowbray, and also some old woman trying to frot him. In the mythical kingdom of Banstead...people familiar with Kirsty exist, and finally, in Plymouth, two kids on a barge full of trash sail off screaming "WE LOVE YOU LEE B!".

Even by this show's standards that was an almighty waste of time wasn't it?

Lines are open, dances are recapped, and that is it. Join Steve up the page a little for the tragic dissolution of Team Raggy Dolls. *sniff*

So You Think You Can Leave Matt Flint And Survive?

2011-05-29T14:08:00.004+01:00

Top 8 Results: 28th May 2011

Earlier tonight : the Top Eight FINALLY split from their initial partnerships, and all did one new paired routine, a solo, and a group number. Although we're going to more or less completely forget that the latter two of those three things happened. Also earlier this week, the new US series of So You Think You Can Dance started, and Jakob Karr was revealed as a choreographer, so my patience for this show by comparison dropped down yet another notch. FUN!

SALMONELLACANDANCE!

We open on yet another group routine, with everyone dressed up in their best humbug black and white stripes/check and sat at a big table. To welcome Nigel back, the thing begins with a good 20 seconds or so of armography. TAKE THAT NIGEL, IT'S NEVER GOING AWAY. The song they're dancing to is "Rolling In The Deep", because I officially went the last 5 minutes without hearing Adele somewhere, and that situation needed to be urgently rectified. [Also, because Adele needs more money to complain about paying tax on later. - Steve] I swear, all you people going OH MY GOD AMY WAS A SPACE YOGHURT ALL ALONG! are going to be so disappointed next week when it turns out she's going to give birth to Adele. River Song's secret identity? Also Adele. The little girl in the space-suit? Adele. Then at the end, the Doctor regenerates into Adele. And Adele sings the theme tune. So heartbreaking.

Anyway, I'd heard the theme for this routine was a "freaks dinner party" but...name a group routine this series that hasn't been about freaks to some degree. Not including the slags vs gangstas group routines from the main show this week obviously. And the "freak styling" here seems to stretch to giving Scally Bet Lynche's wig, so it doesn't really stand out as being particularly freakish. Anyway, MattFlintMania and Katie Love exist a lot, and everyone else shuffles their lunch-tables around in the background. At the end, Angry Luke gets MAJOR Matrix-time air off his table, and it's my favourite thing of the whole series I think except when everyone threw Rithy up in the air with blood all over her mouth.

Cat comes out and thanks someone called Katrin Hall for choreographing. In the audience, Katrin Hall claps herself. That business out the way, Cat reminds us that one boy and one girl will be expelled from the competition later, and speaking of expulsion of human waste, the Black Eyed Peas will also be performing. Yay. Which 80s classic will they have violated next? I hope it's "What A Feeling". The judges are then re-introduced. I feel happy that Nigel's back. I think if Arlene had had to try to be the voice of professionalism one more week her vagina would have exploded.

Cat jokes that Nigel might have begged off last week's show on the excuse that he was really busy in LA and couldn't find the time NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED. Well Cat has found out that was a lie (*face of shock*). He was instead getting goosed by Lady Gaga. Him and the rest of America. Sisco is asked to use the following words and phrases in a sentence ; "pressure", "dancing for your life", "there's only X places left", "tense". He just about manages it. I still say that should be Arlene's job again next week. All the random pauses and squints and flaps she inserts into what is essentially the same sentence is what keeps it fresh.

First up on Elimination Row are the girls, and we're reminded what they wrought earlier. Charlotte remained sucked in her weird time-warp where she has to perform at least one routine dressed like she's Dervla Kirwan's slightly backwards friend in Goodnight Sweetheart every week. She overacted insanely, and everyone dropped her like a plate of cold sick. Backstage she hopes that everyone still believes in her, and that she wasn't just leeching off MattFlintMania's fanbase all this time. Oops. Katie Love did Drag-Queen Roxie Hart and then got called a star. Backstage she Gloria Swanson's about how it's all she's wanted ever since she was a little girl was for someone to call her a star. Bless. Tell it to a therapist.

Kirsty was MattFlintMania's Librarian Girl and Nigel made a whole bunch of gross noises and started touching himself and humping the desk and howling and Kirsty thanked the Lord for the first time that she was born a bit deaf, because frankly the visual was bad enough. Backstage she hoots that it was amazing, and Arlene agrees. Bethany-Rose returned to the scene of her hip-hop crimes, except this time without even a skateboard to blame for the fact she was slopping around everywhere like Widdy after a few pints of the Black Stuff. Backstage she worries, and Sisco worries also. I am mostly non-plussed because after nigh on two months of Bethany-Rose Lee all I know is that she's a stripper who was raised by alpacas.

Out on stage now, and Cat runs through a quick summary with all the girls of what we just saw, but with added reminders about the solos and group routines (Bethany-Rose was great in the group routine. Katie Love was not great in the Group Routine. Fat Deaf Old Foot Phobic Face Planting Kirsty's solo was the worst thing I've ever seen.). Not that they mattered. What do you remember about the girls group routine? You are not allowed to use the phrase "not as good as the boys one". Anywho, Bethany-Rose and Scally are the ones who are the bottom two. Both of them do their best "I was expecting this to happen" faces, and Katie Love and FDOFPFP Kirsty do their their best "I am not going to be triumphant about this I am not" faces, Kirsty gives Scally a big old hug (who would not love a hug from Fat Deaf Old Kirsty? I bet they're amazing), and everyone departs.

Boys reminder now : If Katie Love was Renee Zellweger, Israel was playing the role of Taye Diggs' baby brother somewhere towards the back. Arlene slagged him off as lazy, and Israel's dad booed heartily. Israel's mum kept her gob shut, lest everyone call her a disgusting Jeremy Kyle chav again, like that one time Cat asked her a question and she dared to answer it. Backstage Israel says that he had fun out there and a really good time and thank you for having him and can he please have his party bag Mrs Phillips? AndrogyLee tried to keep his head as Scally went Blanche DuBois mental around him, and then Arlene told him the "B stands for Better And Better". I thought it stood for "Butch". I thought we'd established this every week for the past season or so? [I thought it stood for BYOB. - Steve] Backstage AndrogyLee gushes "Good Old Arlene!" and seems to be enjoying it as only someone who made it this far despite being ear-marked as fodder can.

Matt got a really bad wax job that left him looking a bit like a plucked 12 year old with the head of Matthew Perry on painkillers. SAY NO TO WAXING PEOPLE, IT IS WRONG. Oh and he done a rumba with Kirsty in her knickers. Backstage he says he really enjoyed it, whilst awkwardly fiddling with his shirt because he knows that WAXING IS WRONG. Angry Luke threw down whilst Bethany-Rose threw up, and Sisco told him he couldn't praise him any more and then...did. Arlene called him an Olympic. Nobody knew why. Backstage he says that he really, really wants to advance further, and Sisco says "lived/living/livage" Again. One of them. Or more. I've immunised myself against them, you'll have to check for yourself.

Out to the stage now, and the boys who are in the bottom are Israel (looks miserable, but then recovers) and AndrogyLee (looks gutted). Angry Luke pats AndrogyLee on the shoulder for luck, and then he and Matt wander off whispering sweet nothings into one another's neck that I can't hear no matter how high I turn my sound up. I bet it was filthy whatever it was.

Solos time now. Bethany-Rose Lee goes first, to "Layla" (the rocky version) and it's a more subdued solo than usual from Bethany-Rose, in that you can only see the very top of her cleavage. There's lot of jumping around and twirling and sexy arms movements, but mostly I'm distracted by the fact that someone's been at her leotard with a whole set of Waitrose cookie-cutters. Or some very neat and artistic moths got into wardrobe. Israel follows, and he's stuck wearing those low-crotch trousers that probably seemed like a good idea at the beginning, but once you've freaked out the squares with your ability to somehow still be able to dance whilst wearing them one, there's nowhere really else left to go. He dances indifferent hip-hop, fairly indifferently.

Scally follows, to "Listen" by Beyonce, and more specifically the bit where Beyonce tries to give it some mental for the one time in the entire film she's required to act anything other than "blandly superior". Scally of course has done "mental levels of over-wrought emotion" for her last two paired routines in a row, so it's a bit done at this point. She throws herself the stage, pulls at her hair, gurns crazy faces and spins around on her tip-toes, and throws herself to the floor like a Bedlamite. [And making herself so disorientated in the process that Cat practically has to lead her offstage in the right direction so Lee can do his solo. - Steve] Finally there's AndrogyLee in his "Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison" The Doors stripper vest, too tight leopardprint pants, whipping his hair back and forth and jamming his crotch in Nigel's face as Robert Plant squeals about how he's going to give you every inch of his love. It's an image I'll be taking from this series with me for the rest of my life I can tell you. AndrogyLee's solos have been everything I dreamt of and more. So 70s, so glam.

For the next 10 minutes the show turns into The X Factor. William, Sarah Ferguson Duchess Of York, amp-i-app and Taboo all take to the stage after an insanely overwrought intro ("30 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE! 6 GRAMMYS! ZERO SENSE OF MUSICALITY AND DIGNITY!") and there's lasers and vocorders and dancers and robots and the death of music and a stretch where the Duchess Of York looks a LOT like Kirstie Alley and old style decks being used to produce a noise like a wasp farting and a chorus that basically goes "STOP IT STOP IT!" making it really really easy for me to sing along. Come back Jessie J - all is forgiven. At least you didn't give off an air of "oh boy am I SLUMMING it tonight or WHAT?" the whole way through. At least you tried to do good. In this, you could never be a Black Eyed Pea.

DIRTY BIT.

(I still quite like "I Got A Feeling" though) [DRANK! - Steve]

Cat thanks the Black Eyed Peas, through time, back to when they filmed that bit three years ago. But forget all that fun, it's now Decision Time in the Danger Dance For Your Bottom Zone. Girls first, and Bethany-Rose steps forward. Nigel decides to start by REALLY not caring any more, and saying that Bethany-Rose Lee is obviously not connecting with the audience, specifically women, because she's too beautiful and too sexy. For a start Nigel, she made it past half the female cast without ever being the bottom - it's not as thought she's Rithy (sadly). Secondly, I love that he's saying this when she's stood next to Scally who has never been sexy ONCE, because it'd presumably spoil the show's presentation of her as a 7 year old, and whilst Kirsty (who spent the entirety of the first episode in her pants, twitching her bum around to Candyman and having MattFlintMania paw at her bosom whilst Nigel beat himself round the head with a shoe and made wolf-whistles) and Katie Love (who made a joke about how she's shagged every man on the show) remain safe. Yes Nigel, that's why she's here. WIMMINZ IS JUSS JELUS OF HER WEW LUSH BOOBZ.

Bethany-Rose is stepped back, and Scally is stepped forward, and told that there was a split decision 2-2 on her and Bethany-Rose, so the decision is up to him. Last time it was up to the tea lady Nigel. I swear, if anyone cared about this show there'd be a million conspiracy theories about why this changed this week, but nobody does, not really, so there aren't. Anyway, unfortunately for Scally, Nigel has decided she's going home, because whilst they love her personality she really needs to show more technique. Hey, remember last week when the line was that Charlotte was the only girl in the competition who was always technically flawless? THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. [Eh, Nigel wasn't here then, and I can't imagine he bothered to catch up on his missed homework. - Steve] Anywho, Bethany-Rose and Scally have a hug, Scally says "well done babe" five times in a row, and Bethany-Rose wanders off in a daze right into a bone-crushing hug from Angry Luke. I guess they bonded quickly. We see Scally's best bits. Thankfully they consist mostly of brief clips of her dancing interspersed with her being calm and articulate and thanking everyone for being so nice, rather than say, her screaming "WHAT AM DONKEY?" and running headlong into plate-glass windows.

Back in the studio, Cat asks her what she enjoyed. She says everything. Cat asks her what she'll remember. She says everything. She then thanks the judges for the opportunity, and MattFlintMania for being an amazing partner. Matt looks on nobly and solemnly from the audience. Kirsty cries her eyes out at his side.

Boys Judgment Day falls next, and Israel is asked to step forward. Nigel tells him that all the panel agree that he's had the most growth of all the contestants this series, and they all really admire how far he's come, and his commitment to excelling in all genres of dance, no matter how far outside of his comfort zone they are. That said, piss off, you're eliminated, and it's unanimous. BYEEE! Israel looks sad for a picosecond, then smiles and makes a little prayer gesture. AndrogyLee walks off to the side, where he immediately gets grabbed by Kirsty, lowing "WELL DONE BAY-BEEE!"

Team Raggy Dolls 4 Life!

Israel's Best Bits (ie, his mum) follows. Cat asks him to sum up his feelings, and he says that he really feels like he's grown as a performer as well as a dancer. This isn't the end! This is only the beginning! You have not heard the last of Israel Donowa! Israel, I know you might have been confused by the Black Eyes Peas bit, but this really isn't X Factor. Cat asks him what he'll remember. He also says "everything". He doesn't remember Bethany-Rose specifically though. Ah well. I thought they got on.

To end, Matt and Katie Love hoist up Scally on their shoulders, Angry Luke and AndrogyLee hoist up Israel, Kirsty pokes at Scally's bum like she thinks she can find a way to help, but instead just settles with dishing out another hug, this time to Bethany-Rose. Let the music play!

Next week, this is your Top Six :

AndrogyLee

Angry Luke

MattFlintMania

Bethany Rose-Lee

Fat Deaf Old Foot Phobic Face Planting Darlene Loving Awesome Hugging Kirsty

Katie Love

All told, it could have been MUCH worse. [Speaking of how much worse things could be, next week I have to recap Mr Schuester from Glee performing his new single. THANKS. - Steve]

Couples retreat

2011-05-29T12:21:00.005+01:00

Top 8: 28th May 2011

Previously: the promised uncoupling of the pairs didn't materialise, Nigel's interest in the show waned, leading to guest judge BARROWMAN who turned out to not have a single shred of the charm he showed on I'd Do Anything, and poor Tapper Tom was finally put out of his misery, along with Katrina Ballerina.

Tonight, it's the quarter-finals, which doesn't really mean anything apart from "the final's on in two weeks so we're trying to build momentum, even though we're now on at 3.35pm and only watched by a small group of die-hard fans and Sisco's mum" [I think if Sisco's mum paid any attention to his life then he might not be quite so...Sisco, so I doubt it - Chris]. The good news is that the partners have finally changed, so we're going to see some different dynamics amongst the pairings that have never troubled the bottom two (so, MattScallyMania and Team Raggy Dolls, in other words) and we'll get to vote for our favourite individual dancers, which could be interesting. The stakes are moderately high, the tension is vaguely perceptible, so who will be the favourite dancer of 4.3% of Britain?

SUSANSARANDONDANCE!

We welcome the Top 8 to the stage, as individuals this time rather than pairs, and the order for anyone who's interested is as follows: Bethany Rose, Luke, Fat Deaf Old Foot=Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty, Matt, Katie Love, Israel, Charlotte and AndrogyLee. Those are the girls, here are some boys, let's get this mother on the road, eh Cat?

Speak of the devil, Cat enters and has a little shimmy-off with Matt, who somehow even manages to leave the stage obnoxiously. That's quite a talent. She explains how the dancers will be challenged this week: by dancing with someone they've NEVER DANCED WITH BEFORE, doing a solo as well as the usual pair dance, and because the public will be voting for individuals rather than pairs, so we finally get to see how popular Charlotte really is when she's not shackled to Matt The Obvious Winner every week. Cat adds that everyone now has an individual voting number, and proceeds to read them all out even though the lines aren't scheduled to open for another 45 minutes. Are we supposed to start programming them into our handsets or something? Also, Cat's a little weird tonight, she keeps missing words out of her sentences and tripping over her tongue. I wonder if she's ill? She is looking a bit peaky. [She's so bored - Chris]

Oh, and we also have judges, and thankfully Nigel is back and BARROWMAN has been given his marching (like a man, not like a sissy BRUCE) orders. Sisco is dressed like a matador again, Louise's eye make-up is still unenviable, and Arlene is wearing a necklace of popcorn dunked in metallic paint. Cat asks Nigel what he makes of the Top 8, and he says that they're pretty much the people he expected, though he's sad Katrina's not around. Katrina, incidentally, is in the audience, sitting alongside Cabbage Alice and someone who may well be Stephanie. There's no sign of Tom that I can see, but in fairness he's still probably off tapping away somewhere where nobody's going to compare him unfavourably to Katrina/Matt Flint/chalk dust, and loving every minute. Sisco blathers on about nothing very much that Cat hasn't already told us. Cat reminds us that two couples will be in the bottom two and one boy and one girl will be going home. Shall we get on with some dancing now?

Katie and Israel are our first reconstituted pairing of the evening, and Cat says that in an attempt to shore his support, Israel's been talking to the Big Guy - "not Nigel, bigger." Simon Fuller? Danny Cohen? I dunno, but if the answer to this is supposed to be "God", then frankly I think in terms of getting the message of support across, I think God comes a distant second behind Israel's Mum. They've drawn Broadway this week, and Israel recalls last week's show, where he thinks he gave one of his best performances, and was thus surprised to see the public had let him fall into The Danger Zone Or Whatever We're Calling It This Week. Katie, on the other hand, thinks last week went well, but "just as I was hitting a high point with Luke" (after one whole week together - I think Katie Love might be the intense sort who turns up on your doorstep with her cat and her Ikea houseplants after the second date) she's had to switch partners. Again. Israel's pleased to have Katie, and Katie's pleased to have Israel, adding "I'm working my way around the group, aren't I?" Oh Katie Love. You don't want to start spreading rumours like that, especially with a surname like yours that positively encourages childish nicknames. Like Katie FreeLove. Tee hee hee. As promised, Israel heads off to his local church in St Mary's Platt, to meet his supporters. There are indeed a lot of them, but frankly Israel's Mum is the only person we're even remotely interested in. The rest is just window dressing. Israel does some dancing and thanks everyone. They've got Tasty Oreo as their choreographer this week, who appears to be breaking the habit of a lifetime and actually devising an original piece for this show, to 'Roxie' from Chicago. [Original in the sense that he lifted a bunch of Fosse bits and threw them in a hat - Chris] Katie thanks everyone for keeping her in this far. Israel thinks he would've struggled with a routine like this at the start, but he's growing as a dancer and can totally do this. They're assigned a homework task to watch some old-Hollywood musicals and get into the spirit of Chicago (the inner world, obviously, since the film itself was only released nine years ago). Aside from the obligatory "Israel fake-yawns so he can put his arm around Katie Love" trope, this particular narrative track leads us nowhere and appears to have been inserted just to take up another 15 seconds or so of VT time. [Welcome to every VT on this show. Remember when Katie made Lee C breakfast/Salsa Man/when Angry Luke told Danielle her face smelled? - Chris]

Sidebar: I went to see Chicago in London when Ashlee Simpson was playing Roxie, and she was really good. No, seriously: legitimately good. Also, she totally played up the "my nose" lyric in this song since it was not long after she'd been in the papers for having lots of surgery, and I admired her for that. The choreography in this section isn't really blowing me away: I guess because Fosse's style in this show is so distinctive, and really Tasty Oreo's efforts here fall a bit flat in comparison. I know you can't just rip off someone else's work, but when a show is so irrevocably connected with a particular style of dance, it seems odd not to at least acknowledge it in the routine. Katie and Israel are doing an okay job of it - he's pretty good, and selling a role that clearly isn't the showcase, while she's vamping away heartily in the lead role and occasionally chomping at the scenery. It goes a little bit off for Israel towards the end, as he's just sort of throwing his arms around with no real purpose, and I think he's never going to be 100% comfortable in Broadway, but it's still a decent effort from him.

Cat giggles that Israel sashayed over to the judges, and Nigel disagrees with me by saying that he liked the choreography and Tasty's recreation of the Fosse style. Eh, you win some, you lose some. He's very proud of Israel's growth (FNAR) across the season, but he needs to relax his shoulders a little bit. Katie, on the other hand, is every inch a star, and this style suits her brilliantly. Cat admires Katie's fans with the pink hair. Arlene says that this style demands accuracy, technique, timing and a little finger that can do the talking. Presumably like Leon's. Katie, it seems, was talking tonight, while Israel's timing was lazy. Arlene then shoots forth with another of those strange analogies that make sense only to her: "I think you need to play Monopoly and you need a get out of jail free card." I love Arlene. I'm going to miss her when this show gets cancelled. Nigel thinks she's being tough, and Arlene responds that it's the quarter finals, and Israel was out of time. Sisco chimes in that this is absolute nonsense, prompting Cat to zing "I'm getting nonsense from Sisco", like that isn't true every fucking week. Sisco thinks Israel looked like a jazz dancer, and his accuracy and extensions were great. He thinks Israel is what the competition is all about. He thinks Katie is always consistent despite having been held back by her partners, and she's a star. Louise thinks this was a perfect routine for Katie, and it really suited her. She then proceeds to call Israel "Sisco" (ZOMG RACISM, although I like the idea of Louise critiquing Sisco, just in general) and telling him that this is not his sweet spot dance-wise, but he's really had to work to get this far. He wasn't perfect, but she enjoyed it and thought he looked like a jazz dancer.

Katie and Israel scamper off as Bethany Rose scoots onto the stage behind them, which means it's time for the first of tonight's solos, which Cat explains have been choreographed by the contestants themselves. Remember that, it'll be important later. For once, Bethany has come appropriately-bedecked for the occasion in a flowing ocean-blue dress that really enhances her movement and entirely conceals her ladyparts [for once - Chris]. Her solo is to the loud bit of 'Fix You' by Coldplay, and is actually pretty good - it's very dynamic to watch and features deft, flowing movements. She take slightly longer than her allotted 30 seconds, but at least the crowd don't do that obnoxious yelling countdown. Cat asks her if she's feeling the pressure of doing the night's solo, and she says that she is, although it's nice to be able to enjoy it rather than doing it under the pressure of the near-elimination scenario.

And if anyone's wondering what happened to the strippertastic outfits Bethany Rose often wears, here's your answer: Luke is wearing a pair of slashed black trousers (and nothing else) [maybe some knickers - Chris] for his solo, to Muse's 'Supermassive Black Hole', [I'd do a solo to Angry Luke's Supermassive etc etc - Chris] which is a bit flaily and messy for my personal taste, although the writhing is always fun. I just don't think, choreography-wise, it's that great an indicator of what he's capable of. Cat calls him "fancypants" (I sincerely hope those trousers really aren't anyone's idea of the word "fancy", except for maybe that one in the country song about the prostitute), and Luke says that while challenging yourself is good, it's nice to be able to dance in your own style. Apropos of nothing, Cat says that Luke makes her feel like a girl (NOT IN THAT WAY), [I'd let Angry Luke make me feel like etc etc - Chris] because he's one of the few men in the world who's taller than she is.

Time for our second new team, that of Scally and AndrogyLee. Scally got a rave review from BARROWMAN for her contemporary piece, while Lee hit a stumbling block because BARROWMAN didn't think his and Kirsty's version of Hair was appropriately polyamorous. Lee says, however, that knowing that his family were at home supporting him made all the difference, and we are treated to a hilarious reconstruction of this moment, with last week's show crudely superimposed on Lee's living room while his mum (making a late attempt to yoink the Mum Of The Series crown out of Israel's Mum's hands) tuts and rolls her eyes. I swear someone yells "get off!", and if they do, they are my new favourite person. We see Lee calling his family after he gets through, and them cheering loudly as families do. He pulls Charlotte out of the box, as it were, and she's excited to be partnered with him, as she thinks they get along well and there could be a great connection between the two of them. They draw contemporary out of the box and cheer, and then there's an odd bit where Charlotte does an "impression" of Lee that makes little sense, and Lee murmurs that he'll need to get tanning if he doesn't want to look like Caspar the Friendly Ghost next to Scally. Choreographer Mandy Moore explains that their routine is about the last moments before a man is summoned to war, and Charlotte declares that the routine makes her "go tingly". Mandy Moore notes drily that she's asking Charlotte to do something more mature this week (frankly, "getting dressed without assistance" is probably something more mature than Charlotte's used to) and hopes that she can can it with the damn giggling. I may have been paraphrasing slightly. Montage of Charlotte giggling, and Lee explaining patiently that laughter is a Sometime Trait. Charlotte says that she's struggling not to laugh, but she is working hard to get into characters because they want to make the semi-finals.

The entirely too on-the-nose routine is to 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers, and Scally's dressed like an extra from Goodnight Sweetheart while Lee is, as previously mentioned, a man what is going off to war. [Well if we don't ask, they'll never tell - Chris] Charlotte's attempts at intense angst are unsuccessful: she looks like she's got a fishhook dangling off her lower lip. Lee's doing a pretty good job of intensity and showing the burden on his shoulders (and I don't just mean Scally), although the pair lack the chemistry that he used to have with FDOFPFP Kirsty. Again, it all goes wrong for Scally about halfway through and she just seems to be chucking her limbs around with no great sense of where or why, and then they lose time with each other. There's a nice tabletop lift where Charlotte manages to position her balance very well in order to look practically weightless, but then it descends again into awkwardness and a final fishhook face to end on.

Louise thought Lee was amazing with the storytelling, and that he's danced his way through a lot of very diverse characters, [Week 1 - you are butch and in love with Kirsty, Week 2 - You are butch and in love with Kirsty, Week 3 - You are in love with Kirsty, Week 4 - you are butch - Chris] but advises him to ensure he finishes all his movements properly. She's less keen on Charlotte, though, and thinks this partnership has exposed her a bit. Arlene thinks the B in Lee B stands for "better and better", and she was so moved by him in the routine - she disagrees with Louise and thinks that not finishing the moves actually worked in this piece to create a sense of abandonment. She didn't like Charlotte's faces and felt she was overdancing it, and she didn't get the depth of the potential loss of a husband [*snort* - Chris] out of the routine either. Nigel didn't love the routine, because he didn't believe in it. He thought that they both danced parts of it well, but he doesn't get how Lee can be a soldier with drainpipe trousers and no shoes. Because obviously, the costuming was something Lee had full creative control over. Also, it's CONTEMPORARY DANCE, Nigel, of course he didn't have any bloody shoes on. Be grateful he wasn't just attired in a billowing white sheet. He also thinks that when Charlotte isn't showing her big personality, her flaws come across - she needs to point her toes when she leaves the floor, and she has to straighten her legs in the jumps. Lee's technique was terrific, but Nigel didn't believe in it. Louise thinks Lee could be a trendy soldier. Sisco is not invited to comment. Hooray! Also: anyone even remotely surprised that the Charlotte Scally lovefest came to an abrupt halt the second she was uncoupled from MattFlintMania? No, me neither.

Time for more solos, starting with Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty, and...oh dear. Remember what Cat said at the beginning about the contestants choreographing the solos themselves? Well, this routine makes it very clear that Kirsty is not not much of a choreographer. And that's putting it politely. It's to 'Candyman' by Christina Aguilera, and it's basically a fairly poor pirouette followed by a lot of twitching. It's the sort of thing that most of us could've choreographed on the dancefloor at the local discotheque if we had a few vodkas inside us and enough room to execute it. It's only through sheer force of Kirsty's goofy personality that the routine makes it through the full 30 seconds at all, but it's safe to say her big weakness has now been exposed, and she's very fortunate that she's never been forced to dance for her life, because that shit would've seen her go home without so much as a by-your-leave. [Because it really matters how they dance in the Dance For Your Bottom Zone - Chris] Because anything is preferable to talking about that hot mess, Cat tells Kirsty she's looking great, and Not-So-Fat Deaf Old Kirsty tells Cat that she's lost one and a half stone over the course of the competition.

Matt's next, wearing that godawful half-denim half-plaid shirt that he's forced to wear every week, delivering a pretty impressive tap routine to Stevie Wonder's 'I Wish'. Cat tries to pretend this is a rare opportunity to see Matt in his area of expertise, like the show hasn't tried to shoehorn it in at every available opportunity. Matt explains that he chose the music because it's from his favourite film, Happy Feet (REALLY?!?!?!?!), and "that little penguin inspires [him]". Okay, that's quite enough pandering there, thank you Matt. I had hoped that being separated from Scally might have made him more tolerable, but apparently not. [He's a dancer! It's a film about dancing and being yourself and that! I bet if you asked EVERY SINGLE GIRL it'd be Dirty Dancing, which is barely less infantile. LEAVE MATTFLINTMANIA ALOOOOOOOOONE! - Chris]

Bethany Rose and Angry Luke are next, and their VT follows the same format as everyone else's, with Luke reminding us that last week was good for him, while Bethany points out that last week was not good for her. We see her getting a hug from BARROWMAN after she's saved, and GO AWAY BARROWMAN, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU WERE HERE LAST WEEK WITHOUT YOU LIVING ON IN FLASHBACK FORM. Bethany says that she's thrilled to be paired with Luke, because she loves him to death and "would marry him like that" *snaps fingers* (the "if he weren't, y'know" left unspoken). [Someone needs to explain to Bethany-Rose that's not how marriage works - Chris] They draw hip hop, and Bethany Rose's entire universe collapses. Choroegrapher Simeon Qysea explains that the routine is about a broken down relationship, which is familiar territory for both of them in this show. Bethany is struggling with the routine and can't quite get all the moves, while Luke worries about having to rely on this routine to get them through the quarter-finals because it is very hard.

The routine is to 'Let You Go' by Chase and Status, and opens with Luke reading a letter and having SO MANY FEELINGS about it while Bethany Rose packs a bag in the background. The whole concept of the routine (that she wants to leave but he PHYSICALLY RESTRAINS HER) is kind of terrifying to start with [DOMESTIC ABOOOOOOOOOS - Chris], and they're both playing it very angrily. Bethany Rose's issues with hip hop are on show here, as once the routine moves into the part where she and Luke need to be synchronised in their solo movements, she's completely behind and struggling to keep up, making the whole thing look very sloppy. She does claw it back eventually, but it's a struggle, and despite her best efforts Luke's just completely outdancing here.

Cat implores Bethany to give Luke his bag back, adding "don't make him get angry, because he will", which is totally a shout-out to this blog, right? Right? Oh, never mind. Sisco thinks Luke is phenomenal, and a great example of what a professional dancer is, because while it wasn't flawless, he was performing with conviction, and made it look like this was a genre that suited him. Deciding to entirely buy into the narrative of the VT, Sisco bitches out Bethany Rose for complaining and says that if she'd spent less time whinging in rehearsals she'd have got a better grasp on the routine. Whatever, Sisco: it's not even like she was complaining that much, just acknowledging that hip hop is not her strong suit and that she was struggling with it. He thinks she should've taken "that" energy, presumably the energy gained from nervousness about an unfamiliar genre, and used it in the routine instead of "doing complaints". Remember earlier how I said I was going to miss Arlene when this show gets cancelled? Well, apply the exact opposite of that to Sisco. Louise loved the energy and the storytelling, and thought that Luke was spot-on, but Bethany struggled to keep up with him, and mistakes this for being a height issue. Arlene to Luke: "why use ten words when you can use one: OLYMPIC!" I guess she finally got those notes from the Strictly Come Dancing producers, a few years too late. [And yet not the one about the words having to make sense - Chris] Bethany Rose, sadly, was all over the place like popcorn in a microwave. And Arlene admitted to me that she's a terrible cook when I interviewed her a few months ago, [NAME DROPPER - Melody Hossaini] so I suspect she is familiar with microwave popcorn disasters.

Katie Love steps up for her solo to 'Seduces Me' by Celine Dion, dressed as Harley Quinn from Batman, and pleases Brian Friedman fans with her literal choreography (dropping to the floor in time with the line "I'll go down with a smile on my face" [F'NAR! - Chris], later dropping to her knees on the line "I'll go down on my knees" [F'NAR! -Chris]). It's pleasingly wiry and spindly, hampered very slightly by the fact that she slips over on her end pose and pulls a giant WHOOPS face as she gets up. [Oh it was more than one, not that she was hamming for all she was worth or anything - Chris] She heads over to Cat and informs us that she TOTALLY PLANNED the bit where it looked like she slipped. Heh. Someone in the audience screams "I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE!", and I think it's too late to make catchphrases happen, and it's about six years too late for THAT catchphrase to happen.

Solo Israel next, dancing to 'Move (If You Wanna)' [I don't - Chris] by Mims, and danced almost entirely by his crotch in isolation. I mean, it's no Drew and his cock-phone, but I think it's the closest we're going to get this series. [More's the pity - Chris] Cat gets Israel to turn around, and informs us that they've taken the coolest guy on the show (not that much of an accolade when your competition is AndrogyLee, Matt Flint and Luke and all his FEELINGS) and covered his back pocket in sequins.

Cat introduces our final brand new couple "like David Cameron and Barack Obama" - MattFlintMania and Not So Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty, whose acronym is going to go off the end of a line if this carries on. Also, if they really are like Cameron and Obama, then I'm going to assume that before Kirsty was selected for the show, Matt went public with his support for her chief rival, and now is pretending he never did any such thing. NSFDOFPFPNC [Gesundheir - Chris] Kirsty says that she enjoyed last week, while Matt grouses that last week he got negative feedback for the first time in the competition. Excuse me while I hire the world's tiniest string section to play something suitably mournful here. The fact that the negative criticism he got was from BARROWMAN wittering on about how he wanted an Italian spicy meat feast just makes the whole thing more ridiculous. Matt taps for Kirsty when he draws her out of Cat's box. Kirsty: "Matt's an absolutely stunning dancer, how can I complain? Well, that's what everyone keeps telling me, HAHAHAHAHA!" It's funny how manic cackling is so much more endearing when Kirsty does it than when Charlotte does. They draw rumba for this week's dance, and bust out some "sexy" "moves" to celebrate. They have Chris and Jaci as their choreographers, and talk for about six years about how steamy the rumba is. Matt admits that his biggest challenge has been mastering the "rumba walk", and when asked by Chris to strut like he's on the catwalks of Milan, ends up lumbering forward like he's on a 10-mile hike with a backpack full of sand. I'm surprised they don't bring Barrowman back for this, actually - perhaps he's only useful for teaching people how to walk in a more masculine fash--no, I'm sorry, I can't finish that sentence without laughing. Matt "learns" to strut like he loves himself, which I'm sure can't have taken that long, while Kirsty basically has trouble starting the routine on the right foot. Literally. Jaci points out that they've had to be very hard on Kirsty because it's always the woman who gets the attention in a rumba, unless of course you're a male celebrity on Strictly Come Dancing and you've got Len Goodman in the corner wittering on about how THIS DANCE IS HARD FOR MALES. Eventually Kirsty seems to get it, and Matt winds things up by saying that he hopes their rumba makes Arlene so moist that she becomes overcome with lust for Nigel. Again, I paraphrase, but probably not quite as much as you're hoping.

Arlene, bless her heart, decides not to bother waiting for the rumba and plants one on Nigel anyway. ARLENE ♥. Cat expresses disappointment that it was only "on the cheek" and asks for another one later, "Kate and Wills-style". Ew. Anyway, dancing anyone? Their rumba is to 'Librarian Girl' by Michael Jackson (I don't care what you tell me, as far as my eight-year-old self is concerned, THAT IS THE PROPER TITLE) [It makes more sense than the idea that Kirsty dressed up as Princess Jasmine = "Liberian" - Chris] and they actually work very nicely together. Kirsty has lovely rumba arms, and she and Matt seem properly in sync with each other in a way the other couples this evening haven't managed. Also, it probably doesn't hurt that they're both giant hams, because it means they're not remotely concerned about getting properly up in each other's faces for the steamy parts of the routine, and that makes it all the more coherent as a dance of sexual intent. It ends with Matt running his hand down the length of Kirsty's body and Kirsty writhing in pleasure. And no, the watershed is not for another two hours and 35 minutes. FILTH.

Cat, clearly sharing my mind, suggests that it's "a funny outfit for a librarian" and asks Nigel for his feedback. Nigel thought it was very sensual and all about the hips, and then claims that Kirsty was NEVER FAT, even though they [/Arlene, just Arlene - Chris] pretty much said as much during her audition, adding that she's "totally reshaped [her] body" and it's shown off very well in that outfit. Turning to Matt, Nigel says that's the first time he's seen him dance outside of his style ("it's normally Broadway or tap or jazz or something", which, if I can borrow a comment from Chris, is still more recognisable as a genre than "commercial" is) and he's a wonderful partner with terrific shaping. Arlene loves the rumba, and wastes no time in telling Kirsty it was a good job she got this, because she redeemed herself from "that appalling solo", though she would've liked her to hug and caress the floor a bit more. Sisco needs feeding at this point and smarms that if there'd been any more caressing, it would've basically been porn, and while he's not wrong on that score, Arlene is also right to point out that she meant THE FLOOR and not Matt, and Sisco shushes her with Peanuts-teacher noises. Arlene: "You know what? I'm going to call you TESCO: cheap!" That doesn't make an awful lot of sense, but it's Arlene trashing Sisco, so I don't care, I love it. Anyway, Sisco thought it was very sexual and incredibly believable, with Matt oozing sex and Kirsty giving her usual consistent level of performance.

Final solos: up first is Charlotte, doing a routine to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now' which looks awfully familiar, though I can't say if it was her audition piece because that feels like it was about three years ago at this point. Anyway, it's all foofy and springy and when it's all over, Cat shames Charlotte some more by telling everyone watching that when Charlotte did the spins in rehearsals, she blew snot everywhere. Charming.

Finally we have AndrogyLee, in those ghastly humbug-striped stretchy pants that are joining Matt's shirt on the bonfire the second this series is over, dancing to 'Fashion' by David Bowie. His routine is a lot of jumping and the splits, whether vertical or horizontal, and decent enough amongst the fairly sub-standard solos we've seen tonight. Lee tells Cat that he loves fashion and dance, so it was nice to put them both together.

Cat turns to Arlene for feedback on the solos as a whole, and unsurprisingly Arlene starts with Kirsty, saying that people have access to the best choreographers to teach them on this show, but some of those solos went right back to the level people were at when they auditioned, and that's not good enough. Kirsty was "like a kid of six" [From Arlene's Paedo Dance-Studios presumably - Chris], while Charlotte wasn't pointing her toes, and wasn't supporting herself properly. On the other hand, some of them have grown, like Luke, who's dancing in a way that Arlene never expected, and Matt never lets anyone down. Despite all of that, though, Arlene reminds us that they have a further solo, if they're in the bottom two, and a group dance still to show, so we shouldn't just take her word for it. I don't think that was ever much of a concern, Arlene.

Cat declares the phone lines open, and a Katie Love fan screams "IBELIEVEINATHINGCALLLEDLOVE!", to which Cat replies "ILLGIVEYOUTHENUMBERINAMINUTE!" It's little things like this that remind me how great Cat is, and so much better with a live crowd than Dermot O'Leary over on The X Factor. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. [I think we were 5 seconds away from a "FUCKING SHUT UP!" - Chris] After that, we get a quick reminder of the night's performances and the numbers to vote for everyone.

So that's everyone taken care of, but we still have 10 minutes of showtime to fill. What next? Why, group dances, of course. Boys vs girls, like it's The Apprentice. The girls are up first, with a jazz number choreographed by Sean Cheesman. He explains to them all that although it is a group number, they'll be judged individually so they can't afford to screw up. NSFDOFPFPNC Kirsty interviews that they're being scored against each other, so it's important to look better than the girl next to you; this is underscored by rehearsal footage of Kirsty totally messing up and looking lost. Sean says that even though they've picked up the routine quickly, things are still not where they should be (Katie Love falls off a chair) and Bethany Rose interviews that when they get on stage, they have to bring it all together and show their inner diva. Katie points out that when you're one of four, you don't want to be identified as the luggage.

They're dancing to 'Dr Feelgood' by Aretha Franklin, and the routine is indeed a bit sloppy in places, with some timing issues - Bethany Rose is the only person I spot not falling victim to this, though she does have an entirely separate problem in that when the routine calls for them to kick their chairs away, she ends up kicking hers right into Kirsty's path [/face - Chris] and Kirsty has to plot an evasion course around it while still hitting her mark at the right moment. Sabotage will not be tolerated, Bethany Rose. As the routine progresses, Charlotte's looking a little blank in the face (more so than usual) and Katie's off-time again.

Louise thinks it was great to see them dancing again and, finally having spotted a situation for which she has relevant experience, points out that she knows what it's like dancing in a four-piece act. She thinks that some dancers were more noticeable than others - Kirsty and Bethany Rose stood out as having the feel of the routine and the easiness, while Katie and Charlotte were left behind in comparison.

Time for the boys: they also have a jazz routine, but theirs is choreographed by Mandy Moore using a heist theme. She claims that there's tension in the room as the guys are competing against each other, though to be honest the VT that they use to illustrate this makes it look more like sexual tension than anything. They were all just kind of leering at each other. Israel says that they're all friends, but they can't forget it's a competition. Angry Luke wants to be sure to stand out. Lee thinks it's been a very different atmosphere. Israel is fighting to stay in the competition. Matt thinks everyone wants to win. Lee wonders if this routine could be the difference between staying and leaving. And so on.

They're dancing to Queen's 'Another One Bites The Dust', all dressed in sharp suits and trilby hats. They're a lot slicker than the girls, in that it's harder to tell if any of them are messing up at any given point, although to be honest I spent most of my time watching this routine thinking how I could totally get on board with these four being the new cast of Hustle, especially if they brought in Kirsty as the honeytrap. I think Luke's the best of the group, with Matt somewhere in the middle, and Israel and Lee lagging behind a little bit, but as I said, the differences between them aren't nearly as pronounced as they are with the girls. Also, I'm disappointed that there was a shot in the rehearsal footage of Luke doing a one-handed cartwheel, and this doesn't seem to have made a final edit. Boo.

The judges are on their feet applauding, and Nigel thinks that unlike the girls, none of the guys stood out in that routine. A few idiots in the audience boo, because they're far too stupid to realise where this is going, and sure enough, Nigel concludes that no one stood out because EVERYONE WAS AMAZING. He thinks they're the proof that British dancers can be just as good as American dancers, and this is his favourite routine in the whole of SYTYCDUK. Somewhere in a distant corner, Drew and Hayley's Bed Dance weeps silently.

And that's it! Coming up in the results show: the fucking Black Eyed Peas. I'll leave that particular agony to Chris.

Tapped out

2011-05-22T14:28:00.004+01:00

Top 10 Results: 21st May 2011

Earlier tonight: BARROWMAN. And what a terrible idea that was. Also, the Top 10 dancers performed twice (twice!) for your votes, and now the lines have closed. There's about to be a gender-balanced elimination, and with Rithy & Shane out of the competition, the danger zone is wide open.

SUSANSONTAGCANDANCE!

We open with a group number set to Presumed Future X Factor Judge Kelly Rowland's single 'Work', set backstage at a fashion show, featuring Katie Love, Bethany Rose Lee and Katrina Ballerina as fierce diva movel bitches ready to cut each other, with FDOFP Kirsty and Scally as what I assume are meant to be sassy stylists. Scally's carrying a can of hairspray anyway, although to be honest that might just be for spraying in the eyes of whoever she thinks is going to be partnered with Matt next week, assuming the whole partner swap thing EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Kirsty gets a bit lesbionic with Bethany Rose and Katie, while Scally focuses her attentions on Katrina (and sadly this routine does kind of back up Louise's assertion from earlier that Katrina's a bit uncomfortable with doing "sexy"). We pan out to Lee and Israel as the Noted Fashion Photographers of the world, both rocking an androgynous look which obviously Lee has no trouble with, but I'm pleasantly surprised by how good it looks on Israel. The three Fierce Diva Bitches climb onto a clothes rail as Kirsty and Scally wheel them around (I'd feel sorry for Kirsty here being relegated to this role, but given what happened to her in rehearsals, I'm guessing she's absolutely fine with not being asked to perch on flimsy-looking props right now), and if you're wondering what happened to the others, Luke, Matt and Tom now emerge from behind the mirrors as Big-Haired (not so much in Tom's case, obviously) Model Stormtroopers. This is so fucking hot I can't even tell you. Then the whole thing becomes a giant dance fashion show, and Bethany is vamping it up for all she's worth. There's some general whirling around of ladies, and a hilarious piece of blocking where the MaleModelBots stand behind the Fierce Diva Bitches who are all bending forward. Ooh, matron! This whole routine was amazing. I genuinely don't understand why the big group numbers on this show are routinely brilliant when the individual routines that we're actually judging these people on are so frequently underwhelming.

Cat enters, barking "work!" at everyone as they stride off, cackling to herself manically. Cat to host Britain's Next Top Model! She thanks Beth Honan for choreographing that awesome group piece (thanks Beth!), before reminding us that we're about to discover who's missing out on a spot in the quarter-finals, and Saturdays are here again as Britain's favourite Girls Aloud substitutes will be in the studio. Or more likely have already been in the studio about four hours ago.

After a quick recap of the rules of reality TV voting, Cat welcomes back the judging panel, including Not Remotely Special Guest Judge BARROWMAN, who didn't take the hint during the performance show. If he'd cut his losses and scarpered, he probably could've caught tonight's performance of Legally Blonde in the West End, and then everyone would've been much better off. Cat asks Arlene how the contestants must be feeling at this point, like we haven't already established that every other week, and Arlene says that there's a reason why they refer to it as "dance for your life"[/Dance For Your Bottom Zone Danger - Chris], and the contestants have to basically act like it's a life-or-death situation.

Highlights from earlier, anyone? Katrina and Tom's salsa got a mixed review from the judges, proving that the Latin curse is alive and well for anyone not called Danielle or Luke, while their jazz performance was rather staccato and did not receive Arlene's approval. Backstage, Tom thinks that they really went for it, while Katrina sighs that they've done it so much better previously. Bethany Rose & Israel got good notes for their lyrical hip hop routine, with Louise thinking that they're getting better and better every week. Their charleston, on the other hand, was sloppy as hell, but the judges decided they didn't mind because it was entertaining, because that's apparently where we are now on this show. Bethany observes backstage that it's nice of the judges to recognise the hard work that they're putting in. Scally and Matt's so-so disco routine brought Barrowman's ire for randomly not being Italian enough (SHUT UP BARROWMAN - God, I can't believe he's actually got me siding with these two, of all people), so backstage Charlotte vows to take his comments on board and become more Italian in the second routine. I hope they've got Fergie on standby. BEEF MEDALLION! Then Matt had really sweaty armpits again in their contemporary routine, and Arlene fell in love with them all over again. Backstage, Scally and Matt act like anyone gives a shit what Barrowman thinks. Kirsty and Lee didn't win over Barrowman either with their Hair-themed Broadway routine, and caused Arlene and Barrowman to argue forever about what free love looks like and whether we can show that on BBC1 at teatime on Saturday. Backstage, they rather sensibly choose to laugh off the feedback since they weren't really given much to work with. They came back strong (as did the table leg, much to the relief of Kirsty's face) in their hip hop routine, and Arlene was wowed by Lee's swagger and Sisco admired their commitment to the task at hand. Katie and Luke enrolled at Dalton Academy for their commercial routine and got rave reviews. Backstage, they celebrate, with Katie calling it "best detention ever!" Louise loved their seamless and fluid Viennese waltz, and Artem comes backstage to hug them, except Luke gets a bit overenthusiastic and refuses to let go. Not that I can blame him. [I'll say - Chris]

The couples are lined up onstage in their elimination outfits, and Cat bemoans the fact that they have to lose anyone from this line-up. We start with Katrina and Tom, and Tom got his first compliment of the entire series tonight while Katrina got her first criticism. Strange times, indeed. We then move over to Kirsty and Lee, whose Broadway routine started such a dispute that it almost caused the Rapture, while their hip-hop number was generally better received. One of these couples is in the bottom two, and it is...Katrina and Tom. Tom takes this news with a "well, that's me boned, then" head-nod. Kirsty and Lee embrace them, and then scarper quickly offstage. Cat beckons Katrina and Tom over, pointing out that she saw them nodding and asking if, then, this was not a surprise for them. Katrina says, somewhat carefully, that she'd prepared herself for this, while Tom is just nodding chirpily behind her, presumably quite looking forward to not having anyone tell him he's rubbish next Saturday night. Cat asks Louise for some advice, and she tautologises "guys, this is never going to get any easier, each week it gets tougher and tougher", and that since the judges have been telling them where they've been going wrong, they need to come out and show that they've taken it on board. I wonder how Tom is going to incorporate "who are you? I could only see Katrina" into his solo. Maybe he'll just not turn up for it. [I hoped he was going to come out wearing but a Hallowe'en pumpkin on his head and done the Monica Gellar Thanksgiving Turkey On The Head dance - Chris]

So who's joining them in the bottom two? Clearly not MATTFLINTMANIA and Charlotte, but we'll humour them all the same. Barrowman did not care for their disco number, but he ranks about six positions below Louise in the ranks of people whose opinions actually matter (in between them are Israel's Mum, Bethany Rose's alpaca, Matt's tap shoes, Drew's Cock-Phone From Last Year, and of course me and Chris. Not necessarily in that order), so that's not really an issue, and their contemporary routine left Arlene speechless. Bethany Rose and Israel's lyrical hip hop had perfect storytelling and Louise noted their ongoing improvement, while their charleston was entertaining, if not actually much cop. Finally, newly-formed couple Katie and Luke, whose routines went down well, even if they weren't technically perfect. Two couples are safe, and one couple is in danger [gurl- Chris]. That couple is...Bethany Rose and Israel, so Scally and Matt and Katie and Luke are safe, with Katie and Luke becoming the first couple all series to bounce back out of the bottom two. Cat asks Sisco why the public might not be connecting with these two, and Sisco says that he's surprised that they're in the bottom two, but Scally and Matt are popular and Katie and Luke have an exciting new dynamic. I think Sisco's taking the format of the results show to mean more than it actually does - they were up against everyone in the vote, Sisco, not just the people they were just stood next to. He tells them not to worry, and to "kill it" in their solos. Is killage the opposite of liveage? I'm so confused. Israel's not looking overly concerned, perhaps because even Charlotte's hair knows that there is no chance of Israel being sent home over Tom.

Cat asks Barrowman if he has any advice for them? NO HE DOESN'T, GOOD, LET'S MOVE ON. Katrina opens with her ballet solo (I'll be bluntly honest and admit that I have no idea what the music is) and it's good - energetic, dynamic and elegant. But will it be enough? Poor Unfortunate Tom does his solo to 'Rockin' Robin', and it is of course a tap number. It's fun, but it's clearly all for naught. Bethany arrives to do her solo, a jazz routine to N.E.R.D.'s 'She Likes To Move' - it's very sexual, lots of leaping around and doing the splits and general feline crawling across the stage. Israel rounds up the event, with a hip hop routine to Steve Angello and Laidback Luke's remix of Robin S's 'Show Me Love', which seems to largely consist of skipping from side to side. Again, I'm probably showing my age here, but I think he'd have a much freer range of movement if the crotch of his trousers weren't hanging below his knees. [Yes dad - Chris]

While the judges deliberate, the Saturdays are here with their new single 'Notorious', which is sadly not a Duran Duran cover. Their dancing involves a lot of thrusting their breasts around (I think that might be lost on the audience of this show, to be perfectly honest) and the staging is themed around a lift, for some reason. The song is about being a gangster on the dancefloor, apparently, so that at least seems fitting for this show, although the back-up dancers in this routine do, for the most part, put the contestants on the show to shame.

As always, Cat applauds like they're just off-camera and not several miles away by now, and summons the dancers in danger back to the stage. As tonight's Head Judge, it's down to Arlene to announce the results, somewhat nervously. She calls Katrina forward first and tells her that the judges have been delighted at how she's risen to the many challenges they've set for her, even though she's a ballet dancer. Tonight, however, was not her best night. Bethany is called forward next, and her feedback is almost the opposite - she had a slow start in the competition but somehow managed to turn it around and become a contender. However, the viewers are obviously not feeling quite so passionate as the judges are. Arlene tells the girls that the result is not unanimous, but they've decided to send Katrina home. Katrina takes the news well enough, but Bethany - who's been rather emotionally intense all evening - sobs right into Katrina's microphone as she hugs her, which clearly makes it that bit harder for Katrina to keep it together. Cat tells Katrina she's been brilliant, and we see her best bits: primarily wowing the judges as a hip hop geisha mannequin, and her revealing that the show has changed her life. When we cut back to Katrina, she's welling up, and she tells Cat that she's loved every minute, and thanks everyone for everything. In the pit, Angry Luke is clearly having LOTS OF FEELINGS about Katrina's elimination, bless him. Katrina says that she's loved performing here every Saturday, and Cat promises not to forget her, and to follow her on Twitter and friend her on Facebook and all that sort of stuff. Katrina hugs Cat tightly and doesn't want to let go.

Tom and Israel move across for the Foregone Conclusion Of The Evening. Arlene tells them that she's going to "cut straight to the chase" because this time it is a unanimous decision (well, duh). Tom nods his head, because he's not stupid and knows this is a Tomlimination. Indeed, Tom's far more concerned about Katrina, and heads straight over to Cat and asks if she's okay, because he's really upset for her. D'awww. I SHIP IT. Cat promises to grab Katrina over in a second, after his best bits: obviously someone who wasn't on the judging panel compiled these, because they do actually show him dancing. I'd forgotten that he had longer hair in his audition - it's cute, but he probably does look better with the buzz cut. [He does not - Chris] He remembers being scared during the first live show and having SO MANY FEELINGS (calm down, Tom, you're not Luke), but despite everything, he's had the best time on this show. Hooray! Back in the studio, he very politely thanks the choreographers and the judges, before clapping the people in the Top 8. Katrina comes back on, having composed herself a bit, and while Cat trails next week's show, Tom leans over and gives Katrina a "buck up, little camper" smile and holds her hand. Next week: The Black Eyed Peas! (Ugh.) The rest of the contestants swarm the stage and Bethany Rose collapses into sobs on Katrina again, and she's got a whole huddle around her, while Tom's just being hugged by Kirsty and Lee. I don't think this is anything personal against him, I just think everyone's realised she's clearly the one more in need of reassurance at this exact moment. Then Matt comes over and hugs Tom, but Not In That Way, while Lee moves over to Katrina and makes efforts to co-ordinate the whole thing into one giant group hug. And we're done! See you next week for the quarter final.

So You Think You Can Make Artem Chigvintsev Cry?

2011-05-22T12:32:00.007+01:00

Top 10: 21st May 2011

Previously on So You Think You Can Dance? : A mercy killing. No, not of the whole show - just Rithy & Shane. And, as that barely counted as an elimination, we also said goodbye to Lee-Boy and Danielle. Bye Lee-Boy and Danielle! This means we are at our Top Ten, and they must stand in a line and do dramatic head-turn to camera, yes they must. (AndrogyLee kills this bit in particular. I vote for him on that alone. IT'S A RECOGNISED DANCE STYLE!) Five girls! Five boys! Ten dances! A BARROWMANDEMSUGA! This is :

SARAHPALINCANDANCE!

As with last week, we get the "here are the girls, here are your guys" entrance with our remaining ten, rather than a group routine. Which is a shame, because the group routines have generally been good fun this series. I'd take them over most of the partner routines to be honest. Anyway, in makeover news, Katie Love has styled her hair upwards, in a tribute to her new partner Angry Luke, and Charlotte's hair is frankly a ratty mess, although still preferable to what they've done to poor Katrina, which I believe is called a "Croydon Facelift" by the less class-sensitive amongst us. For the boys, it's mostly the same old, cept Matt has his hair done up like an anime hero.

Just whilst we're in a content-light bit of the show, I thought I'd bring you this. Yes, all the best routines on this show really HAVE been done before. [Oh, BOO to this show for that. I should know not to get excited, shouldn't I? - Steve] Glad that Tyce Diorio is here this week to rebalance things, and make sure some of the lame ones are too. (Admittedly that second one is more thematic, but STILL!)

Cat troops out dress as mid-90s Whitney Houston without the massive ear-rings. She thanks us all (/both) for tuning in, and says that as the amount of people in the show DECREASES, the amount of pressure INCREASES. That's reality-show physics that is. Like "Every body remains in a constant state of velocity, unless acted on by getting the pimp spot." Or "The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies in a showmance are equal, opposite, and SEXTACULAR". She reminds that the prize for the winner is still £50,000, and the "chance to dance in Hollywood", like Lizzie didn't just hop in a microlite and go there anyway.

Next, it's time to introduce the judges. Cat tells us that she's got some good news and she's got some bad news. No, Cat, this is just bad news. Yes, Nigel's got bored of this and told the producers that he has prior commitments/his gran's just died/he swears he didn't get the e-mail saying he had to turn up this week, and in his place, it's BARROWMAN. Cat tries to milk a disappointed reaction from the audience for Nigel's departure, and when she doesn't get one, she admonishes them "if we're going to do panto, let's do it well". Don't just stick to the audience Cat, go tell the producers. Two months ago, via time-machine.

Anywho, with Nigel gone, Arlene's driving the bus this week, as Head Judge (oh Christ. Seatbelts on everyone. And crash helmets. And better get that "write your own will" kit out your bag ready). Louise's face is decently painted for once, and Sisco has come as Willow Smith circa "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth" but with braids set to "maim". [*thumbs up* - Steve] BARROWMAN says that he's seen the contestants before, and called them all homos, at Choreography Butch, so he will be monitoring their growth, but above that he's going to be focusing on

a) storytelling

b) entertainment

He does not at all drive those themes into the ground over the next hour. He warns the other judges that he is a fresh set of eyes on the panel, so he may see things differently to them. Except for you Tom, you're still shit. He closes by saying that he's expecting some boos. Odd, when he gets them, he certainly doesn't act like it.

Arlene is asked how hard it was for the couples to learn two dances this week. Arlene says "really difficult". But Arlene is BORED of the nursery slopes, let's DOWN THE BLACK RUN AND SET THIS ON FIRE! If you mean "black rum" Arlene, and I think you did, I am with you 100%

Each couple will be dancing two routines this evening, vote for your favourite couple, partner swap, what partner swap, we never promised that, pay no attention to the vegetable behind the curtain, let's begin.

With Tom & Katrina. Cat reminds us that the judges are wankers to Tom every second of every week, but this week, he's come up with a solution! He's going to be a Superhero! Oh God, he's actually cracked hasn't he? Instead of coming out and dancing salsa, he's going to run round the stage in nothing but a pair of y-fronts, cape, and mask made out of banana skin, making trumpet noises with his mouth isn't he? Or at least I certainly hope so.

VT time now, and we open with Tom sighing that the judges comments last really upset him, and he felt nit-picked upon. LAST week? Try every week since birth. I bet when he came out the womb Arlene was there to give him an extra hard slap. And another one just to make sure. Katrina positively BEAMS into the camera that she feels really bad for Tom, because he works so hard, and she loves dancing with him. Also backlash voting for him is the only thing keeping her from joining all the other fodder contestants who got no screen-time before the live shows started.

Out of the CatBox they draw Jazz and Salsa. So poor performance slot AND Latin Curse then? Marvellous. Katrina looks a bit nervous, but Tom reassures her that they'll just try their best, as they always do. Baw.

In training, they've drawn Tyce Diorio (/Tasty Oreo) for jazz, and he tells us all that this routine is going to be classic, sexy jazz. Nice. Katrina, like the best possible friend, tells Tyce that Tom is feeling low this week after the judges savaged him, so they stage a mini-intervention to get him back up on his feet. I'm not really sure what form this intervention takes, as I'm too distracted by the fact that Tyce has a tattoo of a Celtic cross on the back of his neck. Now that IS jazz. Anyway, whatever it is it works, because Tom says he's feeling much better by the time it comes to be shouted at By Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jaci for Salsa training.

So much better that he strips his shirt off, rubs in liberal amounts of fake tan, waxes his...elbows, puts on a fake moustache and a hideous red-shirt and proclaims himself to be Salsa Man. I think this intervention went badly, badly wrong. I guess this is what happens when you go to Tasty Oreo rather than a proper professional therapist. Katrina grins down the camera-lens, afraid for her life, and chirps "bring it on".

Out to the stage now, for their salsa routine, with a bar-themed set. Tom is the trumpeter, Katrina is the sexy dancer who is flirtatiously teasing him, and neither one of them is really moving their hips an awful lot. The camera seems far interested than him than her at all points, possibly because they're thinking he might have a Salsa Man psychotic break on live tv, and it's a bit of a shame because she's doing better than he is, albeit not to a blow-out extent. She climbs on a table for a bit, then there's a fake-out kiss at the end with all the explosive sexual chemistry of BARROWMAN and Arlene...it's not great, to be honest. I know the Latin Curse has dissipated somewhat in its powers to get people voted off, but it's clearly not dissipated in terms of producing watchable dances. Also he's wearing artfully unhooked braces, which is right up there with undone bow-ties in terms of things I can't stand. Also it seems impractical, given that the straps are flailing around and may LITERALLY HAVE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT. Where's the Health & Safety on this show this week? [Ask Kirsty. - Steve]

Once they're doing, Shouty Salsa Chris...shouts from the audience, and someone waves a "Team Tom" banner that looks like it's sourced from a picture from before when Tom went mental. Ah, happier times. Arlene starts for the judges, saying that the salsa needs sauce, sex, sizzle, and speaking from the hips. And that had none. She examined Tom's lower half with her imaginary magnifying glass and saw NOTHING. How emasculating. BARROWMAN declares that there was so sex appeal in that routine at all, and it was not at all a spicy dipping sauce. BECAUSE THAT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR SALSA! Thanks BARROWMAN!

Louise follows up by saying that she agrees with the other two - it had no sex appeal whatsoever. She thinks Katrina in particular obviously has a problem letting go and showing her sexy side. BARROWMAN demand that Louise do a sexy face for him, Louise basically tells him to sod off. Cat then reassures the nation that she knows that Louise can do a sexy face (as soon as Rithy's gone she's all over other women. I'm guessing she took that break-up hard) whilst Arlene blathers on about hips some more. Sisco finishes us off by saying that he disagrees with the others - Tom's faces certainly did it for him. Katrina wasn't doing her best dancing of the series, but he'll take it. And besides, who says a salsa has to be sexy? I'm guessing a routine that ended with table dancing, a fake-out kiss and a lift at the end where Katrina pointed her vagina at Tom's face was supposed to be at least a little flirtatious Sisco. Anyway, Sisco starts bellowing about how he's a LATINO SO HE KNOWS and he and Arlene yell at one another til close.

As Cat reads out the numbers, she rubs the back of Tom's head (I swear, Rithy done broke her heart) as Tom looks vaguely concerned and bewildered that one of the judges gave him praise. Don't worry Tapper Tom, it won't last.

Bethany-Rose and Israel now, and Cat informs us that Bethany-Rose set Israel up on a date this week, with someone with long hair, long legs, and great muscle tone. Was it AndrogyLee? NO, IT WAS A HORSE. I am so shocked that Bethany-Rose is a horsey girl I cannot even tell you.

In their VT, Bethany-Rose and Israel both gush about how great it was to get a standing ovation from "all four" (take that Matt & Scally) judges last week, for their "Kiss Of The Spider Woman" routine. Hooray! Out of the CatBox they draw Lyrical Hip Hop (Israel beams "good times" and Bethany-Rose twitters merrily) and Charleston (Bethany-Rose bounces up and down with glee, Israel looks like he's trying to work out a giant fart without making a noise). Israel's obvious disappointment with Charleston does not AT ALL show up doing the routine later or anything.

In additional VT news, it's the turn of these two for a "meet the family" segment this week, except, as Bethany-Rose very solemnly informs us, her family are all animals. That's right, she was raised by donkeys and chickens and horses after they found her abandoned on their doorstep in a basket marked "please look after this dancer". She learned all her best stripper moves from a llama. Israel looks terrified by this insanity, but just passes it off as being a "city boy", rather than at finding out your new best friend thinks she was potty-trained by a Shetland Pony. They go horse-riding for a bit, and Israel comically struggles. Well as would any of us if we were asked to meet a new partner's parent and the first thing you do is ride them around their house on all fours.

Well, except with one boyfriend's father... (F'NAR F'NAR!)

Eventually they get round to actually training, with the Charleston/Lindy choreographer couple from Strictly. Bethany-Rose worries she might not have the stamina for the routine, as the choreographer man takes us through a whole bunch of moves we already saw Chris & Ola do on Strictly a while back. The things you can actually do in Charleston seem kind of...limited. Meanwhile, for Lyrical Hip-Hop, Kate Prince is telling us that her routine what she wrote is about the end of a marriage, so it's very RAW AND EMOTIONAL. Bethany-Rose informs us all that in rehearsals she found herself crying all the time for reasons she couldn't identify. If I had to work with Kate Prince I imagine I'd end up the same way. We close with her saying that there's no way they're leaving this week "straight dizzle". THAT'S WHAT YOU BLACK PEOPLE SAY ISN'T IT ISRAEL? Israel agrees that is indeed what black people say.

Out to the stage now, and a giant circle of red rose petals on the floor. I'm so excited. I feel like I've somehow gained access to My Nemesis' Kate Prince's diary, and am reading about all her secret 15 year old girl feelings. I kind of want to photocopy it and staple it to the school noticeboard. Israel and Bethany-Rose are dancing to that version of "Love The Way You Lie" where it's just Rihanna singing rather than the version with Eminem rapping in it as well, which is probably why it feels possibly closer to a straight-up contemporary routine than lyrical hip-hop. Either way, I enjoy it quite lot, mostly because Israel is really selling the emotion and keeping his dancing strong. Bethany-Rose is a bit of an after-thought in terms of what she's being asked to do, but she carries herself well as well. There's a lot of silly petal throwing as a metaphor for emotion, which all feels a bit University Devised Piece, but it's probably my favourite Kate Prince routine ever (*DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE KLAXON*).

Cat calls them over to the judges once they're done, smiling that they don't have to solve their problems by shouting at and over one another. Why not talk things through like grown-ups? Sadly, she's referring to Israel and Bethany-Rose, not the judges. Sisco starts by praising Kate Prince for really laying out her true emotions in that routine. It's so rare on this show to have a choreographer produce a great big incontinent and scary fountain of feelings like that. Kate Prince, in her Big Top at Mothercare dress, stares at her feet and mumbles a thanks. Oh and Israel and Bethany-Rose did her justice, whilst being by no means technically perfect. Well done them. From the audience, Israel's mum watches on, waiting.

Louise praises them both for taking the competition in both hands and really pushing hard with that routine, particularly Bethany-Rose. At this, for no reason, Cat brings up the skateboarding routine of two weeks ago again. Why Cat why? The show's already going to have to spend most of its after-care budget on deprogramming Tom, don't traumatise the rest of the cast. And me. As if that's not enough, Arlene leaps to her feet and starts threatening to rush the stage and hug Israel. THAT ROUTINE HAD ALL THE DRAMA AND REALISM OF THE KATIE PRICE AND PETER ANDRE BREAK-UP. NB : she's saying this as a compliment. BARROWMAN closes by saying that he got goosebumps and was in tears (SO MACHO) [SUGASUGASUGA - Steve] over that, so it was perfect storytelling. WELL DONE!

As Cat reads out their number, Israel's mum is on her feet and yelling again. So that's 20 minutes in, if you're in a sweepstake.

Charlotte and Matt are next, as Cat tells us that this week they swapped jazz hands for Scarborough sands. Good lord Cat, the janitors are already going to be busy enough getting all those rose petals off the stage, let alone METAPHORICAL EMOTIONAL SAND.

In their VT, Matt and Scally talk about how intense last week was, and how she wants to make Sisco's job hard every week by making it impossible to criticise them. Oh Charlotte, Sisco's job is hard enough as it is, what with having to remember to both breathe and blink. Don't overload the poor lamb. Out of the CatBox they draw contemporary and disco (THAT'S A TYPE OF CRISP ISN'T IT? HOW DO I DANCE A CRISP?) and Matt proclaims that this is all so exhausting that he feels like he needs a holiday.

TO SCARBOROUGH! Wow, that was in no way a clunky piece of editing. Yes, Matt has brought Scally to Scarborough to teach her what the North is like, as she has never been further North than Watford. Contrary to Arlene's claims earlier in the series, there are minimal shots of teenagers doing foxtrots in the club to Chase & Status, and instead Matt & Scally just tit around on the beach, with her demanding "PONY RIDES!" (*face palm*) and constantly shoving food into Matt's face. Ice-cream, candy floss, possibly a hot dog and a packet of Fun-Yums. They then play on the dodgems and build a sand-castle. I have no idea what it says about the mentality of this show that it's presenting its strongest female dancer (it says here) as having the mentality of a 4 year old who's eaten too many Tangfastics. Matt actually has to tell her that it's time to go home now for the love of...

In training, Charlotte very earnestly says that she really wants to show her true inner emotions in their contemporary routine, rather than hiding behind a smile as she has done in recent weeks. At this Matt mildly takes the piss, saying "inner emotions" in a OTT earnest voice. I'm growing fond of MattFlintMania. Hopefully next week he'll be put in a partnership where he isn't cornered by the edit into acting like a CBBC presenter meeting a fan. For disco, they both again emphasise how very DIFFERENT disco is from everything they've done so far, probably because they've realised that, jazz aside, all their routines thus far could have come from the same slightly dreary 1950s movie. We finish on this in-no way scripted bit :

Scally : I WANNA SHOW WE'RE NOT ONE TRICK DONKEYS!

Matt : IT'S ONE TRICK PONIES! (*YOU MORON!*)

Scally : YEAH, BUT YOU SAID IT WAS DONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt : HA HA HA!!!!

(*goes to happy place*)

Out to the stage now, and both Matt and Scally are suitably 70s'd up, and are standing on light-boxes, pulsing out bright primary colours. They're dancing to "You Should Be Dancing", although not the Bee Gees version, so what's the point really. They trick their way across the light-boxes to the end, and then take to the floor for a whole lot of lifts (oh hai Giant Lady Disco routine!) and also maybe some dancing in there somewhere as well. It's all a bit gluey and slow for disco for me, and some of the arm cross-overs and lifts are a bit awkward. Still, there's a lot of energy going into it, more-so from him than her, although when your part of the routine is 80% being thrown in the air and 10% having Matt spank your bum, you do what you can I guess.

Over to the judges they strut, and Cat basically commands the audience to stare at MattFlintMania's crotch, as she goes on and on about his tight trousers. Now she knows why John Travolta walked like that in Saturday Night Fever. I can think of a few reasons I've heard rumoured that might explain why John Travolta walks funny occasionally, and they don't involve ti(*Redacted by Bitch Blogs Extensive Team Of Lawyers*). [Don't go naming any footballers with superinjunctions either. - Steve] Matt stretches the crotch out with a squat, to preserve his modesty.

Louise starts for the judges, saying that they were amazing and perfect as always, but she felt that MattFlintMania was more modern and cool with it, and she wanted to see Scally got down and "Saturday Night" a bit more. She can tell that Arlene's about to start yelling like a moron at her though. Arlene yelps "YOU BET!" (Louise looks at her all "well done on not defying my low expectations of you Arlene") and proclaims, jabbing her finger about wildly, that Scally stole the routine, because Matt was overworking it and he hauled her around like a JCB. BARROWMAN says that he agrees with both Arlene and Louise. They were both rubbish. HE WAS HOPING FOR A HOT ITALIAN COUPLE DOING THE DISCO (?!) BUT INSTEAD HE GOT A BLAND ITALIAN MEAL WITH SOME TRICKS IN IT! The audience boo lustily, and BARROWMAN boos them back.

Sisco finishes by saying that BARROWMAN is juss jelus that Matt got the outfit he wanted for the evening, and that that was camptastic fun. Well done. It's nice that the arrival of BARROWMAN has heralded also the arrival of "juss jelus" as a judging critique. Really elevating the show isn't he?

Cat reads out the numbers, and by "reads out the numbers" I mean "asks MattFlintMania if he has a big cock" (/"do you fill those tight trousers out nicely?"). I bet Rithy didn't even leave a goodbye note.

Next up, Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty and AndrogyLee, who are dressed up as hippies. Cat tells us all that in rehearsal, Kirsty and Lee B fell victim to an accident that nearly saw her off the show for good. OH GOD. HE'S ONLY GONE AND KNOCKED HER UP. You know, free love has its consequences.

VT now, which is being soundtracked by Lipstick by Jedward (amazing). AndrogyLee boasts about how well their Argentine Tango went last week and also about how they're now in the Top Ten. WHOO! Actually, now that Katrina and Tom are gone (spoilers!), he's officially the LAST FODDER STANDING. Who needs audition footage? Backstage, Nigel creeps up behind them and tells them that their Argentine Tango was amazing. AndrogyLee bugs his eyes out in excitement, and Kirsty thanks him profusely. Bless. Out of the CatBox, they draw Broadway and Hip Hop and look like they're trying to hold back feelings of disappointment. At least in Broadway there's SOME chance you might not be subject to endless "BUTCH UP NANCY BOY!" comments though AndrogyLee.

They're with Tasty Oreo for their Broadway, who tells them that their routine is all about free love and flower power, so should be PERFECT for AndrogyLee. AndrogyLee gives the lie to this by slumping up against a mirror looking like one of the living dead. All this free love is hard work it turns out. Fortunately for them, they've got...oh. They've got Kenrick for the hip-hop. Remember? The one who ground Alice and Charlie down into dirt before they went home. Him. He's choreographed a routine based around two business partners deciding to just THROW AWAY THEIR PAPERS and have fun via the medium of hip hop. WHY CAN PEOPLE NEVER JUST DANCE HIP-HOP ON THIS SHOW? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BUSINESS PARTNERS AND LYRICAL ROBOTS AND BOOT-CAMPS AND MANNEQUINS COMING TO LIFE? And...breathe.

We cut to Friday rehearsals, where Kirsty and AndrogyLee are dancing on a table. One of the legs gives way, catapulting Kirsty into the ground face first. (She is now officially Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty). Kirsty then sues the show, and wins a pay-out of £50,000, making her officially the winner of So You Think You Can Dance Series 2. She takes AndrogyLee to Hollywood with the money, where they blow it all on cocktails and jewellery, and both find rich old Latino millionaires to marry. THE BEST POSSIBLE ENDING IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD. LET'S JUST PRETEND THIS HAPPENED. [It's canon as far as I'm concerned. - Steve]

OK, out to the stage, and I'm not afraid to tell you that the start of this routine coincided with the time the Rapture was supposed to start, and sod the coincidental volcanos and earthquakes, THIS is what scared me the most that it was about to happen. Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Compo-Queen Kirsty and AndrogyLee both loon around the stage like they're on a LOT OF CHEMICAL UPPERS for 90 seconds to the sounds of The Age Of Aquarius. It's amazing. I'm not sure it's a dance. But it's amazing. She's kind of heavy-footed in it, at points he spazzes around like he's in the middle of a werewolf-transformation for much of it, but in terms of capturing the feeling of a performance of Hair, this is right on it.

(Fun Fact : at my primary school we used to sing the songs of Hair instead of hymns in morning assembly. Oh yes, it was one of THOSE schools. I still now all the words to Good Morning Starshine)

Cat calls them over, laughing that she'll have what they're having. by which she means DRUGS. BARROWMAN is called upon to start, and he tells us all that he was in the 25th anniversary revival of Hair. Any excuse to get your nob out, eh BARROWMAN? He says that they were very brave, and they danced it well, but it was like no style of Broadway he's ever seen, it had no story (dear John : the story is that they were on a lot of drugs) and it just didn't work. Someone very mildly boos him from the audience, and he snaps back "OH, GO BOO YOURSELF!" Great. Cat asks him to clarify that he's just got a bug up his bum about the choreography, and he clarifies that yes, he hated it because there was no story, and also he hates Hair for some reason. Someone (I think it might have been me), yells "BRING BACK NIGEL!" and BARROWMAN throws a huff saying that NIGEL'S NOT HERE, HE'S HERE, AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB COME UP HERE. Would that the random booer had been allowed. I'd take him. [There should've been an interactive audience poll at this point. Random booer would've won in a landslide. - Steve]

Arlene then breaks in to say that she saw storytelling, and it was about free love (WHERE?!) as far as she saw it (YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! YOU NEED GLASSES! like, four times he says this, right in her face, jabbing the table) or at least as much as you could do at 5:30 (THEN DON'T DO IT AT 5:30!). It was just like the film Hair (WE'RE NOT DOING A FILM! THEY'RE DANCING ON A STAGE) by Twyla Tharp which portrayed the feeling of the stage show Hair. It was an experimental film, and that was experimental Broadway (I DON'T WANT EXPERIMENTAL BROADWAY, I WANT BLAND ANODYNE TITS AND TEETH SATURDAY NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT SHIT! THIS IS A COMPETITION! YOU NEED TO DO ROUTINES THAT...oh I'm not even going to finish, worst judge ever.)

If BARROWMAN is allowed to snap and cat-call at the audience over one mild boo, then Arlene is allowed to, proportionately, kick him in the nuts repeatedly with Rosa Klebb shoes after that. She finishes by saying that Kirsty and AndrogyLee are great and she hopes they come back next week. This has gone on so long now that Sisco and Louise don't even get to offer their opinions up. And I'm saying this as a COMPLAINT, that's how awful that just was.

Next up, it's Angry Luke and Katie Love, or as Cat refers to them, "Blondie and P!nk". This is actually probably a more accurate idea than "Beiber and Rihanna" was. [Although "Jedward" would've been more accurate still. - Steve]

Their VT reminds us that this is our Frankenstein couple made up out of the survivors of last week's Double Elimination massacre. Both of them say they've just got to plough on and try their hardest, and avoid the fate of every single other person who has ever escaped the Bottom this series - ie going straight back into it. Out of the CatBox they draw Commercial (Katie Love eagerly does up her eyes and hopes for a better genre for their second pick) and Viennese Waltz (the light dies).

Cut now to...Angry Luke and Katie Love frolicking merrily in a meadow as "Just The Two Of Us" plays, and then getting tattooed across their knuckles with the other's name. I think some of the marijuana haze that sat over that last routine might just have leaked out of my television set. I hope those weren't actual tattoos they were getting (NB : I know full well that they were not and there in fact has not been a moment of truth in any VT aired this entire series). [Apart from the "Luke and Danielle hate each other" one, obviously. - Steve]

In rehearsals now, and we learn that their Viennese Waltz is being choreographed by Artem Chigvintsev. Frankly I can't wait for the FEELINGS of Angry Luke to collide with the FEELINGS of Artem Chigvintsev in a glorious explosion of crying. Lots and lots of crying. Artem mumbles something adorable in a thick Russian accent into the camera about how hard the Viennese Waltz is, because of all the lines and the rhythms and the *melts*

Next up is Mandy Moore to teach them about their Commercial routine, and she chides them mildly for their lack of chemistry in a routine about two naughty school kids causing a ruckus in detention. Presumably Angry Luke is there because he hauled off and popped a teacher in the jaw when the teacher rejected his submission of an essay about 16th century Sheep Tax via the medium of interpretive dance. Katie Love's probably there for uniform violation. Of a uniform that wasn't even hers. Luke and Katie finish by worrying slightly about how the newness of their partnership might affect their chemistry. I worry slightly about the effect it's had on her brain, as she has shaved her hair into a semi-mohawk to match his. Oh dear. She looks a bit like a midget Brigitte Nielsen impersonator.

Out to the stage now, and they're dancing their commercial to "Who's That Chick?" by Rihanna and that David Guetta person who lurks around in the back of music videos these days looking like a perv. Both Luke and Katie are in their school uniforms, and trying to look suitably juvenile, in a very prop heavy routine. There's lots of playing around with tables and chairs, rolling them over and doing tricks by propping yourself up on the up-turned legs. Sadly in a school context such as this one, this sort of thing reminds me of Hockey-Stick Kirsty, so I'm on the edge of my seat throughout hoping that Katie Love doesn't suffer an injury to her intimates. I would imagine she'll need that vagina for later. She stumbles once or twice, but other than that it's an enjoyable routine, if ultimately pretty forgettable. Mandy Moore obviously doesn't know Angry Luke that well, because if she did (you know, like I do), the routine would have ended not with a kiss, but with the pair of them setting fire to the school.

SO MANY FEELINGS!

Cat calls them over, and asks Luke how it feels to be in a new partnership. He replies that it's always difficult when you lose a dance partner (whether it's through different life opportunities, age, or screaming rows where you stick a dustbin over their head and beat it repeatedly with a tennis racquet screaming "I MADE YOU, AND I CAN DESTROY YOU TOO DANIELLE CATO!". Or however it might happen) but he's very glad to still be on the show and he's going to move on to where he needs to be.

Arlene starts by gushing that they look like they both just came straight out of Gossip Girl (I don't think they're old enough to play teenagers on Gossip Girl are they?) and it was super hot. Louise follows by saying that, now that stinky old Lee-Boy's gone, Katie has no excuses for not being at her best every single week. Poor Lee-Boy. Can you imagine how badly they're going to slag Tom once he's out of "the room" next week? The group dance will probably be funeral themed, with all the remaining dancers dance-miming violating his corpse.

Sisco follows, and praises Angry Luke effusively for really LIVING this week after being in the Danger Dancing For Your Life Bottom Zone last week, then smirks to Katie Love about how ironic it is that up to now she's been in a position where her partner's constantly had to come up to her standard, whereas now she's the one lagging behind. Worrabitch. BARROWMAN closes by saying that this was clearly a partnership that was destined to be together BY FATE. Yeah, remember the last time they were together? In Choreography Camp? With the walkography? DESTINY. (Also, how exciting/interesting/depressing/not depressing that 3 out of that Group Of Walkography Doom are now part of the Top Eight, the other one being Bethany.)

Cat reads out the numbers, Katie Love pulls excited gurny faces, and we are at the half-way mark of the show, in terms of routines. Fortunately, we're not getting VTs for the second batch, as the Producers couldn't come up with any feasible way of making them more contrived and intelligence-insulting. Huzzah!

Katrina Ballerina and Tom are up first, doing Tasty Orio's jazz routine to Summertime (the Sylvester version) (not the Sue Sylvester version) (sadly). There's lots of sexy jazztime rolling around on the floor and thrusts and struts and boob-touching and neither of them really look into one another at all. I guess this is one of those things where people who have chemistry off-stage don't have it on the floor, but there's absolutely no heat going on whatsoever, although the fact that they're dressed like a Liberty X Video isn't really helping either. After over a month working together though, you'd expect them at least to be comfortable touching one another's bodies (I know I am with all my work colleagues *thumbs up*), and they're just...not. Also the routine is genericpants, but it's Tasty Oreo, what do you expect?

Cat calls them over, calling them a "sparkly pair", and asks Arlene what she thinks. Arlene thinks that they looked sexy in the very beginning, but from then on it was all a bit smiley and nice. The music was wailing sex, and their routine was whaling sex. IE, got to do it quick before the harpooner notices. As if this wasn't awkward enough, BARROWMAN then decides, for some reason to do with chemistry that we all might think BUT NOT SAY BECAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSING AND IS NEVER GOING TO GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER, to ask Katrina if she has a ladyboner for Tom. Nobody says anything for the next millennium and Cat looks like she wants to die, and Katrina looks like she wants to die, and Tom looks BAFFLED, and we move on. Stay classy BARROWMAN.

Louise follows, by saying that Katrina is a very sexy lady and needs to go home and practice being a very sexy lady, possibly with a hand-mirror and a copy of Playgirl. Tom on the other hand, she's just going to apologise for the last month and a half of flaming dog-poo in a bag criticism he's got, because she feels bad, and it's a handy-dandy way to talk about that routine, about which there is nothing to say. Sisco closes by saying that Tom was in fact very sexy during the routine, but Katrina, whilst she was very sexual with her body, needs to learn how to do "Fire-eyes". Do we all know what "fire-eyes" (burning like fire?) are children? It's when you pooch your mouth up and squint like a Baldwin Brother. Tyra Banks calls it "smizing". Katrina Ballerina apparently does "Fire-eyes", but the camera's too busy with Sisco being Sisco to catch it on film.

Cat reads out their voting number one more time, Tom rubs Cat's arse a bit and winks at her. I'm saying nothing. Poor Rithy. Poor Katrina Ballerina. It was never meant to end this way.

At this interstitial, Cat promises us later AndrogyLee and Kirsty going "bonkers in the Boardroom" and Luke and Katie "taking us back to the 1750s" (when they dance to Billy Joel), but first, it's time for Israel and Bethany-Rose to do the Charleston!

She's dressed as a flapper, he's dressed as a 1920s airman, and they have a jolly good time. Well, Bethany-Rose Lee does anyway. Just like in disco, Israel kind of looks like he'd rather be having his teeth pulled. I don't think he's really got the hang of faking upbeat beyond just plastering on a smile not quite big enough to stop the cracks of confusion and concentration coming through. There's a lot going on, quite a bit of it going wrong, but they plough on regardless and it's not a complete waste of time. I do think they might have done a bit better votes-wise if their performance order had been reversed, although between their first routine and Matt/Scally's second we would have been drowning in emo come AndrogyLee/Kirsty.

Cat calls them over with Cat winking at Israel that she likes how he adjusts his goggles once the performance is over. GOOD LORD CAT, WILL YOU CALM YOUR VAGINA DOWN? She'll be back for the final! Sisco starts for the judges, saying that there were technical mistakes (blah blah blah) left, right and centre, but this is apparently what Saturday Night TV is about. Tragically, he's right. At this point in time. BARROWMAN agrees that it was great SATURDAY NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT (*drink*), although it started to lose energy by the end.

Arlene follows up by telling Israel that he looks like an idiot, but he really portrayed the character well. She would have appreciated a few more technical elements in there, but apart from that, this couple are RACING ahead. Cat giggles also at Israel's outlandish uniform, saying it's like the last day of term at school, when you can pick whatever you want to wear. Yes Cat, the amount of people who came in for non-uniform at my school dressed as Amelia Earhart and/or Charles Lindburgh was LEGION. Louise finishes by saying that this routine shows why the show is so great - Israel was just a hip hop boy at the beginning, and here he is DOING THE CHARLESTON! This alone is enough to justify his staying in.

As the numbers are read out, Israel is asked if he ever thought he'd be stood here on SATURDAYNIGHTENTERTAINMENT TV, dressed like this. He says no. Good enough for me.

Next up are Matt & Scally, doing their Contemporary routine to some cover (sadly not SuBo's) of "Wild Horses". It's very, very, very overwrought and histrionic. Lots of thrashing of hair and sad faces and STRONG EMOTIONS, and not at all my cup of tea. It reminds me very much of Cancer Dance, which Tasty Oreo also choreographed, in that it's all a little too much to the extent that Charlotte's little frozen face of being a terrified Wild Horse being broken by arrogant stable boy Matt (or whatever the storyline is. It could easily be "America's Next Top Model contestant breaks down over her shitty new weave, but Jay Manuel forces her to do the photoshoot anyway") becomes mildly comedic. They're both dancing their guns off, and I think it's the first routine where she really outshines him (although he is still good, and she is admittedly the focus of the routine) but all in all I find it a bit baffling.

Cat pulls them over, and says that that was the COMPLETE antithesis of disco. Wasn't it? Wasn't it ARLENE? Sadly (?), Arlene proclaims herself to be speechless at the poetic rendering of dance she just saw, particularly from Charlotte, who is a WILD HORSE DANCE GODDESS. This sets Charlotte off crying, as she's clearly been on the edge of doing since the end of the routine. Arlene expresses her sorrow that this couple will be be split up next week, until the producers decide that they won't be.

Cat asks Charlotte why she's crying IS IT CAUSE SHE LEFT THE OVEN ON? Charlotte replies that it isn't, and then Cat makes fun of her funny accent. Being Brummy, I feel that was something of payback for her. Cat ascertains that Scally is crying for mysterious reasons she will not divulge, and we move on. BARROWMAN, with tears in his eyes, says he could have watched that routine all evening, and after their crappy disco, they just set the bar for the evening. There's only two routines to go BARROWMAN, it's a bit let to be setting the bar. Although not too early to be hitting the bar, from my perspective.

Louise calls them both truly beautiful and says that both of them finished every last motion they did all the way through with both their arms and their feet. Well done them. Charlotte at this point breaks down further and starts muttering to herself to GET IT TOGETHER SCALLY! Cat, not missing an opportunity to make fun, of course broadcasts this to the entire room. Sisco finishes by saying that, he's probably going to get in trouble for saying this, but he thinks that...maybe...just maybe they might be two of the finalists. Keep up Sisco. Nigel declared them the actual Top Two at least a month ago. Anyway, they are both technically flawless in everything they do, well done them.

Cat reads out the numbers, Scally continues to weep.

OK, next up at the end of this accelerated portion of the show are Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Compo-Queen Kirsty and AndrogyLee, bravely facing up to the table that nearly killed Kirsty's face. And...I feel bad at pointing out the accidental comedy I saw in the Wild Horses routine, because this is unintentional laffos from beginning to end. I think it's the combination of the fact that it's a comedic idea in the first place, being played out by the two people least redolent of actual hip-hop dancers, and they're giving it MAJOR butch lesbian energy. Like, EVERYWHERE. On the table, on the chairs, sprinting around the floor. Kirsty in particular is serving up 100% Ruth Badger Realness. It's high-energy hand-flapping, armography-free madness the whole way through. It's not hip-hop as we know it. It may be an evolution. It's to "Pass Out" by Tinie Tempah. And at the end, they do indeed pass out. Then Kirsty rips open her business shirt to reveal "YOU'RE FIRED" written across her boobs.

One for the ages.

Cat pulls them over, and congratulates Kirsty on her bravery on getting back up on the table after the thing that happened (PLEASE DON'T SUE PLEASE DON'T SUE PLEASE DON'T SUE!). Kirsty said that she was really nervous, because falling onto her face was really awful, but she just had to face up to her demons. Which now include a table.

Sisco starts and, as hip-hop is his speciality, he says he's going to get technical. They were no swagger, it was a bit stiff, the grooves weren't easy to digest because they were getting all the different elements of style in the routine (which apparently included something called the "Willy bounce") [I think that was a key part of Danielle and Luke's commercial routine. You know, the one where he was just wearing a pair of shorts. Er, not that I was looking. - Steve] were all mushed up, but he really loved how they gave it 110% (TM The Apprentice). He really hopes they both stay in.

Cat asks Louise if an A for effort would be right, and Louise says NO, THAT WAS AMAZING AND SHE KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT HIP-HOP LET HER TELL YOU. She thinks that these two come out every week, take in everything the judges say, and learn and grow from it. Hooray. Arlene next, and she says that that was the BEST DANCING SHE'S EVER SEEN HIM DO. Kirsty was rushing the beat, but AndrogyLee is OFFICIALLY IN THIS TO STILL BE IN THIS! Of course she didn't say "to win it". Even this show isn't that factually inaccurate.

BARROWMAN closes by praising their STORYTELLING (*drink*) and tells Kirsty that she is so cute and cute as pie. Well that's not at all patronising. Do you know what, I'm just going to pretend that Giant Lady was the Special Guest Judge this week for the final routine. Any objections? Yes? Good.

Last to the floor are Angry Luke and Katie Love, doing their Viennese Waltz to "She's Always A Woman" (original version), which is about a woman who's a huge pain in the tail, but gets away with it because she's charming. I'm saying nothing, except that I reiterate my love for Katie Love, despite all her...foibles. Anyway, this is really romantic and charming, although so little like a Viennese Waltz that I expect Len Goodman to storm across the stage waving a 6 paddle and for Artem to burst into tears. Angry Luke utilises his height in Ian Waite ways (albeit slightly less bulky and gaymazing) (slightly), and Katie Love is very delicate and soft. Good job.

Louise starts for the judges calling the routine seamless and fluid. She's sure that there's technical things that all these other judges who know things are going to pull apart, but it looked effortless to her, and they make a gorgeous pair. Arlene follows up on this technical point by saying that their frame was great and Artem must have taught them really well. Cut to Artem in the audience looking on the verge of tears and really disappointed and pissy all in the one facial expression. Kristina Rihanoff is also sat there, and HER face is reading "I GET NO BLOODY CREDIT ALL BLOODY EPISODE, THANKS A BLOODY LOT ARLENE, I'M GLAD YOU GOT FIRED". Arlene thinks that Katie Love in particular was great, although Luke could have been better with his arms and flowed more. Sisco huffs that Arlene is being technical (having just talked at length about the lack of locked in swagger groove thrustbase alpha in the last routine) and Arlene huffs back that she was just picking up on technicalities as asked.

Sisco takes his shoes off (which he claims are Louboutins but which more like Converse but with tinsel left over from Jessie J applied with a Pritt Stick by one of Bethany-Rose's sister-horses) and bangs them together and starts yelling about how ghetto he is. Giant Lady yells at him to "GET OVER IT!". Cat reads out the numbers, and sends Angry Luke and Katie on their merry way.

Judges Questions Time : Louise is asked if the pressure is really on now? Louise says this it is. Giant Lady is asked if she enjoyed herself. She says that she's had a fabulous time Cat, and thank you for having her, and she's really enjoying her party bag complete with noise-maker and slice of cake. Arlene is asked who stood out for her as being amazing, and she replies that Bethany-Rose and Israel are the stand-outs for her. Israel embodies everything the competition is all about and has now changed her mind about him. Who wants to bet that next week with Tom gone, she's right back on him with a VENGEANCE?

Sisco closes and is asked who thinks is in trouble and who gave the stand-out performance. He says that we're going to call him rubbish (YOU'RE RUBBISH SISCO), but he loves them all like they're his children, so he can't choose who's leaving. But Katie & Luke were the best at the end there with the Viennese Waltz.

Lines open and we get our obligatory recap portion of the evening : Tom and Katrina apparently ending sex everywhere for everyone forever ; Bethany-Rose and Israel acting out Kate Prince's teenage journal then flapping around at random to a 20s beat ; Matt and Charlotte making me wish Giant Lady HAD been a Guest Judge this week rather than a choreographer then crying blood over how awful Scally's hair has got ; Kirsty and Lee B being on drugs then making us all feel like we were ; Danielle and Angry Luke finding one another in detention, then always being a woman TO ME.

Everyone lines up in their exciting costumes, and that is the end. Steven has your results recap...right now.

So You Think You Can Go Out Looking Like That Young Lady?

2011-05-15T12:39:00.007+01:00

Top 14 Results: 14th May 2011

Earlier tonight, 14 fantastic performers (really? that many?) danced for our votes, sayeth Cat, and now they're all sat hoping that their dreams of becoming Britain's Favourite Dancer aren't about to be ended. Eh, judging from Rithy's demeanour the whole evening, I think she's kind of over it. And I think Tom's just waiting until he gets all the pieces of that Doomsday Device he's ordered via mail to take the judges faces off with. Anyway, two girls and two boys are about to LEAVE the competition for good. Oh no! Not on

ZARATHUSTRA CAN DANCE!

We open on a group routine, based around the idea of exhibits in an art gallery coming to life after the place is closed for the night, because Tyce Diorio is a highly original choreographer with many new and fresh ideas about how to frame a dance. And it's to Born This Way! By Lady Gaga! Breaking out the box again Tyce! [Matt and Tom would just like to make it very clear at this point that they were definitely not Born That Way, and here's a VT of them smoking, drinking and playing pool to prove it. - Steve] Anyway, it begins with Danielle in leopard-print doing an awesome job of opening - tippy-toeing out of the painting and hoofing her leg in the air in a very exciting way and then...your guess is as good as mine for the rest of it. The cameramen have had a tough enough job following 2 people at a time this evening, let alone 14. At a guess, Katrina, Lee-Boy, Shane and AndrogyLee look like they're having a whale of a time - Matt looks kind of lost for once.

On Gay Agenda!!! watch, they edit out "Don't Be A Drag Just Be A Queen", which is a shame, because the obnoxious parts of this song are the best, but they leave in "No Matter Gay, Straight, Or Bi, Lesbian, Transgender Life" which is the best bit, because I know the basic sentiment of being justified by being "Born This Way" really meshes well with most transgender people I've known. HOORAY FOR GAGA! Anyway, the painting frame they all burst out from at the beginning is pulled back, and they all forward roll through it like they're S Club 7. Oh and Danielle's leaping right at the camera for "BEIGE!", which is kind of appropriate I guess.

Cat comes out, looking very Children Of The Corn, Future-Peasant chic, and tells us all that we are to put our hands together for Tyce Diorio, as that was a thing what he done. Oh and Jessie J will be coming up later with her new single "Amp-i-App". But before all that noise, the phone lines have now closed, and our votes have been counted and verified, and we all know what that means. Yes, it's time to ask the judges to obliquely slag Tom off some more! This is my favourite part of the show, unless you count the bits that are all of the rest of it.

We go to Arlene first, with Cat answering her own question to Arlene before it's asked "There's a double elimination tonight, why is there so much pressure on these solos?". Either that or she's actually Yoda. Arlene fronts that the solos that they see could definitely change their minds about who goes home. For sure. If they do a truly life-changing solo, and dance like their living livage lives depend on it, then the judges may save them even if they've danced like Trashcan Barbie the last month or so. I am so sure that Tom could DEFINITELY do that. DEFINITELY. Cat tries to make out like solos are what this show is ALL ABOUT. Frankly Cat, unless there's a cock-phone involved, I'm not interested.

Anyway, these PUNGENT LIES over with, let's remind ourselves of what happened earlier in the evening : Rithy and Shane rolled around in a smoke machine Titanic nightmare, like some sort of reverse parody of the Widdyrumba, whilst Shane's mum sat there looking like murder and the judges slated it. Backstage, Shane apparently insists that he felt something in the routine, he did, honest - Rithy looks like all she felt was an urgent desire to go home and watch Doctors. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel did a great routine themed around an evil rampaging Spiderbitch, and by "great routine" I mean "by the standards this show has set itself", by which I mean "some impressive things happened in it". Backstage Bethany-Rose and Israel debate whether the judges comments were the icing on top of the cake or the cherry on top of the cake. I'm always a fan of fudge-nuggets myself. Sisco in particular strikes me as a fudge-nugget.

Charlotte & Matt did half an amazing Lindy Hop and then either they ran out of puff or my interest in Lindy Hop sputtered out again. Backstage they jump around squealing and Charlotte begs for votes whilst tugging at the ugly, UGLY mustard yellow jumper she's wearing. Maybe that's why my interest waned. Katie & Lee-Boy danced an awful routine tediously, and then Arlene slagged off Supermarket Sweep. How dare you Arlene, none of us would be here today if it weren't for the sterling work in light entertainment laid down by Dale Winton. Know your history Arlene - he's a fucking pioneer. Backstage Lee-Boy huffs that the judges don't seem to care if he's there or not, and Katie Love begs the public to get behind "Team LoveLee" for one more week. JUST ONE MORE WEEK! THAT'S ALL SHE ASKS! Then there will be no more Team LoveLee! Unless she's with AndrogyLee that is. "Team LoveMatt" [Isn't that the hairy bit just above your bum that most people get waxed off? - Steve] and "Team LoveLuke" are also possibilities, although "Team LoveIsrael" is off-limits due to BBC Impartiality Guidelines. Scally and Tom would probably have to form "Team LovePalestine" as a bulwark. Also obviously "Team TomLove" isn't allowed, because if that much positivity towards Tom is allowed to happen for even one second, Arlene will straight up explode.

Out on stage now, these four couples are lined up. As soon as Cat says "two couples are safe, and two are in Danger", Rithy and Katie Love look at one another and Rithy nods. SUCH SUSPENSE! Anyway, after the pre-amble, and it is indeed Fierce Rithy, Shane, Katie Love and Lee-Boy who will be dancing for THEIR VERY LIVES in the solos. As Matt leaves the stage he turns to Rithy and Shane and very sternly commands them to "bring it", like the judges are definitely going to pull someone through three bottom 2s in a row. I don't think even Lisa Snowdon would have got tha...what am I saying, she totally would have.

Louise is asked if she is surprised by this turn of events (I really wish that someone had to pull that ridiculous door-pull plait she's got this week every time she has to speak, just so the thing had some utility.) and she says no, because neither couple danced their best this week. Who did? Bethany-Rose and Israel I guess. S'pretty much it. Cat reiterates Matt's command to "BRING IT!" by wagging her finger violently in Katie Love's face. Katie Love could not give two teabags for this at this point in time.

Now it's time for another set of reminders for the hard of thinking : Luke & Danielle danced lyrical hiphop and both overacted quite unpleasantly, but the judges loved it and told Luke that he was now IN IT TO WIN IT. Backstage Luke and Danielle huff sniffily that they are in fact BOTH in it to win it, as much as anyone who isn't MATTFLINTMANIA! is in this to actually WIN it. Katrina and Tom did a pretty wretched hip-hop and neither was much better than the other, so obviously Tom got yet another curb-stomping. Backstage Louise is all "mummy only does this because she loves you" about it, whilst Tom and Katrina just hug and Tom ponders which of the girls he will be told is much better than him next week.

Finally, the running joke it is this show's repeated forcing of "butchness" onto AndrogyLee reached its apotheosis in the Argnetine Tango, where he didn't really do anything except as a support system for Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty, who reached her burlesque peak in the routine. Hopefully next week AndrogyLee will be allowed to act as Born This Way as he wants to quite frankly. Backstage Kirsty and AndrogyLee make Tribble noises at one another, and Sisco says that are just so consistently fun. *sniff* I'll miss them as a couple. I doubt any other random pairing of their soul with another could be as exciting. AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose anyone?

Out to the stage, and all three couples judges are run through. ie Danielle and Luke you are really fun and dramatic, Kirsty and AndrogyLee you are really fun and cartoony-entertaining, Katrina you are Jesus, DIE TOM DIE! So in the bottom three are...Danielle & Luke. There is a solitary "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" from the audience, and Danielle & Luke look genuinely gutted. Kirsty turns and gives Danielle a very sincere look and squeezes Luke's hand. AndrogyLee kind of disinterestedly prods at Luke and looks bored. AndrogyLee <3

Sisco is asked why this happened, Sisco's all "for purposes of gender equality I am required to start throwing women under the bus instead of just every single man who is not MattFlintMania! so erm...Danielle sucks. All of a sudden. Or something". Cat asks them both if they have something special planned for their solos. Luke mumbles "well I hope so", like he's really going home against Permanent Bottom Shane and Lee-Boy.

As everyone gets changed for their solos (ie the boys take their tops off) Nigel is asked what the dancers need to do to survive. Nigel's all "duh, dance for their lives, we say this pretty much every 10 seconds every results show". He then decided to lie his butt off and say that he thinks the public voted correctly tonight, and that everyone who got through danced amazingly tonight. I love that he thinks he's being subtle in trying to pre-empt the Tapper Tom backlash. WAY too late for that Nigel. WAY too late.

SOLOS TIME! Rithy is first out, and suddenly she's turned up, throwing herself into a routine to "Telephone" by Gaga & Beyonce, and for some reason deciding to leave it all out on stage just when it matters the least. I guess she wanted to go out on a high, and good for her. This is in contrast to Shane, who kind of...gives up but not quite. He does his usual Shane thing to "Are You The One?" by The Presets and it's... less powerful and Shaney than last time he did it, which was in itself less powerful and Shane-y than the first time he did it.

Katie next, to...*snorts glue*... Adele [JESUS FUCKING CHRIST - Steve], and she does her usual very light and insubstantial solo work. Or at least it feels a lot like her audition piece, which I didn't like much either. I don't think I'm really one for Katie Love in the solo department to be honest. Lee-Boy follows, and just like Rithy it looks like he's decided to go out on a high, with lots of tricks and energy and the obligatory crotch-grabbing. It's not blow-away stuff, but he seems really into it, as opposed to every time he's had to play Tapper Tom for Katie Love, so it's fun. He also removes his shirt in mid-air which is a new one for me. You know, in terms of dancing anyway.

Danielle and Luke round us off, with Danielle deciding to reprise her Sex Ninja act from the paso doble of last week, to the good part of the Mickey Bubbles version of Cry Me A River (ie the opening bit) and Luke doing his usual very posied, very anguished, very Vogue video without the actual vogueing, leaping around to "Written In The Stars" by Tinie Tempah. I dub him Lankie Tempah. As soon as these are over, they wander back over to the side and the other soloists and Katie Love... strokes Angry Luke from above his nipple right down to his crotch. It's quite a stroke. I think you might be barking up the wrong tree-sized human being there Katie Love. Lee-Boy settles for just grabbing his arm.

Cat tells them all how the show works, as we cut to ex-contestants in the audience. Gian Luca is screaming because he is a PASSIONATE ITALIAN like that, Paige looks a bit bovine, Charlie looks mildly amused, and Alice is waving her phone number at Rithy probably. I can't see Stephanie. Maybe she's got a job. Oh yeah, and Cheekbones Ryan! Remember him? Sigh. Judges are now to deliberate, and Sisco's already getting animated about it. Until they've made up their minds however, we have to sit through the UK's "most exciting new talent".

That being Jessie-J. Apparently. [JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SOME MORE - Steve] She looks like Flavor Flav vomitted all over top half, and her legs look like the exterior of an Elizabethan Theatre and she's making a lot of very special noises. Apparently this song is about how she is in fact not perfect, as though...everything else she's done hadn't already clued us in to that fact. I would KILL for this to be her doing "DO IT LIKE A DIRTY DIRTY SUGAR BARROWMAN DEM CROTCH LOW SUGAR SUGAR MAN DEM!" with Sisco and BARROWMAN! and Big Gay Bruce doing back-up, but it isn't so I'm going to pass.

Back in the now, Cat pretends that that didn't all happen 8 hours ago on a pre-record, and the legion of doomed march out. Girls are to start, and Rithy is praised for the energy she brought to her routine but...She's then asked how many times in a row this is that she's been in the bottom, which is super-classy, and then she says "three" and Nigel makes her repeat herself and this is gross and awful and tacky and Nigel says this means he's going to put her out of her misery, and he does. But by extension obviously leaves Shane swimming around in it for the next 5 minutes. Kirsty's already crying.

This leaves Danielle and Katie Love. Danielle is called an ice-cold bitch with flawless technique, and Katie Love is basically told not to worry, they'll be cutting that awful Lee-Boy in about 2 minutes and she won't have to be held back by him ANY MORE. She's safe, and Danielle's going home. She twitches her head about angrily and violently and gamely tries to look like she's resigned to this turn of events. Angry Luke meanwhile has a burst of VERY REAL FEELINGS all over the stage. I don't know when these two stopped hating one another. Maybe it was when his family totally ignored her that he felt a sudden kinship because he KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS (*slams bedroom door*)

Katie wanders off, looking drained, and Rithy is asked to say that she loved the experience. She says that she did, or at least the part of it before it became utterly pointless. It was beautiful Cat, truly beautiful. Cat turns towards Danielle, resting her hand louchely on Rithy's shoulder, like a 1920s Dorothy L Sayers lesbian, and asks her what she'll miss most. She says that she'll miss Angry Luke the most, and she's just said (*sniffle choke*) that they never got to do what they did best. In his case, the genre of walkography, in her case...who knows. Cat assures her that she did great, as she continues to twitch around like a cold chihuahua.

They're sent off, and it's the turn of the boys now. Nigel highlights again that is is the most obvious decision in the history of all decisions, by telling them all that this decision was unanimous, as was the last one. Shane gets the obligatory "No Country For Old Men" cattle-taser and goes down first. Lee is told that that was a very interesting solo, but that he has impeded Katie Love for too long now, and then Luke is told that his solo was the only good one, much like Shane was all those weeks ago. And look what lasting benefit it had for HIM. Shane nods along with this all "yeah, I know I certainly didn't give a shit". Anyway, yes, Luke is safe, and Lee-Boy takes a very deep bow towards the audience on his way out.

*cut to Katie Love looking furious*

Luke wanders off and immediately does a full body collapse onto Katie Love, moaning like a sperm whale. "BWURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR". Thankfully someone turns his mic off at this point, so that other people's VERY REAL FEELINGS can be heard. Shane daddies up, saying that he's been here so many times before that he knows how Luke is feeling (NOBODY KNOWS HOW LUKE IS FEELING *bedroom door slam*) and he thinks he did a really good solo. Lee-Boy then decides to take this last opportunity to paw Shane thoroughly (and let's face it, who wouldn't?) and says that he's loved the whole experience, particularly working with such great choreographers as Giant Lady, Kate Prince, and the Cheesman.

Rithy and Danielle come back out to join them, and Cat demands that everyone give them a Standing O. Meanwhile, at the side, Bethany-Rose sees that managing Angry Luke's Feelings at this point are too much for one woman alone, so she joins in. Lord help whoever has to dance with him this week. I think it might kill Scally. [*thumbs up* - Steve] Anyway, at Cat's signal, everyone runs to the stage for a group-hug, and that is all! This means, halfway through, our Top Ten is :

The Girls

Bethany-Rose Lee

Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty

Katie Love

Katrina Ballerina

Scally

Your Boys :

AndrogyLee

Angry Luke

Israel

MattFlintMania!

Tapper Tom

They'll be dancing, in pairings yet to be determined, next week. See you all then!

Along came a spider

2011-05-15T12:34:00.007+01:00

Top 14: 14th May 2011

Last week: the idea of a "tween vote" on this show was destroyed beyond all chance of recovery when adorable Charlie Whee! and Cabbage Alice were sent home after landing in the bottom two with Rithy and Shane, who are spending so much time there these days that they're both considering registering it as an official second home. You know, for the financial benefits. (BITING POLITICAL SATIRE THAT IS IN NO WAY OUTDATED!) Equally, whatever fond memories the contestants may have had of the week one non-elimination special were destroyed by the announcement that we're going to have to have a double elimination to make up for it. Angry Luke in particular had So Many Feelings about this, but it's getting to the point where I feel like there is no situation in life that is not the case for. I imagine he has So Many Feelings about, like, cornflakes. [WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GET SO SOGGY? WHY? THEY'RE SO NICE BUT THEY NEED MILK AND THEN THE MILK DESTROYS THEM! WHYYYYYYY?! - Angry Luke]

Tonight: everyone's panicking, Scally kicks MATTFLINTMANIA! in the tits, Lee-Boy and Katie Love's attempt at a Dancing On Ice-style float spin from a chair ends in disaster (and happens right in front of Emma Bunton, so they're bound to be docked points for that), people get mobbed by hometown supporters, Danielle cries, Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty gets a second job as a lightning conductor, and lots of other stuff.

Titles. SARAHSILVERMANDANCE!

There's no opening routine this week, so instead we get the standard dancer introduction thing that usually goes in the results show: Scally & Matt, making the most of their last week as an untouchable power couple before they get uncoupled and we see how popular she is without him [probably depressingly popular - Chris]; Danielle & Luke kicking out at the audience to avoid venting those emotions on each other, Bethany Rose Lee and Israel vamping like their lives depend on it; Rithy & Shane for one more night only; Katie & Lee-Boy still managing surprisingly well in the face of entirely conflicting approaches to everything in life; Katrina & Tom, where Cat says Tom's name in the manner that you'd expect the judges to say it, with a manner of "oh, that one is still here"; FDOFP Kirsty and AndrogyLee, fierce as always. Girls, boys, it's our Top 14.

Cat enters with a full-on "'Allow!", because for some reason tonight she's the Brummiest she's been in years. Midlands represent! She reminds us that the pressure is on because while everyone's only had one week to learn the dances as per usual, they're also contending with a double elimination and the fact that it's the Eurovision Song Contest tonight so the show's on far earlier than usual and is probably going to have a total audience of about six people. And that's factoring in me watching it twice because I'm recapping it. Time to introduce the judges: tonight Sisco has come as Nina Flowers, for reasons known only to him and and his stylists [WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT FOR COMPARING NINA FLOWERS TO THIS ABOMINATION - Chris], Louise has only remembered to wash half of her face again [and sporting a plait which she has apparently used to clean out a drain - Chris], Arlene is wearing a lot of stripes, and Nigel actively rolls his eyes at his own intro. Oh, Nigel. Cat asks Nigel why we're having a double elimination, and he makes it very clear that it was always planned this way to give everyone a kick up the arse, because you just know that a good half of the audience thinks this has been hastily thrown in to speed up the run because no one's watching. Nigel adds that some dancers have been letting their partners down, so it's all going to get mixed up after tonight. Cat clarifies that it will be down to individuals tonight, and then Nigel worries that no one is going to understand the system, so he reminds us that people will still be performing in couples, but we'll be voting for individuals. Cat knows this, Nigel, she's been on this franchise almost as long as you have.

With the operations of the competition from next week onwards now firmly established, Cat turns to Sisco and asks what the dancers can do to proceed in the competition. Sisco says that they need to treat it like their last dance, and the judges want to see that desperation from them. Sure, because nothing goes down better with voters than utter desperation. I for one am hoping that Rithy and Shane stop in the middle of their routine and shrug "you know what? Sod it." Oh, and he also babbles on about *WORD REDACTED NOW TRANSFORMED FROM A VERB INTO A NOUN*, at which point Cat points out that this is a total nonsense and gets him to explain what on earth he's on about every time he utters that wretched phrase, which is apparently operating at a level of 150% or more. Good, glad we've established that scientifically. Cat asks the audience if it makes sense to them, and they reply in the affirmative. They're totally lying.

Cat explains how this week's eliminations work - basically all three couples with the fewest votes will be sent into the Danger Zone, and the judges will decide which four contestants of the six to send home. So no automatic elimination, although I think everyone knows Rithy & Shane's elimination is kind of inevitable at this point, sadly.

Up first tonight are Charlotte & Matt, who've been on either first or second every week apart from last week - something which I would normally think a tad suspicious, but to be honest I think it's because they're the only couple with a sufficiently resilient fanbase for this not to matter in terms of their safety, so the running order keeps bumping them to the front to give everyone else a chance. [Katie Love and Lee-Boy have seriously had the worst draw out of everyone. Always second to fourth - Chris] Last week they got great feedback for their Broadway routine, and this week they've drawn Lindy Hop. Matt cheers and Charlotte looks doubtful, but he assures her that this is "a good one". It's never established for definite, but considering Charlotte didn't even know what a foxtrot was three weeks ago, I'm guessing this is an entirely unfamiliar concept to her as well. In rehearsals, she admits that she's never done Lindy Hop before, and fears for her chances of another standing ovation. Choreographer Ryan Francois tells us that we want to look out for a snatch, presumably in case Charlotte forgets her underwear. Oh, my mistake - apparently it involves snatching your partner out of the air and catching her on your shoulder. Matt and Charlotte rehearse this move, and the positioning of the camera right behind Charlotte does seem to give us a chance of seeing the other kind of snatch after all. [STOP TALKING ABOUT SCALLY'S SNATCH FFS!- Chris] Montage of the lifts going horribly wrong and Matt getting battered from all directions. Ryan suggests that they do some judo training to help them out, and as they go off to give that a go, Matt draws the parallel between judo and Lindy Hop, explaining that they both require moving large objects with minimal effort. Pages are ripped off a calendar, three general elections are held, Kate Bush releases two more albums, and finally at some point after that Charlotte gets that he's calling her a heifer, and reacts with the appropriate level of offence. Christ on a bike - I know Charlotte's not in this competition for her mental acuity, but if she can't spot a fat joke when it's delivered that bluntly, I really do worry about her. Judo montage: Matt gets battered again, and possibly regrets making that fat joke, as well as the six subsequent unscreened jokes about how long it took Charlotte to get it. Charlotte says that they just don't want to be KNOCKED OUT OF THE COMPETITION, GET IT? Yes, Charlotte, we get it. We are not all you.

They're doing a subway-train themed routine that starts with them holding on to imaginary ceiling-mounted grips, and this particular piece of choreography reveals that MATTFLINTMANIA! has quite sweaty underarms. They're dancing to 'Shout And Feel It' by Count Basie, so Wikipedia tells me anyway, and I think my dislike of this particular pair has been well-documented up to now, but I'm going to put that aside and admit that I thought they were rather good this week. This style of dance is about bounce and energy which they deliver in spades, for the first half of the routine at least (they do struggle to maintain the momentum a bit towards the end), but they're nicely in time with each other and with the accents of the music, and they even manage not to mug at the camera any more than the routine requires. Let me put it this way: on the basis of this routine, I didn't want them to go home tonight, so that should give you a pretty good idea of how impressed I was by it. I WANTED CHARLOTTE SCALLY TO STAY IN THE COMPETITION. It ends with Matt flipping Charlotte over his head and her grabbing onto his waist while upside down. As end positions go, that's a fairly impressive one.

Cat laughs at their not-entirely-graceful attempt at a dismount, and Nigel says that he's exhausted just watching them. He says that the dance needed the energy that they gave it, and they've set the bar for the evening, so everyone else's performance tonight will be measured against this one. Backstage, Tom's all "hmm, being compared to Matt Flint, that'll be a new experience for me." [Rulers out lads - Chris] Arlene agrees - she loved the throws and the air-steps, and she thinks they're dancing their way into everyone's hearts. Louise thinks they're definites for the Top 10 and they just come alive on stage, making a hard dance look easy. Sisco does the "I'm so disappointed...THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME NOTHING TO CRITICISE!" fake-out. He thinks they ace every genre and are always extremely entertaining, and that's why they're the frontrunners. Nigel adds that no one's guaranteed a place in the Top 10, so we mustn't assume they're safe. Charlotte literally begs for votes. For once, I don't mind. Seriously: good routine.

Up next are Danielle & Luke, who will apparently be revealing what they really think of each other. I hope it involves them basically reciting the lyrics to Daphne & Celeste's 'Ooh Stick You!' Last week they survived the Latin Curse for the second time in the competition with a well-received Paso Doble. This week they've drawn Lyrical Hip Hop, at which point Danielle has a bit of a meltdown, because this week's a double elimination and she was counting on picking a dance that was in her genre. She snits to Luke that "everyone's had their style so far!" Oh yeah, remember that jazz routine FDOFP Kirsty did? Or that week Katrina drew ballet? No, because IT NEVER HAPPENED. Shut up, Danielle. Kenrick is choreographing for them, and explains that the routine is about a couple who've gone out for a meal, had an argument, and are now coming home to continue it. Luke admits that he's worried about having to "lock and pop and be all funky-funky" (BLESS), but has realised that this routine is more about "dancing and feeling", which is what they can do. This is true: a routine about having So Many Feelings is definitely in Luke's wheelhouse. Kenrick tells them to think about the dance and not the technique, which will totally backfire on them when it comes to judging, I bet. Danielle opines that they need more anger in this (yay! Moar anger for Angry Luke!) because it feels so real and raw, so Kenrick suggests they reveal what annoys them about each other. Oh, Kenrick: what hast thou wrought? Their list of grievances includes "nice bleached hair, Luke!" and "your pigtails are rubbish!" in response. [YOUR FACE SMELLS! is srsly the best insult ever - Chris] This is like the gayest fight ever. Although I am quite intrigued by Luke's accusation that Danielle never brushes her teeth, because: ew. Also, it ends with Danielle going "I'm angry!" and Luke growingly "I'M ANGRY!", which is a total shoutout to this blog.

Their routine is to 'Impossible' by Shontelle, and is one of those pieces of choreography that starts out looking a bit like sign language. Their limbs are a little bit loose and flimsy for hip hop - even lyrical hip hop - for my liking, but the emotional intensity is definitely there. I'd say Luke is fractionally better than Danielle in this routine, though they're both doing a pretty good job of it. Then again, Luke has the natural advantage of All Those Feelings.

Cat frets about the dirty trainers treading all over those nice white sofas, but to be honest, anyone who thinks a white sofa is a practical suggestion in any situation deserves whatever stains are coming to them. Sisco loved the commitment of the characters, and felt that this was what the show needed - it was dramatic and sincere. He had a problem with their posture, in that it was too good - they needed to slouch more. Louise thought they did the lyrical part well, and they showed the expression and got into character, though the hip hop stuff needs more work. She thinks they need to listen to the choreographers - which would be sound advice, except this choreographer told them to ignore technique and focus on the emotion, which is what they did. So maybe Louise needs to listen to the choreographers. Arlene talks about solar plexuses and letting the music tell you where to go, and then randomly comes out as a no-longer-closeted Luke stan, declaring that to be the best dancing she's seen from him. Nigel agrees with Arlene, he felt Luke's emotions, though Danielle's not quite so much. He thinks it's hard to get the emotions over with all that armography, so it needed to flow a bit more for him. Cat asks how it compared to the first one, and Nigel declares it not quite as good, though Arlene and Sisco think Luke was up there with Team Scallyflint.

On third are Israel and Bethany Rose. Bethany was very pleased with last week's performance, though not nearly as pleased as Israel's mum was. Backstage, Israel's like "yeah, my mum loves me." They draw the ever-undefinable Commercial genre out of Cat's box, and Cat teases that she wishes Israel's mum was here to read out the result. They're pleased with Commercial as their draw. Choreographer Sean Cheesman explains that this dance is about a woman who's like a black widow spider. There is some confusion here - quite how far this particular clip is into the rehearsal process is unclear, but someone explains to Bethany that a black widow is a spider, and in a late bid to wrest the Dumbest Person In The Competition award from Charlotte's hand, she's like "oh, is it a spider? I thought my husband was dead!" Israel finds this hilarious, as well he might. Now that the penny has dropped, Bethany finds the performance easier to comprehend, and they get to work. Bethany hurts her shoulder during a flip but soldiers valiantly on as Sean explains that a good Commercial performance should be like watching a music video. Bethany thinks this is the hardest piece of choreography they've had so far, and Sean tells them that in this routine, it will be very obvious if they're out of sync, and that the judges ("especially Arlene", heh) will not fail to point this out. Bethany says that they're giving it their all to remain in the competition, and Israel adds "straight dizzle, I'm not leaving", at which Bethany cracks up.

They've got 'Hide U' by Kosheen as their music, which is a song I've not heard in about a decade, so that's a nice blast from the past. They start the routine skulking around the side of the set, and Israel demonstrates how flimsy he is when he rests a little bit too much weight on it. Bethany Rose is brilliant in this routine - she's the very essence of spideriness, all limbs and bending. Israel's not bad either - you can really see in this one how much he's improved, how much more fluid he's become. There's a genuinely breathtaking move where Bethany holds Israel's hands, and then basically inverts herself into a headstand where she places her legs around his neck before pulling a full 360° and ending up back on her feet again. I would dislocate so many things if I even attempted that. There's some complex armography that they do perfectly in time with each other, and Bethany totally makes the routine for me at this point by just kind of opening her mouth and leering, which is a perfect little character note. Then there's more synchronisation and another brilliant move where Israel grabs Bethany from behind, drops down to the floor and kicks her up over him and she basically somersaults out of it. My description sucks, let's be honest, so you'll just have to take my word for it that it looks BRILLIANT. It ends with Bethany basically devouring Israel and pushing him to the floor. Awesome, awesome routine, and a good job from both of them - it's a showcase piece for Bethany, obviously, but if Israel hadn't been delivering as well the whole thing would've fallen apart.

Full standing ovation from the judges, and richly deserved. Israel's mum is going nuts in the audience. Arlene thinks Israel found his technique and expression, and now we have Israel. Louise says that she was shocked a few weeks ago that he stayed in, but tonight she was glad he was still here, and adds that they chose the right week to raise their game. Sisco calls it "commercial perfection" and says he would book both of them as a choreographer. He adds that Israel obviously listened to Arlene's words earlier about using your spine and your chest. Nigel says that he has changed his mind about spiders now, and he thinks it's the best Bethany Rose and Israel have ever been, and it was definitely on a par with Matt & Charlotte. Cat asks them how they felt about it and they don't really have a lot to say beyond "we loved it and we worked hard", but in fairness to them the dancing spoke for itself.

Next up: poor, lovely, totally doomed [DOOMED! - Chris] Rithy & Shane. Their comments about last week are obviously a little reserved, since they feel that they're doing their best, but they're obviously not pulling in the votes. They don't want to be in the Danger Zone again, and are thrilled when they draw Contemporary out of Cat's box. Shane is convinced this will be their best week ever. Their choreographer for the week is Tasty Oreo (/Tyce Diorio), who blathers on that this piece does not need to be danced like a dancer, but "felt like a human being". Shane giggles that they've been through a lot and therefore have a lot of emotion bottled up inside, though obviously not as much as Angry Luke. Shane's mum Alison comes to rehearsals to offer some "motherly love". She turns up with cake, and tells them that she's going to start them a fan club. Unfortunately, this seems to consist of riding around in a rickshaw cab with a tiny "vote Shane and Rithy" card stuck on the back, so I'm not entirely sure it's going to make that much difference. Some people at Piccadilly Circus cheer for them, but these people are probably all tourists, so for all we know they'll have left the country before that even becomes a possibility. They go past Downing Street and Rithy implores "dear Mr Prime Minister" to vote for them, but somehow I doubt a Conservative government is going to be that keen on encouraging immigrants to remain in the country.

Oh dear: their routine is to an instrumental [on the pan-pipes FFS - Chris] of the theme from Titanic, and someone has made the daft decision to cover the stage in dry ice even though there's quite a bit of floor work in the routine, so big chunks of it are basically invisible to us. They're doing their best with the material - there are some nice positions, and I think the emotions are there, but this routine is a bit of a lemon, and clearly these two can't do anything to save it. I feel bad for them that after a few weeks of well-performed but indifferently-received routines, they're going to go out on this suckfest.

Nigel says it was nicely danced, but he didn't feel the passion in it, and there was a lot of running in it - he counsels Rithy to jump earlier if she's going to do so, so that we can actually see her do it. He says that Shane's straight back is too solid and makes him look stiff. He wasn't sure about this one. Arlene agrees - she didn't feel the danger, or the connection or the passion. Sisco tries to interject here and disagree, but Arlene cuts him off and says that she felt that they were "drowning, not sinking" and that she wanted them to yearn for each other and grab each other. She feels they didn't use their extremities. Sisco thinks it was a stripped performance and "cleverlyly" showed what they can do, particularly Rithy, who's not at home in this genre. He outright begs the public to vote for them, because he thinks they show us a different dimension each week. [The only thing I won't miss about Shane & Rithy is having to align myself with the increasingly desperate stanning of Sisco - Chris] Cat asks if they're feeling the pressure this week, and they agree. Louise finishes for the judges, and says that they're performing as individuals and doing everything right, but it's not coming together - they're just doing the steps. Then she comes over all schoolmarm: "You're shaking your head at me, Shane, but I'm telling you that's what I'm feeling up here." She adds that Rithy's feet "go in a little bit rather than out", which is not exactly technical, but I guess it's helpful feedback all the same. I think Rithy & Shane know they're toast at this point, the poor things. We get one final shot of Shane's mum, who is amazing but in a more low-key way than Israel's mum [Su Pollard is amazing but in a more low-key way than Israel's mum - Chris], and then we're out.

Next: Lee-Boy is going to be taking Katie up the aisle. [F'NAR F'NAR! - Chris] Katie reminds us that the feedback was positive for her last week, but less so for Lee. Lee says that they're trying to get him up to her level in a short amount of time, and he's going to keep pushing and trying. They draw Broadway this week, which Katie's fairly happy with. They go to Lee's home town of Cwmbran to see the support that exists for them at his local Sainsbury's (this will make more sense in a minute) and Katie declares that "Katie Love is speechless", having not realised that talking about yourself in the third person is never, ever a good thing. Lee's impressed at the turnout, which includes a lot of b-boys that he trained with, as well as some adorable breakdancing little moppets. Katie sits on a checkout and asks for a price check on a b-boy: "I think they're reduced." Snerk. Karen Bruce aka Giant Lady is the choreographer, and explains that the routine is about having fun in a supermarket. She thinks it's tough for Lee because Katie's more comfortable in this genre. She offers them some feedback: "That wasn't sexy, that was like a lump of lard." GIANT LADY ♥. She continues to deliver the Real Truth Flavor (™ Ron from The Amazing Race) by saying "Lee's been complaining about the lifts a lot. Yes, it hurts, but he either wants to win or not." This would be amazing in itself, but it's even better because it's accompanied by a shot of Lee dropping Katie Love on her face. Seriously, he is not being made to look good here AT ALL. Katie gives a slightly embittered confessional about how when Lee struggles it affects her too, and it sounds meaner than I think she's actually being here, because she does go on to say that they'll pull together and work hard. [I can't believe she got shit for basically saying "when Lee drops me on my face, it kind of affects my performance level" - Chris]

Unfortunately, they go on to deliver what's feels like a fairly "will this do?" [No- Chris] performance to the Glee version of 'The Lady Is A Tramp'. Katie's phoning it in, and Lee's struggling, and as much as I love Giant Lady, the routine itself is a bit nothing-y. They each get a solo spot that neither one of them really sells, and it ends with Lee spinning Katie around on a chair with her not looking entirely confident that it's going to stay upright. I think these two are in trouble tonight.

Arlene is unimpressed, and says she would've rather watched Supermarket Sweep. She thinks Katie's Love has gone, as that's the worst she's seen her dance. She actually asks Katie if she's lost her spirit, and Katie's all "this has been the hardest week so far" and cites mental fatigue. Arlene agrees that the attack has gone and the spirit has been lost, saying that Katie has worked hard to support Lee, but now they're too far apart to be brought back together. Lee says that it felt pretty good on stage and that they were together well. Nigel didn't get the supermarket idea of the dance and found it a bit meaningless, and thinks that Lee is holding Katie back now. Bizarrely, someone in the audience whoops and claps at this - I can only assume they're either a mean-spirited Katie Love stan, or a Lee supporter who didn't hear Nigel properly. Sisco loves both of them, but thinks that despite Lee's hard work, he's ready to see them separate because he wants to see Katie reaching her potential. Louise says that this level of tiredness is a dancer's life, and she wonders if Lee is holding Katie back, but Katie needs to put enough energy in for both of them and she can't let things break down.

Up next are Katrina Ballerina & Tapper Tom. Their Quickstep went well last week, and as usual Katrina got a tongue bath while Tom was taken out the back and shot, but he's totally over the judges at this point anyway, so it's all fine. This week they've drawn hip hop, again, which they both do their best to be excited about. INJURY PORN TIME: Tom went to A&E this week about a sore foot blister, and got the go-ahead to dance, but it turned out to still be a problem for him. Cue unnecessary close-up of nasty, weeping foot blister, as Tom says that he's in a lot of pain. Katrina says that he's struggling to put weight on it, much less dance, so it is a bit of an issue. His doctor tells him to spend time in bed resting (and reading USA Today, oddly), so choreographer Supple explains that Katrina's having to learn the routine without him. On Wednesday Tom finally gets the all-clear (again) to dance, and turns up for rehearsals on Thursday. He says that he doesn't want to sit out this week, and hopes his foot won't let him down.

They're performing to 'Yeah 3x' by Chris Brown, and...yeah. The lack of rehearsal in this routine really shows. Neither one of them is on, despite their best efforts. I do admire Supple for placing Tom directly in front of Katrina for a good 15-20 seconds as if trying to deliberately bait the judges into actually paying attention to him. There's not a lot else I can say about it, though - it's a hot mess on both parts. They're not in time, neither one of them is doing the moves especially well, and I just need it to be over because I like these two and it's painful to watch them like this.

Sisco has good and bad news: he thinks the choreography they were given was tough, and it was brave of the choreographer to give that to them. He tells Tom that they give him a hard time because they want him to do well, and also because he's with Katrina who is JUST SO AMAZING (I like Katrina well enough, but I really do not know why the judges think she's so faultless, because she reads to me as a ballerina giving another type of dance a damn good go rather than this master-of-all-styles they keep painting her as). Sure enough, Sisco tells Katrina that her energy and intention made her look like a hip hop dancer in that number and she "made Primark look like Armani". Louise thinks they've had a tough ride because they've had hip hop twice, but that's how the show works. She says that Tom needs to step up to Katrina if he doesn't want them to keep harping on about it. "HE DID!" screams someone from the audience. "ONE WEEK FOR THAT ROUTINE! ONE WEEK!" Hee. Tom says that he's sorry they feel like that, because he tries his hardest. Louise says that she's not saying he doesn't try, but they're just frustrated that he doesn't advance as much as everyone. Arlene calls Katrina "Superwoman, smash, splat, pow" (that's Batman, Arlene) and says that she was at the Royal Ballet last night, and no one there could do what Katrina did tonight. [Nor would they want to - Chris] Tom, on the other hand, "Tom who? I just watched Katrina." OUCH. Nigel agrees - Katrina's a star and a dark horse, but it's not happening for Tom. Also, he wants no more armography next week because it's getting on his nerves now.

Final performance time: Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty & AndrogyLee. Kirsty says that she wasn't well last week and was feeling low and heavy (no jokes please, Nigel) and wobbly on her feet. This week they've drawn the Argentine Tango, and to get some moral support, they head back to FDOFP Kirsty's Dance School. She walks through the door and is instantly mobbed by a mass of screaming children; Kirsty and Lee joke that they could use the kids to be chanting outside their dressing room to spur them on. Lee explains that this dance is all about the chemistry, and that they can't look at the audience, they must just look at each other. Choreographer Leonardo Barrionuevo (I believe that's Argentinian for BARROWMAN) says that Lee needs to be masculine and strong and solid for this routine, and Lee says that it's completely not him. He confirms that he is masculine and A Man, and he keeps getting people needing him to establish this every week. Kirsty jokes that this is because she's more butch than he is.

They're dancing to 'Libertango' and the routine's a good one. As always, these two sell the hell out of it, and there's lots of intensity and smouldering going on. There are some lovely kicks and crosswork and extensions, though there are some parts where I think things don't quite come off as intended - a bit where Kirsty hangs from Lee's neck and kicks her legs out, for example, which is a bit sluggish, and another lift, which looks like it doesn't fully work. The camerawork on this routine [/entire show - Chris] is shockingly bad, by the way, which in some ways works in their favour - you can't always tell if they got something right or not because you couldn't bloody see properly. However, in terms of character and effort, they're doing a grand job, and it's arguably one of the better routines of the night. Also, credit to both of them for the lifts, because Lee lifts Kirsty like she's nothing at all, which speaks highly of both of them for having strong technique.

Louise loved it because they did so much in one week - she thinks Kirsty danced with passion and intensity, and Lee didn't take his eyes off her, which is what this dance requires. Arlene declares it "epic, edge of the seat action" and likens Lee to Antonio Banderas. She loved the interlacing of the legs and the embrace, and the caressing. She just wishes they could've caressed the floor a little more, but commends them for having so many genres that were out of their comfort zone and always rising to the challenge. Nigel loved it too - the music, the choreography, and the dancers. He thinks they were acting, and cites this as an example of what he's talking about when he says he needs to feel the emotion. Sisco is impressed that Lee was so masculine and forceful, and that Kirsty was a great complement to him. Woo! Team Raggy Dolls FTW!

With everyone having danced, Cat goes back to the judges for final, Jerry Springer-style, thoughts. Nigel doesn't want to name anyone specific because he thinks that focuses people's attention and galvanises the votes [certainly I have no idea who Nigel wants rid of, none at all. Because he didn't mention any names now, the entire last month of live shows is STRICKEN FROM MEMORY - Chris], so he simply wants us to vote for the people we thought were the best tonight. Arlene thinks the public have a tough job tonight. Louise thinks some people have been overlooked before now, like Bethany Rose and Israel, who blew the judges away tonight. Sisco is asked who was the strongest, and he thinks that Israel and Bethany nailed it. He loved Scally and Matt, and wants to defend Rithy and Shane too for their consistency.

The phone lines are opened, and it's time for us to vote. Quick reminder, anyone? Scally & MATTFLINTMANIA being surprisingly enjoyable for once; Danielle & Luke both having SO, SO MANY FEELINGS; Bethany & Israel baiting the arachnophobes in the audience with their awesomeness; Rithy & Shane being so doomed that they got a Titanic-themed routine; Katie & Lee C ending up in the "reduced to clear" aisle; Katrina & Tom both being the worst they've ever been; Kirsty & Lee B delivering one heck of an Argentine Tango.

Four dancers are going home, but who will they be? Just as a point of interest, my unspoiled pick for the bottom three at this point was Rithy & Shane, Katie & Lee C, and Danielle & Luke. Now go and read Chris's recap and see if I was right. [Show off - Chris]

Alice? Who the bleep is Alice?

2011-05-08T16:45:00.004+01:00

Top 16 Results: 7th May 2011

We're straight into the cold open, and Cat's looking quite jolly considering two more contestants are about to have their dreams UTTERLY CRUSHED or something. She reminds us that there are 15 incredible performers and Charlotte Scally all hoping to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer, or at least The Dancer That The Relatively Small Percentage Of Britons Who Watch This Show Could Be Bothered To Pick Up The Phone And Vote For. [I am willing to bet that this entire competition is being decided by Israel's Mum - Chris] I can see why they say it the way they do, it's definitely catchier. The phone lines are now closed, and there's about to be an equal opportunities booting.

SARAHSUGARCANDANCE!

Our Top 16 rush the stage in case we've forgotten who they are already: Danielle and Luke wear the huge grins of people who are slowly growing to tolerate each other but are still massively overcompensating all the same; Bethany-Rose Lee attempts to completely obscure Israel with the use of her leg; Alice is wearing a red bra under a black mesh top and daring you to challenge her about it while Charlie uses her as a prop for a flip; Katie Love attempts to look supa dupa fly and Lee-Boy enables it; Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom remain adorable; Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty and AndrogyLee do some unfortunately out-of-sync high kicks; Rithy and Shane are still doomed forever; Scally and MATTFLINTMANIA can't even manage to hit their marks at the same time, though on this occasion the problem seems to be Shane not getting out of the way in time. All the same, I'm going to blame Charlotte anyway, because it's more fun. I note that when they all hit their end pose and the SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE plays, Tapper Tom and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty (who are paired together for this bit) are both pulsing their arms in time with the echo. God bless Kirsty, she's always on, isn't she?

Cat enters and informs the contestants that it was a great show tonight (and indeed it probably was one of the better ones, but there's still something slightly disingenuous about the way she says it). She goes on to bring up the elections again, though to be perfectly honest I think there might actually have been a higher turnout to vote on this show than there was for the AV referendum. Apparently The Wanted will be here later performing "a medley of their hits" (I guess Wagner really made medleys popular), which will no doubt cause their fans to find brand new and freshly obnoxious ways to shoehorn them into Twitter's trending topics. Joy. [Judging from Charlie's elimination, I doubt anyone under 25 is watching, so we should be safe - Chris]

After a brief reminder of how this all works, Cat turns to the judges to find out what the dickens they made of tonight's show. Nigel says that everyone's probably shattered because they've been shuttled off around the country visiting their families and learning two routines (whose fault is that then, eh Nigel?) And that's pretty much it. Your judges, ladies and gentlemen!

Time for some highlights from the first group, starting with Katie and Lee C: Louise thought Katie was slick and professional but Lee was, in a very literal sense, not carrying his own weight in the partnership. As Katie glares at him backstage and briefly considers changing their cutesy sobriquet to Team HateLee, Lee says that he's not trained and is just going to have to keep pushing himself. Or hoping that Katie will push him, one of the two. Katie reasserts her devotion to Team LoveLee, but her heart doesn't seem to be in it. Danielle and Luke impressed Nigel with their chemistry, and they're still a bit reticent around each other backstage, but manage to correctly synchronise a celebratory "olé!" Rithy and Shane got good feedback from Nigel, and backstage Rithy admits that they hope they're not in the danger zone, but they decided to sass it out that they've "done it before" and know what to do. Heh. Unnecessary Extra Sisco Footage tells us that they didn't deserve to be in the bottom two last week, and he hopes they survive this week because their performance was flawless. Bethany Rose and Israel subjected us to FUCKING ADELE again, and frankly anything that the judges had to say paled into insignificance next to the contributions of Israel's mum from the audience. Seriously: do not cross Mama Israel. She'll take you down. Backstage, Israel's all "cheers, Mum."

We return to the studio with Cat saying simply "Israel: your mother." Sadly, Israel does not respond "no, YOUR mother." I think a decent bout of "yo' mama" would do wonders for the ratings, personally. Cat wishes everyone luck, and starts with Danielle and Luke and Luke's Chest Which Might Require Its Own Billing Soon At This Rate, who are safe. Bethany and Israel escaped last week despite the worst routine in the history of everything, so naturally they're safe again this week. Cat informs the remaining two couples that one of them is definitely in the bottom two. She reminds us that Arlene called Lee "an old banger", and the audience boos again for good measure. Arlene just grins coyly, which is another reason to love her. Shane and Rithy got good if slightly nonsensical feedback, and are in danger again, so Katie and Lee are safe for another week.

Cat asks Arlene why the public didn't listen to her [because we've learnt? - Chris], and Arlene finds it hard to explain because she thinks they've improved a lot. Cat points out that the good side of all of this is that we get to see their brilliant solos again, because they went down so well last week (even though Nigel said that Shane was the only person in last week's bottom four who was actually doing what they wanted in his solo) and Rithy and Shane are all "yes, that is indeed the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. Thank you, Cat Deeley."

Group two, anyone? Kirsty and Lee had a lyrical hip-hop routine that didn't really set the world alight, though wasn't actively poor either. Poor old Kirsty had to dress up like Space Hooker Barbie, and Nigel pointed out that Kirsty struggled to get up off the floor, which may be attributable to her Oldness and Fatness, though this was never specified. [Given how much he over-reacted to the one boo he got, I'm guessing fatness. - Chris] Kirsty admits backstage that she wasn't feeling it onstage tonight, gesturing to Lee as she does so, as though she's testifying that no matter where he's pointing to on the doll, she didn't touch him there. Lee says nothing, but just gives her a kiss, and I get a little bit sadder at the prospect of them eventually being split up if they're in the competition much longer. I think they should just blow the competition off and go on tour as a double act. I'd book front-row seats, and you would too. Don't deny it. The Amazing Karen Hardy gave Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom a quickstep routine that showed off their individual talents, but it still wasn't enough for Arlene to give Tom any props. We see Katrina wandering into the wings mumbling "oh dear". Tom is so blatantly over the "you're not as good as Katrina" meme by this point and is now just dancing for us, and definitely not for Them. Hip hop caused Charlie and Alice to come unstuck as they were both off the beat in different directions. Louise pointed out that hip hop needs a coolness behind it (or possibly "a cornice", though frankly that's the one bit of architecture Kate Prince has managed to restrain herself from planting on the stage so far [DON'T MENTION IT BY NAME, IT MIGHT COME BACK - Chris]) which wasn't there tonight. Backstage, Charlie and Alice run the chalk and cheese metaphor into the ground. The judges found it impossible to fault Charlotte and Matt even though Charlotte sucks, and backstage, they're obnoxious some more.

Cat starts with Alice and Charlie, reminding them of what little positive feedback they had, and they are told straightaway that they're in the danger zone, which means everyone else is safe. Crikey, talk about getting right to the point. This has the unfortunate effect of leaving everyone else a bit too wracked with survivor's guilt to be able to celebrate their safety properly. Cat asks Louise if perhaps the audience picked up on her comments about hip hop needing a laid-back vibe, as if anyone watching ever listens to anything any of the judges are saying, let alone Louise. Louise thinks the public saw there were stronger routines tonight, but now Charlie and Alice have another chance to prove themselves.

Rithy's up first to do her solo, to 'Cosmic Love' by Florence + The Machine. It starts well as she bounds on with an aerial cartwheel, but it does end up looking a bit sloppy and a bit too small for the stage. I'm just not sure that solos are really where Rithy's skills lie. I mean, it's better than last week's showing, there's no doubt of that, but it still doesn't really move me in the way that I expect these "dance for your life" routines to. [I preferred last week's - Chris] There is also no evidence of her grabbing her crotch at the judges this week. [This is why - Chris] Shane's solo is to 'Red' by Daniel Merriweather, and is much of the same athletic, backflipping, pirouetting shirtlessness we saw last week. The audience resume those annoying countdowns of the final seconds, despite having done so well so far this series. SIGH. Alice is next, dancing to 'Hurt' by Xtina, doing some impressive contemporary moves. Maybe I just have slightly more of a point of reference for contemporary than I do for hip-hop, but I thought Alice's solo was better than Rithy's, and I say that as someone who would choose Rithy over Alice in a heartbeat in pretty much any other situation. Alice gets a bit confused at the end and goes over to Cat, who ushers her off the other side of the stage. Finally we have Charlie, who starts in some kind of ungodly position on the floor, causing Cat to bend over and check if he's ready. (Oh, get your minds out of the gutter.) He's dancing (well, contorting) to 'Kickstarts' by Example, and the moves that he's pulling off are indeed impressive, but they do seem to be the same few moves repeated quite frequently. Oh, and he appears to have ripped the seam of his trousers at the crotch in the process. So yeah, if it were down to me, based on the above I'd save Alice and Shane, but we'll see what the judges decide shortly. [If you thought Rithy and Shane was a height mis-match, just IMAGINE Alice and Shane! Wacky fun! - Chris]

Cat reminds us that the judges will be deliberating over who to send home for the next few minutes, and while Nigel is busy looking very Serious Business and writing notes, Louise is looking benign and Sisco is looking anxious, Arlene is totally laughing behind her hand at Charlie's ripped trousers. I love Arlene so much.

To fill time while the judges deliberate, it's The Wanted. This is blatantly a pre-record, because there's a live band behind them that wasn't there about 10 seconds ago. I know pretty much nothing about The Wanted, so I'm totally going to flamebait myself by saying that one of them is about six and they don't appear to have one personality to share between the five of them. Fortunately, I know enough to recognise that the songs that they're medlifying are 'Heart Vacancy', 'Gold Forever, and 'All Time Low' (with some very squeaky harmonies), in that order. Presumably they received a Cease And Desist from Kings of Leon to stop them from doing 'Lose ~~Somebody~~ My Mind'.

Cat pretends that they're still here and applauds them before welcoming in the four dancers awaiting to learn their fate. We're starting with Alice and Rithy, and Nigel says that it's a tough decision tonight, because he doesn't think that they should all necessarily be in the bottom two. Alice is called forward and told that she doesn't seem to be making a mark, because none of the judges could remember anything she's done prior to this point. [Which obviously is entirely her fault - Chris] Poor Invisible Alice. The judges don't understand why Rithy is not pulling in the votes, leading Nigel into an odd little tangent about whether she has any relations in this country (she doesn't, so Nigel suggests she get someone to adopt her). Alice is called forward again, and told she'll be going home tonight. Alice, to her credit, clearly saw that one coming given that the summary of her contribution to the show thus far was "who are you? How did you get in?" and takes it like a trouper. Cat asks Alice how she feels, and Alice replies that she believes Rithy will win [*FALLS OVER LAUGHING LIKE SCALLY JUST GOT ELIMINATED* - Chris], and Rithy's going to take her to LA, so it's all fine. Yep, nothing says "sure-fire winner" like being bottom two with the public in the second and third weeks consecutively. Or, indeed, being from Brazil. Alice cries a little bit and says she feels stupid for doing so, at which point Cat rather overcompensates by being all "you're not stupid, you're INCREDIBLY TALENTED." Alice goes on to thank Kenrick the choreographer, because she knew that even if she went home this week, she was going to have a blast with his routine. Then there's a bit of mistiming fun where Cat goes in to give her a hug and a kiss and Alice sticks her hands up at the same time and almost punches Cat in the face. Hee. Poor Cat, she always seems to be narrowly missing the end of someone's limbs.

Charlie and Shane are called over, and Nigel calls Shane forward first, saying that despite his obvious talent, he's not connecting with the audience and wonders what's missing. A UK passport? No, apparently it's personality, which Charlie has in spades, as he is called forward to hear his feedback. Nigel calls him "a charming little scamp" and wishes they could somehow create some kind of Frankenstein's dancer out of the two of them with personality and technique. Nigel doesn't think Charlie is growing fast enough, and while he's unique, he doesn't have the skills that a lot of the others have, and it's a big ask for him to do what the others do, even though that's the entire point of the show and they knew that when they picked him for the Top 20. Charlie is sent home "with our best wishes" to protect the integrity of the programme or some shit, and Shane looks almost as upset about this as Charlie does. Cat tells Charlie he did really well to get this far, and a lost-for-words Charlie says that he's learned so much from everyone and he very classily thanks the judges for the opportunity to "do my stupid stuff on TV." Bless. Cat, in much the same way as she was with Alice, is all "DEFINITELY SPECIAL AND NOT STUPID."

Cat calls Alice back over to join Charlie, and beckons the Top 14 to join her on stage as well. She tells us that this is usually the end of the show, but tonight we have a shock announcement, courtesy of Nigel. Nigel says that it's always a sad night when two dancers go home, and that will not happen next week...because next week FOUR dancers are going home, bitches. Two boys, and two girls. Katie looks glum, while Scally looks like she just barfed in her hand. Cat asks Sisco what the remaining contestants can do to ensure they're not in danger next week, and Sisco very helpfully tells them not to sleep, but to do That Thing That We're Refusing To Quote several times. Nigel, on the other hand, tells them to get lots of rest and eat the right food. We're on earlier next week because of the Eurovision Song Contest which will probably send the ratings even further into the toilet, but nonetheless, Chris and I will be here to bring you every little detail. See you then!

So You Think You Can Take Israel's Mum? I doubt it.

2011-05-08T12:28:00.005+01:00

Top 16: 7th May 2011

Last week : Katrina Ballerina married MattFlintMania and hence became the Yoko of the show ; Katya Virshilas turned up and choreographed a couple of ballroom routines like she was still working with Gavin Henson ; the judges treated Tom, Israel and Lee-Boy like they weren't fit to breathe the same air as their partners (get used to it boys...) ; Team Raggy Doll/Rocket did some authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood ; Danielle and Luke came to blows ; someone called Supple turned up and ruined things for everyone by choreographing an INTENSELY HOMOEROTIC hip-hop routine between Shane and RuPaul's Drag Rithy, which freaked the public out so much that they almost ended up going home.

Oh and Gian Luca was Italian. DID THEY MENTION THIS?

This week : Lee-Boy knees a random in the face, AndrogyLee kicks Kirstie in the head, and MattFlintMania finally snaps and punches Scally in the face. It's Domestic Violence Week on...

SONIA BRAGA CAN DANCE! (all credit to Joel of Bitch Factor for that one. If you have any alternative lyrics you sing during the credits, please let us know. God, I feel like I'm Going Live! now).

We start with a group routine, to "You Can't Stop The Beat" from Hairspray, aka Austin's Jive song. It's like they're inviting comparisons they can't live up to isn't it? All the girls are Doris Day, and all the men are in pink (Angry Luke, AndrogyLee, Lee-Boy, Shane) (I wonder how Lee-Boy feels being on Team Gay there?) or yellow (Charlie Whee!, Tapper Tom, Tapper Matt, Israel) shirts, white belts and ball-crushing jeans, with their hair done up to Max Headroom. Well except Israel, and Tapper Tom, who is of course sporting his usual cropped look. Frankly I'm surprised at this point he's not sporting a dunce-cap and a sandwich board saying "I Am Shit" as determined by wardrobe.

OK, so if I'm ranking quiffs (and I am) :

1. Charlie Whee! (lush, soft, architecturally magnificent)

2. AndrogyLee (the most redolent of Elvis Presley, whilst also being impressively like a poodle.)

3. Angry Luke (rocking the blonde quiff, which is not an easy look, because it can so easily go Mr Whippy) [Or make him look like he's the new host of Scratchy & Co - Steve]

4. MattFlintMania (A bit Mr Gay UK circa 1998)

5. Lee-Boy (Pretty much the same as always, but trying a bit harder)

6. Shane (plastic-fantastic greasy looking nightmare)

DNF : Tapper Tom/Israel

Everyone swings around incredibly sloppily, and at the end they all get in formation and jive out, with Cabbage Alice leading the way. I think this is Cabbage Alice's one moment of glory in this entire show actually. I hope she looks back on it with pride. Tells her grandkids and that. [She really was very good in this whole number. Well done Alice. - Steve]

Once they're done (with Tapper Tom throwing an amazing and appropriate "Word Life" pose at the end) Cat stomps out in lens-flare red, yelling "QUIFFTASTIC!" and talking about their being no ozone layer left over Shepherd's Bush tonight. Because of all the hairspray. And not at all through all the pollutants that the judges produce every time they open their mouths. She tells us all that Giant Lady was the mind behind that performance, as we cut to the woman herself in the audience. Flanked by Karen Hardy. [OTP <3 - Steve] Can't hardly wait.

Cat then tells us that tonight is a night much like any other night on So You Think You Can Dance UK? The eight couples will dance, there will be a bottom 2, two of the four in the bottom two will go home. Also, couples will be portraying a bunch of WACKY characters. Can you remember some of the WACKY characters we've had this series? Mostly vampires admittedly, but also a Bollywood Prince (ZANY!) and a hip-hop robot (who was that?). AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET MORE MENTAL! Also there will be some dancing. But mostly KERRAZY CHARACTERS! Next week Angry Luke's coming as a Gay Spanish Robot Pterodactyl With An Ear Fetish And A Complicated Relationship With His Father. Called Juan. BEST BROADWAY EVER. [That, incidentally, is also the plot to every single episode of Lost. - Steve]

Judges time now - Sisco is described as "the best dressed man in that seat", and it's still incorrect (he's come as a bondage Papa Lazarou), Louise is described as "gorgeous" which is more true this week than it has been, Arlene is bigged up as having both seen it and done it (I'll say), and Nigel is described as a man, a myth, and a legend. Sadly not as the "holder of the idiot stick" this week (Pre-emptive : "ANN WIDDECOMBE?!"), which might have been a help.

Nigel is asked if tonight is a clean slate for the couples, or if past performances will be taken into account. Nigel replies "it doesn't matter, we're just going to give EXACTLY the same comments as last week, except maybe we're going to pretend that Angry Luke and Danielle are in love, because we're bored". Oh alright, he says that it's never a clean slate, because they always have to be monitoring the growth of these people. Monitoring their growth? Sounds...cancer-y Nigel, nice choice of words. [Maybe he meant stubble growth? I bet Nigel's keeping a very close eye on the girls' underarms. - Steve] Arlene is asked what makes the perfect dance partnership - Arlene replies that we have to believe that these people really care about and support each other (because that way it's easier to make out like they're having a potentially ratings-grabbing showmance). They also need a thirst for mastery of genres apparently. Cat witters on about the answer being "indefinable chemistry" like she didn't just ask Arlene to define it.

Louise and Sisco don't get asked anything, which is a shame, because I can certainly think of a few questions. Mostly "why?"

First up this week are Angry Luke and Danielle, who are dancing paso doble. Cat tells us all that after only three weeks together, it's apparently time for Danielle to meet Luke's family. Angry Luke looks in pain. I HEAR WEDDING BELLS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU!

We're reminded at VT open that last week Angry Luke and Danielle did a well-received boxing routine, which apparently Danielle loved. She says this whilst stood in the Docklands dressed in furs. This is never explained. I was hoping that we would be getting an actual hooker-prostitute themed paso doble (it is Karen Hardy, don't tell me that she wouldn't). We're also reminded that Nigel didn't particularly like them last week, but expressed this mostly by talking about wrestling/boxing/ultimate fighting championship like my nan. ("Is this a real one or is this a fake one?" - as someone hits someone in the head with a chair). So nobody really cared.

We're shown their Totally Random Dance Pick, with Angry Luke pulling out Paso Doble and then making bull horns at Cat and a madly skirt swishing Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty, but not at Danielle, because he might go too far and actually prong her with a pinkie in a sudden FIT OF ANGRY LUKE RAGE. He interviews that they had Latin in week 1 and it didn't go down well then, so hopefully this will go better. I cannot believe these two are about to beat the Latin Curse again. And they also beat the rapidly mounting Commercial Curse. What gives? Are they magic?

Not magic enough to avoid a "Meet The Parents" segment, as they travel up to Leicester so Angry Luke (looking smoking hot in glasses it has to be said) can parade Danielle around like livestock to his family and she can maybe get some understanding as to why he is how he is. I hope they go up to his teenage bedroom and read through all the plays he wrote. Anyway, he kind of disinterestedly points her at people whilst his entire adorable family talk about how amazing he is and ignore her existence. A whole army of brothers snorfle at how Luke is clearly the best even though he hasn't used any of their dance moves yet (Angry Luke : WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR THINGS? *flounce* *flounce* *flounce* *SLAM*) and Danielle lies that she definitely feels at home and Luke looks at her indulgently and mildly patronisingly. A cute child then eats camera.

In the studio Karen Hardy tells us all that she's very excited to be choreographing a paso doble, as it is about PASSION and HATE and FIGHTING, which are all very much things Karen Hardy is about (as Arlene will discover in the car-park later as a warning just in case she thinks she can fill Alesha's soon to be vacant chair on Strictly again). Karen makes a lot of grunting noises, and then, in the most terrifying moment of TV history, plonks Danielle on the floor, stares into her eyes and says with a hint of menace "we need to talk about making you into more of a woman". BRING OUT THE STRAP-ON! NO VIRGINS IN KAREN HARDY'S DANCE CLASS! We don't see the deflowering, but Karen says they were too fluffy and nice to start with (Angry Luke? Really?) and now they're not, so I'm guessing it was SPECTACULAR.

Out to the stage now, and it's very clear very quickly that by "more of a woman", Karen Hardy meant "Karen Hardy", as Danielle is a full-on Mini Me for her. The black hair, the eye make-up, the heels, everything. Totally Karen Hardy. They're both doing their paso thing to Tetsujin, which is from the soundtrack to one of the shit Matrix films (ie all of them, but in this case one of the last two). Certainly from the looks of it, Angry Luke's home-visit has topped up his anger levels, as he is now FURIOUS, leaping around like a demon and staring at Danielle like he wants to hate-shag her to death. Danielle for her part gives it a go, and whilst she's not quite as convincingly ragey as Luke, who is?

Overall I think it's my favourite routine of the night, just for the sheer Karen Hardy overblown angryness of it all, although they do both perform it well. I, in my ignorance of TRUE PASO DOBLE, miss a little bit of the caping that's been sacrificed so that we can see right up Danielle's minge, but if it gets them votes, so be it. In the end, Danielle is sacrificed on the alter of Furious Luke's Furious Boner in a very Karen Hardy sexy way, and the nation waits on their tender hooks to see if he's actually murdered her or not. Not this time nation, not this time.

As they totter over to the judges, and Luke stops seeing shapes, Cat sarkies that she thinks there could have been a more dramatic way to open the show possibly. We're quarter of an hour in Cat - the show opened with Shane's quiff. It turns out in interview that somewhere in that sex-crime, Danielle has lost a bracelet. And a stocking. And probably about a pound of hair from Luke ripping it out her scalp maybe. Whatever Danielle, fame costs, and this is where you start paying in bangles. Arlene is first for the judges, and has successfully identified that there was sexual content in that routine, so she's happy. She praises their Spanish Lines and then z-snaps them and says "bang on, kids!". Bless.

Louise follows, and says the routine was like watching an epic movie, with all the drama and the passion. That was a great way to open the show and set the bar. Sisco bugs his eyes out in disbelief that suddenly, out of nowhere, this couple have chemistry. And all it took was a routine where it looked like Luke wanted to murder her with his penis. Who knew? Nigel closes by saying he loved it, but then praises entirely Karen Hardy and Danielle & Luke barely at all. Karen was on Strictly for 5 seasons ("series" Nigel, and it was 4), she's even won it once (oh God, don't set her off), and he would like to shag her. Thanks Nigel.

Danielle and Angry Luke talk about how great it was, how this was their favourite routine, and it was really great to finally find their connection. I still say they hate one another.

Next up are Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel, and ANOTHER "Meet The Parents" segment. Joy. Oh and Israel is wearing the wide-open billowing white shirt of Boring Contemporary, so I'm setting my phasers to "coma" already.

The VT opens by reminding us that their terrible hip-hop last week got the terrible reviews it deserved. Israel complains that the judges are as tough as they said they were going to be, and Bethany-Rose shrugs that she thinks they did the best they could ([silent] - given the choreography[/silent]). We're then reminded that the judges said that they were in danger until it was guaranteed they'd be safe, and then they were. Bethany-Rose says that this was a real wake-up call and now they're going to show the judges just how good they can be. Woo.

We're shown them drawing Contemporary, and then being quite happy about this to say the least. In the dance studio Bethany-Rose talks about how this is a routine full of anger and emotions, and she's really glad that both she and Israel will be able to show their sensitive sides this week, as it's just been upbeat and fun til now, and how boring that is. I will say that of all the couples I think this one is right up there in terms of them actually liking one another and it being obvious, if you're looking for reasons why they're continuing to get votes despite dancing...like they're about to.

Oh yeah, another "Meet The Parents" bit. This time it's Bethany-Rose being inducted into Israel's clan in some restaurant somewhere. He mugs to camera that he thought this was just going to be a quiet occasion, as they walk through the door and about 10,000 people all scream at him from beneath the tables of a fish and chip shop. Israel calls them all "peoples" as he introduces Bethany-Rose to them, and his dad is super-cute with her, and already this feels warmer than Luke's house. She gets many hugs, and then Israel's mum sits them down in a corner for a council of war over a battered saveloy. She gives them a big Churchillian war-speech about believing in themselves and knowing they can do it - increasingly jabbing the air and getting animated before she rouses the entire restaurant to scream to the heavens for Bethany-Rose and Israel. Bethany-Rose nods throughout like everyone does when they meet their partner's parents for the first time. Israel's face reads "Oh, Mum..." throughout.

Out to the stage, and they're dancing to that Adele song that's been everywhere now that's basically "You Oughtta Know" for librarians. The musical equivalent of drunk-dialling but not even bothering to do anything interesting with it. [Or as I like to call it 'No Really, I'm Fine, Your Happiness In No Way Makes Me Miserable And I'm Definitely Not Being a Rancid Passive-Aggressive Arsehole About It, I'll Just Be Sobbing Quietly Over Here But It's Not Your Fault Or Anything'. God, I loathe Adele. She makes Taylor Swift look emotionally mature. - Steve] So already I'm a bit iffy. Bethany-Rose is really good - not quite Katie Love levels of contemporary dance, but certainly up there considering she's a jazz dancer. Israel on the other hand feels a bit lost. He's pretty wobbly throughout, and his physical and facial expressions don't really go beyond "kicked puppy". I get that that's appropriate for the song, and the routine is pretty confused, with who's leaving who changing about every 5 seconds, but he seems pretty weak out there. It's a shame, because she deserved far more criticism last week than he did and didn't get any, but he deserves quite a lot of what's about to come to him.

When they're finished, Cat shuffles over to Bethany-Rose saying that she's not to worry, Israel isn't REALLY walking out on her. Well he wasn't for half the routine either, but there we are. Nigel starts by asking who it was at the end of their VT, giving them the best advice they'll ever hear. Cat replies that it was Israel's mum. Israel's mum then rises from her seat in the audience to give them the second best advice they'll ever hear in their lives : "COME ON BLERRGH MURRRRRRRR GWARRRRRRRRN!". Nigel then goes on to praise them both for their confidence and faith in one another, particularly given that Israel has had much less training than Bethany-Rose. (Hilariously, Nigel blatantly tries to get Israel to say that he only started getting proper training like, a week ago, and Israel ignores the bait). He was credible, that's for sure. Nigel closes by saying that they were both as brave as the actual Dambusters tonight. O...k.

Sisco next, who praises Bethany-Rose to the hilt, before saying that Israel is making progress, but his torso still doesn't contract, and he still isn't really (*word redacted*). This kicks off a lot of hissing and booing from the audience, and Louise to interject flapping her arms all over the place. Sisco tells her to shut up before he slaps her (...), and then carries on talking about how rude everyone is for interrupting him. Nigel mugs to the audience and tries to get them to boo more, before he gets into a fight with Sisco WRT how fast Israel is improving and whether that's enough. So panto. Louise follows saying that Israel lifted like a pro, and she takes back any and all criticism she's made of him ever, signed Louise.

Cat closes by asking Israel's mum to scream at the judges. She does so. Cat grins that this is all very much like the elections that we just had. It certainly feels about as dignified and pointful as the AV election. THE MONEY YOU SPEND ON VOTING FOR ISRAEL COULD BUY A NEW ANTE-NATAL CARE UNIT. CUT IT OUT, YOU'RE KILLING OUR BRAVE BOYS WITH THIS NONSENSE!

Next up are Alice and Charlie Whee!, both dressed up vaguely military style. Cat says that this week they've joined the SAS, which is short for "Sweating and Struggling". For the all-girl dance-troupe at my Uni it stood for "Sexy and Single". In the real world it means "Special Air Service. I kind of wish that it stood in this context for "Sisco and Silence".

We're reminded of last week's performance in their VT, specifically Charlie showing the judges that "contortion breakdancers can do other things". Personally I never had many thoughts either way about the versatility of contortion breakdancers, but I guess that's why I'm not a judge. That and being TOO REAL FOR THEM OH YEAH I SAID IT. Alice has a bit of a whinny in her VT segment about how she feels like she's in Charlie's shadow a little bit, and wants to break out. Ah, the fodder kraken awakes. In context of this "wanting to outshine her partner" set-up she does awfully well not to burst into tears when she pulls hip-hop, which is nominally Charlie's genre, out of the CatBox. Instead she gamely grins and says that she hopes that this means she gets to show off her fiery personality which no-one has seen because she's only done elegant routines up to now (/because she's the most under-the-radar contestant on this show apart from the Sooper-Sekrit 11th couple : Invisible Betty and AnonyBob.)

In training they do a lot of what look like "It Ain't 'Alf Hot Mum" gang-show arms, as their choreographer, named Kenrick, tells us all that their characters are going to be running an MI5 secret agent assault course. James Bond and Spooks have a lot to answer for in terms of people thinking this is what spies actually do. You wouldn't get Anna Chapman running up and down an assault course unless it was for a sooper-sexy FHM Russia shoot in her bra and panties. Kenrick gives us advance notice that he is going make Alice and Charlie both cry and sweat, so they know how the audience feel watching this show every week.

There then follows "Fix Up, Look Sharp" on the soundtrack so I'm happy. Dizzee Rascal always makes everything better. [Everything apart from Band Aid 20, although that was pretty much unsalvageable from the get-go, so I'll let him off. - Steve] Kenrick says that he's not here to make friends (hint Kenrick : you're a choreographer, not a contestant) and Charlie and Alice both bond over what an unbearable pushy nightmare he is. Kenrick closes by saying that he's more impressed with Alice than he is with Charlie, as he forces Alice to do 10 push-ups for the fifteenth time today, for no reason. Let's see what benefit all this has had shall we?

Out to the stage, and the whole thing is covered in great scads of camouflage netting. After the relatively prop-free first couple of routines, we are back on familiar territory here with a VENGEANCE. Charlie and Alice BUST through the netting and perform the least aggressive aggressive hip-hop routine I've ever seen. Basically the theme is a couple of recruits scrapping playfully with one another on an assault course to Kanye, constantly jostling and leaping on top of one another and trying to out-do the other. The problem is that they're both, Charlie especially, really really soft. I'm not saying they have to hit as hard as Rithy, because they might dislocate something, but it's so soft it's pretty much butter. Charlie throws a few tricks in there here and there, which all get a mild woo but nothing too overwhelming. They're also out of time with one-another, a lot.

Towards the end, just as I'm about to declare Alice better, they both climb on boxes and do some seated stuff, closing with Alice...just spinning around on her hands for a good 5 seconds like a 4 year old trying to get up for a handstand and failing. It's so sad I have to watch Legacy about five times to calm down again. Oh well.

Over to the judges, as Cat declares herself scared by Alice still being in character. It is pretty terrifying. Sisco starts for the judges by saying that he was sceptical when Crazy Ol'Man Kenrick said in the VT that Alice was out-doing Charlie, but after seeing that he agrees. If Charlie hadn't done a front-sommersault mid-way through, he wouldn't even have noticed him. Alice is BACK IN THE GAME! Was Alice ever in the game? Really? Ever? Come on now.

Arlene then SLAMS her hands down on the desk, and says that he is Mr Chalk and she is Mrs Cheese, because he was behind the music and she was ahead of the music, so not only were they not in time, they were not in time by the Gulf of Mexico. She then proclaims Charlie to be her weak (/moist) spot, because she always loves him no matter how he dances, because he really feels the music. Alice on the other hand rushed it and wasn't authentically hip-hop. Sisco then disagrees noisily and does a swagger dance and says that as the arbiter of hip-hop, he proclaims Arlene wrong. Arlene claps her hands and points everywhere and is incoherent. These judges tonight are just...blah.

Cat then says that it's time for Louise's opinion (is it? is it ever?), and Louise says that she is both staying out of it and agreeing with Arlene. Alice came across like a try-hard and hip-hop needs the more laid back cool vibe that Charlie brought to the routine. Sisco starts blathering about how THE NAME OF THE TRACK WAS POWER AND SHE GAVE IT POWER. I didn't notice him critiquing Katie Love last week when she singularly failed to actually try sleeping with a broken heart mid-routine. Nigel finishes, as the Cat-designated "man on the street" (don't worry Cat, even with this show being a bust, American Idol's doing alright for itself. The mansion's safe yet), saying that neither of them had enough swagger, or as he used to call it "cockiness". Charlie in particular was too floppy, and they were out of time.

As Cat reads out their number, Alice kind of pushes herself completely in front of Charlie and winks at the camera. I hope this is just a minor combination of awkward coincidences and she's not actually getting pushy, because I like Cabbage Alice in all her fodder-ness.

Next up are Lee-Boy and Katie Love, dressed like an advert for a 1920s murder-mystery hotel weekend and three course meal, as Cat informs us that this week they've found themselves on the Most Wanted list. Is it for trying to force that "Team LoveLees" name on us all?

In their VT, both of them gush about how much they loved the Contemporary routine, and Katie Love says that she's so proud of Lee and that he looked like a real contemporary dancer out there. Also when they hug and dance and congratulate themselves on being amazing backstage, Katie Love's hand is RIGHT on Lee's arse with a quickness. If they hadn't so assiduously pressed on us during the Kate Prince Breakfast Show routine that they didn't have any feelings for one another, I'd say they were shagging. Actually, scratch that, they're dancers, what do feelings have to do with any of this? They're definitely shagging.

At the CatBox reveal, they pull out Jazz, and Lee-Boy looks not terribly impressed to be honest. Katie Love demands that he give her jazz-hands, more jazz-hands, BETTER JAZZ HANDS LEE-BOY COME ON. I really enjoy Katie Love now - she's so exhausting. [Me too - she's a lot more entertaining than I thought she'd be. - Steve]

In the training room, Sean Cheesman shows his face again, saying that Katie Love and Lee-Boy's routine this week will be based on Bonnie & Clyde, who were apparently a pair of gangsters in the 1930s. Thank you, Sean Cheesman. Maybe he can come back every week with a new history lesson for us. I guess this makes MattFlintMania John Dillinger and Charlie Whee! Pretty Boy Floyd.

Training seems to going badly for the pair this week, particularly in the lifts, as there doesn't seem to be one attempt shown that doesn't end with someone being near-crippled. One poor lift in particular leaves Katie Love with a lot of back-pain, as Lee-Boy nail-chews to camera about having done the one thing he really didn't want to do - hurt Katie Love, and this has really knocked his confidence. Given that it appears to have knocked her vertebrae, he should probably consider himself lucky. They then give a really odd interview where Lee-Boy swears this was an accident, and Katie Love very solemnly says that yes, it was definitely an accident. Not jokily or being playfully sarcastic, but straight up serious. Does she think we might think he did it on purpose? I'm not that cynical. Well, not seriously anyway. Cheesman praises them both for continuing to try through all the stresses and strains, and Katie and Lee-Boy close very earnestly saying they are definitely going to do it this week. The routine that is.

I swear, with all the family visits and "boot camps" and so on this week, it's weird to see a VT that feels not at all scripted. I'm not sure I like it. MORE FAKE RUBBISH PLEASE, SYTYCD.

Out to the stage now, and oddly enough the routine doesn't at all focus on the part of the Bonnie & Clyde story where he's repeatedly prison-raped until he switches off from society entirely, or where she gave up a promising life as a straight A-student because life in provincial Texas was too stifling and dead-end and small in order to run round shooting people in the face because it made her feel like a movie-star. Instead they focus on the part where they're all sexy and stuff and she waggles her tits and vagina about like they're really itchy. Sean Cheesman's history lessons are kind of basic like that.

Katie Love is pure filth, and Lee-Boy acts like the wolf from the Droopy Dog cartoon, and that's about it. Some of the lifts go a tiny bit awry, with Lee-Boy munching on Katie Love thigh occasionally, but it's fine. The police come at the end and Bonnie & Clyde jump off-stage to their sexy deaths. Israel's dad gives them a standing ovation. God bless Israel's dad. Katie Love's posters read "I<3KT<3" which saves on printing costs if nothing else. How economical.

Risen from the dead, they stomp over to Cat, and the camera works overtime to make both Katie and Lee's asses look as distracting as possible, if you are capable of being so distracted. Not saying I am. Louise starts for the judges, and that make-up bruise on her left cheek makes me increasingly worry that Sisco has in fact pimp-slapped her at some point off-camera. Get help Louise, even you deserve better than this. She says that Katie Love is amazing, and Lee really struggled with this genre sadly. Katie Love pulls an amazing "bitch please" face in response. Cat asks Lee-Boy how this makes him feel, like Louise's words could ever sting anyone any more than .3 of a paper-cut's amount, and he says that he was outside of his comfort zone, and he knew jazz would be a problem from the start. Still, he tried his best so... *woobie face*.

Sisco follows, saying that he can't believe he's about to agree with Louise, but...he agrees with Louise. Lee needs to pick his own gravity up and be a bit more trust. Let's ask Louise if that's what she was saying shall we? Somehow I doubt it. Katie on the other hand makes him (*word redacted*) every week, and every week she serves. I would imagine that'll be true every week after the show as well, in a Harvester. (OH BURN). Arlene follows, saying that she is still in the middle of her love-affair with Katie Love and she blesses Katie Love for her faith in Lee, but Lee needs to start driving his body like he's a luxury car. Like an Austin Healey Arlene? (*Arlene's vagina essplodes*). She closes by saying that currently Lee is a bit more like an old banger.

Nigel calls out Arlene on calling anyone else an old banger from her vantage point, and then says it's not Lee-Boy's fault he's paired with Girl-Jesus here. He'd probably look alright next to any of the other girls, but there's no comparison. He likes that Cheesman challenged Lee this week, but Lee really needed to step up more than he did. As Cat reads out the numbers, Katie Love offers her Lee's gangster hat to wear. Cat's demures, as any pressure on her forehead will probably leave a dent that she'll have to iron out with an actual clothes-iron later.

Next up are Katrina and Tom, who have apparently been skipping through rehearsal. Hooray! The genre of Skipping Games is here a week early! I hope they do Mary Mack or Bubblegum Bubbleg...oh wait, no, it's Quickstep.

In their VT, Tom adorably doe-eyes about how hard he tried last week, to no avail. Arlene in particular was super-harsh on him (*kicked puppy, sad panda, mournful koala*). We're also reminded that last week also marked Katrina Ballerina touching Tapper Tom all over his face, which is really how all romances start isn't it? Only one week left after this one to consummate before you are TORN ASUNDER you two. Get on it.

They draw a card from Cat's CatBox, with Tapper Tom pulling an anxious face the whole time. Cat asks why he's so on edge, it might be fine, and then draws out Quickstep. Everyone does that thing where they act like ballroom isn't the safest genre in the entire show, particularly Shane, and we cut immediately to Karen Hardy [yay! MOAR KAREN HARDY - Steve], sunglasses on her forehead, also saying that Quickstep is SUPER-HARD. I at least find this more convincing than when they tried to pull it for the pigging foxtrot. She says that Tom and Katrina have got to be both light and fluffy, as they gallumph across the floor, landing more heavily than when Cat tries to make a joke. As a result, Karen sets them the training assignment of learning how to skip, and if they could do it in hold, that'd be great.

Unfortunately for them, Karen Hardy's not holding no jump-ropes, they are despatched, dressed in 80s t-shirts, tiny shorts, and headbands to the local children's adventure playground, as Gold Dust by DJ Fresh plays on the soundtrack. It feels like whoever's soundtracking these VTs this week is trying to pass heavy hints with very sharp elbows to the people who pick the music-selections for the actual routines. They bounce up and down, simultaneously being in quickstep hold and double-dutching, and I'd almost watch this over the actual routine at this point. And not just for Tom bouncing up and down in tiny shorts. But mostly.

Out to the floor, Cat proclaims that Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom will be performing a "quintessential quickstep" and is immediately proved a liar when the first few bars of "Let Me Entertain You" play through the speakers, before for some reason the whole thing goes mute and Tom and Katrina both quickstep in silence. Or at least that's how it worked on my TV. She's also proved a liar by the fact that, beyond a couple of (literally in a couple of cases) runs across the stage in hold, it's mostly solo stuff, in a Broadway sort of style, and some alright but a bit heavy lifts. Judging from the camerawork, I think the cameraman might actually be doing more quickstep than the dancers here.

Katrina is lovely and imperfect as ever, and Tom is to be honest trying a little bit too hard to show personality. DON'T LISTEN TO THE JUDGES TOM, YOU'RE AMAZING JUST AS YOU ARE! Sigh.

They go over to the judges, and Cat makes sure to check Katrina's shoes to ensure they're still properly on her feet. Cat's such a mum sometimes. Nigel starts for the judges, getting the most ridiculous he's ever been, saying that the point of this show is to removing people from the genres that they're experienced in and making them show their skills in other JAHN-RUHS (except MattFlintMania), and he didn't see enough Quickstep in there tonight. Which is fair enough, but then he starts implying that Tom did that worse than Ann Widdecombe on Strictly Come Dancing and then a red mist descends over my eyes and when I come too again there's a broken table and a dead pigeon and a lot of blood in my living room. As it does Karen's as she starts bellowing at Nigel from the audience. Cat looks livid quite frankly, and decides to bring Arlene in.

And you know when we're bringing in Arlene Phillips FOR A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE AND CALM, that you're in trouble. ANN WIDDECOMBE?!

Arlene of course does what she's programmed to do, which is to say that Katrina was amazing and rose to the challenge given to her, just like she always does, and Tom was rubbish and out-matched by her. Someone in the audience bellows "SAME OLD STORY!" and "BORING!" which...pantomime booing is one thing but when the audience is actually shouting out "BORING!" I think you're on a level of actual trouble here in terms of saying exactly the same thing and praising exactly the same people week after week. Tom looks like he wants to cut a bitch. Louise closes with a pleasant lemon-sorbet cleansing burst of vapidity by saying that the routine made her smile and she would have enjoyed it if she was sat at home. For once Louise, thanks. Actual thanks. Cat makes a joke about Tom's VT headband, Tom is clearly too full of rage and too covered in sweat to reply gracefully, and they wander off, with Katrina giving Tom an awkward sideways glance as they go.

Next up, Kirstie and AndrogyLee with her dressed as as glittery used condom and him as a nerd. Apparently they're dancing "Hollywood Hip-hop". Possibly about some lonely geek having a posh wank.

In their VT, they both gush about how much they loved the Bollywood routine, and how much the audience loved it. We're also reminded that it rendered Sisco incoherent, which was frankly a blessing. Out of the CatBox they draw hip-hop, specifically "lyrical hip-hop" ie "contemporary to R & B music". AndrogyLee thinks that people will think "how is this one going to do hip hop?". I must admit, of all the pairings I would expect to do hip-hop well...this is not one of them. Then again, it'll probably be hip-hop where the entire routine is them hitting a hula-hoop with a stick whilst dressed as coot penguins, so why worry?

Simeon Qsyea pops up now to tell us all that the story of the dance involving AndrogyLee and Kirstie is that of a geek who falls in love with a hot girl, but she's too good for him and at the end she disappears. This is the story of their routine EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK. It's not only the judges comments that have been getting repetitious. Kirsty's cute, but I don't need to see him lusting pathetically after her every time I turn this show on. Anyway, as AndrogyLee is playing a geek, obviously he is being made to wear glasses, and Kirstie giggles that AndrogyLee looks really hot in them. She is now officially Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty Who Has A Crush On Darlene From Roseanne.

In training, AndrogyLee kicks Kirsty in the head repeatedly, and they're both very sweet about it. These two are so cute together. Simeon then explains to us all that Lyrical Hip-Hop involves a deep understanding of the lyrics of the track, and we then cut to Kirsty pointing at her face and honking "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!" as AndrogyLee falls about laughing in the background. I know she's going to get a lot of shit every time she brings up her deafness because she's "ZOMG MILKING TEH SYMPATHY VOTEZ!" but who could hate on her for that? That's just funny. She then very earnestly explains that she's partially deaf and relies on hearing the beat not listening to the words and wears hearing aids and yadda yadda but come on... "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS! HONK HONK!". Gold. AndrogyLee is really supportive and tells her she understands rhythm better than he does, and honestly, this is the one couple I'm not tired of as a couple yet (I think my OTP Katrina and Tom needs some time apart to really appreciate one another). I could watch them forever.

So anyway, out on stage, and AndrogyLee is indeed a big old geek, sat at his laptop, disinterestedly tapping away on the verge of falling asleep (I can so identify at this point) when suddenly A GIANT GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM BEAMS IN FROM MARS AND BEGINS DANCING! AndrogyLee fumbles around for his glasses and does double-takes to a hip-hop beat whilst a giant laser Chewbacca head is projected onto the screen behind him and the GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM FROM MARS starts rolling round on the floor and miming and acting like it's a team captain on Give Us A Clue with Michael Parkinson. Then they run around making airplane arms, before the geek sits back down again, the GLITTERY GOLDEN CONDOM FROM MARS gives him a hug, then disappears below the desk. Then some sparks fly out of the geek's crotch and he starts tapping away mentally at his computer and staring in disbelief at thin air.

When it's over, Simeon Qsyea gives a really half-hearted round of applause from the audience. Whatever Simeon, YOU WROTE THIS SHIT.

(He was I think as good as he was ever going to be at this, and she had a nice attitude, but was out of time, and couldn't really get herself off the floor in anything like an elegant fashion. Still, GIANT GLITTERY CONDOM FROM MARS. Come on...)

As they wander over, Cat burbles about how AnrogyLee has gone from glam-rock to "geek-chic". Which is a bit much, but given that the other option is to talk about what they've decked Kirsty out in, I can see why. Sisco starts for the judges, and says that that routine was clearly a load of old horse-feathers, but what he likes about these two is that they take whatever's given to them and turn it into gold (en glittery space condoms). Nigel follows, and says that the floor work was poor and someone was off the beat, and when Kirsty tried to get herself off the floor it was really heavy and awkward. One person boos and Nigels throws a shit-fit, yelling "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT'S BEING SAID! BOO BOO!".

I hope whatever crawled up Nigel's ass and died this week has been passed out of his system by next Friday, because I can't deal with a Double Elimination AND him in this state at the same time.

Arlene closes by saying that the routine was "dull, dull, triple dull", which adding up makes it quintuple dull. She doesn't understand how anyone can dance to Bruno Mars and not express passion and excitement through every inch of their bodies. Erm...this is the Bruno Mars who's just released a track about scratching his balls, Arlene, yes? Anyway Arlene starts stroking herself and moaning about the "Nth Degree", and let's just move on shall we? Cat gives out the numbers, Kirsty is still a glittery gold space condom.

Rithy and Shane are next, dressed as the Renaissance, and Cat tells us that, after their Bottom 2 appearance last week with their silent movie routine, they're coming back with a bang. Does this means they have actual guns? Cool.

In VT, Shane and Rithy recall the nightmare that was last week, when they both struggled to get into character, their routine was criticised for lack of character, and that they then wound up "in the Danger Zone". I believe the show-approved term is now "Dancing For Your Life", for whatever reason Shane. Get on it. Rithy then says that she really hopes that this week they can make the public love them again. Oh Rithy, the public never loved you and never will. I don't understand it, but there we go. I'm already transferring my loyalties elsewhere because I can't stand the pain. Oh and then they draw the black spot (unless you have Angry Luke's Magic Curse-Defying Powers) of Commercial. Whoopie. This is like the last half-hour of Requiem For A Dream with how depressing it is. Can we cut to him having a limb amputated and her getting eaten by her fridge?

Cheesman's back anyway, telling us that this week's Commercial routine is based around the idea of "Emperor's New Clothes" and it's more about the style and the story. Does this mean Shane's going to be naked? Have I in fact done enough perving this week? (Readership In Unison : YES). Anyway, whatever happens, Rithy is going to have to be girly and sexy and defy her tomboy leanings in order to tit around in a frock making dirty faces. This doesn't really seem to bother Rithy much and she does it without a struggle. I can't help feeling it might have been better for her votes (/vote) if she'd pretended it had been.

Next Rithy and Shane make doe-eyes at one another and say that they've been through so much together that they've really bonded, and their partnership now feels like a marriage. Can you imagine the children? The gorgeous, gorgeous children? Sigh. Obviously a turkey baster would be involved at some point because...you know...but it's a beautiful dream. Anyway, yadda yadda, we're so in sync, blah blah, some bickering but we love one another really, ying yang, not getting divorced yet, tum-ti-tum fodder VT interviews 4eva, let's get to the dancing.

Which is apparently to "Slow" by Kylie. Hmm. Rithy starts looking very "Emperor's New Drag Queen", powdered and wigged and made up to the eye-balls, pulling sexy lines with very muscular shoulders behind an elaborate dress, then dismounts and she and Shane do a whole lot of nothing in elaborate corsetry. This is pretty much the opposite of the last routine, in that they're both looking gorgeous (him especially) (Readership In Unison : WE SAID ENOUGH WITH THE PERVING ALREADY!), but the routine is a whiter shade of beige. Lots of rolling around on the floor, lots of geometric and gynaecological lifts. Lots of sex-face, but ultimately pretty cold. Maybe Cheesman was taking the brief of "Emperor's New Clothes" to its logical narrative conclusion, but there's nothing here I was remembering even whilst I was looking at it. I think it broke my short-term memory briefly. It ends with Rithy climbing back inside her Renaissance shell, and I kind of wonder if it even happened.

Over to the judges, and Cat burbles to Rithy about how it's amazing that she went from being a proper hip-hop girl last week (you know, when she was Charlie Chaplin) to being a sex-kitten this week. Shane also still exists.

Arlene starts for the judges saying that she's trying to get the image of the thigh-to-thigh head spin out of her head. It was amazing. I can't say as I disagree, because I would have to remember it happening. The editors even show us a clip and I'm coming up with nothing. Arlene tells Rithy that she could dance the phone directory and she'd still drool over it (...you don't say) and Shane was doing the best work he's ever done outside of his solo last week, but she doesn't think he can do a contraction. DO A CONTRACTION SHANE! Shane does a contraction. Arlene pops a £5 note into his g-string.

Nigel follows up by saying that he's so glad that Rithy is dressed as a girl again after last week (ciscentric bastard) and that he doesn't understand why this pair were in the bottom two last week, and this week was even better, so he CERTAINLY hopes it doesn't happen again. Maybe try not comparing other dancers to Ann Widdecombe then Nigel? Maybe? We close with Louise being asked if she has any constructive criticism to offer. She tells Rithy that she is amazing and sexy and perfect and beautiful and stunning and so versatile, but she might want to practice moving around in heels a bit more. Shane continues to also exist.

(I'm going to stop with the "how to get votes for Rithy and Shane" stuff at some point soon, maybe in time for the London Olympics, but as people are voting for pairs, it might be helpful to acknowledge that they are one).

Last up are Scally and MattFlintMania, dressed like Mirror-Universe Hindley & Brady where they were super-nice and ran a sweet shop. They're doing Broadway, although apparently not with Giant Lady, despite her being in the audience, so I'm going to deem it "Lyrical Broadway".

Their VT cuts in, with Scally saying that during rehearsals on Friday Matt dropped her on her head, and she went dizzy and couldn't see much. Which was not the best preparation for the routine. Still, on the night they danced it the best they've ever danced it, so in the end, it was all for the best, even if she drops dead of a brain-bleed in nine months time. SACRIFICING HERSELF FOR HER DANCE. IF SCALLY WERE EVER A SWEET GIRL IT'S GONE!

Out of the CatBox they draw Broadway, after Matt Flint mock-threatens Scally to pick a decent genre this time. Otherwise she'll be DROPPED ON HER HEAD AGAIN and probably pick up the ability to speak Spanish and needle-point. Let's keep banging Scally on the head like a detuned radio until the result is tolerable. Come Sunday she toddles off to hospital to learn from the doctors if she's allowed to dance. She is. Hooray.

In training, their choreographer, the fairly scary looking Bill Deamer tells us all that this is a very traditional Broadway routine, redolent of the 1930s and 1940s. I can't wait for Rithy to very conveniently draw out the hip-hop routine next week, followed by Simeon Qsyea coming in saying that he's suddenly decided to do a routine centred around a Brazillian tom-boy and her friend who stands around her with his shirt off. There's a designated prop (a case) that Scally claims got Matt more and more excited until he had to elbow her in the face. We see the offending incident, after which Charlotte cooks a perfect souffle, solves Fermat's Last Theorem, and asks that someone put flowers on Algernon's grave. She then punches Matt in the face and giggles like a 2 year old. Matt then gurgles like a toddler and announces "of course Matt and Charlotte can do it", in a CBeebies voice like he's talking about potty training. So tiring. So very very tiring.

Out to the stage, and the theme of the routine is "newlyweds on honeymoon, probably in Bridlington or something" and they're dancing to "Sing Sing Sing" aka "Denise Lewis' Quickstep song" which is a memory I will treasure forever. The routine is very very fast paced and cheery and bouncy and very enjoyable indeed. I've always thought Matt was one of the better male dancers even if this pairing does give me the squits, and tonight is the first time I think he's really excelled. He's just so in sync with the music and the feel of the piece. Her I'm still less keen on, to put it mildly, but it's definitely enough to be the second best routine of the night.

Over to the judges, with Nigel and Arlene giving a standing ovation, Louise bobbing up and down like a buoy, and Sisco resolutely sat down. To be fair, if Sisco stood up all those bondage straps he's wearing would probably tear his clothes to shreds and we don't want that do we no we don't. Cat squawks and giggles at them that they've certainly packed light - those suitcases wouldn't even hold her make-up. You don't say Cat?

Nigel starts for the judges by staying that they got a standing O from them, by which he means himself. He then lists everyone who was ever in a film between 1930 and 1943. It's quite a list. He tells MattFlintMania that he is without question the best man in the competition, and what Scally lacks for in technique she makes up for in personality. Arlene says it was stupid-fast and she felt all the razzle-dazzle of Broadway in the studio. Louise follows up by saying that she's been struggling to say anything critical all night, but even with that in mind these two are the front-runners for the competition by far. Sisco closes by saying that there's nothing they can't do, and that they're the front-runners of the competition by far. They both gush and grin and toddle off happily.

Cat informs us that that's it, and that all the couples have danced, but Matt & Scally didn't get enough of a bum-licking there, so before the recap, we're going to ask the judges their opinions on the night. Arlene's first and continues to gush more sacrificial blood all over the altar of MattFlintMania, then says she can think of a few couples who might be in danger, but it's not necessarily because of the couple, more one person within that couple. In some cases. Tom. Not naming names or anything.

Louise follows, and is asked if there were any surprises. She opens that obviously Matt and Charlotte being perfect wasn't a surprise, because they're always perfect, but it was really great that Danielle & Angry Luke finally managed to make their mutual loathing work for them. Except she calls them "Matt & Danielle" because...I'm sure you can fill in the gaps. Nigel is told that he's already said that he loves Matt & Charlotte, can you please say another couple just to make this whole segment a bit less tragic. He points out Bethany-Rose and Danielle, who aren't a couple per se, but also aren't men who aren't Matt, so why not? Speaking of men who aren't Matt, Sisco singles out Lee-Boy and Israel as being potentially in trouble, although he does throw one last noble roll of the dice after Shane & Rithy as being stand-outs, like that's going to make any difference.

Recap now : Angry Luke evolving to his new Pokemon form of Furious Luke ; the programme getting its RDA (Recommended Dreary Adele) out of the way for another week ; Alice and Charlie being more MI : High than MI5 ; Kate Love & Lee-Boy going down in a hail of bullets ; something apparently worse than Ann Widdecombe ; the GIANT GLITTERY GOLDEN SPACE CONDOM FROM (BRUNO) MARS ; the Emperor's New Clothes ; a giant sign saying "MattFlintMania Just Won and there's still over a month of this crap left!"

Results will follow. Apparently they featured The Wanted. Joy effulgent.

So You Think You Can Blue? (Yes It Did)

2011-05-01T12:25:00.008+01:00

Top 18 Results: 30th April 2011

Cat opens by telling us that 18 dancers are all waiting, hoping to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer, except probably Stephanie, who at this point's probably just hoping to last long enough to get a background role in the new production of Top Hat with Tom Chambers that's COMING SOON. GianLuca would be downhearted too but he's JUST SO FIERY AND ITALIAN that there's still hope burning in his FIERY AND ITALIAN bosom. Earlier they danced for our votes, but now, phone-lines are closed, and there is nothing more they can do. THIS IS SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

SUGAR FINGERS CAN DANCE!

Once the anonymous opening credits dancers have done their thing, making me long that half of them were contestants rather than Scally, we're back in the room, and being re-introduced to our Top 18. Scally leaps on Matt from behind as he carries her around the stage (WHAT A VISUAL METAPHOR AMIRITE?) ; Lee-Boy grabs his crotch at Katie Love ; Kirsty and AndrogyLee whirl around whipping their hair back and forth like the 21st Century Team Rocket they totally are ; Bethany-Rose Lee kicks Israel in the face ; GianLuca stands stock still and pulls stupid faces as Stephanie does Hott Latin Action (what, again?) ; Tom tries his damnedest not to ask Katrina Ballerina SERIOUS QUESTIONS about what she was doing getting married to his arch-nemesis Matt Flint earlier; Charlie sticks his head in Alice's crotch and circuses about a bit; Shane & Rithy half-arse it because they just KNOW; Danielle and Angry Luke give one another the most violent and hateful hi-ten I've ever seen. SO MANY FEELINGS. I hope he turns her into Angry Danielle and they get the joint win and go to the US version and give everyone the finger for 90 seconds instead of dancing.

Truly then the US viewers would get a REAL taste of So You Think You Can Dance UK.

Cat enters from backstage, wiggling her fingers and trying to do a spooky voice about it being the dreaded results show. Whooo! I'm more freaked out by her belt personally. It looks like it's about to actually slice her in half, leaving So You Think You Can Dance UK to be the very first UK reality show to be presented by a torso slab (if you don't count Davina obviously). She explains how the results format works, and re-introduces our judges. Sisco is still dressed as Treguard from Knightmare. Louise still looks like she's made her dress out of a bin-bag and spray-on snow. I'm really worried for Louise guys. I think we should stage an intervention. I think she's let her guard slip fatally with regards to not hating Sisco, and it's starting to damage her in her fashion place.

Nigel and Cat bat back and forth about how it's now, at the arbitrary point of Top 18, that the competition gets REALLY tough. There's a bit of a dip coming soon, as Top 14 is Skipping Games Week, but then we pick up again by Top 10. Nigel tells us that whichever couples find themselves in the Bottom Two tonight will have to Dance For Their Lives in the solos, as that is what it's called. That place. It's called "DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE". Is it? First I've heard of it. Cat then chooses to get philosophical with Arlene, saying that they often talk about magical, indefinable, intangible qualities that get performers votes on shows like this, like smiling, getting a decent edit, being British, and having a penis. Where does Arlene think this comes from? Arlene replies that she gets hers from smoking the contents of a hoover bag. Well actually she says that it comes from "catching someone's eye", but I think my answer for her makes as much, if not more, sense. She then waffles on about standing out in group routines, like that's not down to choreographical choices like, say, being cast as the BRIDE AND GROOM in a wedding-themed routine. For example. Just saying.

(Oh alright, for balance's sake also like being propelled through the air as a sexy vampire wiping away sexy blood/semen from your mouth, Rithy is probably equally as pimped as MATTFLINTMANIA but la la la I can't hear you)

She says that for her, Matt and Katie stand out the most for her, because they bare their souls to her. Is Katie Love at that stage of Fatal Arlene Attraction already? Ok. I wouldn't mind a few of the male dancers baring their souls to m....[That's quite enough of that - OFCOM]

Time now to run through the performances from last night of our first group of merry result-getters via the magical medium of VT. Tom & Katrina are first, running up and down a load of crates, Katrina spending less time on the floor than a granny in a nightclub, and Louise tells Tom that tonight he "really pulled off a cowboy". Not likely Louise, Tom is STRAIGHT, GRR NO HOMO, HE PLAYS POOL AND EVERYTHING. Arlene calls Tom a pumpkin - Katrina Ballerina and Tom tell one another that he's not a pumpkin, and then they start touching one another's faces and possibly making out. [Rule 34 in action, ladies and gentlemen. - Steve]

Charlotte & Matt do their STOLEN routine, with him doing 0.76 of a Tom Chambers face the whole way through and her channelling the spirit of Pepsi & Shirley. Arlene tells us all that we are to fancy MATTFLINTMANIA for the fifth week running - I remain stoically resistant. Backstage the pair of them oink and grunt and make incoherent noises all over one another. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel do the worst routine ever in the history of this show ever - Arlene tells them she had more fun huffing petrol round the back of a BP garage last week than she did watching that routine and Sisco tells them that was move on.org honest to blog on a hamburger phone from 2004. Backstage Israel tells everyone to vote, whilst Bethany-Rose goes into Bethany-Rose crisis management mode and stares at her feet.

Katie Love and Lee-Boy jump around on a bed/giant bar of soap and get universal praise. Backstage she swigs from a giant bottle of clear liquid that I'm sure is definitely water and tells us that she's sure that they'll get another household object as a prop next week. She thinks a bath. I'm hoping for a hoover, a hostess trolley, and a full set of kitchen knives.

VT over, this group are then cut to standing centre stage, waiting. Lee-Boy is reminded that Arlene said that he would probably be a crap shag, before he and Katie Love are told that they're safe. She bends backwards over his arm in a drama-drape ; he refuses to acknowledge her existence. MATTFLINTMANIA and Scally are also safe, duh. This leaves my OTP and Israel and Bethany-Rose as the presumptive Bottom Two from this set. Cat messes around with them a bit, particularly Tom, because that's what he's there for (HOLD STRONG MY WOOBIE) before Tom & Katrina Ballerina are announced safe and he pulls an INTENSE orgasm face which I may or may not be rewinding and playing for my own purposes later. (I WANT TO MAKE A FAN COLLAGE, GET YOUR MINDS OUT THE GUTTER). [I don't believe you for a second. - Steve]

Ordinarily this would mean that Israel and Bethany-Rose would be in the Bottom Two, as they should be, but guess what, Nigel said "YOU IN DANGER GURL!" one too many times and they are in fact safe. Woo. Their eyes bug out and they totter off in shock as Cat yells "THEY'RE ALL SAFE LOU, THEY'RE ALL SAFE! JUST THIS ONCE, EVERYBODY LIVES!" like it's the end of that episode of Doctor Who back from when it was good, and she's about to do a waltz with BARROWMAN on top of a Zeppelin in World War Two. She then asks "Lou" if she is shocked that Bethany-Rose and Israel are safe. She says that yes, yes she is.

So now that we've done all that and found no victims, it's time to run through the night's other performances via the magic of VT. Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty and AndrogyLee make vaguely offensive "Indian voices" and faces before stepping out onto stage and bopping out to noted Bollywood goddess Nicole Kidman. Sisco made hooting noises at them, and then backstage they both honk about how much they love Sisco. You can go off a pair you know.

Charlie & Alice talk more about the royal wedding, as we as a nation purge the last remaining drops of that nonsense out of our system. Nigel calls us all stupid and shakes his head about how we won't all appreciate Charlie Whee's true genius in that routine. Charlie Whee and Cabbage Alice talk about how truly as one they felt during that number. Danielle & Luke roll around smacking one another to the least annoying Jessie J song (which is still pretty darned annoying by anybody's else standards - COCONUT MAN! DO IT LIKE A BARROWMANDEM! *makes noise like a tribble on speed for about half a minute*) - Louise says that what she means when she says "bring it" (ie "get your top off"), but Nigel hates it and proclaimed it as fake as wrestling. I wish it had ended with Angry Luke clobbering Danielle in the head with a steel chair and then setting a table on fire with a torch made out of a barb-wire baseball bat. SO MANY FEELINGS. [The amount of violent fantasies you have about those two are making me think you have quite a lot of feelings as well. I'm quite concerned. - Steve] Backstage, Danielle and Angry Luke continue to hate one-another.

Stephanie and GianLuca pull dumb faces then go out and dance cha-cha and continue to pull dumb faces. Everyone says they're amazing and they whitter on about how that was the BEST THEY'VE EVER DONE IT. Ah well. Finally Rithy and Shane perform the worst idea in the show's history, as the lack of beat in the backing and silence of the crowd make their Charlie Chaplin routine feel like it's being performed in an entirely different dimension to the rest of the show. Arlene says that Rithy is the greatest human being ever to have lived, but Shane needed to "butch up" for his role of comedy silent movie policeman. Well obviously, given as how that role was always played by a Pitt/Stallone/Van Damme type.

Back to the stage now for the results. Luke and Danielle are first, and are safe, and she gives him a bone-crunching hug as he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney-stone. This leaves two presumptive Bottom Twos for Cat to mess around with, the first of which is Team Raggy Dolls vs Team Mature Adult European Sexuality. She messes around with a pantomime metaphor for Team Raggy Doll before moving on to increase the tension, causing AndrogyLee to give an amazing humongous eye-roll at the fake-drama of it all. I wish the lines were still open : I would have given him an extra vote just for that. Team Mature Adult European Sexuality are reminded that Stephanie is PROFESSIONAL and GianLuca is ITALIAN before they're told that they will be Bottoming for the judges' pleasure in a minute. Stephanie gives Cat a professional-level DEATH GLARE, as AndrogyLee and FDOFP Kirsty pull goldfish faces of shock and retreat to safety.

Cat asks Arlene to do some fake-outrage about Stephanie and Gian Luca two being in the Bottom Two - she does so. It's LATIN Arlene. I have no idea how Danielle and Luke escaped its clutches last week, but the Universe had to right itself eventually.

This leaves the battle of Team Crappy Lookalikes Agency vs Team Blog Favourites, so the result is obvious really isn't it? Rithy & Shane are in the bottom 2, and Cabbage Alice and Charlie Whee! skate on. Alice mumbles some words under her breath that are possibly "fudge", "sugar", "bollards" or any other mum-swear favourites you choose to mention. [My money's on "nutty fudgekins". - Steve] Sisco is asked to drum up some fake-horror at these two being in the bottom. He does so, and tells the public to vote only 50% on what they see, and the other 50% on what the judges say. Yeah that'll work Sisco. Especially as the judges are always so internally consistent.

Solos now then - Stephanie's up first and merrily stomping around doing a jive to "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. At no point does she do the Proud Mary arms, which makes this a complete waste of time, especially as she's a bit cart-horseish of leg and desperate of face. Next up comes ITALIAN Gian Luca doing some very ITALIAN leaping around and spinning to Des'ree at her most ITALIAN sounding. Odd then that the whole routine should feel quite so much like a very FRENCH shrug of the shoulders. I guess these EUROPEANS are even more interchangeable than we thought. Rithy follows, trying her level best to redeem a song from current-era Britney Spears and almost managing it. Almost. Whatever, it ends with her repeatedly grabbing her crotch at the judges, which is enough for me to say she should be safe. We close with Shane "bringing it" in the manner of Louise's choosing - ie he's got his top off. He's doing his thing (which is mostly excellent aerial control and wiggling his torso like he's trying to a birth a Martian out of his belly-button) to "Seven Nation Army" and doing it really rather well.

To be honest, if either Shane or Rithy go home after that then my ENTIRE FAITH IN THIS PROGRAMME IS...oh no, wait, that went a while ago.

As if to finish this thought, guess who's on guest-performance duties this week? That's right, it's BLUE! Aieeeeeee! They go through their Eurovision song with all the enthusiasm of the guest act for the opening of the Annual Conference of the Guild of British Cheesemakers, which in a way they are. Lee asks us to ponder how important it is REALLY that Shane and Rithy are in the bottom 2 when the elephants are STILL DYING ; Duncan tells us all the disableds love him, especially the cerebrally paulsied ; Simon lectures everyone about how we're not supporting Blue's selfless decision to win Eurovision for the nation enough ; Anthony pisses up against the judges table, and they all do spirit fingers. No really. SPIRIT FINGERS. Hardly LIVING is it?

Results now, as Nigel opens by telling them that three out of the four of them blatantly weren't even trying in their solos. They can all TOTALLY STILL WIN, SO CHEER UP. This is apparently particularly so in the case of the girls. The judges were split 2-2, and couldn't be arsed to discuss things further, so Nigel just asked someone from production to decide. I'm guessing a cameramen flipped a coin or something. It came down tails, so Stephanie's going home. Something clearly goes very unrehearsed at this point as Stephanie tries to leave and Rithy tries to stay and Cat corralls them around like a mother at a birthday party having to step in in the middle of a particularly vicious game of Duck Duck Goose. She asks Stephanie how she feels at this moment - Stephanie says "I'm not sure I can explain(/without jabbing my fingers in your eyes and screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) Cat". She then leaves.

Next it's time for the boys, who are informed that the decision in this case was unanimous, and they didn't have to ask the tea-lady to pick based on who she fancies most or anything. Nigel doesn't think either of them deserve to be in the Bottom Two, but hey, that's the British Public for you. He then tells GianLuca that he hasn't connected with the public for two weeks running, and Shane is the only dancer who really tried in the Bottom Two, so the latter is safe, and the former is off. GianLuca does a very deep bow, and Shane runs off to get a spine-bending hug from Rithy. Cat asks GianLuca if he has any regrets. He says not. Stephanie stomps back on and is asked if she has any regrets either. She says no also. It's slightly less convincing in her case.

Nigel closes by telling them both to keep on trying, and try to become more charismatic, and he's sure they'll both have successful dance careers ahead of them. They're like 35 Nigel, IT'S OVER.

Better the genre you know

2011-05-01T12:18:00.006+01:00

Top 18: 30th April 2011

Previously on So You Think You Can Dance: the Top 20 faced the public vote for the first time, and ultimately became the Top 18 as Cheekbones Ryan and Clumsy Paige were forsaken by the public. Previously on Bitch, You Think You Can Dance: our distaste for MATTFLINTMANIA gathered momentum and Chris fell hopelessly in love with the epic romance of Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom. What fresh joys will tonight's show bring us? Well, Steph and Gian Luca think they will not be in the bottom two, Charlotte doesn't know what a bottom two is HERP DERP DERP *eats own hair* and the producers apparently cotton on to Luke and Danielle's complete loathing of each other and get them to sort it all out in a boxing ring. About time too.

Titles! SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE.

Because the most important thing that happened this weekend/week/year was two obscenely rich people getting married with a large cash injection from taxpayers while every single television channel in the country emptied its schedule of regular programming in order to shove anything with the word "wedding" in its place, it's only right that this show jumps on the bandwagon with a wedding dance. Now, Chris is violently opposed to the royal wedding at the best of times, so you can probably imagine what sort of reaction he had to a dance that split up his Tom/Katrina OTP and had her marrying MATTFLINTMANIA instead. Let's just say he spewed forward a burst of profanity that Gordon Ramsay got in touch to say "I say, old chap, you should really wash your mouth out". Poor Tapper Tom has been relegated to the role of photographer, and while I hope there'll be a twist in the narrative where the bride runs off with the guy behind the camera, sadly it's not to be. This is such blatant tappism, as well, putting MATTFLINTMANIA front and centre and leaving poor Tom to be the hired help. (Also, Luke and Shane are standing to one side, looking adorable in matching suits, and I know they're probably supposed to be groomsmen, but in my head they were the other half of a double wedding, and no one can tell me otherwise.) Anyway, once That Kiss is out of the way, 'River Deep, Mountain High' kicks in and everyone starts shimmying down the aisle like mad. Other observations: the lilac bridesmaid's dress makes Katie Love look rather matronly, Danielle looks like she could not give a rat's ass about any of this, Stephanie catches the bouquet [Later, she will be marrying irrelevance - Chris], and there appears to be a slight blocking issue at the very end when everyone's trying to line up for their final positions and there's not enough room stage right. Tsk.

Cat arrives in her best outfit of the series so far (a hollow compliment, admittedly, but all the same) and thanks Mandy Moore for the choreography. For reasons that are not made clear at any part of the evening, Cat is wearing a WWE championship belt around her left wrist. [I thought she'd fisted a giant chocolate Christmas tree coin - Chris] [Failing that, I was very disappointed she didn't shoot a fireball out of it once - Chris] She introduces "the royal family of ruthlessness", ie the judges: Sisco appears to be wearing another set of high-fashion armour, while Louise has sensibly avoided walking into any doors before setting foot on the set this week. Nigel hopes that this week we'll see more chemistry between the couples (SCREW YOU, NIGEL, KATRINA BALLERINA AND TAPPER TOM HAVE CHEMISTRY4DAYZ) and connect with the audience. Arlene points out that this week we've got a butch b-boy trying to be soft and lyrical, a contortionist who can't count trying to waltz (Charlotte: "What's a counting? HERP DERP DERP.") and a ballerina trying a fast Broadway routine.

After a quick recap of the rules, it's time for our first competitive routine of the night, from Matt The Designated Tapper Of Choice and Charlotte The Idiot. The VT lies that Charlotte's performance last week wasn't a huge sloppy mess, because she's being dragged through to Top 10 at least thanks to being partnered with the unstoppable might of MATTFLINTMANIA! and they need to justify it somehow. This week they've got jazz, which will be the first of many instances tonight of people rather handily drawing their specialist genre. They have a cane to perform with, which as we all know from Dancing On Ice is THE HARDEST PROP IN THE WORLD, especially when combined with a hat. Mandy Moore, who's choreographing this one as well, explains that it's about a power struggle and the two of them both wanting control of the cane. It's a Cane Mutiny, if you will. Mandy insists that they must not drop the cane, at which point we see a montage of Excessive Cane Droppage (soundtracked to 'Hold It Don't Drop It' by Jennifer Lopez - lovely work from the editors there). Charlotte says that she's missing home a little bit, at which point we segue into a VT of Charlotte's parents, who are apparently both Keith Lemon. The most amusing part of this entire segment is the poster being waved by her parents that says "CHARLOTTE SCALLY" in about 50pt font, and has "+ MATT FLINT" written in much smaller letters underneath. I guess MATTFLINTMANIA! hasn't quite hit Watford yet.

Their routine is to 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood, and Chris instantly recognises this as a theft from season six of SYTYCD in the US, where it was performed by Jakob Karr and Ashleigh DiLello. I've included the YouTube link there for you to have a gander at, but the original is clearly superior for the following reasons:

1. The quality of dancing on SYTYCD US season six was infinitely superior to the quality of dancing on SYTYCD UK series two.
2. Ashleigh DiLello >>>> Charlotte Scally.
3. Jakob Karr >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MATTFLINTMANIA.
4. Unlike Matt, Jakob is not wearing WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK SHOES, for fuck's sake.

Taken objectively, Matt and Charlotte's performance is decent enough: they're sharp and dynamic, and there are some impressive tricks in there, but there's a degree of hamming to the camera that I'm not overly fond of. They don't drop the cane, though, so I think Mandy's prime concern with this routine has been addressed.

Nigel does not cop to the recycling of the routine, but applauds Mandy's work all the same. He says that he's putting his money down on Matt being "one of the best boys in this competition" as though that's some kind of daring statement, and not something that the show's been trying to convince us of since the opening minutes of episode one. Charlotte missed the dress run because she smashed her head yesterday on the backbend and has been dizzy all day (how would anyone know the difference? WHAT AM A FOXTROT BLEEP BLOOP), and Nigel hammers on that she was being advised by the show's medical staff to sit it out, but Charlotte insists there was no chance of that happening. "I signed myself out from the hospital!" she giggles. What a brave little toaster. Arlene thinks they've set the bar high for tonight, and that Matt sends pulses racing when he dances. She adds that they will be joining Frankie in the Going To Hollywood stakes. Louise reminds us that CANES ARE DIFFICULT, saying that Charlotte looks hot while Matt is actually a good dancer. It sounds nicer when she says it. Sisco calls it simply "perfection".

Katie and Lee C are next, having been given one of Kate Prince's more bearable efforts last week (spoiler: no Kate Prince routines in tonight's show! *dance party*). Lee agrees with Sisco that he needs to pull his socks up. In the pick, Cat asks what style they'd like, and Lee opts for contemporary. Cat's all "BUT YOU'RE A B-BOY!!!!!1111" Contemporary it is, which means the girls are two for two tonight in picking their home styles for this week's routines. Their routine is being choreographed by Katrin Hall, who explains that it's about a couple breaking up, "and the love and the passion". Hmm, a contemporary dance routine about relationship problems: how very novel. We saw in the opening that Katie's in her nightwear for it as well, which is just breaking further uncharted ground. Katie likens the routine to the real arguments that they've had, Lee asks her if she ever stops talking, and she gives him SUCH A LOOK. Ugh, then there's this awful try-hard bit where they try to coin themselves a team name of "Team LoveLee", vomit vomit vomit. It's bad enough when the fans do it, but please don't try to actually make it happen for yourselves. [Team CrowLove - They bummed a raven! - Chris]

They have a bed for their routine, which can only invite comparisons to Drew's Hair and Hayley (where has Rafael Bonachela been so far this year? COME BACK RAFAEL THIS SHOW NEEDS YOU). They're performing to the only good Alicia Keys song ('Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart') and despite my grousing, this is a genuinely great routine: Lee is pretty good, but Katie is absolutely phenomenal, leaping around and making herself look completely weightless as Lee chucks her all over the place. Even in the lift that they were shown having serious problems with in rehearsals, where Lee supports Katie as she's lifted into the air and then drops to the ground, landing on her side, she's just incredibly smooth and gentle, and I'm literally astounded that the human body can actually do all of this.

Cat says to Lee "you're a fast worker! Last week the kitchen, this week the bedroom..." And somehow in between he found time to officiate at a wedding, don't forget. The crowd is chanting "LoveLee! LoveLee!" (ugh) and Louise thinks they sizzled, and at times Lee looked at Katie so tenderly that she really felt it, and she thinks they looked like a perfect partnership. Arlene disagrees: at times he looked at her like he should, but he looked "like an apprentice in the bedroom". Cat's all "err, guys, that's something VERY different" and Louise begs to clarify her critique: she thinks that Lee looked tenderly at Katie when the choreography asked for it. Arlene thinks Lee never lifts his chest and his head (Sisco: "WHAAAAT?!") and since the chest is a mirror to the soul (sheesh, what ISN'T a mirror to the soul in dance?) he needs to use that. Katie, on the other hand, was flawless, but Lee needs to give more. Sisco disputes this, and thinks Lee did That Thing We Won't Recap Because It's Not Going To Happen, and that this week he really pulled up and was very inspirational, and Katie gave a beautiful, organic performance. Nigel is proud of Katrin, as this is the first time he's worked with her, and there's pause while Nigel's all "you're Icelandic, is this what you do on those long dark nights, ho ho ho" and then says that his bedroom hasn't seen that sort of action for a while, at which point Arlene puts her arms around him and OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THAT. To get back on point, Nigel thinks Lee was really strong tonight and was there for Katie, and when they danced together it was good, but he needs to think about straightening his legs and pointing his toes. Nigel thinks Katie stands out in a crowd, like in tonight's opening routine. Cat wonders what they'll do next week. Full frontal, I shouldn't wonder.

Kirsty and Lee C are next. They were thrilled with their feedback last week, and are actually quite adorable in their backstage celebrations. They draw Bollywood from the box, and have got Ash Mukherjee as their choreographer. And if you're expecting 'Jai Ho' to be on the soundtrack right now, then you're absolutely right. Ash explains that it's a melting pot of different dance styles from all over India and all over the world. We see Lee and Kirsty looking pretty fabulous in rehearsals as Ash explains that it's about a young couple on their wedding night, where the man is an alpha male looking to get the lady into bed, and the woman's all "no chance" *z-snaps*. Lee explains that it's a high-tempo routine, and because it's Lee, he has to justify to the cameras that he can totally be convincing as an alpha male. Sigh. That "somewhat girly" narrative isn't going away any time soon, no matter how much Lee debunks it on the dancefloor. Ash explains that the three E's of Bollywood are excitement, entertainment and elegance. I was hoping that one of them would be "eeeeee!", but apparently not. Lee clobbers Kirsty in rehearsals, but she swears she feels safe with him. Kirsty: "I like a rocker. We're like Katy Perry and Russell Brand." Seriously, I cannot express how much I love Kirsty. She's amazing.

As Cat's doing her intro, we can see the two of them in the background, with Kirsty elegantly leaping into Lee's arms for their opening position. They're so adorbs. Their routine is to 'Hindi Sad Diamonds' from Moulin Rouge! and it's another wonderfully infectious, exciting routine. Tonight's definitely a step up from last week in the choreography stakes. If I'm honest, I don't think the performance is quite as clean as it looked in rehearsals, and Kirsty's outdancing Lee tonight because she's really selling it, while he has a few moments of wavering uncertainty. They're both doing a great job with an incredible complex routine, though, and I think they've pretty much cemented their place as my favourite couple right now. I'm actually amazed how much I enjoy Kirsty as a dancer, considering the edit she got in the audition shows.

Sisco thinks it was hot, amazing, spicy and rich, and he loves their organic connection. He particularly loves Lee for breaking the mould, and he thinks Kirsty looks beautiful and gave a beautiful performance. Nigel asserts his role as All-Knowing Dance Guy by verifying with Ash that this is specifically Bharata Natyam rather than just "Bollywood" (although he pronounced it slightly wrong), and that there are 300 hand gestures in it, and he doesn't think Lee quite got the hands right. [That bit was just gruesome. NIGEL KNOW ABOUT BOLLYWOOD DANCING! - Chris] There's some booing at this, and Nigel shouts back that this isn't a pantomime "just because Cinderella and the two ugly sisters are up here." Is it wrong that for a second I totally thought he meant Sisco was Cinderella? I think Arlene might have thought that as well, judging from the look she gives Louise. Getting back on track, Nigel tells them to get as close to the style as they can, since the footwork isn't too tricky, but he thinks they both gave a great effort. Arlene thinks Kirsty was "the temptress from the temple" and was really sticking to the rhythm, while Lee was not so much. "Sometimes I want to yell 'stop slumping and start pumping!'" she adds. Insert obligatory "that's not the first time Arlene has wanted to shout that" joke here.

Up next: Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel. As Cat puts it, "he was a Sk8er Boi, she said 'see you l8er, boi'." I really hope there's a point in this routine where the rest of the girls appear as the friends who stick up their (one collective) nose because they have a problem with his baggy clothes. [I hope Bethany-Rose gets PREGNANT and the routine ends with a baby skateboard shooting out her vag and Israel runs off to MTV and Bethany-Rose regrets her choices- Chris] Last week's performance went well, and Cat asks them what they'd like from their pick. Israel would like hip hop, and Bethany is on board with that. Surprise: they get hip hop! There appears to be an uncanny level of wish fulfilment going on with those cards. [Keeping count - after Nigel said TWO WEEKS AGO we'd never see the hip-hoppers doing hip-hop again, we have now seen three of the four hip-hoppers doing it again - Chris] I'm really hoping that Danielle and Luke are both clutching theirs in the middle of an argument when they scream "I wish I could trade places with you!" because that is COMEDY GOLD WAITING TO HAPPEN. Run DMC inform us that it's tricky to rock a rhyme that's right on time as Bethany demonstrates this conundrum in rehearsals. Choreographer Simeon Qsyea reminds us that it's a skater-themed routine so they've got skateboards as props: Israel is coping with it well, Bethany not so much. She's kind of handling it like she expects it to bite her. Bethany admits in rehearsals that she loves the routine, but needs to develop some swagger. I'd love it if they brought Katrina Ballerina in to teach her. Time for a hilarious skating skit, where they go to a skate park together and Bethany turns up in, like, neon pink skate equipment covered in Hello Kitty and ribbons and vaginas because she's a gurl, and Israel is horrifed. Bethany gives this little set-piece exactly the level of GCSE Drama acting it deserves, and Israel teaches her how to skate. But with how much success?

They've got 'OMG' by Usher featuring William as their music, and I'm probably alone in quite liking the actual choreography, but the dancing itself is a much harder sell. Bethany's clearly trying hard, but isn't quite up to the demands - she's a little bit too soft in her movements and isn't locking properly, and while she can grab her crotch with the best of them, any parts of the routine that involve interacting with the skateboard are really not pretty.

Nigel is clearly unimpressed, and says that sometimes the idea takes over from the dancing - he felt there was "a lack of swag", especially from Israel, and the skateboards were underused - they had no strength together as a couple and weren't together rhythmically. He thinks they're both in trouble tonight. Arlene agrees: "I had more fun queuing for petrol this week than watching you dance tonight." Heh. She thinks Bethany was working it and keeping in time with the music, while Israel was off the rhythm and that was unforgivable. And to finish, she paraphrases the lyrics in a moment that only strengthens my Arlene-love: "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-yes-oh-oh-oh-oh." LOVE. Louise tells them that they keep losing her halfway through the routine: Israel has no energy in his body, while Bethany's being left behind by the other girls. Sisco closes by telling Israel that it was "dryness.com, .org and .co.uk" - he thinks Israel's swag and personality is only from the neck up, and he didn't deliver in his own genre. Bethany wasn't technically on, but at least gave a performance, and he agrees with Nigel that they're in trouble. Cat mocks Nigel for attempting to be down with the kids.

Time for the rejects dance: Stephanie and Gian Luca. Stephanie was overshadowed by her lights last week, while Gian Luca had the burden of Paige falling over and forgetting literally everything. They're both happy to be around, and even happier to have drawn Cha Cha in this week's routines. They've got Katya Virshilas and Klaus Kongsdal [Who has let himself go a bit, sad to say - Chris] as their choreographers, and Katya assures them that this routine will definitely not put them in the bottom two. Steph points out that they've got a harder job of things than the other couples because they're a new partnership, so they've not had so long to develop their chemistry. Gian Luca loves Latin dance - "maybe I just feel it inside" [BECAUSE HE IS A LATIN - Chris]- but they're both feeling the pressure after their B2 visit last week.

They're dancing to 'When I Grow Up' by the Pussycat Dolls. They actually make a pretty good pair - it's obvious that Steph's more used to this style of dance than Gian Luca is, but he's holding his own in this routine, and there's definitely an energy here that was lacking from both of their routines last week. There's a banner being waved in the audience that says "VOTE STEPH" but due to a couple of unfortunately placed folds in the material obscuring the V and part of the T, it looks a bit like it says "DIE STEPH". Poor Steph: even her own banners are conspiring against her.

Arlene tells Gian Luca that he's not got a clue about the cha cha, but he was working the Latin fire. So "congratulations on being Italian", in other words. Arlene tells Steph that she owns her technique, but she needs to throw it away and be like "those naughty girls" on Strictly Come Dancing. I don't really understand. Cat: "Nigel, have you seen those naughty girls?" Heh. Nigel advises Gian Luca to use his hips more and isolate his rib cage, and calls Katya "one of the sexiest women in the world". Down, Nigel. He adds that Steph "brought everything you needed to that". Louise thinks they look great together, but wants Steph to give it a bit more and help the audience what she's feeling, and also applauds Gian Luca for his ethnicity. Sisco disagrees with the women and thinks Steph was fantastic, and says that he understood and felt everything. He thinks Steph was better than Gian Luca, but Gian Luca still brought a lot to the routine. Cat wipes lipstick off Gian Luca's face like the team mum that she is, and sends them on their way.

Next up: Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom! Squee! Katrina was thrilled to have great feedback from "Sisco, King Of Hip Hop" last week, and this week they've drawn Broadway. You know what this means: Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom working together with Giant Lady. I'm going to need to peel Chris off the ceiling. Giant Lady explains that she wants "a cowboy and a sassy girl", and Tapper Tom says that he's surprised the routine isn't more "showbiz", and instead it's more character-driven. Giant Lady gets Tapper Tom to work on butching up his cowboy act (I hope this involved her telling him to "get over it" at least once) by asking him to think of the butchest cowboy he can. I'm quite surprised that being told to "think about butch cowboys" does not prompt another round of gay panic, but perhaps he's getting over that too. They stage a shootout, and Giant Lady tells Tom that was "almost butch". Ooh, BURN. I heart Giant Lady. In an early entry for Weakest Segue Of The Year, Tom says that he's not a cowboy, he's a CROFT boy and we cut to shots of Tom's supporters in his home town of Croft in Leicestershire. Tom's mum marshals support amongst some cute kids ("Who are we voting for?" "Tom and Katrina!" I assume there was a second part of this call and response that went "When are we voting for them?" "From approximately 7.55pm on Saturday night until the lines close at 8.15pm!") I note with interest that the flyers Tom's supporters deliver give Katrina equal billing - I hope CHARLOTTESCALLYMANIA! was paying attention to that.

They're dancing to 'Footloose' from the musical of the same name, and their performance isn't quite as sharp as last week's - they seem to be struggling a little bit to keep up with its frenetic pace, but they're still doing a pretty decent job. Tom's little moments of solo showcasing are very good, and Katrina's got charm to space, though I did think her sequence of high kicks was a bit sluggish. The routine ends well, too, with them climbing onto the crates that are being used as their set, and Katrina slipping behind them while Tom does a splits jump back off them that clears her head by what looks like millimetres.

Louise thinks Tom "pulled off the cowboy!" Oh, Louise, that's just a scurrilous internet rumour with no basis in fact. She's been asking for him to give more for weeks, and tonight he gave it to her. Fnar. Arlene disagrees, she thinks Tom has "the personality of a pumpkin" (I wish she'd gone for "the personality of an angry fucking flying fish or summat") - he doesn't perform out and is not that cowboy from Texas, apparently. [Alice is a cabbage, Tom is a pumpkin...Arlene needs to work some spring vegetables into her critique. You're not on an autumnal reality show now Arlene - Chris] "You need to go shopping in Croft and find yourself a personality!" Could he not just go in London? I mean, sure, it'd probably cost a bit more, but it's closer and there's bound to be a better selection. Sisco thinks Tom's improved from last week, but still needs to bring more to the stage like Katrina does. He thinks they handled a difficult routine very well. Nigel thinks it was mean of Giant Lady to give them so many lifts to do, so he thinks it's an improvement from last week, but he does still need to give more personality. He loves Katrina's energy on the other hand, and can't believe she's a ballerina. Cat: "Can you breathe now?" Tom, breathless: "No."

Alice and Charlie are next. They're happy with how last week went, and Alice just wants to do it again. No such luck, though, as they're moving onward to an American Smooth Waltz, and they're only couple so far not to be entirely thrilled about what they've chosen. Alice lampshades the fact that most couples this week have picked a genre that suits at least one of them, but neither she nor Charlie have ballroom skills. Matt Flint tapdances obnoxiously in the background while they're doing this. Do you not get enough camera time of your own, Matt Flint? Because I think you do. Katya and Klaus have choreographed this one as well, and Katya calls it "basically a dreamlike sequence" and Charlie reminds us that they're both starting from "stage zero", with Alice adding that "it would be easier if at least one of us knew what we were doing." Charlie is also worried about the number of lifts, though he rather unfortunately chooses to express this to the cameras as "lifting old Alice up" in an interview where Alice is also present, causing her to (justifiably, in my book) smack him for implying that she's some sort of heifer. Their concern is that ballroom is meant to look easy, but they're making it look hard. Katya says that she wants them to look like "William and Kate". As much as I do not want to hear about the bloody royal wedding any more, I'll take anything over the constant "Justin Bieber and Rihanna" comparisons.

They're dancing to 'Three Times A Lady', and I love the opening where Charlie is behind the backdrop, creating shapes with his silhouette that Alice (who's in front of it) is dancing with. After about ten seconds of this, Alice moves stage right with Charlie coming out onto the stage in synchronisation to grab her for a lift, and they take hold for the ballroom proper part of their routine. It's much better than the VT led us to expect - they've got nice chemistry together, and there's great rise and fall in the routine, and despite what they feared, they are making it all look very easy. I'm not sure if one of the lifts has been quite executed correctly as it looks a bit awkward (Alice drapes herself over Charlie's shoulders and he has one hand between her legs - why?), and there are moments when I think Charlie's a little bit off the beat, but overall this is another impressive performance.

Nigel hopes that William and Kate's first waltz is that beautiful - he was stunned by it because he expects Alice to have a lyrical quality to her work, which she provided, but Charlie is performing with wonderful confidence in areas that are unfamiliar to him. Nigel asks Katya how long it took to get this together, and Katya's all "eight hours?" God, Katya is amazing. Nigel thinks that people at home will not realise how good Charlie was in that. Apparently Nigel thinks that the entire viewing audience is Charlotte. "WHAT'S A RISE AND FALL? BURBLE BLEEP BOOP BOOP." Arlene says that Charlie is "all shades of wrong, but oh so right" - she's impressed that he attempted the heel leads and the rise and fall, but criticises Alice for having her feet flexed in the lifts and not using her hands properly, with the implication that if Charlie can do it, then she really shouldn't be having these problems. Louise loved it, and she thinks Charlie's an underdog who is brilliant to watch despite his lack of perfect technique. Sisco calls it "exquisite". I love that they're always running out of time when Sisco's the last one to speak.

Rithy and Shane are our penultimate performers for the night. They got great comments last week, and Shane thinks Rithy is the best partner he could ask for, which she appears genuinely moved by. These two give Tom and Katrina a run for their money in the cuteness stakes, I don't mind telling you. They've drawn hip hop, which Rithy is obviously pleased about. Their choreographer's name is Supple, and he explains that the routine is about Charlie Chaplin, and it's slapstick and humorous. My alarm bells are already ringing a little bit at this. Rithy admits that learning the routine is nerve-wracking for her because she's struggling with the character - she knows who Charlie Chaplin is, but is finding it hard to get the movements right. Shane, meanwhile, has his own problems because it is HARD FOR TALL PEOPLE to do hip hop. Rithy apologises to Shane for not being as supportive to him as she probably should be because she's got her own issues this week. In a cute interview back at their flat, Shane is eating a Mars bar that Rithy yoinks away from him so they can practice their slapstickness. There are sepia tones and a custard pie involved, I'll leave it at that.

Perhaps a touch incongruously, their hip hop routine is being performed to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11. I know I whinge about this show being too predictable at times, but I'm finding it quite hard to make the mental leap from Mozart to hip hop while watching this routine. They've actually mastered their characters of Charlie Chaplin and Lanky Policeman No. 1 pretty well, and the routine is fun to watch, but there are some issues - Rithy stumbles on her landing from an assisted jump, although Shane grabs the back of her jacket and pulls her up in a way that's so lightning-fast it may well have been a deliberately choreographed movement. I'm still not sure, though. I feel like I'm saying this a lot tonight, but they're both doing well with a really fast and complicated routine. Having said that, I did feel slightly baffled by the whole performance, and I'm not sure if that's their fault, the choreographer's, or mine.

Cat refuses to miss the opportunity for a "let's be 'avin' you" gag, while Nigel marvels at the Mozart/hip-hop combination, though he thinks it came off. There was just enough dancing in there for it all to work, and he thought the characters were great. Sisco thinks it lacked hip hop content, and there wasn't enough funk in the locking, but he thought they were great entertainment and the most consistent couple in the competition. Cat at this point asks about the stumble-and-grab moment, and Rithy's all "um, what?", which may be from Cat's rather fumbled attempt to explain what she means, and Nigel screams "don't admit anything!" to them as Rithy's just about to cop to it (no pun intended). Cat attempts to salvage the moment by saying that she meant to say what a great example of teamwork it was, and I admire her immensely for demonstrating that she does watch and pay attention and care and all that, but I think she might have done better on this particular occasion to leave it be. Nigel calls it "an arresting performance", and everyone groans. Louise thinks it was spot on, character-wise, and she thinks Shane got away with his locking and popping because he was doing it in the manner of a lanky policeman. Arlene thinks Rithy is a star-storyteller. Cat thinks Rithy looks hot with a moustache. Which, in fairness, she does. [I guess Cat is the femme in this relationship - Chris]

To close the evening, we've got Danielle and Luke. They survived the Latin curse last week, despite a lukewarm (ha!) review of their salsambcha from Nigel and Louise. Danielle points out that they've never done this style of dance before, as though that's supposed to be a good excuse and not in fact the entire point of the show. They draw Commercial in the pick, and I still have yet to meet anyone who actually understands what that is. Dance that people will pay for? Dance that advertises stuff? Not a fucking clue. Even Luke and Danielle don't seem to really know what it is, judging by their non-committal response to seeing the card. It's choreographed by Sean Cheesman, who describes it as "a gutsy, all-out brawl". They giggle about how they wanted to come back fighting, and now they ACTUALLY ARE FIGHTING. Sean is concerned that they're dancing "too soft" and he feels that their lack of chemistry puts them in serious trouble. I can only assume that "lack of chemistry" is a euphemism for "openly despising each other". They head out for some actual literal boxing (to the soundtrack of 'Mama Said Knock You Out' by LL Cool J, naturally [I wish that had been the actual music instead of Jessie J - Chris]) where they manage to go relatively easy on each other despite the aforementioned hatred, and Danielle wins the staged scrap, with Luke slurring "she's feisty!" into the camera from the mat. Much like Bethany Rose-Lee, he delivers his scripted dialogue with a healthy sense of derision.

They're in a boxing ring dancing to 'Mamma Knows Best' by universal annoyance Jessie J, and I feel it would be remiss of me not to point out that shirtless and in boxing shorts is quite a good look for Luke. I mean, there probably won't be much call for it in the rest of his life, but it never hurts to know these things. It was handy of Sean to choreograph such an aggressive routine for them because they actually seem to be quite enjoying pretending to beat seven bells out of each other. There are some impressive moves in it too, particularly the ones that involve Danielle wrapping her legs around Luke's neck - I especially liked the one where they use the momentum from this for Luke to roll down on to the floor with her still around his neck. It looks like one of the lifts lands awkwardly again, but it's a good, energetic note to end the show on.

Arlene is thrilled that they provided the sexy show she wanted, and she thinks Danielle stole the routine. She wants Luke to react more to Danielle's mock punches, something that I'm sure Luke is well practised at. Louise thinks they saved the best for last, and Sisco loved it, he thinks they matched each other for sexiness, and it was believable and fearless. Cat asks them if they felt the pressure to deliver this week, and Luke says that they had to come back and hit it hard, and Danielle adds that they wanted to prove themselves. Nigel, sadly, did not feel that they proved themselves - he thought it was "a little fake, like wrestling" and "less UFC than KFC". He liked the choreography, but he didn't get the connection - he thought they both stood out in the opening, so he knows that they've got it, but they don't work together. Then we get to the most surreal part of the show, where Sisco tells Nigel that "of course it's acting, they're in a boxing ring" and Nigel thinks that it must be wrestling because they don't have boxing gloves on. Oh, Nigel. You're becoming so literal, it must be all that time spent around Kate Prince. Somehow you can get past the fact that a man is fighting a woman, and that they're clearly in very different weight classes, and yet the fact that neither of them is wearing boxing gloves is where the illusion of convincing boxing is destroyed for you? How would they have done the lifts with boxing gloves on? How would anyone have been able to judge their hand placements? I just...there isn't enough room on the internet for me to fully state how much I do not get Nigel's problem here.

ANYway, let's move on. Danielle and Luke exit, and Cat asks the judges for some final feedback overall. Nigel thinks the standard is stronger tonight, because last week he felt at least one partner tended to let the other down, while tonight things were generally better, though a few couples are in serious trouble: specifically Danielle and Luke, and also Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel. Arlene thinks that the contestants need to remember that two of them are going home before they set foot on the dancefloor. She thinks Katie got lucky this week and was flying high in her own genre, while Charlie did a brilliant job outside of his comfort zone, so there's no excuses for anyone. Nigel chips in that maybe next week he and Arlene should do that bedroom routine and show them all how it's done, and right on cue Arlene drapes herself over him, and Cat joins me in declaring this a mental image entirely unsuited to a pre-watershed broadcast slot. Louise's favourites are Charlotte and Matt and Danielle and Luke, and she wants to single Kirsty out for praise, but does it thusly: "I think Kirsty is playing a really good--good--having a great time up there, I think she's flying." Heh. Louise is clearly getting genre-savvy to this reality TV malarkey, and knows that suggesting any female contestant might be "playing a game" is a huge red rag to the internet haterz. Sisco just has one thing to say: he loves Katie Love.

The lines are opened, and we get a quick recap: Thick Charlotte With The Loud Fans and MATTFLINTMANIA not being as good as Jakob and Ashleigh, Katie Love being awesome and Lee C doing a good job of keeping up, Kirsty and Lee B delivering Bollywood spice, Bethany Rose-Lee and Israel sullying the good name of hip hop, poor doomed Stephanie and Gian Luca, the concentrated adorableness of Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom, Alice and Charlie confounding the critics with some great ballroom, Rithy and Shane's bizarre slapstick hip hop routine, and Danielle and Luke showing us what they really think of each other while pretending that someone choreographed it.

We close with Cat giving us a reminder of all those voting numbers, and...notice anything missing from this?

CHARLOTTESCALLYMANIA!

Turning the Paige

2011-04-24T16:16:00.000+01:00

Top 20 Results: 23rd April 2011

Cat's there with her mic at hand, possibly wondering whether she can just nip off back to LA without anyone noticing if the viewing figures dip any further, maybe catch up on her Netflix rentals and get some sushi with Ryan Seacrest. She reminds us that earlier this evening, "20 fantastic performers" staked their initial bid to become Britain's favourite dancer, after which some of us may have done some voting, and the lines are now closed. We're about to get our first boot of the Top 20, but who will it be?

SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE.

After the titles, we begin with arguably one of the best set pieces of the series so far: the entire Top 20 positioned around a large banquet table, the guys all in ruffled shirts, the ladies all in black and red can-can dresses. (My apologies; fashion history is not one of my areas of expertise, so I cannot give you the technical name for what they're wearing, but if I said "sailors and whores in a bawdy period farce", you should hopefully get something fairly close to what they're wearing.) We open with Yael Naim's slow, mournful cover of 'Toxic' by Britney Spears. Shane is sitting at the head of the table, and summons Steph from the other end, apparently having her in some kind of thrall, as she spins to his will and he moves her to the front of the stage, while behind them, several other pairs couple up. Shane starts to nibble on her neck, and suddenly we're back in the Britney version, and it's sexy vampire time again! Well, they may not technically be vampires, but there's definitely some undead stuff going on. Suddenly it becomes more of a group formation, as everyone does 'Thriller'-style zombie movements, with Danielle and Kirsty in particular making excellent faces, and Rithy gets borne aloft again from the back of the pack [wiping pretend blood off her mouth <3 - Chris] - just lifted into the air this time, though, not thrown. It's a great routine because it's fun, colourful, incredibly exciting to watch, and danced with precision by just about everyone - I was watching closely looking to pinpoint a weak link, and I couldn't find one. Now, that may have just been because 20 people on one stage can get a bit crowded and the crap ones might have been hiding at the back, but either way, it's a bit of a triumph of stagecraft.

Cat enters, telling Shane as she passes him that she wants to suck his blood, and then cackling. Careful, Cat, we're not quite post-watershed yet. She asks us all to applaud the dancers, and the choreographer Beth Honan. And I don't usually do whatever the people in the little box tell me to do, but on this occasion, it was pretty good, so: *applauds Beth Honan and the Top 20. Yes, even Paige*

Cat continues that we'll be sending two contestants home tonight, and Jennifer Hudson will be here with a fantastic performance, presumably thanks to Nigel pulling a few transatlantic strings. Hey, maybe we'll get Pia Toscano next week. [I bloody hope not - Chris] Cat reminds us that the lines are closed and the votes have been counted and verified. For those of you who weren't around last year, here's how it works: the two couples with the fewest votes will be separated, and each dancer will perform a 30 second solo. The judges will then decide which two dancers to send home, and if those two dancers were partnered together, then the remaining couple continues unaffected, but if it's a "one of each" scenario, then the survivors will be dancing with each other next week. Got that? Good. We're invited to welcome the judges back, but I might hold off the applause on this occasion.

Since we've only got half an hour for the results, we're going to get right on with things. I'd almost forgotten what it was like when results shows were just 30 minutes long; it really does make the whole process seem a lot more time-efficient. We begin with a quick recap of the first group of contestants: Danielle and Luke gave us a samba of sorts, and Nigel criticised the lack of connection between the two of them, as well as the lack of sexiness. Luke hopes that the audience at home will see the connection that Nigel couldn't. Katie and Lee C gave us a lyrical hip hop routine that was one of the better examples of Kate Prince's hackwork (hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, unless it's a digital clock, where in most cases it just flashes angrily at you and is always about five hours and 23 minutes out), and Sisco was loving Katie's work, but thinks Lee needs to "pull up". If anyone gave me advice like that, my first response would be to check my trousers and make sure they weren't slipping down. Lee doesn't give a shit what Sisco said (♥) because he enjoyed it. Charlotte and Matt performed a foxtrot ("FOXTROT?" screamed Charlotte. "WHAT IS AN FOXTROT? HOW DO I IT?") and Arlene thought Matt was about to make it "the hottest dance in Scarborough", which I'm sure was meant to be a compliment, but doesn't really sound like one (no offence, Scarborough). Nigel thought Charlotte was a ginger scally. Sorry: "Ginger Scally", as in FRED AND GIIIIIIIINGE. Matt and Charlotte are both utterly intolerable afterwards, as is to be expected. Stephanie and Ryan were upstaged by their own lasers, and are clearly in huge trouble because no one had seen Stephanie until last week, and everyone seems to hate Ryan, including the judges. Backstage, Ryan wonders what it will take to impress Nigel, saying that he gave it everything but it wasn't enough. Steph says that opening the show is really tough, and she just hopes that people pick up the phone. Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom (most perfectly suited pair ever, am I right?) gave us an utterly ridonkulous hip hop routine that went right out the other side of incomprehensible and became incredibly awesome. It rendered Sisco incoherent (like that's anything new), and Tom sounds like the whitest person alive when he tells the cameras backstage that he and Katrina have "secret swagger". [Tom and Katrina's Secret Swagger Club <3 - Chris]

These five couples are on stage with Cat, dressed for their solos if they should have to perform them. She starts with Charlotte and Matt, whose level of public support is not even remotely in question, so it makes sense to get them out of the way first. Despite Nigel's grousing about the lack of "actual foxtrot", they're through, of course, and jump about and scream and make their way into the pit of sanctity. Katie and Lee C are next to learn their fate, and they're safe too. Lee's overcome and hugs Katie, but it's a bit awkward because she's clapping and he basically traps her arm between their chests in his overenthusiasm. Katrina Ballerina and Tapper Tom are next, and they're safe too. Hooray! He carries her off the stage. So it's between Danielle and Luke and Stephanie and Ryan: one couple is under the Latin curse and the other has no fans. Both unenviable situations to be in, but which one's worse? On this occasion, the Latin curse has finally been gazumped, as Danielle and Luke are safe, while Stephanie and Ryan are in the bottom two. Well, bottom four. Oh, you know what I mean. Cat asks Arlene if she's surprised by the outcome, and Arlene says not really, because it wasn't a phenomenal routine, and since choreographers are blameless on this show, Ryan and Steph are criticised for not selling what they were given well enough. Cat tells us that Steph and Ryan are going to wow us with their solos, and then we hit the second recap montage.

Rithy and Shane were amazing sexy cat burglars, and Arlene was thrilled that "the lazy beach bum guy" was gone. Backstage, Shane bites Rithy's neck. He's really taking this method acting lark very seriously. Paige & Gian Luca performed the worst piece of choreography ever to come from a mind that isn't Kate Prince's. [Everything Paige did came from Paige's brain alone. I'm not blaming Mandy Moore for that - Chris] Sisco criticised Paige's posture, and she fell on her arse. Paige is absent from the backstage interview, leaving Gian Luca to apologise on her behalf, and say that he feels bad for her, because he just saw her fall (as do we, again) and there was nothing he could do. Alice and Charlie's contemporary routine was held up almost entirely by Alice, though Arlene's feedback for Charlie was surprisingly positive. Alice begs to be allowed to come back next week. Kirsty and Lee B defied all expectation by giving us the best routine of the night, and were singled out as the week's strongest dancers by Sisco. They scamper backstage, squealing with delight. And finally, Bethany Rose and Israel gave us a disco routine, and Sisco thought they both delivered a "camptastic" performance. Israel confesses that they were shaky in rehearsals, but it went well on the night.

Time for these five to discover who's safe. Kirsty and Lee B are first, and Cat's summary of their feedback is that Arlene said this wasn't Kirsty's style. Weirdly, this is delivered like it's a criticism, even though in context, Arlene was making the point that the show keeps insisting Kirsty is a contemporary dancer when that's not her genre of comfort, and therefore it was impressive for her to do well in it tonight. They're safe, thankfully, because I would have been seriously angry if they weren't. Rithy and Shane's Broadway number was Nigel's favourite routine of the night, and they're safe too. Woo! Israel and Bethany Rose are also safe, which leaves Alice and Charlie and Paige and Gian Luca fighting it out for that last safe spot. I have to admit, when I watched this first time around, I really did think it could go either way. It's hard to know if the usual "teenage girl vote" applies on this show, since they're probably all watching Sing If You Can anyway, and that's where I'd expect the majority of Charlie's fanbase to be. Paige and Gian Luca gave a performance that fizzled out, per Louise, while Nigel wanted Charlie to grow in the competition. The couple in danger is...Paige and Gian Luca. Alice kisses Paige on the cheek and says "you're a firework!", which will make sense in a minute, and is sweet in a dorky sort of way. I get the impression that if we'd actually seen Alice at all before the live shows, I'd have quite liked her. Cat asks Louise if she's shocked by the result, and Louise replies "shocked: no, sad: yes", and points out that if you can't be consistent from start to finish in a routine, it's going to let you down. Cat, bless her, tells them that she can't wait to see their solos and attempts to paint this as a positive outcome, because this means they get to dance for us again. Nice try, Cat, but the look on Paige's face says she ain't buying what you're selling.

Cat asks Sisco why the solos are important, and he says that it's the last chance they have, and they have to burn the floor and *FUTILE ATTEMPT AT CATCHPHRASE REDACTED* and prove to the judges why they deserve to stay in the competition. First to dance is Stephanie, who gives us some serious salsambcha action to 'Conga' while pulling all kinds of sexy faces and looking a bit like Sophia Bush. Also, it is my great delight to report to you all that the crowd this year are not yelling out the numbers in the countdown. [THANK FUCK - Chris] Ryan performs to a disco track that I don't recognise, and his solo is fine, but I don't think it's likely to change the judges' mind on him at this point. Sadly for him I think he'd have been toast whatever happened. Paige is dancing to Katy Perry's 'Firework' (see?) and performs an acrobatic routine with a lot of backflips in it, which I thought was a bit sloppy and not as good as Steph's solo. Finally, Gian Luca gives us a ballet-inspired contemporary solo which didn't really do it for me, but given the judges' aforementioned lack of interest in Ryan, he's probably fine.

To keep us entertained while the judges deliberate, we have Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson here to perform for us. She's singing 'Feelin' Good', a song that I used to love before I heard too many overegged cover versions of it. Unfortunately, this is another one: she drags out the opening to a ridiculous degree. Having taken about three weeks to sing the first five lines, she then proceeds to rush through the rest of the song, not bothering to enunciate, as a result of which we have a "possum on the tree" and the "shit of a pine". Not your finest work, J-Hud, I'm sorry to say. [I enjoyed the part where she opened her mouth so wide that she swallowed all of humanity - Chris] Also, this is blatantly a pre-record, despite the best efforts of the show to pretend otherwise, because they could never have set up the band in the little time that they had between the solos and this number, and J-Hud and Cat are never seen in the same shot.

Judgement time! Stephanie, Ryan, Paige and Gian Luca return to the stage, and Nigel's ready to give us the results. Nigel says that it's sad to see people go home on the first night without having time to grow. We've already had one non-elimination week, Nigel, I'm not sure how many shows you expect these people to take to warm up. Gian Luca is called forward, and told that it's hard to judge him this evening because he was let down by his partner, but they know he has great technique and they'll be judging him on past performance. Ryan is called forward, and Nigel brings up the "what do I have to do to impress Nigel?" quote from the backstage video, pointing out that it's the voters Ryan needs to impress, and he's obviously not done it. He says that Sisco said the routine had no substance, and he thinks that was an unfair comment, because a good dancer will always make a routine great. Sisco chimes in that he agrees with Nigel on this point, but his mic is down so it's barely audible. I prefer un-miced Sisco. Paige steps forward before she's called, and Nigel calls her "a fun, fireball of talent" and tonight it all went away, and says that they'll have to judge her on past performance too. [I loved that - "we'll have to judge you on your past performances...which were also obviously not very good, because you're going home - Chris] Stephanie is called forward and is told that she served it up tonight, showing how a sexy Latin routine should look, but her first routine was not memorable. Nigel says that the judges' decision was unanimous, and asks Paige and Ryan to step forward again, because they're going home.

Ryan takes it on his magnificent cheekbones, while Paige is absolutely distraught, sobbing audibly. Steph puts a reassuring arm on both their shoulders, while Gian Luca gives them both a kiss on the cheek. Steph and Gian Luca make their way sombrely to the pit of sanctity, and will be paired up next week - I'll be interested to see how they work together, actually. Cat's aware that Paige is hating this, and tries to console her by pointing out how much support she has in the audience. As the audience applaud for them one last time, Ryan gives a half-hearted smile and wave, while Paige just looks utterly defeated, and they both have to stand there with their disappointment in full view while Cat reminds us to come back next week. Please. Don't leave us. Before Cat can finish her sign-off, Charlotte and Alice run on to hurl themselves at Paige, and Ryan gets a big hug from Steph, who seems genuinely fond of him. The rest of the Top 20 - now the Top 18 - are soon on the stage, shrouding the evictees in hugs, sympathy and a bit of leftover sweat. There's no dance party, just a sense of sad solidarity, and we end on them all linking arms for a giant group hug. D'aww. See you next week.

So You Think You Can Eat The Scabs Off Kirsty's Feet?

2011-04-24T13:01:00.000+01:00

Top 20: 23rd April 2011

Welcome to "So You Think You Can Dance?". This recap has been written so that you can enjoy it later, at a time that suits you. Unfortunately Cat on the other hand, is trapped inside that leopard-print hoodie monstrosity from last week for all eternity.

Last Week : Kate Prince got her Archers on, Luke & Shane were upside-down vampires, lots of people ran around in white nighties with the same hair-do like the video for Wuthering Heights but shit, Matt tapped and everyone else in his group felt the cool breeze of a bus going over their foreheads, and Cabbage Alice, Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and Cheekbones Ryan all threw glitter at one-another and grinned, but in the end it was for naught, and the current Blue Peter presenter line-up remained intact.

All that however, is now irrelevant, as the COMPETITION STARTS HERE. Everyone's been paired up at random (*cough*) via the means of Cat's Hat, they'll perform once each, and one boy and one girl will GO HOME. Meaning they will no longer be in the running to win the grand prize of a holiday to Disneyland, whatever we can get from the judges handbags in a whipround, the title of Britain's Nicest Dancer, and the So You Think You Can Dance chequebook and pen. [And a cuddly toy! - Steve]

SOYA THICKENER CAN DANCE!

Once the credits are over, and the last bits of that hip-hop dancer who flies into the camera at the end have been scraped off the lens, it's time to meet our Top Twenty. Again. All of them. In case you'd forgotten, or you don't trust wikipedia (and who can blame you given that it currently lists Bethany-Rose's genre as being "ballet") they are :

Cabbage Alice : who has an unfortunate red dye-job and thinks she looks like Rihanna

Charlie Whee! : who this show is trying to make into Beiber 2.0 - the Poshening and who does Contortion Hip-Hop

Bethany-Rose Lee : Who didn't quite make Top 14 last year, and possibly won't this year either

Gian Luca Loda : Who is Italian and nothing more

Charlotte The Barmaid : Who I actually remember not hating at one point in my past history (imagine that could be a thing that was!)

Israel Donowa : Who murdered Gay Bruce lest we forget.

Danielle Cato : Who suddenly became Not-Fodder last week, like a moth emerging from a chrysalis BUT WITH SOME GLITTER ON ITS WINGS

AndrogyLee : If he doesn't do a solo to "Dude Looks Like A Lady" at some point I will be very disappointed

Katie Love : Follows Arlene around all day going "Are You My Mummy?" in a creepy child's voice

Lee-Boy : Welsh and likes rolling around on the floor, which is always a good combination from my perspective

Katrina Ballerina : *Pre-emptive fit of the giggles*

Angry Luke : Can get his leg up over his head, believes walking has a place in dancing, SO MANY FEELINGS

Fat Deaf Old Kirsty : Like Pineapple Dance Studios, BUT REAL

MATTFLINTMANIA : Winning, and not in a Charlie Sheen way

Generic Paige : Shy, like Lizzie, and the comparisons end there

Cheekbones Ryan : Can we please try to get him eliminated ON HIS BIRTHDAY?

Fierce Rithy : Just finalising the wording on the retraining order against Cat as she dances.

Australian Shane : *sigh*

Professional Stephanie : Sadly bereft of Zombie Slave Boys this week

Tom : The Other Tapper

And that's all we've got time for on So You Think You Can...oh ok, not really, but it does go on rather. I'm glad they were in alphabetical order so I could prepare myself for it ending and the re-entry into the programme proper. Once they're done doing bad flirting with each other across a cavernous space, Cat srruts out and shows them all how bad flirting is REALLY done, as they all skitter back to their holding pen as she wobbles her boobs at them and honks "OIM DOING A SHIMMAY!". I am a Midlander too. I feel her pain. It's not the best accent to try to hook up with. [Hey, it worked on me. - Steve]

She welcomes us all to the show and sadly informs us that tonight we're going to have to brace ourselves and find it in our hearts to cut two of the 428 dancers we're starting the competition with. I CAN'T CAT, THEY'RE ALL SO AMAZING! She cracks a joke that Doctor Who has it easy compared to the terror the contestants will face tonight (although much like Doctor Who, I'm going to forget everything that I've seen the second I take my eyes off it), PARTICULARLY THE JUDGES OH MY GOD THE TERROR.

Sisco Gomez : dressed like a cross between a sea-urchin and a lychee

Louise Redknapp : Looking like she's mistaken a waffle-iron for a sun-bed

Arlene Phillips : Wearing a chunky bike-chain round her neck and more bizarre tonight than I've ever seen her and that's saying something

Nigel Lythgoe : Reliably the same from show to show.

As they're introduced they get the standard array of whoops and whistles, and then Nigel wishes everyone a very happy Easter. I wish I could appreciate it, but my bum-hole is already puckering at all the horrific shoe-horned in Royal Wedding references we're going to get next week. I'm already envisioning a group number with Lee-Boy gingered up as a body-popping Prince Harry, Katie Love as Momma Middleton, and Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee as the happy couple. Which way round, only you can determine.

Nigel then spends a good minute and a half explaining to the audience that if you vote for someone, it makes them less likely to go home. THANKS NIGEL! Cat mops up the rest, by explaining that we're voting for couples this evening. The two couples with the fewest viewer-votes will be split up to dance four solos. The judges will then send home one boy and one girl, the survivors then fused together to make a new couple, which will advance onwards, still probably doomed.

First couple? Cheekbones Ryan and Professional Stephanie looking very Top Shop indeed. They will be dancing..."Commercial". Which I think is a new genre for this show. Let's see how they explain what this one is then... Stephanie starts their combined VT saying that last week was a wonderful feeling for her, because everyone loved the Contemporary Piece she was a thoroughly anonymous part of. Meanwhile we cut to Ryan saying that conversely he HATED last week, as we cut to a clip of him pointing to his bum and shaking it up and down. This was part of the dance incidentally, not Ryan's commentary on it. It was kind of mine. He says that this means he's got a lot to prove this week. Oops.

Hat pick now, and all the girls are still in costume from their Birds Of Vague Empowerment routine last week. The boys sadly are not still in costume from THEIR group-number. Bloody BBC. Stephanie stomps out awkwardly, and stands there waiting to hear who Cat has match-maked her with, as we cut to Ryan gazing wistfully at her like a community-theatre Mr Knightly, like we're supposed to think this is FATE. When his name is finally called, they both leap up and down screaming and he gushes about what an AMAZING partner he has. AMAZING. It's quite sweet, given how obviously doomed they are in hindsight.

Commercial is being choreographed by Paul Domaine, who did the Jazz Vampires routine last week, so it's blatantly what was deemed "Pop-Jazz" last year eg Dancing To Do Behind Pop Stars. Paul Domaine explains this himself in not so many words : it's a fusion between jazz dancing and street dancing apparently. Jazzing in the street. In rehearsal Ryan clearly struggles and whines that it's really haaaaaaaaard. He's having to relearn a whole new style of lifting, and forget all of his technique. And grammatic structure by the sounds of it. Cue lots of shots of him dumping Stephanie on her arse and her laughing about it. Backstage she laughs that she feels like she's partnered with a furry/fairy (?) elephant given all the grunting and noises he's making, as Ryan simpers slightly that's she actually really EASY to lift. Stephanie demands that he write this down, so she can get it laminated and STAPLE IT TO HIS FOREHEAD.

Ryan became one of Stephanie's subservient Male Slave Zombies so easily didn't he? I think it's best for him that got out here, otherwise he'd be stuck following her for the rest of her life, manning a wind-machine to help her make grand-entrances to glamorous clubs/Netto. YOU'RE NEXT GIAN LUCA.

We cut now to an empty studio before the performance, as Ryan and Stephanie hug one another in delight and grin dementedly about how the lighting for the routine is spectacular, and exciting, and outrageous, and contagious, and amazing, and it's fierce, and it's going to come out into the audience and make Stephanie and Ryan feel like popstars. Ryan semi-ironically quips that they'll be J-Lo and Justin. Stephanie guffaws, with her face fully clearly reading that she knows that they're H & Claire at best. Ryan closes by saying that he really wants to get it right, and doesn't want to go home tonight.

OOPS.

They're dancing to "On The Floor" by American Idol Judge Jennifer Lopez and...I really hate when shows go down this route with critique, so excuse my massive hypocrisy, but I can't help but feel that the biggest problem with the routine is that Ryan is serving up the least convincing portrayal of heterosexual desire I think I've seen outside of a Carry On film. The routine is clearly supposed to be carried mostly by the chemistry, and Ryan's face is reading entirely "yes mamma, shake it! Capital knockers! Loving your vagina! Can't wait to get me a slice of those labia!". There's one section in particular where he creeps up behind her, rips open her top and smooshes her boobies, which would get at least fifteen complaints by worried Christians to OFCOM if it was done by ANYBODY else, but such is the lack of heat that it passes on unremarkably. I think Ryan and Stephanie could have (awkward, abortive, him looking at Australian Shane in the wings the whole time) actual penetrative sex on the stage and the most they'd get is a raised eyebrow.

Anyway, yes, the lack of chemistry shows the choreography up as being quite flimsy, the lasers play, it's all a bit awkward.

They finish by throwing themselves flat out on the floor, if only to make me feel a bit bad because...they did try. Cat pulls them and calls them over, whittering about how she remembers "big fish, little fish, cardboard box" from "back in the day". Whenever Cat's day was. I think it was a Thursday. Cat asks Nigel to begin the critique. He begins with an "erm...". Well, quite.

He goes on to say that they were over-shadowed by the lighting, and in fact that was the best part of the routine. He says that Ryan clearly has no love or feel for the music, and whilst Nigel isn't really sure what Commercial is, he knows it wasn't that. Sisco explains to the old man nicely that it's "pop culture", so Ryan's clearly WELL out, unless by Pop culture you mean enthusing about Joss Whedon on internet messageboards. Stephanie then gets slagged for not dancing in heels, and also having a sloppy leg in her pirouette.

Arlene starts her crit by yelling "I WANT DYNAMITE WITH A LASERBEAM!" to no reaction whatsoever. Oh Arlene. [♥ - Steve] She tells Stephanie that she had a lot of attitude when strutting around, but when it came to the lifts her nerve deserted her. She advises her - "when your feet fail you: use your face". Arlene's First Law Of Pub-Fights there. She also slags Stephanie for not wearing heels, and also for not bedding down into the music, because "anyone can bed in with J-Lo". Looking at Marc Anthony, that is kind of the conclusion I'd reached as well. Louise follows by saying that she loved the atmosphere they created, but she thinks nobody's going to remember this routine in an hour's time. Mostly because they'll still be talking about the "chimney sweep's fart" effect employed by whoever was doing your make-up Louise.

Sisco closes by saying that he's a gonna keep it real, and it'll get him into trouble, but he thought Ryan & Stephanie did great given the shitty choreography they were given. Ryan whoops and yells "YEAH! SISCO!" meaning he's just put himself on Paul Domaine's shit-list. No sexy vampires for you Ryan. Sisco says that he wishes them luck, particularly Stephanie, cause she's amazing. Nigel starts blithering and shouting, clearly trying to keep his jazz-choreographer in the room and not storming out in a huff, but Cat ignores him to give out Ryan and Stephanie's number. Oh, we'll be hearing about this later.

Next couple are Matt Flint and Charlotte Scally, as the audience scream their lungs out for MATTFLINTMANIA! Cat says that she feels like there's a slight touch of confusion in the air. Did someone show Charlotte a globe and she started panicking that all the Australians are going to fall off? POOR SHANE! They will be performing something called a...foxtrot?

In their VT we're both reminded that last week both Matt and Charlotte BLEW THE JUDGES AWAY (well...Charlotte didn't, but that's how it's edited so erm...POWER COUPLE! FLINTSCALLYMANIA!) and now they're lucky enough to be paired together in form a super-team of judge-pleasing eleganza. Charlotte gushes about how happy she was to be paired with Matt (who wouldn't be, eh ladies?) but then we're shown them getting their dance choice. Which is foxtrot.

THE HORROR!

Cat : FOXTROT IS THE KISS OF DEATH!

Matt : Foxtrot? FOXTROT?! Sounds poofy to me. We dunt have foxtrot in t'North. Ah'm from Scarborough - we don't do ballroom, and we dunt have Google neithers so I can't be proved wrong in 5 seconds.

Scally : WHAT'S A FOXTROT? IS IT A MAKE OF CAR? HERP DERP BERP *walks into window*

I am clearly missing something about foxtrot, because it's the easiest dance on Strictly (it is, sorry, they give you 20 points for turning up), and it's never eliminated someone on this show. Why are they making such a big deal of it? It's so easy it's being taught to the couples by Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jaci from Strictly of old, who aren't even specialist ballroom teachers so far as I'm aware. Anyway, Shouty Salsa Chris marches in yelling his head off about how hard foxtrot is, and how Matt and Charlotte are really going to have to push to portray elegance, and the story of the routine is a girl who is just a figment of the guy's imagination, just like Mute Jaci.

Matt mumbles on that they don't have elegance in the North and Charlotte does an awful fake posh accent and this is giving me a headache, can we move on please?

Out on stage, and clearly she was right to worry/mug for days about her elegance, because she really isn't showing an awful lot in the routine (to "The Way You Look Tonight"). It might be the candy-floss pink dress, or the fact that her hair has been done by the same person who has apparently done all the girls hair tonight, but she seems a bit juvenile and her movements are a bit clumsy. He's really good when he's on his own (there's a nice shoe-shuffling solo at the beginning that has very little to do with the foxtrot, but which is nice anyway), but he does get pulled into her leadenness when they're together, and the stuff in hold is a bit clumpy. S'alright I guess, but I don't think this sort of stuff is her ballpark, and it pulled him down a bit. They close with a lift that starts well, but dissolves into her clumping off him with her dress all over his face, then she disappears off into the ether.

Cat calls them over, with Charlotte still giggling and snorfling about how she loves her dress and she doesn't even know what a foxtrot IS, IS THAT BAD? Yes Charlotte. Yes it is. Arlene starts for the judges, saying that Matt just made foxtrot the hottest dance in Scarborough. Matt...it looks like he waggles his crotch in response. I guess he knows how to work Arlene. She carries on that technically it was crap, but they made up for it by making the dance "movie star possible". Indeed. Louise next, and Cat informs her that her face was like *this* throughout (*this* being "a seven year old's beatific devotion to Donny Osmond"). I feel we should circumvent Louise actually speaking for all her critique in future, and just have Cat interpret her faces like Marlee Matlin's signer.

Louise's actual critique? Foxtrot is REALLY HARD but they made it look great. Also Matt is like, really pretty and thing. MATTFLINTMANIA! Sisco follows by saying that he loves Matt's lines and extensions, and that he never knew that Scally could be so elegant. Who knew that chalk and cheese went together so well? I do! Try them in a sandwich Sisco. In large quantities. You'll be BLOWN AWAY. Maybe even add some potato! And grit! Nigel closes by saying that foxtrot is a piece of piss and that QUICKSTEP is the true kiss of death. Oh and foxtrot and tap are really close together, and Fred Astaire did both, so this should have been no trouble for Matt. Nigel is OFF-PISTE tonight I tell you. Oh and he's no going to call Charlotte "Ginger Scally". I don't know Nigel - even in that video where she got molested by a silver midget alien spaceman, Geri was never quite THIS annoying. He closes by saying that he thought there were good technical parts - the rise and fall, the chassis, but this only prompts Arlene to start pointing out that the hold was god-awful, so we move swiftly on.

Next couple are Lee-Boy and Katie Love, Lee-Boy looking as awkward as humanly possible, which is about average for someone stood next to Katie Love, who is currently impersonating a cheery manga. They will be dancing Lyrical Hip-hop, which can only mean one thing...

Yes it's my own personal nemesis, Kate Prince. Yay. But first, Lee-Boy says that his favourite part of last week's show was performing topless, which combined with the accent give me happy Gavin Henson flashbacks. Katie Love says, much like a cannibal's first taste of human flesh, she never knew she'd love performing on live tv as much as she did. I can see this being...a pairing. Lee says he's very happy with his partnership this week, and also with the fact that, one week after Nigel said that we'd possibly never see any of the hip-hoppers ever hip-hopping again...one of them is hip-hopping.

My Nemesis Kate Prince explains to us that this routine is about two flatmates who have always harboured secret sex-feelings for one another, and one day over breakfast, their feelings COME ALIVE. Has anyone ever revealed their secret long-held feelings for one another over cornflakes? I have never had secret sex-feelings for a flatmate, but surely it's more of a "taking the piss out of Judge Judy" sort of route to reveal? Now THERE would be a routine. Arlene could be Judge Judy. Sisco could be the perp. Lee-Boy and Katie Love could make out for the first time as Judge Judy yells "WRONG! YOUR CASE IS DISMISSED! GOODBYE!"

The two of them struggle a bit with their characters, so Kate Prince asks them what they think their motivations are. Lee-Boy says he's chasing after Katie Love. Katie Love says that she thinks she's teasing Lee-Boy (SURPRISE!). She illustrates this by wiggling her bum at him and yelling "COME ON! LOOK AT THAT!". I could grow to not mind Katie Love. Kate Prince chews Lee-Boy out mildly for not expressing enough emotion (again, Henson flashbacks), and Lee interviews that it's very difficult for him to portray love when he doesn't feel it as a true emotion towards Katie Love? How could you NOT be feeling love for Katie Love? It's her NAME and her entire existence and everything. She's lying back and imagining Arlene Lee-Boy, clue yourself in and do likewise. (Incidentally, there is a packet of Kelloggs cornflakes in this rehearsal room, (OH YES, THERE ARE PROPS!) and the BBCs blurring out of it is hysterically bad.)

In order to improve their chemistry, Lee-Boy makes Katie Love breakfast in bed and does goo-goo eyes at her ineptly. And by "makes", I mean he pours orange juice into a glass, bran flakes into a bowl, and yoinks a fruit-bowl off a hotel lobby reception desk. He brings her the breakfast, and they both pretend to not hate one another as "Love Is In The Air" plays on the sound-track, reminding me we haven't had any hilariously appropriate "Love" related song-choices for Katie Love yet. Maybe "(Katie) Love In An Elevator"? "(Katie) Love Hangover"? "(Katie) Love Will Tear Us Apart, And Then Feast On Our Flesh"?

Out to the stage now, and as usual for a Kate Prince routine, if you squint, you can just about see the dancers around the props. There's a fridge, a table, two stools, four bowls, and a packet of cornflakes. All of these are used in various ridiculous ways throughout. The routine is to "Starry Eyed" by Ellie Goulding, which is actually a decent choice, and gives the storyline of the routine more shape than the choreography does. [As much as I liked the music for this, when they walked out in pyjamas rubbing their eyes, I was kind of hoping for 'Tik Tok' by Ke$ha. - Steve] For a start, they start under the table which makes me think they've shagged already. Although maybe that's how the kids do things these days. Anyway, Katie Love and Lee-Boy munch on their cornflakes, then get a pure LSD hit from the drugs their other flatmate hid in there, and then they starts running round the kitchen trashing the place and shagging up against the fridge, possibly, I don't know. If I had flatmates who revealed their secret sex-feelings all over their cornflakes I'd probably be grateful if they cleaned up after themselves.

In terms of the performance, she's out-performing him, but I think he might have her technically, at least on the hip-hop elements. They're both pretty good though, even if she does possibly shatter her coccyx failing to hop herself up on one of the dumb props, I forget which one, at the end. Oh and when they kiss it's the most obvious case of stage "my lips are TIGHT together and smashing into your philtrum" from him I've seen in a while. Pretty good, would be better without all the bits I attribute to Kate Prince.

Cat calls them over, and asks Katie Love if that's how she wakes up every morning (/calls Katie Love a massive slag). Katie Love agrees. Sisco starts for the judges by saying that Katie Love was a star out there on the stage, and she was in character from the first second of the routine. Lee on the other hand, needs to "pull up", because he just got schooled in his own genre by a contemporary dancer. I would have thought, looking at their collective pants, pulling up was anathema to hip-hoppers (/Old Man). Katie Love looks vaguely outraged on Lee-Boy's behalf. Lee-Boy on the other just promises to do better.

Arlene follows by screaming that she "LOVES A GOOD KITCHEN-SINK DRAMA" (I don't think there was actually a kitchen sink in there, but I wouldn't put it past My Nemesis Kate Prince) but Lee really needed to do better, because he was out of time and didn't isolate his chest. Katie Love is going cross-genre, so he needs to do the same. Nigel says that he agrees, but Lee isn't really a dancer, he's more of a breaker, and just does tricks without music, so he's pretty much always going to be outside of his genre. Erm...it'll come with time though...erm...probably...KATIE LOVE IS A STAR.

Louise finishes by saying she likes both, as quickly as possible, so she can put out the small blaze that has just ignited in the back of her hair, like a bush-fire. Already she can smell bacon. As their numbers are read out, Katie Love tilts her head onto Lee-Boy's shoulder in support. He completely ignores her.

Next couple? Fierce Rithy and Australian Shane! Huzzah! I feel a spark of actual legitimate excitement! Hooray! They will be dancing Broadway, which of course means Giant Lady. Huzzah again!

In their VT we're given a brief reminder that last week was a Good Week for Rithy, as she managed to look sexy in hip-hop (cue Rithy saying she doesn't know what Louise was on about, cause she was dressed as a granny), and a Bad Week for Shane, as the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason (cue Shane saying that the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason), before their glorious union is revealed. Rithy notably looks a bit awkward, which she reveals is because of the Ian Waite meets Jeanette Krankie height difference, but Shane looks pleased enough. They're told they have Broadway, and Rithy looks doubly put out, but, you know, she doesn't start squawking "WHAT'S BROADWAY?! WE DON'T HAVE THAT IN BRAZIL? IS IT GIN?!" like she so easily could have.

Giant Lady explains that this routine is going to be based around Mr & Mrs Smith, which is one of my favourite films that I have never seen. Both Rithy and Shane are going to be sexy spies, on the same mission, and then they're going to beat the crap out of one another. SHANE-RITHY MEGAPAIRING! GIANT LADY! ASSAULT! What could go wrong?

There then follows a scene where Shane extra-double makes sure with Giant Lady that he knows what his character is supposed to be, so the judges can't pull any of that "we feel you weren't sufficiently vampirey" nonsense they did last week, but mostly I'm distracted by his lower portions (not for the first time). He's wearing really weird bottoms where one leg is a trouser leg and one leg is a short leg. This lead to me hoping that part of the routine features them literally tearing bits of clothing off one another but no...that's just fashion these days. I think at some point Giant Lady tells him to channel Daniel Craig as Bond which...yeah, REALLY expressive there.

Fierce Rithy's all "my storyline is my awesomeness, fit that into a VT!" and then she and Shane have a play-fight up against a wall. Erotic.

To the stage now, and they're dancing their Broadways to "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" - the Nicole Kidman remix, as their super secret sexy spy mission is to steal a diamond. It's actually a really cute routine - more silly and cutesy-sexy than the violence promised. I mean, they throw one another round a bit, but it's not really actually violent. Also they both look a million dollars, with Shane working a Milk Tray Man ensemble like the tall cool drink of water that he is, and Rithy filling every corner of her cat-suit. It's a lot of Get Smart-ish 50s antics, tumbling, and wacky sexy spy faces. More Boris & Natasha than Mr & Mrs Smith, but it's good clean fun, and they look great doing it. At one point Rithy seems to have a bit of trouble with her flaps (ON THE BAG SHE HAS TO PUT THE DIAMOND IN, YOU FREAKS) but other than that? Seamless.

Cat calls over the Brazillian and the Australian and tries to get a laugh out of the fact that their names form "Shane Ritchie". They both look a bit bemused. Nigel starts for the judges, gushing at both, saying it was the best routine of the night so far, Rithy showed what hip-hoppers could do, and Shane was so strong out there. Nigel is proud that his nonsense critique of last week had some positive effect. I'm so sure that's what it was Nigel. Arlene follows, telling Shane that he was bang-on 50s Broadway and the whole "lazy Bondi Beach surfer thing" that Arlene apparently saw through the prism of her stereotyping is now GONE. Oh and Rithy is Little Miss Broadway and who knew?

Louise follows, taking a break from fighting off Geri Halliwell who's come to get her hair from the Mi Chico Latino video back, to tell Shane that he's really getting there, and Rithy is just getting hotter and hotter. Given that she's basically wearing plastic Louise, I would imagine she is yes. Sisco closes by saying that Rithy is a great representative of New School dancers, like what Sisco is (DO IT LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM SUGA SUGA) and also Shane proved the judges wrong after their mean comments from last week, which he disassociates himself from entirely (*raspberry*)

Next up Charlie Whee! and Cabbage Alice, who are apparently going to be learning a whole new language. I hope it's Urdu.

We're reminded of last week when Charlie Whee! flew through the air, as the show continues its bizarre attempt to make him Justin Bieber, by playing that "Baby Ooh Noo" song over the top. I really don't think it's going to happen show, but you keep on trying anyway. We're reminded Arlene called him out for his lack of tricks, and Charlie assures us that he many more, which will be shoe-horned into every routine possible. Oh and also Alice existed.

It is revealed that they were the last couple to be paired up, which means that Alice is even more of an after-thought than I thought possible. To make the whole Bieber thing worse, he insists that not only does he look like Justin Bieber (he doesn't), she DEFINITELY looks like Rihanna (she doesn't). She chooses to reiterate this comparison in the corridor. WHY? They're told they have Contemporary, and both seem more or less fine with it.

My hopes are picked up a little by the fact that Mandy Moore is the choreographer. I guess her flight back to America got delayed and she thought she might as well stick around. She explains that the routine that Charlie and Alice will be performing is a celebration of young love. But not the Gary Glitter kind. Charlie says that he's done some contemporary before, but it's not really his thing. His genre is "contortion breakdancing". Yeah, I don't think that's coming out of Cat's Random Hat any time soon. I think some of the dancer who actually have spines might struggle with it.

Anyway, it turns out that Mandy Moore uses lots of words that Charlie doesn't understand, like "chassis", "saute" and "sesquipedalian". Charlie expresses this to Mandy Moore, and Mandy Moore finds this adorable and charming. After much learning and sharing and growing and Mandy Moore doing a weird Saturday Morning Kids Cartoon voice, Charlie Whee! learns that to saute means to jump. As ever, Alice is also present. [Interesting that an entire VT is devoted to Charlie not knowing what saute means, but Charlotte never having heard the word "foxtrot" was brushed under the carpet. - Steve]

Out to the stage, and what song has Mandy Moore chosen to represent the spirit of young love? That's right, it's Amazed by Lonestar, a song so middle-aged that the list of notable covers on wikipedia runs "Bonnie Tyler, Duncan from Blue, Boyz II Men, Ben Mills and a German X Factor runner-up". The video-wall is showing a sunset on the beach, they're both dressed up like they're in an M&S advert, and the whole thing is so bloody Nicholas Sparks I'm afraid she's about to die any second from lurgy/virginity/being hit by a bicycle. They jump around a lot - she looks like she knows what she's doing and is a bit scary about it, and he really doesn't but pulls woobie-face a lot, which is really a better representation of teen love than the routine danced well would probably be. S'alright. When they finish, Mandy Moore looks 50% proud 50% disappointed from the sidelines.

Cat pulls them over by calling it the Justin Bieber/Rihanna (Evil Bisexual Steven Beale/Kara Louise from Big Brother 8) duet the nation has been waiting for. I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of a real Justin Bieber + Rihanna duet, just because she would actually eat him. Arlene starts for the judges by acknowledging that Alice exists, but she finds it really hard to critique Charlie, because he has enough emotions for all ten male dancers (really? Even Angry Luke?) but his technique is poor. But he speaks the language of dance. But he needs to own it with his body. But that was beautiful.

Sisco says that he agrees with Arlene (which bit?). Alice exists, but Charlie needs to use the hydraulics of his feet some more. Charlie uses his word that he learnt this week in response, and Sisco replies that he needs to be a better support system for that girl whatsername there, but it was beautiful anyway. Arlene then breaks back in to thank Mandy Moore for really pushing the dancers to do things they've never done before, and by "dancers" she of course means "Charlie".

Nigel follows up by saying that Charlie's saute sucks...............BUT HIS SPIRIT DOESN'T. Can the BBC not flash up a brief "barf warning" for sentences like that, like they do with spiders in the Metro? Nigel hopes that Charlie is long around to learn to be good at dancing, and also Alice exists, and was quite good. Louise doesn't speak, as she's applying a jet-hose to her face to try to get the worst of it off. Meanwhile, Cat notices that Charlie flicks his hair a lot, so decides to bully him for it mercilessly, cackling as he sprints away. Bless Cat.

Next up are Generic Paige and Gian Luca, dancing Jazz. As they're introduced he properly mugs to camera in character a lot, and she gazes off into the middle-distance. Sounds about right.

VT reminds us that last week Paige was "our shy one" (/unable to string a sentence together) and Gian Luca got praise for his contemporary work. Oh and Nigel also compared him to Michael Corleone from the Godfather, which was a bit because he kind of resembles a young Al Pacino, a bit, if you've had whatever happened to Louise's eyes this week happen to yours as well, but mostly because he's Italian.

As such, we now get a montage of Gian Luca "doing his Godfather look", Paige being scared of Gian Luca doing his Godfather look, Gian Luca talking about how he's been scaring Paige with his Godfather look. Who needs a personality when you've got a nationality? Mandy Moore pops up to let us know that this was her fault and we can direct all complaints to her, and I possibly will. She tells us that the theme of the routine is that Paige thinks that Gian Luca has cheated on her, and boy is she pissed! Paige lows that this week she is playing a crazy jealous Italian lady, as we watch her slap Gian Luca around like she's a Boots advert, whipping him in the face with a towel and smacking him round the face hard. HERE COMES THE GIRLS! Gian Luca closes by saying that Paige has to keep the feistiness up in the routine, because they don't want to go home.

OOPS.

Out on stage they're dancing to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green, as Cat informs us very quickly that Gian Luca will be playing an Italian gangster (in every routine from here on out, because he is ITALIAN). He starts by jumping around heavily on the stage doing flirty eyes whilst she...stands on a balcony throwing shoes about and ripping clothes, screaming and thrashing about like Ursula The Sea Witch when she gets harpooned to death. Eventually she gets to the floor and they do some pretty decent tumbling and drama faces before she...falls on her arse and never really recovers, and they both improv into and around one another, with absolutely no connection whatsoever. This goes on for quite a while. They just about recover to get her up the balcony again at the end. It's as bad a performance as I can remember on this show. Even the UK version. In the audience Mandy Moore's face reads "great. I had Charlie Whee! slopping around and now this. Burn the tapes. And Paige."

Cat pulls Paige & GianLuca over by telling Paige that she still looks really angry. Can't think why. The Human Remains of Louise Redknapp begin the judging, saying that she really liked that they saw a different side of Paige tonight, but the routine's power fizzled out towards the end. Still, at points it was the best that she's seen Paige dance in this competition. Jesus, how bad is she normally? Sisco follows up by saying that he loved Paige's character but she's far too clumsy. Someone in the audience actually shouts "HATER! BOOOOOO!" and Sisco gives this the drama-face in response that it deserves. It was good, but she needs to work on not falling over quite so much. This isn't "So You Think You Can Fall Down?".

Arlene next, saying that she loved Paige's character, and if her man didn't return home for the night, she'd be doing what Paige did (toppling around as though drunk and falling on your arse? Yes, probably). But she needs to work on her posture. Nigel finishes by getting to the point that someone else should have perhaps mentioned by now - her falling on her bum. Paige admits that she did, but Nigel praises her for carrying on regardless. And they performed well up until that point. Gian Luca's role/existence in this routine (/show beyond being a big Italian stereotype) gets mentioned for the first time, as Nigel sympathises with him for having to deal with Paige after the slip when she clearly didn't know what she was doing. Gian Luca grabs the mic from Cat and gives the standard "the show must go on" speech, but we're in a post-Strictly world now where you have to pretend every mistake is your fault, even when it clearly isn't, so I'm sure he lost points with the audience for not going "PAIGE SLOPPING AROUND LIKE BRUNO TONIOLI ON ICE IS CLEARLY SOMEHOW MY RESPONSIBILITY".

Next up, it's Luke and Danielle, performing Samba *LATIN CURSE ALARM*

The VT kicks off by reminding us that last week was a Good Week for Luke and Danielle both, with the former getting mad props for her Jazz Vampire routine in comparison with dull ol' Shane, and the latter being officially upgraded from "Fodder" to "Dark Horse". How grand for her. We're shown that Cat's Hat Of Random paired them up second-to-last, and I would imagine they were quite relieved to find one another together, given the alternatives of technique-free Charlie Whee and...that other girl. This will change. Luke interviews that he is indeed glad that they're together, because they're both Judges Favourites, but it also means a lot of pressure on them to live up to that billing. I would imagine the audience's impression of you is still mostly choreographing a walk then throwing a strop Angry Luke, so don't worry too much.

Choreographing the samba are, of course, Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jackie. He bellows like Brian Blessed in a wind-tunnel that Luke and Danielle are both really good technically, but they're struggling to really capture the emotion of the dance and express it to one another (/hate each other). Luke snorts derisively that it's difficult to get that instant chemistry going because they don't know one another, but she's a very pretty girl, so he guesses it should be easy. I've got a feeling that Angry Luke's Angry Feelings have found another target, because they really don't seem to be getting on at all, one little bit.

Shouty Salsa Chris yells some more, whilst Danielle says that she's just a quiet timid, shy girl, so this whole raunchy thing isn't really her thing. Shouty Salsa Chris tries to bring her out of herself by molesting Mute Jaci and ramming his tongue down her facial holes. This doesn't really work, although Mute Jaci seems quite pleased, in a bemused sort of way. We close with Danielle saying that if they want their samba to work they really need their chemistry to work out, prompting Angry to deliver a very scripted Butlins "what(campers)? Like this?" before nibbling at her ear like disinterested bunny.

CONFIDENT IN THEIR SEXUALITY! [Just like Mariska Hargitay! - Steve]

They're dancing to "Livin La Vida Loca" whilst the sun goes down on the video-wall, but I would imagine this is a sunset of Mature Adult Sexuality , rather than one of The Beauty Of Young Love To A Hickety-Yick MOR Soundtrack". Except it's "Livin La Vida Loca", so there's nothing very mature about it at all. He's throwing himself into it, all arms and legs and "HA!" faces, and she's doing her best to keep up, but for once the VT wasn't misleading. There's pretty much no discernible chemistry here at all. They're barely making eye-contact and they're a bit flaily around one-another, particularly in the lifts. It ends with him dumping her and walking off towards Sisco. Can't say as I didn't see it coming.

Cat pulls them over, saying that she thought she saw a bit of Fonzie towards the end there. Given the skirt that Danielle's sort of wearing, I think I might have as well. Nigel starts for the judges by telling Danielle that if Dr Frankenstein had the opportunity to build the perfect human body, he'd take all the parts from Danielle. Nigel then proposes to Danielle, they get married, it doesn't work out, she puts him through the wringer in divorce court, and she opens her own dance studio with the alimony. This happens in five seconds flat, whilst Angry Luke pulls "what a fucking perv" faces at the side. Oh erm, anyway, there was no sex or spice, but call me Danielle?

Louise follows, picking clumps of her skin off the desk and applying them back to her skull like plasticine as she talks, as she responds to a question from Cat asking if Louise thinks that Angry Luke and Danielle will ever not hate one another. Louise says "no". And she KNOWS. As do the Bennett Sisters. Sisco follows, saying that he agrees that there was no Latin flavour to the dance. It bounced, but it did not marinate. DAMNING HURTFUL words from Sisco there. Cat reads out their numbers. They continue hating one another.

Next up? Katrina Ballerina and The Other Tapper, which is such a fodder pairing that I'm glad they came out and then this happened. They will be dancing hip-hop. She is dressed as a geisha, he is dressed as Indiana Jones' secret boyfriend.

In VT Tom says that his favourite part of last week was when he got to briefly breathe the same air as MATTFLINTMANIA! Katrina Ballerina's favourite part of last week, or indeed her least favourite part of last week, or her opinions on anything beyond blinking her little Sarah Teather face is neglected entirely. Such a fodder pair, I swear. It's like watching two "comedy sidekick to the romantic lad" characters get it together in a rom-com - so heart-warming. We're shown them getting paired up, they seem satisfied with that. They're told that they have hip-hop, they seem fine with that, and don't say, start claiming that hip-hop doesn't exist in Hampshire or anything like that.

They're being choreographed by Simeon Qsyea aka the Hip Hop choreographer from last series who I actually didn't dislike. He tells us that the routine will be on a Pinocchio theme, with Tom as an archaeologist cum window-dresser (QUICK! SHOW HIM PLAYING POOL AGAIN JUST IN CASE WE THINK HE'S GAY!) and Katrina Ballerina as a model that he brings to life with a kiss. So not so much "Pinocchio" as "Mannequin" then. I don't remember Gepetto bringing Pinocchio to life by means of frenching him. Thankfully.

Simeon says that Tom is picking up the moves well (*cue clip of Tom dropping Katrina Ballerina on her back*), but Katrina is suffering a bit of a culture clash moving from ballet to hip-hop. One day we will actually SEE Katrina doing ballet, although hopefully it won't be for a while given that it's almost certainly only going to come as part of a solo-off. Anyway, Katrina starts to wig out and stressing over the newness of the discipline, and Tom very sweetly takes her aside and tells her that she doesn't need to push herself as hard as she does. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL BRIDGET JONES, JUST AS YOU ARE. etc etc. Simeon's advice is to tell them both to go out and do some hip-hop karaoke. Katrina giggles, with Tom's arm around her, that she just knows she's going to hate it.

Jump-cut to Katrina and Tom bellowing along to "Golddigger" by Kanye West, both as cute as buttons, and then talking about their "swagger" I may become a gross awful shipper over these two, I warn you now. [I understand, but I reserve the right to point and laugh as soon as you start writing slushy fanfic. - Steve]

Out to the stage now, where Katrina's still in that ridiculous problematic costume, as the band strikes up with that awful Black Eyed Peas song. No, not that one. The other one. Not the OTHER other one. The REALLY bad one. Tom fusses over his model, pecks her on the cheek, wanders off, and then Katrina SPRINGS TO LIFE and starts throwing shapes all over the place, hurling energy about like nobody's business. It's just so nice to see someone throw themselves into the routine with such abandon after mostly awkward efforts at working across styles so far. She's not GREAT (a lot of her moves seem unfinished, she fair slops around the floor in a grounded section), but there's something so infectious about her performance, as evidenced by the ROAR the routine gets at the end that really kind of makes it an unfodderising moment, probably admittedly for all of about two weeks. [Exactly. This is why Nigel had a point about a good dancer being able to make something of a poor routine - not that this was a bad routine at all, but at least 50% of the reason it was amazing was because of the performance. - Steve] Tom is also there, looks hot. At the end he kisses her again, causing her to turn back into a mannequin. *sniff*. So sad. So star cross'd.

Cat calls them over to the judges, citing the name of Scarlett O Hara to reference Katrina. As if there weren't enough awkward cultural mish-mashes in that whole routine that she can't bring the Civil War American South into it. Sisco starts for the judges, leaping to his head screaming "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAP BRAAAAAP". Tom laughs his head off and Katrina looks at him, uncertain as to whether this is a good or bad thing. Oh Katrina, it's Sisco, it's ALWAYS a bad thing on some level. Sisco apologises for "going hood", and continues to speak ghetto-drag-queen in praise of Katrina until Cat forces him to unambiguate himself and say that she was good, just to deconfuse her. Of course Sisco then ruins this by telling Tom that he needs to "pull up", just as Lee-Boy does. Boo! LEAVE MY SHIP ALONE!

Louise follows, wondering why she can suddenly only see out of one eye, saying that she loves Katrina's willingness to throw herself into a new genre, but Tom really needs to improve, because this is two weeks she's felt he paled in comparison to his partner now. Cat says that Louise is tough. Judging from how she looks, she certainly looks like she's been cooking long enough to be. Arlene follows on, saying that Katrina is what this competition is all about (all of a sudden) but Tom's Tutting was out of time. My tutting at the judges being mean to POOR TOM though, is entirely in time.

Nigel finishes by saying that he thinks Simeon did a great job by the two of them, because the routine was certainly memorable enough to get votes at the end of the programme, as opposed to, say, Ryan & Stephanie having a gay old time in Laser Quest. Tom and Katrina Ballerina continue to be adorable, and then run off.

Next pairing is Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee, which I'm feeling is the genesis for a "Raggy Dolls - The Next Generation" series in waiting. Cat informs us that their week was full of foot phobias and flesh-eating fish. And possibly also dancing.

VT shows Lee saying that last week was great, because the crowd was insane (I was there - it wasn't) and Kirsty says that she loved every moment she was up there on stage (I was there - she did). They're then paired up, and they have a great laugh about their complete and utter incompatibility, what with Lee's Androgynous Emo Stylings, and Kirsty's Bubbly Blonde Awkward Enthusiasm. Lee grins, somewhat ironically, that maybe Kirsty can teach him how to smile. SHE ALREADY DID LEE, SHE ALREADY DID. (/Nigel's Barfomatic Quote Generator).

Cat then informs us that Lee and Kirsty picked Contemporary out of Cat's Hat, and will be working with Sarah Boulter, who did the Boys Routine last week, and who therefore AndrogyLee presumably has a deep and abiding fear of. Sarah tells them that their routine this week will be about a man who loves a woman, but feels he is unworthy of her love in return. Deep. Power up the Barfomatic Nigel. Anyway AndrogyLee interviews that both he and Kirsty were uncomfortable at the start of training, because they're both jazz dancers and this isn't their style. But wait! Kirsty's not just uncomfortable because of that! She...has some sort of foot phobia! And she'll be dancing in bare feet! So that's why!

I have to admit as "I might not able to perform to my full potential this week" reality-tv excuses go "I am afraid of my own feet" is at least a new one. [I'm with Kirsty on this one; feet are disgusting. When I watched Black Swan, I was fine with all the jump-cuts, but the close-ups of feet freaked me the fuck out. - Steve]

To remedy this phobia, AndrogyLee, dressed in the T4 off-ramp collection takes Kirsty to get her feet chewed at by carnivorous fish. No, me either. Kirsty screams her head off, we see lots of tiny little fish nibbling at her...let's say be kind and say "dancers feet" and it all feels a bit pointless, but they seem to be bonding, so that's nice.

On stage now, and Kirsty in a GIANT DRESS, which is hiding some sort of podium, as AndrogyLee sits watching her from behind on the floor in spotlight. Then "Turning Tables" by Adele starts up and they start dancing and...it's actually legitimately really very good. They're both acting the hell out of it, and their movements are very quick and aggressive when they need to be, but also soft and delicate when the choreography calls for it. He gives good anguished, which is no surprise, and she gives good imperious, which kind of...is. There are hidden depth to Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty, and I'm glad we're seeing them, although it'd be nice if we could peel her off Contemporary some time soon. High drama, high glamour, well staged. Very good job, and the best of the night.

Cat calls them over by talking about the fish, and asking what they did to Kirsty and AndrogyLee's feet. AndrogyLee says very matter-of-factly that they bit the scabs off. Everyone recoils in horror and disgust, and Kirsty lets rip a massive belly-laugh. Nigel starts for the judges, saying it was intense and wonderful and beautifully danced, but then implies that they got lucky by getting good choreography and landing near their home-genres. Which...that's the structure of the show Nigel, well done.

Arlene follows up, saying that Kirsty and AndrogyLee are probably two of the most enigmatic dancers in the competition. Really? Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty? Enigmatic? OK... She then says that she disagrees with Nigel, and that Kirsty wasn't at all in her genre (FINALLY! THANK YOU!) and she danced beautifully. She does think that both of them need to work on their feet, and use wooden rollers to gain an in-step. I have a massive in-step Arlene, how do I get rid of it? HELP ME FOOT-DOCTOR HELP ME!

Louise, still rapidly disintegrating, follows up by saying that she really liked that routine, because it showed a different side of Kirsty. Normally she's an unbearable ham, but tonight she really gave a very intimate performance. Oh and Lee was as "intriguing" (/femmy) as usual. Sisco closes by calling it an emotional trip, and the best routine of the week, with them the best dancers of the week. I hate agreeing with Sisco quite as often as I have done this week. Feels WRONG.

Last up then, are Israel and Bethany-Rose Lee. Cat introduces them by saying that this week she doesn't know if Israel & Bethany-Rose were practising their dancing or auditioning for Casualty. Can't say as I'd blame them if it were the latter. Can't hurt to get a head-start.

In their VT, both Israel and Bethany-Rose remind us that last week was a Good Week for them. Well really, it was more of a "Upper End Of Average Week", but they'll take what they can get. They too seem perfectly fine with being paired together (BOO! MORE HATE-FILLED MISMATCHES PLEASE!), although when they're told they've got Disco, Israel's eyebrow does a .9 of a Roger Moore. Maybe he doesn't know that Disco means the return of...

GIANT LADY. Huzzah. She says that disco is a fusion of many different cultures (most of them gay and/or black) and also involves many, many dangerous lifts. Huzzah again! Let's close the show on a crippling injury! I know you can do it guys! This of course means a montage of Israel dropping Bethany-Rose on her face and poking her in the eye, and worrying about it to camera. Bethany-Rose's opinion on Israel's repeated attempts to destroy her are not recorded, except to say that she's more tender than the feelings that Charlie Whee! gives Nigel in his Barfomatic place.

Somewhere backstage Bethany-Rose has a word though, as Irsael is carted off to the gym, where he pumps iron whilst she watches, nomming at a pink cupcake, gleefully calling him "Izzy" and try to push him on to develop some muscles somewhere. We close with him attempting to bench-press her, and her collapsing down onto his face and upper-chest laughing awkwardly. Hopefully this is part of the routine.

We join things in medias twirl, as Israel and Bethany-Rose are beginning their disco routine (to the Beyonce bit of "One Night Only" from the hit movie "Beyoncegirls", starring Beyonce), in the middle of a rotating lift. This is probably fortunate for him, as he demonstrates for a lot of the rest of the routine that getting into and out of lifts isn't really his thing. So it's a bit of a pisser that he's got Disco then. He is at least smiling throughout, often slightly manically, but it's still smiling. Bethany-Rose is alright, albeit a bit anonymous and not really selling it very hard. Up-tempo, enjoyable, a bit sloppy, but it'll do. I can't help thinking they were really helped by performance position in terms of this "BUT DO YOU REMEMBER IT AT THE END OF THE EVENING?!" thing they're pushing tonight.

Cat calls them over and says that they were very shaky in rehearsal, but that went much better. Israel looks unconvinced, although I'm not sure as to whether it regards the first or the second half of that sentence. Arlene starts by bellowing "I LOVE A GOOD HUSTLE!"(who doesn't?) but she then follows by saying that Israel was too afraid of Bethany-Rose in the lifts, and Bethany-Rose's feet weren't quite sharp enough. Louise, hanging onto existence by her very last thread, says that Israel made her feel nervous throughout the performance, and she didn't like it. She gets that he's a hip-hop dancer, and so not used to working in a pair, but he didn't look comfortable handling Bethany-Rose up there.

Sisco follows by saying that Israel may not be the most stable partner, but he really loved that he tried his level best with GIANT LADY'S DEADLY LIFTS. Giant Lady smiles gleefully at the idea of her own DEADLY LIFTS in the audience. Nigel finishes by saying that he remembers seeing Arlene's movie (*look of panic sweeps over Arlene's face*) "Can't Stop The Music" (*look of relief passes over Arlene's face*). That's pretty much it for that point. Then he praises Israel for his energy and exuberance and we fall into an awkward bit about how Israel's probably never lifted a girl into the air and spun her around before EH, EH? Israel looks terrified and garbles out a non-sentence before Nigel quits being gross and moves onto Bethany-Rose. Who was also exuberant. Oh and he also hates those flat-shoes that she's wearing. Sisco tells him derisively to blame wardrobe and styling (OH THE IRONY) and we are done for the dancing portion of this evening.

Still time for some more Judging Madness though. Cat asks Nigel what he thought of the overall standard this evening. He says that he felt there was a real theme of one partner in a routine letting the other one down. I'm guessing he means... Ryan, Lee, Charlie, Paige, Tom and maybe Israel? Wow, that's a lot of boys. He really should mean Scally as well, but he probably doesn't. He does know that many of them were working outside their jahhhhhhhhhhhnres, but he thinks there are quite a few who are at danger of leaving this evening.

Arlene is asked if anything surprised her tonight, as if anything could any more, and she replies that Katrina Ballerina Goes Hip-Hop did, because she never thought she'd see her doing anything other than looking blandly elegant. Personally I never thought I'd see her do ANYTHING, so it's even more of a surprise to me. Louise's Corpse is asked who she thinks stood out as being good this evening. She says Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty & AndrogyLee, obviously, because they really threw themselves into it. Sisco is next, and picks out Tom (*snort*) and Paige (*duh*) as the most likely to be leaving this evening. WHAT IS THIS HATE-BONER FROM THE JUDGES TOWARDS POOR TOM?! (*power votes*)

Nigel is then asked by Cat how the voting works, and he says that people will vote on who they remember, based on the VTs and their back-stories, and also a bit the dancing. He then gets all weird, yelling "POP QUIZ CAT, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST DANCE YOU SAW THIS EVENING?!" like if she gets it wrong he's going to have her mother killed or something. Cat replies that she knows there were lasers and Nigel barks at her all "WHY ARE YOU REMEMBERING THE LASERS AND NOT THE DANCING?!". Cat pretty much stares at him until he shuts up.

PHONE LINES ARE OPEN! WOOO! So here's a quick reminder of the evening's routines :

H & Claire get the laser treatment ; WHAT'S FOXTROT HERP DERP HERP DERP ; The Kate Prince Sexual Breakfast Club ; Rithy & Shane are sexy spies ; Nicholas Fizzles ; The Worst Routine In The History Of This Fair Show ; Luke & Danielle hate one another to a Latin beat ; Katrina & Tom become my OTP ; the most bearable use of Adele on tv all year ; Karen Bruce's DEADLY LIFTS claim another victim

Steve will have your results recap in a separate entry. Not to give away who leaves, but I am 50% delighted, 50% devastated. I loved my Ryan Cheekbones.