You know, or not. But probably.
Previously : The whole series.
One last time everybody.
SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE! [*sniff* - Steve]
Speaking of the whole series, we're being joined by our whole Top 20 for one last group routine. Choreographed by Mandy Moore, naturally. I think Mandy Moore has choreographed pretty much everything these last two weeks hasn't she? (Her and people on Strictly who will shortly be having their new contracts for the new series of that decided on.) Mandy Moore is now choreographing everything. Mandy Moore is choreographing this blog. (Chris sautes, not like the potato) Mandy Moore is choreographing your mum. Mandy Moore is choreographing choreography itself.
Anyway, it's a Mandy Moore group routine, and we've run through a yacht, the Riviera, a society wedding and now, a day at the races. Hang on, Mandy Moore appears to be choreographing the Tory Party (POLITICAL SATIREZ ON YOUR DANCE SHOW RECAPS!). Anyway the Top Twenty are all here, in outlandish neon high-fashion outfits. Cheekbones Ryan, Tumbledown Paige (who somehow remains upright throughout her portion, unlike Arlene), Italian Gian Luca (with really unfortunate hair), Evil Professional Stephanie, Cabbage Alice, Charlie Wheee!, Fierce Rithy, Fierce Shane, Katrina Ballerina, Tapper Tom, Danielle Of The Lack Of Nickname Potential, Lee-Boy, Scally, Israel's Mum's Son, Bethany-Rose Lee, and of course, front and centre, they know what the people paid to see, AndrogyLee. They all dance around to Party Rock Anthem, I object to the last live dancing we see all series being to flipping Party Rock Anthem, then the Top Four appear in really ugly ill-fitting silver suits, so it looks a bit like a shitty M & S advert just broke out.
Luke vamps, Katie Love looks disinterested, Matt pooches his face up and dances with his hand on his tummy like a dad at a wedding, Kirsty gives it more energy than I think the routine (or indeed any routine) warrants, I notice that the fashion girls hats that floated off their heads at the beginning on wires are dangling still in mid-air like grisly trophies, the lights come up, the end.
Right, now, time for half an hour of VTs.
Cat comes back in and fakes interest in these people for the last time. She tells us all it was great to see our Top Twenty again, and also that she didn't know if we noticed, but Scally managed to spin her weave off in the middle of the dance. I try not to pay attention to Scally to be honest. [I noticed, but it was hardly in the same league as Erin Boag's Dance-Off Of Hair Despair, so I couldn't muster much interest. - Steve] We're also requested to thank Mandy Moore, without whom the entire second half of this series literally WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Mandy waves like the jolly Postman Pat character she is.
The judges are then re-introduced, with Nigel waving a miniature Union Jack, having officially reached his last refuge, the scoundrel. Cat asks him if he thinks it's going to be a close call tonight. He lies that he does. He's then asked what the public should be looking for, and he shrugs that the lines have now closed, so nothing. They've got the votes, so he doesn't have to direct traffic any more. Although if you can try to squeeze another vote in for the three people up there who aren't Kirsty, he'd appreciate it. You never know, the voting tech might be broken. Lord knows everything else about this show is.
VT NOW! Let's find out what happened earlier. Well first of all Matt grabbed a camera backstage and blow-job faced "IT'S THE FINAL!" down it. Katie got her hair done to look more like Hordress The Confuser than ever before, and talked about how nervous she was. Then everyone had a big hug. Some producers are shown, just to reassure us that there are some. There is some intelligence guiding this show. Swurr.
Firstly there was that group routine I've already forgotten. Mandy Moore choreographed though I'll bet. Then Mandy Moore choreographed a jazz routine for Matt & Katie to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and it was a bit Bleh Bleh Bleh because Matt, for all they call him a chameleon, cannot give edge or attitude to save his life. We're then treated to a most unflattering show of Fat Deaf Old Kirsty Squatting down on the floor backstage like she's about to do a dump on the floor. I think she might be in Arlene's dressing room. Then Mandy Moore, using her Spanish name of Javier De Fruots, choreographed another Contemporary routine where people dressed in white and rolled around the floor to the sounds of a woman being overwrought (in this case, Sinead O Connor).
Then everyone ran around screaming before doing their solos, all choreographed by Mandy Moore, except Kirsty's which was, as usual, choreographed by Sparkle Motion director Kitty Farmer. [Nobody doubts Kirsty's commitment to Sparkle Motion. - Steve] Then both Katie/Luke and Matt/Kirsty did some indifferent ballroom, with Katie Love dressed as Kara Tointon (nice that Artem still has the dress). Finally Mandy Moore wore Bill Deamer as a skin-suit and choreographed two Broadway routines - one with Matt and Luke involving tap, and one for Kirsty and Katie which involved hoisting them up on on a giant hydraulic lift. Briefly my dream of Kirsty suffering a semi-serious injury, suing this show into the ground and living like a QUEEN was reignited. And then it died. All the judges say that everyone was amazing. Woo-hoo! Only seventy more VTs to go!
Oh, quick, another one! This time a recap of the whole series. Marc Almond the mime, that guy with the towels, Tom The Tapper being complimented (this is the auditions, natch), jazz vampires, group dance vampires, lots of vampires, hip-hop to the Archers, lots of rolling around in white shirts, Battle Of The Tappers, that routine to Crazy we don't talk about, H & Claire 2.0 (WITH LASERS!), Kate Prince occasionally being almost bearable, Kirsty and AndrogyLee making Adele almost bearable, Arlene smearing herself up and down Charlie Whee, Shane & Rithy (*sigh*), Katrina Ballerina doing one endearingly sloppy hip-hop routine and coasting on it forever and ever and ever and ever amen, seventy two routines we'd already seen on the US version, authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood, Lee C getting slagged six ways from Sunday every week, Israel's Mum, all the many feelings of ANGRY LUKE, hip-hop boot camp, hip hop skateboards, hip-hop Charlie Chaplin, Scally acting like a moron every week and everyone clapping along happily, Sisco having to be yanked into about five standing ovations, Tom having the personality of a pumpkin, Paige falling on her arse and spending the rest of the routine actively trying to make GianLuca do the same, Sisco throwing off his Loboutins, us getting to see Kate Prince's diary, that week they all threw spitwads at Katrina and called her a virgin because she couldn't salsa, AndrogyLee going to war, the dawning of the Age Of Hilarious, ANGRY LUKE in detention, Kirsty being Matt's Librarian Girl, Total Eclipse Of The Heart, homoerotic paso dobles, homoerotic gangsters, homoerotic homoeroticism,...it goes on.
You know who never features? Not even for a second? BARROWMAN. Quite right too.
Back to the judges now, and they're all asked for their highlights of the series. Louise says the boys paso from last week (involved Matt Flint), and Matt & Charlotte's jazz routine (involved Matt Flint). Arlene says the boys group jazz gangsters routine from the quarter finals (involved Matt Flint), and the Total Eclipse Of The Heart contemporary (involved Matt Flint). Sisco says the contestants growth, because he can remember most of the routines from this series about as well as I can. Nigel finishes by saying the boys group jazz gangster routine as well (involved Matt Flint), and also singles out that one time they gave Bethany-Rose Lee choreography that wasn't ball-achingly dreadful with the Spider-Woman routine, and it turned out she was a really good dancer, and probably the best woman on the show who wasn't hampered by being a specialist in hip-hop and being a foreign. Who knew? He then whitters on about growth as well, closing by saying that the TRUE WINNER HAS BEEN DAHNCE!
Sod off Nigel.
Here come the results! The finalists troop out, and eliminated first (although they never specifiy what position any of these people actually finish in. I mean, I can believe she did finish fourth, but they're awfully circumspect with their wording) is...Kirsty. [I call bullshit. I don't think she did finish fourth at all. I found it quite annoying, actually - why bother to claim that the public have all the power if you're going to mealymouth the actual finishing positions of everybody who wasn't Matt and therefore guaranteed to win? - Steve] She does a neat little curtsey, and Nigel does god-awful fake "I AM SHOCKED!" face. Oh Nigel, give it up. We get a VT (*drink*) of her Best Bits, which fails to live up to its name immediately when it features her in the glittery used space condom. That was NOBODY'S best bit. Back in the studio she melodramas and breaks down crying about how everyone at home has helped her achieve her dream and she hopes she can inspire other people to fulfil their dreams as well. Oh Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Darlene-Loving Compo-Queen Raggy-Doll Kirsty. You ham.
Finishing in being the second person to leave us tonight place is...Katie Love. Thankfully Nigel does not mime shock at this turn of events. At this point Matt and Luke are dispatched, pinching their noses like Frank Butcher the whole way. Katie's Best Bits follow, and they don't airbrush out Lee-Boy Stalin-style like I was expecting. Back in the studio she thanks everyone, including Cat, which is nice, because Cat is pretty much the one constant of good in this whole show, and I'm glad more people are recognising this than they did last year. Katie Love just about holds it together until she gets off stage. Top Girl eh? Whoever said that hoovering up to Arlene never paid off?
What now then? PERFORMING VIA VT, IT'S J-LO! Whoever that is. It sounds like it might be Jennifer Lopez, but like she's appearing on this show. Whoever it is, they're clearly one Pokemon evolution behind K-Lo, and therefore shouldn't be performing after her elimination. Get L-Lo out here instead. Maybe she can crash a car into the judges table and snort cocaine off Louise's face and get Samantha Ronson to do a club remix of the theme tune or something. It'd be more exciting than J-Lo here, descending to the floor in a giant heart made out of question marks (kind of a metaphor for this entire show really), the bouncing around in a bukkake splattered catsuit that makes her look like a particularly sprightly 50 year old in a spinning class, doing her single from three months ago. Sadly Ryan Cheekbones and Evil Professional Stephanie don't join her with their SEXY LASERS. Boo. Could have boosted the star power a little. [Also, the quintessential J-Lo SYTYCD performance always has been and always will be this. - Steve]
Another VT now : Matt and Luke both have feelings about winning. Luke moreso obviously.
Out to the stage again, all our VTs done with, one can only hope. To announce the winner. Who is...
I'm so glad that this series is over, and now the most predictable thing in my life is once again the sun rising in the morning. Pyros go off, Kirsty runs onto the stage SCREAMING like a fire-engine, and Katie Love saunters gingerly after her. Then everyone else charges on, and envelops Matt in a giant group hug. Cat acts like we're about to see Matt's Best Bits, but then the VT doesn't cue up. I think maybe because Angry Luke has already run backstage and is smashing everything up with a golf club and screaming "WHYYYYYYYY? WHY AM I ALWAYS SECOND FUCKING BEST? WHYYYYYYYYY?". Let's just say there's a reason there was no second place interview this year.
Cat fills frantically, asking him how he feels. He says that he feels great that he had this stage to show off his passion, and that everyone supported him and voted for him. Nigel is then asked if he thinks Matt is a worthy winner, as the backstage crew attempt to hold Angry Luke down and tie him up with electrical cord. Nigel says yes, of course, and he'll be so glad to take Matt to Hollywood where he'll fit right in. Angry Luke detaches a sink from the dressing room walls and bashes an Executive Producer over the head with it as water gushes everywhere.
(Sidebar : Series 1 champion Charlie Bruce is launching a girlband soon. This is a well known route to continuing success for ex-reality tv contestants. I hear that Chanelle, Joanna The Cleaner From Leicester, and Imogen Thomas are the other four members)
Cat asks Matt if he wants to give a message to the people at home who voted for him. Angry Luke shoves Sisco into a corner, holds a comb-handle to his eyeball, and asks him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Matt brags a bit about never having been in the bottom two, but he's talking to people who voted for him, so not me, so I'm not really listening. Angry Luke downs a pint of Carling and deep-throat snogs Jamie Redknapp in a cupboard. The rest of the Top Twenty runs up to hug Matt. Angry Luke just stands there, in the car-park outside Television Centre crying, hugging himself. The Top Twenty hoist Matt up on their shoulders, their hero, and carry him off into the sunset. Angry Luke lifts an abandoned shopping-trolley over his head, throws it at the moon reflected in a lake, howls at the moon, and runs off into the night. Again.
This is the end.
So Many Feelings.
(Thank you for reading. Well done Matt - my 7th favourite of the finalists is still better than Charlie Bruce was. If this show is not cancelled, we may be back.)