Sunday, 24 January 2010

Heterosexual Bed Death

Top 10 Results: 23rd January 2010

Yeah, so you know what I said last week about Cat always looking so well turned-out on this show? I don't know what the hell she was smoking when she got dressed this evening, but that terrifying yellow cubist nightmare is not going to go down in the annals of her finer sartorial moments. Anyway, this is not So You Think You Can Talk Shit About Cat's Dress Sense, after all, so let's get on with things. Cat reminds us that earlier tonight, the dancers were hit with their toughest challenge yet: that of being judged on their own abilities and not hiding behind a superior partner, Gavin. Oh, wait, he's already gone. Just as well, eh? So - who survived the cull that was organised by the public vote, eh? Cat tells us that the lines have been closed and the votes tallied and independently verified (just once I'd like her to say that they've been verified by Maureen from the office next door, because they couldn't be arsed to get an external in) - one girl and one guy will be leaving us tonight. That is the purpose of So You Think You Can Dance - the results!


We begin the show with another group routine, and I'm sure Chris will be ecstatic to learn that they've wheeled out the Black Eyed Peas again ('Pump It' this time), them being his absolute favouritest band and everything. (I like when Fergie goes "DANG!" repeatedly in this one, though apart from that, it is a load of old noise - Chris)The good news is that this means the routine is hip-hop themed, which leads to some epic fronting from Mandy, some positively adorable attempting-to-look-surly from Drew, and a chance for Mark, Tommy and Lizzie to really shine. Robbie acquits himself rather better than he did last week, but Yanet not so much, though they've sensibly kept her in a crowd for most of it, so her slight hesitancy isn't especially obvious - and her solo moment is basically all salsa hips anyway, which seems an entirely sensible decision. One part that I love is when Charlie runs in, does an aerial cartwheel and then basically saunters off again - very much "right, I've done my bit, I'm off now". Well, it made me laugh, anyway. Actually, I would like more routines that involve Alastair and Drew trying to look street at the same time please, because they're both giving it a shit load of effort and yet still look like...two middle-class white boys trying to street dance. I just want to schmoosh their cheeks, bless them. (TMI - Chris) Oh, and it all ends with everyone lying on the floor except Tommy, who proceeds to "sweep" them offstage as they all roll away. It's stuff like that that really makes a routine. Good work, show.

Cat And The Dress That Puts A Giant Lobster Pincer Over Her Vagina walk onto the stage, and Cat laments that she doesn't want to lose any of them. Weirdly, I kind of know how she feels. (Eh, Mandy can bugger off - Chris) She teases the upcoming performance from JLS, as well as the elimination. Despite what I originally thought, the judges will still be choosing who goes home tonight, so they are here as well, though to be honest if Sisco had gone home to watch Casualty, I wouldn't have complained.

Video recap! The boys all wave gaily (some more gaily than others, naturally) to Cat backstage, while Hayley and Charlie hang around one of the monitors nervously. Lizzie and Drew opened the show with a disco routine that was a little bit sloppy around the edges but definitely energetic, and which gained the approval of the judges. Cat, meanwhile, continued to solicit the opinions of Drew's Nipple judging by where she's holding the microphone, even though it's been covered up tonight. Does Drew's Nipple have its own voting number? (Drew's hair vs Drew's nipple. Who wins, you decide - Chris) What odds are the bookmakers offering on Drew's Nipple making the final? Meanwhile, Lizzie was shy, but then had to dance in Princess Leia's bra, which means she must have managed to get over it somehow. That's got to be the shortest Journey ever. Backstage, Drew admits that doing disco in front of Arlene Phillips was terrifying. I take it we can deduce from this that Drew was not the fabled auditionee who told Arlene she knew nothing about the choreography for Saturday Night Fever. Mandy and Mark's reviews for their contemporary piece were mixed - Nigel told Mark to point his toes because they were "starting to look like flippers", while Arlene (who benefits greatly from the hands of the editors, which make her sound 100 times more coherent) that he left her breathless by giving himself to the choreography. Tommy and Yanet salsaed for us, and naturally the entire fucking thing was awesome and as a result they both evolved into their next Pokémon forms or whatever, and Yanet strokes Tommy's abs while thanking him for being awesome. Alastair and Hayley attempted hip-hop, and it went about as well as could ever be expected, though Sisco's hissy fit has thankfully been edited out of the recap. Finally, Charlie and Robbie were as serious as cancer when they said rhythm was a lyrical dancer, and Nigel kind of overshared about the choreographer's personal life and people cried and everything got kind of weird, but if you looked beyond all the uncomfortable cancer-talk, the routine beneath it was pretty fantastic, and actually raised my estimation of Charlie considerably. Terrifying Extreme Arlene Close-Up talks about how this was the closest show so far (to what, precisely, she doesn't say), and Sisco and Louise agree that it was a good'un.

And with that, it's results time. While six of the dancers are safe, four of them are not. Time for the obligatory "I would like to stay in the competition, please" montage set to Hometown Fucking Glory, and can we stop lining Adele's pockets soon, please? Because if I hear that bloody song one more time there is a very strong chance that I will sever all ties with civilised society and go and live inside a tree in the Scottish highlands, emerging only once a day to forage for berries. Anyway, Lizzie talks about how she has always been shy, but has also always wanted to be a dancer (and this is accompanied by an adorably chubby-cheeked childhood photo of a grinning Lizzie) (Seriously, Lizzie was so the cutest baby - Chris). Mandy says that it's been awesome to fulfil all those childhood dreams, and she doesn't know what she'd do if she had to go home. Start that baby farm you were planning before this show came along, maybe? Hayley needs to stay in, she says, because she will never have this opportunity again. And I guess that if your parents own Italia Conti and you still have to hawk your ass on a reality show to find work, you must be struggling career-wise. Yanet's family are far away, but she feels like she's found another family all the British people. Even the ones not watching? Charlie feels that she was "born to do this" and doesn't want to have it taken away.

And so the girls are lined up awaiting their fate. Charlie is the first to to be reminded of her feedback (essentially: "you are GOOD and also YOUNG"), before Cat moves on to Yanet, who also got excellent comments for her routine. Yanet is safe, and throws her head back in relief. Charlie hugs her, and seems genuinely pleased. Then Cat declares Charlie safe too, and Charlie squeals with delight and hops off the stage to hug and sway with Yanet some more. The three remaining on stage all seem pleased for both of them, but in a more muted, "well, SHIT" kind of way. Hayley's feedback highlights come from Nigel rather than Sisco, which is a relief for all of us, and she is in the danger zone tonight. Hayley takes it with a nod of the head, and her hands on her hips. Asked if she is surprised by this result, Arlene replies that she is, saying that Hayley had a tough routine to deliver, but she's a beautiful dancer and it's getting very hard at this stage. If only she'd made the joke during the boys' line-up, things would've been so much easier. Hayley goes off to prepare for her solo, while Cat turns to Lizzie and Mandy, who know that only one of them can be safe. Lizzie is the first to be addressed, being reminded that Louise loved her confidence, while Mandy was told by Sisco that she did brilliantly - but only one of them is safe. And it's Lizzie, because Mandy is declared to be in danger. Lizzie skips off, while Cat consoles Mandy: "we've been here before, we can do it again." Aww, that's quite nice. You wouldn't catch Dermot O'Leary getting that involved, would you? Cat asks Louise what advice she has for Mandy, and Louise tells her to go out and dance like she does every week: with conviction.

Now for the boys. Montage! Drew aims for maximum woobieage by saying "I was aware from a very young age that I was extremely unpopular." Oh, Drew. I love you and everything, but such transparent fishing for compliments is a really bad idea right now. He's in this competition to prove to himself that "all those years of standing by myself in that playground have come to something." Oh, for goodness' sake. Is he actually trying to destroy me here? I AM NOT MADE OF STONE, DREW. Alastair also talks about his childhood, but thankfully sticks to the tried-and-tested route of "I've just always loved dancing", giving me a chance to collect myself. Sniff. Mark doesn't want to leave tonight because he would feel like the challenge has brought him down. Robbie's family and friends have been so supportive, and he doesn't want to let them down. Tommy has felt a need to prove himself all of his life, and going home would crush him. Wow. Drew was really miles ahead of everyone else in the "don't ruin my life, you bastards" stakes this week, wasn't he? (I want Tasty Oreo to come back and choreograph a routine where Yanet bullies Drew for his love of dance/being a homo. IT WOULD BE EMOTIONAL! - Chris

The Unusual Suspects are all lined up with Cat now, looking varying degrees of nervous. Drew's up first, and got excellent reports from Sisco and Louise - and the viewers, because he's safe. He hugs his way tearfully down the line, kissing Tommy (and also Mark, I think) on the cheek as he does so. Robbie's lyrical routine won Arlene over, while Alastair's hip-hop got reasonable praise from Nigel. Who's the next one to be safe? Robbie, who's nearly having a heart attack. He too hugs his way down the line, but there's no kissing this time. There are three boys left, and Cat falls over the word "leaving" about three times, before revealing that Alastair is safe, much to his surprise. Tommy and Mark take it reasonably well, and just have their own little hug while Cat cuddles a catatonic Alastair. Once Alastair has joined the rest of the safe crew, Cat goes over Tommy's and Mark's feedback: Tommy was "smart and clever" according to Arlene, while Mark got an "A for effort" from Sisco. Cat consoles them that nothing is certain right now, and they can change anything. Except the outcome of the public vote. Though how cool would it be if they danced so awesomely that they TURNED BACK TIME AND CHANGED THE FUTURE? Arlene is surprised, especially considering how good the boys were in their opening routine for this show. The one they did after the lines closed, that is. Cat assures us that we can't wait to see their solos again, and closes with "let's hear it for...these guys". Heh. Someone forgot the contestants' names, didn't they?

Cat reminds us who's in danger tonight, having presumably had the producer just shout "Tommy and Mark!" in her ear. Nigel says that the routines and the dancers' personalities may be the reason these contestants didn't win the public over - well, yes, that's pretty much all we have to go on, isn't it? He continues that Tommy did well in his salsa, and Mark had a much tougher job, but then he's had it tough for a couple of weeks, because last week he was a HIP HOP DANCER DOING BALLROOM AND THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY THE HARDEST THING A PERSON CAN DO.....hey, get off my laptop, Arlene! Sorry about that. (Make sure you wipe it clean - Chris)

The solos are, disappointingly, the same ones we saw in the main show, so there's not really a lot I can add that Chris won't have already covered. To my mind, Hayley's hangs together well as a self-contained piece of dance, while Mandy's is more adventurous but flows less well. Tommy's is an impressive display of breakdancing, while Mark's involves a full palette of 256 colours and is engaging and precise, but less eye-catching than Tommy's. It's kind of hard to say who'll go, really. (I preferred Mark's and Hayley's solos, but I can see why they went home - Chris)

So, while the judges make their Very Important Decision, JLS are here to perform their new single 'One Shot'. Oh God, it's a ballad. Oh wait, no it isn't! Ooh, nice bit of misdirection there, JLS. The single's all right, despite not being as exciting as the Unexpected Genre Switch made me think it might be. I mean, it's still no 'Beat Again', but I supose at least it's not the stale mid-90s throwback piece of crap that was 'Everybody In Love'. They're blatantly miming too, just like Alexandra was last week, despite not having a terribly complicated dance routine to deliver. And JB doesn't say "Merry Christmas" at any point either. Boo! Swizz!

Once that's all over, Cat welcomes back "the four dancers in danger", which does lend the evening a rather unwarranted sense of drama. It's not like they're suspended over a vat of boiling acid by their own hair, or anything. (More's the pity - Chris) The girls will hear their result first, and Nigel informs them that the judges are unanimous, and also unanimous in believing that it is getting tougher every week. They feel there is very little difference between the two of them. Mandy is told that she is a "mature dancer" (read: "old crone") with great strength who understands the demands of this show and the fact that she will not always meet them. Hayley was fantastic last week with her contemporary routine, and the judges don't fully understand why she's here this week, apart from that five minute interlude where Sisco held up a neon sign saying "HAYLEY IS AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH" and basically gave the public total validation to vote her off. Her solo and duet were both good, but she needs to highlight her strengths and not expose her weaknesses. He has known her family for many years, because not only do her parents run Italia Conti, but also her dad was in The Young Generation, and it was him leaving the group that left a space for Nigel to join. Well, they kept that one quiet, didn't they? Probably just as well, for Hayley's sake. However, all that history counts for naught, because Hayley's outta here. (I so wish he'd said "I know your dad, so you can stay in". She then would have become a SUPERVILLAIN! - Chris) Mandy runs off for hugs, and Hayley beams, and then we see her best bits. Microseconds of audition footage, a cha cha cha, the best routine of the series so far last week with Drew, and...that's it. Back in the studio, Hayley cites the bed routine as a personal highlight and says that it's been an honour to be part of the show in its "first season", and then trots off to sit on the (/have an- Chris) Elimination Stool.

Time for the boys to hear their outcome. Once again, Nigel reveals that the decision is unanimous, though the judges are sad that they must lose one of their hip-hop dancers. (THEY HAVE IT SO HARD! - Chris) Nigel reminds us of this year's designated journey: that kids can be taken off the street and become proper multi-skilled dancers (/judges - Chris), and he thinks both of them have been exciting in what they've shown already. Tommy is called forwards first, and told he has a great warmth around him which gets him through routines, and the judges think he is doing well. Mark, similarly, has been doing well, but has not grown as much as Tommy, and therefore will be sent home to his little boy. I guess the curse of Blackpool lives on, since Mark made such a fuss about not wanting to go out before his son's first birthday. Mark and Tommy hug it out, and we get to see Mark's best moments. He came from the streets of Milton Keynes and had no training, but loved and felt the music, and became "the heart and soul" of the competition according to Arlene. Which presumably means it is now heartless and soulless. (HURRAY! - Chris) Back in the studio, Mark says that he feels privileged to have come from the streets and made it so far, and that perhaps he can be an inspiration to other people who are also on the streets. But not in That Way, I assume. (TRAMP DANCE! - Chris) Hayley runs on to hug Mark, and it's left to Cat to wrap up the show, telling us that they'll be back at 6:30 next week with Mika, but please don't let that put you off, as we really don't want the ratings to drop again. See you next week!


  1. Sisco is like, totally gonna be in Hayley's Burn Book...

  2. <a href=">Here's</a> what Cat's dress should have looked like.