Weak in the presence of Snooty

Top 8: 30th January 2010

Last week! Charlie and Robbie danced about cancer and made all the judges moist, particularly Sisco, to the extent that he had to be towelled after the show by the production assistant who lost a particularly hard-fought game of Scissors Paper Stone, and then the internets asploded because it turned out to have already been done on the US version and was in fact Nigel's favourite dance in the history of everything ever. Oopsie. Sisco and Arlene disagreed about Hayley, not that it mattered because she's gone back to the Italia Conti prefab to...do whatever dancers do when they get eliminated from this show. Oh, and Mark went home too, but we've already forgotten about him, I guess. (Given that "Fan Of The Hat" Mark's departure suddenly coincides with Sisco going hatless I think we can safely surmise that Sisco can add "thief" to his list of crimes - Chris) This week, the eight remaining contestants are battling for a place in the semi-final, and this seems to involve quite a lot of falling over. However, one guy and one doll will not make it that far. What's that, Cat? Welcome to So You Think You Can Dance? Alrighty then.

SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE. This is really quite saddening; they've slowed it down so much for a BBC1 Saturday night audience that it actually does kind of sound like "so you think you can dance". I preferred the utterly incomprehensible American version.

Time to welcome the top eight, then: Charlie (Stage School Spice), Alastair (Billy Elliot Spice), Lizzie (Spice Spice Baby), Robbie (Spice Blonde), Yanet (Spice While It Lasted), Tommy (Lairy Spice), Mandy (Old Spice), and Drew (Hairy Spice). There are the girls, and there are the guys. Oh, and there's Cat! Looking better this week in a sort of silvery, snakeskin-pattern type dress, and as usual, looking like an Amazon next to all of our Tiny Dancers. Cat reminds us that this is the quarter-final, and that there will be four duet performances, eight solo performances, and two group routines. All in an hour, as well! This is a huge relief, and means I don't have to worry about bedsores like I do during Dancing On Ice. Cat runs through the rules again, and introduces the judges. You will no doubt be thrilled to hear that Sisco is not wearing a hat or comedy glasses tonight. He is, however, still going to be a royal a-hole, so don't get too excited.

Cat asks Nigel what to expect from the Top 8. Interestingly, Nigel says that they will have to raise the bar, but no more so than they have to do every week. That's quite refreshing, when certain other reality shows insist that each new week is the Toughest Week Ever, and it will no longer do to give 110%, you now have to give 120%/130%/692%. Asked what the public should be looking out for, Arlene talks about magnetism, and how Britain's Favourite Dancer will make us believe they're dancing just for us. A private dancer, if you will. A dancer for money. They'll do what we want them to do. (Hi Alistair! - Chris)

To kick things off, we have the girls' group number, which is being danced to Beyoncé's 'Move', from Dreamgirls. Since watching this first time around last night, and sitting down to write this recap, Chris and I have become more intimately acquainted with Beyoncé's movie career, as he'd rented Obsessed for us to watch. I was expecting great things, or at least hilarious things, considering how the "YOU BETTA DO SUMTHIN ABOUT THIS WUMMIN O AH WHEEL" meme was everywhere last year, but seriously: terrible, terrible movie. Every single character in it is an utter moron. (Except Christine Lahti - Chris) Especially Beyoncé's. GRAB A WEAPON! CALL THE POLICE! Idiot. (Well I'm glad I didn't scare you with my repeated yelling of "GET A KNIFE YOU STUPID WHORE!" -Chris)

Anyway, where were we? Their group routine is sort of '50s girl group style routine, with lots of fringing on the dresses to emphasise the hip shimmying. It's nice enough, but not especially dynamic. Charlie is a couple of beats behind the others at a few points, and Yanet looks a bit nervous, so Lizzie and Mandy are the ones who come out of it looking the best, but I doubt any of us are going to remember this routine tomorrow.

Cat thanks Stephen Mear for the two minutes he took out of his day to choreograph that routine, and teases the boys' upcoming group performance, which will be choreographed by Matthew Bourne and based on his famous all-male Swan Lake. Well, that sounds like a level playing field, doesn't it? A routine based on a famous, celebrated piece of dance versus a bit of shimmying to Beyoncé. It's almost like they've given up all hope of trying to convince us a girl can win this. (Erm, excuse me, these bints should be GLAD they've been allowed to dance her royal B'ness - Chris)

The first couple tonight are Yanet and Robbie, who've been randomly paired together once again by the Hat of Randomness, which doesn't seem to be doing a terribly efficient job thus far. Yanet giggles when she learns who she's partnered with, and refers to their pairing as "ice and fire". Say, did you guys know that Robbie's from Stockport? And that his family have been campaigning enthusiastically for him to win? Well, just in case you had any doubt on that front, they are and they have, and they're still doing it. Robbie's mum talks enthusiastically about how much effort goes into it all, as the dogs are decked out with "VOTE ROBBIE" banners to go walkies, and she mentions that they're keen to keep the campaign "fresh". I think this is the most fun she's had in years. Unfortunately, the Hat of Randomness has endowed Team Fire and Ice with the lindyhop this week, which is not going to do either of them many favours. Choreographer Ryan Francois says as much, and a tired-looking Yanet says that they've had to put in a lot of hours this week. Because she has to keep four routines in her head, she's dancing in her sleep sometimes. They complete a successful rehearsal and Yanet has a little cry on Robbie's giant shoulder, and she should've learned from Hayley that crying + a routine that doesn't tailor to your natural strengths =/= public support. However, they're determined to go out and give it their all, as per.

The set-up for the routine is fun, anyway - Robbie's a mad scientist who drinks one of his own potions and has some kind of Jekyll and Hyde type lindyhop meltdown as a result, while Yanet is his sexy secretary - his sexretary, if you will - who gets caught up in all the lindyhopping madness, all to the strains of 'It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)'. I actually think they're doing a reasonably good job of it - Robbie's leg movements are sharper than Yanet's, but she's giving good comedy face, and energy-wise they're certainly giving it some welly, but a few of the lifts don't go quite to plan - Yanet lands awkwardly out of one, and another that involves her flipping over Robbie's back ends with her sort of rolling off sideways. However, I liked this routine - sure, it was gimmicky, but it was enjoyable, and I don't think either Yanet or Robbie disgraced themselves in it. (I thought they were both awful - particularly him. Different strokes I guess... - Chris)

Nigel's the first to comment - he liked it, and gives us a bit of a potted lindyhop history (NAZI DANCE! - Chris). He does, however, point out the failed back somersault, but applauds their energy - it could've been danced better, and he thinks they worried too much about the characters and the performances suffered as a result. Cat asks Yanet and Robbie if that's a fair assessment, and whether they were worried about the lifts. Yanet's all "FUCK YES". Arlene thought they approached it differently - she calls Yanet "fast and fearless", and then points out that she was afraid of all of those air-steps. Someone please throw a dictionary at Arlene so she can look up what "fearless" means, please. Don't worry too much about aiming precisely, I don't mind if it hits her head. Or Sisco's. She thinks Robbie performed away, but was far too tense, and that was why the lifts weren't working - because they weren't working together. Louise says that playing a character in dance is HARD (not as hard as a street dancer learning latin and ballroom, of course); she thinks that certain parts worked well, but she doesn't think the character and the dance married together to make a coherent whole. Sisco thought they were struggling through it, and he's worried for them both, "especially Yanet, because I think this really exposed you as, in my opinion, the weakest girl." If anyone can explain to me precisely what about this dance gave us a window into the air-filled glitterball that is Sisco's mind, please do enlighten me. I certainly didn't sit through this and suddenly think "oh my God! Sisco thinks Yanet is the weakest girl!" Unless I'm just being overly pedantic with his imprecise sentence structure, but hey, I'm sure it can't be that. The audience gasps and boos, and Arlene attempts to defend Yanet by saying that she attacked the lifts "more fearlessly than most of the girls in this competition", and Sisco snits "we're talking about Yanet and Robbie here, Arlene." Yes, you both were. What's your point, Curly Sue? Louise tells them not to take that comment offstage with them (au contraire, I'd advise them to take that comment off stage with them and chuck it in the bin where it belongs rather than leave it festering in the air). Sisco's all "it was truthful, I have to be honest, that's what it is." Well, since we're being truthful: Sisco is a fucking tool. And I say this as someone who has vigorously defended both Alesha Dixon and Kara DioGuardi in the past, so I tend to give the Scrappy a bit of leeway. Hell, I've even, on rare occasions, found reasons to defend Louis Walsh in the past. And I still can't find anything positive to say about Sisco. (He's still not as bad as Sharon Osbourne - Chris) (Orkaradioguardi *runs away* - Chris)If there is a series two (and I think there will be), I hope he isn't being invited back. GIANT LADY FOR JUDGE 2011!

Solo time! First to take the stage is Alastair, who is not shirtless this week. I never really know what to say about solos, other than what music they're being performed to (in this instance, 'Get It On' by T-Rex). It involves a lot of leaping around. Does that cover it? I dunno. Cat asks him if it's a lot of hard work, and Alastair admits to being nocturnal ("my mum and dad are here, so I can't really lie") and needing several cups of coffee to get going. Cat gives us the number to call if we think Alastair should be "in first position". Ballet humour! I love it. There's a shot of a banner in the audience, with "Fred Astair" written on it, except they've crossed out "Fred" and the "A" and written "Ali" in its place, so it now reads "Alistair". Which is not how he spells his name, or at least not how the show spells his name. I wouldn't laugh, except they went to all the trouble of crossing out that solitary "A" and they should have left it in.

Next up is Lizzie! Her solo is to 'Poker Face' by Lady GaGa, so naturally SHE WINS. I mean, the choreographical content isn't that amazing, but GAGA > EVERYTHING, right? She talks giddily with Cat about costumes, and continues to be kind of awesome.

Our next couple have never danced together before (finally, good work, Hat of Randomness!) - Charlie and Drew. Charlie was pleased to get positive feedback from Arlene last week. Which she apparently whispered, because the sound levels on this part of the VT are all buggered up. Charlie then rolls out the sob story about how she was never noticed at auditions (probably, I'm guessing, because there were about 20 Charlies in any given audition that she went to - I mean, I went to school with at least three of her. And I went to an all boys' school) and for a while, gave up on her dream, getting a job in a shoe shop (OH THE HUMANITY). "I completely lost me! I'd gone!" she recalls. Oh, for fuck's sake. Less of the "I dance, therefore I am", please. She is grateful to be here. However, this week, she's doing lyrical hip hop, choreographed by Kate Prince, which is exposing her weaknesses. Which are still not as pronounced as Yanet's, since Sisco SPEAKS TEH TRUTH!!!!1!!! and everything. Kate Prince describes Charlie's work as "very fresh - and not fresh in a good way." Snerk. Drew, on the other hand, is a "mature" dancer who takes on direction. Drew talks about being very mature all his life, and how devastated his mother was when he came out. Er, of the state education system to go away to a stage school, that is. Sorry. I don't know how that full stop got in there. We see videos of a tiny Drew performing, and his mum talks proudly about how it was a struggle, financially, but they're all very proud of him. Drew says that they've given up so much to allow him to fulfill his dreams, and that going home now is not an option. (I think it is.)

Their circus-themed routine is to 'Doesn't Mean Anything' by Alicia Keys, with Drew as an emo clown and Charlie as...actually, I'm not really sure what Charlie is meant to be. They're reasonably well-matched throughout the performance, though Drew's movements are more precise than Charlie's. Again, despite the slight problems with the execution of the routine, I enjoyed the routine itself. I think they're feeling brave enough to start making things a bit more avant-garde on this show now. I hope so, anyway. (I would agree if "avant-garde" didn't mean "amonst the worst choreography I've ever seen". This was supposed to be hip-hop? It was like the props round on Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Chris) Drew and Charlie pantomime a little bit after the music ends where she breaks his heart, or something. It's cute, and leads Cat to holler to Drew that she'll take his heart if Charlie won't have it. Only it doesn't sound quite as sinister as I just made it.

Arlene describes the routine as "prop heaven, that was gradually turning into prop hell". What? It's not like they had a hat and a cane! She says that Drew surprises her every week because she expects him to be one-dimensional as a dancer, but he comes out and delivers with whatever he's given - even lyrical hip hop, which is not his thing. Charlie, on the other hand, is not good at this and it showed, Arlene thinks. She felt that Charlie was too "cutesy", and not seamless enough. Sisco's opinion is solicited, and he thinks it was a "catastrophe". The audience boos, and he thanks them, because he's now That Guy. Tit. He felt that the theatrics and the props swamped them. Which is neither Charlie's nor Drew's fault, but whatever. Louise really enjoyed it and thought that they pulled it off, because she loves mime. Well, I guess someone has to. Nigel thought it was a lovely piece of entertainment, and he enjoyed it and believed in the characters - he thinks Kate deliberately choreographed it as an entertainment piece because neither of them is especially skilled with hip hop, and reiterates that it was really good CONSIDERING, just in case we hadn't picked up that he's being lukewarm with his praise.

Tommy, the "martial arts man", is next to solo: to 'Blame It On The Boogie'. It's all a bit manic and flaily, but in a very controlled way, if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn't. One of Tommy's friends in the audience is holding his "GO!" sign upside down. Unless "og" is a supportive Swedish word, maybe?

Old Mandy solos next, to a piece of music I'm afraid I don't recognise (Des'ree frowns at you sir - Chris), but hers is all very jumpy and floaty and quite contemporary in style, and probably the strongest of the solo we've seen so far. She tells Cat that it was her seventh wedding anniversary on Tuesday, so apparently this is some sort of celebration of their love or something. I think we need to hear from Giant Lady at this point. (Oooooh, a whole SEVEN years *slow clap* - Giant Lady)

Cat promises that Mika will be around for the results show, in an apparent bid to sink the ratings, before introducing Lizzie and Alastair, our next couple. Alastair thought he was going on Saturday, and is humbled that so many people voted for him. I wonder what the vote tallies are actually like? Ugh, I'd forgotten about this bit: Alastair's VT sees him going out drinking with his brother, because he LIKES BEER even though he is a DANCER because he's A PROPER BLOKE and therefore probably LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH GIRLS and everything. Alastair's brother: "he's not forgotten where he's from. I'm so proud of him." And there I was thinking Mark was the contestant who kept suffering knocks to the head. Alastair doesn't know any other ballet dancers from Lancashire, but is still NOT A POOF, JUST TO CLARIFY. Meanwhile, Lizzie declares Baby Wars officially up and running by going to visit her class of adorable pre-teen dance students. They are very excited about their famous teacher. She brings back Alastair to meet them as well, and the girls are very excited about this, because he is a hot piece of ass, and even those who have not yet hit puberty are aware of this. Alastair and Lizzie are both suitably inspired by youth.

They're doing a contemporary routine to 'No Air', or a remix thereof. Alastair's shirt is entirely unfastened, because getting his nipples out worked out well for him last week. It's a solid performance, actually - I think Lizzie's probably proven to be the most adaptable of all the female contestants this year, and this routine is no exception. They appear to be fucking rather than fighting, since we all know that those are the only two variations of contemporary dance. Also, just like in Drew and Hayley's infamous Bed Routine, this one requires Lizzie to move Alastair, though she doesn't quite pull her lift off as smoothly as Hayley did. And really, when did you ever expect to see "Hayley did it better" in a recap? I didn't. (To be fair it might be because Hayley was twice the size of Drew and Lizzie is half the size of Alistair - Chris)

Cat reveals for the benefit of those who weren't standing by the judges' desk during the performance that Sisco was squealing incoherently throughout. How this differs from the way he sounds the rest of the time, I'm not sure. And to prove it: Sisco makes some sex noises, and says that they transported him to Cuba. God, I wish they'd left him there. He thought Alastair was convincing and sexy, and that Lizzie showed her versatility. He then blows a big obnoxious "MWAH!" to Rafael Bonachela, the choreographer. I swear, I am about this close from just ignoring Sisco's existence and recapping as though there are only three judges. Louise says that Lizzie never fails to amaze her and always delivers with sincerity, and thinks that she's getting stronger every week - as is Alastair, who has more to give, and Louise is looking forward to seeing him in the Matthew Bourne routine later. Arlene thinks that Alastair has been creeping through this competition on his "matinée idol looks" (certainly, the idea of supporting a gentleman that you find attractive is something that would never occur to Arlene) and that he hasn't adapted well to the styles he's been given, but "you adapted to this like a duck to water". Except ducks don't adapt to water, Arlene. It's kind of a large part of their lives from day one. She's also full of praise for Lizzie, calling her "spellbinding". Nigel says that it shows how everything can be subjective, because he thought the choreography was beautiful, but the dancing was only "quite good" because he didn't believe they were in love with each other. He thinks Lizzie's technique could be improved. Everyone else is aghast. Arlene says that her arm hairs were standing up. I wish she wouldn't make us think about those.

Solos? You betcha. Robbie the Stockport Spider is dancing to The Calling's 'Wherever You Will Go'. The only positive thing I can say about this song is that Drew Fuller is in the video, which is not being shown at this point, so I shall move along. Robbie's solo is kind of uninspiring, to be honest - there's a lot of running and kind of stopping in mid-run, punctuated with bits of gymnastics. It doesn't really do it for me.[/ruthiehenshall] Cat asks him about all the campaigning his family's been doing, and he talks about how they've been dressing up the dogs and making "edible support". That kind of sounds like a candy jockstrap, which is something that doesn't bear too much consideration. Cat decides to call his supporters the Stockport Massive, and on we go.

Then there's Yanet, who is shimmying to Jennifer Lopez's 'Let's Get Loud'. She's even looking kind of tired and distracted in this one, even though it's her being able to dance in her own style. I think she knows her time's up tonight, to be honest. That said, her end pose is amazing, as she does the splits and then just neatly bends one leg and tucks her foot behind her hand. Yanet tells Cat that she spoke to her mum this week, and her mum gave her the courage to carry on, and also told her to tell Sisco that she's not the weakest girl. I wish she'd spoken to me on the phone, I could've given her a few choice things to say to Sisco. Probably none of them broadcastable in a pre-watershed slot, admittedly. Cat asks Yanet what her mum's name is - I'm fairly certain Yanet's answer is "Elena", but Cat mangles her own attempt at pronouncing it anyway. CALL OFCOM!

Our final couple are both survivors from last week's dance-off: Mandy and Tommy. Tommy says that being in danger affects your mental state, and that Mandy has been in danger twice. So presumably she's now a raving loon. Oh, apparently not: she's just more determined now. Not to be outdone in Baby Wars, Mandy also wheels out her dance students, the Bright Sparks, who have been drafted in to campaign for her on the streets of...somewhere in south London, by the looks of it. Tommy gets a bit woobie-ish at this, because all of his supporters are at home in Sweden. He Skypes with his sister, who is sad not to be there with him, and then talks about how both of his parents died when he was quite young, and he and his sister had to look after each other. Mandy reiterates that neither of them have their families here (apparently her husband doesn't count as "family", which I'm sure he'll be thrilled about), but they just have to hope they can win over the public all the same. (Given that Tommy's family are dead and Mandy's are just in another country I thought that was... incredibly crass of her but shrug I love her this week so whatever - Chris)

Note that there was literally nothing about their routine in that video: it's a Broadway number, to 'There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This' from Sweet Charity (currently on at the Menier Chocolate Factory and featuring Friend of Tellybitching Tiffany Graves, plug plug). Their routine is pretty much what you'd come to expect from Broadway - lots of arm punctuation and leaps (and I don't mean that as a criticism, just that most Broadway routines on this show by their very nature tend to look at least moderately similar), but it fits the music nicely and is well-danced by both Tommy and Mandy, particularly the aerial cartwheels. They're also doing excellent face-acting, which Arlene reminded us was so important earlier on in the evening, so they get bonus points for paying attention.

Sisco's all "in danger? Last week? You two? Really? With my reputation?" - yes, Sisco, because neither of them were especially good last week. He thinks they're both amazing and versatile, capable of anything. ANYTHING. He says that if he doesn't see them in the finals, it's a crime. I would've thought that a Robbie/Alastair/Lizzie/Charlie final is the most likely result, so with any luck, he'll be horribly disappointed. (My desire to have Sisco disappointed isn't quite as great as my desire for people I actually like to get there. I know, I know... - Chris) Louise says they're both such accomplished dancers that they can pull anything off, but she's not sure that at this level in the competition, if they gave it enough pizazz. Arlene says that Broadway exposes technique because it needs attack and good feet, and she thought they adapted to the style, but no more than that - it was functional when it should have been fenomenal. Er, phenomenal. (FERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-NOMM-IN-UWWWWWWWWWW!) - Chris) Arlene's losing her alliterative touch. Nigel calls it the best dance of the night. There's a shot of Stephen Mear looking appreciative in the audience, so I'm guessing he choreographed it. He says that it was based on Bob Fosse trying to outdo Jerome Robbins in West Side Story. He asks them about various dance moves they were asked to do that I totally can't spell, and that they did them brilliantly. He thinks it sums up what the show is all about - a breakdancer doing classical steps and excelling. And also Mandy being there, stood next to him.

Final solos! Drew is dancing to 'Call Me' by Blondie, and has a gold telephone coming out of the crotch of his jeans. I'm not even kidding. Does it even matter what I say about the routine at this point? AMAZING. (The dancing was good too.) Drew hands the phone over to Cat, and she talks to his crotch, pretending George Clooney is on the other end. Cat asks "'proximately" how many pirouettes he can do on the spot. Drew doesn't know, since he's never counted, but the answer is probably "a lot".

Then Cheeky Charlie, who's rolling around on the floor to Timbaland ft. OneRepublic's 'Apologise'. It's an angry solo, and I feel like a broken record at this point, but the general vagueness in the way she moves is starting to annoy me a little bit. Finish your moves properly, Charlie! Charlie loves working with the choreographers, but is missing the lemon meringue pie her mum makes every Sunday. (Can her mum not bring it in? Lazy bint - Chris) Seems like a fair enough exchange, although if Kate Prince brought a lemon meringue pie to rehearsals, Charlie would be in absolute heaven.

Time for the guys to do their group number, and the show is so excited about having Matthew Bourne on board that he gets his own VT and everything: Drew calls him "the Steven Spielberg of dance" and Robbie enthuses about how Bourne's choreography is always new and innovative. They're doing the cygnet dance from his all-male Swan Lake, and Drew explains about how there's a comedy element and an animalistic element to it as well as a lot of very difficult technique. To illustrate this, Matthew Bourne shows Alastair how to stick his crotch out, "like you're saying something with it." (I was waiting for Drew to offer to use it as a telephone - Chris) No, really. Tommy loves Matthew Bourne's ideas, and Drew is excited to be performing such an iconic piece of choreography.

I'm sure this must have been pre-recorded, because there's no way in hell Drew would've had time to get fully made-up and costumed for this routine in the minute or so he would've had to do it. Not that it matters - the boys are all shirtless and wearing swan trousers, with their hair slicked back and black beaks suggested on their foreheads, and - now, I'm not a ballet fan, but I do enjoy samples of ballet in isolation, and this really is awesome. It's so much more impactful and interesting than the group number the girls got to do - and I don't mean this as any offence to the choreographer of the girls' routine, because I don't really see what could've been done to compete with this, which is basically famous in its own right, short of making them do the 'Single Ladies' dance or something. Anyway, the dance is awesome, and really technically challenging, and at the end they all stand and bow and look beautifully severe while the judges give them a standing ovation.

Cat goes to the judges for their final thoughts: Sisco thought that Mandy and Tommy and Lizzie and Alastair stood out, while Louise thinks that Lizzie and Alastair were the best, because they're getting better each week. Arlene thought the solos were the life and soul of the show, and Robbie redeemed a bad duet dance with a phenomenal solo (eh, agree to disagree, I guess), and Nigel thinks that the public should be worried because they've got a difficult job in deciding, because it's been so subjective, and calls Sisco "the school prefect" and Arlene "the Wicked Witch" in the process. Heh. Arlene professes to be "kind and loving and giving". I remain unconvinced.

Video recap: Alastair and Lizzie doing a contemporary routine despite there being No Air, Tommy and Mandy getting their Broadway on, Robbie and Yanet lindyhopping with scientific assistance, and Charlie and Drew clowning around.

That's it! Chris will be here with the results shortly to reveal who makes it through to the semi-final. SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!