Saturday night's all right for sniping

Auditions 2: 2nd April 2011

Previously: callbacks, golden tickets, people who are mostly deaf, mother-daughter teams of your nightmares, people who love Arlene, and competitive salsa couples getting split up for about thirty seconds' worth of drama.

Tonight: Cat informs us that this series is reaching the last two days of auditions. Possibly ever, judging by the ratings for last week's show. The pressure is starting to show, which means that we will have a Nigel/Sisco showdown later on (*rubs hands together in glee*), a Louise/Sisco showdown later on (*rubs hands together a little less gleefully*) and we'll see about five minutes' worth of choroegraphy camp in a manner that suggests they still haven't quite worked out the best way to televise the audition process. Oh, and someone's going to headbutt the floor quite viciously. [What? Sisco's annoying. Better that than the actual screen... - Chris]

SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE!

For those who weren't watching last week, Cat introduces the judges (Nigel is in LA, Arlene is in the West End, Louise is in the 1990s, and Sisco is intolerable) runs through the rules of the auditions again. My personal favourite part of this is the bit where the show clarifies us that if the judges say "no" (and a huge "NO" is displayed on the screen at this point, just so we're all clear), then the contestant will not proceed further in the competition. It's a shame that a series that doesn't feel the need to patronise its audience by overindulging in comedy bad auditions like The X Factor does instead feel the need to infantilise us by explaining what "no" means. (Perhaps that lesson would've been better spent on the people serving as jurors in last week's Hollyoaks Choose Your Own Rape Adventure.)

Our first dancer to audition tonight is Cat's "flexible friend" (that's quite enough of that, thank you Cat), Charlie Wheeller. The on-screen caption spells his surname with two ls - I have no idea if that's correct or if there was a typo in post-production, but since that's all I have to go on, that's how I'm going to spell it. Charlie tells us that he is 18 years old and from Southampton. Already I quite want him to win, since in the seemingly likely event that this show will not be back for a third series, at least it'd be nice and neat if both winners had the same name. Charlie is a contortion breakdancer. He tells us that he saw this guy on the internet putting his legs behind his head (haven't we all?) and decided that he wanted to do that. He has an awkward exchange with Cat before doing a handstand where he tucks his legs into each other and walks around, almost kicking Cat in the head as he dismounts. Cat tells him she's quite tempted to tickle him. I know what she means; I'm tempted to tickle everyone most of the time. It's because I've got long arms. Cat asks him how he'd fare if he had to do some salsa dancing, and Charlie tells her that he's "contemporary and ballet trained", so he could probably wing it. That's Cat told.

In the studio, Charlie dances for the judges, and displays some frankly astonishing contortion that makes me wonder if he actually has any bones at all. Midway through the routine, there's a shot of the judges as Nigel, Louise and Arlene all look enthralled, while Sisco's looking bored and flicking through the papers in front of him. You might wish to remember this a bit later when Sisco becomes Captain Polite Audition Etiquette out of nowhere. On the stage, Charlie continues to be ridiculously flexible and the crowd go nuts. Louise looks like she's about to throw up with excitement. Nigel tells him that he's "so unique" and "exciting to watch". Arlene thinks that what he does is special, "and seeing somebody that just looks like the little bouncing bright bubbly kid do it, it adds the cherry and the cream on the top of the cake." That's how Arlene would talk if she were Bill Cosby. Louise says that there were times when she couldn't watch, and other times when she couldn't tear herself away. Sisco thinks Charlie needs to go back to classes because his forte is the contortion and the tricks, but he thinks that's why Charlie's here, and he could be a legend in something like Cirque du Soleil. Nigel offers Charlie a golden ticket.

Next we go to someone "desperate for a second chance": it's Bethany Rose Harrison (20, from Devon), who apparently got "very close" last year and just missed out in a place on the live shows. I have no recollection of her, so I went back to check last year's audition recap, and she's mentioned in it once, in the context of "this person is given a name but I don't know where she came from." I suspect this narrative might've been slightly more affecting if they hadn't had to squeeze all the auditions and choreography camp into one episode last year. [I'm shocked we didn't get a round of Alexandra Burke pointing out later that Louis Walsh did exactly the same thing to her, AND NOW SHE IS THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IN THE GALAXY - Chris] Bethany says that the rejection gave her the strength [/bitterness - Chris] to work all year to come back again, and she's realised how much she wanted it.

She takes to the stage and Nigel "remembers" her, and Bethany tells Nigel that regardless of not getting on the show, the experience changed her life and showed her that she can be a better dancer. Bethany starts out with a contemporary routine to Keane's 'Somewhere Only We Know' and the first time I saw it my reaction was that it was very impressive, very precise and very expressive, but perhaps a teeny bit on the dull side. Bethany, however, has obviously anticipated this reaction and halfway through the song switches to Warrant's 'Cherry Pie', as Bethany demonstrates the sort of routine she might do for Poledance Week [oh sure, we didn't get a Poledance Week in HOTT Alistair's year but we'll get one now... - Chris] and delivers a routine that's more dynamic, energetic, and filled with hair-flipping sass. Smart thinking.

Nigel tells Bethany that worked for him (no kidding), and Arlene says that "the kitten turned into a panther", Louise tells her that it's good to have her back, and Sisco says that she's got her talent and her look down, and it was fantastic. Nigel has a golden ticket for Bethany, and the Department Of Ill-Advised Musical Cues lines up Katy Perry's 'Thinking Of You'. Why? Bethany says that she feels all her hard work over the past year has paid off.

This, of course, segues into a montage of auditionees who were not above flirting with the panel in the hopes of advancing in the competition. A handsome man bats his eyelids winningly at Arlene. Louise tells another chap she wants to see his smile again. A female Latin dancer in the sort of outfit that Aliona Vilani might consider "a tad skimpy" gets a wow from Nigel. Louise tells her that she'd just like to borrow that body for a day, prompting Nigel to cackle "me too!" A man comes on without a shirt, and Louise tells him not to bother covering up. A woman whirls her tits at Nigel. Another girl reminds Nigel of Katy Perry, so he asks her if she's ever kissed a girl. (She hasn't. Boring!) And then my lunch makes an unexpected trip back up my oesophagus as a male dancer waggles his arse at Sisco and Sisco basically falls off his chair leering at him. Arlene calls the guy out on flirting with Sisco, and he replies "do you blame me?" Blame, no. Judge, yes. The chap tries to rescue the situation by saying he was aiming to flirt with everyone, especially Nigel, because Nigel's his favourite. Sisco squeaks in affront at this, and the guy tries to cover with "after you, obviously!" And then they all went off and had an orgy, the end [of humanity as we know it - Chris].

Oh boy. Our next auditionee is Mary Swift (54, from London), who is surprised to hear that she's the oldest dancer in the competition. She seems very sweet, but hopelessly delusional. Nigel asks her for her age, and the audience give her a round of applause when they hear. Nigel: "My God, if you get a round of applause for being 54, I'll get a standing ovation." He asks her if she thinks she "stand[s] an opportunity of moving on in this competition." Wow, that was quite a mangled sentence. Mary thinks that she does. Nigel continues to express some reservation about Mary's suitability for the competition in light of her age, and Sisco sneers "you told me age wasn't nothing but a number." Actually, Sisco, I think you'll find it was Aaliyah who told you that. Also, since Sisco told someone last week that he was over the hill at 33, I'm thinking that Sisco can shut up. But then I'm always thinking that.

The music kicks in ('Billie Jean') and Mary touches her toes a few times, then for reasons best known to Mary and only Mary, turns to face stage left and just wiggles her bum up and down. Sisco's all smiles and bopping to the track, while Nigel snips "okay, you judge" to the others and leaves the room. Mary continues in her own little world as Louise looks on sympathetically, and Arlene smiles in a "my instincts as an older woman in the media want me to be on your side but GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS" sort of way. Louise tells Mary that she can probably see from Nigel's exit that it wasn't working - she thinks it's great that Mary enjoys dancing, but that she basically wasted everyone's time by turning up. I like that Louise, despite clearly being cast as "the nice judge", really isn't one for sugarcoating. Sisco apologises on Nigel's behalf just as Nigel re-enters, and Nigel tells Sisco not to apologise on his behalf because he can speak for himself. Nigel continues by saying that allowing Mary on the show makes a mockery of the whole programme, and loses the integrity of the people (*gestures to audience*) who work so hard to make it as dancers. [And whose fault is that Nigel? It's not as though she snuck her way in hiding under Sisco's Power-Cloak - Chris] The audience claps, and Arlene voices her agreement. Sisco says that Mary came here and enjoyed herself, and that with respect to Nigel, he didn't think that reaction was necessary, and he hopes it didn't dishearten Mary. Oh Sisco. Mary wasn't even looking at the panel, I don't think she even noticed Nigel was gone. Mary exits, and vows to come back next year. Suddenly I'm glad that series three is a remote possibility at best.

Montage of "eccentric" auditions. Some of them are obviously shit, although most of them don't actually seem that bad out of context.

Cat intones that the judges were feeling pretty low at this point, but here's one dancer who knows how to soldier on and has come to lift their spirits. Ryan Jenkins (27, from the Isle of Wight originally, now lives in London) has worked in musical theatre with Arlene Phillips (that's not his sob story, just to clarify) and will be dancing contemporary today. He tells us that he's been through a lot, because he lost his brother to cancer on Ryan's birthday. How selfish of his brother not to hang on a day or two more. I mean, I don't mean to be flippant, but "HE DIED OF CANCER ON MY BIRTHDAY!" is a prime example of how not to do a sob story, because it kind of makes it sound like you're more annoyed that it happened on your birthday than you are about your brother dying of cancer. Had Ryan just left those three words out, I'd probably be feeling significantly more sympathetic than I am currently. Ryan adds that he also lost his mum a few years ago. No unnecessary details are added here, so perhaps he's learning already. Obviously as a result of all of this, Ryan's dad means a lot to him, and so Ryan's very honoured that his dad is here to watch him audition today, especially as he's getting older and can't travel to see him perform as much as he used to.

Ryan dances a contemporary piece for the judges to 'Colorblind' by Counting Crows. Despite there being one or two instances of overly-literal choreography within the piece, it's pretty good. Nigel tells Ryan that he has magnificent lines and he brings everything to the table, with emotions and great technique. Ryan reminds everyone that his dad's in the audience, and his dad gets a round of applause. Nigel tells Ryan that he's looking forward to seeing him do a happy dance. I suggest this one. Arlene hands Ryan his golden ticket, and tells him it's been a long time coming.

Montage of other talent: Regan Shepherd (20, from Basildon), who Arlene thinks Can Indeed Dance, Danielle Cato (24, from Farnborough), and Louise tells her that some dancers could train for many years and still not be as good as Danielle is. There's also Megan Preston (20, from Chester), who gets through, and Shane Collard (24, from Perth, Australia), who gets Sisco's approval. Daniel Ovel (22, from Hereford), wears a tie that gets in the way of his routine a bit, but his talent shines through and Nigel tells him he linked it together brilliantly, and Arlene thinks he's different in a very good way. Then we see Regan again for some reason.

Next up is Ben Woods (19, from Morecambe), which he thinks is a very boring place to live. You see he works in a factory (he needs the money), he doesn't want to be late (though he hates this place). Again, as sob stories go, "I live by the seaside and work in a factory" isn't really cutting the mustard. Ben says that his dream to be a bodypopper came from watching videos on YouTube. He taught himself how to dance, and says that he practices "in the shadows, where no one can see me." I don't really understand why he feels this is necessary. Is Morecambe currently the setting for a remake of Footloose? Is John Lithgow going to kick his ass if anyone finds out that he's a secret bodypopper? Ben goes on to say that if he's going home at night and there's a streetlight, he'll dance under it and use his shadow to watch his movement. Seriously, dude: get a mirror. He says that he just wants to be a dancer, and Cat tells us that with no formal training, Ben has "risked everything" for his audition. He explains to Cat that he got laid off from his job in order to do the audition for the show. Cat's all "that's a lot of pressure on our show, dude."

Ben bodypops to 'Pass That Dutch' by Missy Elliott. His bodypopping's good, but I don't feel big things are in store for him on this show because he's not...moving very much. And doesn't really look as though he can. Arlene thinks she's watching a "male version of Flashdance" having heard his story, and thinks every young teenager will fall in love with him. Louise thinks she just wants to see him do well and tells him to imagine himself dancing on a big stage in front of thousands. Nigel tells him that the next stage could prove difficult for him, because he's not experienced choreography before - he hopes that Ben will surprise them by picking it up, but wants Ben to be aware of the challenge that awaits him.

Callbacks! The dancers are paired up as couples (I spot the dude who was macking on Sisco, so he obviously got at least this far), and if they impress the judges, they'll get a golden ticket and proceed to choreography camp, but if not, they'll be CUT FOREVER. Unfortunately, Ben goes to pieces in the choreographed number and is clearly not up to the same standard as his peers. Arlene says that she wishes she could give him everything he wants, because he's worked so hard and created his own special way of dancing, but it's not enough to take him forward. She hopes he can find a scholarship to keep on dancing and perhaps come back next year, and urges him to keep practising in the meantime. Sisco tells Ben that every time he's in London doing a masterclass, Ben can come for free. That's very helpful, Sisco, considering Ben lives IN MORECAMBE. Ben vows to return next year.

In his absence, the callbacks continue, and lots of dancers get through, including Regan and Daniel who we saw briefly earlier.

It's the last day of auditions now, and we're back at Television Centre with another crowd of hopefuls obstructing the pavement outside. On the way to the stage, Nigel says he hopes there will be no arguments today. Fat chance. We're "treated" to a flashback of his fight with Sisco, even though it happened less than half an hour ago.

Oh God. Starting the day off are obnoxious hipsters JJ and James (didn't they win series three of The Restaurant?) James is apparently into popping and locking (is that even legal?), and JJ says that they're funk stylists first and foremost [I couldn't begin to tell you what I think they are first and foremost - Chris], but mumblemumblemumble. Seriously, these two speak like they're having one of those dodgy speech therapy treatments that Colin Firth was undergoing in The King's Speech before Helena Bonham Carter found Geoffrey Rush in the phonebook. James is all "I even like morris dancing, ho ho ho IRONIC AND SHIT."

They dance for the judges, at which point we discover their full names are James Pullum (24) and Jon-Jo Inkpen (23, both from Colchester). James begins with a slightly sloppy but still impressive series of backflips, while JJ does some acrobatics and ends with a split that would look a lot better if he weren't wearing douchenozzly hipster trousers with the crotch dangling around his knees. They're not that great - the routine, once the opening acrobatics have subsided, is a bit generic and James is clearly behind the beat at times. They end with some solos, including James doing a pirouette that lands awkwardly and seems to involve some hasty freestyling to make it look deliberate.

Sisco tells JJ that he left James behind, and he wishes he could've just cut James out of the equation and just watched JJ. Not that Sisco is ever rude or dismissive to anyone, of course. Louise thinks that's harsh. Sisco tells James that his pirouettes were hunchbacked, at which point Arlene objects and asks him to do them again, which he does: better this time, obviously. Sisco's all "can I finish now?" Arlene: "No, you've said enough." HA! Nice one, Arlene. Louise votes yes to both, as does Arlene. Nigel and Sisco both vote yes to JJ and no to James, but it doesn't matter, because they're both through to callbacks.

Up next is Sophie Cook (23, from Bath, currently living in Kent), who is very nervous and has stolen Toyah Willcox's hair from the '80s. Sophie tells us that she will be performing "a lyrical commercial kind of contemporary fusion", and she hopes the judges won't be too mean because she's "bricking it". Nigel asks her if she's styled herself today, and she has, unsurprisingly.

Sophie dances very well, but the focus very much seems to be on her hair, which Nigel likens to "a blonde Davy Crockett hat", and since she too is sporting the obnoxious dangling crotch in her trousers, Nigel's concerned that it makes her legs look even shorter. Sisco says he's "going to be real". As RuPaul's Drag Race has taught us, this is a euphemism for "I am going to shit-talk you until the cows come home." He tells Sophie that she needs a new look, because that mullet isn't doing it. Louise asks to interject, but Sisco shuts her down, and tells Sophie that she's got technique and performance, but the look is a big distraction, and he's saying this because the way you present yourself is very important - she looks dated and it doesn't do her any favours. This, just in case you've lost track, is all coming from Sisco, who has turned up to every audition so far looking like Planet Hollywood threw up on him in 1993. Louise, finally permitted to speak, points out that Sophie might not like how Sisco looks, and it's a personal thing. Which is kind of a dumb response, because (a) clearly no one likes how Sisco looks and (b) Sisco's point, gratingly-made as it was, was that as a jobbing dancer, you can be dismissed for the most trivial of reasons and it's in your best interests to present yourself in such a way that doesn't detract from your performance. Anyway, they bicker for a bit, pointlessly, and eventually Louise tells Sophie that she "enjoyed your dancing, anyway". All four judges put her through to callbacks. Sophie exits and is all "...wow." As well she might be. Sisco, still looking like Ronald McDonald in drag, embarks on another rant about the importance of image in this business of dance. Sometimes I suspect he can't actually hear himself, because if he can: why? Louise smirks that Sisco's probably forgotten that he used to dance behind her back in the day. Sisco: "She knew about the commercial field, I know about the commercial field." Oh for fuck's sake, get over it, both of you.

Cat introduces a montage of "remaining" dancers telling us how long they've been at it (one of whom I'd swear is Regan, who has already auditioned and got through to choreography camp, but whatever), which segues into the audition of Scott Rayson (48, from Bath), who is old. He thinks electricity emanates from his body when he dances. Cat asks him if he has the stamina, and he tells her that when he goes to the gym, he works out for 3-4 hours. Crikey. He performs for the judges in a fairly amateurish fashion, with a routine that involves a lot of stretching with a towel. Arlene cackles at the ridiculousness of it all. Nigel asks if the towel is supposed to represent nunchucks. Scott explains that he flaps his open shirt as a cooling system. Sisco calls it "bizarre". Arlene says it was "a little unusual". Nigel says that by all means, Scott can enjoy himself in a social setting [thanks Nigel - Social Settings The World Over], but he has no place in a competitive dance show. [And yet here he is. - Chris]

Montage of also-rans, which segues into the judges listing their pet hates. Sisco hates naff hairstyles (HA!), Louise hates people who dance too much with their faces, Nigel hates people who blow kisses or wink at him, and Sisco hates contestants who don't understand hip hop. Arlene is not featured in this VT, so we'll just assume that her pet hate involves Alesha Dixon somehow.

Up next is Fernando Rivero (18, from Spain), who used to do a lot of acrobatics, and has been a hip hop choreographer in Spain and is now starting out here doing the same thing. He is tiny and adorable. Nigel asks him how long he's been in the country, and the answer is "one month". Heh. Fernando tells Nigel that he represented Spain in the gymnastics world championships. He dances to 'Halo' by Beyoncé and it's a bit...insular, for want of a better word. He does some awesome tumbles (including one that turns into the splits, HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE) but the dancing itself is not so great.

Louise tells him that he's adorable, but there wasn't much dancing in his performance. Nigel agrees with Louise, and says that he wanted to see much more dancing. He doesn't think Fernando is ready for this show yet. Arlene thinks Fernando has rhythm and feeling and charm, which Nigel disagrees with. Sisco says that he agreed with Nigel until Nigel said that Fernando wasn't ready for this season (which: what? He agreed that there was almost no dancing in there, but still thinks Fernando is ready for this competition? Whatever, Sisco) and thinks Fernando is a breath of fresh air and raw talent. He wants Fernando to stay and prove Nigel wrong. It's a no from Louise and Nigel, but a yes from Sisco and Arlene, so Fernando is through to callbacks, with a warning from Arlene that he's not to let her down. The Department of Obvious Musical Cues lines up Abba's 'Fernando'. Fernando vows to dance and learn the choreography. "I will be in the show so okay, bye!" Heh.

Cat tells us that it's been a tough day with no golden tickets, but 21 dancers have made it through to callbacks for one last chance. Fernando and Sophie are partnered together, and we get a flashback of Louise and Sisco's argument about Sophie's look, as Sophie ties her hair up in an attempt at a quick fix. Sisco approves of the new look and thinks she looks "like a little button". How patronising. They dance, and Fernando gets a golden ticket. Sophie left the judges unsure, so she's paired up again with someone else to repeat the routine, and gets through this time.

JJ and James are in the final group. Arlene tells James that he was behind the time in his first hip hop routine, but because he danced so well now, he's got a golden ticket - but he must NEVER GET OUT OF TIME AGAIN. Of course, JJ gets a golden ticket as well. They're joined by a lot more people who we've never seen before. Hooray! I guess.

We now move to Choreography Camp at the Excel Centre, where the dancers will have to learn jazz, hip hop, broadway and contemporary routines and perform them for the judges, and if they don't deliver, they'll be cut. Nigel (sporting some lovely knitwear) talks excitedly about the level of pressure at this point.

While everyone's waiting to get started, someone is not feeling well: 24-year-old contemporary dancer Edgar Flores, who apparently charmed the judges on Day 2, but not enough for them to actually show us his audition before now. Edgar blames his ill feeling on a below-par breakfast, but hopes to be able to perform regardless.

Nigel calls everyone to the stage and tells them that they are the "class of 2011", who should look upon choreography camp as a "university of dance". There are about 70 dancers there, who will need to be cut down to a Top 20. Nigel advises them all not to waste a single second of their performance time for their solos. Things seem to start well, but by the contestants' own admission, the standard seems to drop in the latter half of the proceedings. One of the last to perform solo is contemporary dancer Lauren Okadigbo (26, from Finland), whose performance goes disastrously wrong when she fails to land a jump properly and whacks her head on the stage. Even Nigel visibly recoils when it happens. She goes off to get checked for a concussion, but seems to be okay and jokes that her pride was injured more than her face was. Also in the wars is Edgar, whose body is cramping up. He too is checked over by the medic and given the go-ahead to continue, but advised to have some food and rest.

Nigel calls everyone back to the stage, and informs the assembled hopefuls that some people who they had at the top of their lists are tumbling down, and Sisco adds that the judges don't understand how people can turn up and only give 50%, because they're supposed to be the best. Nigel says that a few of them will be cut right now, and lists three names: Devon Smith, Yasmin Croche and Donny Fiero (I think), who are told to come to the front, and sent home there and then. Ooh, harsh.

Everyone else stays for a hip hop choreography session, which choreographer Simeon Qysea thinks will sort the able from the less able. Sisco points out that there's floor work in the routine, which is difficult for some dancers who aren't aware of their own body weight. Chris and I swear at this point that we can see last year's runner-up Tommy assisting Simeon in the choreography, but he's not namechecked by the show at any point, so maybe we're just seeing things. [IT WAS HIM! STILL LOVE YOU TOMMY x x x - Chris] Lee Payne, who auditioned with a tap routine last week, says it's hard for him as he's not a natural hip hop dancer, and Charlie agrees that it's tough. Also feeling the pressure is 20-year-old b-boy Lee Crowley, who apparently we saw last week, who hit his head while performing on stage two days before Choreography Camp started, and also came down with food poisoning (another one? Sheesh, it's like Drop Dead Gorgeous on this show all of a sudden). He admits that partner work and choreography is a new experience for him, but he vows to give it "150%".

Nigel raises the stakes by bringing in a special guest judge, "currently the UK's hottest female soloist" - Alexandra BURKE. Ryan is very excited to see her, but also very nervous. Alexandra says that she's looking for a connection between herself and the dancers, and a trier will always win for her. Some of the contestants fret that they're not hip hop dancers.

In group 1, Lee Payne is paired with Katie Love. Louise tells Lee that he clearly struggled to be choreographed, while even though it wasn't Katie's comfort zone, she attacked it and injected it with a bit of swag, so Lee's leaving us and Katie's sticking around. Lee says that he came here to find out if he's a good enoughh tap dancer for the world to see, and feels like his first audition has shown that.

More people struggle with hip hop, and special guest judge Alexandra BURKE breaks the bad news to those who are being cut loose. One girl very politely thanks the judges for everything. By 5pm, 11 dancers have been cut, but 59 very grateful contestants are still in the game. Lauren is one of them, and she's very happy about it. Lee is also still there, and says that he needs to work on connecting with his partner, and plans to practise that tonight. Stephanie Powell (27, from London) wants a bath, and tap dancer Matt wants a hug. Alexandra BURKE says that she'd invite about 40% of the dancers to dance with her, and there was magic in the room even for those who aren't hip hop specialists.

Lee and Edgar are sharing a hotel room, and remark on their good fortune. Lee tells us that the stitches in his head are a lot better (I assume he means the wound itself; I can't imagine the stitches have changed much) and Edgar says that he has to deliver and give everything.

Next week! Moar choreography camp, an all-night challenge, and the Top 20 will be revealed. SHOOGABOOGACANDANCE