Sunday, 27 March 2011

So You Think You Can Audition?

Auditions 1: 26th March 2011

Previously on So You Think You Can Dance : Fabia Cerra (remember her?), Professor Deckchair, Sisco forever ruining the word "phenomenal" for me, the Latin Curse only being broken by sheer Yanet-fierceness, everybody who ever watched Strictly spending the first few weeks scratching their heads going "hang on, this isn't ballroom as I have been led to believe it exists", Giant Lady telling Lizzie to get over herself, Bed Dance, Frank Gatson being a bitch, Kate Prince being an abomination, Queen Mandy's awesome solos, HOTT Alistair dripping sweat everywhere and being grumpy and gross and still HOTT, Nigel making the amazing executive decision to bring over the worst choreographer of the American version (THANKS NIGEL!) over to do a routine, Hayley declaring the music of Chris Brown stupid and retarded and the public thinking this is a BAD thing, Cancer Dance, Drew yelling "JUDY JUDY JUDY!", Drew's gold cock-phone, Drew being amazing and yet not winning somehow (*looks at British public with the side-eye*), Swan Lake, the worst Paso Doble ever in the history of the world ever, Robbie crippling himself and Nigel thinking it made awesome tv, Lizzie being high off her ass in the finale screaming about conquering America, Charlie somehow winning let's move on...

Oh and these recaps. Hello.

We open this year's round of fun, splits, and the most obvious "under the bus"ing in the whole of reality tv, with a ticking clock and Cat solemnly intoning that the wait is over! Britain's biggest dance show is BACK! What, we're on another series of Strictly already? Shit, I haven't even done a preview entry about it ye...oh, no, wait, apparently this is Britain's biggest dance show. Don't stop believin', Cat. There then follow lots of clips of people throwing themselves around, notionally dancing, and crying like they're Artem Chigvintsev or something. Also it looks like Nigel tells Sisco to fuck off at some point (*rubs hands together*). Cat tells us that this year the talent is HOTTer than ever. I can't believe any of them are going to be as hot as HOTT Alistair was, but we shall see.


I've missed singing (/garbling) that so much it almost makes the rest of this auditions show worthwhile.

We open, as is customary with Audition Shows, with lots of people screaming down the camera lens outside BBC Television Centre at the behest of a producer. Woo! Auditioning! It's amazing! I'm so happy I made it this far! Cat, having scrunched up some old wrapping paper and called it a scarf, welcomes us and tells us that they're looking for Britain's Favourite Dancer. And I'm sure BBC Television Centre is a good place to start, as Robert Webb is no doubt in the middle of filming something in there. The doors are opened and everyone runs through them, screaming their anonymous asses off again some more! Woo! I made it through the front door! I've been on such a journey.

When I auditioned for Only Connect there was none of this screaming shit I can tell you that now. [Speak for yourself. - Steve]

Cat runs through the prizes for us - £50,000 and the chance to dance on the US Final (apparently Charlie went down rather well. I always said Americans had no taste) - and tells us that the cream of UK dance talent has journeyed from all over the UK for this, the average prize-fund for an episode of Ant n Dec's Push The Button. If you randomly burst into salsa there, it'd probably have the same net effect as winning this show, and it'd be a whole lot less effort. Although if you did that you'd not get to meet POP LEGEND Louise, so *makes scales gesture*

Oh yeah, the judges : Hollywood mogul Nigel Lythgoe (driving through LA with his top down and his system up naturally, wagging his finger about what a meanie he's going to be), Award-Winning choreographer and self-proclaimed "tough old bird" Arlene Phillips (lurking around an abandoned theatre groaning about how she wants the contestants to make her scream and shout and moan and bang her head against the...oh wait she's talking about the dancing. For once), attention-seeking malcontent Sisco (inside the studio talking about what a bad-ass bitch he is whilst wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy clip-on bow tie cum ascot), and "pop phenomenon Louise" (a ha ha ha, yeah, ok). Nigel closes this cavalcade of eccentrically-dressed tittery by saying that the dancers this year are going to have to be MUCH better than last series, because the show needs to find the very best dancers(/capture the public imagination in any way whatsoever, at all, even a little bit) to get a third series.

Oh, and if we can pick a boy winner so the show doesn't have to blow half its budget on hiring security to protect them from Arlene thinking they're going to usurp her spot on the judging panel, he'd be most grateful.

In a step up from last year, Cat then actually explains how the auditions work! Yay! Knowledge is power! So...contestants will dance and then be herded into one of three different groups :

No - this means you are going home, and if you weren't super-gay or foreign, or both, you're not even going to be on tv

Callbacks - this means the judges want to continue to dick around with you in order to make some sort of point about something. You'll come back at the end of the day and dance again


(NB : The Golden Ticket montage shows at least one person reacting to getting a Golden Ticket, when in fact they were put in the Callbacks group. Just saying.)

Golden Tickets and Callbacks who they're creating a storyline for will advance to Choreography Camp and the chance to have James Jordan yell at them. Fun!

It's business time!

First up is (Matt Flint, 29, Scarborough, Halifax Radio Hottie) who is a tapper. And he's already in with a great chance of winning, as tap dancing just broke the heretofor unbreakable stranglehold of D-List comedy acts winning "Let's Drag Up For Comic Relief". Also, he's not exactly hideous. He tells us that he started dancing when he was 13 and has been at it for 15 years, so in the dance-world he's a geriatric. We're shown him soulfully walking on the beach, bashfully smiling about how dance really gives him a chance to express his innermost secret feelings, like the show wants us to fancy him or something.

In the room, he does a nice-enough tap routine with a little bit of jumping around to "In The Basement" by Etta James whilst Sisco gazes at him like a total sex-pervert. [I have to say, I cooled on Matt a little bit purely for wearing a hat that made him look like Olly Murs. - Steve] Who knew that Sisco had a thing for milquetoast tappers? Maybe it's the fact that he's wearing a stupid hat and an ill-fitting shirt that draws his eye so? Louise boogies in her seat a little, and when he's finished Arlene leaps to her feet screaming and twitching her nethers around a bit. Nigel says he loved it because it was down into the floor, which is Nigel's favourite type of tap-dancing, Arlene calls him exciting, Louise says "yeah, what Nigel said" but with added panting and blushing, and then Sisco flings his phone-number at him on a screwed up bit of paper and faints. Matt's getting a Golden Ticket and a couple of STDs tonight!


Next up is (Stephanie Powell, 27, London, sexy Emily Mortimer) and is a professional (boo hiss!) dancer working in London. She tells us she's going to be giving us samba, and really wants the opportunity to work with lots of world-reknowned choreographers in lots of different styles, and this competition is the only place where she can do that. Nigel beams at her all "thanks for regurgitating the press pack and hence feeding my ego darling". Little suck-up. He tells her that he's keeping her fingers crossed in the hope that she's good. At what, he doesn't say.

Anywho, Stephanie has brought a slave-boy zombie to partner her in the dance, which mostly involves a veritable panoply of butt-shaking, pin-working and arm-waggling. Sisco and Nigel scream back and forth across the lady judges about how good she is, whilst Arlene has the frozen face of an Octogenarian post-mistress stuck in a lift with Tinie Tempah. She's in awe, and slightly terrified, and maybe a little aroused by Stephanie's hot backing Slave-Zombie. It's a potent mix to be sure. Once Stephanie's done, and her Slave-Zombie is returned to the crypt, everyone gushes like a burst fire-hydrant over her, telling her she's a shoo-in for the Top Ten, so wonderful for deigning to give up her paid work to come do this little show, and just an all round amazing human being and humanitarian. Stephanie and her Army Of The Undead advance then, no doubt to tell us all how she really enjoys changing partners every week, as it really allows her to show off her versatility, and that's what makes So You Think You Can Dance so am...blah blah blah.

Cat says that these two amazing dancers and personalities are the day "getting off to a great start" and that the magic then continues for a bit. Cue montage of (Bruce Aguilar-Rohan, 20, Northampton, Hair Like A Horse's Mane), (Daniel Thompson, 22, Gloucester, Another Victim Of Ill-Fitting Shirts), (Lee Payne, 34, West Sussex, Bad-Ass Ancient Tapper) all advancing via the magic of Golden Tickets. Everyone's so amazing! What could possibly stop the magic?

Why, it's mother and daughter super-team (Shanelle, 21, London, Minor Skins Character) and (Cordell, 45, The Black Lagoon, the Black Bet Lynch). Shanelle is currently bumping and grinding in the carpark, whilst her mother, oozing crazy out of every pore, tells Cat that they arrived at the studios at 7:36am. If only Cordell would show this degree of accuracy and diligence in...anything else in her life. She brazens to Cat that her daughter will get through to Choreography Camp because she's got the swagger, the wiggle, the woggle and indeed, "everyting". Cat's all "what a woggle? Is that a racist thing? Are we going to have to edit that out? Can I say woggle?" and Cordell's all "I just made it up, that's how exciting I am", Cat blathers on about Beyoncé because that is a black person she has heard of who is doing things recently, then she, Shanelle and Cordell grind around like idiots as Crazy In Love plays til the film on the cameras runs out.

Inside it is revealed that both Shanelle and Cordell are auditioning, and at the same time as well, with Shanelle dressed up as Carnival-Time, and Cordell as the 80s drag-queen who actually ate shit Divine. Shanelle giggles about how she and her mum dance all the time in the clubs, and I kind of want to throw a blanket over Shanelle's head and bundle her into a car and away from this madness, to save her from this life of becoming Cordell, but it's probably too late anyway. Shanelle then makes matters worse by claiming that she shakes her hips like "Sha-Carer". I think she means "a carer". Which in a way, she kind of is. Cordell claims she's more like Beyoncé, and Shanelle can't even summon up the gumption to give a proper "my mother eh?" to camera. Shame, if you'd screamed "SEND FOR HELP!" with your eyes loud enough, the Social might have sent someone round.

They audition, to that Alexandra Burke joint where she talks about her dripping vagina to a Floella Benjamin beat, and they're both dreadful, but Cordell is so dreadful the judges throw Shanelle a sympathy solid, and ask her to come back to Callbacks, so Louise can give her some leaflets and tell her it's alright, she owes no loyalty to this thing. Nigel flirts with Cordell (a decision which I will imagine he'll repent at leisure for), Arlene hoots that the Notting Hill Carnival has come to Shepherd's Bush (a MASSIVE journey there), and Louise tells Cordell to sort her life out and stop bothering her.

Outside Cordell says that she's proud for her daughter (LIE!) and that she wishes her all the best in the next round, as Shanelle grins about how she wishes mummy could have moved on with her. Maybe so she wouldn't have to put the locks on her bedroom door again tonight.

Next up is (Katie Love, 24, Worcester, The One From Spooks Who Ros Shot In The Face), and a contemporary dancer, who has decided that the way to go in this competition is to hoover up to Arlene and never let go. Having been around showbiz for more than long enough now, Arlene is 1% flattered, 99% suspicious. It doesn't help that Katy pursues this path of flattery by saying "old-school" a million times and getting a bit Single White Female about just how like Arlene she is. Maybe she can borrow one of Arlene's tops some time? (*hrnk hrnk hrnk*)

For her audition she's throwing herself around the floor to (the hideous, presumptive, hinking, 3rd-form politickery of) "Dear Mr President" by Pink, quite limply. Arlene moans "nice", although this may just be because she's planning to harvest Katie Love's organs and use them to keep her ass alive if she thinks she's so much like Arlene. Once Katie's done flopping around, Arlene praises her for her delicacy and power, and says that was almost faultless. Sisco and Nigel both praise her for not trying to be interesting at any point (/being understated and not "battering through the music") and of course she's through. Arlene gives her her Golden Ticket, and Katie actually curtseys to her. Whatever, Katie Love.

Next up? (Tomasz Wisniewski, 26, Poland, Astrid The Space Pirate's Younger Brother). Words alone cannot do justice to his ensemble. There's a blonde mohawk, some red carvings in the side of his scalp that look frankly scabby, a yellow vest, chunky yellow belt, pastel blue denim hot-pants and shiny blue tie. He does some hi-NRG twitching and gurning around the corridors of Television Centre, like the Polish Louie Spence, before Cat restrains his ass for just long enough for him to admit that he's here as a joke audition and wants to be a tv presenter, specifically on this show, like this is any place to start. And yet we're still going to waste time on him why? Cat laughs that he's come for her job, and she'll arm-wrestle him for it right here right now, because seriously, who couldn't take Tomasz in an arm-wrestle?

Out to the stage he goes, where Nigel asks him what style of dance Tomasz has studied. Tomasz basically replies "Attention-Seeking" and then whitters on about how he wants Cat's job again forever, until Nigel forces him to actually dance so we can all go home, and then Tomasz Wisniewski body-pops to "When Love Takes Over" and it's kind of...majestic. He rubs his nipples over and over again then just flings his arms and legs around any old how. This is probably how I dance, although if it is, don't tell me. [My lips are sealed. - Steve] All the judges throw their arms around like they're in an imaginary rave, with Louise working Arlene's arms for her, because Arlene is old. Tomasz ends of course, on his bended knees with a hand covering his face, because OF COURSE HE DOES.

Sisco starts by calling it "living to the max" (Sisco says "living" a lot this episode, because he's trying to make it happen. I'm only highlighting it this once, because I'm not) and says that he really would like Tomasz to keep on doing his thing, because it's fab and needs to be happening in the Universe, although preferably not where Sisco has to see it. Word, Sisco. Louise wants Tomasz to be her gay friend and maybe appear in a Wii advert with her, and Arlene suggests he try out for these young person's raves she's been hearing about, but obviously, Tomasz and So You Think You Can Dance must part ways here. Ah well.

After what looks like my aunt rolls around the floor in a pink dress and tiara (I really hope it isn't - I'll ask her) the judges take a quick Nandos break, giving Cat the chance to show off her personality by bothering people in the queue to dance with her. It's like Len's Masterclass on It Takes Two, but somehow worse. Cat's likeable people! Like her! [At least Cat actually manages to sound sincere and enthusiastic. Dermot O'Leary could take a few pointers from her. - Steve]

Next up is (Kirsty Swain, 29, Surrey, Glamorous Lady Of Wrestling) who is a dance-teacher and a total over-dancer. If Katie Love was restrained and powerful like a fine caviar, Kirsty Swain is overseasoned and crunchy like a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. And I know which I prefer. She's a dance teacher she tells us. I hope being a "dance teacher" on this show isn't the equivalent of being a "singing teacher" on X Factor. Anyway, she crunks around the boiler-room of Television Centre (almost bumping into the Strictly judges filming an insert for next series probably) giggling that she feels like Louie Spence. We then see her teaching kids "from 3 to 16" the ways of the over-dance as Professor Green pulses ridiculously in the background, before we

*record needle slip* into Adele soundtracking her reality show sob-story, as Kirsty Swain is partially deaf. In both ears. She quarter-sobs that she was born this way (ADD A NEW VERSE GAGA!) and that nobody even noticed she was deaf until she was 12, because she's just that awesome. She says that she gets by by lip-reading and it's just part of who she is. Well that was a U-Turn for the even better. Half-deaf, born this way, over-dancer Kirsty Swain for the win please.

Out to the stage now where Nigel ascertains that Kirsty is half-deaf, currently lip-reading, and also that she dances by hearing the vibrations in the sound, like Evelyn Glennie explained to us 50 times in the 90s. This prompts Nigel to call her an inspiration and demand that she GO FOR IT!

Which she does, to "Make Me" by Janet Jackson, and by "GO FOR IT!", I mean over-dance terrifyingly, with little leg-pumps and mental grins and Hammer-dancer and slides and hair-tosses. Nigel screams at Sisco, like he is the one who is deaf, about how great her musicaility is, and Louise pops in unbidden to say that it's because of all the bass in the music. Yes dear. Meanwhile, Arlene looks at Kirsty like she's utter vomitous trash. Oh here we go...

Nigel starts by calling Kirsty very old-fashioned and saying that she needs to control her face, before Arlene swings in like a wrecking ball to say that she offers nothing, has no technique, no strength and also is fat. The audience boo the heck out of Arlene, before Kirsty tells them all to calm down, because she is totally fat, but only because she's been teaching cute children how to dance, but she still does get work, honest. Arlene then just calls Kirsty fat and old again. We close with Sisco and Louise voting her through to Callbacks Round, whilst Arlene pouts. Nigel just shrugs at her as if to say "it's alright, we'll get her later".

Next up, a montage of Sisco and Louise arguing, with Sisco sniding at Louise repeatedly that she's too nice, like he didn't just put through the fat deaf old lady doing the Hammer Dance (NOT REALLY KIRSTY, LOVE YOU). Everyone acts like this is interesting, Sisco calls Louise a simpering prinny, Louise says that Sisco is trying way too hard to be the mean judge, and then we confirm this with a clip of Sisco telling some 33 year old that his life is over and that he should just crawl into a gutter and die now. Woo. Let's move on. [Team Louise, obviously. - Steve]

7:00pm now, and auditions are drawing to a close, but we've still got time to visit the house of (Paige Smith, 18, Wolverhampton, nothing getting between her and her afro) before the drama of callbacks. She is a disco dancer and wants to do nothing else with her life but DANCE. She's got trophies, which she has arranged artfully in the back of shot, just so we know that they exist, not that she's calling any attention to them. Her mum says, as we get mainlined with more Adele straight to our man veins, that her daughter becomes a completely different person when she takes to the stage to dance. She wants this so much, she can't sleep, her audition number is 6368 and she is GENERIC.

Out on stage to audition now, and Nigel asks her what generic forms of dance she's currently studying as a generic dance student. Paige says "contemporary, ballet, and jazz" with a waver in her voice. How generic. Nigel sends her off to begin, as he stage-whispers, again, across both Arlene and Louise, again, to Sisco about how nervous she is. Hey, Nigel, if you want to spend the whole time Yackety-Sax'ing with Sisco, make sure you're sat next to him yeah? This is just rude. Anyway, Paige leaps about to "Impossible" by Shontelle. It's not awful, but she's either inventing moves or not doing them right, because it's all very off-kilter and awkward. Given how generic she's been thus far, probably the latter.

Louise tells her that she's a very pretty girl, but Sisco says it was alright, but very childish, and she spent too long rolling around on the floor like a dead fish. Arlene hops in to say that she's never seen the belly roll before, and she's seen a LOT, including some sex stuff in China she'd rather not talk about, and therefore it must be amazing. Might I suggest you go watch some 12 year olds try to haul themselves out of the local swimming baths Arlene? Anyway, she and Sisco bicker about this non-stop until Nigel decides to tell Paige that she's very shy, because he lives for this nonsense. She is BROUGHT OUT OF HERSELF BY DANCE and therefore getting to come to Callbacks. Paige cries. How generic.

So...time for those Callbacks then. If you've lost track, in this round we're looking to see which of Kirsty, Shanelle, and Paige get through to Choreography Camp. All three (as well as a bunch of other people, who may or may not matter) have 45 minutes to pick up a pairs routine and then dance it for the judges. If you're good, you advance, if you suck, you go home.

The routine is to "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz, and our three intrepid heroines perform as follows :

Paige : With a nice looking young man. Does alright. One or the other of them is insanely off the beat though. She thinks the routine was ballroom (it wasn't, not even on this show), but gets through anyway.

Shanelle : Paired with a total Nordic hottie (who subsequently gets through, hooray), doesn't have a fucking clue, gets sent home, then her mother acts awful and horrific some more until Nigel has to chase her off the set with a broom.

Kirsty : Is paired with an extra from Black Swan, gets through, Arlene still clearly hates her.


And then there's more...

7:30am the next day now, and a whole new scad of auditionees. A girl with a... I don't know what it is - it's like a ponytail but actually on top of her head, sticking straight up like an exclamation mark...Anyway, she says she's nervous. Dancers eh?... A boy in a beanie says this is an audition on a whole different scale from that which he has experienced before, and a cherub faced, porcelain skinned posh boy says that he'd be gutted if he had to go home. All the judges arrive on time, apart from Sisco, who is, on his second day at work, horribly late. Well, it's still one step up on Lee McQueen.

First up is (Paolo Debernardi, 37, York, your friend's dad) and... he's doing a comedy Michael Jackson audition. I'm not covering this. I'm just not. I reached my tipping point with comedy Michael Jackson auditions about 3 American Idols ago. There's also a poem for Arlene in there somewhere. If you want it, it's on iPlayer, I'm not touching this turgid nonsense with my recapping bargepole. It lasts FIVE MINUTES.

Montage of Weirdness now : some guy dances around the BBC corridors, falls on his arse, probably breaks his coccyx, and sues the show ; some 8 year old dances around the BBC Logo pretending she's riding a horsie ; Caggy from Big Brother 1 does Tae Bo ; Sam Fox recreates the video for "No More I Love Yous" with a Bowie Flash on her face ; some man wears a hat ; someone has their hoodie over their face ; two old stuff ; an anorexic stripper ; some tits ; that girl with a head ponytail drags herself around by it ; for no reason, a young Marc Almond dressed as a half-naked sad mime whinges that HE IS SO classically trained.

This show cannot do comedy auditions, and it shouldn't even try. Although I would have taken Marc Almond over the Michael Jackson guy obviously.

Midday now, and finally we're getting a good audition from Day Two. Maybe they put all the crap people on early, just to learn Sisco for not showing up on time. Yes, everything on this show definitely DOES happen according to the timeline set up and presented to us, yes it does. Said good auditionee is (Charlotte Scally,19, Watford, could conceivably be played in a biopic of her life by Sheridan Smith) who works in a pub as a barmaid/waitress/server. I would imagine this sets her apart from a good...5% of the rest of the cast of this show. Who work in Topshop. We see her pouring drinks for any number of repellent old buffers whilst dressed in a fleece and track-pants, which I'm sure definitely happens. She tells us all that she really loves her job, but her real dream is "to be in loads of West End shows every night". Well that sounds like a well-thought out career plan. We're then treated to her spontaneously making up dances behind the bar whilst she pours pints, as her hipster friends sit around and laugh at the locals. Hooray!

Out to the stage, dressed like a cross between 80s Madonna, 90s Madonna, and the Madonna of today, where Nigel grizzles at her about having put down on her application form that she works in an "old-man's pub". Charlotte bats back that it totally is an old-man's pub. In fact the other day one booze-soddled old lech asked for her number. AND HE WAS FORTY! She laughed in his face and told him to go stick his head in his oven. Under the desk, Nigel droops as a sad trombone noise plays from the wings. He sends her off to lie on the stage, and then snarkily asks if she's feeling ok, and also that she needs to wash her feet (to be fair, she totally does, they look disgusting) setting her up as a crap audition and then...

...she isn't! Woo! She spins like a top, leaps about with gusto, and whilst it's a bit slag-dance and she loses her puff from about 10 seconds in, it's amongst the better efforts we've seen this evening. Or maybe that's just the me that just had to sit through a FIVE MINUTE COMEDY MICHAEL JACKSON AUDITION talking. All the judges look pleased, apart from Sisco, whose face is full of venom. Nigel starts for the judges, openly admitting he was thinking she was a comedy audition, BUT THEN SHE WASN'T. It was all a bit eyes, tits and teeth, but it was technically adept, so hooray. Charlotte responds that she only acts like a stripper-witch when she gets nervous and that ordinarily she's very professional. I'm sure.

Louise follows, saying that she thinks Charlotte is really intelligent (?) but it did sometimes get a bit cheesy. Charlotte then yells "IT'S ONLY WHEN I'M NERVOUS!", showing all her intelligence right there. We then find out why Sisco hates's the fashion darling! Her fishnet arm-bands, her's all got to GO! Other than that, she's perfect. In a fit of gay abandon, Charlotte hurls off her 80s Madonna armbands, although tragically not the flower, which is really the worst bit. Got to save something to strip off at Callbacks I guess.

Brief montage now of Sisco "talking hip-hop" like young "urban" people are exotic and exciting zoo-animals who exist for us to poke with sticks. TALK BLACK FOR US SISCO! Some highlights:

"the swag has been off the roof"

"you're the truth"

"I live for your potential, because I think you're ridiculous" [and if anyone knows ridiculous, it's Sisco - Steve]

"I'mma give it props"

Cultural tourism at its finest.

Thankfully, this montage isn't ENTIRELY (just mostly) for nothing, as it heralds the arrival of hippity-hop dancer (Rithy Pereira, 19, Sao Paolo, Bringing Dappy Back) who is Brazillian and from Brazil. We're shown her leaping about a bunch, before she arrives on the Cat sofa, where Cat drools over her and tells her that she's, like, such a tomboy, but with a really cool vibe, and she's never met a girl who does hip hop really much before so Rithy probably really has to be brave and prove herself, and Rithy is her icon and can Cat be her friend? They can get matching Juicy Couture outfits with their names written on them in Beadazzler! Rithy looks bemused, but flattered. Aw, Cat's in love you guys! With a teenage female Brazillian hip-hop dancer. Who had that in the sweepstake?

I am not so in love with Rithy, because she says that she really wants to impress Sisco, because he's such an amazing dancer and choreographer. Yeah, ok...

Out she hops, and she proper THROWS DOWN to "I'm A Monster" by The Rangers. It's so odd seeing this style of hip-hop on the UK show, where we get Lizzie doing a sad ballerina clown toy and Tommy being all smiley to the South Bank Show theme tune. This is some hard, aggressive, stuff here. Can't wait til Kate Prince gets hold of her and makes her be a jolly frog on a lily-pad or some rubbish like that. Nigel says "hard-hitting" about a billion times, Arlene rides the edge of embarrassing herself without toppling in, then Sisco gobbles out a load of words and acts like a total sex-pervert again. Rithy is through to Choreography Camp. Where she'll probably share a dressing room with Cat. They can BRAID ONE ANOTHER'S HAIR!

Last auditionees of the day are (Andres, 24, Colombia, Adorable) and (Hannah, 19, Bishop Stortsford, Adorable) who are a couple and dance Colombian-style salsa and are dressed like a 1950s ice-cream parlour. She grins that lots of people do salsa, but very few people do it like they do, then they both cross their fingers into the camera like they're hoping the show's going to send them to Disneyland. They are super-cute, and so doomed.

Out to the stage they go, where Nigel asks them where they're from. He says "Colombia" and she says she's from England, but is of Colombian stock, so Sisco does some weird gang-hands like an idjit. Everyone ignores him. Nigel then asks what type of dance they're going to do, and the pair of them outline their own brand of salsa, where the legs are fast, the lifts are spectacular, and he occasionally drops her full on her face. Sounds good. Can we get that on Strictly instead of salsambcha please?

The music starts, and indeed the salsa is very fast from the waist down, and there is indeed a super-scary lift where she basically forward rolls over his head. Whilst he's standing up. He's obviously better than she is, and she does look a little lost at times, but I'm quite happy watching it. Of course they are a couple and one of them is better than the other and this is a reality show so we all know what's happening next yes? That's right, he's going through to callbacks and she isn't. Andres hems and haws as to whether he wants to go on without his love, and she tells him it's fine and talks him into it, before having the obligatory nervous breakdown outside afterwards, but in the cutest possible way, where she just wants to be in a room by herself and poke voodoo pins in a little Arlene Phillips doll, as "End Of The Road" by Boys II Men tramples all over her VERY REAL FEELINGS on the soundtrack. And who can blame her? Effing Boys II Men.

Callbacks Rd II now, as Rihanna wants us to love her like she's a hot pie. The routine is exactly the same as before, and our heroes perform as follows :

Charlotte : Partnered with one of life's florid faced eternal younger brothers who slops around awfully, but she sails through obviously, as she was born to Taio. As does he somehow.

Andres : Partnered with an angry little skeleton girl with beetroot hair, is alright for about 5 seconds, then collapses utterly without his Hanna. *sniff* He's going home. As is she.

Finally some other people who we've never met get sent home, and the posh cherub-faced boy last shown somewhere around dawn (apparently called Matt) is through. He stage-dives off the...erm...stage, and gets his Boris Johnson handshakes all over everyone. Also some other people are through! Hooray!

Next week : More auditions, one involving a hanky. Nigel tells Sisco to sod off. Some street dance. Choreography Camp!

Steve will be covering all that for you, but for now, I'm off to LIVE IT somewhere else.


  1. Thank you for watching so we don't have to.

  2. From the review you sound like a very bitter person, full of contempt and like someone who does not understand dance. If you hate people so much why do you watch the program? There is no need to insult the dancers.

  3. Hello Anonymous!

    First of all, this is not, by any means, a review. It is a recap. Second of all, neither Chris nor I make any claims to be experts in dance. And third of all, it's a bit rich for you to come in here complaining about bitter people who are full of contempt in light of the comment you have just left.

    I hope this answers your questions.

  4. I think read this was my most well spent 15 minutes of the day! (I don't know if that says more about my life than your text, but anyways.) Nice work! :)
    (Sorry if I write weird; Eng isn't my first language...)

  5. Love your recaps, thanks! The US show is just not as good without the bitchy take on it.

  6. drillemor - Thank you! Your English is off the roof and I live it.

    Alice - It's also sorely missing Arlene. I am at least glad that Mary Murphy is back this year to fill the obligatory "mad old biffer" slot.

  7. This is flipping amazing and likewise my most well spent 15 minutes of the day. What's a degree worth when you can spend your time reading gold like this?

  8. Please note : the bitchyouthinkyoucandance team take no liability, particularly fiscal, for people failing their degrees.

  9. There should be a link to this from the SYTYCD facebook page, Can I post a link? They deleted my last one because they said they couldn't have anything explicit up there. Or was it anything intelligent? No it was definitely explicit, the bastards.

  10. Are we explicit? I could have been more explicit. Particularly when Alistair was on last year.

  11. No it wasn't a link to you (explicitly) it was a link to a song Robbie had done that was explicit. The BBC decided it was too explicit to leave the link on the Facebook page even with a warning. More explicit than Charlie's red PVC number or the careful (sorry, I must mean random) allocation of dances in last year's final?
    You can judge