So...You Think Charlie Can Dance. Apparently.

Final - Results: 13th February 2010

Wow! I never thought they'd do it. After years of trying, finally 2655929 IS the Dream Number. After we finish watching Scott Mills literally twiddling his thumbs for a minute over the credits to the National Lottery (seriously man, take some pride in your work), we're back in the studio, with Cat still in her astroturf, informing us that earlier this evening, the three finalists gave everything, but only one can get the £100,000 prize money, dance in Hollywood, and earn the title "Britain's Favourite Dancer". I think they could probably dance in Hollywood one day Cat regardless. It might be on a street corner until the police move them on, just after they hurl a bottle of Jaegermeister at Fox Studios as they record the finals of the US version, yelling "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! STUPID STAGE SCHOOL BRAT! I CAN GET MY LEG UP OVER MY HEAD! LOOK! S'EASY! STUPID LANGFORD!". But they might still get to dance there. If we believe Kate Prince, the tramps do it, why can't Lizzie?

The show proper starts with this group number featuring the Entire Top Fourteen (Minus Robbie) we've heard so much about. It's to a "poppers o'clock" remix of Bad Romance with everyone dressed in white with gold accoutrements, possibly with a cane or seven in there somewhere. Chris is particularly noticeable, with gold frosted tips and his hair and his chest on display. Whose chest HAVEN'T we seen this series? Gavin's and Mark's and I think that's about it (ZOMG ETHNIC CONSPIRACY!) The girls who stand out most costume wise are probably Mandy, who has come as a rejected character from Dead Or Alive, and Anabel (remember her?), who is wearing hotpants wedged so far up her butt-crack they now how Nigel feels this evening in relation to Charlie. (Hi-oh!) It's very manic and clubby, and then at the end the three finalists walk out and... they just walk through the pack and finish. Makes all that whining about "WE HAVE TO LEARN 6 ROUTINES!" seem a bit much. I think even I could have done that.

The sad thing is that Charlie is wearing the best costume of them all - a half white and half gold cat-suit. I might have liked to see that on somebody actually dancing you know?

As they retreat, Cat compliments them on their strutting and warns us all that there will be a Robbie Williams performance coming up, and after that we'll find out who is Britain's Favourite Dancer. Unaccountably, this is going to take half an hour. Explaining why that might be, here's the section why we ask the judges their opinions. Nigel starts by saying that the person he would have voted for is Charlie, but he'll be happy to take any of the dancers to Hollywood and "expose their talents" to 20 million people.

You know, I made fun of a Guardian article on twitter for claiming this show gets "regular audiences of 20 million in America" (the last summer version struggled to hit audiences above 7 million) but it suddenly became very clear who was selling them that particular line of horsecrap.

Arlene is then asked who she would pick and she said based on tonight she would have gone for Charlie, but she thinks her dialling finger (*waggles her thumb*) would have been working for all three contestants, because apparently she's one of THOSE people. Who vote for everybody. Despite the fact it makes no difference. Everyone basically points and laughs at Arlene for her stupidity. As it should be. [It's my favourite part of the show. - Steve] Louise next, as Cat lays down the law and demands that she at least hoiks herself off the fence, and after a lot of mush-mouthing, she plumps for Lizzie, because of the table routine. (I'm So Glad To See The Back Of) Sisco finishes, by saying that before the question was asked, he would have said that for technical consistency he would have chosen Tommy and Lizzie, but because of tonight, he's going for Charlie. She blew everyone away apparently. I'm even more glad the judges had no power this week now, not that it would have made any difference.

Cat then tells us that it was 5 months ago that the show first asked Britain "So... You Think You Can Dance?" and got the response "who are you? Go away. I've got an alarm." and then went and scoured Britain's stage schools and begged for assistance. As a reminder of this phenomenon that has swept the nation (and put all the chairs up, after everyone had left for the evening) we're getting a recap VT covering the ENTIRE SERIES!

Somebody setting the bar very high! Hugo not having his visa! Lots of mentally ill people auditioning, who we didn't see then, so I don't know why we're being subjected to them now! Professor Deckchair! Fabia Cerra! Somebody whose feet were upset! Lots of golden tickets! Choreography Camp! Big Fat Inspiring Ros! Head Judge Tanatha! James Jordan... being James Jordan! Louise Redknapp being selected as a judge at the last possible minute! The creeping dread as we realised that yes (Shut Up) Sisco was going to be there every week! [Don't joke about it. The pain is still fresh. - Steve]

Mandy falling over in the opening routine! Alistair dressed like a pimped out golfer! Anabel flailing around like a broken Buckaroo and beating the shit out of Drew! "Colin Farrell" letting his partner down via not being loose enough! Yanet & Robbie's Crappy Stargate hip-hop! Bed Dance! Giant Lady! Gavin falling on his arse! Yanet teaching Tommy how to salsa! Cancer Dance! Hayley being a whingy little bint! Mark's baby! Yanet and Sisco being daggers drawn over her being the weakest girl! Drew's cock-phone! Tommy & Charlie's Hot Boxx! Goofy bell-hops! Mandy and Alistair doing the worst routine in the history of dance! Robbie breaking himself! Charlie growing as a woman! Lizzie becoming less shy! Tommy...being Swedish at all times!

It's been a hell of series if you condense it down to 180 seconds hasn't it? [Ironic, considering half the complaints about this series from the naysayers was that it was too short to work properly. - Steve]

As we return to the studio, Cat points at the eliminated dancers and calls them all reprobates and tells us that we've seen some incredible routines over the course of the series, but the judges have been asked to select their favourite to be performed again this evening, and (PHERRRRRRRR-NOMMM-IN-UWWWWWWWWW!) Sisco is asked what it was. The absence of a giant Stargate in the background tips me off slightly that I'm about to be disappointed. He runs through Lizzie & Mark's Viennese Waltz (eh?) and Cancer Dance, but the judges favourite is... well my favourite as well. It's time for a reprise of BED DANCE!

Anyway this has already happened, so there's not a lot to say. I'm sure we've already explained enough why it's amazing. Especially after these past few weeks, I do have to prise Raphael Bonjella Cool for spare and appropriate use of the prop. It might be CALLED Bed Dance, but the actual use of the bed is more of a framing prop than anything else. Also I'm still slightly amazed that the best routine of the whole series features HAYLEY of all people. [What? She was good! - Steve] It's exactly the same as last time, only Drew's had a haircut since (it was overshadowing him slightly) and if anything Hayley shrugs him to the floor a little harder this time.

Fun Fact : Lady Gaga wrote this song about her dad telling her had serious heart problems. So many of the best routines this year have been inspired to some degree terminal illness. I don't really know how to feel about that. Maybe make next year's series a bit happier? Maybe some routines about puppies and kittens?

Cat calls them over and they thank Rafael for the amazing routine and giving them the chance to dance it on television in front of TWENTY MILLION PEOPLE (/Nigel) before Cat shoos them off and tells them she'll see them at the party afterwards. I GUARANTEE Drew did body-shots off her. Guarantee.

HERE COME THE RESULTS (FIRST WAVE!) The three finalists troop out on stage, and Tommy has thankfully now put a vest on. Not that I object to Tommy nakeeness, but it's a bit undignified to get your results like that. Of course before anything happens we have to squeeze the judges dry of every last drop of opinion juice, with them being asked what the finalists major strengths are. (Oh Cock Off) Sisco says that Charlie's major strength is her "journey" (*roll eyes*) [how supportive - your biggest asset is an entirely fabricated reality TV conceit that you have no control over! - Steve], Louise says that Tommy's strength is that he's a pleasure to watch (always helps) and that he dances with conviction, and Arlene says that Lizzie's strength is "being Lizzie". Yeah... ok, get on with it now please.

Get on with it they do, with the axe falling on Lizzie first with a swiftness. After tonight I can see why. Her good routine was on first, then she suffered the CURSE OF LATIN, then her solo was a bit pants. Ah well. After the results are announced, there's an embarrassing faff as Lizzie thinks Cat is shooing her, when in fact it's Charlie and Tommy being nudged off so Lizzie can get a decent send-off. This is sadly nothing compared to the last US final, where someone crippled themselves mid-show, and Cat was left stood on an empty stage for at least 2 whole minutes squawking "WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHAT'S GOING ON?". Good times. Arlene is asked to eulogise Lizzie off, and so she does, saying "sod the public and their stupid phones, choreographers and ting will be calling asking for you RIGHT NOW LIZZIE!". But the lines have closed, so their opinions don't count and they will still be charged.

Lizzie is asked how she feels, and she says she feels very lucky to have got a different style every week (compare this with Charlie : two jazz, two contemporary, two hip-hop and Tommy : the same but minus contemporary) and she doesn't care what the show might say, she's going to go to America and kick arse anyway! Yay! Giant Lady therapy worked! She said "arse" on national tv! She can do anything now! Off she goes to the eliminee pit, where they all descend on her like zombies in Dawn Of The Dead as she is now ONE OF THEM and officially no better than Gavin.

Next, MORE RESULTS! BUT BEFORE THAT! Oh Cat... I thought you might have forgotten then, for one brief sweet moment. Yes, it's the holder of 6 UK number 1s, an outstanding benchmark of 55 million album-sales worldwide, the FERR-NOM-IN-UW Robbie Williams, with the "somehow even worse than Footprints In The Sand" Sports Relief single.

OK, I'm sorry I ever complained about Mika. For a start, for all its faults, I can actually remember his stupid "No Scrubs" rip off song now. I guarantee I'm never going to be able to remember this particular sufferance. Also, Robbie is noticeably incredibly out-of-tune throughout. Also, he does that itch-making "talking with the audience" thing throughout, which is quite likable when it's people who are actually enjoying themselves, or connecting with the song, or who want to sing along, but here's he's just picking on somebody who is waving their arms out of time (which I would blame on the song being completely lacking in rhythm or beat or anything at all tangible myself, but hey ho). Oh and half-way through he does some dad dancing, because, like, it's an ironic counterpart to the contestants who can dance, whilst he can't, or something I can't even be bothered to parse out (although that would certainly explain his performance of Angels with Olly on The X Factor Final). Anyway, it's stupid and boring and contains the word "troubador" and YUCK YUCK YUCK! I preferred him when he was on drugs. [He's not still on drugs? God, that just makes that performance even worse in hindsight. - Steve]

Cat and Robbie LA air-kiss and insincere themselves up forever, and it's his birthday and he's 36, and Cat jiggles around like a 16 year old and gets all ugly and none of this has not one thing to do with the results of this show, the most important of which is about to be announced in...ooh 3 minutes or so.

Final VT of the series now (hopefully!). Dancing means the world to Charlie and, despite the fact that she repeatedly referrs to herself in the third person, I still remain one of her few detractors to not dislike her as a person. She seems really nice, I just don't think she's a particularly great dancer. [Yeah, I'd agree with that - a bit overly-earnest, but that's not such a bad thing. And after tonight, I actually don't even dislike her dancing that much, though I still think Lizzie and Tommy were far stronger overall. - Steve] Tommy by comparison is much more stoical. Basically he has a really healthy attitude to the competition, and he sees it as an amazing experience and a great challenge but you can tell from his tone of voice that he wouldn't see it as the worst possible thing in the world if he lost. Which is just as well. Cause (*spoiler*) he's totally about to.

Back to the studio now, and Cat waves the results around obnoxiously whilst Charlie and Tommy hug in the centre of the stage. Once more she goes to the judges for another opinion, this time it being of Nigel saying "oh for God's sake get on with it" before making up some lies about how this is the first time in his extensive reality show history he hasn't known whose name was in Winners Envelope. I'd argue that's because it's impossible to discern who, if any, of these people the public actually like, but hey ho. The results come down and they are...

CHARLIE! She bends in half just as the fireworks of victory go off, giving the unfortunate lingering effect that they literally shot out of her ass.( Hey, just like this result did.) Now if they worked THAT into a routine I wouldn't have minded her winning. I must admit I never even once thought of the possibility that anybody other than Tommy might win once Alastair was eliminated so good for her. I guess. I can't help feeling her dancing on the Final of the US version is going to be a bit like when Will Young sang on Idol and they were all "who's this LAMEWAD?"

Her family go mental in the audience, and Tommy's very graceful and humble but... that's been his mode the entire series so who knows? Off he shuffles as Charlie is told that she is Britain's Favourite Dancer, and that people have been voting in their billions (/Nigel) for her and that she has won £100,000 dollars to spend on all the Cookie Monster t-shirts she wants. Charlie is at this point, like the best reality tv winners, utterly speechless, snotty, weepy, and incoherent and she fist pumps and mouth-farts through the entire moment. Nigel gets to eulogise her one more time, saying that she and Tommy both grew so much over the course of the series [what, no mentioning of how Lizzie learned not to be shy via Giant Lady Therapy? - Steve], but Charlie just edged it tonight, and he's going to be so glad to take her to America and show her off to everyone. He kind of makes her sound like King Kong.

Cat asks Charlie what she's going to remember and her answer is "everything". That's more than I will. We cut to Drew doing a little girly clap for her in the audience and then Cat growls out "That's it, BRITAIN!" sounding really aggressive. And it really is. That's your lot BRITAIN!

Thank you for reading, and commenting, and, against all the odds and possibly sanity (on both our parts and theirs) we'll be seeing you again next year hopefully. Along with (*fingers crossed*) Hugo.