So You Think You Can Blue? (Yes It Did)

Top 18 Results: 30th April 2011

Cat opens by telling us that 18 dancers are all waiting, hoping to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer, except probably Stephanie, who at this point's probably just hoping to last long enough to get a background role in the new production of Top Hat with Tom Chambers that's COMING SOON. GianLuca would be downhearted too but he's JUST SO FIERY AND ITALIAN that there's still hope burning in his FIERY AND ITALIAN bosom. Earlier they danced for our votes, but now, phone-lines are closed, and there is nothing more they can do. THIS IS SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

SUGAR FINGERS CAN DANCE!

Once the anonymous opening credits dancers have done their thing, making me long that half of them were contestants rather than Scally, we're back in the room, and being re-introduced to our Top 18. Scally leaps on Matt from behind as he carries her around the stage (WHAT A VISUAL METAPHOR AMIRITE?) ; Lee-Boy grabs his crotch at Katie Love ; Kirsty and AndrogyLee whirl around whipping their hair back and forth like the 21st Century Team Rocket they totally are ; Bethany-Rose Lee kicks Israel in the face ; GianLuca stands stock still and pulls stupid faces as Stephanie does Hott Latin Action (what, again?) ; Tom tries his damnedest not to ask Katrina Ballerina SERIOUS QUESTIONS about what she was doing getting married to his arch-nemesis Matt Flint earlier; Charlie sticks his head in Alice's crotch and circuses about a bit; Shane & Rithy half-arse it because they just KNOW; Danielle and Angry Luke give one another the most violent and hateful hi-ten I've ever seen. SO MANY FEELINGS. I hope he turns her into Angry Danielle and they get the joint win and go to the US version and give everyone the finger for 90 seconds instead of dancing.

Truly then the US viewers would get a REAL taste of So You Think You Can Dance UK.

Cat enters from backstage, wiggling her fingers and trying to do a spooky voice about it being the dreaded results show. Whooo! I'm more freaked out by her belt personally. It looks like it's about to actually slice her in half, leaving So You Think You Can Dance UK to be the very first UK reality show to be presented by a torso slab (if you don't count Davina obviously). She explains how the results format works, and re-introduces our judges. Sisco is still dressed as Treguard from Knightmare. Louise still looks like she's made her dress out of a bin-bag and spray-on snow. I'm really worried for Louise guys. I think we should stage an intervention. I think she's let her guard slip fatally with regards to not hating Sisco, and it's starting to damage her in her fashion place.

Nigel and Cat bat back and forth about how it's now, at the arbitrary point of Top 18, that the competition gets REALLY tough. There's a bit of a dip coming soon, as Top 14 is Skipping Games Week, but then we pick up again by Top 10. Nigel tells us that whichever couples find themselves in the Bottom Two tonight will have to Dance For Their Lives in the solos, as that is what it's called. That place. It's called "DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE". Is it? First I've heard of it. Cat then chooses to get philosophical with Arlene, saying that they often talk about magical, indefinable, intangible qualities that get performers votes on shows like this, like smiling, getting a decent edit, being British, and having a penis. Where does Arlene think this comes from? Arlene replies that she gets hers from smoking the contents of a hoover bag. Well actually she says that it comes from "catching someone's eye", but I think my answer for her makes as much, if not more, sense. She then waffles on about standing out in group routines, like that's not down to choreographical choices like, say, being cast as the BRIDE AND GROOM in a wedding-themed routine. For example. Just saying.

(Oh alright, for balance's sake also like being propelled through the air as a sexy vampire wiping away sexy blood/semen from your mouth, Rithy is probably equally as pimped as MATTFLINTMANIA but la la la I can't hear you)

She says that for her, Matt and Katie stand out the most for her, because they bare their souls to her. Is Katie Love at that stage of Fatal Arlene Attraction already? Ok. I wouldn't mind a few of the male dancers baring their souls to m....[That's quite enough of that - OFCOM]

Time now to run through the performances from last night of our first group of merry result-getters via the magical medium of VT. Tom & Katrina are first, running up and down a load of crates, Katrina spending less time on the floor than a granny in a nightclub, and Louise tells Tom that tonight he "really pulled off a cowboy". Not likely Louise, Tom is STRAIGHT, GRR NO HOMO, HE PLAYS POOL AND EVERYTHING. Arlene calls Tom a pumpkin - Katrina Ballerina and Tom tell one another that he's not a pumpkin, and then they start touching one another's faces and possibly making out. [Rule 34 in action, ladies and gentlemen. - Steve]

Charlotte & Matt do their STOLEN routine, with him doing 0.76 of a Tom Chambers face the whole way through and her channelling the spirit of Pepsi & Shirley. Arlene tells us all that we are to fancy MATTFLINTMANIA for the fifth week running - I remain stoically resistant. Backstage the pair of them oink and grunt and make incoherent noises all over one another. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel do the worst routine ever in the history of this show ever - Arlene tells them she had more fun huffing petrol round the back of a BP garage last week than she did watching that routine and Sisco tells them that was move on.org honest to blog on a hamburger phone from 2004. Backstage Israel tells everyone to vote, whilst Bethany-Rose goes into Bethany-Rose crisis management mode and stares at her feet.

Katie Love and Lee-Boy jump around on a bed/giant bar of soap and get universal praise. Backstage she swigs from a giant bottle of clear liquid that I'm sure is definitely water and tells us that she's sure that they'll get another household object as a prop next week. She thinks a bath. I'm hoping for a hoover, a hostess trolley, and a full set of kitchen knives.

VT over, this group are then cut to standing centre stage, waiting. Lee-Boy is reminded that Arlene said that he would probably be a crap shag, before he and Katie Love are told that they're safe. She bends backwards over his arm in a drama-drape ; he refuses to acknowledge her existence. MATTFLINTMANIA and Scally are also safe, duh. This leaves my OTP and Israel and Bethany-Rose as the presumptive Bottom Two from this set. Cat messes around with them a bit, particularly Tom, because that's what he's there for (HOLD STRONG MY WOOBIE) before Tom & Katrina Ballerina are announced safe and he pulls an INTENSE orgasm face which I may or may not be rewinding and playing for my own purposes later. (I WANT TO MAKE A FAN COLLAGE, GET YOUR MINDS OUT THE GUTTER). [I don't believe you for a second. - Steve]

Ordinarily this would mean that Israel and Bethany-Rose would be in the Bottom Two, as they should be, but guess what, Nigel said "YOU IN DANGER GURL!" one too many times and they are in fact safe. Woo. Their eyes bug out and they totter off in shock as Cat yells "THEY'RE ALL SAFE LOU, THEY'RE ALL SAFE! JUST THIS ONCE, EVERYBODY LIVES!" like it's the end of that episode of Doctor Who back from when it was good, and she's about to do a waltz with BARROWMAN on top of a Zeppelin in World War Two. She then asks "Lou" if she is shocked that Bethany-Rose and Israel are safe. She says that yes, yes she is.

So now that we've done all that and found no victims, it's time to run through the night's other performances via the magic of VT. Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty and AndrogyLee make vaguely offensive "Indian voices" and faces before stepping out onto stage and bopping out to noted Bollywood goddess Nicole Kidman. Sisco made hooting noises at them, and then backstage they both honk about how much they love Sisco. You can go off a pair you know.

Charlie & Alice talk more about the royal wedding, as we as a nation purge the last remaining drops of that nonsense out of our system. Nigel calls us all stupid and shakes his head about how we won't all appreciate Charlie Whee's true genius in that routine. Charlie Whee and Cabbage Alice talk about how truly as one they felt during that number. Danielle & Luke roll around smacking one another to the least annoying Jessie J song (which is still pretty darned annoying by anybody's else standards - COCONUT MAN! DO IT LIKE A BARROWMANDEM! *makes noise like a tribble on speed for about half a minute*) - Louise says that what she means when she says "bring it" (ie "get your top off"), but Nigel hates it and proclaimed it as fake as wrestling. I wish it had ended with Angry Luke clobbering Danielle in the head with a steel chair and then setting a table on fire with a torch made out of a barb-wire baseball bat. SO MANY FEELINGS. [The amount of violent fantasies you have about those two are making me think you have quite a lot of feelings as well. I'm quite concerned. - Steve] Backstage, Danielle and Angry Luke continue to hate one-another.

Stephanie and GianLuca pull dumb faces then go out and dance cha-cha and continue to pull dumb faces. Everyone says they're amazing and they whitter on about how that was the BEST THEY'VE EVER DONE IT. Ah well. Finally Rithy and Shane perform the worst idea in the show's history, as the lack of beat in the backing and silence of the crowd make their Charlie Chaplin routine feel like it's being performed in an entirely different dimension to the rest of the show. Arlene says that Rithy is the greatest human being ever to have lived, but Shane needed to "butch up" for his role of comedy silent movie policeman. Well obviously, given as how that role was always played by a Pitt/Stallone/Van Damme type.

Back to the stage now for the results. Luke and Danielle are first, and are safe, and she gives him a bone-crunching hug as he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney-stone. This leaves two presumptive Bottom Twos for Cat to mess around with, the first of which is Team Raggy Dolls vs Team Mature Adult European Sexuality. She messes around with a pantomime metaphor for Team Raggy Doll before moving on to increase the tension, causing AndrogyLee to give an amazing humongous eye-roll at the fake-drama of it all. I wish the lines were still open : I would have given him an extra vote just for that. Team Mature Adult European Sexuality are reminded that Stephanie is PROFESSIONAL and GianLuca is ITALIAN before they're told that they will be Bottoming for the judges' pleasure in a minute. Stephanie gives Cat a professional-level DEATH GLARE, as AndrogyLee and FDOFP Kirsty pull goldfish faces of shock and retreat to safety.

Cat asks Arlene to do some fake-outrage about Stephanie and Gian Luca two being in the Bottom Two - she does so. It's LATIN Arlene. I have no idea how Danielle and Luke escaped its clutches last week, but the Universe had to right itself eventually.

This leaves the battle of Team Crappy Lookalikes Agency vs Team Blog Favourites, so the result is obvious really isn't it? Rithy & Shane are in the bottom 2, and Cabbage Alice and Charlie Whee! skate on. Alice mumbles some words under her breath that are possibly "fudge", "sugar", "bollards" or any other mum-swear favourites you choose to mention. [My money's on "nutty fudgekins". - Steve] Sisco is asked to drum up some fake-horror at these two being in the bottom. He does so, and tells the public to vote only 50% on what they see, and the other 50% on what the judges say. Yeah that'll work Sisco. Especially as the judges are always so internally consistent.

Solos now then - Stephanie's up first and merrily stomping around doing a jive to "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. At no point does she do the Proud Mary arms, which makes this a complete waste of time, especially as she's a bit cart-horseish of leg and desperate of face. Next up comes ITALIAN Gian Luca doing some very ITALIAN leaping around and spinning to Des'ree at her most ITALIAN sounding. Odd then that the whole routine should feel quite so much like a very FRENCH shrug of the shoulders. I guess these EUROPEANS are even more interchangeable than we thought. Rithy follows, trying her level best to redeem a song from current-era Britney Spears and almost managing it. Almost. Whatever, it ends with her repeatedly grabbing her crotch at the judges, which is enough for me to say she should be safe. We close with Shane "bringing it" in the manner of Louise's choosing - ie he's got his top off. He's doing his thing (which is mostly excellent aerial control and wiggling his torso like he's trying to a birth a Martian out of his belly-button) to "Seven Nation Army" and doing it really rather well.

To be honest, if either Shane or Rithy go home after that then my ENTIRE FAITH IN THIS PROGRAMME IS...oh no, wait, that went a while ago.

As if to finish this thought, guess who's on guest-performance duties this week? That's right, it's BLUE! Aieeeeeee! They go through their Eurovision song with all the enthusiasm of the guest act for the opening of the Annual Conference of the Guild of British Cheesemakers, which in a way they are. Lee asks us to ponder how important it is REALLY that Shane and Rithy are in the bottom 2 when the elephants are STILL DYING ; Duncan tells us all the disableds love him, especially the cerebrally paulsied ; Simon lectures everyone about how we're not supporting Blue's selfless decision to win Eurovision for the nation enough ; Anthony pisses up against the judges table, and they all do spirit fingers. No really. SPIRIT FINGERS. Hardly LIVING is it?

Results now, as Nigel opens by telling them that three out of the four of them blatantly weren't even trying in their solos. They can all TOTALLY STILL WIN, SO CHEER UP. This is apparently particularly so in the case of the girls. The judges were split 2-2, and couldn't be arsed to discuss things further, so Nigel just asked someone from production to decide. I'm guessing a cameramen flipped a coin or something. It came down tails, so Stephanie's going home. Something clearly goes very unrehearsed at this point as Stephanie tries to leave and Rithy tries to stay and Cat corralls them around like a mother at a birthday party having to step in in the middle of a particularly vicious game of Duck Duck Goose. She asks Stephanie how she feels at this moment - Stephanie says "I'm not sure I can explain(/without jabbing my fingers in your eyes and screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) Cat". She then leaves.

Next it's time for the boys, who are informed that the decision in this case was unanimous, and they didn't have to ask the tea-lady to pick based on who she fancies most or anything. Nigel doesn't think either of them deserve to be in the Bottom Two, but hey, that's the British Public for you. He then tells GianLuca that he hasn't connected with the public for two weeks running, and Shane is the only dancer who really tried in the Bottom Two, so the latter is safe, and the former is off. GianLuca does a very deep bow, and Shane runs off to get a spine-bending hug from Rithy. Cat asks GianLuca if he has any regrets. He says not. Stephanie stomps back on and is asked if she has any regrets either. She says no also. It's slightly less convincing in her case.

Nigel closes by telling them both to keep on trying, and try to become more charismatic, and he's sure they'll both have successful dance careers ahead of them. They're like 35 Nigel, IT'S OVER.