So You Think You Can Go Out Looking Like That Young Lady?

Top 14 Results: 14th May 2011

Earlier tonight, 14 fantastic performers (really? that many?) danced for our votes, sayeth Cat, and now they're all sat hoping that their dreams of becoming Britain's Favourite Dancer aren't about to be ended. Eh, judging from Rithy's demeanour the whole evening, I think she's kind of over it. And I think Tom's just waiting until he gets all the pieces of that Doomsday Device he's ordered via mail to take the judges faces off with. Anyway, two girls and two boys are about to LEAVE the competition for good. Oh no! Not on

ZARATHUSTRA CAN DANCE!

We open on a group routine, based around the idea of exhibits in an art gallery coming to life after the place is closed for the night, because Tyce Diorio is a highly original choreographer with many new and fresh ideas about how to frame a dance. And it's to Born This Way! By Lady Gaga! Breaking out the box again Tyce! [Matt and Tom would just like to make it very clear at this point that they were definitely not Born That Way, and here's a VT of them smoking, drinking and playing pool to prove it. - Steve] Anyway, it begins with Danielle in leopard-print doing an awesome job of opening - tippy-toeing out of the painting and hoofing her leg in the air in a very exciting way and then...your guess is as good as mine for the rest of it. The cameramen have had a tough enough job following 2 people at a time this evening, let alone 14. At a guess, Katrina, Lee-Boy, Shane and AndrogyLee look like they're having a whale of a time - Matt looks kind of lost for once.

On Gay Agenda!!! watch, they edit out "Don't Be A Drag Just Be A Queen", which is a shame, because the obnoxious parts of this song are the best, but they leave in "No Matter Gay, Straight, Or Bi, Lesbian, Transgender Life" which is the best bit, because I know the basic sentiment of being justified by being "Born This Way" really meshes well with most transgender people I've known. HOORAY FOR GAGA! Anyway, the painting frame they all burst out from at the beginning is pulled back, and they all forward roll through it like they're S Club 7. Oh and Danielle's leaping right at the camera for "BEIGE!", which is kind of appropriate I guess.

Cat comes out, looking very Children Of The Corn, Future-Peasant chic, and tells us all that we are to put our hands together for Tyce Diorio, as that was a thing what he done. Oh and Jessie J will be coming up later with her new single "Amp-i-App". But before all that noise, the phone lines have now closed, and our votes have been counted and verified, and we all know what that means. Yes, it's time to ask the judges to obliquely slag Tom off some more! This is my favourite part of the show, unless you count the bits that are all of the rest of it.

We go to Arlene first, with Cat answering her own question to Arlene before it's asked "There's a double elimination tonight, why is there so much pressure on these solos?". Either that or she's actually Yoda. Arlene fronts that the solos that they see could definitely change their minds about who goes home. For sure. If they do a truly life-changing solo, and dance like their living livage lives depend on it, then the judges may save them even if they've danced like Trashcan Barbie the last month or so. I am so sure that Tom could DEFINITELY do that. DEFINITELY. Cat tries to make out like solos are what this show is ALL ABOUT. Frankly Cat, unless there's a cock-phone involved, I'm not interested.

Anyway, these PUNGENT LIES over with, let's remind ourselves of what happened earlier in the evening : Rithy and Shane rolled around in a smoke machine Titanic nightmare, like some sort of reverse parody of the Widdyrumba, whilst Shane's mum sat there looking like murder and the judges slated it. Backstage, Shane apparently insists that he felt something in the routine, he did, honest - Rithy looks like all she felt was an urgent desire to go home and watch Doctors. Bethany-Rose Lee and Israel did a great routine themed around an evil rampaging Spiderbitch, and by "great routine" I mean "by the standards this show has set itself", by which I mean "some impressive things happened in it". Backstage Bethany-Rose and Israel debate whether the judges comments were the icing on top of the cake or the cherry on top of the cake. I'm always a fan of fudge-nuggets myself. Sisco in particular strikes me as a fudge-nugget.

Charlotte & Matt did half an amazing Lindy Hop and then either they ran out of puff or my interest in Lindy Hop sputtered out again. Backstage they jump around squealing and Charlotte begs for votes whilst tugging at the ugly, UGLY mustard yellow jumper she's wearing. Maybe that's why my interest waned. Katie & Lee-Boy danced an awful routine tediously, and then Arlene slagged off Supermarket Sweep. How dare you Arlene, none of us would be here today if it weren't for the sterling work in light entertainment laid down by Dale Winton. Know your history Arlene - he's a fucking pioneer. Backstage Lee-Boy huffs that the judges don't seem to care if he's there or not, and Katie Love begs the public to get behind "Team LoveLee" for one more week. JUST ONE MORE WEEK! THAT'S ALL SHE ASKS! Then there will be no more Team LoveLee! Unless she's with AndrogyLee that is. "Team LoveMatt" [Isn't that the hairy bit just above your bum that most people get waxed off? - Steve] and "Team LoveLuke" are also possibilities, although "Team LoveIsrael" is off-limits due to BBC Impartiality Guidelines. Scally and Tom would probably have to form "Team LovePalestine" as a bulwark. Also obviously "Team TomLove" isn't allowed, because if that much positivity towards Tom is allowed to happen for even one second, Arlene will straight up explode.

Out on stage now, these four couples are lined up. As soon as Cat says "two couples are safe, and two are in Danger", Rithy and Katie Love look at one another and Rithy nods. SUCH SUSPENSE! Anyway, after the pre-amble, and it is indeed Fierce Rithy, Shane, Katie Love and Lee-Boy who will be dancing for THEIR VERY LIVES in the solos. As Matt leaves the stage he turns to Rithy and Shane and very sternly commands them to "bring it", like the judges are definitely going to pull someone through three bottom 2s in a row. I don't think even Lisa Snowdon would have got tha...what am I saying, she totally would have.

Louise is asked if she is surprised by this turn of events (I really wish that someone had to pull that ridiculous door-pull plait she's got this week every time she has to speak, just so the thing had some utility.) and she says no, because neither couple danced their best this week. Who did? Bethany-Rose and Israel I guess. S'pretty much it. Cat reiterates Matt's command to "BRING IT!" by wagging her finger violently in Katie Love's face. Katie Love could not give two teabags for this at this point in time.

Now it's time for another set of reminders for the hard of thinking : Luke & Danielle danced lyrical hiphop and both overacted quite unpleasantly, but the judges loved it and told Luke that he was now IN IT TO WIN IT. Backstage Luke and Danielle huff sniffily that they are in fact BOTH in it to win it, as much as anyone who isn't MATTFLINTMANIA! is in this to actually WIN it. Katrina and Tom did a pretty wretched hip-hop and neither was much better than the other, so obviously Tom got yet another curb-stomping. Backstage Louise is all "mummy only does this because she loves you" about it, whilst Tom and Katrina just hug and Tom ponders which of the girls he will be told is much better than him next week.

Finally, the running joke it is this show's repeated forcing of "butchness" onto AndrogyLee reached its apotheosis in the Argnetine Tango, where he didn't really do anything except as a support system for Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty, who reached her burlesque peak in the routine. Hopefully next week AndrogyLee will be allowed to act as Born This Way as he wants to quite frankly. Backstage Kirsty and AndrogyLee make Tribble noises at one another, and Sisco says that are just so consistently fun. *sniff* I'll miss them as a couple. I doubt any other random pairing of their soul with another could be as exciting. AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose anyone?

Out to the stage, and all three couples judges are run through. ie Danielle and Luke you are really fun and dramatic, Kirsty and AndrogyLee you are really fun and cartoony-entertaining, Katrina you are Jesus, DIE TOM DIE! So in the bottom three are...Danielle & Luke. There is a solitary "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" from the audience, and Danielle & Luke look genuinely gutted. Kirsty turns and gives Danielle a very sincere look and squeezes Luke's hand. AndrogyLee kind of disinterestedly prods at Luke and looks bored. AndrogyLee <3

Sisco is asked why this happened, Sisco's all "for purposes of gender equality I am required to start throwing women under the bus instead of just every single man who is not MattFlintMania! so erm...Danielle sucks. All of a sudden. Or something". Cat asks them both if they have something special planned for their solos. Luke mumbles "well I hope so", like he's really going home against Permanent Bottom Shane and Lee-Boy.

As everyone gets changed for their solos (ie the boys take their tops off) Nigel is asked what the dancers need to do to survive. Nigel's all "duh, dance for their lives, we say this pretty much every 10 seconds every results show". He then decided to lie his butt off and say that he thinks the public voted correctly tonight, and that everyone who got through danced amazingly tonight. I love that he thinks he's being subtle in trying to pre-empt the Tapper Tom backlash. WAY too late for that Nigel. WAY too late.

SOLOS TIME! Rithy is first out, and suddenly she's turned up, throwing herself into a routine to "Telephone" by Gaga & Beyonce, and for some reason deciding to leave it all out on stage just when it matters the least. I guess she wanted to go out on a high, and good for her. This is in contrast to Shane, who kind of...gives up but not quite. He does his usual Shane thing to "Are You The One?" by The Presets and it's... less powerful and Shaney than last time he did it, which was in itself less powerful and Shane-y than the first time he did it.

Katie next, to...*snorts glue*... Adele [JESUS FUCKING CHRIST - Steve], and she does her usual very light and insubstantial solo work. Or at least it feels a lot like her audition piece, which I didn't like much either. I don't think I'm really one for Katie Love in the solo department to be honest. Lee-Boy follows, and just like Rithy it looks like he's decided to go out on a high, with lots of tricks and energy and the obligatory crotch-grabbing. It's not blow-away stuff, but he seems really into it, as opposed to every time he's had to play Tapper Tom for Katie Love, so it's fun. He also removes his shirt in mid-air which is a new one for me. You know, in terms of dancing anyway.

Danielle and Luke round us off, with Danielle deciding to reprise her Sex Ninja act from the paso doble of last week, to the good part of the Mickey Bubbles version of Cry Me A River (ie the opening bit) and Luke doing his usual very posied, very anguished, very Vogue video without the actual vogueing, leaping around to "Written In The Stars" by Tinie Tempah. I dub him Lankie Tempah. As soon as these are over, they wander back over to the side and the other soloists and Katie Love... strokes Angry Luke from above his nipple right down to his crotch. It's quite a stroke. I think you might be barking up the wrong tree-sized human being there Katie Love. Lee-Boy settles for just grabbing his arm.

Cat tells them all how the show works, as we cut to ex-contestants in the audience. Gian Luca is screaming because he is a PASSIONATE ITALIAN like that, Paige looks a bit bovine, Charlie looks mildly amused, and Alice is waving her phone number at Rithy probably. I can't see Stephanie. Maybe she's got a job. Oh yeah, and Cheekbones Ryan! Remember him? Sigh. Judges are now to deliberate, and Sisco's already getting animated about it. Until they've made up their minds however, we have to sit through the UK's "most exciting new talent".

That being Jessie-J. Apparently. [JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SOME MORE - Steve] She looks like Flavor Flav vomitted all over top half, and her legs look like the exterior of an Elizabethan Theatre and she's making a lot of very special noises. Apparently this song is about how she is in fact not perfect, as though...everything else she's done hadn't already clued us in to that fact. I would KILL for this to be her doing "DO IT LIKE A DIRTY DIRTY SUGAR BARROWMAN DEM CROTCH LOW SUGAR SUGAR MAN DEM!" with Sisco and BARROWMAN! and Big Gay Bruce doing back-up, but it isn't so I'm going to pass.

Back in the now, Cat pretends that that didn't all happen 8 hours ago on a pre-record, and the legion of doomed march out. Girls are to start, and Rithy is praised for the energy she brought to her routine but...She's then asked how many times in a row this is that she's been in the bottom, which is super-classy, and then she says "three" and Nigel makes her repeat herself and this is gross and awful and tacky and Nigel says this means he's going to put her out of her misery, and he does. But by extension obviously leaves Shane swimming around in it for the next 5 minutes. Kirsty's already crying.

This leaves Danielle and Katie Love. Danielle is called an ice-cold bitch with flawless technique, and Katie Love is basically told not to worry, they'll be cutting that awful Lee-Boy in about 2 minutes and she won't have to be held back by him ANY MORE. She's safe, and Danielle's going home. She twitches her head about angrily and violently and gamely tries to look like she's resigned to this turn of events. Angry Luke meanwhile has a burst of VERY REAL FEELINGS all over the stage. I don't know when these two stopped hating one another. Maybe it was when his family totally ignored her that he felt a sudden kinship because he KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS (*slams bedroom door*)

Katie wanders off, looking drained, and Rithy is asked to say that she loved the experience. She says that she did, or at least the part of it before it became utterly pointless. It was beautiful Cat, truly beautiful. Cat turns towards Danielle, resting her hand louchely on Rithy's shoulder, like a 1920s Dorothy L Sayers lesbian, and asks her what she'll miss most. She says that she'll miss Angry Luke the most, and she's just said (*sniffle choke*) that they never got to do what they did best. In his case, the genre of walkography, in her case...who knows. Cat assures her that she did great, as she continues to twitch around like a cold chihuahua.

They're sent off, and it's the turn of the boys now. Nigel highlights again that is is the most obvious decision in the history of all decisions, by telling them all that this decision was unanimous, as was the last one. Shane gets the obligatory "No Country For Old Men" cattle-taser and goes down first. Lee is told that that was a very interesting solo, but that he has impeded Katie Love for too long now, and then Luke is told that his solo was the only good one, much like Shane was all those weeks ago. And look what lasting benefit it had for HIM. Shane nods along with this all "yeah, I know I certainly didn't give a shit". Anyway, yes, Luke is safe, and Lee-Boy takes a very deep bow towards the audience on his way out.

*cut to Katie Love looking furious*

Luke wanders off and immediately does a full body collapse onto Katie Love, moaning like a sperm whale. "BWURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR". Thankfully someone turns his mic off at this point, so that other people's VERY REAL FEELINGS can be heard. Shane daddies up, saying that he's been here so many times before that he knows how Luke is feeling (NOBODY KNOWS HOW LUKE IS FEELING *bedroom door slam*) and he thinks he did a really good solo. Lee-Boy then decides to take this last opportunity to paw Shane thoroughly (and let's face it, who wouldn't?) and says that he's loved the whole experience, particularly working with such great choreographers as Giant Lady, Kate Prince, and the Cheesman.

Rithy and Danielle come back out to join them, and Cat demands that everyone give them a Standing O. Meanwhile, at the side, Bethany-Rose sees that managing Angry Luke's Feelings at this point are too much for one woman alone, so she joins in. Lord help whoever has to dance with him this week. I think it might kill Scally. [*thumbs up* - Steve] Anyway, at Cat's signal, everyone runs to the stage for a group-hug, and that is all! This means, halfway through, our Top Ten is :

The Girls

Bethany-Rose Lee

Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Darlene-Loving Kirsty

Katie Love

Katrina Ballerina

Scally

Your Boys :

AndrogyLee

Angry Luke

Israel

MattFlintMania!

Tapper Tom

They'll be dancing, in pairings yet to be determined, next week. See you all then!